Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we begin season 3 of Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 7th, 1979)

The third season of Fantasy Island gets off to a strange start when, after announcing that the plane is arriving with this week’s guests, Tattoo approaches Mr. Roarke while accompanied by a one-man band.

Not even bothering to disguise his contempt his assistant, Mr. Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing.  Tattoo replies that he is campaigning for the position of Honorary Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island.  He hands Mr. Roarke one of his fliers.

Again, Mr. Roarke does not appear to be particularly amused as he informs Tattoo that he has been Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island for several terms now and no one, up until this point, has ever dared to run against him.  Tattoo suggests that it is time for a change.

Myself, I’m just wondering what the heck is going on.

I mean, we are three seasons into Fantasy Island.  It has been established that Fantasy Island is an independent nation, one that is home not just to the resort but also to a fishing village, a private school, an old west town, several haunted houses, a red light district, and miles of potentially dangerous jungle.  Whenever anyone from America has tried to boss around Mr. Roarke, Roarke has replied that Fantasy Island is a not governed by American law.  Given the size and the variety of lifestyles on Fantasy Island, I’m not sure that “Lord Mayor” is really the right term to use for the island’s ruler.

Beyond that, it’s been pretty much established that Mr. Roarke is Fantasy Island’s dictator.  He decides what happens on Fantasy Island.  He makes the laws.  It’s his island and everyone respects his authority.  The important thing is that, over the past two seasons, it has never been previously mentioned that Mr. Roarke is an elected official.  If Tattoo were to win the election, would the Island become his?  Is Tattoo truly trying to overthrow Mr. Roarke?  Given how much Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize disliked each other, it would not surprise me if Villechaize would have been happy to see that happen.  But, if you’re going by the show’s admittedly twisty continuity, the whole thing just doesn’t make any sense.

As for this week’s two fantasies, the first one doesn’t always make that much sense either.  It features David Doyle as Fred Forbush, an underwear manufacturer.  He’s come to the island with his wife (Constance Towers) and kids (Ronnie Scribner and Katrina Axley).  Fred has gotten in some business trouble.  Though his family doesn’t know it, he is on the verge of losing it all.  However, he has a life insurance policy that will pay his family over a million dollars if he’s murdered.  Though his family thinks that they are just on vacation, Fred’s fantasy is for Mr. Roarke to arrange for a hitman to kill him.

The fact that Mr. Roarke not only agrees to this but apparently also allows a hitman named Johnny Detroit (Eddie Mekka) to operate an assassination school on his island suggests that maybe Tattoo has a point about the Island needing a new Lord Mayor.

Johnny’s first attempt to murder Fred fails when Johnny slips on a leaf and ends up firing his sniper rifle into the sky.  Humiliated by that failure, Johnny now feels that killing Fred is a matter of honor.  However, Fred receives word that a clothing store wants to go into business with him!  Fred no longer wants to die!  Well, good luck with that….

Fear not!  This is actually the episode’s comedic storyline so Fred doesn’t die.  Instead, he ends up trying to hide from Johnny by putting on a wig and a sarong.  When that doesn’t work, he tells his family the truth.  (Needless to say, his wife is pretty angry at Lord Mayor Mr. Roarke.)  Fortunately, Johnny’s mother (Kaye Ballard) shows up on the island and puts an end to the whole thing.  It turns out that Johnny really isn’t a hitman.  Instead, he’s just a guy named Wilbur whose fantasy was to be a ruthless killer …. which is not disturbing at all!

While all that nonsense is going on, Jack Summers (Peter Graves) and his daughter, Terry (Eve Plumb, continuing the tradition of former Brady kids showing up on both this show and The Love Boat) arrive on the island to see Dr. Frantz (Gail Fisher).  Terry was an Olympic-level swimmer until a car accident left her in a wheelchair.  Jack’s fantasy is that Dr. Frantz will be able to cure Terry’s condition and she’ll be able to walk and swim once again.  Unfortunately, Dr. Frantz explains that there is no hope.

However, Mr. Roarke has also arranged for Terry to teach a water ballet class.  The class is made up of disabled children and, as you have probably already guessed, working with them causes Terry to realize that she doesn’t have to go to the Olympics to do great things.  As far as fantasies go, it was predictable but sweet.  Even Peter Graves gets emotional watching Terry’s students in the water.

But what about the election?  Tattoo names Chester the Chimpanzee as his campaign manager and loses the election when Chester eats the only vote that Tattoo received.  By a landslide, Mr. Roarke is reelected.  Presumably, his first post-election move will be to have Tattoo imprisoned for bringing Johnny Detroit to the Island, despite the fact that it was actually all Mr. Roarke’s idea.  When you’re a dictator, you can do whatever you want.  Hopefully, Tattoo will be free by next week’s episode.

This episode was a nice way to kick off season 3.  The election storyline reminded the viewers of just how weird Fantasy Island actually is, as both a location and a show.  Eddie Mekka made me chuckle a few times in the role of the buffoonish Johnny Detroit.  And I was glad that Terry found the peace and happiness that was always denied to Jan Brady.

Next week: Abe Vigoda visits the Island!