Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/16/23 — 7/22/23

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

City Guys (YouTube)

Claim To Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

Claim to Fame is a show where 12 relatives of celebrities compete to be the last relative standing. If someone guesses who you are related to, then you’re out of the show. If someone incorrectly guesses who you are related to, they are out of the show. It’s all really, really silly but it’s also a lot more fun than it probably has any right to be. It helps that the show is hosted by the totally charming duo of Kevin and Frankie Jonas.

I watched the first three episodes of the second season on Sunday morning. The highlight, of course, was the epic meltdown of Tom Hanks’s niece, who really only had herself to blame for being eliminated because she literally had a panic attack whenever anyone mentioned that someone on the show might be related to Tom Hanks. As I finished the third episode, I decided that Olivia and Chris were my two favorite players and that Hugo was least favorite, largely due to the fact that Hugo just seemed awfully impressed with himself.

I watched the latest episode on Monday night. Eddie Murphy’s daughter was finally sent out of the house. I say finally because everyone pretty much figured out who she was during the second episode. That said, she seemed to be a nice person.

Degrassi High (YouTube)

Old school Degrassi! As much as I hate to admit, I haven’t seen much of either Degrassi Junior High or Degrassi High but I intend to remedy that soon. On the two episodes I watched, the school bully discovered that he was HIV+ and Joey’s attempt to raise money for a new car failed. It was interesting seeing Joey when he was younger and still had hair.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

Happy Hour (YouTube)

I watched the 2nd episode of this old 90s game show on Saturday morning. Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa hosted. Ahemt had a bit too much energy for his own good but at least Mario Lopez was one of the contestants. There was an extremely creepy moment when a woman was brought out of the audience and talked about how obsessed she was with Mario. Also interesting was to note that this episode was nearly 30 years old but Mario Lopez looked exactly the same as he does today. The man seriously does not age.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Night Music (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this 90s late night music show on Friday night. Bootsy Collins performed and it was very entertaining.

The Simpsons (Weekdays, FXX)

I watched two episodes of this long-running show on Thursday afternoon. In the first episode, Bart was expelled from Springfield Elementary but, fortunately, he was allowed to re-enroll after he exposed the truth about whacking day and saved the lives of a bunch of snakes. This was followed by an episode in which Marge forgot to pay for a bottle of whiskey and was sent to jail for 30 days. Needless to say, the entire town fell apart without her and was forced to settle for a Jimmy Carter statue when they couldn’t afford one of Lincoln. This led to riots, as one would naturally expect.

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

I binged and got up-to-date with this stupid, stupid show throughout the week. As dumb as it is, it’s compulsively watchable. On the one hand, it was great to see William Shatner hamming it up as the host. On the other hand, is it really time for Lance Armstrong redemption tour?

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about “The Sit-In” here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 1.15 “The Sit-In”

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe teaches the Sweathogs how to fight the man!

Episode 1.15 “The Sit-In”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1976)

As this episode begins, Gabe is running late but he still takes the time to tell Julie about his Uncle Bernie. Apparently, Uncle Bernie was always late because he was always fighting with his wife. Aunt Helene always said Bernie was going to be late to his own funeral. Bernie replied that he was going to be buried at sea. I didn’t get it either but at least Gabe got to tell his joke. That seems to be important to him.

You know what isn’t a joke? Food fights at school! Mr. Woodman shows up in Gabe’s classroom, wearing a raincoat and a hat because he says that he’s heard that the Sweathogs are going to start a food fight in the cafeteria. Gabe argues that the Sweathogs would not start a food fight in the cafeteria without protecting themselves, just for the Sweathogs to all show up for class wearing costumes that range from a football helmet to a fireman’s uniform to a doctor’s mask to a garbage bag. (Not surprisingly, Horshack is the one who went with the garbage bag.)

“They’re not people, Kotter, they’re not people!” Woodman announces.

“Why didn’t you tell me today was going to be dress-up day?” Gabe asks, “I could have spray-painted my suit and came as a subway train.”

It turns out that the Sweathogs are planning a food fight as a protest against the cafeteria serving liver for lunch. Kotter encourages the Sweathogs to work through the system and put together a petition. When he tells this to Woodman, Woodman replies, “What system, Kotter? There’s only one system here! You’re free to do as you’re told! …. We all have to eat this swill and if I die, I’m taking all of you with me.”

(Woodman, to my surprise, is quickly becoming my favorite character on this show. John Sylvester White’s portrayal, with its suggestion that Woodman is slowly losing his mind, never fails to make me smile.)

Realizing that the petition isn’t going to do the job, Gabe encourages his students to stage a sit-in. For some reason, they all sit down in the classroom instead of the cafeteria. After several hours, Woodman steps into the classroom and discovers the sit-in. Gabe tells Woodman that they’re committed. “If you’re not committed, you should be,” Woodman says, before madly laughing.

Though the Sweathogs want to go home, Gabe demands that they stay in the room and protest. (One gets the feeling that Gabe is once again forcing the Sweathogs to take part in his own midlife crisis.) The Sweathogs agree to continue to the sit-in.

That night, Gabe and Epstein keep everyone amused by doing their imitations of Groucho and Chico Marx.

Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to anyone to bring food into the classroom and the Sweathogs, suffering from hunger pains, once again start to abandon the protest. Gabe tells them that they can’t leave but the Sweathogs are starving! Suddenly, Julie shows up with a picnic basket and announces that she has brought everyone “my famous tuna casserole.” The Sweathogs decide to starve. Gabe tells Julie that not even famine victims would eat her tuna casserole. Ouch! Honestly, if I was Julie, I would leave at that point and just let everyone starve but Julie announces that she used to organize sit-ins in college and she’s staying and she’s even brought pillows and blankets.

Gabe announces that it’s time for everyone to get some sleep for the night. Barbarino tells Gabe that he always sleeps in the nude. “Go ahead,” Gabe says and the audience goes crazy because seriously, young John Travolta was insanely hot. Barbarino disappoints everyone by saying that it’s too cold for him to sleep in the nude. Boooo!

Gabe turns out of the lights. Horshack starts to cry because he doesn’t have his teddy. “You can’t have your teddy,” Gabe replies. “How about Mrs. Kotter?” Horshack asks. “You can’t have my teddy either,” Gabe replies. Meanwhile, Barbarino says his prayers and Epstein says, “Send my regards.” This leads to the Sweathogs debating what God is like. Epstein thinks he sounds like John Wayne. Washington thinks that God has a jazz band. Julie says that God is love and “that if God was here, he would love my tuna casserole.”

And you know what? This is actually a surprisingly sweet scene but I still have no idea how doing a sleepover in a classroom, something that the Drama Club did on a nearly weekly basis when I was in high school, is going to get the liver out of the cafeteria.

The next morning, Woodman comes by the classroom and discovers that everyone spent the night. Woodman says that it doesn’t make a difference because no one cares if the Sweathogs spent the night in the classroom but then a bunch of regular students show up and say they’re joining the sit-in.

“Down with liver!” everyone starts to chant.

Woodman announces that there will no longer be any liver in the cafeteria because “the real students don’t like it either.” So, basically, the Sweathogs still don’t matter. They got what they wanted but not because they wanted it. That’s kind of sad really.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Jack and how his wife fell out of an airplane. Does it concern Julie that all of Gabe’s jokes are about husbands killing their wives? I mean, I would be careful about bringing up the tuna casserole around him.

Anyway, this was actually a pretty likable episode and an example of what a talented cast can do with an otherwise middling story. During the firsts season, at least, this show was very good about giving every member of the cast a chance to shine.

Next week, we have a two-part episode in which Vinnie Barbarino drops out of high school!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.11 “Failure to Communicate”

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, we meet Max Keller’s father!

Episode 1.11 “Failure to Communicate”

(Dir by Sidney Hayers, originally aired on May 4th, 1984)

This week’s episode of The Master opens with McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) teaching Max (Tim Van Patten) how to fight even while blindfolded. McAllister explains that, when one’s sight is taken away, the other senses become even stronger. Hmmm…. I wonder if this will prove to be relevant to their next adventure?

Having apparently given up on trying to find McAllister’s daughter (not that they ever seemed to be trying that hard to begin with), Max and McAllister head to Los Angeles so that Max can visit his father. Max’s father, Patrick (Doug McClure), has been estranged from Max ever since the death of Max’s mother and older brother. However, under McAllister’s guidance, Max has learned the importance of forgiveness.

However, before Max can drop in on his father, he and McAllister have to rescue Kathy Hunter (Ashley Ferrare), who is being chased by three men in a cemetery. McAllister is impressed when Kathy uses some martial arts skills of her own to fight off the men. (Kathy explains that she has been in training for six years.) McAllister takes Kathy home to her father, a wealthy bunker named Jason Hunter (J.D. Cannon). Max, meanwhile, goes to his father’s law office.

However, Patrick is not at his office. Instead, Max meets Patrick’s administrative assistant, Laura Crane (Rebecca Holden). Laura is blind but, as we saw at the start of the program, that just means that all of her other senses are now superhuman. As soon as she meets Max, she knows that he recently stopped off at a gas station and that he drives a van. All it takes is for her to touch his face for her to realize that she is Patrick’s son.

Patrick, unfortunately, is not doing too well. He is now an alcoholic and he’s more likely to be found in the local cocktail lounge than in court. He’s in danger of losing his license and he’s also struggling financially. In fact, at the cocktail bar, Patrick is meeting with Straker (Marc Alaimo), one of the men who previously tried to abduct Kathy in the cemetery. Straker is blackmailing Patrick into helping with Staker’s next attempt to kidnap Kathy. Of course, when Max arrives at the bar looking for his father, all Hell breaks loose when Max sees the men from the cemetery. Patrick can only watch as Max and a late-arriving McAllister chase the men out of the bar.

After the bar fight, Max and Patrick have a tense meeting at Patrick’s office. Max accuses his father of being a bitter drunk. Patrick says that Max is irresponsible. Patrick tells Max to get out of his life. Meanwhile, McAllister escorts Laura back to her apartment. Okassa (Sho Kosugi) shows up and we get yet another fight, this time between Sho Kosugi and Lee Van Cleef’s very busy stunt double.

The next day, Patrick, Laura, McAllister, and Max all end up at a reception for Kathy. Patrick spots the three kidnappers at the reception and, having had a change of heart, attempts to lead Kathy outside to safety. However, this just leads to both Patrick and Kathy being kidnapped. Straker calls Kathy’s father and demands a $3,000,000 ransom but, fortunately, Laura smelled cemetery dirt on the men who grabbed Kathy so Max and McAllister head back to the cemetery, break into a church, and manage to rescue both Kathy and Patrick!

Yay! I guess the episode’s over, right?

Nope, not even close.

While Max and McAllister are rescuing Patrick and Kathy, Straker is busy kidnapping Laura. Straker then calls Kathy’s father and announces that he still expects to get his 3 million or “your lawyer’s secretary gets it!” Kathy’s father is like, “Why would I pay 3 million dollars for someone who I don’t even know?,” which is kind of a fair question even if it’s not a popular one. McAllister, however, tells Kathy’s father that it’s important to take care of everyone, even the strangers.

Patrick finally breaks down and admits that he was a part of the plot to kidnap Kathy. He tells Max and McAllister that the man behind the plot is actually Paul Stillwell (Mark Goddard), who is Jason Hunter’s head of security. (This seems familiar….) Patrick also explains that Stillwell is holding Laura prisoner on the Princess Louise, a decommissioned cruise ship that has been turned into a floating restaurant.

Accompanied by Patrick, Max and McAllister go to the ship. Unfortunately, Okassa pops up out of nowhere and gets into another fight with Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double so it falls to Patrick and Max to rescue Laura. (Patrick suddenly turns out to have some martial arts skills as well, which is a bit odd considering that Patrick is a middle-aged, overweight, out-of-shape, alcoholic attorney.) The bad guys try to outsmart Max by turning out all the lights on the boat but Laura is able to use her supersenses to help Max beat up Straker’s men in the dark. Laura is rescued and the bad guys are sent to prison!

As for Patrick, the Hunter family decides not to press charges because they understand that Patrick was being blackmailed. Swearing that he’s going to live his life the right way from now on, Patrick pours out his last remaining liquor bottle. Hooray!

This was one of those episodes that was a bit too busy for its own good. Rather than have Max and McAllister fight against worthy opponents, this episode just had Max and McAllister continually defeat the same three idiots over and over again and you have to wonder why it never seemed to occur to the bad guys to change their strategy when it came to whole kidnapping thing as opposed to repeating the same thing over and over again. With all of those kidnappings and rescues, there really wasn’t much time left for the emotional heart of the story, which should have been Max mending his relationship with his father. Considering how much of this series has focused on Max and McAllister’s family issues, it was a bit anti-climatic that Max’s real father just turned out to be some drunk who was being blackmailed. At least some of the fight scenes were well-choreographed and Rebecca Holden did a good job as Laura Crane, even if the character herself was occasionally too flawless and perfect to be believed.

Next week, maybe McAllister will finally remember that he’s supposed to be looking for his daughter. We’ll see!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.15 “An SAT Carol” and 5.16 “Mock The Vote”

Posted on July 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

It’s SAT time!

Episode 5.15 “An SAT Carol”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 3rd, 2001)

It’s SAT time! Cassidy is paranoid about getting into a good acting school. Dawn declares that she will be a total failure if she doesn’t get into Harvard pre-med. Dawn, do you know anyone at Harvard? Do you have any family connections at Harvard? Is your family secretly rich? I’m just saying that, unless you have an inside track, it’s kind of silly to not have a second choice for when Harvard rejects you.

Everyone is cramming for their SATS but, after missing a few questions while attending study group at the Manhattan Diner, L-Train announces that he’s not going to take his SATs and he’s not going to go to college. The audience groans in disappointment but the audience should not fear because this is a Peter Engel-produced show. No one gets away with blowing off college as long as Peter Engel’s around!

That night, L-Train goes to bed but is woken up by the spirit of Ms. Noble, who is doing the Hustle in his bedroom. Ms. Noble explains that L-Train is having a dream and that she’s come to his room to show him the paths that his life can take depending on whether or not he takes the SATs.

(Personally, I think it’s kind of creepy that L-Train is dreaming about his principal disco dancing….)

Ms. Noble takes L-Train to his 10-year high school reunion, which is, of course, taking place on the roof of Manny High. Dawn, Ms. Noble explains, has become a doctor. Cassidy is married to Chris and is an actress on the show V.E.R. (“Veterinarian Emergency Room,” Ms. Noble explains.) Al took his SATs, went to business school, and opened up a furniture store. Chris is a DJ on New York radio, which, as we all know, is a job that is only given to people who have taken their SATs. Jamal, meanwhile, has opened up a chain of successful Mexican restaurants. And L-Train …. well, he took the SATS, went to college, studied music, and became a very successful record producer! Future L-Train shows up at the reunion and gives his friends tickets to the Grammys.

“This is all because you took the SATs!” Ms. Noble announces before a disco ball descends from Heaven and transports her and L-Train back to his bedroom. However, when Ms. Noble asks L-Train if he’s going to take the SATs, he says no because his mind always goes blank whenever he has to take a test.

“That’s just your fear talking,” Ms. Noble replies.

“I’m afraid of fear!” L-Train replies.

Ms. Noble takes L-Train to a future where he didn’t take the SATs. In this future, L-Train walks into Manhattan Diner and complains to Al and Jamal that his latest business, a car washing business, is going out of business. He mentions that all of his other businesses have failed as well. (So, in other words, L-Train didn’t take the SATs but still had enough money to go into business for himself.) Later, on the night of his class reunion, L-Train stays in bed, watches TV, and laments that he doesn’t even have a girlfriend. L-Train watches an episode of V.E.R, starring Cassidy and then a commercial for Al’s furniture store. It’s all painfully unfunny so L-Train turns on the radio and hears Chris interviewing Jamal.

“I’m a loser, Ms. Noble!” L-Train says. Ms. Noble agrees. L-Train finally wakes up and realizes that he still has time to take the SATs!

This was an annoying episode. The fact of the matter is that some people succeed without going to college and others go to college and end up going nowhere. There are no guarantees in life. Obviously, Dawn does need to go to college if she’s going to become a doctor and going to business school worked out for Al. But Cassidy has already starred in commercials and appeared in several off-Broadway plays so is it really a good idea for her to put her career on hold for four years? Jamal obviously inherited his restaurant business from his father and I imagine that would have happened whether Jamal went to college or not. Chris, meanwhile, was first offered his own show as a New York DJ when he was in high school so did the SATs really have anything to do with his future career? If anything, it sounds like Chris is in a career rut and that he basically peaked in high school. In the real world, everyone follows their own path. I went to college. I loved it. Sometimes, I wish I was still in college. But just because that was right for me, that doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone.

Anyway, let’s move on!

Episode 5.16 “Mock the Vote”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 3rd, 2001)

This is another episode that is missing from YouTube so here’s the Wikipedia plot description:

Dawn is running for Senior Class President against a pompous and overconfident student named Thane Watkins. Jamal and Chris contribute to Dawn losing out on the position when they make a mockery of the whole election on their radio show which affects the voter turnout. In turn making Thane win by a landslide and unwittingly giving him the power to mess with many Manny High programs and to act on his distaste of their radio show by canceling it and dismantling the radio booth. Now Chris, Jamal, Al, and L-Train must work with Dawn to veto this decision. Meanwhile, Cassidy receives letters from a fan who has seen her in a commercial and he writes that he is flying to New York to visit her. She becomes a paranoid and nervous wreck when she believes that this fan and a crazed stalker that has escaped who are both from the same town is one and the same person.

Obviously, I can’t review this episode because it’s not streaming anywhere. From the plot description, it sounds like a typical TNBC student council episode. It’s always funny to me how big a deal the student council was in these old Peter Engel-produced shows. When I was in high school, the student council was a joke and we made fun of anyone dumb enough to run for it. I will say that it’s hard for me to believe that Thane Watkins could be that bad of a guy when he apparently doesn’t like Chris and Jamal’s radio show. Seriously, I cringe anytime I hear those two going, “Good morning, Manny High!” As for Cassidy getting a stalker, that’s really nothing to joke about. I’m sure that everything turned out okay, though. No serious lessons were ever learned from the B-plot.

Next week: L-Train becomes a poet and we get another clip show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Families”

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Captain needs a new watch but his crew is determined to give him a bunch of toothpicks instead.

Episode 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Familes”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1979)

This week’s cruise gets off to a bizarre start with Captain Stubing reminding the members of the crew that he will soon be hitting his 5-year anniversary mark as their captain. Doc, Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are planning to throw him a huge surprise party and they’ve even gotten him a gift, a replica of the Love Boat made out of toothpicks!

Now, it’s not just the gift that feels strange about this scenario. There’s also the fact that Stubing claims that he’s been captain of the Pacific Princess for five years even though the show is only in its second season. As you may remember, the very first episode of The Love Boat featured the crew still talking about how they couldn’t figure out the proper way to approach their new captain and how they didn’t know anything about his background. So, unless three years passed without anyone noticing, the Captain has only been on the ship for two years.

Add to that, Captain Stubing keeps telling anyone who will listen that he needs a new watch. So why is the crew dumb enough to give him a boat made out of toothpicks for his anniversary gift? The toothpick boat itself is constructed by two close friends, Bo (Philip Charles MacKenzie) and Sam (Michael Tucci). Of course, when Bo and Sam deliver the gift to the cruise, they end up breaking it in half. As a result, they stowaway on the ship so that they can rebuild the toothpick boat. And they do rebuild it! But then they break it again so, with hours to go until the Captain’s party, they again have to rebuild it. When they deliver the boat the captain’s party, they discover that every member of the crew has given Stubing some sort of miniature boat. Stubing is not particularly excited about the toothpick boat until he hears the sound of something ticking inside of it. Yes, that’s right, Sam’s watch fell off while they were rebuilding the boat. Stubing smashes the toothpick boat and is overjoyed to discover a watch, one that is inscribed with a touching message about friendship. Bo promises to get Sam a new watch.

This storyline was …. well, to say it was frustrating is perhaps putting it a little bit too lightly. Seriously, it never made any sense. Why, if the Captain keeps telling you that he desperately needs a new watch, would you buy him a toothpick boat instead? And why, with something that fragile, would you not wrap it up or find some other way to protect it before trying to carry it onto the cruise? Every time that fake boat got destroyed, I wanted to throw something at the TV.

As for the other storylines….

Julie develops a crush on an older passenger named Walter (Paul Burke) while a younger passenger named Bobby Trymon (Patrick Labyorteaux) develops a crush on Julie. Julie wants to spend all of her time dancing with Walter but she also has to try to let teenage Bobby down gently. Eventually, Julie tells Bobby that he’s too young for her and then Walter explains that he’s too old for Julie. So, everyone ends up miserable.

While that’s going on, publisher Hank Hardaway (Leslie Nielsen) is shocked to discover that his arch nemesis, union leader Monica Cross (Arlene Dahl) is on the cruise! Hank’s daughter, Diana (Ellen Bry), thinks that Monica has a point about protecting the working man while Monica’s son, Jeff (Mark Shera), thinks that Hank has a point about working hard and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Eventually, Diana falls for Jeff and Hank falls for Monica and the four of them prove that you can love someone even if you disagree with their politics. This storyline was simple and silly but, to be honest, kind of charming. Nielsen, who still in the “serious actor” phase of his career when he did this episode, seemed a bit more relaxed than usual and Ellen Bry and Mark Shera had a likable chemistry. Simple as this story may have been, it was kind of what the episode needed to counterbalance all the toothpick boat nonsense.

This cruise was a mixed bag. At least the Captain got a watch.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

Posted on July 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Tattoo gets bullied and Mr. Roarke gets psychedelic!

Episode 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo greets Mr. Roarke while disguised as Frankenstein’s Monster.

Tattoo explains to Mr. Roarke that he’s trying to look scary because there’s a bully that’s picking on him “because of my size.” OH MY GOD, POOR TATTOO! Seriously, my heart broke for him when he explained the reason behind his disguise. As usual, Mr. Roarke was far less sympathetic and ordered Tattoo to put on his usual white tux so that they could greet their guests.

This week’s fantasies ….. well, let’s just get straight to the point. Neither one is particularly memorable. In the first one, Cornelius Wiselfarber (Don Adams) is an expert on World War I whose fantasy is to experience the real thing. From the start, this storyline has two huge flaws. Number one, it makes the mistake of assuming that a character is automatically funny just because he has a silly name. Secondly, what expert on World War I would seriously want to experience it firsthand? There’s a reason why World War I was called the Great War. It was one of the most destructive and wasteful conflicts ever fought, one that will be forever identified with the horrors of trench warfare and mustard gas. Thousands died, many more were wounded both physically and psychologically. Even those who survived with their bodies and their minds intact still ran the risk of catching the Spanish Flu. This is one of those fantasies that just doesn’t make any sense.

That said, Cornelius gets his chance to experience what it was like to be a World War I flying ace. He even meets the Red Baron (Ron Ely)! The majority of the fantasy is played for laughs, with Mr. Roarke continually mispronouncing Cornelius’s last name and Cornelius himself getting recruited, by the Resistance, to pretend to be a German officer behind enemy lines. It falls flat, mostly because Don Adams himself doesn’t seem to know whether he wants to play his character straight or as a variation of his bumbling secret agent, Maxwell Smart. By the end of the fantasy, Cornelius says that he now understands how terrible World War I truly was but, seeing as how he didn’t see much combat and spent most of his fantasy trading one liners with Monique of the Resistance (Martine Beswick), you have to wonder how that could be.

As for the second fantasy, Helen Phillips (Diana Canova) is a 40-something nurse who wants to be young again. Mr. Roarke gives her a magic potion to drink. Drinking the potion leads to Helen having a psychedelic vision of Mr. Roarke explaining that that the potion wears off after 12 hours so she’ll have to keep drinking it if she’s going to remain young.

No longer having to wear glasses and without a touch of gray in her hair, Helen meets and falls for a handsome young named David Hanks (David Ladd) but she worries about what will happen when she runs out of the potion and he discovers that she’s old enough to be his mother. Fear not! It turns out that David has been drinking the potion as well! He’s actually in his 50s and his fantasy was to be reunited with the nurse who looked after him when he injured himself as a young man! To be honest, the twist felt a little bit too convenient and the old-age makeup worn by both Canova and Ladd was not particularly convincing. There was also an oddly played scene in which Helen’s ex-fiancé (played by Dave Madden) came to the Island searching for her but then promptly left when he discovered that Helen and David were in love. On the plus side, I did like the psychedelic Mr. Roarke scene.

As for Tattoo, he resorts to disguising himself as a vampire in his attempt to scare off his bully.

Later, when it is time to bid farewell to this week’s guests, Tattoo shows up wearing dark glasses because his bully gave him a black eye. Mr. Roarke finally shows some concern about the fact that someone is harassing his assistant manager. However, when Tattoo reveals that his bully is a chimpanzee wearing boxing gloves, Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs.

Seriously, Mr. Roarke really hates his second-in-command.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.11 “Finals Fury” and 5.12 “The Upset”

Posted on July 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The Tornadoes are going to the championship tournament …. again!

Episode 5.11 “Finals Fury”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on November 27th, 1999)

The Tornadoes are once again in the championship tournament, which means that it is once again time for Hang Time to make use of its University of Indiana set. As Coach K. explains, the team cannot afford to lose one game if they want to be the state champions. Unfortunately, Michael is currently playing like crap, missing easy shots, getting distracted, and even getting so angry over a call that he gets thrown out of a game.

What’s the problem? Michael’s lifelong but never previously mentioned rival is also at the championship and he is continually taunting Michael, whether from the stands or on the court. Michael gets so upset that he can’t concentrate. Coach K. decides that the best way to solve this problem would be to get kicked out of the game. So, Coach K yells at a ref until he’s sent to the locker room. At half-time, Coach K. tells Michael that now he knows what it’s like to be abandoned in the middle of a big game. I’m not really sure that I follow Coach K’s logic here but the important thing is that it somehow causes Michael to play better and Deering once again wins by one basket. They won despite not having a coach on the floor so maybe the real point of this episode was that Coach K really wasn’t that important.

Meanwhile, Antonio runs into an old friend from Texas and attends a frat party. Even though Kristy trusts Antonio, she still gets jealous when one too many sorority girls say hi to her man. At the next fraternity party, Kristy and Mary Beth sneak in, wearing fake beards and pretending to be frat pledges. Yes, it’s another wacky disguise plot! I usually hate wacky disguise plots but I’ll make an exception here because Jay Hernandez is just so unbelievably likable an Antonio. In a Hang Time first, Antonio doesn’t overreact to Kristy and Mary Beth spying on him but instead gives them a fraternity paddle as a gift. It was kind of sweet.

Still, you have to wonder how Coach K would have felt about Antonio going to a party on the night before a big game. Remember when Coach K made the team sign that stupid contract, promising not to party, skateboard, or do anything that could possibly make them less effective on the court? If you do, congrats. The show appears to have forgotten about it.

Episode 5.12 “The Upset”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on December 4th, 1999)

As the Tornadoes prepare for their next game in the championship tournament, Kristy and Mary Beth notice a familiar face setting up a video camera to record the action. Why, it’s Ronald! Who is Ronald? As Kristy and Mary Beth explain it, Ronald was a kid who they tormented when they were younger, forcing him to wear makeup and totally embarrassing him when he wanted to try out for Little League. Not realizing that Ronald (played by Micgael Cornacchia) has been permanently traumatized by their actions, Kristy and Mary Beth decide to go say hi. They’re shocked when Ronald says that he wants nothing to do with them. They decide to make it their mission to convince Ronald that they’re not as bad as he thinks they are.

I had mixed feelings about this plotline. On the one hand, I could relate to both Kristy and Mary Beth because it’s always been hard for me to understand how anyone could actually be angry about anything that I’ve ever done. When Kristy and Mary Beth learned that what they remembered as childhood fun was actually Ronald’s nightmare, I could relate to how confused and guilty they felt and also their desire to fix things with Ronald. At the same time, Ronald was himself such a jerk that I couldn’t help but feel that he deserved to be miserable. Ronald gets his revenge by casting Kristy and Mary Beth in a commercial that he’s making for the student union. (Seeing as how he was a childhood friend of Mary Beth and Kristy’s, I’m assuming he’s a freshman at the University of Indiana. Are freshmen film students often hired to direct commercials?) He films Kristy and Mary Beth eating ice cream and then, in the commercial, he transposes their faces on two pigs. Not cool, Ronald! Seriously, what a jerk.

While Mary Beth and Kristy are potentially putting their lives in danger by spending time with the obviously sociopathic Ronald, the Tornadoes are looking forward to playing their next game. Their opponent is from Muncie, Indiana and no one expects the Tornadoes to lose. Despite Coach K’s warning about getting cocky, the Tornadoes do just that. Coach K even invites a pro basketball player to come to practice and tell the Tornadoes to never take victory for granted. Judging by how awkward and stiff the guy was while delivering his lines, I’m assuming he was a real-life player.

Of course, Coach K has a point. The Tornadoes have gotten extremely cocky, especially when you consider that they rarely seem to win a game by more than one point. When a local paper refers to them as being “the team of the decade,” the Tornadoes let it go to their head. (Really, shouldn’t the team of the decade occasionally win by more than a handful of points?) The game against Muncie is close but — well, you already know that this episode is entitled The Upset. Do I need to tell you that, this time, it’s Muncie that wins by one basket?

Humbled, The Tornadoes return home and are shocked to discover all of their fans waiting and cheering for them. Coach K says that he’s proud of the team. Michael gives a speech in which he promises to bring home the championship next season. Next season!? Are any of these people ever planning on graduating!?

I had mixed feelings about this episode. I liked the fact that the Tornadoes lost the big game because even a good team is going to lose a game or two. I thought that part of the episode was really well-directed, acted, and written. But all of the stuff with Ronald was just icky and it made me never want to apologize to anyone. Still, on the whole, this was a good episode with which to end the season.

Except, of course, there’s two more episodes to go in this season. We’ll look at them next week!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 7/9/23 — 7/15/23

Posted on July 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I devoted most of this week to movies so I didn’t really watch a lot of television. But here’s some thoughts on what I did watch!

All You Need Is Love (Nightflight Plus)

On Saturday morning, I watched the 2nd episode of this 70s docuseries about the history of rock and roll music. For the most part, the episode took place in Africa and featured interviews with African musicians who discussed how their traditional music was later transformed into both the blues and rock and roll. It was an interesting documentary. Needless to say, there was a lot of good music.

The Ashley Madison Affair (Hulu)

I watched this enjoyably tawdry docuseries on Monday morning. It was a bit too heavy on the talking heads. I mean, I’m not sure that I really needed to hear every single thought Sunny Hostin ever had on the Ashley Madison hack. But the visuals were often so over-the-top and literal-minded that it was impossible not to smile at how overwrought it all was.

City Guys (YouTube)

I wrote about City Guys here!

Diff’rent Strokes (YouTube)

Early Sunday morning, I watched a special episode of this 80s sitcom on YouTube. Arnold and his adopted sister Kimberly were kidnapped by a weirdo who tied-up Arnold and threatened to kill Kimberly. That was pretty creepy but what really made it bad was that this was a sitcom so there was a laugh track that just felt totally wrong for the episode. It reminded me a bit of David Lynch’s Rabbits.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

Fantasy Island has been removed from Tubi! Fortunately, quite a few episodes are available on YouTube but it still bothers me that I’m probably not going to be able to review every single episode for Retro Television Reviews now. Read my thoughts here!

Geraldo (YouTube)

I came across an episode of this 90s talk show on Saturday. In 1993, Geraldo Rivera interviewed “Girls In Hate Groups.” The girls were dating skinheads and Klansmen. The audience was full of people wearing Klan robes and National Socialist uniforms. It was thoroughly icky. Geraldo, I got the feeling, was more concerned with bringing in ratings than actually battling the forces of hate.

Gimme A Break (YouTube)

After he read this week’s review of Hang Time, my friend Mark suggested that I watch an episode of this 80s sitcom. The episode was called “Joey’s Hero” and it featured a 10 year-old Joey Lawrence discovering that his hero — a television host named Captain Jerk (played by Paul Williams) — was not only a real-life jerk but an outright racist as well! It was very 80s but I did smile at the fact that all of the co-stars of the Captain Jerk Show still wore their television costumes even when they went to visit Captain Jerk in the hospital.

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

On this 90s talk show, Jenny Jones gave polygraph tests to self-declared playas.

Lifestories: Families in Crisis

I watched an episode of the 90s HBO anthology show on Thursday. A young Ben Affleck played a high school football player who get hooked on steroids and went crazy.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

Read my thoughts on The Love Boat here!

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

Night Flight (NightFlight Plus)

I watched an episode of this 90s musical anthology show on Friday. Host Tom Juarez took a look at “eclectic female singers.” I was happy because they showed a video from Souixsie and the Banshees.

Pretty Baby: Brooke Shields (Hulu)

I watched this two-part docuseries on Sunday. The first part, which focused on the young Brooke Shields as a symbol and explored how the culture sexually objectifies women while also expecting us to remain chaste and innocent, was far more interesting than the second part, which got bogged down in people insisting that Shields was a better actress than she actually seems to be.

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold” and 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

Posted on July 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Horshack gets promoted and Julie finally leaves Gabe!

Episode 1.13 “Arrivederci, Arnold”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Malcolm Kotter. Malcolm was a traveling salesman who left an umbrella in his hotel room. When he went to retrieve the umbrella, he discovered the room was now occupied by a couple on their honeymoon. Listening to their coital exchange from out in the hallway, Malcolm shouted, “Listen, when you get to the little umbrella, it’s mine!” For once, Julie laughs at the joke.

At school, Mr. Woodman interrupts Gabe’s lesson on Thomas Edison to announce that Arnold Horshack has been doing so well in Gabe’s class that he is now eligible to attend regular classes. Gabe is excited because not only does he now feel like a good teacher but he also sees Horshack as a symbol that proves that even the most difficult of students can be taught. As for the other Sweathogs, they’re just confused.

Horshack, meanwhile, is miserable about going to a class without his friends and he’s even more upset when Gabe tells him that he should try to make new friends and fit in with the regular students. Horshack is so upset that he goes to Kotter’s apartment building and turns down the heat so that Gabe will leave the apartment to complain. With Gabe gone, Horshack slips in through the window and begs Julie (who seriously has the patience of a saint in this episode) to convince Gabe to “like me again.”

Awwwwwwwww!

Seriously, Horshack is a character about whom I usually have mixed feelings. Of all the Sweathogs, he’s always come across as being the most cartoonish. In fact, one could even say that Horshack’s a bit annoying. But, in this episode, Ron Pallilo really broke my heart with how he played Horshack’s desperation to return to his old class. He breaks Julie’s heart too and, after Horshack says that he’ll jump off the highest building in Brooklyn if he’s not returned to his old class (yikes!), Julie makes Gabe see the error of his ways.

How can the Sweathogs convince Mr. Woodman to put Horshack back in Kotter’s class? They put on a play for him, in which they all talk about how important Horshack is to them. Gabe plays the role of Horshack, just for the real thing to wander into the classroom and announce, “I don’t have a mustache.”

Woodman agrees to let Horshack be a Sweathog again. For the most part, I think Mr. Woodman just wanted to escape Gabe’s classroom and return to the safety of his office. I don’t blame him!

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the parrot that his cousin bought for his aunt. His aunt ate the parrot.

I felt bad for the parrot but otherwise, this was a sweet episode. I’m glad Horshack returned to where he belonged.

Episode 1.14 “The Longest Weekend”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 6th, 1976)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his aunt Esther, who has always dreamed of getting a singing telegram.

Because she feels like her life has gotten boring, Julie goes to Vermont for a weekend ski vacation. Gabe says that he’s not worried about her being away from him but then he has a conversation with Mr. Woodman in which Woodman tells Gabe about how his fiancée went to Vermont on a ski trip and never returned because she fell in love with a German ski instructor. Woodman says that, as far as he knows, his ex is currently living in the Alps with her husband, who is now pretending to be Swiss. So Mr. Woodman’s fiancée left him for a Nazi war criminal? No wonder Mr. Woodman seems to have so little faith in humanity!

Feeling lonely, Gabe invites the Sweathogs over to his apartment so that they can play poker. However, even the Sweathogs realize that this is a strange thing for a teacher to do with his students and they leave after playing just a few hands. Just as Gabe is about to go up to Vermont himself, Julie comes home early. Apparently, her friend Candy Lieberman was getting on her nerves by talking too much.

With Julie back from Vermont, Gabe tells her about his Uncle Sanford the lumberjack.

This was an odd episode. This show works best when it focuses on the school and not Gabe’s homelife. Other than giving the great John Sylvester White a chance to reveal a little more of just how damaged a person Mr. Woodman truly is, this episode was fairly forgettable.

Next week: The Sweathogs protest the new cafeteria menu! It’s time for a sit-in!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.10 “The Java Tiger”

Posted on July 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the action moves off the mainland!

Episode 1.10 “The Java Tiger”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on April 13th, 1984)

Max and McAllister go to Hawaii!

I have to admit that I was really excited about this episode, precisely because it did feature Max and McAllister heading to Hawaii. I love Hawaii. Some of my favorite memories come from the summer that me, my sisters and our mom spent in Hawaii. It doesn’t matter how bad a show or a movie may sound, I’ll give it a chance if it features the promise of Hawaii.

Unfortunately, this episode of The Master never really takes advantage of the beauty of the islands. In fact, other than for a few generic shots of Honolulu, it appears that this episode was filmed in California. About the only thing that says Hawaii about this episode are the shirts worn by the bad guys and the lei hanging around Max’s neck when he and McAllister check into their hotel.

Max and McAllister are in Hawaii because McAllister has received a letter from an old friend of his, a private investigator/treasure hunter named Leo Fairchild (Dick O’Neill). Just as with last week, one has to wonder how McAllister got the letter when he doesn’t have a fixed address and he’s supposedly been laying low in America to avoid getting track down by the ninjas who want him dead. As well, how does McAllister have all of these old friends in the United States and how do they all know that he’s a ninja? When the series started, the whole idea was that McAllister had been Japan since the end of World War II and that he had spent the majority of that time either being trained or training others. And yet, as of last week’s episode, McAllister is now suddenly a minor celebrity.

When Max and McAllister arrive in Japan, they meet Leo’s daughter, Shelly (Cynthia Cypert). Shelly tells Max and McAllister that her father was killed while searching for the location of a priceless statue, the fabled Java Tiger. Leo, she explains, was the only person in Hawaii to have a map leading to the tiger’s location. However, whoever killed Leo, stole half of the map. Now, if she’s going to fulfill her father’s dream, she needs to get that half of the map back. She’s pretty sure that Kruger (Kabir Bedi), a notorious and greedy practitioner of the martial arts, has the missing half. So, once again, it’s time for McAllister to put on his black uniform and break into a compound with Max! When things don’t go as well as Max and McAllister might have hoped, they’re saved by an old friend of McAllister’s….

As you may have guessed, Leo isn’t actually dead. He faked his own death so that McAllister would agree to help him find the Java Tiger. As Leo explains it, he needs McAllister to enter the cave where the Tiger is hidden because the cave is full of booby traps and McAllister, being a ninja, is the only man alive who can dodge falling rocks and darts. And, of course, time is of the essence because the cave is on an island that is also home to a volcano that is about to erupt.

This is what the volcano looks like:

To be honest, there’s something oddly charming about how fake the volcano looks. I was pretty annoyed that the episode didn’t have any pretty shot of Hawaii but, as soon as I saw that miniature, plaster volcano spewing smoke, I couldn’t help but smile.

McAllister, Max, Leo, and Shelly arrive at the island with Kruger’s men closely behind. With the volcano erupting all around them, they find the cave and eventually McAllister grabs the Java Tiger. But, when it appears that Kruger might be killed by a booby trap, McAllister drops the statue and saves the life of his enemy because McAllister is a man of honor. As a result, no one gets the tiger but McAllister stays true to his ideals.

To be honest, this episode was so silly that it was almost charming. Unfortunately, the usually reliable character actor Dick O’Neill gives an annoyingly mannered performance as Leo Fairchild, hamming it up and chewing every piece of scenery in sight. Leo is one of those characters who never stops talking and it’s hard not to get annoyed both the character and the actor playing him. In fact, so much time is devoted to Leo talking and talking that the episode almost feels like a pilot for a Leo Fairchild show. Who knows? Maybe it was. All I know is that the episode needed more Hawaii and less Leo.

This was a underwhelming week for The Master. There’s only three episodes left and Max and McAllister don’t seem to be any closer to finding Teri than when they started. Get to work, guys! You’re running out of time!