Spring Break on the Lens: Laserblast (dir by Michael Rae)

Posted on March 14, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Before I say anything else, I should admit that I fully understand why some of you are going to say that the 1978 science fiction film, Laserblast, is not a spring break film.

First off, it takes place not on the beach but in the desert. There is a scene that takes place at a pool but it’s one of those cheap pools that all of the desert towns have.

Secondly, the film itself doesn’t take place during the spring. It takes place during the summer, when the sun is bright and harsh. The teenagers in the film might not be in school but that’s just because it’s their summer vacation.

I get it.

But, as far as I’m concerned, Laserblast is spiritually a spring break film, even if it isn’t technically one. I mean, just look at the film’s hero, Billy. As played by the very handsome Kim Milford, Billy is a mellow guy with blonde hair, stoned eyes, and the attitude of someone who can say, “Right on!” and make you believe that everything will be right and on. Billy even drives a totally 70s van. Everything about Billy and his girlfriend, Kathy Farley (Rainbeaux Smith), screams Malibu. Even in the desert and in the summer, they are the ideal spring break couple.

Billy, of course, gets in some trouble over the course of the film. He stumbles across a space gun in the desert. Billy doesn’t know what we know, that the space gun was accidentally left there by two adorable claymation aliens who previously visited Earth so that they could kill the gun’s owner. Billy just thinks it’s a cool gun. Soon, Billy is blowing up the town and turning into a green-skinned monster. Billy even blows up a sign that’s advertising Star Wars, which is made doubly interesting by how much Kim Milford resembles Mark Hamill. (The same year that Laserblast came out, Hamill and Milford acted opposite each other in Corvette Summer, with Milford’s mellow confidence providing a nice counter to Hamill’s somewhat hyperactive earnestness.) Much like a drunk spring breaker who ends up vomiting into the ocean, Billy has found something that he enjoys and he’s allowing it to take over his life. The space gun represents every vice and addiction that’s out there to tempt people into risking their lives and their sanity and their totally 70s van. (We don’t see much of the inside of the van but I’m willing to bet that it has shag carpeting and a strobe light.) The spring breakers in The Real Cancun spent their week drinking themselves into a stupor. Billy, on the other hand, spends a week blowing stuff up and turning into a monster. Of course, that’s the great thing about spring break. How you spend your time is your business.

Laserblast is a low-budget film, one that is often listed as being one of the worst films ever made. Myself, I love the film because I think the aliens are cute and I enjoy Kim Milford’s performance as Billy. Actually, for a film that didn’t cost much to make, Laserblast has a surprisingly impressive cast. Technically, it’s not a shock to see Roddy McDowall in the film, since McDowall apparently accepted every role that he was offered in the 70s. But Roddy’s trademark neurotic eccentricity is still welcome in the small role of Billy’s doctor. The great character actor Dennis Burkley shows up as a fascist deputy. Gianni Russo, who played Carlo Rizzi in The Godfather, plays a government agent who shows up from out of nowhere and who wears a cream-colored suit that makes him look like a wedding DJ. Keenan Wynn, who also apparently accepted any role he was offered in the 70s, plays Rainbeaux Smith’s drunk grandfather. Best of all, Eddie Deezen, who was best known for playing stereotypical nerd characters in films like Grease, shows up as a bully named Froggy! After getting bullied by Eddie Deezen, who wouldn’t pick up the first space gun they found and start blasting rocks?

Laserblast is fun, just like spring break. I like it, just like spring break. So does Arleigh so be sure to check out his review, as well!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television — 3/6/22 — 3/12/22

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s a few thoughts on what I watched this week!

Allo Allo (Sunday Night, PBS)

The Resistance was finally able to smuggle the Enigma machine out of Rene’s Cafe. The effort, of course, led to lot of costume changes and many scenes of Rene rolling his eyes in exasperation. But the important thing is that the plan worked and Michelle had to “say this only once.”

American Idol (Sunday Night, ABC)

The judges were in Nashville and almost everyone who auditioned wanted to be country music star. It got kind of boring. A former Miss America auditioned and Katy tried to steal her crown. That was pretty cool. I relate to Katy Perry far more than I relate to Taylor Swift. Eventually, one girl sang while playing the piano and was declared to be the industry’s next big superstar so I guess the show’s over now. Oh well.

Baywatch Hawaii (Prime)

I finally decided to return to my Baywatch Hawaii binge after taking about two months off. To be honest, the only reason why I returned is because I’m a completist and it’s hard for me to abandon anything. It’s certainly not because this show is particularly good or anything like that. There’s a reason why, after months of watching, I’m still struggling to finish up the first season.

Sunday morning, I got things started with an episode in which Jason was sent to the Big Island of Hawaii, where he got in touch with his native heritage by making his own canoe. A grumpy old man assisted him. Seriously, that was the entire episode. This was followed by an episode in which Sean and Jenna teamed up to rescue a few people and to argue about whether or not it was even necessary for the Baywatch Hawaii training facility to even exist. Sean thought it was necessary, which makes sense when you consider that he would be out of a job otherwise. Jenna felt it was a waste of money. Despite being attracted to each other, Sean and Jenna fought and fought. Despite being first-billed in the credits, David Hasselhoff was nowhere to be seen in either of these episodes.

Later that evening, I watched the next episode, which didn’t really have a plot beyond Kekoa and Dawn having a crush on Sean and Jason and JD trying to hit on every woman they saw. This episode basically felt like it had been put together out of scenes that had been edited out of previous episodes. Perhaps it was. Again …. no Hasselhoff!

And, for the rest of the week, I kind of forgot about the show. So, I guess I’ll get back to binging it tomorrow.

The Brady Bunch (Sunday Morning, MeTV)

On Sunday, I was too congested to change the channel so I lay on the couch and I was tortured by the Bradys. The Brady kid fought over a clubhouse. The Brady Kids fought over trading stamps. The Brady Kids fought over a lost wallet. The Brady Kids fought over feminism. The Brady Kids spent a lot of time fighting. I blame the parents.

Court Cam (Wednesday, A&E)

Court Cam has finally produced some new episodes and, as a result, I was shocked to actually see some new footage on Wednesday. For instance, I saw the Naked Cowboy getting detained in Daytona. Court Cam remains an odd show to me, largely because of how worshipful it is of the legal system. The judges are portrayed as being modern day super heroes, quick to exercise their power to find anyone in contempt. The unquestioning embrace of the court system is, overall, probably not a good thing but that’s the way of the world nowadays. My inner libertarian will always have a hard time accepting it, though.

The Dropout (Hulu)

I wrote about the latest episode of The Dropout here!

Full House (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

MeTV is currently showing episodes from the first season of Full House. I watched four on Sunday. Every episode has a sort of bizarre train wreck appeal to it, never more so than when Uncle Jesse gets as serious storyline. First, Stephanie cut Jesse’s hair while Jesse was sleeping so Jesse had to go get a real haircut and this led to him crashing his motorcycle and breaking both his arms. Then, Jesse decided that he would rather pursue music with his dorky band than work in the family garage. Jesse’s father was not happy about this but Uncle Jesse was like 40 years old so who cares?

Meanwhile, on another episode, Danny was hired to co-anchor a talk show with Becky (Lori Loughlin). I believe this was Loughlin’s first appearance on the show but she didn’t share any scenes with Jesse. In fact, it almost seemed as if the show was trying to set her up as a future girlfriend for Danny. While this was going on, DJ threw a party and had to kick out several of her guests when they started drinking beer. Fortunately, in the next episode, she got a horse to make up for losing all of her friends.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

Ripped from the headlines! This week’s Law & Order was based on the Gabby Petito case and took a look at the difficulty of solving crimes and getting convictions in the social media era. It wasn’t a bad episode but I still don’t know how I felt about it or this revival overall. The episode was so obviously based on the Petito case that it actually felt a bit exploitive. I mean, I doubt Gabby’s parents took much comfort from the fact that their daughter’s death inspired a TV show.

The Love Boat (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

On today’s cruise: Willie Aames, Morey Amsterdam, Richard Deacon, Elaine Joyce, Susan Lucci, Rose Marie, Michelle Phillips, Tristan Rogers, and Jerry Van Dyke! That’s quite a lineup! Willie Aames thought he could steal Dr. Bricker’s girlfriend! A psychiatrist tried to take a vacation from his therapy group but the group decided to tag along! And, best of all, Susan Lucci played a soap opera writer who fell for Tristan Rogers. This was a cruise to remember!

The Office (Sunday Afternoon, Comedy Central)

I watched the two-part season three finale on Sunday. Jim, Karen, and Michael all went up to New York to interview for a corporate position. Michael withdrew when he realized that Jan was going to get fired. Karen showed zero sympathy for Jan so Jim apparently abandoned her in New York and drove back to Scranton so he could ask Pam out on a date. And, of course, Ryan got the job.

Open All Hours (Sunday Night, PBS)

Arkwright and Granville pursued a mouse that had invaded the store. Arkwright continued to obsess on Nurse Gladys Emmanuel. It’s odd that this show apparently ran for 10 years, despite producing only 20 or so episodes.

Pam & Tommy (Hulu)

I reviewed the finale of Pam & Tommy here!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I reviewed the season premiere of Survivor here!

Talking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

Yay! Talking Dead has returned to the studio. This week’s episode was pretty good, as any episode featuring Chris interviewing Josh McDermitt tends to be. It was also nice to see the return of Michael Cudlitz to the interview couch.

The Walking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

I reviewed the latest episode of The Walking Dead here!

TV Review: The Walking Dead 11.11 “Rogue Element” (dir by Michael Cudlitz)

Posted on March 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Whatever else you may or may want to say about The Walking Dead, you’ve got to love Josh McDermitt and his performance as Eugene Porter.

Eugene has consistently been one of the most interesting characters on this show. He’s gone from being an untrustworthy coward to being one of the strongest people on the show. He’s also gone from being the weirdo who made your skin crawl to being the weirdo who you secretly hope will find everything that he’s looking for. The fact of the matter is that, if there was an actual zombie apocalypse, the majority of the survivors wouldn’t be Darryl or Morgan or Carol or Michonne. The majority would be people like Eugene, people who survive through luck and who still hope to find some sort of normalcy. There’s something very touching about the fact that, even in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, Eugene is writing a science fiction novel.

There were a few plotlines playing out in this week’s episode of The Walking Dead. The two reporters tried to investigate what led to Tyler snapping at the Masquerade Ball. Mercer walked around and glowered in his threatening way. Lance took Carol out to the opium camp and made an effort to win her loyalty for the Commonwealth. (At some point, people will learn to stop trying to recruit Carol to their pet causes.) But the episode’s heart was with Eugene and his attempts to discover what had happened to Stephanie. And that’s really were it should have been. Against all odds, Eugene has emerged as the show’s symbol for every person who is trying to survive the zombie apocalypse without surrendering their emotions and their humanity. Back when Eugene first appeared on the show and was lying about being a scientist, who could have guessed that he would still be around? Who would have guessed that he would have outlasted not only Rick but also Carl? Eugene survives.

This episode was directed by Michael Cudlitz, who previously played Abraham on the show. (You may remember that Abraham was murdered by Negan. It was kind of unfair, I thought, that Abraham was sacrificed in order to make it even more shocking when Negan then killed Glenn but that’s The Walking Dead for you. It’s cold world.) Cudlitz brought a lot of noir style to this episode. I especially liked the scene at the end, with Eugene huddled in that dark alley, burning his dreams, while Max emerged from the shadows and introduced herself as being the real Stephanie. If nothing else, this scene showed that The Walking Dead can create an haunting atmosphere, even without using walkers and blood.

The episode was, of course, dominated by Josh McDermitt’s poignant performance as Eugene but I also liked Paola Lazaro’s work as Princess. She and McDermitt make a good team, as do Eugene and Princess. Josh Hamilton continues to do great work as Lance Hornsby. His rather casual dismissal of Eugene’s outrage was one of the episode’s highlights and it brought up an interesting point. Everyone knows the Commonwealth is corrupt but everyone also knows that they’re safer in the Commonwealth than outside of it. People will accept a lot when it comes to staying safe.

Though it took me a few days to find the time to watch it, this was a good episode. I look forward to seeing what happens next!

Spring Break On The Lens: Aileen Wournos: American Boogeywoman (dir by Daniel Farrands)

Posted on March 11, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 2021’s Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman, Peyton List stars at Aileen, who prefers to be called Lee. Lee has fled an unpleasant and abusive home in Michigan and she has made her way down to Florida. With no money and no formal education, she’s been forced to make a living as a truck stop prostitute. However, on July 4th, 1976, she happens to stumble across a party on the beach. She befriends Jennifer (Lydia Hearst), who invites Lee to stay at her beach house. Though Lee quickly overstays her welcome, she does meet Jennifer’s widowed father, Lewis Fell (Tobin Bell). Lewis is enchanted by Lee’s crude but enthusiastic personality. Lee is enchanted by Lewis’s money. Soon, they’re married. But when Lewis’s daughter and friends start to dig into Lee’s mysterious past, Lee resorts to murder to protect her secrets.

The idea of making a movie about future serial killer Aileen Wournos hanging out around the Florida beach and marrying the kindly president of a yacht club may sound like an unlikely one but when has that ever stopped anyone? Oddly enough, American Boogeywoman is loosely based on the truth. Before she became the fraggle-toothed serial killer who was immortalized in two Nick Broomfield documentaries and by Charlize Theron in Monster, Aileen Wournos was briefly married to a yacht club president named Lewis Fell. The marriage was even announced in the society pages. Of course, the marriage didn’t last long. Aileen was accused of striking Lewis with his own cane and the two of them ended up getting a divorce. That said, it would appear that the majority of American Boogeywoman was fictionalized. Aileen was never accused of murdering anyone before she started the killing spree that eventually landed her on Florida’s crowded death row. In the film, Aileen also claims to have murdered her own brother after he suddenly turned up in a cheap Florida motel and demanded money. In real life, Aileen’s brother died in Michigan, long after Aileen had cut off contact with her family.

The film opens with Aileen already on death row, talking to a documentarian about her marriage. Occasionally, throughout the film, the documentarian will interrupt Aileen’s story and he’ll point out that what she’s saying doesn’t really make sense. (For instance, he points out that there’s no way that Aileen’s brother could have died in both Florida and Michigan.) For the most part, Aileen shrugs off his comments but the character of the documentarian is an important one. His character serves to comment on the strange nature of fame and crime in America. Aileen Wournos may be an unbalanced killer but she’s also a celebrity. She’s enough of a celebrity, the film tells us, that even after her death, two films will be made about her. One of those films will win an Oscar. The other film will be American Boogeywoman. At its heart, American Boogeywoman is an examination of the morbid streak that secretly runs through American culture. As such, it is slightly more interesting than the typical serial killer exploitation film.

American Boogeywoman was directed by Daniel Farrands, who has recently made a career out of directing somewhat distasteful true crime thrillers. His most famous film, The Haunting of Sharon Tate, is surprisingly effective. His worst film, The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, is perhaps one of the most offensive films made over the past decade. Farrands is not a bad director but his choice in material will always be problematic for many viewers. American Boogeywoman is one of his better films, if just because it has enough self-awareness to realize how ludicrous it all is.

Music Video of the Day: My Love by Florence + The Machine (2022, dir by Autumn de Wilde)

Posted on March 11, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s music video of the day, we have another atmospheric and rather ominous new video from Florence + The Machine.

Enjoy!

I always able to write my way out
The song always made sense to me
Now I find that when I look down
Every page is empty
There is nothing to describe
Except the moon still bright against the worrying sky
I pray the trees will get their leaves soon
So tell me where to put my love
Do I wait for time to do what it does
I don’t know where to put my love
And when it came,
it was stranger than I had ever imagined
No cracking open of heaven
But quiet and still
All my friends are getting ill
So tell me where to put my love
Do I wait for time to do what it does
I don’t know where to put my love
So tell me where to put my love
Do I wait for time to do what it does
I don’t know where to put my love
My arms emptied, the skies emptied
The billboards emptied
My arms emptied, the skies emptied
The buildings emptied
So tell me where to put my love
Do I wait for time to do what it does
I don’t know where to put my love
My arms emptied, the skies emptied
The billboards emptied
My arms emptied the skies emptied
The buildings emptied

TV Review: The Dropout 1.4 “Old White Men” (dir by Michael Showalter)

Posted on March 10, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

If the first three episodes of Hulu’s The Dropout occasionally seemed as if they might be a bit too sympathetic to Elizabeth Holmes (played, brilliantly so far, by Amanda Seyfried), the fourth episode presented us with Elizabeth in full supervillian mode.

Gone was the socially awkward but well-meaning Elizabeth. Now speaking with her trademark deep voice, wearing her black turtlenecks, and possessing the wide-eyed stare of someone who rarely blinks, Elizabeth spent the fourth episode conning Walgreens into investing in her worthless blood testing machine. When she wasn’t manipulating the Walgreens execs, she was coldly firing poor Ian Gibbons (Stephen Fry) and only bringing him back after the rest of the lab team threatened to quit in protest. Of course, it wasn’t Elizabeth who placed the call to Ian and asked him to return. It was Sunny (Naveen Andrews) and, when Ian returned, he was taken out of the lab and given a desk job.

Yes, it quickly became obvious that Theranos had changed a lot since the previous episode. Security was everywhere, befitting a company that claimed to have come up with revolutionary technology. People in different departments were not allowed to talk to each other. The earnest and free-wheeling atmosphere had been replaced by a slick but curiously impersonal office. Even the quote from Yoda now felt out of place. Yoda would have been fired for asking too many questions.

Of course, the majority of the episode dealt with Elizabeth and Sunny’s attempts to sell their “wellness center” concept to Walgreens. It was an obvious con but the Walgreens execs eventually fell for it. One of them, Jay Rosen (Alan Ruck), fell victim to Elizabeth’s flattery and a belief that Elizabeth represented the future. (In a rather endearing scene, Jay compared Elizabeth to a Katy Perry song.) Another exec, Wade Miquelon (Josh Pais), initially understood that Theranos’s claims were too good to be true but, ultimately, he set aside his concerns when it appeared that Theranos might make a profitable deal with CVS instead. Only Kevin Hunter (Rich Sommer) was able to see through Theranos and, ultimately, his concerns were ignored. Ruck, Pais, and Sommer were all wonderfully cast and they all did a good job of showing how Elizabeth, Sunny, and Theranos were able to con so many people who should have known better. By the end of the episode, Elizabeth has tricked former Secretary of State George Shultz (Sam Waterston, radiating gravitas as only he can) into joining the Board of Directors. While the Walgreens corporate leaders performed an endearingly dorky version of What I Like About You, Kevin Hunter curiously looked at the Edison blood testing machine and Elizabeth coldly looked at him.

After being so disappointed with both Inventing Anna and Pam & Tommy, I resolved to be a little bit more cautious when it comes to overpraising the early episodes of The Dropout. And I do think you could probably make the argument that devoting an entire episode to Walgreens is an example of how a miniseries will occasionally drag a story out and will devote an entire episode to something that could have been handled with just one five-to-ten minute scene. But, when you’ve got a cast this good and writing this sharp, it almost doesn’t matter. Director Michael Showalter did a wonderful job of balancing the cringey humor of the Walgreens plotline with the more emotional moments in which Ian Gibbons dealt with his frustrations over the direction in which Sunny and Elizabeth took Theranos. Even if you don’t already know the details about what ultimately happened to Ian Gibbons, Stephen Fry’s performance will still break you heart. Fry plays Gibbons as a man who, despite advancing age and poor health, refuses to surrender his idealism. That makes him a good scientist but also the perfect victim for Elizabeth and Sunny’s syle of manipulation.

Old White Men was a well-done episode, perhaps one of the best that I’ve seen so far this year. I look forward to seeing where the show takes us next week.

TV Review 1.8 Pam & Tommy “Seattle” (dir by Gwyneth Horder-Payton)

Posted on March 9, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Pam & Tommy comes to an end, not with a hard bang but instead with a flaccid whimper.

The final episode of Pam & Tommy opened with Seth Rogen’s Rand Gauthier wandering around with a pained expression on his face. Apparently, this was the one thing that Rand was good at. Rand has been beating up people who owe Butchie money but it’s starting to trouble him. Rand believes in karma and thinks that being a glorified mob enforcer will turn karma against him. Or maybe being a glorified mob enforcer is karma’s way of punishing Rand for stealing a sex tape and trying to sell it online in the first place. It’s hard to say. All I know is that there was way too much Rand and way too much karma talk for me. The show may be based on what Rand claims actually happened to him but the idea of Rand, with his mom jeans and his mullet, becoming a feared debt collector is simply a bit too much. Perhaps because he was just as sick of listening to Rand whine as the rest of us, Butchie offered to let Rand off the hook if Rand would simply pay him $10,000. Rand, of course, doesn’t have $10,000, despite being responsible for coming up with the most profitable and lucrative use of the internet ever. Loser!

Meanwhile, Tommy attempts to make a musical comeback by imitating the 90s Seattle sound while an actual resident of Seattle, Seth Warshovsky (Fred Hechinger), offers to buy the rights to Pam and Tommy’s sex tape. On the one hand, selling the rights to Warshovsky will allow Warshovsky to sue anyone who is distributing and making money off of bootlegged copies. On the other hand, it will also lead people to assume that Pam and Tommy were behind the video’s initial release. Pam wants to do it. Tommy refuses. Their marriage starts to crumble. The episode insinuates that the tape caused Pam to miss out on opportunities to appear in both L.A. Confidential and Austin Powers which …. yeah. I’m honestly going to say that, as far as Pam not becoming a movie star and losing roles to Kim Basinger and Elizabeth Hurley, there may have been factors in play other than the sex tape and hypocritical American puritanism. One can sympathize with what Pam went through while also still being honest about the fact that she was never a particularly good actress. If anything, her talent and persona were perfect for television.

After 8 hours, the finale of Pam & Tommy didn’t add up too much. We start to see that Pam is getting sick of Tommy’s immaturity and that Tommy can’t control his temper, even around Pam. But it’s not until the end title cards that we’re informed that Pam and Tommy divorced after Tommy was arrested and did jail time for spousal abuse. (We’re also told that both Pam and Tommy consider each other but the love of their lives, which is kind of a bold statement to make when neither Pam nor Tommy had anything to do with the production of Pam & Tommy.) Seth Warshovsky pays Rand a total of $10,000 for the original copy of the sex tape and then goes on to make several million dollars off of it. Rand considers using the money to settle his debt with Butchie but instead he gives the money to his ex-wife because that’s what karma would want him to do. (One has to wonder if anyone involved with Pam & Tommy ever watched a little show called My Name Is Earl.) Those helpful title cards inform us that Rand moved to North California and now works as a marijuana grower and that he still struggles to get people to believe that he’s the man who actually stole the tape. It doesn’t mention whether he did anything about his hair.

The main problem with Pam & Tommy is that the story itself just wasn’t interesting enough to demand 8 hours of screen time. The second biggest problem, and this is a problem with a lot of streaming miniseries, is that the show itself never really settled on a consistent tone. Was it a drama or was it a live action cartoon? The show couldn’t seem to make up its mind. Themes were raised and then abandoned, as if the show itself was desperately trying to justify its existence. Lily James gave a good performance as Pam. Sebastin Stan has a few good moments as Tommy Lee. Seth Rogen, Taylor Schilling, Andrew “Dice” Clay, and Nick Offerman all gave their characters one-note interpretations that didn’t add up too much. Considering the talent involved, it’s all a bit of a shame.

Oh well. It’s over now.

Spring Break on the Lens: You Get Me (dir by Brent Bonacorso)

Posted on March 9, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ah, the beach.

The beach is a beautiful and fun place and the perfect location to celebrate a spring or summer break. But beware of getting carried away with your youthful revelries because it can lead to complications that will follow you into the fall. And those complications can be deadly….

BLEH!

Okay, sorry for all the drama. I’m just trying to make myself feel some sort of enthusiasm for reviewing the 2017 Netflix film, You Get Me. You Get Me is technically not a spring break movie but it does take place on the beach and it does feature a moderate amount of drinking, drug-taking, and partying so, it’s close enough. It also features a cast of 20-something actors cast as high school students. Some are more believable than others.

Basically, dumb and dull teenager Tyler (Taylor John Smith) is having the best summer of his life because he has a girlfriend named Ali (Halston Sage), who he is totally in love with. (Ali could probably do better but whatever. Everyone makes mistakes in high school.) Tyler is also frustrated because Ali wants to wait before having sex with him and she also doesn’t understand why Tyler has been so hesitant to introduce her to his dysfunctional family. When Tyler goes to a party and runs into a guy from Ali’s past, he learns that Ali used to be much wilder. Angry that Ali hasn’t been honest with him, big dumb Tyler gets drunk and runs off with Holly (Bella Throne), a girl who he has only known for an hour. They go dancing. Holly offers Tyler a pill. Tyler isn’t sure he’s ready for that. “You swallow, I swallow,” Holly tells him. Tyler and Holly spend a passionate weekend together but, afterwards, Tyler and Ali get back together, with Ali promising that she’ll tell Tyler everything about her past. “No more secrets,” Tyler agrees, despite the fact that he’s now keeping a secret of his own.

Fortunately, Holly was only visiting for the summer and it’s not like Tyler will ever see her again so …. OH MY GOODNESS, LOOK WHO JUST SHOWED UP AT TYLER’S HIGH SCHOOL! Holly now goes to the same school as Tyler and her new best friend is Ali! Tyler asks Holly not to tell Ali anything about their weekend together. Holly, however, has stopped taking her meds (seriously, that’s a plot point) and has decided that if she can’t have Tyler, no one will. Soon, Holly is claiming to be pregnant and serving peanut-laced smoothies to people with food allergies. Have you ever noticed how people in movies like this always have a best friend who suffers from a food allergy?

I’m probably making You Get Me sound more fun than it actually is. It’s actually an extremely bland movie and a surprisingly tame one. At her best, Bella Thorne is less an actress and more an agent of chaos. She gets a few opportunities to be enjoyably evil in You Get Me but the script, for whatever reason, often seems to be more concerned with boring old Tyler. Perhaps if Taylor John Smith and Halston Sage had at least a little bit of romantic chemistry, we would care about what happens to Tyler and Ali but they don’t. Since they don’t really seem to be that into each other, it’s a little bit hard to get upset when Holly comes between them.

The beach, I will say, looked lovely. And I really liked Holly’s house. And, as I mentioned earlier, there were a few moments when Bella Thorne’s demented performance brought some life to the anemic proceedings. But, for the most part, You Get Me is forgettable. It did not get me.

Spring Break On The Lens: Shag (dir by Zelda Barron)

Posted on March 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, the setting of the 1989 film, Shag: The Movie!

We know that we’re in South Carolina because everyone is speaking with the type of overbaked Southern accents that you only hear in the movies. And you know it’s the beach because of all the sand, the bathing suits, and the spring breakers. Everyone’s listening to that rock and roll music. Everyone’s dancing. There’s a lot of Confederate flags around, mostly because the movie was made in the 80s and it’s taking place in the South. If the movie were made today, it would probably take place in New Jersey and everyone would be debating whether or not Christopher Columbus was a hero or not.

Though the movie was made in 1989, it takes place in 1963. We know that the movie takes place in 1963 because everyone in the movie keeps mentioning how it’s 1963. One character mentions having sexual fantasies about President Kennedy, which scandalizes all of her friends. Another character won’t stop talking about how much he enjoyed Paul Newman’s performance in The Hustler. (The Hustler came out in 1961, though, so I think the dude needs to get with the times and watch Tom Jones.) Everyone’s dancing the Shag. Of course, since this is a film about how innocent the world was in 1963, there’s no talk of the growing American presence in Vietnam or anything like that. This is the 1963 of the popular imagination, the 1963 that one visualizes after watching a hundred movies about spring break in the early 60s.

Anyway, Shag follows four friends as they have a wild week in Myrtle Beach. They’re recent high school graduates. Melaina (Bridget Fonda) is the wild preacher’s daughter. Louanne (Paige Hannah) is the responsible one, who wears horn-rimmed glasses. Pudge (Annabeth Gish) is the friend who needs better friends or, at the very least, friends who won’t give her a cruel nickname. Carson (Phoebe Cates) is the responsible girl who is about to marry the level-headed Harley (Tyrone Power, Jr.) After telling their parents that their going to Ft. Sumter to learn about the Civil War, they instead head down to Myrtle Beach. Melania enters a beauty contest. Pudge enters a shag contest with Chip (Scott Coffey). Carson finds herself tempted by Chip’s friend, the Yale-bound Buzz (Robert Rusler). And Louanne is tempted by Harley, who eventually comes to Myrtle Beach himself to try to understand why Carson is being so irresponsible.

There aren’t really many surprising moments to be found in Shag. From the minute that we first see Carson trying on her wedding dress, we know that there’s no way she’s still going to be engaged by the time the movie comes to its conclusion. By that same token, we also know that Melaina is not going to be as wild as she tries to present herself as being and that Pudge is going to find her confidence and that Louanne is eventually going to let her hair down, if just for a few minutes. It’s a predictable movie but the cast is likable and there’s a lot of dancing, which is always a plus as far as I’m concerned. Admittedly, Cates and Rusler are a bit bland as the main couple. Instead, Annabeth Gish and Scott Coffey are the cast stand-outs. I also have to say that I really liked the performance of Tyrone Power, Jr. Harley is kind of a thankless role but Power manages to make him at least a little sympathetic. At the very least, Carson doesn’t come across like a fool for considering him as a possible husband.

Shag is a likeable film, even if it’s not exactly groundbreaking. And did I mention that there’s dancing?

Spring Break On The Lens: The Real Cancun (dir by Rick de Oliveira)

Posted on March 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Remember The Real Cancun?

This 2003 film tells the story of 16 good-looking and not particularly intelligent college students who go to Cancun for spring break. For 8 days, they all live in the same beach house and they get to know each other. They drink. They flirt. A few of them hook up but perhaps not as many as you would expect. The dorky virgin dude says that he just wants to see “boobies” and then gets drunk off of one shot. Two platonic friends debate whether they should take their relationship to the next level. The women wear bikinis. The men wear speedos. There are bare boobs and behinds galore. Snoop Dogg makes a special guest appearance. One spring breaker get stung by a jelly fish so her new roommate pours a cup of urine on her ankle. Good thing he had already had ten beers that morning! What fun!

If this sounds like a typical spring break film, that’s because it is a typical spring break film but with one big difference. It was produced by the people behind MTV’s The Real World and, as such, the 16 spring breakers are sold as being real people who are spontaneously acting like a bunch of movie characters. In 2003, reality tv was still a relatively exotic concept and this film was an attempt to take the genre’s cheap aesthetic to the cinematic level. Even more importantly, it was an attempt to duplicate the success of Girls Gone Wild, without actually admitting to being inspired by that sleazy enterprise. As such, there’s a lot of nudity but there’s a strange lack of actual sex. There’s a lot of drinking but there’s not much drunkenness. It’s an oddly tame look at spring break, one that promises debauchery but which doesn’t deliver anything that would have kept the film out of theaters or off the cable networks. I got more wild on my spring breaks than anyone in this film and I don’t even drink.

The film’s “stars” are all pretty bland and it’s not a surprise that, with one exception, none of them have appeared in anything other than The Real Cancun. (That one exception is Laura Ramsey, who went on to have a somewhat busy acting career after appearing as herself in this film.) The film manages to make nudity boring. Seen today, The Real Cancun works best as a time capsule, largely because it was filmed at a time when there was no social media and, even more importantly, no phones. Everyone is attracted to the crew and their bulky film cameras because there aren’t any other cameras around to record them and make them famous. Today, anyone can make their own Real Cancun and post it to YouTube. In 2003, if you wanted a shot at that type of fame, you had to audition and be selected to appear in a “documentary.”

Apparently, The Real Cancun was meant to be the first part of a Real World cinematic franchise. The first Jackass film had come out the previous year so MTV was enthusiastic about producing cheap reality movies. However, The Real Cancun was such a huge flop at the box office that it killed those plans. There would be other Jackass films, of course. But the Real World Cinematic Universe imploded as soon as it began. And for that, we should probably be thankful.