Film Review: Snake Eater III: His Law (1992, dir. George Erschbamer)

Snake Eater III: His Law

I don’t know what happened here. In Snake Eater we have a ridiculous movie where an ex-special forces cop named Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) fights rednecks. In Snake Eater II, Soldier fights a war against drugs from inside a mental hospital. Those movies both came out in 1989. This was released in 1992. From the first scene it’s night and day. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of similarities to the first two films, but it’s also so different, and better. Still bad, but better than the first two.

First off, it’s like those first two movies never happened. He doesn’t start out in the mental hospital he was left in at the end of the second film. However, just like those two movies, Soldier gets himself put on suspension from the force inside of a few minutes. In the first film, it was cheesy, sleazy, and corny, but okay. In the second film, it was a stupid rampage. But in this film, it’s a humorous little scene that I actually enjoyed that gets him suspended. A guy is trying to rob a diner when Soldier walks by and sees what’s happening. He goes in pretending like he wanted to rob the place, but that this guy had beat him to the punch. He warms up to the guy, then takes him down. In the process he scares the lady who works behind the counter and that’s what puts him on suspension.

I guess I would be scared too if a guy was doing this to me when another guy showed up and also pointed a gun at me.

I guess I would be scared too if a guy was doing this to me when another guy showed up and also pointed a gun at me.

Luckily, Soldier thrives on suspension. This time a family comes forward inquiring about his services. They want him to track down the bikers who kidnapped, raped, and generally traumatized their daughter so much that she walks over to the table where Soldier is sitting and starts pulling down her panties thinking that’s what she’s supposed to do. That’s some messed up stuff. That character is the big detraction for this movie. It’s just too much for what otherwise is more light hearted and humorous.

Soldier now seeks out a guy we will just refer to as Roy Rogers. He’s even listed as Cowboy on IMDb and if he had a name in the movie, I didn’t care, and still don’t. Roy is a private detective and Soldier wants to join forces with him to track down these bikers. Of course a humorous brawl ensues. Same thing happened in the first film in a bar, but this time it’s more enjoyable.

Roy Rogers (Minor Mustain)

Roy Rogers (Minor Mustain)

Soldier never hits a girl, but he'll gladly throw her out a window.

Soldier never hits a girl, but he’ll gladly throw her out a window.

Stay right there, please!

Stay right there, please!

The main connection to this gang is a man named Goose (Scott Bigelow). At this point, I have to point out that there are at least two scenes where guys just pee outside. Once in a parking lot and the other time Roy does it just outside a house. However, the movie gets a pass on the second peeing. That’s because Soldier electrifies Goose’s toilet so that it’s his final piss. Obviously, that toilet was out of commission.

This movie should be straightforward with Soldier working his way up the ladder till he takes down the bikers at their gang headquarters. That happens, but along the way that poor girl who drops trow for any guy keeps getting kidnapped. It happens at least twice and she is clearly raped and/or molested both times. It’s not only a little confusing, but too serious for this movie. At least this scene happens at the end so we know she finally got some backbone again.

In The End

In The End

She kills the bad guy to save Soldier

She kills the bad guy to save Soldier

We see her at the end with her family and she appears like she’s going to be okay. The family offers him money, but he takes tomatoes instead. Honestly, this is better than the first two, but the girl is enough to say don’t check this out. If you must watch any of the three Snake Eater movies, then stick with the first two because as bad as they are, you can get some fun out of them. This one will make you feel uncomfortable. Just like this guy.


Sock! Pow! Zok!: STARRING ADAM WEST (documentary, 2014)

adam3Holy high camp! STARRING ADAM WEST is a fun documentary about the quest to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for 60s TV star Adam BATMAN West. The film also serves as a biography of the cult actor, from his humble beginnings as a child in Walla Walla, Washington to his rise as TV’s biggest star of the mid-60s, and his fall after being typecast as the Caped Crusader reduced to performing in crappy car shows and carnivals. West later resurrected his career as an ironic icon in the 90s and still does voice work today, notably on the animated FAMILY GUY. Through all the ups and downs, the star has retained both his sense of humor and love of family. An entertaining look at a down to earth guy in the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world of show biz, STARRING ADAM WEST is playing all this month on Showtime.


Film Review: Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster/Snake Eater’s Revenge (1989, dir. George Erschbamer)

Snake Eater II

Snake Eater II

There are numerous editors on this site. Lisa Marie Bowman gets the sleazy Lifetime movies and fun SyFy monster movies. Jedadiah Leland picks and chooses interesting things to post about. pantsukudasai56 is an anime expert. Dazzling Erin gets to post pretty pictures.

I could write about fun sleazy movies like I Am Frigid… Why? (1972) with it’s tick tock clock erection scene. I could carefully pick and choose pieces to write about. I’m no anime expert, but I could do a six part series on the short-lived Ralph Bakshi adult cable animated show called Spicy City (1997). I certainly can post pretty pictures. I love to hike and take photographs. Here’s a couple of them.



But no. I write about movies like Tammy and the T-Rex or Snake Eater. Why all that lead up? It’s because this movie is so boring and barely anything happens. There is next to nothing to talk about, but let’s do what we can.

MacGyver Club

The movie begins in a club for kids that couldn’t get MacGyver as their role model so they have Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) instead. Some role model. Didn’t they hear about his rampage against the rednecks? Anyways, some girl falls to the ground, and wouldn’t you know it by the title, bad drugs have killed her. Obviously, Soldier isn’t happy about this and decides to do something about it.

Preparing For Battle

Of course, since it took going Rambo to stop rednecks, it’s gonna take C-4 and grenades to deal with some local drug dealers. Soldier does just that. He gets a knife in his back in the process. Right after that another guy shows up saying he was going to do the same thing, but is going to leave since it wouldn’t be right for him to take credit for Soldier’s work.

After that the movie gets really stupid. While on trial, Soldier is put in a mental hospital. He is soon taught by the locals who like to order Chinese food that he can come and go any time he wants. Of course, this first means he needs to do battle in a wheelchair.

Wheelchair Battle

I wish I was making this stuff up, but no. Now he is allowed to leave through the vents where he also happens to run into a horny girl and a pizza delivery man. The rest of the movie is break out of the hospital, attack the drug dealers, then go back to the hospital till the big guys are taken down.

Pizza? Buddies

That’s all they wrote folks. It ends with the comedic relief from the hospital looking through a door and then dancing in the hallway. Soldier is found innocent of his crimes by reason of insanity and confined to the hospital. I wonder if the next movie picks up there. Who knows? They resurrected The Hammer after Black Caesar (1973) for Hell Up In Harlem (1973) so anything is possible.



Dance Fools Dance!

Dance Fools Dance!

Let’s Talk About Zombie Shark


On Monday night, immediately following 3-Headed Shark Attack, SyFy premiered one more shark movie as a part of Shark Week.  That movie was entitled Zombie Shark and it was everything that you could possibly hope for.

Zombie Shark takes place on one of those depressing island resorts that always seem to pop up in films like this.  The sky is permanently overcast.  The sand is kind of gray.  There aren’t many people on the beach and the ones who are there are busy drinking beer and daring each other to swim in shark-infested waters.  This depressing beach is undoubtedly the result of the film’s low-budget.  But, whether intentional or not, the effect is to create a pervasive atmosphere of existential doom.  This film takes place in a dark world where the beach was an unhappy place even before the sharks and zombies showed up.

Four friends head out to that beach for what they hope will be a fun weekend.  Amber (Cassie Steele) and Sophie (Sloane Coe) are sisters.  Bridgitte (Becky Andrews) is their bikini-clad friend who, later in the film, gets to say, “I’m not going to die for those people!”  (For what it’s worth, I was in 100% agreement with Bridgitte.  If someone is stupid enough to get in the water during a shark attack, he deserves whatever happens to him.)  And then there’s Jenner (Ross Britz), who is Amber’s boyfriend.  When the four of them come across a dead shark on the beach, Jenner makes the mistake of getting too close.  Suddenly, the shark comes back to life and eats Jenner!  Unfortunately, Jenner had the keys to the boat in his pocket so now, the three survivors are stranded on the island.

It turns out, of course, that it’s all the fault of science.  Dr. Palmer (Laura Cayouette) created a zombiefication virus and infected one shark.  Now that zombie shark is infecting other sharks!  And those sharks are attacking people!  The people who aren’t digested are transformed into zombies!

Luckily, military badass Maxwell Cage (Jason London) is sent to the island.  Working with the rife-toting Amber and Sophie, Maxwell tries to find a way to curb the zombie outbreak.  Meanwhile, resort owner Lester (Roger J. Timber) tries to rally the few remaining uninfected humans to fight the zombies.

Soon, the water is full of sharks, the beach is full of zombies, and blood is everywhere.

I totally loved Zombie Shark.  To a certain extent, it reminded me of the classic Italian zombie film, The Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.  Like that film, Zombie Shark started out as your typical resort movie, complete with elements of broad comedy and hints of relationship drama.  And then suddenly, out of almost nowhere, it turned into a portrait of a grim and bloody zombie apocalypse.

The cast did a surprisingly good job, bringing as much credibility as they could to a film about a bunch of people being menaced by zombie sharks.  Jason London and Laura Cayouette (remember her as Leonardo DiCaprio’s odd sister in Django Unchained?) are both memorable as representatives of the establishment.  Cassie Steele and Sloane Coe were totally believable as sisters and brought so much commitment to their roles that the film’s ending was unexpectedly poignant.

(Cassie Steele, of course, might be best known for playing Manny Santos during the best seasons of Degrassi.)

With the exception of Sharknado 3 (which will be premiering tonight), Zombie Shark was the final original shark film to premiere as a part of SyFy shark week.

It was also one of the best.




Let’s Talk About 3-Headed Shark Attack!

One thing that I love about Asylum films is that, as opposed to big studio productions, they always deliver exactly what they promise.  As a part of the lead up to the third Sharknado film, 3-Headed Shark Attack premiered on the SyFY network on Monday night.  The title promised a three-headed shark and that is exactly what the film delivered.  The title also promised that the three-headed shark would attack and, again, that’s exactly what happened.  This giant 3-headed shark devoured a record number of fisherman, scientists, and college students.

3-Headed Shark Attack is also the story of three boats and the people on those boats.

One boat is a booze cruise that’s full of rich kids and their bikini-clad girlfriends.  You really only have to take one look at these people to know that almost all of them are doomed.  However, they certainly are not helping matters by tossing all of their empty beer cans into the ocean.  Little do they know that there’s a giant shark with three heads following the trail of cans.

On another, much smaller boat, there are the survivors of the 3-headed shark’s previous attack on the Persephone research lab.  They are scientists, environmentalists, and a few student interns.  They may have been dedicated to protecting the environment but the three-headed shark could hardly care less.  While thsee people seem to be a little bit more competent than the drunks on the booze cruise, it’s still hard not to feel that they are all equally doomed.

And finally, there’s one final boat.  The people on this fishing boat have guns, which in theory should be helpful against a three-headed shark.  Even more importantly, Danny Trejo is on this boat!  If anyone can defeat a three-headed shark, it’s Danny Trejo, right!?  SyFy advertised 3-Headed Shark Attack as “starring Danny Trejo” but, to be honest, Danny’s role is pretty much a cameo.  But that’s okay.  Danny Trejo is always fun, regardless of how much screen time he has.  Plus, the film smartly uses Danny’s badass persona to keep the audience off-balance.

3-Headed Shark Attack was director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed the much different but equally entertaining Mega Shark vs. Kolossus) and it’s also a sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack.  3 Headed Shark Attack is a surprisingly somber film, one in which likable characters are just as likely to killed as unlikable ones and where the ocean frequently turns red with innocent blood.  For those who, as a result of the Sharknado films, have gotten it into their heads that all Asylum films are actually comedies, 3-Headed Shark Attack will prove otherwise.

3-Headed Shark Attack is an entertaining work of underwater mayhem.  If, like all good people, you love the Asylum style of filmmaking, you’ll find a lot to enjoy about 3-Headed Shark Attack.  This is a film that delivers exactly what it promises.

Here’s hoping that 4-Headed Shark Attack is close behind!


Quick Peek: The 2nd Spectre Trailer (and Featurette)

images-2Sometime around 8am in London, the 2nd trailer for Sam Mendes “Spectre” was released. The 24th film in the Bond Franchise, this one is a little similar to the Skyfall trailer in that Bond (Daniel Craig) is perhaps on the run again or is at least trying to cover his tracks. So far, it’s looking good.

Here are some of the things I’ve noticed:

1.) It’s a Snow Movie – With the exception of The World is Not Enough, most of the Bond films that take place in cold climates seem to fair better than the desert ones. As long as none of the girls aren’t named after a Holiday, this might work. Of course, that’s just my opinion there, others may of course disagree.

2.) Bond and M (Ralph Fiennes) already have issues – From the start Bond and M are at odds. That was quick. Nice to get it all out of the way.

3.) The Return of Mr. White. – One of the men responsible for the death of Vesper Lynd and member of Quantum (whatever that was), Mr. White (Jesper Christiansen) makes another appearance here. Maybe he has something important to share?

4.) Use of the theme from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – that was great to hear. Hope it’s incorporated into the film somehow. I believe that Thomas Newman (Mendes’ long time musical companion) is on board here, so maybe it’ll be used?

5.) Dave Bautista as an evil henchman. Not sure what Mr. Hinx will be doing, but there seems to be a close quarters fight in a train, reminiscent of From Russia With Love.

6.) That sweet, curvy and shiny Aston Martin DB10. Just look at it. In this movie, it goes head to head with a Jaguar CX75. As just about everyone knows, Jaguar is the Official Vehicle of Villains everywhere. Should be interesting to see how that turns out.

7.) Q finally gets a Q Branch worthy of the title. It looks like there a few things he’s working on in the background on some of the shots. One of which appears to be a flamethrower maybe, for the new car.

Enjoy! Spectre is set to release on November 5th (which as a side note of no particular importance nor relation, was the day Marty McFly arrived in Hill Valley, back in 1955). Additionally, here’s a featurette on the cars in the film.