Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1992’s What She Doesn’t Know! It can be viewed on YouTube!
Molly Kilcolin (Valerie Bertinelli) has graduated from law school!
In fact, she’s not only graduated from law school but she’s graduated from Harvard Law School, the most prestigious and most expensive law school out there. And she’s graduated at the top of her class. She’s the one who gets to give the speech at graduation, where she says that everything she knows about justice she learned from her father.
It’s really quite an accomplishment when you consider that Molly isn’t even from a rich family. She’s from a family of blue collar, New York City cops. Her father, Jack Kilcoin (George Dzundza), certainly never had a chance to go to Harvard. How did Molly even afford to go to Harvard? Apparently, her tuition was paid out of a trust fund that her aunt set up for her when she was a child. Seriously, that must have been a helluva trust fund because Harvard is not cheap or easy to get into.
Unfortunately, Molly disappoints her father when she tells him that she will not be accepting a job with a high class law firm but instead, she plans to work for the District Attorney’s office. Her fellow prosecutors are skeptical of her as well. Why does she want to go from Harvard to making next to no money in the trenches? Someone asks her if she has political ambitions but no, Molly just wants to do the right thing. She grew up in the neighborhood, don’t you know. She knows the people who are getting caught up in the Mafia’s schemes.
After Molly convinces a young mobster named Joey Mastinelli (Peter Dobson) to testify against his boss, she is shocked to discover that over half of the NYPD is on the Mob’s payroll. She is even more shocked to discover that her father is one of those dirty cops. For years, her father has been taking bribes and hiding the money away in Molly’s trust fund. Molly’s Harvard education was paid for by the Mafia!
As you can probably guess, family dinners are about to get awkward!
I usually enjoy films like What She Doesn’t Know because I’m always interested in the Mafia and there was a time when I briefly thought it might be fun to grow up and go to law school. I don’t know if I would have wanted to become a prosecutor, of course. Unlike Molly, I probably would have taken that ritzy law firm offer. The idea behind What She Doesn’t Know had potential but it was let down by the execution. Valerie Bertinelli tries hard but she’s just not convincing as a tough-as-nails Harvard grad. George Dzundza is a bit more believable as an aging New York cop but he’s still a bit on the dull side. (It would have been nice if this film could have been made a few years later, with Mira and Paul Sorvino in the lead roles.)
The film’s biggest flaw is that it portrays Molly as being so totally clueless about her father’s activities that it makes her seem to be impossibly naïve. I mean, did she never wonder how she could possibly afford to go to Harvard?
The 2013 film, Online, opens with a bunch of male co-workers going out for pizza. They’re celebrating the promotion of John Wild (Morgan Ayers), who has gone from being a preacher’s kid to being the youngest executive at their company. Before they dig into the pizza, one of the older men says a quick blessing over it….
Yes, it’s one of those films!
John has a well-paying job, a big house, and a beautiful and supportive wife named Mary (Kelsey Sanders). For most people, that would probably be enough to be happy for at least a few years but not for John! John finds himself thinking about his high school girlfriend, Adrianna (Esseri Holmes). John was in love with Adrianna, or at least he thought he was. But then, one day, she told him that her father’s company was forcing them to relocate to France. Both John and Adrianna were heart-broken.
(My family moved around a lot when I was growing up. Whenever my Dad got a new job, we moved to a new town and often a new state. Personally, I would happily trade that month in Tulsa for a few years in France.)
Despite the fact that he’s happily married and he knows that he shouldn’t, John decides to look Adrianna up online. He uses a site called SocialFriends.com because everyone knows better than to run the risk of getting sued by Facebook. (My favorite Facebook’s substitute was Degrassi‘s Facerange.) It turns out that Adrianna has not only returned to America but she also lives nearby!
Unfortunately, Adrianna is married now. Even more unfortunately, her husband is a French cosmetics heir named Pierre (Byron Herlong). Pierre spends all of his time complaining about Americans being materialistic and arrogant. Adrianna replies that, if it wasn’t for those “arrogant Americans,” he would “be speaking German right now.” Boom! You tell him, girl! Pierre doesn’t have a snarky reply for that!
John reaches out to Adrianna. They have dinner at a fancy restaurant. They talk. They catch up on old times. They eventually share one kiss. Of course, John doesn’t bother to tell his wife about any of this and instead, he just tells a lot of lies about having to work late. However, Mary’s not dumb. She knows that there is something her husband isn’t telling her, especially after the credit card bill comes in and she discovers how much he’s been spending on dinner. Mary’s mother, who has never gotten over being cheated on by her own husband, hires a private detective to follow John around.
John’s mistake, one of his co-workers explains, wasn’t just that he reached out to Adrianna and then lied to his wife about it. John’s mistake is that he allowed himself to dine alone with another woman to begin with!
Online is one of those low-budget indie films that really makes you appreciate directors and editors who know how to keep the action moving at a steady pace because the film was filled with so many slow spots that it was next to impossible for me to really focus on it. My mind kept wandering as I watched the film. I also got a bit annoyed that, while John was given a chance at redemption, Adrianna was not. If John was portrayed as being someone who, in the midst of a mid-like crisis, made a mistake than Adrianna was essentially portrayed as just being a brazen homewrecker. That said, the film did feature Pierre being put in his place and I appreciated that. Arrogant Americans for the win!
On Friday, I watched the episode that was shot in my hometown and, once again, I was disappointed to see how boring my town looks on film. Jon Taffer transformed the bar into a taco place. The owners abandoned the concept as soon as Taffer left. They subsequently went out of business.
Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)
To be honest, I was happy that at least two characters in Barry managed to get a happy ending. I was expecting everyone to be dead by the end of the show but Sally survived and appears to have found some peace. And Fuches seems to have survived as well. Interestingly enough, Sally and Fuches were the only two characters who, in the end, chose to come clean about who they were and what they had done. Barry was killed by his acting mentor, losing his chance at redemption. NoHo Hank died while still in denial about killing Christobal. And Cusineau ended up doing life in prison and being portrayed as being not only a villain but also as being British in the inevitable movie version of Barry’s life. Barry was a great and often unsettling show.
Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)
Young Beavis trained for combat! Old Beavis …. well, old Beavis and Butt-Head are depressing no matter what they do. This week, they tried to get vasectomies because they thought that would make them more appealing to soccer moms. It’s always kind of depressing when a Young Beavis and Butt-Head vignette is followed by one that shows what type of life they have waiting for them.
Dirty Pair Flash (YouTube)
I watched an episode of this anime on Saturday morning. I had no idea what was going on but there were a lot of monsters and a lot of things blowing up. It was fun!
On Monday, I finally finished binging Hang Time. I’ve written up all my reviews and they’ll be dropping on weekly basis through September. Read my latest review here!
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Prime)
I watched the first episode of the final season on Saturday morning. I look forward to binging the rest of the season over the upcoming week. I’ll share my thoughts once I’ve finished watching.
This week, I watched the first sixteen episodes of this classic 80s cop show. My reviews will start dropping in September. For now, I’ll just say that I’m enjoying the show.
New Wave Theatre (YouTube)
I watched an episode of this 80s cable access show on Saturday morning. It was a Christmas episode. It was a bit bizarre. I did enjoy some of the bands that played.
Night Music (YouTube)
I watched an episode of this 90s talk-and-music show on Friday night. The music was great and, for the most part, the bands and musicians were all previously unknown to me. It was educational in the best way.
A Small Light (Hulu)
I watched the first episode of this miniseries on Thursday. I’m going to watch the rest of the episodes over this upcoming week so I’ll save my thoughts until after I’ve experienced the entire show.
The second season is over and I’m still sorting out how I feel about it. I enjoyed the first few episodes but then I found myself gradually growing more annoyed with the show and the characters. The inconsistent pacing particularly got on my nerves. Killing off Natalie, the character to whom I most related, is definitely not going to make me remember this season fondly. I’m at the point now that whenever Lotte pops up, whether it’s the past or the present version of the character, I want to throw something at the screen. Still, it’s an intriguing premise and, as frustrated as I get with the show, it’s worth watching for the cast alone.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Well, I don’t have anyone but myself to blame.
Ever since I started doing these retro television reviews, people have been suggesting that I should review an old 70s sitcom called Welcome Back, Kotter. I only knew a few things about Welcome Back, Kotter. I knew that it was the show that made John Travolta a star. I knew that it was Marcia’s favorite show on The Brady Bunch Hour. I knew that Gabe Kaplan played Gabe Kotter, a teacher who returned to his old Brooklyn neighborhood to teach a bunch of students known as the “Sweathogs.” (Bleh! What an unappealing nickname.) It didn’t sound like something I wanted to watch but, being the polite person that I am, I always said, “If it’s ever streaming somewhere, I will.” The unspoken assumption, of course, was that the show would never be streaming anywhere.
Then, one day, I looked at Tubi and….
Again, I have no one to blame but myself.
As for the show, it was based on the stand-up routines of its star, Gabe Kaplan. It followed former Sweathog Gabe Kotter (played, of course, by Kaplan) as he tried to teach a new generation of Sweathogs at James Buchanan High in Brooklyn. Gabe was married to Julie (Marica Strassman). They lived in a small Brooklyn apartment and Gabe was constantly forcing his wife to listen to corny jokes about his family. At the school, Gabe’s principal was Mr. Woodman (John Sylvester White), a former history teacher who disliked the Sweathogs.
As for the Sweathogs themselves, there were several but only four were really important.
Vinnie Barbarino (John Travolta) was the handsome but dumb one.
Freddie Washington (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) was the cool basketball player who would often say, “Hi, there” in a very deep voice.
Juan Epstein (Robert Hegyes) was the one most likely to kill someone.
Arnold Horseshack (Ron Pallilo) was the nerdy one with the high-pitched voice. In Kaplan’s original stand-up routine, his nickname was Arnold Horseshit but I doubt that was ever mentioned on the show.
And, of course, there was the theme song. Welcome Back, Kotter was written and performed by John Sebastian, whose previous claim to fame was appearing on the stage at Woodstock while stoned out of his mind.
Okay, let’s do this thing.
Episode 1.1 “The Great Debate”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on September 9th, 1975)
The very first episode of Welcome Back, Kotter opens with teacher Gabe Kotter (Gabe Kaplan) making out with his wife, Julie (Marcia Strassman), on the couch in their little Brooklyn apartment. Kotter suddenly stops kissing his wife so that he can tell her a joke about the time his uncle slept in the same bed as his secretary and told her that if she wanted to be “Mrs. Kotter for the night,” then she should get out of bed and close the bedroom window herself. Julie laughs. Personally, if my romantic partner stopped kissing me specifically so he could tell an adultery joke, I don’t know if I would laugh. I’d probably be more like, “What are you trying to tell me with that?”
Fortunately, the theme song starts up and rescues the audience from that awkward moment.
The next day, Gabe goes to work at James Buchanan High School. He teaches the remedial class, which is populated by underachieving students who have been nicknamed “the Sweathogs.” Gabe discovers that the Sweathogs have painted a rather garish mural on the wall of the classroom.
Vinne Barbarino (John Travolta) gets up and explains what the mural’s about.
Gabe is impressed by the fact that young John Travolta is a hundred times better looking and charismatic than anyone else in the school. But Gabe still insists that the Sweathogs wash off the mural. The Sweathogs agree, before revealing that they also painted the top of Gabe’s desk.
In the teacher’s lounge, Alex (James Woods) makes fun of Gabe’s stupid students. Gabe make fun of Alex for writing plays with names like “Fiddler On My Sister.” Alex says that his debate class can defeat Gabe’s class. Gabe accepts the challenge and….
Wait a minute! JAMES WOODS!?
Yes, that is indeed a youngish James Woods playing Alex, the school’s pretentious drama teacher. Woods is okay in the role. There’s not a whole lot to be done with the character as he’s pretty much just an uptight strawman who is there to be humiliated by Kotter and his class.
As for the debate itself, the resolution is that “Humans are naturally aggressive.” Alex’s class argues in the negative while Kotter’s class argues in the positive. Alex’s class is uptight and wears sweaters. The Sweathogs show up in garish costumes. With the help of Epstein (Robert Hegyes), Barbarino argues that Jack the Ripper and Atilla the Hun prove that people are naturally aggressive. When Mr, Woodman (John Sylvester White), who is moderating the debate, says that they need a timekeeper, Sweathog Arnold Horschack (Ron Pallilo) enthusiastically volunteers.
“Can he tell time, Mr. Kotter?” a flustered Woodman asks and I’ll admit that I did laugh. John Sylvester White delivered the line perfectly.
Sweathog Freddie Washington (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) then makes his case but, because his only experience with public speaking is in church, he gives a sermon. “He isn’t following the rules!” one of Alex’s students shouts.
While Alex’s star debater makes his case, the Sweathogs heckle him so aggressively that the student has a nervous breakdown and starts screaming, “SHUT UP!” at them. As Kotter points out, this proves that humans are naturally aggressive. Woodman announces that “This debate is called on account of dumbness.”
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about Larry and his pet toad.
I have to admit that I enjoyed this episode quite a bit more than I was expecting to. Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, John Travolta, Ron Pallilo, and Robert Hegyes had a lot of comedic chemistry as the main Sweathogs and Gabe Kaplan did a good job of projecting a much needed sincerity in the role of Mr. Kotter. He seemed to truly care about his students. This was definitely a good episode to start the series off with.
Episode 1.2 “Basket Case”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on September 16th, 1975)
At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about how his childhood bully beat up his father.
At school, it’s time for the Sweathogs to take a history exam. Barbarino has all the answers written on his arm but, fortunately, Gabe shows up with water and a paper towel. Horseshack tries to distribute the tests in another classroom but Gabe stops him. Epstein shows up with a note excusing him from the exam because of his bursitis but Gabe tosses the note away as soon as he notices that it is signed “Epstein’s Mother.” Freddie, meanwhile, doesn’t think that grades matter because he’s made the basketball team. In fact, he draws a picture of himself as “Stilt Man” on his test paper.
When Gabe fails Freddy, the basketball coach and Mr. Woodman ask him to reconsider. The Sweathogs ask him to reconsider. And Freddie tells Kotter that he’s not going to take a makeup exam. Kotter challenges Freddie to a basketball game. If Freddie win, he passes. If Kotter, who was basketball star in high school, wins, Freddie retakes the test. Freddie agrees and….
Well, it turns out that a game between a middle-aged, out-of-shape teacher and a high school star athlete goes about as well as you might expect. We don’t see the game but we do see Mr. Woodman and the basketball coach carrying a delirious Kotter into the teacher’s lounge. Freddie apparently destroyed Kotter on the court but he’s so impressed by Kotter’s determination that he agrees to retake the test anyway.
Back at the apartment, Kotter tells Julie a joke about why he never wears hats. Apparently, he felt his head was too big. Poor guy.
Again, this was not a bad episode. I was worried that Kotter would somehow beat Freddie at basketball while the audience went wild but, instead, the episode got laughs by being honest. There was no way Gabe was going to win that game. Interestingly enough, this episode was as much about Gabe dealing with the fact that he was getting older than it was about getting Freddie to take his grades seriously. Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs was particularly strong in this episode. It may have been a comedy but Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs played it like a drama and, as a result, the stakes felt real.
So, the first two episodes of Welcome Back Kotter took me by surprise. Will the rest of the show be this good? We’ll find out over the weeks to come!
As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We tweet our way through it.
Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Tim Buntley will be hosting 2020’s The Oak Room!
If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! The film is available on Prime. I’ll probably be there and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.
This song was written for the 2002 film, Enough. The music video also features scenes from Enough so if you want to watch that particular film but you don’t have two hours to spare, fear not! Here’s the four minute version!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, The Master teams up with an old enemy.
Episode 1.4 “Hostages”
(Dir by Ray Austin, originally aired on February 10th, 1984)
“Hi, I’m Max Keller….”
This episode of The Master opens with Max (Timothy Van Patten) flying high above California in a motorized hang glider. Apparently, this is the latest part of Max’s ninja training, though I have to wonder where the hang glider came from and whether or not being able to use a hang glider is a specific ninja skill. The more I think about it, the more it seems that McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is just leading Max on for his own amusement.
Max spots a woman (Jennifer Runyon, who later took over the role of Marcia Brady in A Very Brady Christmas) who is sitting behind the wheel of an out-of-control car. Apparently, the brakes have failed and the car will soon careen over the side of a cliff! Max swoops down and rescues the woman, minute before her car crashes and explodes.
The woman is Alice Clayton, the extremely talkative daughter of U.S. Senator Sam Clayton (Robert Dowdell). Don’t worry, no one was trying to kill her. The brakes just failed on their own. A grateful Alice invites Max and McAllister to come to a party that the senator is throwing at his hillside mansion.
Soon, Max and McAllister are wearing tuxedos and hanging out at the party. A CIA agent named Malory (one-time Bond star, George Lazenby) recognizes McAllister and accuses him of running a “subversive ninja school.” Meanwhile, by an amazing coincidence, Okasa (Sho Kosugi) — McAllister’s former student who has taken a vow to kill him — also happens to be at the party. He even takes the time to throw a ninja star at McAllister.
But that’s not all! The party is also crashed by a group of terrorists, lead by Serena (Randi Brooks) and Castile (David McCallum). The terrorists kidnaps Alice, her father, and the wives of several European diplomats. The head of the CIA (Monte Markham) orders McAllister and Malory to set aside their differences and to rescue the hostages. Max also decides to help which means that the hang glider makes another appearance as Max soars above the terrorist compound.
Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double gets quite a workout in this episode of The Master. Not only do Okasa and McAllister have a brief fight but McAllister also gets to take on an entire compound full of terrorists. Of course, McAllister wears his full of ninja uniform while doing all of this, all the better to hopefully keep us from noticing that Lee Van Cleef isn’t the one doing all of the kicking and hitting. And I will say that, in this episode, the fights were fairly well-done. The plot was predictable but the fights were probably about as exciting as you could hope from a network television show that aired in the 80s.
Other than the fights, the best thing about this episode was the chance to see George Lazenby playing a character who was Bond in everything but the name. Lazenby himself has said that one of the reasons he struggled with the role of James Bond was because he was too young when he starred in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. In this episode of The Master, Lazenby is older and a bit more weathered and he’s totally believable as a spy who is tough but who still enjoys the better things in life. As well, David McCallum does a good job as the cynical terrorist, though his character isn’t really given much to do.
I actually kind of enjoyed this episode of The Master. As opposed to the previous three episodes, it focused on the action and it didn’t really have any slow spots. It was a fun episode.
Through the Shattered Lens 