Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we begin season 3 of Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 7th, 1979)

The third season of Fantasy Island gets off to a strange start when, after announcing that the plane is arriving with this week’s guests, Tattoo approaches Mr. Roarke while accompanied by a one-man band.

Not even bothering to disguise his contempt his assistant, Mr. Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing. Tattoo replies that he is campaigning for the position of Honorary Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island. He hands Mr. Roarke one of his fliers.

Again, Mr. Roarke does not appear to be particularly amused as he informs Tattoo that he has been Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island for several terms now and no one, up until this point, has ever dared to run against him. Tattoo suggests that it is time for a change.

Myself, I’m just wondering what the heck is going on.

I mean, we are three seasons into Fantasy Island. It has been established that Fantasy Island is an independent nation, one that is home not just to the resort but also to a fishing village, a private school, an old west town, several haunted houses, a red light district, and miles of potentially dangerous jungle. Whenever anyone from America has tried to boss around Mr. Roarke, Roarke has replied that Fantasy Island is a not governed by American law. Given the size and the variety of lifestyles on Fantasy Island, I’m not sure that “Lord Mayor” is really the right term to use for the island’s ruler.

Beyond that, it’s been pretty much established that Mr. Roarke is Fantasy Island’s dictator. He decides what happens on Fantasy Island. He makes the laws. It’s his island and everyone respects his authority. The important thing is that, over the past two seasons, it has never been previously mentioned that Mr. Roarke is an elected official. If Tattoo were to win the election, would the Island become his? Is Tattoo truly trying to overthrow Mr. Roarke? Given how much Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize disliked each other, it would not surprise me if Villechaize would have been happy to see that happen. But, if you’re going by the show’s admittedly twisty continuity, the whole thing just doesn’t make any sense.

As for this week’s two fantasies, the first one doesn’t always make that much sense either. It features David Doyle as Fred Forbush, an underwear manufacturer. He’s come to the island with his wife (Constance Towers) and kids (Ronnie Scribner and Katrina Axley). Fred has gotten in some business trouble. Though his family doesn’t know it, he is on the verge of losing it all. However, he has a life insurance policy that will pay his family over a million dollars if he’s murdered. Though his family thinks that they are just on vacation, Fred’s fantasy is for Mr. Roarke to arrange for a hitman to kill him.

The fact that Mr. Roarke not only agrees to this but apparently also allows a hitman named Johnny Detroit (Eddie Mekka) to operate an assassination school on his island suggests that maybe Tattoo has a point about the Island needing a new Lord Mayor.

Johnny’s first attempt to murder Fred fails when Johnny slips on a leaf and ends up firing his sniper rifle into the sky. Humiliated by that failure, Johnny now feels that killing Fred is a matter of honor. However, Fred receives word that a clothing store wants to go into business with him! Fred no longer wants to die! Well, good luck with that….

Fear not! This is actually the episode’s comedic storyline so Fred doesn’t die. Instead, he ends up trying to hide from Johnny by putting on a wig and a sarong. When that doesn’t work, he tells his family the truth. (Needless to say, his wife is pretty angry at Lord Mayor Mr. Roarke.) Fortunately, Johnny’s mother (Kaye Ballard) shows up on the island and puts an end to the whole thing. It turns out that Johnny really isn’t a hitman. Instead, he’s just a guy named Wilbur whose fantasy was to be a ruthless killer …. which is not disturbing at all!

While all that nonsense is going on, Jack Summers (Peter Graves) and his daughter, Terry (Eve Plumb, continuing the tradition of former Brady kids showing up on both this show and The Love Boat) arrive on the island to see Dr. Frantz (Gail Fisher). Terry was an Olympic-level swimmer until a car accident left her in a wheelchair. Jack’s fantasy is that Dr. Frantz will be able to cure Terry’s condition and she’ll be able to walk and swim once again. Unfortunately, Dr. Frantz explains that there is no hope.

However, Mr. Roarke has also arranged for Terry to teach a water ballet class. The class is made up of disabled children and, as you have probably already guessed, working with them causes Terry to realize that she doesn’t have to go to the Olympics to do great things. As far as fantasies go, it was predictable but sweet. Even Peter Graves gets emotional watching Terry’s students in the water.

But what about the election? Tattoo names Chester the Chimpanzee as his campaign manager and loses the election when Chester eats the only vote that Tattoo received. By a landslide, Mr. Roarke is reelected. Presumably, his first post-election move will be to have Tattoo imprisoned for bringing Johnny Detroit to the Island, despite the fact that it was actually all Mr. Roarke’s idea. When you’re a dictator, you can do whatever you want. Hopefully, Tattoo will be free by next week’s episode.

This episode was a nice way to kick off season 3. The election storyline reminded the viewers of just how weird Fantasy Island actually is, as both a location and a show. Eddie Mekka made me chuckle a few times in the role of the buffoonish Johnny Detroit. And I was glad that Terry found the peace and happiness that was always denied to Jan Brady.

Next week: Abe Vigoda visits the Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.1 “Hello and Goodbye” and 5.2 “Managing Michael”

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

It’s time for Season 5 of Hang Time! As usual, the new season starts with several cast departures and additions. (Since Seasons 5 and 6 were both filmed at the same time, this season is the last one to introduce new characters.) Season 5 also sees Miguel Higuera taking over as the show’s regular director, replacing Patrick Maloney.

Episode 5.1 “Hello and Goodbye”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 11th, 1999)

It’s time for a new school year and a new basketball season! Julie, who has been a senior for four years now, is still the star of the team. Michael and Silk are also ready for another run at the championship. Rico, however, is gone. Silk mentions something about Rico joining the wrestling team. Fear not, there’s a new player named Eugene (Phillip Glasser) and he basically acts just like Rico and Vince. Who knew there were so many goofy Italian basketball players in rural Indiana?

Hammer has also returned but not for long. It turns out that he’s been offered a scholarship to attend a prep school in North Carolina. Accepting the scholarship means that Hammer will gain automatic acceptance to Duke. However, it also means leaving behind Mary Beth. (Silk also gets upset, saying that the team is starting to “feel like the Spice Girls” because everyone keeps leaving.) Hammer doesn’t want to tell Mary Beth about the scholarship until he knows for sure whether or not he’s going to accept it.

Meanwhile, Kristy is having a long-distance relationship with Antonio (Jay Hernandez) but she’s upset because she hasn’t seen Antonio in six months. (Maybe she could have visited him in December instead of spending Christmas in New York.) Because she’s apparently not required to attend classes or clear anything with her parents, Kristy impulsively decides to fly down to Texas. However, no sooner has Kristy boarded her flight than Antonio shows up in Indiana. Upon learning that Antonio is now in Indiana, Kristy flies back from El Paso. Once they’re both back in Indiana, Antonio tells Kristy that he’s decided to move to Indiana and go to Deering.

“To be with me!?” Kristy says, shocked.

“Well, it’s not for the Mexican food,” Antonio replies.

Do any of these characters have parents? I mean, is Antonio’s family okay with Antonio moving to Indiana?

Well, regardless, it’s good that Antonio’s there because, even though he initially turns down the scholarship to stay with Mary Beth, Hammer eventually does leave for North Carolina. The team sees him off at the airport. (Oddly, no family members are present.) Julie says that she’s sure she will eventually join Hammer at Duke. That made me laugh, as Julie’s been in high school for 6 years. Duke has standards, Julie!

This was actually not a bad start to the fifth season. I was sad to see Hammer go because Mark Famiglietti really did grow into the role towards the end of the fourth season. But Antonio seems like he’ll be a good replacement, mostly because he’s played by Jay Hernandez. He and Kristy make for a cute couple. This episode also deserves some credit for having Mary Beth mention that all of her boyfriends have eventually ended up leaving the school. She even mentioned Chris, from the otherwise forgotten first season. I’m a sucker for a good continuity nod.

Episode 5.2 “Managing Michael”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 18th, 1999)

This is a weird episode. Michael, despite having never mentioned anything about it before, is the leader of a rock band. Playing keyboards is Eugene, who is apparently now everyone’s best friend. Mary Beth is hired to manage the band but she discovers that Deering’s biggest (and only) rock promoter is a total sexist who refuses to do business with a woman. In order to prove that she can handle the music business, Mary Beth somehow manages to organize an entire music festival on her own. The Moffats, who were a boy band from Canada, even play the show. How did Mary Beth set all this up? I have no idea. All I know is that Mary Beth announced that she wasn’t going to let anything stop her and then, one montage later, the Moffats were singing her a song. I mean, Mary Beth is the character to whom I relate so I’m always happy when she succeeds but, in this case, it’s not really made clear how she managed to pull it off. In fact, the last six minutes of the episode is devoted just to the Moffats performing.

Meanwhile, the University of Illinois is planning on giving Coach K a distinguished alumni award. However, the team thinks that the college is trying to hire Coach K away from them so they spread a rumor that the Coach is an alcoholic ex-con. That’s a little extreme and dumb. Coach K finds out what they’re doing and makes them run some extra laps. Coach Fuller would have killed them but Coach K laughs it off because he’s still going to get his award regardless of his team’s attempt to ruin his life.

Seriously, this was a weird episode.

Retro Television Reviews: In Search of America (by Paul Bogart)

Posted on June 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s In Search of America! It can be viewed on YouTube!

College student Mike Olson (young Jeff Bridges) returns home and informs his mother (Vera Miles) and his father (Carl Betz) and his annoyingly quirky grandmother (Ruth McDevitt) that he’s dropped out of college. He apologizes for wasting all the money that they spent on tuition but hey, maybe he can make it up to them by taking them on a journey as he drives across America in an old bus.

Uhmmm….

Now, let me just repeat this so that there is no confusion. This absolutely schmuck took his parents’ money, wasted it, dropped out of college, and now he expects everyone to travel with him across America because he’s decided that he’s a part of the counterculture.

And, instead of telling him to go to Hell and get a job, his family agrees.

Oh sure, Mom is a little bit hesitant about Mike’s idea. But Dad is really enthusiastic. He understands the kids and he wants a chance to relive his own youth, before he got tied down with things like paying bills and being a responsible human being. And, of course, if the Hippies were famous for anything, it was their love of upper class, middle-aged people. Just ask the LaBiancas.

And, of course, grandma is totally excited about it because she’s an old person in a made-for-TV movie.

So, they all board the bus and Mike takes them to a music festival so that they can meet some of his friends. For instance, there’s Nick (Sal Mineo), a drop-out who says that he’s more burned out than turned on. There’s Annie (Tyne Daly), who is going to need someone to help deliver her baby. There’s Bodhi (Glynn Turman), who is some sort of doctor. He and grandma bond of their shared quirkiness. And then there’s Kathy (Renne Jarrett), who is at the music festival despite the fact that she’s really sick and on the verge of dying. When Kathy’s parents (Howard Duff and Kim Hunter) show up looking for her, Mike has to decide whether to save her life or respect her wish to do her own thing.

This was obviously meant to be a pilot for a show where the family would travel around the country and I guess get involved in different adventures each week. The main problem is that, while Jeff Bridges seems to be a bit of a hippie in real life, he’s not particularly convincing in this film. He’s way too clean-cut and his family’s decision to follow him across the country never makes the least bit of sense. As for the hippies themselves, they come across as being so shallow that I found myself wanting to donate money to the Nixon campaign.

June Positivity: Worth: The Testimony of Johnny St. James (dir by Jenn Page)

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 2012, Worth is a film about a hostage situation.

Ugh.

Listen, I’m just going to be honest with you here. With a few obvious exceptions (i.e., Dog Day Afternoon), I am not a huge fan of films about hostage situations. It doesn’t matter how talented the cast may be or how much the director tries to keep things interesting. Usually, as soon as the hostage taker pulls that gun and yells, “Nobody move!,” whatever narrative momentum that the film may have had going comes to a screeching halt and thing proceed to get very stagey. The audience is expected to sit through at least 90 minutes of wailing hostages, feverish monologues, and Stockholm syndrome. And, of course, we can’t forget the SWAT team threatening to kill both the hostage taker and the hostages while a harried negotiator tries to bring everything to a peaceful solution. It’s all very predictable and usually a bit tedious to sit through.

Worth is also a film about alcoholics so double ugh. I’m not a huge fan of alcoholics or films where people spend all of their time giving speeches about why they started drinking and what happened to make them hit rock bottom. Don’t get me wrong. There’s been a lot of great films made about alcoholism but there’s also been a lot of films that seem to exist to remind us of just how whiny alcoholics can be. Mixing alcoholics and hostages is rarely a good thing.

On the plus side, Worth has got Eric Roberts in it. No, Roberts does not play the hostage taker. Nor does he play one of the hostages. Roberts ends up with the unenviable task of having to negotiate with the hostage taker. Eric Roberts’s role is not a big one. One gets the feeling that it probably took two days (maybe three) for him to shoot all of his scenes. Still, his role here is bigger (and more important) than his role in Amityville Death House.

Worth’s main character is Johnny St. James (Jeffrey Johnson), a former seminarian who ended up becoming a cop. Ten years ago, Johnny’s pregnant wife was killed by a drunk driver and Johnny himself has been an alcoholic ever since. Johnny is finally ready to attend his first AA meeting and his friend and partner, Hickey (Eric Roberts), tags along for moral support. While Johnny is inside the church for the meeting, Hickey is the one who waits in the car and calls into headquarters and tells the chief that Johnny’s at an emergency dental appointment.

Unfortunately, Johnny discovers that the AA meeting is being led by Earl (Vincent Irizarry), the man who was driving the car that struck and killed Johnny’s wife. Earl did several years in prison and became a minister during his time behind bars. Earl may not recognize Johnny but Johnny automatically knows who Earl is. Johnny sits in the back of the church, listening as the other members of the group give their testimony. After listening to Chad (Corey Feldman) talk about how difficult it is to be sober, Johnny snaps, pull out his gun, and — ugh — the hostage situation begins.

The movie starts out well, with both Eric Roberts and Vincent Irizarry offering up strong supporting performances. I mean, even Corey Feldman isn’t that bad. But as soon as Johnny pulls that gun and starts shouting and bullying everyone and barking out orders, the film turns into a bit of an endurance test. There’s only so much time that someone can spend listening to one guy yell at people about not moving before mentally checking out. Johnny traps himself in that church as soon as he pulls that gun but the film also traps itself by not leaving itself anywhere else to go. Johnny has a tragic backstory and the film does share an important message about the power of forgiveness but Johnny himself was such an annoying character than even I wanted the SWAT team to storm the church and take that douchebag out.

Worth was no Dog Day Afternoon.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 6/4/23 — 6/10/23

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I spent most of this week watching movies so this is probably not going to be my most impressive week in television. That said, here’s a few notes on what I did watch!

All You Need Is Love (Night Flight Plus)

“Welcome to a guided tour of the world of popular music….” This documentary series aired in the 70s and it traced the history of pop music, from the tunes of Tin Pan Alley to Broadway to rock and roll. I watched the first, introductionary episode on Friday night. It was interesting to see how everything linked up.

Beavis and Butt-Head (Thursday, Paramount Plus)

This week’s episode of Beavis and Butt-Head was okay. I was happy, for instance, that the folks at the American Legion hall beat up Old Beavis and Butt-Head because no one should be allowed to get away with stolen valor. The dog park thing was funny as long as you assume that the racoon didn’t have rabies. The highlight of the episode was the way the boys reacted to the video of the woman who turned her car into a chia pet. “Is there any way to turn down someone’s personality?”

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

Read my latest Fantasy Island review here!

Forgive or Forget (YouTube)

On Tuesday, I watched an episode of this Mother Love-hosted talk show. A man asked his best friend to forgive him for skipping her wedding. She did. Another woman asked her friend to apologize for not supporting her when she had experimental weight loss surgery. An apology was given.

Happy Hour (YouTube)

This was a bizarre panel show from the late 90s. It featured musical performances from Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa, dance numbers featuring the half-naked Bombshells, and two teams competing in arbitrary games that had no rules. The episode that I watched on Saturday morning featured, among others, Lisa Loeb, Kelly Packard, Fred Willard, Sable, Jane Pratt, Chris Hardwick, and Aries Spears. At one point, an odd man named Todd emerged from the audience and competed with Kelly Packard to see who knew the most about Kelly’s time on California Dreams. Todd was kind of creepy and I hope Kelly got a restraining order on him after the show.

Anyway, it was a fun and strange hour. I enjoyed the dancing.

The Master (Tubi)

I wrote about The Master here!

The Maury Povich Show (YouTube)

On Monday, I watched a 1992 episode of a talk show hosted by Maury Povich. (I’m not sure but I think The Maury Povich Show was a different show from Maury’s better-known sleazefest, Maury!) The episode featured Povich interviewing the director and the star of a film about Jeffrey Dahmer. The families of Dahmer’s victims yelled at them. A local reporter showed up and condemned the film. The families yelled at the reporter for writing a book about Dahmer. There was a lot of yelling. Maury said that he held the first amendment sacred.

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Monday, I watched an episode where mothers sent their out-of-control teens to boot camp. Personally, I’ve always felt that the whole boot camp thing was more about making the parents feel good than actually doing anything for their children. I followed this up with an episode about women who were dating controlling men who would not let them escape their toxic relationships. The worst of the men showed up wearing a Canada t-shirt. It’s like he knew he was going on a nationally syndicated television show, he probably knew he was going to be portrayed as a villain, and he thought to himself, ‘I’m going to make sure they know I’m Canadian!” I then watched a third episode, featuring more women married to sleazy men. I hope they all got divorced after the show was filmed.

On Tuesday, I watched an episode in which Sally talked to people whose families were being destroyed by infidelity. I imagine everyone who appeared on this episode is now divorced. I then watched a second episode about stepfamilies in crisis. I blamed the stepparents.

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

I watched an episode on Tuesday. Steve sent two snotty teenagers to the Scared Straight program. Steve was such a joke but somehow, he was never quite as sleazy as his former boss, Jerry Springer.

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.3 “Welcome Back” and 1.4 “Whodunit?”

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Well, let’s check in with Brooklyn….

Episode 1.3 “Welcome Back”

(Dir by James Komack, originally aired on September 23rd, 1975)

“I remember my first day….” Gabe Kotter narrates as the viewer watches him and Mr. Woodman walk down the distressingly dirty hallways of James Buchanan High.

It’s a flashback episode! Well, kind of. The third episode of Welcome Back, Kotter was actually the show’s pilot. As Kotter’s voice-over only makes one appearance at the start of the episode, it’s pretty obvious that it was a last minute addition to explain why the third episode featured Kotter meeting the Sweathogs for the first time. Apparently, the folks at ABC felt that The Great Debate episode worked better as an introduction to the show than the pilot. I’m not sure why, as the pilot does a perfectly serviceable job of introducing everyone.

Kotter is not particularly enthused about returning to the high school from which he graduated ten years prior. Mr. Woodman isn’t happy to see Kotter again, either. As they walk down the hallway, Mr. Woodman is still accusing Kotter of having started a food fight in the cafeteria. (Woodman insists that it was a riot.) Woodman says that since he doesn’t have any choice about Kotter being assigned to his school, he’s going to assign Kotter to teach the worst kids in school, the Sweathogs!

Entering his classroom, Kotter asks the students to introduce themselves. Not surprisingly, only four of them actually do so. Vinnie Barbarino stands up and shows off the smile that made John Travolta a superstar. Epstein is introduced as being the student who is “most likely to off someone.” Epstein explains how his ancestors were the first Epsteins to land in Puerto Rico. Freddie says, “Hi there.” And Horseshack laughs in that grating way of his. Kotter attempts to teach his class by allowing them to sit wherever they want and then engaging in a game of the Dozens with Barbarino.

“Up your nose with a rubber hose,” Barbarino says and the audience goes crazy.

Kotter insults Barbarino’s family.

“Off my case, Toilet Face,” Barbarino replies and the audience goes crazy, again.

Kotter starts to mention Barbarino’s mother.

“My mother is a saint!” Barbarino explodes.

Woodman suddenly shows up in the classroom. When he demands to know what Kotter is doing, Kotter looks to his class to back him up. When none of them do, Kotter decides to quit his teaching job.

Oh hey, I guess the show is over, right?

No, it’s not. Later, back at the apartment that he shares with Julie, Kotter is shocked when Barbarino and Freddie crawl through the window. He’s even more surprised when Epstein, Horseshack, and Rosalie Totsie (Debralee Scott) show up at the front door. Epstein explains that they stole a cab so they could visit Kotter’s apartment. They want to see how “the original Sweathog” turned out. Though Kotter pretends like he isn’t happy to see them, it soon becomes apparent that he knows he’s right where he belongs. Plus, Julie likes them because …. well, I’m not sure why. To be honest with you, if I was in her situation, I wouldn’t like for my husband’s students to come climbing in through the apartment window. That would be a deal-breaker for me. Freddie and Barbarino do attempt to steal Kotter’s TV but Horseshack returns it. Awwww!

And Kotter returns to the classroom. Yay!

As far as pilots go, it’s easy to see why this one was a success. John Travolta’s smile could light up a room. Actually, all of the actors playing the Sweathogs do a good job in this episode. Travolta dominates because he’s Travolta but the entire cast has a nice comedic chemistry. At the end of the episode, Kotter says, “Welcome back,” to himself and he sincerely seems happy to be there. He’s made peace with being a Sweathog forever.

Episode 1.4 “Whodunit?”

(Dir by Robert LaHendro, originally aired on September 30th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his aunt’s parrot and a dead butcher.

Meanwhile, at the school, Gabe sees Rosalie Totsy (nicknamed “Hotsy” by the Sweathogs) crying in the hallway. After a game of charades, Gabe figures out that Rosalie is pregnant! Who could the father be!? Sebastian Leone, perhaps?

No, according to Rosalie, the father was a Sweathog. Or, as Gabe calls them, the Marx Brothers….

This leads to a rather sweet scene in which Horseshack goes down on one knee and offers to marry Rosalie, even though he knows he’s not the father. He says that he wants to give her baby a good name and that Horseshack means “The cattle are dying.” Though touched by his sincerity, Rosalie turns him down. Gabe then invites Rosalie to come to his apartment so that she can talk to Julie. I’m not really sure if it’s a good idea for any teacher to invite a student to come to their apartment but whatever.

The important thing is that it leads to Rosalie demanding that the father of her baby marry her. All the Sweathogs are forced to admit that, despite all of their boasting, none of them have actually had sex with Rosalie. Rosalie then announces that she was lying about being pregnant. She just wanted to get all of the Sweathogs to go on record that she wasn’t a slut. “I ain’t easy!” Rosalie explains.

And …. yes, that’s one way to do that, I guess. I mean, I could understand where Rosalie was coming from because I went through the same thing when I was in high school. But I would have been happier if the episode had ended with a message that it really wasn’t anyone’s business whether Rosalie was having sex or not. Instead, the audience specifically applauded Rosalie for not being a slut, which felt just as judgmental as the audience previously laughing at the idea that she was. I kept waiting for someone to point out just how ridiculous it was that Rosalie had to pretend to be pregnant to get the Sweathogs to stop talking about her behind her back but apparently, that didn’t occur to anyone in the writer’s room.

After everything’s been resolved and Gabe is back home, Julie interrupts Gabe’s comic book time to tell him that maybe they should start a family. Gabe’s like, “Hell no!” He then says that Julie is all the family he needs at this point in his life. “I love you, honey,” Julie swoons. “Good,” Gabe says, “Tomorrow, call my mother and explain to her why you’re not pregnant.” The audiences applauds and Julie beats up on Gabe.

I wasn’t a huge fan of this episode but I’ll give credit to Ron Pallilo. That proposal scene was really sweet and nicely performed.

Next week: Barbarino enters politics! Sebastian Leone better watch out!

Music Video of the Day: Are You Rich? by Intimatchine (2014, dir by ????)

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, are you?

Enjoy!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.5 “High Rollers”

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

Viva Las Vegas!

Episode 1.5 “High Rollers”

(Dir by Peter Crane, originally aired on March 2nd, 1984)

“Hi, I’m Max Keller….”

This week’s episode The Master opens with Max (Timothy Van Patten) and McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) standing on top of a mountain in the Nevada desert. McAllister explains to Max that a ninja will sometimes be required to quickly descend from a roof or a cliff to the ground below. (Uhmmm …. okay.) McAllister has Max rappel down the side of the mountain. Though hesitant at first, Max does so and reaches the ground fairly quickly. However, before Max can brag too much on himself, he discovers that McAllister is already down there, waiting for him.

“Expect the unexpected,” McAllister explains.

I already mentioned this last week but I can’t help but feel that Max’s “ninja training” is mostly just McAllister amusing himself by seeing how far he can push his student.

Weekly ninja training completed, it’s time for Max and McAllister to drive to …. VEGAS, BABY!

That’s right! In this episode, Max and McAllister visit the ultimate American playground, Las Vegas. Of course, there’s a long history of movies and television shows being filmed in Vegas. In many ways, Las Vegas is the epitome of American ingenuity, a glitzy playground that has been built in an otherwise inhospitable desert. Many great directors — from Martin Scorsese to Francis Ford Coppola to David Lynch to Paul Schrader — have found their inspiration in Las Vegas’s unique aesthetic.

Unfortunately, the Las Vegas that we see in The Master seems to be incredibly tacky. There’s very little of the glitz and glamour that we typically associate with Las Vegas. Instead, the action takes place in one rather dingy hotel and casino, the place where it looks like a month’s worth of chewing gum has been hidden under the tables and smashed into the carpet. A group of thieves, led by the mysterious Blake (Art Hindle), are planning on forcing a showgirl named Tracy (Terri Treas) into helping them rob the hotel. Tracy happens to be Max’s former girlfriend and, in fact, she’s the whole reason that he’s visiting Las Vegas in the first place.

Blake’s plan to rob the casino is ludicrously complicated. Basically, his plan rests on convincing Tracy to flirt with the owner of the hotel and to convince him to invite her up to his room for a drink. In the owner’s room, Tracy is to drug his drink and then, when he’s passed out, she’s supposed to steal his keys. In order to make sure that she does this, Blake kidnaps her annoying 12 year-old daughter, Suzie (Angela Lee Sloan).

While Tracy is drugging the owner of the hotel, a bomb is set to explode at the nearby power station. With all of Vegas plunged into darkness, it will be all the easier for Blake’s men to shoot tear gas into the casino. While everyone’s disorientated, Blake will open the casino’s safe and then he and his associates will head to an abandoned western movie set in the middle of the desert. From there, they will wait for the arrival of a helicopter that will take them to safety.

I mean, seriously, what happened to the concept of keeping things simple? Blake’s plan is dependent on so many things happens at the exact right moment that there’s no way any halfway intelligent criminal would have agreed to have been a part of it. Along with all of the obvious things that could go wrong, Blake also has failed to take into account that he might be followed to the old west town by a ninja and his idiot sidekick.

Which is pretty much what happens. McAllister and Max show up at about the same time as the helicopter.

This leads to an elaborate fight in the old west town. On the one hand, it’s a nice homage to Lee Van Cleef’s days as a spaghetti western star. At once point, McAllister even tells Max that he feels oddly at home in the old west town. “I always wanted to be a cowboy,” McAllister says. On the other hand, it’s also pretty obvious that all of the action sequences and fight scenes feature not Lee Van Cleef but Lee Van Cleef’s much less stocky stunt double. That takes away from the excitement of seeing Van Cleef return to his roots.

That said, there is a cool moment where Van Cleef’s stunt double jumps over the helicopter.

One of the good things about this episode is that we did learn a few new details about Max and McAllister’s relationship. For instance, when Max wants to beat up Blake’s men, McAllister warns Max that he’s allowing his temper to control him. Later, Max has an epiphany in which he realizes that, unlike Blake’s men, he could never bring himself to kill someone. It’s actually a nicely human moment and it took me by surprise. It’s a moment that suggests that The Master perhaps had higher ambitions than just being a typical action show.

We also learned a little more about Max’s backstory. As he tells Tracy, his mother and his brother were both killed in a plane crash and he and his father had a falling out shortly afterwards. Max says that he doesn’t know where his father is. When Max says that, his relationship with McAllister suddenly makes a lot more sense. Max puts up with McAllister because he’s looking for a new father figure. That said, I’m still pretty sure that most of McAllister’s training exercises are just McAllister’s way of amusing himself at Max’s expense.

While I appreciated all of that, this episode was a bit too messy to really work. The casino stuff was difficult to follow and, as I mentioned before, Blake’s big scheme was a bit too big for its own good. I did like the fight scenes in the old west town but, unfortunately, the episode was nearly finished by the time that McAllister and Max arrived. This episode had a lot of potential but it still felt like it was never as good as it could have been.

Next week: Max and McAllister hit up New Orleans! Mardi Gras, baby!

Music Video of the Day: Guess I’m Doing Fine by Beck (2002, dir by Spike Jonze)

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Poor Beck. I’m sure he’s cheered up by now though.

This video was directed by Spike Jonze. This was two years after Jonze’s received his first Oscar nomination for Being John Malkovich and also the same year that Jonze’s released his second Oscar-nominated film, Adaptation.

Enjoy!

The Eric Roberts Collection: Amityville Death House (dir by Mark Polonia)

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Eric Roberts is The Warlock!

If you’re specifically watching the 2015 film, Amityville Death House, because of the presence of Eric Roberts (and seriously, who could blame you?), Roberts appears about four minutes into the film. His first scene lasts about 50 seconds. He pops up a few more times throughout the film and, each time, he’s onscreen for, at most, 20 seconds. Every time that he appears, he is sitting in a room that has been decorated to look like a dungeon. He never interacts with anyone in the cast and, indeed, it’s easy to tell that this is another one of these films where he did all of his scenes in one day and probably didn’t even have to leave his house. He wears a mask throughout the entire film but there’s no mistaking his voice.

Amityville Death House takes place in the town of Amityville, New York and it features a house that looks like a smaller version of the infamous haunted house that appears in most of the other Amityville films. That said, there’s not any reference to the supposed hauntings or the DeFeo murders or any of the other usual Amityville plot points. Instead, this film deals with the spirit of a 17th century witch named Abigail, who was lynched by the inhabitants of Amityville. Eric Roberts plays the Warlock who, for reasons that are never quite clear, hopes to bring Abigail’s spirit back into the realm of the living.

When Tiffany (Kyrsten St. Pierre) comes up to Amityville to check in on her grandmother (Yolie Canales), she finds Abigail’s old diary and realizes that her grandmother lives in Abigail’s former home. Tiffany even reads aloud from the diary, which is not good news for her friends, Aric (Michael Merchant), Bree (Cassandra Hayes), and Dig (Houston Baker). Her friends were just traveling with Abigail to help her out at her grandmother’s place. They certainly weren’t expecting to end up under a witch’s curse thanks to Tiffany’s stupidity.

Even with a running time of just 75 minutes, Amityville Death House is a painfully slow film. Scenes play out with no sense of pace or suspense and the characters are all paper thin. The final ten minutes of the film are enjoyably weird, with the characters suffering from hallucinations, one person turning into a spider, and dialogue like, “She has the witch’s teats!” But it takes such a long time for the movie to reach that point and there’s so much unnecessary padding on the way that many viewers will probably check out before getting to experience any of that.

On the plus side, though, Eric Roberts at least sounded like he was having fun.