Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.3 “Silent Witness”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch proves that he still has much to learn about being a private investigator.

Episode 1.3 “Silent Witness”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on October 14th, 1995)

Have you ever wondered why Mitch’s career as a private investigator didn’t last longer than just two years?

The simple answer, of course, is that Baywatch Nights did not exactly get the best ratings and the show was canceled after two seasons.  Despite the fact that Baywatch Nights is an undeniably fun show, it was undoubtedly harmed by the fact that it didn’t feature lifeguards running in slow motion.  It was a Baywatch spin-off that had little of what attracted viewers to the original show.  Personally, I would think that the presence of David Hasselhoff would be enough but apparently, audiences in the 90s disagreed.

However, in-universe, I think Mitch’s failure to stick with the detective thing is that it doesn’t appear that he was very good at it.

Consider this episode.  Hayley Cartwright (Paige Moss) is a teenage runaway who, while walking along the beach, spots a man in the ocean being pulled under the water and drowned by someone wearing a diving outfit.  The murderer emerges from the ocean and tries to grab Haley.  Haley gets away but not before the killer shouts at her to keep quiet or she’ll be next.

Mitch, who is jogging across the beach, spots a stunned and bruised Haley collapsing on the beach.  Mitch checks out her injuries and assures her that she’s okay but Haley, who is understandably scared of everyone, runs away from him.

Later, Mitch is approached by a woman (Debby Boone) who says that her name is Lorraine and that she is Haley’s daughter.  Lorraine says that she just wants her daughter to come home and she asks Mitch to help find her.  Mitch agrees and sets out to find Haley while giving Lorraine regular updates.

Here’s what Mitch does not do.  He doesn’t bother to ask for any identification from Lorraine.  He doesn’t check out Lorraine’s story before agreeing to help her.  He doesn’t stop to consider that Haley might have a reason for acting like she’s scared for her life.  And really, it would have been good if Mitch had considered all of that because guess what?  LORRAINE IS NOT HALEY’S MOTHER!  Instead, she’s working with the killers!

Fortunately, Haley’s real mother (Janet Eilber) shows up and tells Ryan and Garner that she’s looking for her daughter.  Ryan and Garner actually ask the woman for identification and the woman reveals that she not only has her driver’s license but she also brought Haley’s birth certificate!  It’s a good thing that Haley’s real mom showed up because Mitch has found Haley hiding on a fishing boat and now, he’s having to defend her from the killers!  Now, fortunately, Mitch may not be a good detective but he’s still David Hasselhoff so he is able to beat up the killers and save Haley’s life.

It’s a fairly standard episode, in that it’s not particularly memorable but the California scenery is nice to look at and it’s a show you can relax with.  That said, the episode does have a brilliant opening, in which Mitch and Garner save Destiny from some bank robbers that are menacing her in an amusement park.  This leads to a fight on a Ferris wheel and a miracle-go-round.  Destiny is nearly run over by a miniature train!  It’s a fun and over-the-top sequence, one that has next to nothing to do with the rest of the episode but it does indicate that the people involved in the show knew better than to take any of this too seriously.

Finally, Ryan gets a minor plot, in which she buys a home in Malibu, just to discover that she’s basically purchased land in a trailer park.  It was silly but it showed off Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff’s likable and playful chemistry.  Watching the two of them together, it’s hard not to regret that Mitch wasn’t a better detective.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.2 “The Flying Aces/The Mermaid Returns”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, a guest star from the past returns!

Episode 4.2 “The Flying Aces/The Mermaid Returns”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on November 1st, 1980)

The plane is landing, bringing with it a new group of Fantasy Island guests.  As always, Tattoo steps out of the main Fantasy Island office, intent to head down to the lagoon and discover what this week’s fantasies will be.  Except …. wait a minute …. where is Mr. Roarke!?

Tattoo waits for a few minutes and then looks around.  Mr. Roarke is nowhere to be seen!  Is it possible that, after three seasons of reported acrimony between him and Herve Villechaize, Ricardo Montalban has left the Island!?  That would certainly make Tattoo happy.  Though it was a storyline that was phased out as the show became more family friendly, Tattoo did spend the first two seasons of Fantasy Island talking about how he would like to be in charge of everything.  Finally, Tattoo is in charge!  Tattoo heads down to the landing lagoon and, for once, he’s the one who declares, “Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

However, Mr. Roarke has not left the Island.  Instead, he’s been having a meeting with Nyah (Michelle Phillips), the mermaid who lives off the shore of Fantasy Island and who, during the third season, tried to tempt John Saxon to his death.  Nyah reveals to Roarke that she wants to come to Fantasy Island as a guest because she had a fantasy of her own.  Roarke informs her that, to do this, she will have to agree to be human for the weekend.  Nyah agrees and Roarke makes a fist and closes his eyes tight.  Suddenly, Nyah’s tail is replaced by legs!

Roarke then heads over to the landing lagoon, where he meets up with Tattoo.  Tattoo is shocked when Nyah stumbles off of the plane.  (So was I, as I was kind of under the assumption that the plane had already landed when Roarke had his conversation with her.)  Tattoo wonders why Nyah is struggling to walk.  Roarke explains that she’s still learning how to use her legs.  When the friendly island girls offer her a drink and a lei, Nyah rudely shake her head.  It’s not easy being human!  Roarke explains that Nyah wants to experience human love.

As for the other guest, he’s an airline pilot named Tony Chilton (Sam Melville).  Tony feels that World War II was the last time when men could truly be men and he has stated that his fantasy is to be a member of the 53rd fighting group, battling the Germans above New Zealand.  However, as Roarke quickly deduces, Tony’s actual fantasy is to meet the father he never knew.  David Chilton (Tom Wopat) was a member of the 53rd and he died in aerial combat.

Both fantasies play out pretty much the way that you probably expect that they would.  Fantasy Island was a show that understood the importance of fulfilling expectations.  For instance, you’ve probably already guessed that Nyah is going to end up announcing that she’s in love with Mr. Roarke and also that, by the end of the episode, Nyah is going to have realized that her home is in the ocean.  But Nyah’s storyline is still enjoyable because Michelle Phillips does such a good job of playing Nyah and her struggle to figure out how humans do things like walk, make small talk, and wear clothes all the time.  At first, Nyah is rude to almost everyone that she meets and I cringed a bit when Roarke disciplined her by giving her a spanking.  (Oh hi, 1980!)  But, at the same time, I could relate to Nyah because, from my childhood, I know what it’s like to constantly find yourself in a new town and a new school and having to figure out the customs of a whole new group of people.  Sometimes, it’s not easy to learn how to walk in a new place.

As for the World War II story, Tony does meet with his father and he gets to bond with him.  Awwww!  Sadly, he also learns that Roarke wasn’t kidding when he warned that history cannot be changed.  It was a simple story but it worked due to the heartfelt performances of Sam Melville and Tom Wopat.  This storyline was unabashedly sentimental and all the better for it!

All in all, this was a good trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Chips 1.3 “Dog Gone”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Baker gets a dog and Ponch makes an enemy!

Episode 1.3 “Dog Gone”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on September 29th, 1977)

When an adorable sheepdog puppy ends up on the Los Angeles highway, Baker and Ponch manage to rescue it, though not before it causes a minor wreck on an overpass.  The official CHiP policy is that all stray animals should immediately be turned over to the shelter but Baker takes one look at the puppy and decides that he can’t just leave it with anyone else.  In fact, every member of the highway patrol quickly falls in love with the dog.

Everyone except for Sgt. Getraer, who is allergic to dogs and makes it clear that the puppy is not to be kept around the station.

At first, Baker tries to keep the dog in his apartment but it turns out that the dog likes to bark.  So, Baker heads out to the trailer park where Ponch lives in an RV and apparently spends all of his time watching football while only wearing his boxer shorts.  (One gets the feeling that Erik Estrada had an “at least one shirtless scene per episode” clause in his contract.)  Baker leaves the dog in the RV and then runs off before the half-naked Ponch can protest.

Fortunately, for Baker, Ponch decides that he loves the dog, which he named Fido.

Unfortunately, for Ponch, Fido’s owners eventually show up at the station and ask if anyone has seen their dog.  The dog — who even I, while admittedly not being a dog person, has to admit is cute — is reunited with his family and I guess Ponch is alone again.

Meanwhile, three really stupid criminals — Boots (Bill Adler), Zero (Jeffrey Druce), and Little John (James Crittenden) — are really angry with Ponch because, at the scene of the earlier accident, Ponch prevented Boots from threatening another motorist.  Boots and his friends hops into their dune buggy and decide to stalk Ponch and Baker.  Boots even decides to sabotage Ponch’s motorcycle by loosening the front bolt so that the wheel will eventually come off while Ponch is riding it.  However, these three criminals are so stupid that they sabotage the wrong motorcycle.  As a result, the entire second half of the episode is full of close-ups of Baker’s front tire wobbling as he speeds down the highway.

The subplot with the criminals is really dumb but the way it plays out shows that Larry Wilcox had a point when he complained about the show’s producers always favoring Erik Estrada.  Not only is Ponch the one who faces off against Boots at the scene of the accident but he’s also the one who gets to save Baker’s life at the end of the episode.  When a guilt-stricken Zero goes to Getraer and tells him about what Boots did to the motorcycle, it doesn’t take long for Getraer to figure out that they accidentally sabotaged Baker’s motorcycle instead of Ponch’s.  With Baker unable to hear his radio due to being involved in a high-speed chase, it falls to Ponch to chase after Baker and warn him.  The bike still crashes but Baker is not seriously injured and Ponch …. well, Ponch is just a big damn hero!

(Admittedly, there is a scene earlier in the episode where Baker performs mouth-to-mouth recitation on a motorist who has had a heart attack and saves the man’s life.  But even then, Ponch is the one pushing on the man’s chest to try to get his heart going again.  Baker’s a good cop, the show tells us, but Ponch is a big damn hero.)

This episode …. well, at least the dog was cute!  And the California scenery was lovely to look at.  Still, a cop show like this needs to have some smart or at least intimidating criminals for the cops to do battle with and Boots was such an idiot that it was hard to take anything he and his gang did seriously.  In the end, this was a typical episode of CHiPs, full of stiff acting but impressive motorcycle stunt work.  Probably the most interesting thing about this episode was discovering that Baker was the one with a swinging bachelor pad while Ponch was the one living a solitary life in a trailer park.  I’m just happy that the dog was reunited with its family.

Here Are The 2023 Gotham Award Winners!


In one of the first events of Awards Season, The Gotham Awards were handed out tonight, with Past Lives picking up the award for best film.  Below, all of the winners are listed in bold!

Best Feature
Passages
Ira Sachs, director; Saïd Ben Saïd, Michel Merkt, producers (MUBI)

Past Lives
Celine Song, director; David Hinojosa, Pamela Koffler, Christine Vachon, producers (A24)

Reality
Tina Satter, director; Brad Becker-Parton, Riva Marker, Greg Nobile, Noah Stahl, producers (HBO Films)

Showing Up
Kelly Reichardt, director; Neil Kopp, Vincent Savino, Anish Savjani, producers (A24)

A Thousand and One
A.V. Rockwell, director; Julia Lebedev, Rishi Rajani, Eddie Vaisman, Lena Waithe, Bred Weston, producers (Focus Features)

Best International Feature
All of Us Strangers
Andrew Haigh, director; Graham Broadbent, Peter Czernin, Sarah Harvey, producers (Searchlight Pictures)

Anatomy of a Fall
Justine Triet, director; Marie-Ange Luciani, David Thion, producers (NEON)

Poor Things
Yorgos Lanthimos, director; Ed Guiney, Yorgos Lanthimos, Andrew Lowe, Emma Stone, producers (Searchlight Pictures)

Tótem
Lila Avilés, director; Lila Avilés, Tatiana Graullera, Louise Riousse, producers (Sideshow/Janus Films)

The Zone of Interest
Jonathan Glazer, director; Ewa Puszczynska, James Wilson, producers (A24)

Best Documentary Feature
20 Days in Mariupol
Mstyslav Chernov, director; Raney Aronson-Rath, Mstyslav Chernov, Derl McCrudden, Michelle Mizner, producers (PBS Distribution)

Against the Tide
Sarvnik Kaur, director; Koval Bhatia, Sarvnik Kaur, producers (Snooker Club Films, A Little Anarky Films)

Apolonia, Apolonia
Lea Glob, director; Sidsel Lønvig Siersted, producer (Danish Documentary Production)

Four Daughters
Kaouther Ben Hania, director; Nadim Cheikhrouha, producer (Kino Lorber)

Our Body
Claire Simon, director; Kristina Larsen, producer (Cinema Guild)

Breakthrough Director Award, Presented by Cadillac

Raven Jackson, All Dirt Roads Taste of Salt (A24)

Georgia Oakley, Blue Jean (Magnolia Pictures)

Michelle Garza Cervera, Huesera (XYZ Films)

Celine Song, Past Lives (A24)

A.V. Rockwell, A Thousand and One (Focus Features)

Best Screenplay

All of Us Strangers, Andrew Haigh (Searchlight Pictures)

Anatomy of a Fall, Justine Triet, Arthur Harari (NEON)

May December, Samy Burch (Netflix)

R.M.N., Cristian Mungiu (IFC Films)

The Zone of Interest, Jonathan Glazer (A24)

Outstanding Lead Performance

Aunjanue Ellis-Taylor, Origin (NEON)

Lily Gladstone, The Unknown Country (Music Box Films)

Greta Lee, Past Lives (A24)

Franz Rogowski, Passages (MUBI)

Babetida Sadjo, Our Father, The Devil (Cineverse)

Andrew Scott, All of Us Strangers (Searchlight Pictures)

Cailee Spaeny, Priscilla (A24)

Teyana Taylor, A Thousand and One (Focus Features)

Michelle Williams, Showing Up (A24)

Jeffrey Wright, American Fiction (Orion Pictures / Amazon MGM Studios)

Outstanding Supporting Performance

Juliette Binoche, The Taste of Things (IFC Films)

Penélope Cruz, Ferrari (NEON)

Jamie Foxx, They Cloned Tyrone (Netflix)

Claire Foy, All of Us Strangers (Searchlight Films)

Ryan Gosling, Barbie (Warner Bros. Pictures)

Glenn Howerton, BlackBerry (IFC Films)

Sandra Hüller, The Zone of Interest (A24)

Rachel McAdams, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret (Lionsgate)

Charles Melton, May December (Netflix)

Da’Vine Joy Randolph, The Holdovers (Focus Features)

Breakthrough Series – Under 40 minutes
Beef, Lee Sung Jin, creator; Ravi Nandan, Alli Reich, Jake Schreier, Ali Wong, Steven Yeun, executive producers (Netflix)

High School, Clea DuVall, Sara Quin, Tegan Quin, creators; Clea Duvall, Dede Gardner, Laura Kittrell, Jeremy Kleiner, Sara Quin, Tegan Quin, Carina Sposato, executive producers (Amazon Freevee)

I’m A Virgo, Boots Riley, creator; Tze Chun, Michael Ellenberg, Marcus Gardley, Carver Karaszewski, Jharrel Jerome, Boots Riley, Rebecca Rivo, Lindsey Springer, executive producers (Prime Video)

Rain Dogs, Cash Carraway, creator; Cash Carraway, Sally Woodward Gentle, Lee Morris, executive producers (HBO | Max)

Swarm, Donald Glover, Janine Nabers, creators; Ibra Ake, Donald Glover, Stephen Glover, Janine Nabers Jamal Olor, Steven Prinz, Michael Schaefer, Fam Udeorji, executive producers (Amazon Studios)

Breakthrough Series – Over 40 minutes
Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire
Rolin Jones, creator; Mark Johnson, Rolin Jones, Anne Rice, Christopher Rice, Alan Taylor, executive producers (AMC)

Dead Ringers
Alice Birch, creator; Alice Birch, Anne Carey, Sean Durkin, Megan Ellison, Erica Kay, Ali Krug, Sue Naegle, Stacy O’Neil, David Robinson, James G. Robinson, Polly Stokes, Barbara Wall, Rachel Weisz, executive directors (Prime Video)

The English
Hugo Blick, creator; Hugo Blick, Emily Blunt, Greg Brenman, executive producers (Prime Video)

The Last of Us
Craig Mazin, Neil Druckmann, creators; Neil Druckmann, Craig Mazin, Rose Lam, Asad Qizilbash, Carolyn Strauss, Carter Swan, Evan Wells, executive producers; (HBO | Max)

A Small Light
Tony Phelan, Joan Rater, creator; Susanna Fogel, William Harper, Avi Nir, Tony Phelan, Joan Rater, Lisa Roos, Alon Shtruzman, Peter Traugott, executive producers (National Geographic)

Telemarketers
Adam Bhala Lough, Sam Lipman-Stern, directors; Nancy Abraham, Dani Bernfeld, David Gordon Green, Lisa Heller, Jody Hill, Brandon James, Sam Lipman-Stern, Adam Bhala Lough, Danny McBride, Tina Nguyen, Benny Safdie, Josh Safdie, Greg Stewart, executive producers (HBO | Max)

Outstanding Performance in a New Series
Jacob Anderson, Anne Rice’s Interview with The Vampire (AMC)

Dominique Fishback, Swarm (Amazon Studios)

Jharrel Jerome, I’m A Virgo (Prime Video)

Natasha Lyonne, Poker Face (Peacock)

Bel Powley, A Small Light (National Geographic)

Bella Ramsey, The Last of Us (HBO | Max)

Chaske Spencer, The English (Prime Video)

Rachel Weisz, Dead Ringers ((Prime Video)

Ali Wong, Beef (Netflix)

Steven Yeun, Beef (Netflix)

Happy Birthday, Arleigh!


Today is a very special day as we celebrate the birthday of the founder of the Shattered Lens, the one and only …. ARLEIGH SANDOC!  The cats are celebrating and so are we!

Happy birthday, Arleigh!

Nearly 14 years ago, Arleigh founded the site that would eventually become the Shattered Lens.  After coming across my ranting about Italian horror on what was then twitter, Arleigh invited me to join him and his initial crew of writers and, the rest as they say, is history!  I am still so thankful for that invitation.  I’ve been posting my reviews here at the Shattered Lens since 2010 and I have grown so much as both a writer and a human being over those years.

A new year is coming up and I’m currently busy plotting out my plans for the year 2024. However, today is all about Arleigh!

Happy birthday, Arleigh!  Here comes the cake!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.12 “Little Prince”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs once again end up with a case that leaves them wondering what it all means.

Episode 1.12 “Little Prince”

(Dir by Alan J. Levi, originally aired on December 14th, 1984)

If nothing else, this episode of Miami Vice has a brilliant opening.

As Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood plays on the soundtrack, Gina and Trudy stumble down a Miami street.  Trudy is shaking and sobbing and saying that she desperately needs a fix.  A drug dealer named Luther (played an amazingly young and charismatic Giancarlo Esposito) steps out of the shadows and invites them to come back to his shooting gallery for a fix.  Gina accuses Luther of being a cop.  Luther smiles and points to a tear drop that’s been tattooed under his eye.

Gina and Trudy go to Luther’s shooting gallery, which they discover is full of strung-out people.  (Luther calmly mentions that there’s at least two dead people in the apartment.)  Of course, Gina and Trudy aren’t there to score drugs.  They are there to make a bust, which they do as soon as Tubbs and Crockett arrive.  (Tubbs and Crockett had to beat up an informant to find out where Luther’s shooting gallery was and, as a result, they’re running a little late.)  Guns are fired.  Gina gets to shoot yet another man.  (Go Gina!)  One junkie jumps out a window.  Crockett says that the junkie probably landed on the fire escape.  He looks out the window.

“No fire escape,” he says.

It’s a great opening.  Unfortunately, it’s pretty much all downhill from there.  This is the first episode of Miami Vice that just didn’t work for me.

One of the junkies arrested at the shooting gallery turns out to be Mark Jorgenson, Jr. (Mitchell Litchenstein), the son of the very wealthy Mark, Sr. (Paul Roebling).  Mark, Jr. loves to play polo and he’s hooked on heroin.  Because they’re convinced that he can be intimidated into giving up his dealer, Crockett and Tubbs put pressure on him.  Crockett starts showing up at all of Mark, Jr.’s polo matches.  He even meets Mary McDermott (Maryann Punkett), who is Mark Sr’s girlfriend and the closest thing that Mark Jr. has to a mother.

Over the course of the investigation, Crockett and Tubbs come to realize that Mark, Sr. is actually a big-time money launderer and drug boss.  When they raid one of his warehouses, they discover that Mary is the one who handles all of the business transactions.  After Mary turns up dead, Mark Jr. agrees to help the cops expose his father.  Mark Jr. wears a wire, just for his father to finally tell him that he loves him before confessing to Mary’s murder.  Mark, Sr. is arrested and Mark, Jr.’s life is ruined and Sonny wonders if it was all really worth it.

As I said, this episode didn’t work for me.  Neither Mark Jr. nor Mark Sr. were particularly compelling characters and neither actor could do much with their underwritten characters.  In particular, Mark, Jr. came across as being so spoiled and whiny that I really didn’t care whether his life was ruined or not.  Brilliant opening aside, this was a forgettable episode.

Monday Live Tweet Alert: Join Us For Death Car On The Freeway and No Way Out!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter and occasionally Mastodon.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of Mastodon’s #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We snark our way through it.

Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, the film will be 1979’s Death Car On The Freeway!! I picked it so you know it’ll be good.

Following #MondayActionMovie, Brad and Sierra will be hosting the #MondayMuggers live tweet.  We will be watching Kevin Costner and Gene Hackman in No Way Out!  This film is also available on Prime and Tubi!

It should make for a night of fun viewing and I invite all of you to join in.  If you want to join the live tweets, just hop onto Mastodon, pull up Death Car On The Freeway on YouTube, start the movie at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag!  Then, at 10 pm et, switch over to Twitter, start No Way Out, and use the #MondayMuggers hashtag!  The live tweet community is a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.