Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.14 “The Fashion Man” and 5.15 “The Last Gig”

Posted on May 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This is it. This is the last gig This is the end of California Dreams.

But first….

Episode 5.14 “The Fashion Man”

(Dir by Kevin Sullivan, originally aired on December 7th, 1996)

This episode opens with the Dreams performing at Lorena’s loft, except there’s something off. Everyone looks a year or two younger than they did in the previous episode. Sam is singing that old “Hey Baby” song that we haven’t heard since season 3. Sly is hitting on the girls at the Loft, despite the fact that he and Lorena were a couple the last time we saw them. Later, in the episode, Sam will go crazy over a model named Samson and Tony won’t even raise an eyebrow. And, of course, all of the Dreams are still going to high school despite the fact that we saw them graduate a few episodes earlier.

Yes, this is yet another case of NBC showing episodes out-of-order. In this case, The Fashion Man was filmed for the third season but, for whatever reason, it wasn’t aired until the end of the fifth season. The Fashion Man is silly and a bit derivative of Saved By The Bell and it feels very much like a third season episode. It would be a totally acceptable third season episode but seeing it at the end of the fifth season only serves to remind viewers of how much better most of the fifth season episodes were from the episodes that were made for earlier seasons.

Anyway, in this episode, Sly and the Dreams get conned by a fake modeling agency. The rest of the Dreams figure out that it’s all a scheme but Sly is so desperate that he gives the head of the agency five hundred dollars and ends up with a bunch of useless photographs as the only thing to show for the cost.

Poor Sly! Eventually he does figure things out but only after he spends an additional $250 to cover a fashion show at Sharky’s. The Dreams sabotage the show. They say that they’re doing it to help out Sly but I think they mostly just enjoy humiliating the poor dope. This episode is okay but a bit cartoonish. Let’s move on to …. THE LAST GIG!

Episode 5.15 “The Last Gig”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on December 14th, 1996)

Wipe away those tears. The Dreams are playing their last gig.

This is it. This is the final episode of California Dreams. Everyone has graduated from high school. Everyone is making plans for the future. Many will be going away to college. But Jake is determined to keep the band together. And there’s one last gig on the pier to play!

And wouldn’t you know it …. there’s a producer in the audience! He wants to sign Jake but Jake insists that the producer sign the entire band. The band, though, tells Jake that they are ready to move on and that this is his dream. Even though the producer eventually agrees to sign the entire band, the rest of the Dreams turn down the contract so that they can go off to college and start their lives. With the band’s encouragement, Jake eventually signs.

For the record:

Tiffani went to the University of Hawaii.

Sam moves to England to study physics at Oxford. She and Tony amicably break up. They lasted the longest of any couple on this show and it was interesting to watch their relationship develop.

Mark goes to Julliard to study music and specifically states that he will never have time to return to California. So, I guess he managed to take care of all that community service that he got for nearly killing Tara Reid in the Graduation episode.

Lorena and Sly go to Pacific University together.

And Jake, presumably, goes on to become your grandparent’s favorite rock star.

You know who isn’t mentioned? Matt Garrison, the founder of the band! Oh well. Hopefully, things worked out well for him and Jenny, wherever they are.

Consider just how dismissive I was of this show when I started writing these reviews, I have to say that no one is more surprised than I am about how genuinely touched and moved I was by the final episode. Both the show and its cast really came into their own during the fifth season and it was hard not to feel a bit emotional as they said their final goodbyes to each other. The show ended on a mature and realistic note. Nothing lasts forever, to quote Hang Time‘s Coach Fuller.

Well, that’s it for California Dreams. Next week, a new show will be reviewed in this slot. But I’ll never forget surf dudes with attitude….

SING IT!

I’m going to miss this stupid show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.3 “State of the Union”

Posted on May 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master stands up for the working man!

Episode 1.3 “State of the Union”

(Dir by Alan Myerson, originally aired on February 3rd, 1984)

“Hi, I’m Max Keller and this is how I start my morning.”

So begins yet another episode of The Master! This time, McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is forcing Max (Timothy Van Patten) to start his day by running. McAllister says that it’s a part of Max’s ninja training but I think it’s more a case of McAllister just seeing how many stupid things he can force Max to do before Max says, “Enough!”

This week finds Max and McAllister in Clearwater, California. In order to make a little money, Max enters a dirt bike race. It turns out that Max is very well-known on the dirt bike circuit and he even runs into an old friend named Hog (Mickey Jones) at the race. Hog only shows up for a few minutes. He shakes Max’s hand, jokes about the fact that Max is traveling with a hamster and a weird old man, and then he pretty much disappears from the episode.

McAllister watches the race while stroking Max’s pet hamster.

Try to get that image out of your head.

Anyway, Max does not win the race. Instead, the race is won by Carrie Brown (Crystal Bernard). At the finish line, Carrie is nearly run over by one her competitors, Chad Webster (Cotter Smith). Chad is the son of the owner of the local cannery. It turns out that Carrie also works at the cannery. Max takes an immediate liking to Carrie and decides that he should also get a job at the cannery.

McAllister points out that Carrie is attractive. Max replies, “Does your ninja training make you immune to such things?” McAllister shrugs. It’s kind of an odd scene.

Anyway, at the cannery, Max quickly learns that there’s more to Carrie than just 80s hair and dirt bike racing. Carrie is also a union organizer! She’s carrying on her late brother’s dream of unionizing the cannery. This largely means handing out flyers and encouraging people to go to a meeting.

How bad are things at the cannery? They’re so bad that an older worker gets crushed by a palette. Fortunately, McAllister and Max show up just in time to help out. Through the use of one of his magic throwing ticks, McAllister is able to send the palette crashing into the ocean. While Max proceeds to flirt with Carrie, attentive viewers will see the worker — who is now probably crippled for life — being carried away in the background. Despite having saved the guy’s life, neither Max nor McAllister ever ask about him again.

Anyway, you know where all this is heading. Carrie wants to unionize the workers. Chad and his buddies try to intimidate the workers into not joining the union. At a meeting at the local church, Max gives a speech about how the workers have to get organized. There are plenty of fights and car chases and yet another bar brawl. That Max just can’t say out of trouble!

McAllister also joins Max on the dirt bike so that he can throw ninja stars at the bad guys. This leads to some pretty bad rear projection shots.

In the end, Chad is revealed to have murdered Carrie’s brother. The cannery votes to unionize and Max and McAllister promptly leave town because even they know better than to work at a union shop. Though it’s not specifically stated, I imagine that the cannery probably closed two months and Carrie ended up following in the lead footsteps of Jimmy Hoffa.

This episode was a bit silly, largely because neither perky Crystal Bernard nor perpetually mush-mouth Tim Van Patten were believable as firebrand labor activists. Lee Van Cleef seemed to be largely bored with the whole thing. Fortunately, next week’s episode features a guest appearance from George Lazenby so maybe that will liven things up on The Master.

We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.26 “Blast From The Past”

Posted on May 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Today, we say goodbye to season 4!

Episode 4.26 “Blast From The Past”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on February 24th, 2001)

The final episode of season 4 opens with the City Guys still at the Hamptons. (Wow, I guess this must be a really long weekend or something.) Chris is trying to plan “this one month anniversary surprise for Cassidy” and, for some reason, he thinks that it’s a good idea to ask Jamal and L-Train for advice. “Come on, dawg,” the very white Chris says, “a brother needs some advice here.”

“First piece of advice,” Jamal says, “don’t talk like that.”

Jamal tries to argue that anniversaries aren’t a big deal. Cassidy then enters the living room and announces that today is the 17-day anniversary of the first time that she and Chris said the same word at the same time and jinxed each other. She got Chris a card and everything. Anniversaries are very important and not just on this show. I have an entire calendar full of anniversaries and if you want to be a part of my life, you better be prepared to memorize it.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Al and Dawn are hanging out with Ms. Noble and Billy, which makes absolutely no sense. Al and Dawn make fun of Ms. Noble and Billy for being old. “Anything you and Dawn can do, Billy and I can do better!” Ms. Noble indignantly declares.

“Is that a challenge?” Dawn asks.

“Oh, it is on!” Ms. Noble replies.

Uhmm….I’ve said this before but MS. NOBLE IS THE PRINCIPAL! She shouldn’t even be hanging out with her students on the weekend, let alone challenging them on the beach!

Meanwhile, back at the vacation home, Chris has finally decided that he and Dawn will have a romantic dinner on the beach for their anniversary. (There’s nothing more romantic than sand and sea crabs!) The doorbell rings and, when Chris answer it, he’s surprised to see a girl named Nicole. They hug and Nicole announces, “When I heard you were in town, I had to come see you and say hi!”

“When you’re done saying hi,” Jamal announces, “Maybe you can introduce a brother.”

Chris explains that Nicole is his ex-girlfriend. Cassidy then enters the room and is a little less than happy to discover that Nicole is Chris’s ex-girlfriend and that Nicole lives in the Hamptons. Cassidy says she’s from the city. “I always wondered what it’s like to live in the city,” Nicole says, as if this episode is taken place in Appalachia as opposed to the Hamptons.

Somehow, Jamal and L-Train get roped into judging a dumb competition to determine whether Ms. Noble and Billy are a better couple than Dawn and Al. Let’s just ignore the whole principal thing. Billy and Ms. Noble are in their late 40s. They are challenging two seventeen year-olds.

Back at the vacation home, Nicole and Cassidy return from shopping. They’re getting along great until Cassidy asks why Nicole and Chris broke up. “Chris was a cheater,” Nicole says. Cassidy thinks that Nicole is referring to cheating at school. Nicole explains that Chris also cheats on his girlfriends. He’s a double cheater!

(But if Chris was such a cheater, why was Nicole so happy to hear that he was back in the Hamptons?)

Nicole reveals that when she confronted about Chris about being a cheater, Chris called her “the c-word.”

Cassidy gasps and I’ll admit that I gasped a little too.

“Yes,” Nicole says, “Clingy.”

(Interestingly, there’s no laughter or anything of that sort when Nicole says “clingy” so who knows? Maybe that’s what the C-word referred to back in 2000.)

You can probably guess what happens next. Chris is trying to set up the dinner without Cassidy finding out and Cassidy is convinced that Chris is cheating. Jamal and L-Train attempt to help Chris out by announcing that the three of them just want to hang out as guys but, when Cassidy doesn’t get the message, Chris tells her, “This week will go a lot better if you try not to be so …. so …. so …. CLINGY!”

OH MY GOD, HE SAID IT!

While Cassidy worries about whether or not Chris is cheating on her, the dumbass Best Couple Competition continues. Ms. Noble and Billy come over to Chris’s vacation home and they play a game where they try to guess what movie their partner is referring to. Ms. Noble and Billy easily win so I guess it’s time for Al to transfer to another school.

Later, Cassidy tells Dawn that Chris used “the c-word.”

“Oh my God,” Dawn replies, “Clingy!?”

And again, there’s no laughter. Either the joke went over the heads of the studio audience or it wasn’t a joke to begin with.

A deliveryman stops by and drops off some flowers. He explains that Chris paid him money to deliver flowers for “a secret rendezvous on the beach.” Cassidy, who is anniversary-obsessed, does not link this to their upcoming anniversary. Jamal, however, tells Dawn (but for some reason, not Cassidy) that Chris is planning on a diner for Cassidy.

Cassidy confronts Chris about the flowers and breaks up with hi,. Knowing that their friend is in pain, Jamal and L-Train promptly leave so that they can judge a tug-of-war competition between Ms. Noble and Billy and Dawn and Al. Fortunately, Dawn takes a break from pulling on the rope to let Cassidy know about the surprise dinner.

(For the record, Billy and Ms. Noble win the tug-of-war and the title of best couple. I’m not sure what pulling on a rope has to do with being the best couple but whatever. It’s a dumb plot anyway.)

Cassidy meets Chris on the beach and they forgive each other. And season 4 ends. Yay!

The first half of season 4 was fairly weak but the show kind of improved once Chris got his hair cut. Certainly, City Guys was not the best of Peter Engel-produced NBC shows but it wasn’t One World either. The biggest flaws remains the unrealistic depiction of Ms. Noble. The show’s biggest strength, at the end of season 4, is that the actors have finally stopped looking straight at the camera while delivering their lines.

Next week, we begin the final season of City Guys.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.15 “My Sister, Irene / The ‘Now’ Marriage / Second Time Around”

Posted on May 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat becomes …. THE DIVORCE BOAT!

Episode 2.15 “My Sister, Irene / The ‘Now’ Marriage / Second Time Around”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on January 13th, 1979)

Dr. Todd Gardiner (Peter Marshall) is the author of a best-selling book that advocates for open marriage but he’s never had one himself. He’s determined to finally have an affair while sailing on The Love Boat and, just to prove that he’s not a hypocrite, he’s brought along his wife, Eleanor (Barbara Rush), and he’s encouraging her to have an affair as well! Initially, Eleanor is not particularly enthusiastic about the idea of cheating on her husband, with or without his permission. But then she meets Captain Stubing!

The Captain and Eleanor have a very chaste shipboard romance. He gives her a tour of Puerto Vallarta but that’s it. As the Captain explains it, he’s a traditionalist at heart and, even though he’s fallen in love with Eleaonor, he’s not the type to take part in an adulterous affair. Eleanor realizes that the same is true for her. And, of course, Todd realizes that he doesn’t want an open marriage either!

However, it’s too late for Todd. Both Eleanor and Todd’s cruise girlfriend, Nancy Bishop (Phyllis Davis), reject him. Eleanor announces that she’s going to file for divorce. Since that was The Love Boat, I was expecting Eleanor to suddenly change her mind but the episode ended with Todd alone and Eleanor promising that she would see the Captain again in the future.

I believe this is the first episode of The Love Boat to end with a breakup instead of a romance. This episode also came out very much against open marriage, which isn’t surprising. For all the innuendos and the jokes about people hooking up during each cruise, The Love Boat was a pretty conservative show at heart. If you hooked up on the boat, you were expected to get married on shore.

Speaking of marriage and divorce, another passenger on this cruise was Doc Bricker’s ex-wife, Betty (Tina Louise). Doc Bricker found himself falling once again for Betty, which was a problem as Betty was traveling with her fiancé, Lance (Lyle Waggoner). Except, of course, Lance was just an actor that Betty hired to make Doc jealous. But then Lance and Betty fell in love for real and decided to get married. It was incredibly silly but Lyle Waggoner’s dumb-but-earnest actor schtick did make me laugh.

Finally, Irene Austin (Martha Raye) boarded the ship with plans to reunite with her old college classmate, Andy (Ray Bolger). However, upon discovering that Andy was still as spry and funny as he was in college, Irene panicked and introduced herself as being her own sister. Andy saw through the ruse and he and Irene left the ship as a couple, which was sweet. I mean, it was another silly story but the old school, showbiz veteran charm of Raye and Bolger carried the story.

All in all, it was a good cruise this week.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

Posted on May 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we visit the other side of the Island.

Episode 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 6th, 1979)

This was a bit of an odd episode.

First off, the official title of the show, for this episode, was Fantasy Island Sunday Special. Usually, Fantasy Island aired on Saturdays. This episode, as you can guess by the title, aired on a Sunday. Secondly, this episode does away with both the plane and Tattoo’s signature cry of “Da Plane Da Plane,” and instead has the guests arrive on the island in a hot air balloon. Tattoo (who is once again seen driving his little car, so I guess he finally recovered it after it was stolen earlier in the season) and Mr. Roarke are joined by a second assistant, Cindy (Kimberly Beck, who readers of this site will probably recognize as the likable lead in films like Massacre at Central High and Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter). At one point, Roarke says that “Cindy helps me on this side of the Island.” If nothing else, this episode confirms that Roarke has multiple assistants and the Island is really, really big.

Actually, it’s a good thing that Cindy is there because Cornelius (Red Buttons) and Alphonse (Billy Barty) have kidnapped Tattoo! Cornelius is a former employee of the Island but he was fired for stealing. When he returns to the Island, he says that his fantasy is to just have a pleasant holiday with his friend Alphonse. However, Cornelius’s real fantasy is to get revenge on Mr. Roarke by abducting Tattoo and holding him for ransom!

Of course, anyone who has been paying attention to the show up to this point knows that Cornelius and Alphonse have made a mistake. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo obviously loathe each other. When Mr. Roarke finds out that Tattoo is being held captive in a conveniently deserted castle, he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it. And Tattoo turns out to be such a disruptive presence that Cornelius is soon begging Roarke to take him back. In the end, Roarke demands money to take Tattoo off of their hands and Cornelius and Alphone end up paying off their debt by working in Fantasy Island’s kitchen. Tattoo is amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Mr, Roarke was essentially willing to let him die.

Meanwhile, two orphans (Kyle Richards and Michael Anderson, Jr.) are given a chance to pick their new parents. They spend time with two sets of prospective parents. (One of the potential fathers is a magician played by a youngish Regis Philbin.) From the start of the fantasy, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to ask to be adopted by Ruth (Juliet Mills), the head of the adoption agency. And that’s exactly what happens. The episode ends with Ruth and the children boarding a hot air balloon and flying all the way back to America.

As I said, this was a bit of a weird episode, with a new assistant and a hot air balloon. “The other side of the Island” looks a like a theme park. This episode was obviously designed to appeal to children and, for what it’s worth, the IMDb trivia section states that this episode was meant to be a “backdoor pilot” for a version of Fantasy Island that would appeal to children. (I assume Cindy would have been the main character.) Unfortunately, the kidnapping humor is a bit too broad and the adoption storyline is a bit too predictable. Hopefully, next week’s episode will take place on the adult side of the Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.21 “Phenom Blues” and 4.22 “New York Nick”

Posted on May 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Play-offs, baby!

Episode 4.21 “Phenom Blues”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1998)

It’s play-off time and, once again, the Tornadoes are at Indiana State University. Unfortunately, the Tornadoes are having a crisis of confidence because their first game is going to be against a team that has the best player in Indiana. Despite Julie calling them all a bunch of losers for being afraid and the Coach giving them a lot of game tape to watch, the boys are convinced that they’re going to lose and get sent home.

“This is our last night in Bloomington,” Hammer says at one point, “We should at least have some fun!”

Seriously, how can you not have fun in Bloomington?

Michael, Silk, Rico, and Hammer all go to a cow-themed amusement park. Unfortunately, due to a malfunctioning hanging gondola, they nearly plunge to their deaths. A helicopter shows up at the last minute and drops a ladder down to them. Yay, I guess. I don’t know, this was actually kind of dumb and it annoyed me that we only saw the ladder and never the helicopter. I mean, if you’re going to fake an amusement park disaster, spend some money and get a real helicopter!

Julie, meanwhile, spends the night watching game tape and talking to herself about how the other team is good but can be defeated. Even when she’s talking to herself, Julie is condescending.

Finally, Kristy and Coach K. play in a pool tournament. Kristy is playing because she wants to win a bike so that the team can give it to Coach K as a thank you present. Coach K wants to win the bike because his old bike got stolen. Sounds like a win-win, to be honest. Fortunately, Coach K has to forfeit the game so he can help rescue the players at the amusement park. Kristy wins and gives Coach K. the bike that he would have won anyways. Wow, that was suspenseful.

Anyway, having survived a near-death experience, the team is able to win their playoff game. Yay!

This was pretty dumb but it did have one funny scene where, while flipping channels on the TV, Julie comes across an old episode of Saved By The Bell and dismisses it by saying, “I’ve seen all of these 50 times already.” That’s my type of humor right there.

Well, I guess that, in the next episode, we’ll find out if the Tornadoes won that championship or not….

Episode 4.22 “New York Nick”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1998)

The Tornadoes are going to New York!

Wait a minute, what? Aren’t they supposed to be playing for the state championship? It is true that they won a trip to New York when they were in San Antonio but why are they going now? It doesn’t make — eh, forget it. I’m doing trying to justify this show’s messy timeline. Life’s too short and I’m getting a headache.

In New York, Mary Beth and Kristy can’t wait to go shopping at Bloomingdale’s! Julie can’t wait to talk down to everyone! Michael, Silk, and Rico can’t wait to go to a Pacers/Knicks game! And Hammer can’t wait to see his ex-girlfriend, a supermodel named Cindy! He asks Mary Beth for permission and Mary Beth is like, “Sure!” But she doesn’t really mean it. She’s jealous and annoyed and I would have been as well. To be honest, she should have just dumped Hammer right there. I mean, Julie will dump a guy just for having uneven sideburns. Why is Mary Beth always trapped in these go-nowhere relationships?

While eating lunch with Cindy, Hammer is approached by the editor of Teen Life, who wants to put Cindy and Hammer on the cover of their Coolest Couple Issue! Mary Beth says that she doesn’t have a problem with it but when Cindy and Hammer are invited to an industry party, it’s time for Mary Beth, Kristy, and Julie to put on some silly wigs and crash the party! In a fit of jealousy, Mary Beth destroys a cake and loses Hammer the job. So, now …. oh God, this headache is intensifying …. Mary Beth has to find a way to sneak into the editor’s hotel room and talk her into rehiring Hammer. In fact, Mary Beth is so persistent that the editor decides to put Mary Beth on the cover instead of Cindy. File this under things that would never happen in real life.

Meanwhile, at the Knicks/Pacers game, Michael, Rico, and Silk get into a food fight with a Knicks fan who later turns out to be a friend of the coach and …. oh, who cares? The only thing memorable about the game scene is that it was pretty much recreated word-for-word in a later episode of City Guys.

Who won the championship!? Maybe we’ll find out next week.

Retro Television Reviews: The Great Niagara (dir by William Hale)

Posted on May 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1974’s The Great Niagara! It can be viewed on YouTube!

The Great Niagara takes place during the Great Depression.

With the world mired in economic uncertainty and the threat of war right around the corner, people are more desperate than ever for entertainment. One of the latest fads is attempting to conquer the Niagara by going over the falls in some sort of raft. If done correctly, it can lead to fame and fortune. But, if one mistake is made while trying to steer the raft against the rapids and the rocks, it can lead to death. In fact, death is the usual outcome of most people’s efforts to conquer the Niagara. It’s actually illegal to try to ride anything over the falls but people still try to do it and crowds still gather to watch the attempts.

Old Aaron Grant (Richard Boone) is obsessed with conquering the Niagara but, because he’s been injured in too many attempts, all he can do now is sponsor and try to help others who are willing to take the risk. Aaron is the type who will look out at the Niagara and angrily shake his fist. He hates the river and he hates the falls but they’re also the only thing that gives his life meaning. After Aaron’s latest protegee, Ace Tully (Burt Young), fails in his attempt to go over the falls, Aaron starts to put pressure on his sons to make the attempt. Lonnie Grant (Michael Sacks) knows that Aaron has allowed his obsession to drive him mad and he’s also promised his wife, Lois (Jennifer Salt), that he won’t go over the falls. However, Carl Grant (Randy Quaid) is desperate for his father’s approval and it’s not long before he’s getting ready to enter the barrel and risk his life.

The Great Niagara is a short but interesting film. It’s based on historical fact. There’s been a long history of people risking their lives with stunts at Niagara Falls. A few years ago, there was a live television broadcast of someone walking over the falls on a tightrope. It was a huge rating success and it was, of course, sold as a tribute to the human spirit. That said, it’s entirely believable that a good deal of the people watching were doing so because they were curious about what would happen if the guy fell off the wire. By that same token, the crowds that we see in The Great Niagara are far more concerned with seeing someone go over the falls than they are with whether or not that person survives the experience. Richard Boone gives an obsessive, half-mad performance as Aaron and Michael Saks does a good job as the voice of reason. Randy Quaid gives a poignant performance as poor Carl, who is so desperate for his father’s approval that he’s willing to risk his life to try to get it. That said, the true star of the film is the Niagara itself, which is beautiful but obviously dangerous. When Aaron shakes his fist at the falls, it’s hard not to feel that the Niagara isn’t doing the same back at him.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.12 “Graduation” and 5.13 “A Band Divided”

Posted on May 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Dreams graduate!

Episode 5.12 “Graduation”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 22nd, 1996)

Graduation approaches and Mark is freaking out because he’s never had the courage to ask out Sarah (Tara Reid …. yes, that Tara Reid). When he finally works up the courage to ask her if she might want to go out with him, she says maybe and asks what he has in mind.

“Well, the school’s hosting a clean-and-sober graduation party….” Mark starts.

“I want beer!” Sarah replies.

And you know what? Mark’s a nice guy but that invitation seriously was kind of dorky. I don’t even drink and I would have totally rolled my eyes in high school if anyone had invited me to “a clean-and-sober graduation party.”

Sarah’s reaction should have been enough to let Mark know that they wouldn’t make a good couple but poor Mark. Over the course of three seasons, he has yet to have a real girlfriend. He’s desperate! He invites Sarah to the graduation party that he’s decided to throw at Lorena’s loft. And he’s also decided that there will be beer at the party! This despite the fact that Mark and the Dreams have just attended a school assembly where Principal Blumford (Earl Boen) warned against the dangers of teenage drinking. Someone is definitely not mature enough to leave high school yet!

And Mark’s proves that he’s not mature enough by getting drunk at the party, trying to drive to the beach with Sarah, and crashing into a ditch. Mark gets arrested, loses his license for a year, and — as he explains at graduation — he’ll have to do community service, attends alcohol classes, and pay a fine. Sarah ends up in the hospital and misses graduation. Mark explains that she has two broken ribs, a punctured lung, and a concussion. HOW DEEP WAS THAT DITCH!? At the ceremony, Principal Blumford announces that “to say I’m disappointed in some of you for what happened last night would be an understatement….” Dude, everyone knows you’re talking about Mark. Way to make him feel bad at his own high school graduation! Sam forgoes giving her valedictorian speech so that Mark can take to the stage and apologize. Way to make graduation awkward for everyone!

Oh well. At least graduation works out for everyone else. Jake and Tiffani make a model castle so that they can pass their history class and avoid summer school.

Anyway, this was a depressing episode but I support any show that tries to keep people from drinking and driving. Plus, the Dreams finally graduated! Yay!

Episode 5.13 “A Band Divided”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 30th, 1996)

Again, yay! This episode opens with the He’s So Funky song!

Unfortunately, the song is so great that it proves to be too powerful for the band’s amp, which explodes on stage. It’s going to cost the Dreams a thousand dollars to get a new amp. Lorena offers to loan them the money, in return for the band making her co-manager with her boyfriend Sly. Sly is actually okay with the idea. “A lot of great couple have worked together,” he says, “Sonny and Cher …. Bonnie and Clyde….”

Sly and Lorena’s first task is to convince the head of the School Dance committee to hire the Dreams to play at the next school dance and….

WAIT A MINUTE! THE DREAMS GRADUATED LAST EPISODE! SCHOOL’S OVER!

Once again, when it came to maintaining continuity by showing the episodes in the proper order, NBC just didn’t care.

Anyway, to the surprise of no one, Lorena and Sly struggle to figure out how to work together and soon, the Dreams have absolutely no gigs! Jake tells them a story about two brothers who both became king and who had to learn how to rule together. This leads to a lengthy fantasy sequence in which everyone gets to wear Renaissance Faire costumes that cause the studio audience to go crazy with each entrance. Unfortunately, the story doesn’t do much good because, rather than learning to compromise, Sly and Lorena demand that the Dreams pick only one of them to be the manager.

To me, Lorena is the obvious choice because she has the best hair. Mark says that he can’t choose because “Sly and Lorena are both our friends.” Uhmm, Mark …. Sly is also your cousin. (This is one of those facts that the show often seemed to forget about.) Tiffani suggests that they let some old surfer dude make the selection. It’s kind of amazing that the Dreams have stayed together as long as they have because none of them appear to be that smart.

Anyway, the old surfer names Lorena as manager and then says that, since he did her a favor, she should do him a favor and have the Dreams play his party for free. Lorena says that’s not a fair arrangement and then Sly jumps up and says it’s not a fair arrangement and the old surfer explains that it was all a trick to make them realize how much they loved the band and he rules that they should both be co-managers. I’m glad that worked out!

This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. Sly and Lorena are a fun couple and there was a funny B-plot in which Jake tried to rewire Lorena’s house in order to make the new amp work. Jay Anthony Franke was always at his best when the show gave him a chance to balance Jake’s innate coolness with Jake’s general incompetence.

Next week, we have the final two episodes! I’m going to miss the Dreams.

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.2 “Out-of-Time Step”

Posted on May 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The adventures of John Peter McAllister and Max Keller continue!

That’s right, the search for McAllister’s daughter is still on and Max is still learning how to be a ninja. But, before we get to their latest adventure, it’s time to enjoy the opening credits!

Episode 1.2 “Out-of-Time Step”

(Dir by Ray Austin, originally aired on January 27th, 1984)

“Hi, I’m Max Keller and this is how I spend my mornings….” Max Keller tells us in voice over as we watch footage of Max (Timothy Van Patten) balancing on a rope that’s been tied between two trees. Yes, Max is still our narrator and John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is still training him to become a ninja. Max is also still traveling in his van and with his hamster.

At the end of the previous episode, Max and McAllister were heading down to Atlanta to search for McAllister’s daughter. At the start of this episode, we discover that they are in San Francisco, investigating a lead that McAllister’s daughter may have danced at a club called Truffles. So, did they go to Atlanta or did they just change their mind and decide to stick around California? More to the point, did NBC say, “Hey, we’re not paying for you people to go out of state?”

Anyway, Truffles turns out to be a club that’s owned by Charlie Patterson (Charles Collins), a former film star who has fallen on hard times. (Charles Collins was a real-life dancer and when Patterson watches footage of a screen test that his character supposedly did for a Hollywood production, the footage is actually of Collins performing in a 1936 film called Dancing Pirate.) Patterson has two daughters. Kelly (Shanna Reed) is a dancer who thrills the club’s patrons every time she steps out onto the stage. The other, Jill (Lori Lethin), uses a wheelchair. Jill tells Charlie that he’s “an ex-hoofer with two daughters, one who wheels and one who does cartwheels.”

Upon arriving at Truffles, Max and McAllister discover that Charlie is being intimidated by Chinatown gangster, Johnny Chan (Brian Toshi) and Chan’s main enforcer, Mr. Lika (Soon-Tek Oh). Mr. Lika spots McAllister’s medallion and realizes that McAllister is a trained ninja. McAllister spots Mr. Lika’s ring and realizes that Mr. Lika is a member of the Yakuza. This establishes a mutual respect between the two of them, one that inevitably leads to a final battle between Soon-Tek Oh and Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double.

Of course, McAllister does more than just fight Mr. Lika. He also encourages Jill to stand up from her wheelchair and take a few steps. And when Johnny Chan has Kelly kidnapped, he and Max rescue her. (But not before Johnny shouts at her, “You’re a dancer! DANCE!”) It leads to a lot of action scenes but it doesn’t bring them any closer to McAllister’s daughter.

This episode wasn’t bad, largely because Soon-Tek Oh and Lee Van Cleef got a chance to face off. Even if all of the actual fighting was done by Van Cleef’s stunt double, it’s still undeniably fun to watch these two icons glare at each other and exchange tough guy dialogue. Plus, there was a lot of dancing! I always appreciate any show that finds room for more than one dance number, even if they are obviously lifted from Flashdance.

As I mentioned earlier, this episode ended with McAllister and Max nowhere close to finding McAllister’s daughter. But Max promised that they could keep looking. I’m sure they’ll find her. It’s not like America is that big.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.24 “El-Brain” and 4.25 “Pier Pressure”

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the city guys finally leave the city for a while. Drama follows.

Episode 4.24 “El-Brain”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 16th, 2000)

On Wikipedia, this episode’s plot is described as follows: “El-Train enters the Science Fair to prove that he’s smarter than everyone, including Jamal, who thinks he isn’t.” Unfortunately, this is one of the episodes that is not streaming anywhere online so I haven’t been able to watch it. Interestingly. the title of this episode would seem to indicated that I’ve been referring to L-Train by the wrong name all this time.

Well, he’ll always be L-Train to me. And I hope he did well at the science fair. I’m also going to assume that Jamal learned a lesson about judging people.

Episode 4.25 “Pier Pressure”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on December 16th, 2000)

Chris has got access to his father’s vacation home for the weekend so the kids are going to the Hamptons!

Everyone is super excited about the idea of going out on Chris’s father’s yacht. The only problem is that the yacht’s captain has called in sick. Fortunately, Chris knows how to sail. He, Cassidy, Dawn, and Al take the yacht out for a spin. As you can probably guess, this leads to one disaster after another. First off, Al forgets to pack the food because he’s tired of Dawn trying to micromanage his life. Secondly, Chris and Al turn out to be not quite the expert fishermen that they claimed to be. Third, after turning off the engine, Chris can’t figure out how to drop the anchor. Fourth, the boat floats until it hits a sandbar. Fifth, the boat runs out of gas. Sixth, the boat runs out of power. Seventh, Al announces that everyone is going to starve to death. That does seem like a distinct possibility but at least they’ll get to experience a little bit of the yacht life before they die. Plus, if they die, the show will be over and I can start watching something better.

Meanwhile, Jamal and L-Train invite two women up to the house, which they now claim to own. The women make themselves comfortable in the living room. Suddenly, Ms. Noble and Billy show up! What are they doing there!? It turns out that they’re spending the weekend at the Hamptons as well and they just decided to stop by. Seriously, school’s out. It’s the weekend! No one wants to see their principal on the weekend! And really, I am kind of suspicious of any principal who would decide to just drop in on their students during they’re own vacation. That’s weird.

Fortunately, it all works out in the end. Jamal suddenly notices that Chris, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy haven’t come home. The coast guard is called. Everyone lives! Yay! This is the type of episode that I can’t stand, where every problem is the result of people just being unbelievably stupid. But at least it only lasted 30 minutes or so.

Next week, season 4 ends!