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Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.21 “A Dolphin Song For Lee: Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Mark finally gets the stuff.

Episode 4.21 “A Dolphin Song For Lee: Part One”

(Dir by Michael Landon, March 9th, 1988)

After he complains for the hundredth time about not having “the stuff,” Mark finally gets the boss’s attention in this episode.  Suddenly, Mark is the one who doesn’t need to eat, who knows where to go for the assignment, and who instinctively realizes that the young woman they’ve been assigned to help — Lee (Bess Meyer) — desperately needs a bone marrow transplant.  Meanwhile, Jonathan becomes human yet again.

That’s not a bad idea for a story, though it’s hard not to notice that this is the second time that Jonathan’s gone from being an angel to being mortal during season four.  One would think that either Jonathan or Mark would have noted this fact but neither one does.  Maintaining continuity has not been season four’s strong point.

As for the story itself, it’s pretty simple but then again, it’s only Part 1 of a two-parter.  Lee refuses to get the bone marrow transplant because she fears her parents won’t be able to afford it.  Using “the stuff,” Mark essentially commands a local news producer to do a story on Lee and her need for a transplant.  In a scene that feels like a fantasy today, we see people apparently all across the country watching the news story on Lee.  One guy in a bar yells at everyone to be quiet so he can hear the story.  It feels incredibly dated and almost too earnest for its own good, if just because it’s hard to imagine people actually sitting around the TV and watching a network newscast nowadays.  (It’s also hard not to wonder if Mark essentially zapping the producer and taking over his mind is a good example of what the Boss wants done with the stuff.  That’s not something that Jonathan has ever done, even though it would have made things a lot simpler.)

People across the country donate money so that Lee can get her operation.  Lee’s cancer goes into remission but the “To Be Continued” announcement at the end of the episode feels a bit ominous.  If Lee’s going to be okay, why does the story need to be coninuted?

We’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Review: Decoy 1.11 “Two Days To Kill”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

This week’s episode is really, really good!

Episode 1.11 “Two Days To Kill”

(Dir by Stuart Rosenberg, originally aired on December 23rd, 1957)

Selma Richmond (played by a young Diane Ladd!) is the girlfriend of gangster Johnny Troy (Michael Strong).  Johnny is about to go on trial and Selma’s testimony about his crimes is the key piece of evidence against him.  Knowing that Johnny wants Selma dead, the police put her up in an apartment.  Casey is assigned to protect her.

At first, Casey and Selma seem to become unlikely friends.  Selma is flighty and obsessed with Hollywood.  Even though she’s testifying against him, she claims that Johnny is just misunderstood.  Casey, taking some sympathy on her, tells Selma about the man that she loved.  For the first time, we learn something about Casey’s background.  We learn that her husband was a cop and he died in a shoot out.  It’s a surprising moment and one that’s poignantly played by Beverly Garland.  (The camera closes in on her face while she slowly smokes a cigarette.)  Not only does it help us understand why Casey sometimes to seems to be emotionally detached but it also shows the friendship between the two women.  Casey doesn’t open up for many people but she does for Selma.

However, that friendship ends when Selma realizes that Johnny will be facing the death penalty.  Selma manages to sneak a letter Johnny, letting him know where she’s being held.  Johnny shows up at the apartment, carrying a knife.  Casey is waiting for him with her gun drawn.  During the stand-off, Johnny tells Selma that he loves her and Selma believes it.  The Johnny uses his foot to unplug the apartment’s lamp.  In the darkness, he lunges at Selma and Casey opens fire, killing Johnny.  Selma’s response is to shout, “I bet you’re glad you killed him!”

This was an outstanding episode.  Director Stuart Rosenberg, taking over from Teddy Sallis, makes good use of the gritty New York locations.  Each scene is lit like a film noir, with Johnny literally emerging from the shadows at one point.  Rosenberg also gets excellent performances from both Ladd and Garland.  This was a strong episode and the best of the series so far.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 2.4 “Quarterbacks Tell No Tales”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, a player’s reputation is on the line.  Can he clear his name, even though all the evidence is stacked up against him?

Episode 2.4 “Quarterbacks Tell No Tales”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 15th, 1986)

T.D. Parker (played by O.J. Simpson) is pissed off!  The normally affable former player is angry that someone is dealing cocaine to the Bulls.  The press and the commissioner both assume that the dealer is rookie quartebrack Tim Yinessa.  (That guy that Yinessa caught searching his room last week?  He was a reporter.)  T.D. isn’t so sure.  He thinks that start quarterback Johnny Valentine (Sam Jones) is responsible for the team’s cocaine problem.  T.D. eventually confronts Johnny and tells him to stop with the drugs.

“25% of this league retires injured,” Johnny says, “You’re proof of that.”

T.D. gets so angry that he proceeds to stab Johnny to death punch Johnny in the chest.  “Welcome to the 25%,” he says.

No, T.D.  Johnny said “retired” players.  Johnny’s not retiring yet.  Anyway, Johnny was so coked up that he probably didn’t even feel the punch.

As for Yinessa, he nearly gets kicked off the team when the real dealer plants some cocaine in his locker.  Luckily, his roommate — Jamie Waldren (Jeff Kaake) — steps forward and confesses that he was the owner of the cocaine that the reporter found in the room.  Diana orders Jamie to go to rehab.  “Sure, I guess,” Jamie replies.

While that’s going on, Dr. Death and Mad Dog Smears continued to harass the rookies by ordering one of them to fake a suicide attempt as a part of a practical joke.  At the bar where they hang out, they also sang a song against urine testing.  I’m not really sure why anyone would want to hang out at the bar, as it seems like the whole place only exists so that Dr. Death and Mad Dog can put on painfully unfunny stage shows.  Dr. Death and Mad Dog also told Yinessa that they would kill him if he agreed to random urine testing in order to prove his innocence.  Personally, I think Dr. Death and Mad Dog should focus on their jobs.  Maybe if they did a better job protecting the other players, T.D. wouldn’t have had to retire.  I mean, you can tell it’s really cutting T.D. apart that he can’t play anymore.

So, Jamie is off to rehap, Yinessa is still on the team, and T.D. didn’t have to kill anyone.  All in all, it was a productive week.  To be honest, it’s difficult to judge this show based on traditional standards of good and bad.  Technically, every episode is bad.  This week, however, was slightly less bad than usual.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.25 “The Dog Show: Putting on the Dog/Going to the Dogs/Women’s Best Friend/Whose Dog Is It Anyway?”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come abroad, we’re expecting you….

Uhmm, maybe not this week, Love Boat.

Episode 6.25 “The Dog Show: Putting on the Dog/Going to the Dogs/Women’s Best Friend/Whose Dog Is It Anyway?”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on March 26th, 1983)

This week’s episode stressed me out.

The cruise line is co-sponsoring a dog show that is going to be held in Mexico.  The dog that wins will not only receive $10,000 but will also become the new “face” of Honeycutt Dogfood.  All the contestants bring their dogs onboard the ship and take the cruise to Mexico.

Seriously, imagine the scene.  Hundreds of dogs on cruise ship, floating in the pool and running through the passageways — YIKES!  I will admit that the majority of the dogs were cute.  There was a white Samoyed dog named Tundra who was just adorable and who could do all sorts of tricks.  But still, I spent the whole episode wondering what would happen if a dog accidentally jumped (or fell — oh my God!) overboard.  What if one of the dogs had fleas and now, everyone on the boat had them too?  Who was cleaning up after the dogs?  And what about a passenger — like me, for instance — who wasn’t really a dog person and who bought a ticket without the knowledge that the ship itself would be home to hundreds of canines?

The storylines also made me anxious, just because none of them made much sense.  (It was obvious that the main concern for this episode was getting as much cute dog footage as possible.)  So, we had Isaac and Gopher buying Tundra from $8 but not realizing that she was a brilliant dog who could do hundreds of tricks.  Isaac and Gopher sold the dog to the Captain and Vicki, just to then realize that Tundra was a sure winner in the dog show.  Isaac and Gopher tried to convince the Captain to sell the dog back but it turned out the Captain already knew Tundra was a winner.  Of course, as employees of the cruise line, neither Gopher nor Isaac nor Vicky should have been allowed to enter a dog in the show in the first place.

And then we had Isaac’s aunt Tanya (Isabel Sanford) running around with a Chihuahua while her husband (Mel Stewart) got jealous.  And we had Pamela (Catherine Bach) realizing that Gary (Dirk Benedict) was the new owner of a dog that she had lost two years before.  And then there was boozy Mrs. Honeycutt (Jo Anne Worley) boarding the ship and searching for her husband, not realizing that he wouldn’t be arriving until the ship reached Mexico.  For his part, Mr. Honeycutt (Gordon Jump) spent most of this episode in Las Vegas with his secretary.

Finally, Harold Pack (Ray Buktencia), who worked in Honeycutt’s mailroom, boarded the boat with some forms from Mr. Honeycutt and was immediately mistaken for his boss.  Pretending to be Mr. Honeycutt, Harold romanced a dog owner named Wendy (Heather Thomas).  Imagine Wendy’s surprise when she learned Mrs. Honeycutt was on the boat and looking for her husband….

Oh God, I’m getting stressed just writing about all this.

Things worked out in the end.  Mr. Honeycutt, having returned from Vegas, announced that there was a tie and all the dogs were winners!  Harold protected Honeycutt’s secret and got promoted to Vice President.  Pamela and Gary decided to own the dog together.  Vicki got Tundra!  Yay!  I was happy about that.  Tundra was adorable!

This episode was exhausting.  Too many dogs, too many half-baked stories, too much overacting on the part of Isabel Sanford, it was just too much.

Song of the Day: El Chacal by Ola Fresca

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

There’s always been something very annoying about the cult surrounding Che Guevara.  Because his face looked good on a poster and his execution was probably carried out by the CIA, a lot of people have deified a shallow-minded rich kid whose main accomplishment was executing several of his fellow countrymen and then totally failing in his attempts to overthrow the government of Bolivia.

Thankfully, there’s a song that tells the truth.  From Ola Fresca, here is El Chacal.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.5 “Excessive Force”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Earlier tonight, I was thinking I might get to bed early as a way to battle my depression over the election in New York City.  Then I suddenly remembered that I still had to review this stupid show.

Episode 3.5 “Excessive Force”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on September 7th, 1997)

A bank is robbed in Santa Monica so Chris and Victor ride their little bicycles really fast to the scene of the crime.  Victor gets shot in the behind and he spends the rest of the episode with everyone laughing about the fact that it’s excruciatingly painful for him to sit down.  (Wow, what a great group of people.)  Chris shoots one of the robbers in the neck so he swears revenge on her.

Meanwhile, Palermo’s ex-wife is married to an abusive police detective.  She briefly moves back in with Palermo, they end up going at it on the couch, and their daughter gets upset.

As is almost always the case with this show, it’s hard to get involved in the human drama because all of the humans are pretty dull.  Chris ends up staying at TC’s apartment for her own safety and there’s a lot of “will-they-or-won’t-they” tension but it doesn’t add up to anything because TC is boring and Chris is equally boring so who cares?  Meanwhile, Lt. Palermo just comes across as being the volleyball coach from Hell.

Oddly, this episode had a really impressive guest cast.  Dey Young played Palermo’s ex-wife.  Cliff de Young played her new husband.  John Hawkes — as in future Oscar nominee John Hawkes — played the brother of the guy who wanted to kill Chris.  Even Dorian Gregory, from the weird second season of Baywatch Nights, showed up as an FBI agent.  The guest stars were the lucky ones.  None of them had to pretend to be excited about riding a bicycle.

What a silly show.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.17 “Awakening of Love/The Imposter”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

It’s time for a trip to 1984.

Episode 7.17 “Awakening of Love/The Imposter”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on March 17th, 1984)

Wendy Collins (Robin Mattson) is a beautiful model who cannot overcome her trust issues.  She fears that she might be frigid and she even resists Roarke’s attempts to make her fantasy of finding true love come true by setting her up with photographer (Rod McCrary).  Wendy finally reveals the truth to Roarke.  She grew up in a troubled home and, as a result, she has a hard time trusting people.  She’s only had one lover and the lover was….

“An older man?” Roarke asks.

“A woman,” Wendy reveals.

The camera zooms in on Roarke looking shocked.

Welcome to 1984!  Now, today, it’s pretty obvious what would happen.  Wendy would fall in love with the photographer’s assistant, Carla (Renee Lippin), and she would realize that there was nothing wrong with that.  But this episode aired in 1984, which means that Wendy has to find the courage to tell the photographer that her previous lover was a woman and that the photographer will then have to be willing to say that it doesn’t matter.  Basically, Wendy’s fantasy is to be reassured that she’s straight despite having had one same-sex relationship.

Yes, well, hmmm …. hey, what’s going on in the other fantasy?

Arthur Crane (John Davidson) has a compulsive disorder that leads to him assuming other people’s identities.  That’s quite a serious problem and Fantasy Island plays it for laughs.  Roarke tells Lawrence to follow Arthur around the Island and to keep Arthur from taking on anyone else’s identity.  Lawrence is terrible at his job.  (Tattoo could have done it!)  Arthur pretends to be a movie producer.  Arthur pretends to be Mr.  Roarke.  (Okay, that did make me laugh.)  Arthur pretends to be a doctor so Mr. Roarke zaps Arthur into an alternate universe where he is a doctor and he’s going to have to perform surgery on someone who has had a cerebral hemorrhage.  Arthur points out that he doesn’t really have any medical skills or training..  Then he looks at the comatose patient and discovers that it’s ….. HIMSELF!

This storyline had potential but it was done in by some seriously bad acting and the fact that the fantasy was comedic so the viewer knows from the start that Arthur is not going to accidentally kill himself on the operating table.

This was a rather dated trip to the Island.  The main theme seemed to be that Lawrence was thoroughly incompetent.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.20 “Dead Man’s Riddle”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the CHiPs team investigates an accident and a guest star gives a really terrible performance.

Episode 4.20 “Dead Man’s Riddle”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on May 10th, 1981)

An accident in the mountains causes three cars to explode and one driver to die.  Since the dead driver was a captain with the Los Angeles fire department, the MAIT Team is sent out to recreate the accident and to try to figure out what happened.  They know that at least three cars were involved in the accident.  One driver died.  One driver is in the hospital.  And the other driver appears to be missing.  Getraer suspects that the accident could be due to people racing each other in the mountains.

What makes this episode odd is the casting of Joanna Kerns as psychiatrist Colleen Jacobs.  She’s assigned to the MAIT Team.  She actually drives through the mountains frequently and she even gets involved in racing sometimes.  In fact, she saw one of the cars right before the accident!  At first, she doesn’t bother to share this with anyone.  Instead, she just sits in the background with a guilty look on her face.  Finally, Jon Baker — in an unmarked car — tricks her into trying to race him.  That’s when she finally confesses….

….and faces absolutely no consequences!  Oh sure, Getraer gets a little annoyed and says that it would have been helpful if Dr. Jacobs had been honest from the start.  But Dr. Jacobs is allowed to continue to work with the MAIT Team.  Even though she intentionally withheld evidence from investigators, she’s not charged with obstruction.  Ponch tells her that she’s getting a chance to redeem herself which I don’t think is police policy.  No one comments on the fact that, even though she was worried that she may have previously caused a fatal accident, she still tried to race Baker.  Does no one care that, at the very least, she appears to have no impulse control?

Making things even stranger is that Joanna Kerns gives one of the worst performances that I have ever seen as Dr. Jacobs, delivering half of her lines as if she’s struggling not to laugh.  Even when she’s admitting her fear that she may have been responsible for the accident, she still seems like she’s on the verge of breaking out into laughter.  It’s very odd.

Speaking of odd,  an eccentric old man named Max (Owen Brooks) claims that he saw a UFO before the crash.  (Dr. Jacobs laughs when she repeats this.)  It turns out that he just saw a hubcap flying through the air.

In the end, it’s proven that the captain was not at fault in the accident.  That’s all that anyone really seems to care about.  I assume that Dr. Jacbos and Baker then proceeded to race each back to Los Angeles.

Lisa Marie’s Six Favorite Charles Bronson Films

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Brad listed his top Bronson films so I guess I should list mine!  Below are my six favorite Bronson films.  (Why 6?  Because Lisa doesn’t do odd numbers!)

Now, to make clear, I’m not the Bronson expert that Brad is so I will picking from a smaller pool of selections.  But no matter!  Let’s do this!

6. Death Wish III (1985, dir by Michael Winner) 

Yes, I have to start with Death Wish III.  The Death Wish sequels are definitely a mixed bag but Death Wish III was wonderfully over-the-top, a film that cheerfully dropped Bronson in the middle of an absurd circus and allowed him to tame the lions, as it were.  I will always love this film for the presence of Plunger Guy, a bad guy who heads into battle carrying a plunger.

5. Breakheart Pass (1975, dir by Tom Gries)

This is an enjoyable mix of a western, a murder mystery, and an adventure film.  Charles Bronson is a mysterious man on a snowbound train.  Charles Durning, Ben Johnson, Richard Crenna, Jill Ireland, and Ed Lauter co-star and everyone — especially Johnson and Durning — bring a lot to their roles.  This may not be one of Bronson’s best-known films but it is one of his most enjoyable and Bronson himself is at his most likable.

4. Death Wish (1973, dir by Michael Winner)

“My heart bleeds a little for the less fortunate,” Bronson’s Paul Kersey says at the start of the film and those of us watching immediately say, “C’mon, Charlie, really?”  That said, one reason why Death Wish works as well as it does is because Bronson actually gives a very good and very emotionally honest performance as a man who finally snaps and starts to take the law into his own hands.  (I love the barely veiled contempt that’s present whenever Paul talks to his son-in-law.)  Not surprisingly, considering that it was directed by Michael Winner, Death Wish is an often-sordid film that doesn’t have a hint of subtlety.  But it’s also brutally effective, a film that captures the way a lot of people feel when they hear about reports of out-of-control crime.  Even today, it’s easy to see why Death Wish was the film that finally Bronson a star in the United States.

3. Once Upon A Time In The West (1968, dir by Sergio Leone)

Bronson plays Harmonica in the most epic of all of Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns.  Leone pays homage to the American western while also gleefully subverting it.  The quiet and unemotional Bronson is the film’s hero.  Henry Fonda is the sadistic villain who guns down a child.  Jason Robards is an outlaw.  While I don’t consider it to be quite as good as either The Good, The Bad, or the Ugly or Once Upon A Time In America, Once Upon A Time In The West is still one of Leone’s masterpieces.

2. From Noon Till Three (1976, dir by Frank D. Gliroy)

For all of his reputation for being a tough guy who didn’t show much emotion, there was no denying Bronson’s love for his second wife, Jill Ireland.  From Noon Till Three brings Bronson and Ireland together in a film that is a third western, a third romantic comedy, and a third social satire.  It’s a film that gives Bronson a chance to show off his romantic side and it might leave you surprised!  The film also featured Jill Ireland’s best performance in a Bronson film.  I always highly recommend this one.  It’s proof that there was more to Bronson than just shooting the bad guys.

  1. Ten To Midnight (1983, dir by J. Lee Thompson)

This is the ultimate 80s Bronson film and one that I like for a reason that might surprise you.  On the one hand, you’ve got Bronson as a tough cop, Andrew Stevens as his liberal partner, and Gene Davis as the disturbingly plausible serial killer, Warren Stacy.  Bronson is great as the world weary cop.  His scenes with Stevens are amusing and, at times, even poignant.  (It helps that Stevens was the rare co-star that Bronson liked.)  Davis is terrifying and the film’s final moments are very emotionally satisfying.  (“No, we won’t.”)  But the reason why I love this film is because of the relationship between Bronson’s cop and his daughter, who played by Lisa Eilbacher.  Their scenes together — testy but loving — are well-acted by both actors and they always make me think of me and my Dad.  Ten To Midnight is the Bronson film that actually makes me cry.