Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.6 “Fat Tuesday”

Posted on June 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

After spending last week in Las Vegas, John Peter McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) and Max Keller (Tim Van Patten) drive Max’s van across the country in search of McAllister’s daughter.

Episode 1.6 “Fat Tuesday”

(Dir by Sidney Hayes, originally aired on March 9th, 1984)

This episode opens not with a scene of Max Keller in training but instead with Okasa (Sho Kosugi) visiting a dojo in Las Vegas. The master of the dojo explains that he does know where John Peter McAllister is but that he will not tell Okasa because he is not sure that Okasa is actually a former student of McAllister’s. Okasa responds by 1) fighting every student at the dojo and 2) proving that, unlike Lee Van Cleef, Sho Kosugi didn’t need a stunt double for his scenes. Having proven that he trained under the legendary McAllister, Okasa is informed that McAllister and Max Keller are in New Orleans.

That’s right! This week, we’re in the Big Easy!

Of course, any show that takes place in New Orleans has to take place during Mardi Gras. This episode is full of stock footage of the Mardi Gras celebrations but, at the same time, we never see McAllister or Max taking part in any of them. In fact, other than a trip to a jazz club and a fight on a dock, McAllister and Max do very little that one would normally expect to see a visitor doing in New Orleans. New Orleans is one of the most distinctive city in the U.S. but, in this episode of The Master, it might as well be Houston.

McAllister and Max are in New Orleans because a reporter named Eve Michaels (Susan Kase) has been writing a series of stories about how a wealthy businessman named Beaumont (Robert Pine) has been smuggling drugs into the city and selling weapons to Middle Eastern terror groups. In her stories, Eve claims that her source is named Terri McAllister. Could Eve’s source also be John Peter McAllister’s daughter?

Eve, The Reporter

No, she’s not. However, it’s not just a case of mistaken identity. As Eve eventually confesses to Max, Terri McAllister is a name that she assigned to a source that she made up. It turns out that Eve never had a source for her stories about Beaumont but apparently, Beaumont is such a shady character that it was easy for Eve to imagine what Beaumont was probably doing. Because Eve’s made-up story was too close to the truth, Beaumont kidnapped and killed Eve’s friend. That just made Eve even more determined to make up additional lies, all of which turned out to be true. As crazy as that sounds, what’s even crazier is that neither McAllister nor Max are particularly upset to discover that they’re no closer to finding the real Terri. Indeed, McAllister seems to find the whole thing rather amusing which makes me wonder if he really cares about Terri or not.

Beaumont, the bad guy

Of course, Max and McAllister are also busy proving the Beaumont is a criminal. They crash Beaumont’s Mardi Gras party. McAllister wears his ninja costume. Max dresses up like a …. well, I guess he’s supposed to be a pirate.

Okasa also shows up at the party, also dressed as a ninja. In fact, this episode’s saving grace is that it features more of Okasa (and Sho Kosugi’s determined performance in the role) than any episode so far. Not only do McAllister and Okasa fight at the party but they have a later confrontation at a park. What’s interesting about this scene is that McAllister isn’t in his ninja uniform so Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double was required to put on a really phony looking bald cap for the fight scenes. Needless to say, the fight scenes are filmed in long shot and McAllister never faces the camera.

Along with fighting Okasa, McAllister also faces off against two of Beaumont’s men. In this fight scene, Van Cleef is actually shown throwing a punch and kick but he does so in slow motion and we don’t really see him making contact with anyone.

Oh, Lee!

This was a fairly generic episode. The most disappointing thing about it is that it didn’t really have any New Orleans flair to it. As well, the plot depended on a huge amount of coincidence and character stupidity. (Just imagine if Beaumont had just threatened to sue Eve for libel, as opposed to sending his hired goons to kidnap her.) Lee Van Cleef came across as being a bit tired and cranky in this episode. To his credit, Tim Van Patten tried to inject some energy and some humor with his pirate disguise. It didn’t work but at least he tried.

Next week: Max and McAllister take on an evil trucking company!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.5 “Red Dawn” and 5.6 “Dances With Malcolm”

Posted on June 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, on City Guys, Ms. Noble attempts to kill the neat guys! Who can blame her?

Episode 5.5 “Red Dawn”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 29th, 2001)

Ms. Noble is upset that all of her students keep looking at their phones so she decides that the perfect solution is to take Chris, Jamal, and L-Train and force them to compete for the title of Manny High Survivor. How do they win that title? By spending three days in Central Park without food and shelter.

Uhmmm….

This episode is yet another example of Ms. Noble proving herself to be the worst principal in New York and her students blindly obeying her every whim. I mean, Central Park is not exactly the safest place in the city and Ms. Noble is basically abandoning her students there for 72 hours. Did she ask their parents beforehand? If one of them gets killed by a mugger, wouldn’t Ms. Noble and Manny High and the entire New York City school system be legally liable? Fortunately, Chris, Jamal, and L-Train are not mugged but a bear does escape from the zoo and chases them out of the park. The bear then shows up at Manny High, interrupting the school dance.

Speaking of that school dance, Dawn is upset because Al is already dating a new girl. She befriends Al’s new girlfriend and then tells her a lot of lies in order to make her and Al break up. Fortunately, Dawn sees the error of her ways and, after Dawn comes clean, Al forgives her and then goes off and dances with his new girlfriend. This is one of those storylines that would have been more effective if not for the fact that Dawn and Al as a couple never really made much sense to begin with.

Then again, this is a show where a high school principal forces three of her students to live in Central Park. Nothing has to make sense anymore!

Episode 5.6 “Dances With Malcolm”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 6th, 2001)

According to Wikipedia, here’s the plot summary of Dances With Malcolm:

Jamal teams up with Malcolm, his dance nemesis to audition as backup dancers for a group called six-street. Dawn and Cassidy ask Al and El-Train to secretly take over their advice column for women temporarily. So they can attend a taping of Late Night with Conan O’Brien. The column becomes a bigger success, but it proves to be an unfavorable double-edged sword for the two when Al and El-Train decide to manipulate the column for their own purposes.

I’m giving you the Wikipedia summary because this is one of the episodes that is not on YouTube. That’s a shame because it sounds like it involved dancing and I always love any show that features dancing. That said, this is City Guys so they would have found someway to screw it up. I will say that I doubt Conan O’Brien made an appearance on this episode. If he had, he probably would have been shown taping his show on the roof of Manny High. As for Al and L-Train manipulating the column to their own purposes, that sounds more like a Chris and Jamal subplot.

Next week, we will be one step closer to the final episode of City Guys and that day I’m finally free from having to review this show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.18 and 2.19 “Alas, Poor Dwyer/After the War/Itsy Bitsy/Ticket to Ride/Disco Baby”

Posted on June 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s disco, high school, and alcoholism on The Love Boat!

Episodes 1.18 and 1.19 “Alas, Poor Dwyer/After the War/Itsy Bitsy/Ticket to Ride/Disco Baby”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 3rd, 1979)

It’s time for the Haney High class reunion and one of the school’s most beloved graduate, Julie McCoy, has arranged for her former classmates to celebrate their 10-year reunion on the Pacific Princess!

This was a special double-sized episode of The Love Boat. (It was split into two episodes for syndication.) Along with being twice as long, this episode also features twice as many guest stars and a twice as much romance and drama. It turns out that Haney High’s Class of ’69 was a large one indeed.

(It’s not really made clear as to whether everyone on the cruise is there for the reunion or if there are passengers on the cruise who are just trying to enjoy a vacation. I have to say that I would be a bit annoyed if I boarded a cruise just to discover that it was being used for someone else’s loud and crowded high school reunion. Seeing as how the entire boat has been decorated with signs welcoming the “class of Haney High,” I hope that it was just Hany High alumni on the cruise. Otherwise, some people definitely ended up feeling left out of all the fun.)

Along with being a supersized episode, quite a bit of this episode was filmed while the ship was on an actual cruise. (The Love Boat would always take one or two actual cruises during each season. That was one reason why so many actors were eager to be on a show that was never really a critical favorite.) As a result, the characters in this episode spend far less time in their cabins than usual. Instead, almost every scene takes place on one of the decks. The ocean looks lovely. A scene where Doc talks to Gopher and Isaac features a striking sunset in the background.

As for the storylines, it’s a little bit hard to know where to start with this episode. Not only did the passengers all get storylines but so did Captain Stubing, Doc Bricker, and Julie McCoy. I guess as good a place to start as any would be with Malcolm Dwyer (Raymond Burr), the high school’s beloved drama teacher. Mr. Dwyer boards the ship and, rather than talk to any of his former students, he immediately starts drinking. It quickly becomes apparent to everyone that Mr. Dwyer has a drinking problem. He’s haunted by the fact that, rather than becoming a star himself, he instead just became a teacher. Fortunately, Captain Stubing immediately realizes what is going on with Mr. Dwyer and he takes it upon himself to help. When Mr. Dwyer demands to know why Stubing cares so much about his drinking, the Captain lets down his guard and reveals that he too is an alcoholic.

This episode was the first time that the show directly acknowledged that Captain Stubing was a recovering alcoholic, though it was something that was occasionally hinted at. While Raymond Burr occasionally seems to be trying too hard to turn Mr. Dwyer into a grandly tragic figure, the scene where the Captain talks about his alcoholism is still a surprisingly poignant moment. Gavin MacLeod really captures the vulnerability of the moment as the normally reserved Captain opens up about something in which he takes no pride. Gavin MacLeod was, himself, a recovering alcoholic and, when he warns Dwyer about his drinking, it’s obvious that it’s not just Captain Stubing talking to a passenger. It’s also Gavin MacLeod talking to the show’s audience. It’s a surprisingly poignant moment.

Speaking of poignant moments, Jack Forbes (John Rubinstein) is on the cruise with his wife, Kathy (Judi West). When Jack sees Mike Kelly (Michael Cole), he freaks out. Mike was the king of Haney High, the high school quarterback with a bright future ahead of him. In school, he was Jack’s best friend. After they graduated, both Jack and Mike received their draft notices. Mike went to Vietnam and returned in a wheelchair. Jack fled to Canada with Kathy. When Jack sees Mike, he feels ashamed of himself and lies about what he did during the war. Jack worries that, if everyone finds out that he was a cowardly draft dodger, they’ll toss him overboard.

(To be honest, if Jack should be worried about anything, it should be running into the guy who got sent to Vietnam in his place. When someone dodged the draft, that meant someone else has to go in his place and that person was usually someone who didn’t have the resources to just pick up and leave the country.)

With Kathy’s encouragement, Jack finally confesses to Mike and Mike tells Jack that he already knew. Mike forgives Jack and, again, it’s a surprisingly poignant moment. John Rubinstein and Michael Cole both gave heartfelt and committed performances and the show approached the issue with the type of nuance that I don’t most people would necessarily expect from an episode of The Love Boat.

While this is going on, Doc is spending the cruise with Bitsy (Conchata Ferrell). When Doc saw Bity’s high school yearbook photo, he insisted that Julie sit him up with her. (Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.) Doc is shocked to discover that Bitsy has gained weight since high school. Gopher and Isaac give Doc a hard time for dating Bitsy during the cruise. After getting to know her and discovering her quick wit, Doc announces that Bitsy is beautiful even if she is “chubby” and, believe it or not, as bad as it is to read about it, the whole thing feels even more cringey and awkward when you watch the episode. This was another storyline that existed to confirm that Doc and Gopher were walking HR nightmares.

Meanwhile, Wendy (Kim Darby) is trying to figure out which one of her former classmates anonymously paid for her ticket and sent her a love poem. Was it Ross Randall (Christopher George), who is now a television star? Was it former class clown Pete DeLuca (Kelly Monteith)? Or was it the class hippie, Jason Markham (Bob Denver)? What was odd about this storyline was that the cruise was for Julie’s ten-year class reunion but both Christopher George and especially Bob Denver were obviously quite a bit older than the other members of their class. (If either one of them was 28, one can only assume they spent the past decade drinking 24/7.) Ross, at one point, talked about how Mr. Dwyer was the teacher who inspired him but Ross appeared to be roughly the same age as Mr. Dwyer. It was weird but hey, that’s The Love Boat!

As for who sent Wendy the ticket, it turned out that her secret admirer was her husband, Tom (David Landberg). Tom and Wendy were separated so Tom decided to send her on the cruise so she could find someone better. (That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever written.) In the end, Wendy realizes that she still loves Tom. Yay!

Finally, Julie is super-excited because her ex-boyfriend, Joey (Michael Lembeck), is on the cruise. Joey is now a disco instruction (yay!) and he works with Sherry (Lisa Hartman), who was the most popular girl at Haney High. Julie wants to rekindle her romance with Joey but it soon becomes clear that Sherry has feelings for Joey too. Sherry even asks Julie to back off a little when it comes to Joey. However, when Gopher and Isaac take a break from fat-shaming Bitsy and Doc, they encourage Julie to fight for what she wants. Julie pursues Joey even more aggressively. In the end, Julie, Joey, and Sherry all realize that Joey and Sherry belong together but it was still interesting to see Julie in a less than heroic role for once.

Of course, the best thing about the Julie/Joey/Sherry love triangle is that it featured disco! Joey not only taught everyone how to dance but he also turned the ship’s ballroom into a huge discotheque. By the end of the episode, everyone was dancing while a disco version of the Love Boat theme played. It was great!

As you may have guessed, I really enjoyed this episode. Yes, the stuff with Bitsy was cringey and it was annoying that Bitsy never got a chance to really stand up for herself and tell everyone to just accept her for who she was. (Conchata Ferrell was an actress who was at her best when she was telling people off.) But the rest of the episode was surprisingly well-written and acted and the fact that the cast and crew went on an actual cruise while filming only added to the fun. If nothing else, this episode showed why the cruise industry continues to go strong, despite all of the shipwrecks, hijackings, and pandemics that have plagued it for the past few decades. This was a fun episode, one that definitely made me want to set sail for adventure!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we begin season 3 of Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 7th, 1979)

The third season of Fantasy Island gets off to a strange start when, after announcing that the plane is arriving with this week’s guests, Tattoo approaches Mr. Roarke while accompanied by a one-man band.

Not even bothering to disguise his contempt his assistant, Mr. Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing. Tattoo replies that he is campaigning for the position of Honorary Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island. He hands Mr. Roarke one of his fliers.

Again, Mr. Roarke does not appear to be particularly amused as he informs Tattoo that he has been Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island for several terms now and no one, up until this point, has ever dared to run against him. Tattoo suggests that it is time for a change.

Myself, I’m just wondering what the heck is going on.

I mean, we are three seasons into Fantasy Island. It has been established that Fantasy Island is an independent nation, one that is home not just to the resort but also to a fishing village, a private school, an old west town, several haunted houses, a red light district, and miles of potentially dangerous jungle. Whenever anyone from America has tried to boss around Mr. Roarke, Roarke has replied that Fantasy Island is a not governed by American law. Given the size and the variety of lifestyles on Fantasy Island, I’m not sure that “Lord Mayor” is really the right term to use for the island’s ruler.

Beyond that, it’s been pretty much established that Mr. Roarke is Fantasy Island’s dictator. He decides what happens on Fantasy Island. He makes the laws. It’s his island and everyone respects his authority. The important thing is that, over the past two seasons, it has never been previously mentioned that Mr. Roarke is an elected official. If Tattoo were to win the election, would the Island become his? Is Tattoo truly trying to overthrow Mr. Roarke? Given how much Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize disliked each other, it would not surprise me if Villechaize would have been happy to see that happen. But, if you’re going by the show’s admittedly twisty continuity, the whole thing just doesn’t make any sense.

As for this week’s two fantasies, the first one doesn’t always make that much sense either. It features David Doyle as Fred Forbush, an underwear manufacturer. He’s come to the island with his wife (Constance Towers) and kids (Ronnie Scribner and Katrina Axley). Fred has gotten in some business trouble. Though his family doesn’t know it, he is on the verge of losing it all. However, he has a life insurance policy that will pay his family over a million dollars if he’s murdered. Though his family thinks that they are just on vacation, Fred’s fantasy is for Mr. Roarke to arrange for a hitman to kill him.

The fact that Mr. Roarke not only agrees to this but apparently also allows a hitman named Johnny Detroit (Eddie Mekka) to operate an assassination school on his island suggests that maybe Tattoo has a point about the Island needing a new Lord Mayor.

Johnny’s first attempt to murder Fred fails when Johnny slips on a leaf and ends up firing his sniper rifle into the sky. Humiliated by that failure, Johnny now feels that killing Fred is a matter of honor. However, Fred receives word that a clothing store wants to go into business with him! Fred no longer wants to die! Well, good luck with that….

Fear not! This is actually the episode’s comedic storyline so Fred doesn’t die. Instead, he ends up trying to hide from Johnny by putting on a wig and a sarong. When that doesn’t work, he tells his family the truth. (Needless to say, his wife is pretty angry at Lord Mayor Mr. Roarke.) Fortunately, Johnny’s mother (Kaye Ballard) shows up on the island and puts an end to the whole thing. It turns out that Johnny really isn’t a hitman. Instead, he’s just a guy named Wilbur whose fantasy was to be a ruthless killer …. which is not disturbing at all!

While all that nonsense is going on, Jack Summers (Peter Graves) and his daughter, Terry (Eve Plumb, continuing the tradition of former Brady kids showing up on both this show and The Love Boat) arrive on the island to see Dr. Frantz (Gail Fisher). Terry was an Olympic-level swimmer until a car accident left her in a wheelchair. Jack’s fantasy is that Dr. Frantz will be able to cure Terry’s condition and she’ll be able to walk and swim once again. Unfortunately, Dr. Frantz explains that there is no hope.

However, Mr. Roarke has also arranged for Terry to teach a water ballet class. The class is made up of disabled children and, as you have probably already guessed, working with them causes Terry to realize that she doesn’t have to go to the Olympics to do great things. As far as fantasies go, it was predictable but sweet. Even Peter Graves gets emotional watching Terry’s students in the water.

But what about the election? Tattoo names Chester the Chimpanzee as his campaign manager and loses the election when Chester eats the only vote that Tattoo received. By a landslide, Mr. Roarke is reelected. Presumably, his first post-election move will be to have Tattoo imprisoned for bringing Johnny Detroit to the Island, despite the fact that it was actually all Mr. Roarke’s idea. When you’re a dictator, you can do whatever you want. Hopefully, Tattoo will be free by next week’s episode.

This episode was a nice way to kick off season 3. The election storyline reminded the viewers of just how weird Fantasy Island actually is, as both a location and a show. Eddie Mekka made me chuckle a few times in the role of the buffoonish Johnny Detroit. And I was glad that Terry found the peace and happiness that was always denied to Jan Brady.

Next week: Abe Vigoda visits the Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.1 “Hello and Goodbye” and 5.2 “Managing Michael”

Posted on June 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

It’s time for Season 5 of Hang Time! As usual, the new season starts with several cast departures and additions. (Since Seasons 5 and 6 were both filmed at the same time, this season is the last one to introduce new characters.) Season 5 also sees Miguel Higuera taking over as the show’s regular director, replacing Patrick Maloney.

Episode 5.1 “Hello and Goodbye”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 11th, 1999)

It’s time for a new school year and a new basketball season! Julie, who has been a senior for four years now, is still the star of the team. Michael and Silk are also ready for another run at the championship. Rico, however, is gone. Silk mentions something about Rico joining the wrestling team. Fear not, there’s a new player named Eugene (Phillip Glasser) and he basically acts just like Rico and Vince. Who knew there were so many goofy Italian basketball players in rural Indiana?

Hammer has also returned but not for long. It turns out that he’s been offered a scholarship to attend a prep school in North Carolina. Accepting the scholarship means that Hammer will gain automatic acceptance to Duke. However, it also means leaving behind Mary Beth. (Silk also gets upset, saying that the team is starting to “feel like the Spice Girls” because everyone keeps leaving.) Hammer doesn’t want to tell Mary Beth about the scholarship until he knows for sure whether or not he’s going to accept it.

Meanwhile, Kristy is having a long-distance relationship with Antonio (Jay Hernandez) but she’s upset because she hasn’t seen Antonio in six months. (Maybe she could have visited him in December instead of spending Christmas in New York.) Because she’s apparently not required to attend classes or clear anything with her parents, Kristy impulsively decides to fly down to Texas. However, no sooner has Kristy boarded her flight than Antonio shows up in Indiana. Upon learning that Antonio is now in Indiana, Kristy flies back from El Paso. Once they’re both back in Indiana, Antonio tells Kristy that he’s decided to move to Indiana and go to Deering.

“To be with me!?” Kristy says, shocked.

“Well, it’s not for the Mexican food,” Antonio replies.

Do any of these characters have parents? I mean, is Antonio’s family okay with Antonio moving to Indiana?

Well, regardless, it’s good that Antonio’s there because, even though he initially turns down the scholarship to stay with Mary Beth, Hammer eventually does leave for North Carolina. The team sees him off at the airport. (Oddly, no family members are present.) Julie says that she’s sure she will eventually join Hammer at Duke. That made me laugh, as Julie’s been in high school for 6 years. Duke has standards, Julie!

This was actually not a bad start to the fifth season. I was sad to see Hammer go because Mark Famiglietti really did grow into the role towards the end of the fourth season. But Antonio seems like he’ll be a good replacement, mostly because he’s played by Jay Hernandez. He and Kristy make for a cute couple. This episode also deserves some credit for having Mary Beth mention that all of her boyfriends have eventually ended up leaving the school. She even mentioned Chris, from the otherwise forgotten first season. I’m a sucker for a good continuity nod.

Episode 5.2 “Managing Michael”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 18th, 1999)

This is a weird episode. Michael, despite having never mentioned anything about it before, is the leader of a rock band. Playing keyboards is Eugene, who is apparently now everyone’s best friend. Mary Beth is hired to manage the band but she discovers that Deering’s biggest (and only) rock promoter is a total sexist who refuses to do business with a woman. In order to prove that she can handle the music business, Mary Beth somehow manages to organize an entire music festival on her own. The Moffats, who were a boy band from Canada, even play the show. How did Mary Beth set all this up? I have no idea. All I know is that Mary Beth announced that she wasn’t going to let anything stop her and then, one montage later, the Moffats were singing her a song. I mean, Mary Beth is the character to whom I relate so I’m always happy when she succeeds but, in this case, it’s not really made clear how she managed to pull it off. In fact, the last six minutes of the episode is devoted just to the Moffats performing.

Meanwhile, the University of Illinois is planning on giving Coach K a distinguished alumni award. However, the team thinks that the college is trying to hire Coach K away from them so they spread a rumor that the Coach is an alcoholic ex-con. That’s a little extreme and dumb. Coach K finds out what they’re doing and makes them run some extra laps. Coach Fuller would have killed them but Coach K laughs it off because he’s still going to get his award regardless of his team’s attempt to ruin his life.

Seriously, this was a weird episode.

Retro Television Reviews: In Search of America (by Paul Bogart)

Posted on June 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s In Search of America! It can be viewed on YouTube!

College student Mike Olson (young Jeff Bridges) returns home and informs his mother (Vera Miles) and his father (Carl Betz) and his annoyingly quirky grandmother (Ruth McDevitt) that he’s dropped out of college. He apologizes for wasting all the money that they spent on tuition but hey, maybe he can make it up to them by taking them on a journey as he drives across America in an old bus.

Uhmmm….

Now, let me just repeat this so that there is no confusion. This absolutely schmuck took his parents’ money, wasted it, dropped out of college, and now he expects everyone to travel with him across America because he’s decided that he’s a part of the counterculture.

And, instead of telling him to go to Hell and get a job, his family agrees.

Oh sure, Mom is a little bit hesitant about Mike’s idea. But Dad is really enthusiastic. He understands the kids and he wants a chance to relive his own youth, before he got tied down with things like paying bills and being a responsible human being. And, of course, if the Hippies were famous for anything, it was their love of upper class, middle-aged people. Just ask the LaBiancas.

And, of course, grandma is totally excited about it because she’s an old person in a made-for-TV movie.

So, they all board the bus and Mike takes them to a music festival so that they can meet some of his friends. For instance, there’s Nick (Sal Mineo), a drop-out who says that he’s more burned out than turned on. There’s Annie (Tyne Daly), who is going to need someone to help deliver her baby. There’s Bodhi (Glynn Turman), who is some sort of doctor. He and grandma bond of their shared quirkiness. And then there’s Kathy (Renne Jarrett), who is at the music festival despite the fact that she’s really sick and on the verge of dying. When Kathy’s parents (Howard Duff and Kim Hunter) show up looking for her, Mike has to decide whether to save her life or respect her wish to do her own thing.

This was obviously meant to be a pilot for a show where the family would travel around the country and I guess get involved in different adventures each week. The main problem is that, while Jeff Bridges seems to be a bit of a hippie in real life, he’s not particularly convincing in this film. He’s way too clean-cut and his family’s decision to follow him across the country never makes the least bit of sense. As for the hippies themselves, they come across as being so shallow that I found myself wanting to donate money to the Nixon campaign.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.3 “Welcome Back” and 1.4 “Whodunit?”

Posted on June 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Well, let’s check in with Brooklyn….

Episode 1.3 “Welcome Back”

(Dir by James Komack, originally aired on September 23rd, 1975)

“I remember my first day….” Gabe Kotter narrates as the viewer watches him and Mr. Woodman walk down the distressingly dirty hallways of James Buchanan High.

It’s a flashback episode! Well, kind of. The third episode of Welcome Back, Kotter was actually the show’s pilot. As Kotter’s voice-over only makes one appearance at the start of the episode, it’s pretty obvious that it was a last minute addition to explain why the third episode featured Kotter meeting the Sweathogs for the first time. Apparently, the folks at ABC felt that The Great Debate episode worked better as an introduction to the show than the pilot. I’m not sure why, as the pilot does a perfectly serviceable job of introducing everyone.

Kotter is not particularly enthused about returning to the high school from which he graduated ten years prior. Mr. Woodman isn’t happy to see Kotter again, either. As they walk down the hallway, Mr. Woodman is still accusing Kotter of having started a food fight in the cafeteria. (Woodman insists that it was a riot.) Woodman says that since he doesn’t have any choice about Kotter being assigned to his school, he’s going to assign Kotter to teach the worst kids in school, the Sweathogs!

Entering his classroom, Kotter asks the students to introduce themselves. Not surprisingly, only four of them actually do so. Vinnie Barbarino stands up and shows off the smile that made John Travolta a superstar. Epstein is introduced as being the student who is “most likely to off someone.” Epstein explains how his ancestors were the first Epsteins to land in Puerto Rico. Freddie says, “Hi there.” And Horseshack laughs in that grating way of his. Kotter attempts to teach his class by allowing them to sit wherever they want and then engaging in a game of the Dozens with Barbarino.

“Up your nose with a rubber hose,” Barbarino says and the audience goes crazy.

Kotter insults Barbarino’s family.

“Off my case, Toilet Face,” Barbarino replies and the audience goes crazy, again.

Kotter starts to mention Barbarino’s mother.

“My mother is a saint!” Barbarino explodes.

Woodman suddenly shows up in the classroom. When he demands to know what Kotter is doing, Kotter looks to his class to back him up. When none of them do, Kotter decides to quit his teaching job.

Oh hey, I guess the show is over, right?

No, it’s not. Later, back at the apartment that he shares with Julie, Kotter is shocked when Barbarino and Freddie crawl through the window. He’s even more surprised when Epstein, Horseshack, and Rosalie Totsie (Debralee Scott) show up at the front door. Epstein explains that they stole a cab so they could visit Kotter’s apartment. They want to see how “the original Sweathog” turned out. Though Kotter pretends like he isn’t happy to see them, it soon becomes apparent that he knows he’s right where he belongs. Plus, Julie likes them because …. well, I’m not sure why. To be honest with you, if I was in her situation, I wouldn’t like for my husband’s students to come climbing in through the apartment window. That would be a deal-breaker for me. Freddie and Barbarino do attempt to steal Kotter’s TV but Horseshack returns it. Awwww!

And Kotter returns to the classroom. Yay!

As far as pilots go, it’s easy to see why this one was a success. John Travolta’s smile could light up a room. Actually, all of the actors playing the Sweathogs do a good job in this episode. Travolta dominates because he’s Travolta but the entire cast has a nice comedic chemistry. At the end of the episode, Kotter says, “Welcome back,” to himself and he sincerely seems happy to be there. He’s made peace with being a Sweathog forever.

Episode 1.4 “Whodunit?”

(Dir by Robert LaHendro, originally aired on September 30th, 1975)

In their tiny apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his aunt’s parrot and a dead butcher.

Meanwhile, at the school, Gabe sees Rosalie Totsy (nicknamed “Hotsy” by the Sweathogs) crying in the hallway. After a game of charades, Gabe figures out that Rosalie is pregnant! Who could the father be!? Sebastian Leone, perhaps?

No, according to Rosalie, the father was a Sweathog. Or, as Gabe calls them, the Marx Brothers….

This leads to a rather sweet scene in which Horseshack goes down on one knee and offers to marry Rosalie, even though he knows he’s not the father. He says that he wants to give her baby a good name and that Horseshack means “The cattle are dying.” Though touched by his sincerity, Rosalie turns him down. Gabe then invites Rosalie to come to his apartment so that she can talk to Julie. I’m not really sure if it’s a good idea for any teacher to invite a student to come to their apartment but whatever.

The important thing is that it leads to Rosalie demanding that the father of her baby marry her. All the Sweathogs are forced to admit that, despite all of their boasting, none of them have actually had sex with Rosalie. Rosalie then announces that she was lying about being pregnant. She just wanted to get all of the Sweathogs to go on record that she wasn’t a slut. “I ain’t easy!” Rosalie explains.

And …. yes, that’s one way to do that, I guess. I mean, I could understand where Rosalie was coming from because I went through the same thing when I was in high school. But I would have been happier if the episode had ended with a message that it really wasn’t anyone’s business whether Rosalie was having sex or not. Instead, the audience specifically applauded Rosalie for not being a slut, which felt just as judgmental as the audience previously laughing at the idea that she was. I kept waiting for someone to point out just how ridiculous it was that Rosalie had to pretend to be pregnant to get the Sweathogs to stop talking about her behind her back but apparently, that didn’t occur to anyone in the writer’s room.

After everything’s been resolved and Gabe is back home, Julie interrupts Gabe’s comic book time to tell him that maybe they should start a family. Gabe’s like, “Hell no!” He then says that Julie is all the family he needs at this point in his life. “I love you, honey,” Julie swoons. “Good,” Gabe says, “Tomorrow, call my mother and explain to her why you’re not pregnant.” The audiences applauds and Julie beats up on Gabe.

I wasn’t a huge fan of this episode but I’ll give credit to Ron Pallilo. That proposal scene was really sweet and nicely performed.

Next week: Barbarino enters politics! Sebastian Leone better watch out!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.5 “High Rollers”

Posted on June 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Viva Las Vegas!

Episode 1.5 “High Rollers”

(Dir by Peter Crane, originally aired on March 2nd, 1984)

“Hi, I’m Max Keller….”

This week’s episode The Master opens with Max (Timothy Van Patten) and McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) standing on top of a mountain in the Nevada desert. McAllister explains to Max that a ninja will sometimes be required to quickly descend from a roof or a cliff to the ground below. (Uhmmm …. okay.) McAllister has Max rappel down the side of the mountain. Though hesitant at first, Max does so and reaches the ground fairly quickly. However, before Max can brag too much on himself, he discovers that McAllister is already down there, waiting for him.

“Expect the unexpected,” McAllister explains.

I already mentioned this last week but I can’t help but feel that Max’s “ninja training” is mostly just McAllister amusing himself by seeing how far he can push his student.

Weekly ninja training completed, it’s time for Max and McAllister to drive to …. VEGAS, BABY!

That’s right! In this episode, Max and McAllister visit the ultimate American playground, Las Vegas. Of course, there’s a long history of movies and television shows being filmed in Vegas. In many ways, Las Vegas is the epitome of American ingenuity, a glitzy playground that has been built in an otherwise inhospitable desert. Many great directors — from Martin Scorsese to Francis Ford Coppola to David Lynch to Paul Schrader — have found their inspiration in Las Vegas’s unique aesthetic.

Unfortunately, the Las Vegas that we see in The Master seems to be incredibly tacky. There’s very little of the glitz and glamour that we typically associate with Las Vegas. Instead, the action takes place in one rather dingy hotel and casino, the place where it looks like a month’s worth of chewing gum has been hidden under the tables and smashed into the carpet. A group of thieves, led by the mysterious Blake (Art Hindle), are planning on forcing a showgirl named Tracy (Terri Treas) into helping them rob the hotel. Tracy happens to be Max’s former girlfriend and, in fact, she’s the whole reason that he’s visiting Las Vegas in the first place.

Blake’s plan to rob the casino is ludicrously complicated. Basically, his plan rests on convincing Tracy to flirt with the owner of the hotel and to convince him to invite her up to his room for a drink. In the owner’s room, Tracy is to drug his drink and then, when he’s passed out, she’s supposed to steal his keys. In order to make sure that she does this, Blake kidnaps her annoying 12 year-old daughter, Suzie (Angela Lee Sloan).

While Tracy is drugging the owner of the hotel, a bomb is set to explode at the nearby power station. With all of Vegas plunged into darkness, it will be all the easier for Blake’s men to shoot tear gas into the casino. While everyone’s disorientated, Blake will open the casino’s safe and then he and his associates will head to an abandoned western movie set in the middle of the desert. From there, they will wait for the arrival of a helicopter that will take them to safety.

I mean, seriously, what happened to the concept of keeping things simple? Blake’s plan is dependent on so many things happens at the exact right moment that there’s no way any halfway intelligent criminal would have agreed to have been a part of it. Along with all of the obvious things that could go wrong, Blake also has failed to take into account that he might be followed to the old west town by a ninja and his idiot sidekick.

Which is pretty much what happens. McAllister and Max show up at about the same time as the helicopter.

This leads to an elaborate fight in the old west town. On the one hand, it’s a nice homage to Lee Van Cleef’s days as a spaghetti western star. At once point, McAllister even tells Max that he feels oddly at home in the old west town. “I always wanted to be a cowboy,” McAllister says. On the other hand, it’s also pretty obvious that all of the action sequences and fight scenes feature not Lee Van Cleef but Lee Van Cleef’s much less stocky stunt double. That takes away from the excitement of seeing Van Cleef return to his roots.

That said, there is a cool moment where Van Cleef’s stunt double jumps over the helicopter.

One of the good things about this episode is that we did learn a few new details about Max and McAllister’s relationship. For instance, when Max wants to beat up Blake’s men, McAllister warns Max that he’s allowing his temper to control him. Later, Max has an epiphany in which he realizes that, unlike Blake’s men, he could never bring himself to kill someone. It’s actually a nicely human moment and it took me by surprise. It’s a moment that suggests that The Master perhaps had higher ambitions than just being a typical action show.

We also learned a little more about Max’s backstory. As he tells Tracy, his mother and his brother were both killed in a plane crash and he and his father had a falling out shortly afterwards. Max says that he doesn’t know where his father is. When Max says that, his relationship with McAllister suddenly makes a lot more sense. Max puts up with McAllister because he’s looking for a new father figure. That said, I’m still pretty sure that most of McAllister’s training exercises are just McAllister’s way of amusing himself at Max’s expense.

While I appreciated all of that, this episode was a bit too messy to really work. The casino stuff was difficult to follow and, as I mentioned before, Blake’s big scheme was a bit too big for its own good. I did like the fight scenes in the old west town but, unfortunately, the episode was nearly finished by the time that McAllister and Max arrived. This episode had a lot of potential but it still felt like it was never as good as it could have been.

Next week: Max and McAllister hit up New Orleans! Mardi Gras, baby!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.3 “Chicken Run” and 5.4 “Papa Please”

Posted on June 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode of City Guys finds Chris getting stabbed and the neat guys failing to get vengeance.

Episode 5.3 “Chicken Run”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 22, 2001)

Here’s the plot of this episode of City Guys, according to Wikipedia:

Jamal is labeled a chicken when he refuses to fight a gang member. Wanting to get rid of his reputation, he fights the gang member. The gang member pulls out a knife and stabs Chris, who was trying to save Jamal.

I’m giving you the Wikipedia description because this is one of the episodes of City Guys that is not currently available on YouTube. I actually watched this episode on Tubi, several months before I started this Retro Television Reviews feature. What I remember is that Chris was stabbed while trying to protect Jamal but it wasn’t a fatal wound. He did end up in the hospital, where Jamal swore that he would never fight again. So, I guess Jamal was willing to fight to protect his reputation but he wasn’t willing to fight to avenge Chris. What a jerk.

Let’s move on …. though I will say that if someone ever stabbed me, I would totally expect all of my friends and family to track that person down and enact some Biblical justice …. but whatever. Let’s move on….

SERIOUSLY, FRIENDS AVENGE EACH OTHER!

Okay, seriously, let’s move on….

Episode 5.4 “Papa Please”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on September 22, 2001)

Fresh from not being avenged, Chris proves himself to be the world’s biggest idiot when he meets Cassidy’s father for the first time. Consider that Chris and Cassidy have been friends for five season and they’ve been dating off-and-on for years but this is his first time to meet Cassidy’s father.

And perhaps that was a good thing because Chris totally blows it when he finally does meet Cassidy’s father. First, Chris gets into an argument with him about whether or not Chris had the right away while crossing the street. (Apparently, Cassidy’s father nearly ran him over.) Then, once they get a booth at the Manhattan Diner (why not just meet on the roof of the school?), Chris says that he’s dating Cassidy because she’s hot and then he compares his radio show to Howard Stern despite having been specifically told not to mention Stern.

In other words, Chris is an idiot.

Cassidy’s dad forbids Cassidy to date Chris so Cassidy decides to pretend that she’s dating L-Train so that Chris will look better in comparison. Cassidy’s dad takes an immediate liking to L-Train and soon, the two of them are golf buddies. Good for L-Train. He deserves a friend to play golf with.

While all this is going on, Al and Dawn are scandalized to discover that Ms. Noble is a smoker! They force her to sit through a lecture in which Al dresses up like a giant cigarette. I know I’ve said this before but …. MS. NOBLE IS THE PRINCIPAL! SHE’S AN ADULT! WHO CARES IF SHE SMOKES!? It’s none of their business if she smokes!

Anyway, this leads to a dumb conclusion. Chris is upset to learn that Cassidy has been pretending to date L-Train. Cassidy’s Dad is upset that Cassidy has still been dating Chris. “You never lied to me before,” says Cassidy’s Dad. Really, never? In the end, Chris convinces Cassidy’s Dad that he didn’t give him a fair chance by volunteering to stop seeing Cassidy if it’s causing trouble. Cassidy’s Dad is so moved that he gives Chris permission to date his daughter. Meanwhile, Dawn and Al convince several other students to pretend to smoke in order to show Ms. Noble that she’s a bad role model.

“It’s not easy watching someone you care about kill themselves,” Dawn says.

SHE’S THE PRINCIPAL, YOU WEIRDO!

I hope Ms. Noble smoked every day for the rest of her life.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.17 “Second Chance / Don’t Push Me / Like Father, Like Son”

Posted on June 7, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode of The Love Boat is all about second chances!

Episode 2.17 “Second Chance / Don’t Push Me / Like Father, Like Son”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on January 27th, 1979)

As usual, this week’s episode presents us with three different stories involving people on the cruise. Two of them aren’t that interesting and I’m going to deal with them first.

Fred Beery (Roddy McDowall) is a nerdy guy who is sailing on The Love Boat to get away from his clingy, marriage-obsessed girlfriend, Christine (Tammy Grimes). However, Christine shows up at the last minute and boards the boat with Fred. Fred suddenly starts sneezing. When Christine asks Fred to marry her, he sneezes and, for some reason, she assumes that was his way of saying yes. Fred goes to Doc Bricker and wonders if he could be allergic to Christine. Doc says that people can be allergic to one another. Fred is excited because this gives him an excuse not to marry Christine. But then Fred changes his mind and discovers that he’s no longer allergic to Christine. However, Christine now finds Fred to be too clingy and doesn’t want to marry him and …. well, that’s pretty much the storyline.

This was a bit of an annoying storyline. Even with Roddy McDowall in the role, Fred was not particularly likable. Fred’s refusal to get married and his sudden “allergy” was played for laughs but, when seen today, it’s hard not to feel that Fred is basically deep in denial. If this episode were made today, it would end with Fred finding the courage to come out and Christine realizing the real reason why he didn’t want to marry her. But, since it was made in the 70s, it ends with Fred begging Christine to give him a second chance.

The second storyline featured Robert Mandan and Randolph Mantooth as a father and a son who were both in love with the same woman (Cathy Lee Crosby). Crosby, however, was far more attracted to the older Mandan than the younger (and, it seemed, alcoholic) Mantooth. In the end, Mantooth made peace with the idea of the woman he loved becoming his stepmother. It sounds like the premise of a Lifetime movie.

But enough about those stories. The story that actually worked featured Debbi Morgan as Stephanie Jackson, a recent parolee who Isaac convinced the Captain to hire to work in the gift shop. When some pearl earrings go missing, Stephanie is the number one suspect because she was previously arrested for shoplifting. Isaac has to figure out if Stephanie stole the jewelry or if she still deserves her second chance. Eventually, it is revealed that Stephanie did steal the earrings but she also returned them hours later, locking them up in the gift shop’s safe. Stephanie nearly returned to her criminal ways but had a change of heart. After hearing her confession, the Captain tells Stephanie that she did the right thing and that she will continue to work at the gift shop.

I actually liked this storyline. Some of that was because Debbi Morgan gave a good performance as Stephanie. But also I liked the fact that The Love Boat was highlighting the importance of helping out the formerly incarcerated. Too often, when people get out of prison, they find themselves without any opportunities. Most businesses and stores will always find an excuse not to hire someone with a criminal record and, as a result, those recently released are not left with many options beyond returning to a life of crime. If we’re going to insist that prison is about rehabilitation than we have to be willing to give the formerly incarcerated a chance to prove that they’ve been rehabilitated. The Love Boat may have been a rather silly show but, with this episode, it sailed with an important message.

Next week: The Love Boat hosts a high school reunion!