Channel Zero, “Want to see something cool?” Season 1, Episode 3; ALT Title: Like cool things, watch something else.


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There are some shows like Stranger Things, Lonesome Dove, or True Detective whose audacious vision is pushed ever forward by the rugged genius of its writing and directing staff, Channel Zero is NOT that show.

On its best day, Channel Zero is burgers and fries, but on its worst days, Channel Zero is like stale bread that has become horribly crunchy, difficult to digest, and every bite reveals unending torpor.  This particular episode is not terrible just for this series, but might be the the worst episode of television.  Because it is becoming ever more awful, it could get to be fun to watch like an Ed Wood film.  Since it has some mediocre episodes, it’s not Halloween Resurrection levels of crap overall, but it was awful.  There was a quasi-torture scene without suspense, a now hand sucking tooth-monster, and not much else.

Gary takes Mike to a house under renovation.  It turns out that Gary wanted it to be his dream house, but it didn’t work out for him.  Gary ties up Mike and questions him about the dead kids from yesteryear and Gary gets visitors: Tim and Brenda.  They want to beat Mike up to find out why Mike killed their friends and relatives – in the most slow moving way possible. Mike keeps saying that it’s the Candle Cove show…blah blah blah.  At one point, Tim pulls a gun and fails to create any suspense….at all, but Mike does gets shot in the arm …. off camera.

Jessica is talking to Mike’s Mom -MM.  She explains that she had an emotional affair with Mike and then he cut it off.  She figures out Mike is being held at their never to have dream house and heads over there with Deputy Amy and MM.  They stop Tim from killing Mike and Deputy Amy takes Gary’s gun, but doesn’t seem to arrest him.  Why do that? It could have raised the stakes, led to a struggle, or anything.  

Flashback- Eddie lures the Bully Kid to the crow’s nest and uses the Tooth Monster mojo to get the Bully Kid to jump off a cliff.

Tim goes into the woods and is killed and buried by random kids.  This happens almost entirely offscreen because this show wouldn’t want to interfere with a bathroom break. If you have the stomach flu, are a compulsive knitter, or need to take smoke breaks, this is the show for you.  

Brenda goes to the Evil Teacher who feeds the Tooth Monster.  Evil Teacher kills her with a hook for some reason and then hosts a cocoa drink party with the children who killed Tim.  Is this unnecessarily ambiguous, over the top, and dumb? You Betcha!!! 

Mike is back home.  His mother has a nightmare of the tooth monster sucking Mike’s fingers.  YEECH!  Then, his daughter, who lives 452 miles away, appears outside of MM’s house.  He asks, “How did you get here?” They cut to the Tooth Monster who I guess was going to say Kayak or Travelocity, but the episode ended so we will never learn how Mike’s daughter got there or if she got the lowest rate possible.

What can I tell you other than, I will stick with this show until its inevitable cancellation and is replaced with American Ninja Warrior Baking Championship or some such shit.

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