What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Betrayed at 17 (dir. by Doug Campbell)

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s been too long since I did a What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night post so allow me to correct that by telling you about what I watched last night. Last night, I turned on the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched a future classic — Doug Campbell’s Betrayed at 17.

Why was I watching It?

I was watching it for two reasons. First off, I’m an unapologetic admirer of director Doug Campbell’s previous film, Accused at 17. I’m hoping that Campbell will go the trilogy route and give us a Convicted at 17 at some point in the near future. Secondly, this film was on the Lifetime Movie Network and I love LMN.

What Was It About?

Okay, there was a lot of plot to deal with here. The film starts out with scummy high school football player Greg (Andy Fischer-Price) seducing insecure virgin Lexi (Amanda Bauer) and secret recording the encounter on his laptop because, apparently, that’s the type of terrible things that 17 year-old boys do. Anyway, Greg’s got an ex-girlfriend named Carleigh (Katie Gill) and we know that Carleigh has some issues because she’s blonde, rich, drives a convertible, and says stuff to Lexi like: “I nearly ran your fat ass over.” Well, Carleigh finds out about the sex tape and gets so upset that she uploads the video to YouTube and soon, the whole school is watching it and Lexi gets so upset that she runs out into the middle of the street and gets run over by a truck.

So far, we’ve got the makings of a typical anti-bullying polemic and the film seems to be going down that route as Lexi’s mom (Alexandra Paul) demands justice for her daughter. However, then the film takes a sudden turn and just goes freaking crazy! See, Greg is feeling guilty about his part in Lexi’s death so Carleigh shows up with a gun and kills him! Then she steals Greg’s wallet and uses it to frame Lexi’s drug addict older brother (Shane Ross). So, Lexi’s mom and Greg’s mom (Paula Trickey) team up to try to take Carleigh down.

By the way, did I mention that Carleigh’s Dad is apparently in the Mafia? Well, I’m not sure if he actually is but he certainly acts like he is…

Seriously, this is a deceptively simple movie that’s really quite odd and compulsively watchable in the best Lifetime tradition.

What Worked?

In many ways, this film epitomized everything that I love about a good Lifetime film. It took a serious issue (bullying, in this case) and then explored it in the most melodramatic, over-the-top, tawdry, and silly way possible.

Just the title itself — Betrayed at 17 — is genius. Seriously, when you’re 17, everything is such a drama! Or at least it was for me. And I can remember that everything — and I do mean everything — was framed through the lenses of nonstop, over-the-top melodrama. Whether it was some other girl talking to “my man” or my best friend failing to answer her phone or any of the countless arguments that I had with my mom over things that seem so amazingly unimportant now, it was always all about being and feeling betrayed.

Finally, while this film is full of histrionic dialogue, there’s one scene that manages to perfectly capture the excruciating awkwardness of being in love when you’re in your teens. Greg, while admiring Lexi’s legs, asks her about a scar. “I cut myself shaving,” Lexi replies. Now, believe it or not, I had almost the exact same conversation when I was 17 and this film got it right.

What Didn’t Work?

Well, originally this looked like it was going to be yet another mawkish, if well-intentioned anti-bullying polemic but once people started drawing guns on each other and desperately trying to take out security cameras, it all worked. This was two hours of pure, silly Lifetime goodness.

“OMG! Just like me!” Moment:

Oh my God, a few! Listen, what 17 year-old girl didn’t get filmed having sex with a jock or accidentally end up shooting her ex-boyfriend? Seriously, that’s just a part of growing up.

Lessons Learned:

1) Guns are dangerous. So are videos of your ex having sex with some other girl. Put them together and inevitably, someone’s going to end up dead.

2) Fortunately, it’s apparently very easy and simple to frame someone for murder. So, if you haven’t done it yet, hurry up before things get complicated.

What Horror Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Alphabet Killer (dir. by Rob Schmidt)

Posted on October 23, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the “Lifetime world premiere” of the 2008 horror film, The Alphabet Killer.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because I was, okay? Don’t judge me!

Actually, I was watching for 2 reasons:

1) Being the kinda morbid girly girl that I am, my love of a good Lifetime movie is almost equalled by my love for reading about unsolved murders. A little while ago, I was going through my copy of Michael Newton’s Encyclopedia of Unsolved Crimes and I happened to come across the Alphabet Murders. In the early 70s, three young girls were murdered in New York. Each of the girls’ first and last names started with the same letter and each body was found in a town that started with the same letter as the girls’ name. Now, this kinda freaked me out because, if I ever decided to use my mom’s maiden name, then my name would be (Lisa) Marie Marchi. That, of course, would make me a potential victim — especially when you consider that the town of McKinney, Texas is within driving distance. I mean, seriously. File that under things that make you go “Agck!”

2) When I first saw the commercials for the Alphabet Killer (which was advertised as being a “Lifetime world premiere!” even though the film wasn’t originally made for the Lifetime network), I immediately assumed that it had to be one of those terrible Ulli Lommel true crime films. And I was all like, “Really? Ulli Lommel is now a member of the Lifetime family? This, I have to see!” Well, turns out that he’s not and, quite frankly, thank goodness for that. This Alphabet Killer was directed by the director of Wrong Turn, Rob Schmidt.

What’s It About

There’s a serial killer on the loose and fortunately, Detective Eliza Dushku is on the case. Less fortunately, Detective Dushku is already dealing with adult onset schizophrenia…

What Worked

The idea of a schizophrenic detective trying to catch a serial killer is a pretty clever one and director Rob Schmidt did a fairly good job making the audience wonder how much of what we’re watching is a real and how much is just the product of the detective’s psychosis. Eliza Dushku, who kicks ass in general because she was Faith the Vampire Slayer, gives an excellent performance. I had a hard time, at first, believing she was a cop but I did believe her as a schizophrenic and yes, that is meant as a compliment.

As well, the entire cast did a pretty good job, particularly Cary Elwes and Timothy Hutton. Both of them brought some interesting layers of complexity to thinly written characters.

The scenes where the dead would literally confront Eliza Dushku were well done, even though I’ve seen the same scene in countless other horror films.

While I was watching the Alphabet Killer, I had the house to myself because my sister Erin had gone into Arlington for the Rangers game. When I was about halfway through the film (I was watching it off of my DVR), Dallas got hit with the storm of the century. Seriously. It started raining around one in the morning and at 1:10, the power went off. The TV (and the movie) flicked off with a sharp THRACK and the entire house was plunged into darkness. My bedroom was suddenly pitch black and I found myself feeling very vulnerable lying in bed in only my beloved Pirates t-shirt and panties. All I could hear was the sound of rain and hail pounding against the house while somewhere in the distance, sirens wailed. After the first flash of lightning briefly illuminated my shadowy bedroom, I started to count. I had barely started to form the word, “Two…” when a deafening explosion of thunder caused not only the house to shake but me to have to catch my breath. Suddenly, I heard a wailing meow and another flash of lightning briefly revealed my cat Doc sitting in my doorway. Stumbling through the darkness, I managed to get Doc and carry him back to my bed with me. I sat there with him, fully knowing that even though I was trying to protect him, he probably thought he was protecting me. (Or, more likely seeing as how he’s a cat, claiming me as his territory.) Suddenly, a terrible thought entered my mind: “Did I remember to lock the front door? Or the back door?” Was I hearing the wind and rain pounding against my house or was I hearing the Alphabet Killer stumbling around downstairs? Finally, after half an hour of this, the lights finally came back on and I could breathe again. I slowly made my way downstairs (Doc, of course, stayed up in my room and went to sleep) and discovered that I had indeed locked all the doors before the storm. So yay me!

Now that I was fully freaked out, I went ahead and watched the rest of the Alphabet Killer. I’m not sure if it was the movie that kept my uneasy or if it was the storm. All I know is that it worked. (The rain, by the way, mysteriously ended as soon as the movie did.)

What Didn’t Work

This is another one of those films where the idea behind it is actually more clever than the way that the idea is actually executed. Once you get passed the idea that Dushku is schizophrenic, you realize that the film itself is actually pretty predictable. If you can identify the killer from the minute he first appears on screen, then you might not be that smart. Just saying.

Needless to say, The Alphabet Killer has next to nothing to do with the actual case. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal because that’s the grindhouse way, right? But in this case, the truth is so interesting that it’s a shame that it was pretty much just shoved over to the side. If there isn’t one already, somebody needs to do one of those hour-long, basic cable documentaries about the Alphabet murders. And Bill Kurtis needs to host it.

“OMG! Just Like Me!” Moments

Honestly, if I was tracking a serial killer, I’d probably do it in much the same way as Eliza Dushku does in this film. By that, I mean I’d probably be way too obsessive for my own good and I’d eventually end up strapped to a table somewhere. Seriously, I just don’t think I’m meant to hunt serial killers.

Lessons Learned

It’s good to be a Bowman and sometimes, storms can actually be scary.

What Horror Lisa Watched Last Night: The Curse of Degrassi

Posted on October 8, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the classic Degrassi 2008 Halloween special, The Curse of Degrassi.

Why Was I Watching It?

Last night, I was suffering from conflicting emotions. I was depressed and angry over the fact that I’m probably going to have to go spend a few thousand dollars on a new laptop. However, I was also all happy and hyper because, after spending a week far away in Houston, Jeff’s back! So, I was like “Yay!” and “Boo hoo hoo” all at the same time and Jeff finally suggested that maybe it would help me get my mind off the boo hoo part if I watched something silly and stupid. And, as usual, he was right! Though, in its defense, Degrassi may often times be kinda silly but it’s rarely stupid. Except when it is. Anyway, The Curse of Degrassi is available for free viewing off of Uverse OnDemand, which is how I watched it last night.

What’s It About?

Okay, so like many years ago, there was this very special, two-part episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation in which bullied, picked-on Rick Murray (played by an excellent actor named Ephraim Ellis, and by the way, that’s Jeff’s last name too but they’re not related and believe me, I asked) was competing in some sort of high school quiz-like game show and he ended up getting a bunch of yellow paint and chicken feathers poured on him by school bully Spinner (Shane Kippel). So, naturally, Rick went home, got a gun, and came back up to school and started shooting people until he himself eventually ended up getting shot and killed.

Now, four years to the day after Rick’s death, a group of Degrassi students are all up at the school at night, getting things ready for the upcoming Harvest dance. Group ringleader Holly J. Sinclair ends up getting possessed by Rick’s vengeful spirit and proceeds to kill off the entire cast. And no, this is not a dream or one of those non-canon fantasy episodes. Which is cool because, quite frankly, Holly J. annoys me…

What Worked?

To be honest, the entire 22 minute episode worked. For a Canadian teen show, this was actually pretty scary and had some fairly effective (in their own fun way) special effects. Plus, as much as I complain about the character she plays., actress Charlotte Arnold does a pretty good job playing psychotic, possessed Holly J. Plus, even among all the mayhem and death, the episode gets across a well-meant and sincere anti-bullying message and if you don’t get a little bit emotional when Rick says, “I’m dead, aren’t I?,” then you have no soul. That’s right — you’re a freaking zombie.

(Though, at the same time, Rick Murray was kind of a disturbed guy who, let’s not forget, first appeared on the show as an obsessive, abusive stalker who put Terri in a coma when he pushed her down and she hit her head on a rock. It was his abusive behavior that led to Rick becoming a pariah though Spinner, ultimately, took things too far. By the way, I always loved how Degrassi students all had names like Spinner.)

Plus, you get to see all the Degrassi kids die.

What Didn’t Work?

Seriously, it all worked. In fact, I’m just going to say that this is the greatest thing ever to come out of Canada. Okay, maybe not. But still, I enjoyed it.

“OMG! Just like me!” moments

I always have a lot of “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments whenever I watch any TV show or movie that features silly people falling victim to some unseen supernatural force. Usually, they’re along the lines of, “WHAT!? There’s a killer stalking the school and you’re going to stop to make out with your boyfriend in some dark, isolated room that only has one exit!? OH MY GOD! JUST LIKE ME!” Anyway, I had quite a few of those while watching The Curse of Degrassi. Though my biggest “Oh my God! Just like me!” moment came when Holly J. screamed, “I’M HOLLY J. FREAKIN SINCLAIR!” as that’s the way I usually chose to introduce myself as well.

Lessons Learned:

The world can do without the Harvest Dance. That, and be nice because otherwise, you might get possessed by Rick Murray.

Until next time, this is Lisa Marie Freakin Bowman saying, “Stay supple!”

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Terra Nova Episode 1.1 — “Genesis”

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I actually put off watching Dancing With The Kinda Stars so that I could catch the first episode of Fox’s much-hyped sci-fi series, Terra Nova. This show was produced by Mr. Mainstream himself, Steven Spielberg.

Why Was I Watching It?

I was beaten into submission by the nonstop commercials. Now, I have to admit that the commercials seemed to represent everything that I traditionally dislike in my entertainment: political subtext, “inspiring” speeches, and Stephen Lang. However, it also had dinosaurs and seriously, who doesn’t love dinosaurs?

What’s It About?

Okay, we’re several years into the future and the Earth looks a lot like Blade Runner. Why? It turns out that Al Gore was right and ManBearPig has basically messed up the entire planet. However, there is hope! There’s some sort of tear in the whole space-time continuum and stepping through it allows a few lucky citizens to go back to the Island from Lost. However, since this is the FAR future, nobody remembers Lost so they think they’ve actually gone back to the prehistoric past. In the prehistoric past, time travellers are living in a small community that is overseen by a vaguely menacing guy who we suspect might secretly be evil because he’s named Nathaniel and he’s played by Stephen Lang.

Anyway, there’s this family that has issues in the future and since Jeremy Kyle is long dead (we can only hope), they can’t go on TV to work it out. So, they go through the time portal. The father — who is a fugitive from future law — quickly becomes a part of Nathaniel’s security force. Meanwhile, the teenage children get all rebellious and there’s these guerillas who live outside the compound and they’re led by a woman who might as well have been played by Michelle Rodriguez but wasn’t.

Oh! And there are dinosaurs! Yay!

What Worked?

The show is filmed in Australia and, as a result, it’s really pretty to look at.

I make fun of Stephen Lang a lot because I honestly believe that he gave one of the worst performances in cinematic history in Avatar. (Fortunately, he was acting opposite Sam Worthington, who can make anyone look like an Olivier by comparison.) But, I have to admit, Lang is well-cast here and comes the closest to anyone in this episode to actually being memorable.

The dinosaurs are impressive and fun to watch. Unfortunately, the fake dinosaurs often displayed more personality than the living actors but still, who doesn’t love dinosaurs? Hopefully, in a future episode, the annoying and way too English talk show host Jeremy Kyle will come through the portal and get devoured (in slow-motion) by one of the dinosaurs. I may start a letter-writing campaign.

What Doesn’t Work?

A lot.

My biggest complaint with the show was that this episode really put the sloth into the giant sloth. Seriously. Lost took its time as well but the show itself was never boring. Terra Nova, at least in this episode, seems to feel that elaborate special effects are a proper substitute for interesting characters, witty dialogue, and anything else that might organically create narrative momentum. I actually ended up falling asleep during the final 30 minutes of the show and had to watch the finale off of the DVR.

The dinosaurs were impressive but the rest of the show’s special effects were rather predictable and a little on the bleh side. The time portal looked like every other time portal in the history of science fiction and the dystopian future looked a lot like Blade Runner but without any of the small details to make it feel like anything other than CGI.

I am officially bored with shows that use global warming as a plot point. Seriously, they’re always so smug about it.

This show is being compared, by many people, to Lost. Like Lost, the scenery is beautiful and the plot has the potential for a lot of secrets and mysteries to be uncovered. However, Lost also had a lot of quirky, interesting characters and that’s something that Terra Nova, on the basis of this episode, is lacking. The first episode of Terra Nova felt a lot like Lost if Lost had only focused on Jack Shepherd and Michael Dawson. Terra Nova needs its own Sawyers, Hurleys, and John Lockes.

Now, I want to make clear — my comments here are strictly based on seeing Genesis and a lot of my criticisms could be due to the fact that it’s just the first episode. Hopefully, as a series, Terra Nova will — much like Lost and Fringe and other comparable shows — evolve beyond the strengths and flaws of the first episode.

“OMG! Just like me!” Moments

Much like Nathaniel’s rebellious daughter, I would also go a little stir crazy if I was stuck in that highly regimented, socialistic commune. Seriously, the commune looked like a really bleh place to live.

Lessons Learned

Dinosaurs are neat and global warming is tedious.

What Lisa Watched Tonight: The Killing Jar (directed by Mark Young)

Posted on September 3, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, I happened to catch, on Chiller, the 2011 film The Killing Jar.

Why Was I Watching It?

I was hoping that, at some point, the classic Siouxsie and the Banshees song would show up on the soundtrack. It didn’t.

What’s It About?

I’m trying to work up the strength necessary to go into it all but basically, there’s this diner down south and one night, right around closing time, a news story comes over the radio about a brutal murder that was committed at a nearby farm. There’s only a few people left in the diner — a depressed waitress (Tara from Buffy, a.k.a. Amber Benson), a tough trucker (Kevin Gage), a wimpy deputy (Lew Temple), a mysterious stranger (Harold Perrineau), two teenagers who don’t matter, and the Danny Trejo-look alike who apparently owns the place (Danny Trejo). Anyway, all these people are so upset to hear about the murders that they blame them on the first surly stranger who happens to step into the diner. Unfortunately, that stranger is played by Michael Madsen and he responds by shooting up the place (Danny Trejo’s head explodes in close-up) and holding the survivors hostage. Things get a little bit more complicated when Mr. Greene (Jake Busey) shows up and reveals that someone at the diner happens to be a contract killer known as Mr. Smith. Guess what? It’s not Michael Madsen.

After typing all that, I feel I have a responsibility to add that this all sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is.

What Works

Well, the big “twist” is kinda obvious and you probably figured out just from reading the previous paragraph. However, it’s still kinda fun, kinda being the word to remember. Benson and Gage both give pretty good performances and Busey seems to be having a lot of fun. Madsen, to be honest, seems to be on the verge of falling asleep in a few scenes but still, he can say more with an annoyed eye squint than most actors can with a 10-page monologue. However, the film really belongs to the always underappreciated Harold Perrineau and his combative, confrontational scene with Madsen is one of the few instances when the film really comes to life.

Danny Trejo’s head explodes with style.

What Doesn’t Work

Oh. My. God. Where to begin?

I can count the number of succesful “hostage” films on one hand and let’s just say that The Killing Jar is no Dog Day Afternoon. Taking place entirely in one location and with a small cast mouthing melodramatic dialogue, The Killing Jar unfolds like one of those really bad plays that an ex-boyfriend of mine used to write in high school. They always ended with everyone dead and always seemed to feature at least one evil redhead who ended up crying over the dead body of her ex-boyfriend.

Director Young does not help matters by confusing tension with meaningless pauses. There’s a lot of scenes of people glaring at each other but since nobody really comes across like a human being, the glares don’t mean anything.

HOWEVER, what really didn’t work about this film was the fact that the first 20 minutes of the film was taken up with Amber Benson asking people if they wanted a slice of “Pecan Pie,” that she claimed was “the best this side of the Mason-Dixon.” The problem here is that the film was clearly meant to be set in my part of the world. And in my part of the world, we pronounce it “PEH-cahn.” However, Benson repeatedly pronounced it “PEE-can.” Seriously, this annoyed me more than words can express. Listen up all you aspiring filmmakers — if you’re going to insist on setting your crappy films in my part of the world, at least try to get the pronunciation right. Speaking for myself, I don’t have the slightest idea what a PEE-can is supposed to be but it sounds kinda nasty. I’ll take a PEH-cahn over a PEE-can any day.

PEH-cahn Pie. Good Lord, people, it’s not that difficult.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moments:

None.

Lessons Learned:

I have no desire to ever eat another pecan pie.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Fan (dir. by Edward Bianchi)

Posted on August 27, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the 1981 slasher-musical hybrid, The Fan.

Why Was I Watching it?

I had read about The Fan on a few slasher-related film sites and, despite the fact that the reviews were always universally negative, the former aspiring prima ballerina was intrigued by the idea of a slasher movie where the mayhem was occasionally put on hold for a dance number. When I saw it listed as being on AMC last night, I set the DVR to record it. Later, around 4 in the morning, I was battling insomnia and I didn’t really feel like watching infomercials or hurricane coverage. So, I watched The Fan.

What Was It About?

Lauren Bacall is Sally Ross, an aging actress who smokes and smokes and smokes. A very young and handsome Michael Biehn is Douglas, The Fan. He’s obsessed with Sally and writes her hundreds of adoring letters. “Believe me, I have the equipment to make you very, very happy,” the 20ish Douglas tells the 60ish Sally. Sally’s secretary (Maureen Stapleton) writes back to Douglas and tells him that it’s illegal to “send pornography through the mail.” Douglas responds by doing the whole slashing-up-the-world-with-a-straight-razor thing. Meanwhile, Sally is in rehearsals for her Broadway musical debut and wow, it’s the worst musical since Nine. Will Douglas be stopped? Will Sally getting a standing ovation? And how many cigarettes will be left by the end of the movie?

What Worked?

Michael Biehn is actually fairly good as the killer and the opening credits — where the musical score is nicely integrated with the sound of Biehn typing and reading his obsessive prose — are nicely done. And technically, the film looks good. The cinematography is credited to someone named Dick Bush and that’s all I’ll say about that.

But, let’s be honest, I wasn’t watching this film for quality. I was watching for the Broadway dance sequences. Films are always at their campiest when they try to portray a “Broadway” hit and that’s especially true if the film was made in 1981 (like this one). And, on this, The Fan did not disappoint. Seriously, the “show-within-the-show” here appears to be one of the greatest debacles in the history of imaginary Broadway. Lauren Bacall rasps out her songs while chain-smoking while the chorus line spins across the stage in a blur of sequins and glitter. On top of that, the show is named Never Say Never which has to be one of the most boring titles ever, as far as imaginary Broadway is concerned. Yet, when it’s all over, the audience gives Never Say Never a standing ovation. It’s a hit! There’s no accounting for taste as far as fake Broadway is concerned.

Here’s a show-stopper from Never Say Never, starring Sally Ross:

Plus, about 40 minutes into the film, Bacall and Stapleton have themselves a good, old-fashioned bitch-off which just has to be seen. There’s nothing like watching two divas compete to see who can devour the most scenery.

What Does Not Work:

Well, to be honest, the entire film doesn’t work. The pacing is terrible, the scenes with Biehn kills his victims somehow manage to be both bloodless and overly sadistic at the same time, and Bacall seems to be not only ticked off at having to appear in the film but angry with you for watching it as well. Add to that, there’s a bizarre homophobic subtext to this film that, while typical of a film released in the 80s, still seems odd for a movie that’s so obsessed with Broadway show tunes.

“OMG! JUST LIKE ME!” Moments:

I related to the dancers who show up on-screen whenever Sally is in rehearsals for her show. Being trapped on the chorus line of a terrible show? Been there, done that. It’s actually a lot of fun because you’re freed from having to worry about how terrible the show is. Instead of rehearsals being a death march, they’re an exuberant, doom-themed Mardi Gras.

Lessons Learned:

Don’t allow anyone else to answer your fan mail.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Cyberbully (directed by Charles Biname)

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s been a while since I posted a What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night, which is unfortunate because these are some of my favorite posts to write. If nothing else, they give me an excuse to use this site to extol the virtues of a good Lifetime movie. Well, last night, I watched a made-for-TV movie that belonged on Lifetime, despite the fact that it actually premiered on ABC Family. The name of this film is Cyberbully and it doesn’t have much in common with Larry Clark’s Bully.

Why Was I Watching It?

After you see the same commercial about fifty times, you really don’t have much choice but to watch. That’s why commercials work. However, I am happy to say that I did stand up to the forces of relentless advertising by DVRing the movie and watching it on my own time. So there.

What Was It About?

So, there’s this teenage girl (played by Emily Osment) who gets a laptop for her birthday and her mother (Kelly Rowan) foolishly allows Osment to spend hours surfing the web unsupervised. So, Osment joins this social site called Clickster which is supposed to be like Facebook but, from what they showed onscreen, really looked a lot more like MySpace. And I mean the MySpace of today and not the cool MySpace that we all used to brag about being on.

Anyway, somebody hacks Osment’s Clickster Account which leads to Osment getting a reputation for being a slut and soon all the rich girls in high school are giving her a hard time and then somebody sets up a fake account as some boy from another school and eventually, Osment tries to commit suicide and her mom ends up blaming it all on a lack of governmental regulation.

What Worked?

It’s difficult to really criticize this film, despite the fact that — like a lot of films about cyberbullying — it was obviously made by people who don’t really understand how the Internet works or how teenagers view the world. The people who made the film obviously had their hearts in the right place and the film’s ultimate message was a pure and sincere one. It was obvious that a lot of the film’s plot was inspired by the true life of case of Megan Meier, a 13 year-old girl who committed suicide after being cyberbullied in much the same way as the character played by Emily Osment in this film. The case of Meier was so tragic that I can still not write about it without getting tears in my eyes.

The film was actually pretty well-acted, especially by Osment and Kay Panabaker, who plays Osment’s best friend.

Most importantly, the film didn’t allow its good intentions to keep it from going totally and completely over the top in a few key moments. Perhaps the moment that most made me forget about the film’s good intentions and just enjoy it on a camp level was when Osment, struggling to open up a child-proof bottle of pills, screams, “I CAN’T GET THE TOP OFF!”

What Didn’t Work?

Okay, maybe this wasn’t a big moment but it’s something I noticed and it really gnawed at me. When Osment first finds herself being bullied, she responds by calling one of the bullies a “bitch” online and then her mom finds out and goes, “No, you cannot be mean just because other people are being mean,” and as the film goes on, it becomes apparent that we’re meant to agree with her. But seriously, some day, I’m going to have a daughter and if she ever gets in trouble for calling a bully ” a bitch,” you better believe I’m going to stand behind my daughter 100%. Actually, I’ll probably call the bully a bitch first.

When I saw that scene, I immediately flashed back to what my mom once told me when I came home from school crying because of some mean girls. She sat me down, explained to me the importance of keeping my thumb on the outside whenever I made a fist, and then said, “Lisa Marie, if those putas de mierda try to make you cry, you break their nose.”

Now, I have to be honest — despite the fact that I now knew how to make a fist, I still had no idea how to use that fist to break someone’s nose. I doubt I have the upper body strength to pull that off anyway. But, regardless of whether it was good advice, it was what I needed to hear at that time because, at the very least, it let me know that I had someone in my corner and, even more importantly, it assured me that I was the victim and not to blame.

Anyway, back to Cyberbully, the main problem with this film is that after one hour or so, the movie’s storyline becomes far too much of a PSA for its own good. Unfortunately, the PSA isn’t for bullies to reconsider their actions or for the victims of bullies to know that “it gets better.” Instead, the PSA tries to convince us that we can wipe out bullying by passing legislation, getting the government involved, and doing the whole activist thing, as if 1) bullying is an activity that can be regulated as opposed to just a really ugly expression of human nature and 2) we can actually trust the government to make life better for anyone.

This is one of those films where, at the end of the film, the entire school stands up to the bully and basically bullies her into being a nicer person. Honestly, it seems like it would be a lot more helpful for all these anti-bullying films to just say that being a teenager sucks, it’s going to suck for a long time, but if you get through it, you’ll have the pleasure of seeing everyone who bullied you get fat and miserable. Instead, we get these false visions of humanity in which the entire world will have your back just because you’re in the right. That’s all very uplifting but what are you going to do once you realize that the world, for the most part, doesn’t even know you exist?

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Well, the entire film was about silly girls acting over dramatic so there were … ahem … there were a few just like me moments. Well, more than a few.

Perhaps the biggest just like me moment was due to the fact that I had my e-mail, Facebook and MySpace accounts hacked by an ex-boyfriend once and he changed all of my statuses to something slutty (well, more slutty and definitely lacking my trademark sense of postmodern humor) and sent out a mass e-mail under my name that read, “I want to fuck you madly.” (If nothing else, that made me the most popular girl in the Art History study group for a week or two.) Anyway, I ended up deleting every account I had, getting a restraining order on the guy, and spending the next two years being very paranoid and untrusting. So, in other words, don’t be a cyberbully because it seriously fucks people up.

Lessons Learned:

Be kind and remember that there’s a human being reacting to everything you say. Also, some pill bottles are more difficult to open than others. But mostly the be kind part.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Degrassi: The Next Generation (ep. 0611, Rock This Town)

Posted on June 25, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So last night, as I fought insomnia and planned my upcoming road trip, I happened to watch an infamous episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation, Rock This Town. This was the 11th episode of the 6th season and it’s probably inspired more YouTube music videos than any other episode of the show.

Why Was I Watching It?

Okay, so I’ll just be honest here. Degrassi: The Next Generation has been one of my guilty pleasures ever since it first started airing here in the states. And when I say guilty, that’s not necessarily a slam on the show. As far as shows about teenagers dealing with every social issue under the sun are concerned, none can come close to Degrassi. When I was younger, the pleasure of this show came from the fact that the characters were actually doing the same stupid stuff that I was doing in school. Then, in college, Degrassi was the show that you’d get high and then watch. And now that I’m technically an adult, this show just makes me nostalgic. Either way, it serves a good purpose. Or at least it did. I hear that the more recent episodes kinda sorta suck but I only catch the reruns anyway.

What Was It About?

In this episode, Emma’s parents went out of town so every high school student in Canada showed up at her house to party. She had been planning on having sex with her boyfriend Sean that night but unfortunately, she ended up getting so drunk that she instead ended up spending the whole night vomiting in a trash can. (Been there, done that — no, you can’t quite recover from it but you can just get a new boyfriend.)

Meanwhile, reformed class clown J.T. realized — while at the party — that he was still in love with his boring ex-girlfriend Liberty, despite the fact that Liberty’s kind of a pill and was always my least favorite character on the show. J.T. went looking for Liberty to tell her that he loved her but before he found her, he ended up getting stabbed in the back by a kid from the rival high school. Liberty comes across J.T. who dies without ever letting her know that he loves her.

Seriously, that’s what happens.

What Worked

The thing I loved about this show is the way it always managed to embrace the principle of the worst possible thing that can happen will happen. For all the controversy over the fact that the show regularly dealt with issues like teen sex and teen violence, few commentators seemed to notice just how reactionary this show usually is. In the world of Degrassi, if you have unprotected sex, you will get pregnant. If you try drugs, you will end up getting addicted and having a psychotic breakdown in front of someone who could have been very important to your future. If you drink and drive, you’re going to total the car. If you bully another student, you better believe that student is going to attempt suicide by the end of the episode. And here, we learn that if you throw a party while your parents are away, the funniest, most likable student at school will end up getting murdered by a complete stranger.

Seriously, whenever I start to get annoyed with all of my Catholic guilt, I watch this show and realize that I’m right. I am doomed.

What Didn’t Work?

Liberty was such an annoying character and the fact that J.T. died because he was looking for her didn’t serve to make her any less annoying.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

As I already mentioned, I couldn’t help but relate to Emma as her night of passion was ruined by the fact that she was busy throwing up in a trash can. Luckily, she had someone there to hold back her hair. Seriously guys, there’s an art to doing that. I speak as someone who has had her hair manhandled by far-too-many clumsy good Samaritans. I mean, don’t get me wrong — I love you guys but ouch! Holding my hair back does not mean ripping it out by the roots.

Lessons Learned

None. I’ve never been good at learning my lesson.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Myra Breckinridge (dir. by Michael Sarne)

Posted on June 6, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I struggled to get some sleep, I ended up turning on the television to HBO and watching a truly infamous film — 1970’s Myra Breckenridge. Based on a novel by Gore Vidal (a writer that I generally have little use for), Myra Breckinridge is infamous for being one of two X-rated film released by 20th Century Fox in 1970. (The other one was Russ Meyer’s Beyond The Valley of the Dolls.)

Why Was I Watching It?

Because I’ve read a lot of books devoted to “the worst films ever made.” And all of them mention 1970’s Myra Breckinridge as being one of the worst ever made. And having seen the film, I can say that they’re right.

What’s It About?

Well, that’s a good question. Okay, there’s a bisexual film critic named Myron Breckinridge (played by an actual film critic named Red Reed). Myron gets a sex change operation from a pot-smoking doctor played by John Carradine. “It won’t grow back,” Carradine warns him.

Next thing you know, Myron is Myra and is now being played by Raquel Welch. Pretending to be Myron’s window, Myra goes to the acting school that is run by Myron’s uncle Buck (John Huston) and ends up falling in love with an acting student (played, pretty badly in her film debut, by Farrah Fawcett). Unfortunately, Fawcett’s in love with a cowboy from Oklahoma so Myra ends up anally raping the cowboy with a big dildo.

Oh, and a 70 year-old Mae West in the film for some reason. She plays a talent agent.

It all sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is.

What Worked?

Nothing. Just in case I’m not being clear, allow me to clarify: Nothing. Seriously, this may indeed be the worst movie I have ever actually sat through. What’s said is that it didn’t even work on a “so-bad-its-good” level. I love trashy film but Myra Breckinridge isn’t really interesting enough to be trashy. It’s just an amazingly boring film that thinks it’s about sex.

I’ve also read some who have claimed that this film, bad as it is, has a certain camp appeal. And, if you’ve never actually seen a campy film, you might think that Myra Breckinridge is camp. However, camp is not boring. Myra Breckinridge is.

Actually, there is one scene that has an odd, “you’ve-got-to-see-this-crap” appeal to it and here it is. Mae West sings “Hard to Handle.”

What Doesn’t Work:

The entire freaking film. Seriously. I mean, I don’t even know where to begin or what specifically to point out because, if you simply take this film’s failings on a problem-by-problem basis, it creates the false impression that the film is somewhat watchable.

Okay, here’s a few things that I simply will not be able to live with myself if I don’t take a few moments to be a bitch about:

1) There’s a lot of bad movies that are distinguished by interesting or, at the very least, watchable performances. It’s as if the actors realize that they’re going to go down with the ship unless they bring something new to the film. (Meanwhile, so-called great films feature some of the worst performances this side of Avatar…) Unfortunately, Myra Breckinridge is not one of those films. The cast alternates beyond going insanely overboard (like John Huston and Rex Reed) to delivering their lines with a dull contempt that seems to be directed as much at us as at themselves (like Raquel Welch.)

By the way, Raquel Welch is actually one of my favorite of the old school film stars. For me, she’s a bit of a role model, a strong Latina who never felt the need to apologize for being both a sex symbol and an intelligent, succesful woman. But Welch really does give a pretty bad performance here. Then again, I would argue that she gives the material exactly the amount of effort it deserves.

2) As bad as the cast is, no one is as terrible as Mae West. The 70 year-old West came out of retirement to play her role here. Anyway, it’s hard to understand why she’s in this film. At one point, when she meets a 6’7 actor, she says she’s only concerned with the seven inches. Now, imagine this being said by your great-great-great-grandma and you have some idea what it’s like to watch her performance here.

3) This film was made in 1970 and it attempts to be all counter-cultural by having “hippies” wandering around in the background. As well, we get a lot of hard-hitting political satire. By that, I mean that various fat men in cowboy hats pop up and complain about “smut” and “nudity” in the movies. I guess the audience is supposed to go, “Oh my God, they’re talking about movies like this!” It’s for this reason that I think that Myra Breckinridge is actually secretly meant to be a piece of right-wing propaganda.

4) Finally, for no real reason, clips from old 20th Century Fox films are littered throughout the film, popping up randomly to…well, I was going to say “comment on the action,” but few of them manage to do that. Basically, it works like this: you see Raquel Welch anally raping a man with a dildo. And then you see a clip of Stan Laurel for a few seconds. Then, you’re back to Raquel anally raping the man. Suddenly, there’s a clip of Claudette Colbert smiling. Suddenly, Raquel’s back and she’s still anally raping the man. And by the way, I’m not just making this up so I’ll have an example. This is what actually happens in the film.

5) And again, allow me to clarify that this film — which features Raquel Welch using a dildo to anally rape a man — is still one of the most boring things ever made.

6) “Okay,” you’re saying, “if you hated it so much then why did you sit through the entire freaking movie, Lisa?” I did it because, once I start watching a movie, I can’t stop watching until it ends. That’s my addiction. That’s my curse. That’s a duty that I’ve proudly accepted as a film lover. And not even Myra Breckenridge is going to keep me from doing my duty.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments:

Yes, I know that this is where I traditionally offer up some sort of teasingly vague comment about my first year at college or where I admit that I’m scared of dogs, heights, swimming, and the area directly behind the television. And you would be justified in thinking that a film that claims to celebrate sexual freedom and bisexuality would give me the perfect excuse to be all sorts of TMI.

But you know what? There were absolutely no “Oh my God! Just like me!” TMI moments in Myra Breckenridge because there was not one single moment that, in any way, rang true or seemed to possess any sort of insight about…well, about anything. For an X-rated film that was specifically about sexuality, Myra Breckinridge left me as dry as the Sahara.

So, sorry — for the first time, I can say that I watched something that had absolutely no “OMG! Just like me!” moments.

Lessons Learned:

I will watch anything.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Babysitter’s Seduction (dir. by David Burton Morris)

Posted on June 2, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I was feeling sad so I went to the handy DVR and I watched a movie that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on Memorial Day — the unacknowledged classic piece of Americana, The Babysitter’s Seduction!

Why Was I Watching It?

Oh. My. God! How could I not watch it? This apparently first came out way back in 1996 but it shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network like every six months or so and I make it a point to either watch it or at least DVR it every time it’s scheduled because seriously, this is like my favorite Lifetime movie of all time!

What’s It About?

Oh my God…okay, check this one out. So Kerri Russell is like this babysitter and she’s been hired to watch over the children of Stephen Collins who is the multimillionaire with a beautiful home and a wife who has had so many facelifts that her face just looks like wax. Kerri’s in high school here and she has a boyfriend who looks like he’s about 30 because he’s got a receding hairline and a big old widow’s peak but he’s still in high school too. Uhmm…remedial much?

So, anyway, one day, Kerri takes the kids out to the public pool and then she realizes that she left something behind at the house so she goes back and, oh my God!, Stephen Collins’s wife is lying dead on the kitchen floor with a gun in her hand. Is it suicide? Well, that’s what a police inspector played by Tobin Bell has to figure out. Turns out that Tobin is also best buddies with Stephen but he’s still got to do his job because it quickly becomes obvious that Mrs. Stephen Collins didn’t actually commit suicide. It all has to do with powder residue and a whole lot of other CSI-type stuff.

Anyway, it’s kinda obvious that Stephen Collins killed his wife but nobody notices because they’re too busy gossiping about how he’s now secretly sleeping with the babysitter. Kerri Russell tells everyone that she’s in love with Stephen Collins but little does she realize that Stephen Collins is busy trying to frame her for his wife’s murder.

Anyway, eventually the center cannot hold and things falls apart…

What Worked?

Okay, so basically, here we have a film where the Rev. Camden frames Felicity for murder and it’s up to the Jigsaw Killer to find the truth. That right there is what we call a harmonic convergence of pop culture. This film needs to be seen for this reason, if nothing else.

Also, the Babysitter’s Seduction is one of those films that succeeds by taking its formula to the most logical extreme and then taking another step or two forward. Hence, not only is the babysitter seduced but she’s just about brainwashed. Not only is Stephen Collins evil but, as the film reaches it conclusion, we come to realize that he’s actually the equivalent of that evil mayor from the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, seriously — there’s nothing this guy can’t do! How, where, and when did he learn to be so evil!?

Finally, this is another one of those movies where nobody delivers a line without taking a dramatic pause in the middle of the sentence. For instance, the dead wife’s secret love introduced himself by saying, “I’m Paul Richards….I. Was. Sally’s. Lover.” Now, I have to admit that I’ve often been told that I have a tendency to 1) talk too much and 2) talk too fast and, as a result, sometimes it’s difficult to follow my train of thought. And to those who say that, I say, “Fuck you.” But anyways, after witnessing all of the dramatic pauses in this film and seeing how they helped to turn a 30-minute sitcom into a 2-hour movie, I am now much more open to the idea of adding. Pointless. Pauses. To. Everything. I. Say. From. Now. On.

Also, this film demonstrates how — if you’re in a pinch and you don’t have anything else — panties can be a handy substitute for handcuffs. So, if your boyfriend can’t quite figure out how to pull that particular quirk off, this movie serves as a nice training film for him and as 2 hours of Lifetime goodness for you.

What Didn’t Work?

Obviously, if the babysitter wasn’t an idiot then there wouldn’t be a film. But seriously, this babysitter was really an idiot. Okay — since I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea from this movie, I’ll just go ahead and say it — if the wife of your employer shows up on the kitchen floor with a bullet in her head, do not respond by having sex with your employer. It’s just not going to look good.

There’s also a scene where Kerri Russell’s bra changes color from shot to shot. Seriously, that’s just carelessness.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

You know, I always wanted to babysit but I never got too. My older sisters all got to babysit me at one time or another but one of the drawbacks of being the baby of the family is that there was no one younger than me for me to watch. Then again, being the baby also meant that I got spoiled rotten so I can’t complain too much.

However, there was one moment I could really relate too and that was when Kerri Russell told her concerned mother, “I don’t have an attitude…you do!” I used to say that all the time! The key to delivering the line — which Kerri nails, by the way — is to wait three beats before raising up your chin half an inch, looking down the slope of your nose and saying, “…you do.” Ha! In your face, judgmental authority figure!

Also, despite never getting to be a babysitter, I did once secretly have an older lover who murdered his wife but shhhh…don’t tell anyone.

Lessons Learned

If you’re employer kills his wife, wait a few months before having sex with him. Otherwise, it just looks bad.