Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.5 “Wally”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Dick Van Dyke has a puppet show.

Episode 3.15 “Wally”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 14th, 1987)

Jonathan and Mark’s latest assignment is Wally (Dick Van Dyke), a lovable old man who lives in a box in an alley, puts on a streetside puppet show, and goes out of his way to show kindness to everyone, from a dying boy to a woman who, like Wally, is an alcoholic trying to stay sober to the blind men who line the street and ask for help from people walking by.  Wally is destined to die, at which point he’ll become an angel.  The show suggests that Wally already is angel, having devoted his life to helping other.

Let’s see …. Dick Van Dyke as a saintly, homeless, recovering alcoholic who puts on a puppet show where the puppets discuss the difficulty of being poor in America.  Look, you all know how I usually feel about this stuff.  I usually take real issue with any film or television show that I find to be overly manipulative or heavy-handed.  I’ve also mentioned more than a few times that I think a lot of films and television shows tend to idealize homelessness, an instinct born from good intentions  but one that often ignores the very real reality and which is often counter-productive.  Too often, being homeless is treated in such a sentimental manner that it actually becomes a bit insulting.  Maybe, someday, someone should ask the people who live at the bus stop across the street from the Frank Cowley Courthouse how they feel about things.  Speaking as someone who once got called all sorts of names — and yes, one of them started with a C — because she refused an offer of a drink from a bottle in a brown paper bag while she waited for the bus to take her back to the DART train station after a day of jury duty, I could tell you a few things.  (Another person who could tell you a few things is a friend of mine in Florida who got evicted from his apartment and who spent a month alternating between living on the street and in a shelter.  He told me recently that the main thing he learned from the experience is that no one helps anyone.)  When you add that Wally was being played by Dick Van Dyke, a good actor but one who can go a little overboard when cast in a serious role, you can maybe understand what I was expecting from this episode.

And, to a certain extent, I was right.  This is Highway to Heaven.  It’s not subtle show and this was not a subtle episode.  This was an episode where everyone was so charmed by Dick Van Dyke and his puppets that they would happily let him into their homes to perform for sick children but no one was willing to help him get off the streets.  This was also an episode where Wally revealed that the money he did make all went to providing a home for someone else.  This is an episode where Wally’s kindness literally heals a dying child.  This episode was sentimental, heavy-handed, and a little preachy but it worked.  The show is just so earnest and Dick Van Dyke’s performance was just so heartfelt that it cast a spell that pretty much negated all cynicism for an hour.  (Despite my fears, Van Dyke did not go overboard as Wally, giving a performance that felt genuine and heartfelt.)  This was an episode that perhaps should not have worked but it did.  It worked wonderfully.

Song of the Day: East Bound and Down by Jerry Reed


Hey, it’s Hal Needham’s birthday.  What other song could we go with?

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’
A-we gonna do what they say can’t be done
We’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there
I’m east bound, just watch ol’ “Bandit” run

Keep your foot hard on the pedal
Son, never mind them brakes
Let it all hang out ’cause we got a run to make
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there’s beer in Texarkana
And we’ll bring it back no matter what it takes

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’
A-we gonna do what they say can’t be done
We’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there
I’m east bound, just watch ol’ “Bandit” run

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’
A-we gonna do what they say can’t be done
We’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there
I’m east bound, just watch ol’ “Bandit” run

Ol’ Smokey’s got them ears on
He’s hot on your trail
And he aint gonna rest ’til you’re in jail
So you got to dodge ‘im and you got to duck ‘im
You got to keep that diesel truckin’
Just put that hammer down and give it hell

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’
A-we gonna do what they say can’t be done
We’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there
I’m east bound, just watch ol’ “Bandit” run

Writer(s): Jerry Hubbard Reed, Dick Feller

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 2.4 “Chasing Stads”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

Bye bye, Stads!

Episode 2.4 “Chasing Stads”

(dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

After getting fired from her lifeguarding job after she follows Jason’s advice and complains about not getting promotion, Stads proceeds to accidentally burn down her apartment building when she used a faulty hair dryer.  We hear a news report that says it’s the worst “apartment building” fire in Malibu history so I’m going to guess that people died.

Stads should be going to jail on a manslaughter charge.  Instead, she hops on a plane and goes to Europe for a year.  This is the same Stads who, earlier in the show, was saying that she was flat broke.  Stads is gone and Jason is sad so he hops on a plane and joins here in Switzerland, where he gets a job working with her in a hotel.  I guess Jason’s gone now.  Yay!

Oh wait.  It turns out that Jason is dreaming of pursuing his musical career and to do that, he needs to return to Malibu because God knows it’s not like there are record companies in Europe.  Jason promises he’ll wait for Stads.  “I’m going to miss you.” Stads says.  Awww!

I, on the other hand, am not going to miss Stads because the show transformed her from being a fairly interesting character — a socially awkward lifeguard who was unlucky in love but totally capable of saving lives — into a fairly annoying killjoy whose main purpose was to roll her eyes and get mad at every single line of dialogue.  In the end, Stads represented the fact that the writers of this show had no idea how to write female characters.  In the world of Malibu CA, you could be a ditz or a …. well, I gave up cursing for Lent but you know what I’m saying.

Myself, I’m just trying to figure out the logistics of Jason suddenly showing up in Switzerland.  How did he pay for the trip?  How did he get over there so quickly?  Did he give his two-weeks at the restaurant?  Did he tell his dad or his brother?  Were they cool with him just moving to another country?  This episode certainly establishes that no one’s in high school any more so is their father okay with his two sons skipping college despite not really having any of the skills necessary to survive in the real world?  Seriously, this episode raised too many questions.

Meanwhile Lisa Jones tried to break Murray of his soap opera addiction.  It was pretty dumb.  Marquita Terry may have improved an actress since Malibu CA, I don’t know.  And let’s be honest …. it’s not like the show was really giving her great material work with.  That said, we are four episodes into the second season and her performance on the show is making Trevor Merszei and Jason Hayes look like Oscar winners.

Oy vey, this show.

Music Video of the Day: In Front Of The Alamo by Hal Ketchum (2007, dir by Glenn Sweitzer)


Today is Alamo Day.  It was 189 years ago, today, that 600 men gave their lives in the name of Texas.

This music video is about the Alamo so it seems appropriate for today!

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.11 “Sin-Sop”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Monsters heads down south.  No complaints from me.  I like it when things head on down.

Episode 3.11 “Sin-Sop”

(Dir by P.J. Pesce, originally aired on December 9th, 1990)

In the deep South, a young man named Brother Roy (Christopher Shaw) claims that he can literally extract the sin from people, turning it into a black sludge that can then be disposed of.  Brother Roy has the corpse of the most evil man in the world in his house.  Touching the corpse (ew!) allows for the sin to be extracted.  (This is why I prefer going to confession.)

Laura Daniel (Christine Dunford) is a reporter who is hopeful that she’ll be able to expose Brother Roy as being a fraud.  Larch Lazaar (Richard Borg) is a sociopathic murderer who shows up at Roy’s place shortly after Laura.  Laura and Lazaar are both skeptics but they’re also both about to discover the reality of sin-sop.

This was an atmospheric episode with an intriguing premise.  I’m from the South and I’ve heard the stories of the so-called sin eaters, people who would go to the homes of the recently deceased and “eat” all of the dead person’s sins, usually by eating food that had been placed near the corpse.  The deceased’s family would get the peace of mind of knowing their loved one was now without sin and the sin-eater usually got to eat a fairly large meal.  (That said, I don’t know if I’d want to eat food that had been sitting next to or, in some cases, on a decaying corpse.)  This episode makes good use of the sin eater legend and it features appropriately theatrical performances from Richard Borg and Christopher Shaw.  This was an entertaining piece of Southern Gothic.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.19 “New York, A.C./Live It Up/All’s Fair in Love and War”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you!

Episode 5.19 “New York, A.C./Live It Up/All’s Fair in Love and War”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 20th, 1982)

Poor Captain Stubing!  He’s just returned from burying an old friend named George and now, he’s thinking about his own mortality.  When he starts to feel unwell, Stubing goes to Dr. Bricker who tells Stubing that his problems are not physical.  The problem is that …. STUBING’S DEPRESSED!  Stubing decides to live each day to the fullest and good for him.  This was a simple storyline but I liked it.  I always appreciate the episodes that allow Stubing to be vulnerable without turning him into a hard-luck doofus.  In this episode, Stubing was dealing with something that almost everyone has either had to or will deal with at some point in their life.  It was also nice to see Doc Bricker giving good advice for once.  Bernie Kopell is so likable in the role that I always appreciate it when he gets to play Doc as being something other than a lech.

As for the other two stories …. agck!

Three New York friends (played by former teen idols Eddie Byrnes, Fabian, and Bobby Sherman) have boarded the cruise.  They are members of the Alimony Club.  They’re all divorced and they’ve all sworn that they’ll keep each other from marrying again.  They are a club that believes all marriages are doomed to failure.  But when Sherman’s ex-wife, Annette Funicello, boards the boat, it looks like the Alimony Club might lose a member.  And listen, I know that guys have their little rituals and their little clubs and that’s okay.  But the Alimony Club just feels weird.  It should be called the Misery Club because they seem to be more interested in keeping Bobby Sherman depressed than anything else.  I always find it odd when previously divorced couples get back together on The Love Boat.  I mean, did they forget why they got divorced in the first place?

Meanwhile, Jill St. John and Ron Ely have been having an affair for four years.  Every 12 months, they get together for a romantic getaway.  Ron says he can’t marry Jill because he’s married and has children back home.  (*cough* jerk *cough*)  Jill, who really could do better, insists that Ron leave his wife.  She even has her brother board the cruise and flirt with her (*cough*  Oh my Gosh, creepy! *cough*) to make Ron jealous.  Ron gets jealous, alright.  He beats up Jill’s brother and then reveals that he was lying about having a wife.  He’s not married …. he’s scared of commitment!  And now he’s ready to get married!  Uhmmm …. like seriously, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?  (I gave up cursing for Lent.)  Jill — you were a BOND GIRL!  You were TIFFANY FREAKING CASE!  YOU CAN DO BETTER!

Oy vey, this episode.

Song of the Day: Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie


It’s Ash Wednesday!

I remember, when I was like 14, I got up early in the morning and I woke up my sisters by shouting, “It’s Ash Wednesday, bitches!”  My mom was not amused.  That said, Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite days.  I just love the ritual of it all.  Of course, I also usually wash my forehead fairly early in the day.  That’s allowed, by the way.

Now, before anyone leaves any snarky comments, I fully understand that David Bowie’s Ashes to Ashes is not actually about Ash Wednesday nor are the ashes mentioned in the song literal ashes.  I understand that but hey, this is a good song.

Do you remember a guy that’s been
In such an early song?
I’ve heard a rumor from Ground Control
Oh no, don’t say it’s true

They got a message from the Action Man
“I’m happy, hope you’re happy too
I’ve loved all I’ve needed, love
Sordid details following”

The shrieking of nothing is killing, just
Pictures of Jap girls in synthesis and I
Ain’t got no money and I ain’t got no hair
But I’m hoping to kick but the planet it’s glowing

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
We know Major Tom’s a junkie
Strung out in heaven’s high
Hitting an all-time low

Time and again I tell myself
I’ll stay clean tonight
But the little green wheels are following me
Oh no, not again
I’m stuck with a valuable friend
“I’m happy, hope you’re happy too”
One flash of light but no smoking pistol

I never done good things (I never done good things)
I never done bad things (I never done bad things)
I never did anything out of the blue, woh-o-oh
Want an axe to break the ice
Wanna come down right now

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
We know Major Tom’s a junkie
Strung out in heaven’s high
Hitting an all-time low

My mother said, to get things done
You’d better not mess with Major Tom

My mother said, to get things done
You’d better not mess with Major Tom

My mother said, to get things done
You’d better not mess with Major Tom

My mother said, to get things done
You’d better not mess with Major Tom

Songwriter: David Bowie

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 10: High Road to Viator (originally aired November 12th, 1966)


Episode 10 begins with Marian Starett (Jill Ireland) and her son Joey (Christopher Shea) shopping for fabric in Grafton’s Store. Joey’s not that excited about the shopping experience so he’s just goofing around when he comes across a flyer for a dance in the town of Viator, WY. He shows the flyer to his mom, and you can immediately tell that she would love to go to a dance, even if she won’t say it out loud. Shane (David Carradine) notices how Marian’s face brightens up when the dance is brought up again later that night back at the ranch. He decides right then and there that the family is going to that dance, even though it’s a three-day ride by carriage. Tom Starett (Tom Tully) doesn’t see how they can abandon the work that needs to be done at the ranch, but he relents to Shane when he sees how important the dance is to Marian. 

So, the family heads out on the three-day trip to Viator. They sing and laugh and are having the best time as they make camp on the first night. Unfortunately, a group of thieves attack them and steal their food and many of their other belongings. Not to be deterred, Shane convinces the family to keep moving forward to Viator. Thanks to some brave work from Joey and Shane, Marian still has the special dress that she plans to wear to the dance. As they close in on their destination, Shane goes ahead to make arrangements for the family. When he arrives, he finds that Viator is now a ghost town and that the flyer was actually from the year before. The community’s mine flooded about six months earlier and just about everyone left to restart their lives elsewhere. Will Marian still get to dance? Will Joey get to see his mom happy? Will Tom stop thinking about chores? The answers are all here for those who are truly interested! 

Episode 10 is the most romantic episode of the SHANE TV series that I’ve encountered so far. The needs and desires of Marian Starett take center stage and Jill Ireland is quite wonderful in the episode. Every action Shane takes is to make Marian happy. When Marian won’t admit that she even wants to go to the dance, Shane knows her true feelings and he’s going to take her no matter who objects. When the thieves steal Marian’s dress and conk her on the head, Shane risks his life to get it back because he knows it carries a special meaning in her life. When they make it to Viator, even though they got the date wrong and the dance hall is now a dusty, cobweb filled mess, Shane wants Marian to wear her dress. He asks her if he can remove the wrap that she is wearing, revealing her in her dress, and for the first time in the series, we see Jill Ireland at her most beautiful. She’s stunning. Shane sweetly begins pretending that there are people and music in the dance hall just so Marian can enjoy herself. She happily plays along and Shane and Marian dance together to the music in their minds and stare happily into each other’s eyes. Tom and Joey walk in and watch them dance. Joey asks his grandpa, “How can they dance? There isn’t any music.” Tom replies “Don’t be too sure of that boy.” It’s an endearing exchange and a testament to just how happy Shane and Marian are in that moment. Next week Shane can get back to being a badass. In Episode 10, he just wanted to make Marian happy, and he did. 

Music Video of the Day: I’m A Woman by Jennifer Love Hewitt (2013, dir by ????)


Don’t mess with Jennifer Love Hewitt!

I’ve always liked Jennifer Love Hewitt, largely because we’re both Texas girls, we both have what others seem to consider to be an unusual sense of humor, and I imagine that we both share the same struggle when it comes to having to remind men that our eyes are up here.  Of course, for all that we have in common, a huge difference between the two of us is that Jennifer Love Hewitt can actually sing whereas I can barely carry a tune.  (That said, I’ve always felt that my karaoke version of All Time High was better than all the other karaoke versions.)  Jennifer Love Hewitt has released four albums, which is four more than I’ve released.

This video and song were done for the second season of the wonderfully silly and over-the-top The Client List.  Hey, Lifetime …. BRING IT BACK!

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.8 “Burnout”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Oh no!  It’s the cops!

Episode 1.8 “Burnout”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on April 20th, 1996)

This episode of Pacific Blue opens with a hilarious scene of Victor and Cory sneaking up on some drug dealers that they’ve spotted making a sale.  What makes it hilarious is that Victor and Cory somehow manage to do this while 1) wearing their blindingly white t-shirts and 2) riding their bikes.  There’s not much good to say about this show but there’s an undeniable amusement factor in the show’s insistence that bicycle cops don’t look massively dumb creeping up on people while on their bikes.

It turns out that the dealers aren’t selling the usual “smack,” as Cory puts it.  Instead, they’re selling steroids!  Sheila (Shannon Tweed) is upset that one of her waitresses had gotten hooked on steroids and…. wait, who?  Sheila briefly appeared in the pilot episode but she hasn’t been mentioned since and this is certainly the first time that we learn that Lt. Palermo’s girlfriend owns a restaurant.  This episode acts as if Sheila is a regular character that we all know and love.

I get the feeling this episode was meant to air earlier in the season.  Not only does Sheila return but Chris is back to being her arrogant, bitter self.  Chris was a fighter pilot until her eyesight failed, a story we hear again and again in this episode.  (She no longer has 20/20 eyesight but whenever she talks about it, she makes it sound as if she literally went blind.)  Another pilot, Greg (Peter Barton), comes to visit her and makes a few jokes about how riding a bicycle is lame.  This gives Chris a chance to defend her job and to also call out Greg for being a sexist who just wants to get laid before returning to the skies.  Chris may be right about Greg but he’s played by the totally adorable Peter Barton so really, why not?

Meanwhile, on the beach, a schizophrenic man annoys the owner of a bodega by playing his saxophone.  Fights break out,  Cory tells the saxophone man to play his instrument under the pier.  Presumably, it will be easier for him to get mugged or murdered under there.  I like that the solution when it came to the crazy homeless man was just to find somewhere else for him to be crazy and homeless.  Don’t take him to a shelter or a hook him up with mental health professionals or anything silly like that.

This show …. ugh.  I’m really hoping the first season is an outlier and the subsequent seasons will be an improvement.  The only thing worse than bicyclists are people who are cocky about being bicyclists.  For 8 episodes now, it’s been one person after another expressing shock at the whole bicycle thing.  We get it.  We understand.  The cops look stupid on their Schwinns.  But, that’s the show.  If Pacific Blue is still trying to justify its existence after eight episodes, that’s not a great sign.