The Hiatus is Over…. Yes, your Proto Millennial has returned to bring you all the incisiv…..Oh, you wanted to read about the next season of Stranger Things….Fine!
Stranger Things season 1 tapped into the essence of predatory thrills that exist in humankind deep within the recesses of our genes like when a lion roars at the zoo and modern people freeze in their tracks. What could have been a better way to terrify a modern audience? Nosferatu!!! Yes, read my previous reviews. I’m right and other reviewers are wrong.
This season The Duffer Brothers try to hook us with the same sophomore slump method that JJ Abrams employed with The Force Awakens- Let’s just throw in another lady and make the monster….bigger.
Stranger Things wasn’t horribly boring, but we’re in for solid C quality. Buckle up and prepare to be Mildly Entertained.
We open in Hawkins… NOPE…. Pittsburgh. Sorry, Pittsburgh sucks on it’s best day.
We see a group of punk teens robbing an…apartment building?! Fine. Cops give chase one of the more stolid thieves uses her Mojo to make a cop think a bridge collapsed. So her power is Being David Copperfield *bored clap*. She then gets bloody nose and we’re supposed to give a shit- we don’t. She also, has a tatto of 008 in her arm; I’ll call her Crazy Eight because Eight Ball is too cool for this opening.
We return to the suburbs. Mike and all the boys head to the arcade and lament that “Madmax” now has the Dig Dug highscore. This goes on for a while and we’re supposed to care that the Madmax is girl- We Don’t. We see that now Will’s back. During the High Score concern, Will goes outside and sees the Upside Down, but this time there’s a storm and a big spider beast coming to the town that inspires mild interest. Will’s performance is emblematic of the season itself- not bad, not great- just meh.
Bearded Crank is waiting for Hop at the police station. Bearded Crank re-caps about El sorta and is a paranormal investigator or some such shit. We learn later that he’s soaking Barb’s Parents to pay for him to search for their daughter. Hop gets a call to investigate rotten pumpkins and boy are they rotten. That’s about it.
Winona has found love again with a porky Sean Aston. He’s boring and cute- that covers it.
Mike has to get rid of two boxes of his toys because he’s been rebelling. Really?! What is he wearing a paisley sweater vest?! Hey Mike, a note from your very young Uncle. The toys should probably go. Also, try to date a girl who can’t disintegrate you when you cheat on her with her with the waaaaay hot Graduate School R.A. down the hall in college. Trust me.
We learn that Will has been seeing Paul Reiser a quasi-nice therapist at the Castl… I mean Evil Government Building. Will expositions that the upside down has a really big bad coming to kill everyone. *Shrugs* After he leaves, we return to the basement where they are pruning the upside down portal with a flame thrower- Better Government Facilities and Gardens.
The episode ends with Hop having dinner with El!!! Yay, El’s alive and Hop has a daughter again!
This episode wasn’t great, but I guess if you’re at the gym and have 47 minutes to kill… Watch “Longmire” – it’s really awesome! It’s got it all!
As always, Retweet! Repost! Tell Lisa Marie Bowman that I’m worth keeping around.