The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Hard To Die (dir by Jim Wynorski)


 

Do you remember how, a few days ago, I reviewed a silly little movie called Sorority House Massacre II?

Well, it turns out that there’s a sequel and it’s on YouTube!  Both films were directed by Jim Wynorski and featured pretty much the same cast, despite the fact that a few of them were playing new characters.  It was released under several different titles.  Hard To Die is the one that I’m going with for this review.  However, the film was also known as Tower of Terror, which makes sense when you consider that the majority of the film takes place in a hi-rise office building.  It was also apparently released in some places as Sorority House Massacre III, despite the fact that there’s no sorority house in the movie.

Actually, it’s debatable whether or not Hard To Die is actually a sequel.  It’s true that Orville Ketchum (Peter Spellos) does make another appearance.  In the first movie, Orville was the creepy neighbor.  In Hard To Die, he’s the janitor at the office building.  Orville tells the exact same story, with the exact same flashbacks, that he told in Sorority House Massacre II.  (Those flashbacks, of course, were lifted from a totally unrelated movie called Slumber Party Massacre.  There were apparently a lot of massacres in the 80s and 90s.)  The evil spirit of Hockstadder returns as well, though this time he comes flying out of a box that was accidentally delivered to the office building as opposed to a Ouija board.  And, of course, there’s an abundance of lingerie, awkward dialogue, and cheap gore effects.  (At one point, a bucket of fake blood is literally splashed on a wall.)  However, Hard To Die also tells almost exactly the same story of Sorority House Massacre II.  There are so few differences that I’m actually more tempted to say that Hard To Die is a remake of Sorority House Massacre II than a sequel.  The only problem with that theory is whether or not a second movie can be considered remake when the first movie literally came out the exact same year.

(One of the reasons that I love my work here at the TSL is that it allows me to obsess over minutia like this.)

Anyway, the main difference between Hard To Die and Sorority House Massacre III is that there’s no sorority house in Hard To Die.  Instead, Hard To Die takes place in a lingerie shop that just happens to be located on the 7th floor of a skyscraper.  The hard-working employees are spending the weekend doing inventory but it’s not going to well.  For one thing, the sprinklers accidentally go off so everyone decides to take off their wet clothes, put on skimpy lingerie, and order pizza.  Personally, I probably would have waited for the pizza to arrive before getting naked but then again, I’ve never worked retail or dated a pizza deliveryman.

The pizza does eventually arrive but no one gets to eat it because the deliveryperson gets set on fire and ends up falling several floors to her death.  That’s a waste of good pizza, which is kind of depressing.  Meanwhile, Orville keeps trying to warn everyone about Hockstadder but, instead, he keeps getting beaten up.  The end credits of Hard To Die promised that the next film would be called Orville In Orbit.  Apparently, it was never made but I do hope that Orville got a vacation after all of this.

Anyway, Hard To Die is an extremely silly movie but it’s just so sincere in its silliness that it feels somewhat churlish to be too critical of it.  If I had to choose whether to be in Sorority House Massacre II or Hard To Die, I would probably pick Hard To Die because, at least in that movie, I’d get to shoot a machine gun.  Hard To Die is so blatantly and unapologetically over the top that you can’t help but be amused by it all.

Horror Film Review: The Vampire (dir by Paul Landres)


Headaches are a bitch!

And if you didn’t already know that, you will know it after watching the 1957 film, The Vampire.

Like many films of this kind, The Vampire starts with death.

Actually, I take that back.  Technically, it’s true but it’s also little bit too melodramatic.  And, to be honest, The Vampire starts with a 14 year-old boy, who is very much alive, riding his bicycle down the street of Anytown USA.  He has a box with him, one that has air holes.  On the back of his bike, a cardboard sign reads: “Bobs Pet Zoo!  If Its Alive We Got It!”  Apparently, the kid is smart enough to run his own zoo but not smart enough to know when to use an apostrophe.

Anyway, the kid comes up to a creepy old house, one that looks somewhat out of place in the otherwise pristine suburban neighborhood.  Originally, I thought that maybe Pennywise lived in the house but then I reminded myself that The Vampire was made decades before It.  Instead, the house belongs to Dr. Campbell, a scientist who is doing experiments with blood and who needs a never-ending supply of animal test subjects.  (Boooooo!  Animal testing!  Hiss!)  Apparently, the kid keeps Dr. Campbell supplied with animals.  When the kid enters the house, Dr. Campbell is nowhere to be seen.  It’s not until the kid enters the laboratory that he discovers Campbell, dead and slumped over his desk.

As news spreads of Campbell’s death, his friend, Dr. Paul Beecher (John Beal), searches through Campbell’s belongings and he comes across a mysterious bottle of pills, which he promptly takes home with him.  Dr. Beecher is kindly doctor, the type that we all wish we could deal with whenever we had to go in for a check up.  However, he suffers from terrible migraines.  That night, when he’s literally blinded with a headache, he asks his daughter to get him his pills.  She retrieves a bottle of pills but guess what?  They’re the wrong pills!  They’re not headache pills!  Instead, they’re Dr. Campbell’s vampirism pills!

The pills cause Beecher to blaxk out.  Whenever he comes to, he never has any memory of what he may or may not have done while he was out.  However, strange things are happening to his friends and his patients.  One of his longtime patients dies of fright when he comes by her house.  On her neck, he finds two puncture wounds…

So, it’s not a spoiler for me to tell you that Dr. Beecher has been transformed into a vampire.  And I know what you’re thinking.  Why doesn’t he just stop taking the pills?  The simplest answer is that the pills are addictive.  The more complex answer is that he doesn’t want to.  The pills have brought out his dark side and, now that it’s free, it’s not planning on going anywhere.

In a strange way, The Vampire reminded me of Nicholas Ray’s Bigger Than Life.  In Bigger Than Life, James Mason plays a gentle and good-hearted professor who, after taking steroids, turns into a monster who dreams of creating a master race.  Bigger Than Life was unsettling for the exact same reason that The Vampire is unsettling.  Both suggest that the pills didn’t turn their user into a monster.  Instead, the pills just allowed his true self to come out.

The Vampire was a low-budget film, a B-movie as many would probably call it.  The musical score is overly melodramatic and so are some of the actors.  But I would say that The Vampire is actually a bit of a subversive masterpiece.  This 1957 film suggests that behind the pristine facade of suburbia, there lurked monsters.  Even an outwardly successful and respected man like Dr. Beecher can turn into something totally different behind closed doors, this film is saying.  That’s a message that it as relevant today as it was when this film was first released.  In its own way, The Vampire is a brilliant and important movie.

6 Trailers For Halloween


Welcome the final October edition of Lisa Marie’s Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers!

I’ve enjoyed reviving this feature for October.  I’m not totally sure if I’ll continue it because, as I said way back at the start of the month, there are only so many trailers on YouTube and I don’t want to spend too much time repeating myself.  We’ll see!

These are trailers for 6 of my favorite horror films:

  1. Lisa and the Devil (1973)

From the great director, Mario Bava.  This film is like a cinematic dream.  Plus, the main character is named Lisa!

2. Suspiria (1977)

This trailer is creepy, though it really doesn’t do the film justice.  Check out my review here!

3. The Shining (1980)

This is one of the few films that scares me no matter how many times I watch it.

4. Near Dark (1987)

Vampires in Texas!  Hell yeah!

5. Two Orphan Vampires (1997)

From the brilliant Jean Rollin.

6. The Cabin In The Woods (2011)

I don’t care how many hipster douchebags disagree.  This movie is absolutely brilliant.

Happy Halloween!

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrorfic Adventures In The Internet Archive #28: Stephen King’s The Mist (1985, Angelsoft, Inc)


For my final horrific adventure of the month, I returned to the Internet Archive and I played Stephen King’s The Mist (1985, Angelsoft, Inc.)

The Mist is a text adventure based on Stephen King’s novella.  (The game came out before both the television series and Frank Darabont’s film version.)  You are at the supermarket, just trying to buy your groceries and get home, when suddenly a thick mist envelopes the entire town.  There are monsters in the mist and you soon discover that there are monsters in the store as well.  Can you survive the mist and make your way back to your home where, hopefully, your son is still alive and waiting for you to rescue him?

The Mist does a good job of turning King’s story into a work of interactive fiction.  Even if you have read the story or watched the movie, The Mist is still not an easy game.  This is a game where it is very easy to get killed and there’s one puzzle where, due to randomization, you can do everything right and still end up dying.  It is unfortunate that you cannot save games while playing them in the Internet Archive because The Mist is a game that can only be won through trial and error.

The best advice that I can give is don’t spend too much time in the supermarket, pick up everything that you can, and don’t shoot Mrs. Carmody, as much as you may want to.

Of course, you can just play the game with a walkthrough, like I did.

 

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Rob Zombie Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

This October, I am going to be using our 4 Shots From 4 Films feature to pay tribute to some of my favorite horror directors, in alphabetical order!  That’s right, we’re going from Argento to Zombie in one month!

Our final director: Rob Zombie.

4 Shots From 4 Films

The Devil’s Rejects (2005, dir by Rob Zombie)

Halloween (2007, dir by Rob Zombie)

The Lords of Salem (2013, dir by Rob Zombie)

31 (2016, dir by Rob Zombie)

Horror Film Review: Vampyr (dir by Carl Thedor Dryer)


A dream of dark and disturbing things….

Allan Gray (Nicolas de Gunzburg, performing under the name Julian West) might be a student of the occult or he might just be a man having a dream within a dream.  He’s handsome with just enough of an aristocratic bearing to be intriguing.  His face is strangely blank.  Whenever we see him, we wonder if he’s awake or if he’s asleep.  We’re reminded of Werner Herzog’s film Heart of Glass, in which the entire cast recited their lines while hypnotized.

Allan’s come to a small village in France.  It’s a quaint little place, probably the type that most tourist would consider to be quite beautiful.  But from the minute that we see it, the entire landscape seems to be off.  The inhabitants of the village seem almost as blank-faced as Allan.  When we see the trees sway in the wind, we’re reminded of  Victor Sjöström’s The Wind and how the nonstop wind drove Lillian Gish mad.

Allan stays in an inn.  He goes to sleep.  When he wakes up, an old man stands in his room.  The old man gives him a package.  The package is not to be opened until the man’s death.  Allan goes outside.  The village is full of shadows.  He watches an old woman and the town’s doctor.  Allan meets with one of the old man’s daughters and learns that her sister is deathly ill.  She needs a blood transfusion.  When Allan reads a book about vampyres, he suspects that both the town and the sisters are being held prisoner.  At times, the events feel almost random but the film has such a hypnotic power that we automatically know that nothing happens by mere chance.

Directed by Carl Theodor Dryer, Vampyr was filmed in 1931 and released in 1932.  This was Dreyer’s first sound film but Vampyr almost seems like a silent film.  It certainly has more in common with Dreyer’s hallucinogenic silent masterpiece, The Passion of Joan of Arc, than it does with Universal’s version of Dracula.  Vampyr feels like a cinematic dream, full of surrealistic images and odd performances.  As a collection of images, Vampyr is one of the most intensely atmospheric film that I’ve ever seen.  Allan, who may be having a dream within a dream, discovers a coffin and is shocked to discover who is inside.  A character is buried alive in flour.  Fogs rolls across the river and a figure with a scythe brings to mind Charon, the ferryman who took the dead to the underworld.  Shadows dance across the screen.  Much like Lucio Fulci’s Beyond trilogy, Vampyr succeeds by creating its own cinematic world, one where reality is solely defined by the images on the screen.  The plot of Vampyr might not always make sense in the real world but it’s perfectly logical in the world created by the film.

Vampyr’s a surreal classic, one that reportedly came close to being a lost film.  Several of the video releases have been technically inferior, though the flickering picture and inconsistent soundtrack of those releases can actually add to the film’s dreamlike power.  It’s been released by the Criterion Collection and that is the ideal version to watch.

 

Stranger Things 2, S2 E2, Trick or Treat, Freak; ALT Title: Halfway Happy


ST2

Happy Halloween!!! Stranger Things 2 is in full-swing, but with some new twists like  characters behaving stupidly out of character to move the plot forward.

The episode begins with El saying, “Goodbye Mike.” *sniff*  BUT, she didn’t die after killing the Demimooregorgan! Instead of dying, she went into the Upside Down, escaped, and became feral in the Indiana woods living off squirrels and mugging hunters for their coats.  Really.  So, Yay?

Present day, she’s living with Hop who protects her by raising her in isolation.  She wants to go Trick or Treating.  Hop refuses.  Instead he offers a compromise: he’ll get home early, they’ll eat candy, and watch a movie.  Hop calls this a compromise – Halfway Happy.  With the phrase Halfway Happy, Hop encapsulates the theme of his life, her life, and our experience as viewers: Halfway Happy.

Hop is halfway happy because he gets to be a dad again- Kinda.

El is halfway happy because she doesn’t have to live as a feral monster in the woods, but is isolated from any normal life.

Mike and the boys are halfway happy because they are safe – for now.

We are halfway happy because it’s season 2 and I’m reviewing again!

Here comes the stupid:

Joyce and Hop review Will’s spider beast drawing and are convinced that it’s all in head.  WHY?!  They’ve been to the upside down.  They’ve seen monsters! Why are they incredulous?!  WHY?!

We learn that Madmax’s brother is likely wanted and an asshole.  But, I gotta write- his mullet is EPIC! Points for that!

Hop investigates more rotting pumpkins and loses track of time and misses eating candy with El.  He doesn’t believe Will’s new big bad drawings, but show him some gooey trees and he’s all in baby! I wish there were more to that subplot, but there just wasn’t.

Young Judah Friedlander is really dumb this season.  Did he get a TBI?!  He doesn’t know what words mean like presumptuous and rescues an unidentified whatever (baby demimooregorgan from his trash).  WHY?! He is somewhat popular with Madmax- good on him for that.

We learn that El has honed her skills to go into the black room by using a blindfold and thinking really hard.  Good on her for that.

Will emotes with the same face again this episode as he is harassed and put into the upside down with a shadow monster.  Also, a disappointment because the last big bad was a tangible threat out to “Suck your blood”.

Nancy is going through some growth.  She’s feeling guilty about Barb.  I didn’t think that sociopaths could develop emotions.  But, here we are – Another character that is out of character.  She gets drunk, breaks up with Steve, and gets taken home by Creeper.  The parents never wake even a little, which is out of character for Cara Buono who was up in everyone’s business last season.

I’m starting to think that this season is a transition for the creators who never envisioned this story continuing.  The first season ended like a great Beowolf Epic.  El sacrifices herself and the hope of love for her quest.  Hop goes all into redeem himself as a fallen knight for redemption.  This season, in contrast, falls flat because it doesn’t know where to go.  The monster is dead and this new one lacks suspense because he’s not even corporeal.  The Duffer Brothers might be using this season as transition to figure out a new compelling narrative- at least to think so makes me Halfway Happy.

Happy Halloween!

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Horror on the Lens: Night of the Living Dead (dir by George Romero)


Happy Halloween everyone!

Well, as another horrorthon draws to a close, it’s time for another Shattered Lens tradition!  Every Halloween, we share one of the greatest and most iconic horror films ever made.  For your Halloween enjoyment, here is George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead!

(Be sure to read Arleigh’s equally iconic review!)

ENJOY!