Mike Oldfield didn’t write Tubular Bells specifically for The Exorcist but it’s a song that works perfectly for the film. Oldfield’s song, which was rumored to have originally envisioned as being a Christmas instrumental, become an iconic horror them.
2021’s Willy’s Wonderland takes place in an dilapidated restaurant.
Back in the day, Willy’s Wonderland was the ideal place to go if you were young and celebrating your birthday. The animatronic mascots would sing “Happy birthday” and maybe meet your parents. Willy Weasel, Arty Alligator, Cammy Chameleon, Ozzie Ostrich, Tito Turtle, Knighty Knight, Gus Gorilla, and Siren Sara promised fun and cheesy entertainment to anyone looking for a nice family meal!
Unfortunately, people stopped going to Willy’s once it was discovered that the owner was a serial killer. Jerry Robert Willis (Grant Cramer) and his seven friends were cannibals who regularly sacrificed families. Eventually, the police caught up to him but, even under new ownership, no one wanted to eat at Willy’s. There were rumors that Willis and his friends had transferred their souls into the animatronic figures but surely, that could not have been true!
Right?
Nicolas Cage plays a man with no name. When his car breaks down, the local mechanic agrees to fix the car if the man agrees to spend the night as the janitor at Willy’s. Apparently, it’s been a struggle to keep a night janitor at the place. People find the location to be creepy and, of course, the animatronic mascots keep killing anyone dumb enough to try to mop the floors. Cage’s man with no name silently agrees. Everything that Cage does, he does without a word. This is one of the rare films where Nicolas Cage, usually a champion talker, says absolutely nothing.
Now, I should mention that there actually is a plot to Willy’s Wonderland. Liv (Emily Tosta) and her friends are trying to burn the place down because, years ago, Liv’s parents were murdered by the mascots. Unfortunately, Liv and her friends aren’t that smart and they end up trapped in Willy’s Wonderland. The majority of them quickly fall victim to the mascots. The deaths are appropriately gruesome, though tinged with the dark humor that would come from essentially being killed by a knock-off version of Chuck E. Cheese.
But really, the plot isn’t important. This film is entirely about Nicolas Cage, playing a man with no name. Cage takes the janitorial job and, over the course of the night, he battles the mascots. At the same time, he also makes it a point to continue to do his job. Besieged or not, he agreed to clean the place up. He takes his breaks and plays pinball exactly as scheduled, even if that means abandoning Liv and her friends. Normally, you might think that this would be bad behavior on the part of Cage’s character. Abandoning someone in the middle of a battle is not usually encouraged. But Liv and her friends are very annoying. Cage is ultimately the hero by default. Yes, he’s fighting and killing the mascots but he’s really only doing it because they’re getting in his way while he’s trying to do his job. The fact that he helps out Liv is largely coincidental.
Willy’s Wonderland proves that Cage doesn’t need a lot of lines to be the center of a film. Even without speaking, he’s such a wonderfully eccentric presence that you can’t help but watch him and cheer him on. Admittedly, Willy’s Wonderland is never that scary, though the “Happy Birthday” song is definitely creepy. The mascots are a bit too cartoonish to be truly frightening. But, if the film doesn’t really work as a horror film, it does work as an adrenaline-fueled Cage match. And that’s nearly as good.
In the creepy 1974 film, Peter Graves plays a father who goes on a camping trip with his two teenage children (one of whom is played by Kathleen Quinlan). A sudden earthquake and a solar flare causes the trio to try to return to civilization, where they discover that almost everyone has been reduced to a powdery substance and there are only a few crazed survivors. They try to make their way back to their home in Malibu, facing danger at every leg of their journey.
(It’s almost a low-budget and far more dramatic version of Night of the Comet.)
Effective despite its made-for-TV origins, Where Have All The People Gone? was obviously mean to serve as a pilot for a television series. The series didn’t happen but, even with a somewhat open-ended conclusion, the movie still works.
In 2010’s Holyman Undercover, David A.R. White plays Roy. Roy is an 18 year-old Amish dude from Kansas. It’s time for him to experience Rumspringa, a period in which he can live life amongst “the English” and decide whether or not he wants to commit to being Amish. Roy decides to go Los Angeles so he can track down his uncle and work with him as a missionary.
Roy struggles in Los Angeles. Giving money to one homeless man leads to him nearly getting mugged. When he meets his uncle, he discovers that Brian (also played by David A.R. White) is now a struggling actor who has a taste for cocaine. (Brian claims that he’s a holyman working undercover.) Accompanying Brian to an audition leads to Roy getting cast as Satan on a primetime soap opera. His wife is played by vapid supermodel Tiffany Towers (Jennifer Lyons). Meanwhile, the show’s producer is a former country girl named Annie (Andrea Logan White) and soon, Roy is having fantasies about Annie dressing up like an Amish woman and dancing in a field with him. However, the head of the network (Fred Willard) wants Roy to date Tiffany because it’ll be good publicity for the show.
Throughout it all, Roy remains innocent and confused about the modern world. He’s never watched television. He doesn’t know how to use a phone. He doesn’t understand what a credit card is. He’s earnest and honest to a fault and, even after Tiffany makes out with him, he continues to insist that he only has eyes for Annie.
Of course, in reality, I imagine that the typical Amish person knows how to use a phone. I imagine that they probably also know what a television is and they probably even understand that you’re expected to pay your credit card debt. The Amish may choose to reject a good deal of the modern world but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know what the modern world is. But this film isn’t meant to be a realistic portrayal of the Amish or of Hollywood or of really anything.
Indeed, I’m not really sure what to make of this film. It’s faith-based and it ends with Roy delivering a simple message about loving others but the film’s humor is often rather mean-spirited and there’s several jokes that are more than a little racist and homophobic. (Japanese tourists take pictures while shouting, “Godzilla!” When Brian ends up in jail, his cellmate is a hulking black man who says his name is Beef because “it’s what’s for dinner.”) David A.R. White is not bad as Roy but his performance as Brian is incredibly shrill and there’s really no reason, beyond ego, for director White to have cast himself in both roles.
Probably the best thing that one can say about the film is that the name actors — Fred Willard, Clint Howard, Edie McClurg, and Staci Keanan — all manage to survive with their dignity intact. Indeed, the highlight of the film is, believe it or not, John Schneider earnestly playing himself as the actor who replaces Roy as Satan and who then promptly launches a presidential campaign. “The country’s going to Hell anyway!” he says, with just the right amount of self-awareness.
Interestingly enough, the film does end with one particularly prophetic scene, as Roy and Annie leave Hollywood to produce an Amish dating show. Tiffany moves with them to the farm and a group of Amish men compete for her hand in marriage. Farmer Wants A Wife, anyone?
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.
Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through….
Episode 1.9 “Coming of Age”
(Dir by Bruce MacDonald, originally aired on Mary 13th, 2002)
Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s slogan used to be “Degrassi goes there!” and that’s certainly the case with this week’s episode. Emma goes from being irrationally annoyed by Sean and Manny to crying while watching a documentary about space. Spike decides to cheer her up by taking her to the mall. After Spike tells off a random man who makes a misogynistic comment (Go Spike!), she buys Emma a new white skirt to help her get over her depression.
(Awww! My mom used to do the same thing for me whenever I was depressed.)
The next day, Emma wears that cute, bright white skirt to school.
And gets her first period.
This episode is a good reminder of why you never wear white when your period is coming. It’s also a good reminder that your period is nothing to be ashamed of, which is something that we shouldn’t have to be reminded of but, unfortunately, we sometimes do. When Emma delivers her book report while wearing oversized gym shorts, JT makes a dumb comment asking if Emma had an accident. Emma replies that “No, I just got my period for the first time …. it happens to 50% of the population. Perfectly natural, nothing to be ashamed of.” Woo hoo! You tell ’em, Emma! And seriously, go to Hell, JT. No wonder you’re going to end up dying in another 5 seasons.
Seriously, Emma’s character usually annoys me to death (and, in later episodes, you’ll see why) but she rocks in this episode. But you know who is really cool in this episode? Paige, who comes to Emma’s rescue with a pad and assures her that coming of age is no big deal.
As for the other storyline …. eh. It’s another boring Ashley/Jimmy storyline. Jimmy’s parents are professionals who are too busy working to make dinner for their son. So, Jimmy has been hanging out at Ashley’s house. Ashley gets tired of her boyfriend always being around. When Toby overhears Ashley whining to her mother about Jimmy always being at the house, he tells Jimmy.
Did I mention that it’s Jimmy’s birthday?
Long story short, Jimmy breaks up with Ashley and ends up spending his birthday alone, eating pizza. Oh my God! That’s so sad! Seriously, couldn’t he at least have gotten Spinner to come over and split a Ritalin with him? But, the next day, he and Ashley get back together. This will be a recurring theme through Jimmy and Ashley’s time on Degrassi so get ready for a lot of break-ups and make-ups.
(I still found it funny that part of Ashley’s issue with Jimmy hanging out at the house was that he was bonding with Toby. I can only imagine how Toby feels about having Terri basically living in the room next to his. This season, it’s hard not to notice that Terri is always following Ashley around. Eventually, in the third season, Terri will get a boyfriend and a life outside of being Ashley and Paige’s servant. Unfortunately, Terri’s boyfriend will eventually end up leaving her with serious brain damage before shooting Jimmy in the back….)
And remember — Degrassi goes there!
Since we’ve been talking about werewolves today, I decided to take a one-night break from Hammer House of Horror and share this Halloween-themed episode of Highway to Heaven. Michael Landon recreates his role as the Teenage Werewolf and scares Mark half to death. He also helps a kid play some tricks and get some treats.
This originally aired on October 28th, 1987. The series was a bit silly but this episode is kind of fun. Keep an eye out for Michael Berryman!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC! It can be viewed on Peacock.
This week, Kellerman and Lewis head to a motel.
Episode 4.10 “Full Moon”
(Directed by Leslie Libman and Larry Williams, originally aired on April 5th, 1996)
If you go back and look over my reviews of Homicide, you might notice that the dates don’t always add up. Last week’s episode aired at the start of January of 1996. This week’s episode aired in April. That’s because, when this show originally aired on NBC, the network did not adhere to the production order. For instance, the show’s producers intended for Blue Moon to be the 10th episode of season 4. NBC, however, decided to air it later in the season, as the 17th episode.. For the purposes of these reviews, I am following the production order as opposed to NBC’s order.
(Production order is also the order the was used when Homicide was released on DVD,)
As for this episode, it’s a bit of a change of pace. For one thing, the episode centers on Lewis and Kellerman, with some assistance from John Munch. The rest of the squad goes unseen as Lewis and Kellerman investigate a murder at a cheap motel on the outskirts of the Baltimore city limits. As a result, the vibe of this episode is a bit less intense than the Pembleton/Bayliss episodes. Lewis and Kellerman were far different detectives from Pembleton and Bayliss. Whereas Pembleton and, at times, Bayliss often seemed to be on a holy crusade, Lewis and Kellerman were just doing their job.
That works for this episode, which is really more of a mood piece than a typical detective show. An ex-con is shot and killed at a motel. Lewis and Kellerman investigate the crime and meet the collection of eccentrics who work and live at the motel. A large family of illegal immigrants lives in one small room. A prostitute swims naked in the pool. (Of course, Kellerman finds time to talk to her.) The motel night clerk is studying for a better life. The Reverend Horton Heat appears as a preacher. The victim’s next door neighbor is an ex-con who stays at the motel because it feels like a prison. This episode is full of slow and moody images and it’s far more of an examination of life on the fringes than a standard episode of Homicide.
Lewis does talk about his youth, growing up in the projects of Baltimore. At the end of the show, he watches as the apartment building where he grew up is destroyed by controlled demolition. The watching crowd cheers. Lewis says, “Wow,” and then grabs a brick. Meanwhile, the desperate characters at the motel go on with their eccentric lives.
This episode was a welcome change-of-pace, a noirish mood piece that showcased the teamwork of Clark Johnson and Reed Diamond as Lewis and Kellerman. After the intensity of the sniper storyline, it was nice to just sit under the moon and watch things unfold.
by Erin Nicole
Today’s song of the day is one that was used so memorably in An American Werewolf In London. From Creedence Clearwater Revival, here is Bad Moon Rising.
Bad Moon Rising
I see a bad moon rising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightning.
I see bad times today.
Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
I hear hurricanes a-blowin’.
I know the end is comin’ soon.
I feel rivers overflowin’.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.
Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Alright!
Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like we’re in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.
Well, don’t go round tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Don’t come around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
Future serious actor Robert Vaughn made his film debut in 1958’s Teenage Caveman. Directed by Roger Corman, Teenage Caveman tells the story of a rebellious young man (that’s Robert Vaughn) who chooses to defy his father’s warnings and venture beyond the caves and into “the forbidden zone.” He’s told that monsters roam in the forbidden zone and indeed, at least one of them does. However, neither the Teenage Caveman nor his father are prepared for what lies at the heart of the forbidden zone.
(What will he find out there, Dr. Zaius?)
Robert Vaughn later said that, out of all the bad films that he made, this was the worst. Personally, I think he was being a bit too hard on the film. It’s not good but it is definitely fun. Along with watching all of the dinosaur stock footage, you get to wonder how a caveman — especially a teenage caveman! — could possibly have such perfect hair. Even more importantly, if you stick with it, this film has a twist ending that has to be seen to be believed.
Here is Teenage Caveman:
RIP, Diane Keaton.
Through the Shattered Lens