Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume?” and 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

Posted on August 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Epstein becomes a vet and a flu epidemic hits the school.

Episode 1.18 “Dr. Epstein, I Presume”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 29th, 1976)

At home, over a checkers game, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, Walden Kotter. Walden was always concerned as to whether or not he was going to go to heaven.

“Did he ever find out?” Julie asks, without a noticeable lack of enthusiasm.

Gabe explains the Walden went to India and asked the High Llama. “The good news,” the High Llama said, “is that you are going to Heaven. The bad news is that you leave Thursday.”

The next day, an energized Gabe enters his classroom and tells the Sweathogs that it’s time for them to read their compositions about what they want to do with their lives. Barbarino wants to be a guy who never writes compositions. Freddie says that he doesn’t know what he wants to be but he wants to make sure it’s something that pays a lot of money. Horshack says that his essay is not about what he wants to be but about what he wants. “Dear Santa….” Horshack begins.

Suddenly, Gabe realizes that Epstein is not in the class. “I ain’t seen him,” Barbarino says before Epstein suddenly shows up at class, late because he says his pet hamster Florence is sick. Epstein has put Florence in a box and brought her to school with him. Everyone takes a look at the hamster. Epstein explains that he also owns several white mice and a chicken.

“Have you ever considered becoming a vet?” Gabe asks.

“My cousin was in the army, he didn’t like it,” Epstein replies.

“A veterinarian!” Gabe yells.

Epstein says he likes to eat meat.

“Not a vegetarian, a veterinarian!”

It goes on for a while but eventually, Epstein realizes that he could be “Dr. Epstein” and he agrees to talk to the guidance counselor about his new career goal. Yay!

Meanwhile, in the teacher’s lounge, Ms. Helms (Laura Zucker), the school guidance counselor, tells Mr. Woodman that computers and VHS tape are going to change the way that principals run their schools and teachers teach their classes. Remote learning is the future!

“Are you telling me,” Mr. Woodman says, “that someday, I will be able to run this school without having to deal with any students? Imagine that …. a school without students!”

Mr. Woodman is so excited about the idea that you have to feel bad that he wasn’t around for the COVID lockdowns. Seriously, he would have been in Heaven.

Overhearing them, Gabe starts to imitate a robot teacher. After an annoyed Woodman leaves the teacher’s lounge, Gabe brings in Epstein so he can talk to Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms tells Epstein that he doesn’t have high enough test scores to ever pursue a career outside of simple manual labor. She further says that encouraging Epstein to dream of being a vet is unfair to both him and dangerous to his animals. Visibly hurt, Epstein says, “That was the shortest career I’ve ever had,” and storms out of the lounge.

When Ms. Helms explains that teachers should not get close to their students, Gabe replies, “Up your nose with a computer hose.”

As always happens whenever something bad happens at school, the Sweathogs show up at Gabe’s apartment, where they ruin his latest attempt to try to get Julie to laugh. Epstein, Horshack, Freddie, and Barbarino all show up with Epstein’s animals and tell Gabe that they are all now his responsibility. (It turns out that Epstein owned a turtle named Truman Capote.) Epstein announce that all of his animals will be better off without him and Robert Hegyes delivered the line so sincerely that my heart broke a little for him. Seriously, whenever I’m about to dismiss this show as being too silly for its own good, it’ll surprise me with a scene of earnest sincerity.

Anyway, it turns out that Florence the Hamster is pregnant and this somehow leads to all of the Sweathogs donning surgical scrubs while Forence gives birth in Gabe’s classroom.

Gabe runs out the classroom and returns with Ms. Helms. Ms. Helms sees that Epstein supervised the whole process and admits that Epstein might have what it takes to be a doctor. When Epstein says that the two baby hamsters are named Julie and Gabe, the human Gabe tells the hamster Julie a joke about his Uncle Max, who was 64 years old and married a 28 year-old girl.

Back at the apartment, Human Gabe tells Human Julie about his Uncle Max who was 64 years old and …. well, you get the idea. When told that making love at his age could be fatal, Max replied, “If she dies, she dies.” Ouch!

This is the second Epstein-centric story of the first season and, much like the first one, it’s surprisingly effective. Robert Hegyes did a really good job of revealing that, underneath his tough exterior, Epstein was just an insecure kid who needed someone to believe in him. This was a good episode, even if I did find myself wondering where the Sweathogs found those surgical scrubs.

Episode 1.19 “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 5th, 1976)

At the apartment, Julie is upset over getting a crank call. Gabe tells her about the time that he called a butcher and asked him if he had pig’s feet. “Where do you buy your shoes?” is the punchline.

At the school, everyone is out with the flu so the gifted class has been combined with the remedial class. The Sweathogs are upset over having to share their class with the smart kids but actually, they’re just insecure because they think Gabe likes the smart kids more than them. Gabe reassures them by asking them a lot of sports-related questions. In the end, the flu takes out everyone except for Gabe and Horshack. This was an extremely simple episode and I got the feeling that it was probably meant to air earlier in the season than it did. The Sweathogs’s individual personalities seemed to a bit less defined than usual and Gabe seemed like he was still struggling to win the trust of his students. Considering that we’ve already seen the Sweathogs visit Gabe at his apartment several times, everything about their relationship in this episode felt a bit off.

To wrap things up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Morris. Morris told a judge that he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to become a U.S. citizen because he spoke “poor English” but, fortunately, the judge also spoke poor English. So, I guess that worked out.

Next week …. it’s exam time!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.13 “A Place To Call Home”

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master comes to an end.

Episode 1.13 “A Place To Call Home”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on August 31st, 1984)

The Master ends in much the same way that it began, with Max and John Peter McAllister in a small town that is controlled by an evil businessman. In this case, land developer Mark Richards (Jock Mahoney) wants to run the local orphanage out of town so that he can steal the land and expand his uranium mine. Max and McAllister not only help Kim Anderson (Susan Woollen) save her orphanage but they also provide some much-needed mentoring to two of the orphans, Mike (Doug Toby) and Bobby (played by Kane Kosugi). Bobby, it turns out, has some martial arts skills of his own! It’s amazing how McAllister and Max were always traveling to small towns that just happened to be home to other people who knew karate.

Though his son plays Bobby, Sho Kosugi does not appear in this episode, which is a shame considering that it would be turn out to be the show’s finale. For that matter, the show ends with McAllister having yet to find his daughter. In fact, Terri McAllister is only mentioned briefly at the end of the episode, when McAllister says that he and Max have to get back on the road because “I’m looking for my daughter.” Considering that the whole premise of the show was that McAllister was searching for Terri while Okassa was searching for McAllister, it seems like neither was really in a hurry to accomplish their goals.

A Place To Call Home feels like a greatest hits package, duplicating the plot of the pilot while tossing in a bit of the union episode‘s political subtext. Even the scene where McAllister attempts to hop onto a helicopter feels a bit reminiscent of the ghost town episode. The Master ended with an episode that resolved nothing and didn’t really bring anything new to show’s format.

Why did The Master end after thirteen episodes? When taken as a whole, the show wasn’t as bad as its reputation. While the stunt doubles did most of the work, Lee Van Cleef and Tim Van Patten still managed to develop a likable chemistry over the course of 13 episodes. At first, the show’s writer stried too hard to play up the idea of Max Keller being a rebel with a chip on his shoulder but, after the first few episodes, it appears that they realized that Van Patten’s greatest strength as an actor was that he had a sort of amiable goofiness to him. The stories were predictable but the fight scenes were usually (if not always) well-choreographed and entertaining. The stunt people earned their paycheck.

In the end, though, I think The Master never quite figured what it wanted to be. Did it want to be a straight action show? Did it want to be a goofy buddy comedy? In some episodes, McAllister was apparently a famous and well-known figure. In others, he was a total unknown. In some episodes, finding Terri was the most important thing in his life. In others, he really didn’t seem to care. The best episodes were the ones that winked at the audience and acknowledged just how ludicrous the whole thing was. But, far too often, The Master became a generic crime show that just happened to feature martial arts.

The Master is finished and, to my surprise, I’m going to kind of miss it. It had potential. But, it’s time to move on to a new series. Get ready because next week, it’s time for T & T!

Retro Television Review: City Guys 5.19 “Model Behavior” and 5.20 “Almost Fatal”

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Seriously, how have we not reached the final episode yet?

Episode 5.19 “Model Behavior”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 17th, 2001)

I have to admit that, with each week, it gets harder and harder for me to watch and review this stupid show. I’m currently on the final season and there’s only a few more episodes left to go but, every Thursday, I literally have to force myself to sit through whatever episodes are available on YouTube. City Guys was never a particularly original show to begin with. I mean, the only thing that distinguishes it from every other show that Peter Engel produced for NBC was that the cast was a bit more diverse than usual. But, by the fifth season, it was obvious that the writers were out of ideas and the cast was ready to move on. I’m at the point that, whenever I hear Al call his ex-girlfriend “Dawny Dawn,” I want to throw something across the room. Whenever Ms. Noble starts to talk down to her students, I want to scream. Whenever Chris say something dorky or Jamal asks someone to “Help a brother out,” I silently groan. It’s all so predictable that I feel like I could probably just guess what happened in each episode and be correct.

As for this episode, Jamal has a girlfriend! Now, because so much of Season 5 is not streaming online, I don’t know if this episode is the first time that we’ve seen Rosie (Jenna Watson) but apparently, she and Jamal are very much an established couple. Rosie gets an opportunity to be a model and Jamal throws a fit because he doesn’t want other guys checking out his girlfriend, even though Jamal was earlier doing the same thing to Rosie’s fellow models. When Rosie calls him out on it, Jamal learns an important lessons about double standards. Personally, I’m amazed that a successful model like Rosie would waste her time with someone who can barely handle running the cash register at the Manhattan Diner.

Meanwhile, Dawn is organizing a week-long trip to Florida and one of the students who was meant to be a part of the group has to drop out after she gets mono. Ms. Noble tells Dawn that it’s up to her to select who will be the replacement. Al and L-Train suck up to Dawn and try to convince her to take them to Florida. Dawn picks some guy named Jason instead and Ms. Noble gives Al and L-Train a week of detention. In the past, this is the type of B-plot that would have been saved by the comic timing of Steven Daniel but, at this point, I’m even tired of L-Train. To be honest, I don’t know why Dawn didn’t just pick her best friend Cassidy.

This episode just felt tired. The Florida trip made no sense whatsoever while the model storyline just made me think about how much better California Dreams would have handled the whole thing. I’ve been reviewing City Guys for nearly a year now and I’m definitely ready to move on.

Episode 5.20 “Almost Fatal”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 17th, 2001)

Here’s the plot description for Wikipedia:

After Chris, Jamal, and El-Train survive a car crash, they start going through some changes as they now view life in a whole new perspective. The three friends begin live to their lives on the edge by doing certain activities to the extreme.

This is one of the many season 5 episodes that is not currently streaming anywhere. That’s kind of a shame because the plot description makes it sound like this episode could have been interesting or, at the very least, memorably bad. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say that this was probably just another episode where everyone spent too much time hanging out on the roof and getting a stern talking to from Ms. Noble.

Next week, I’ll be more another episode closer to being done with this show!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

Posted on August 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise features Cyd Charisse!

Episode 2.26 “April’s Return/Super Mom/I’ll See You Again”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on May 5th, 1979)

This episode’s writers would want us to believe that the most important thing that happens during this cruise is that April Lopez (played by Charo) returns to the ship. During the first season, April was introduced as a stowaway who managed to charm the entire crew despite traveling illegally. With the help of Captain Stubing, April has gone on to become the cruise line’s most popular entertainer and this week, she’s returns to the Love Boat!

The crew is super-excited because April is such a vivacious force of energy. Or, at least, she was. When she shows up on the boat, she seems to be feeling a bit down. As she explains it to Julie, April has discovered that show business is not all that it’s cracked up to be and that it’s full of lecherous men. (Shocker!) April has decided that she would rather be a cruise director. Julie agrees to show April what the job entails and …. well, it turns out that Julie actually has a pretty easy job. She just goes to Acapulco Lounge at night, spots people who are alone or shy, and offers to dance with them. I do that on a regular basis. I should be a cruise director.

Anyway, April eventually realizes that she makes people happy by performing. Charo was a popular guest star on The Love Boat and, unlike a lot of other actors who appeared in multiple episodes, she always played April. (In this episode, she sings the show’s theme song.) In many ways, Charo was the epitome of The Love Boat, in that her act was meant to be both sexy and old-fashioned at the same time. The Love Boat was a show where everyone on the boat was constantly looking to get laid but the camera still cut away as soon as the cabin door closed and it was understood that sex on the boat would always lead to marriage on dry land. It was a show with the customs of the 70s and the morals of the 50s.

The episode spends a lot of time on April’s search for happiness. Personally, I was more excited by the fact that Cyd Charisse was on the boat. Cyd Charisse is one of my favorite dancers of all time and was one of my personal role models when I was younger. From the minute that Charisse boards the boat, the cameras are focused on her legs, which were just as spectacular as they were 20 years earlier in Singin’ In The Rain and Silk Stockings. Charisse plays Eve Mills, a former USO entertainer who, by an amazing coincidence, happens to be on the same cruise as the man that she fell in love with during World War II, Frank Pearse (Craig Stevens). By another amazing coincidence, Frank just happens to be an old friend of Captain Stubing’s!

Anyway, Frank and Eve recognize each other and they eventually work up the courage to approach each other. Eve thought Frank was killed in the war. Frank thought that Eve ignored all the letters that he sent her while he was recovering from being wounded in action. (It turns out the letters were never mailed because Frank’s nurse was in love with him.) Frank is still in love with Eve but he sees that she’s accompanied by a handsome young Frenchman named Francois (Stephen Schnetzer). Eve reveals to Frank that Francois is not her boyfriend. Instead, Francois is her son! And guess who Francois’s father is? (Really, the fact that he was named Francois should have given it away.)

Finally, Bud (Jerry Stiller) and Margaret (Anne Meara) are on their second honeymoon but, unfortunately, they’ve had to bring along their four bratty kids (one whom is played by a very young Corey Feldman). Bud wants to have a good time. Margaret keeps worrying about the kids. Bud gets a dance lesson from April, which leads to Margaret getting jealous. Don’t worry, they work it out. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara were adorable together but this story was stressful for me to watch, just because the kids were so hyperactive and never stopped running around. Still, the image of Charo teaching Jerry Stiller how to dance feels like it should be enshrined in a museum devoted to the 1970s.

This episode seemed to exist because the show’s producers really liked Charo and it’s hard not to feel that the rest of episode’s storylines were just treated as being afterthoughts. That said, I enjoyed the Cyd Charisse/Craig Stevens story. Stevens was stiff and dull but Cyd Charisse was Cyd Charisse and that’s all that really matters!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, on Fantasy Island, Tattoo falls in love!

Episode 3.8 “The Handyman/Tattoo’s Romance”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

Following the death of his wife last week, Mr. Roarke is once again back to being his usual cranky, Tattoo-hating self. And this week, Mr. Roarke has a special reason to be annoyed with his assistant. Tattoo has gone rogue!

As Mr. Roarke explains it, he has rejected the fantasy of Donna May Calloway (Audrey Landers) twice. Donna May says that she wants to be a country-western superstar but Mr. Roarke doesn’t feel that she has the talent and he also feel that Donna May is being pushed into it by her aunt, Ellie Simpson (Carolyn Jones). Ellie had to give up her own musical dreams when she was younger and now she’s forced them onto Donna May. However, Tattoo takes it upon himself to bring Donna May to the Island and to get her an audition with country-western producer, Colonel Hank Sutton (Richard Paul). Mr. Roarke correctly perceives that Tattoo is being blinded by his own crush on Donna May.

Col. Sutton is not impressed with Donna May’s audition. (It doesn’t help that Ellie pressures Donna May to sing a corny song about losing her boyfriend to her best friend.) Still, Ellie is convinced that Tattoo can somehow talk Col. Sutton into giving Donna May another chance. Ellie tells Donna May to use Tattoo’s attraction towards her for own purposes. Though reluctant, Donna May starts to flirt with Tattoo.

Tattoo may be in love but Mr. Roarke is enraged. He confronts Ellie and Donna May in their cabin and tells them that he will not allow them to manipulate Tattoo. (Much as with last week, Ricardo Montalban is obviously energized by having the chance to play Mr. Roarke as being something other than just an enigmatic host.) Ellie goes to Tattoo and lies, claiming that Mr. Roarke told them that Tattoo is not good enough for Donna May. What a bitch!

This leads to — and I’m not joking here — a sincerely touching scene between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. Tattoo tells Mr. Roarke what Ellie said. Mr. Roarke replies that what worries him more than Ellie saying that is the thought that Tattoo might believe it. Tattoo says that he doesn’t but that he loves Donna May and that he’s going to leave Fantasy Island to be with her. By most accounts (including their own), Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not get along on the set but you’d never guess it from this wonderfully performed scene. Both of them deliver their lines with such sincerity and emotional vulnerability that it’s impossible not to be moved by their friendship.

Mr. Roarke confronts Donna May and Ellie in the Fantasy Island recording studio. (Yes, Fantasy Island has its own recording studio.) Donna May is stricken with guilt when she hears that Tattoo is giving up Fantasy Island for her. She tells Ellie that she’s going to live her own life from now on. After Ellie leaves in a huff, Donna May says that she must find Tattoo and apologize to him.

Suddenly, Tattoo reveals that he’s been in the recording the booth the whole time. “Apologize to the boss, first,” Tattoo orders, revealing that his first allegiance will always be to Mr. Roarke. Donna May and Tattoo then sing a country song together. No, I’m not making that up. It’s weird but kind of sweet.

As for the other fantasy, it’s far less interesting. Holly Ryan (Future Congressman Sonny Bono, who was a bit of a regular on both this show and The Love Boat) is an accountant who witnessed a murder committed by a gangster named Spider Sloat (Joey Forman). Holly’s fantasy is to hide out from Spider and, when Spider and his men suddenly show up on the Island, Holly ends up doing just that at an orphanage run by Emily Perkins (Shelley Fabares). Holly falls in love with Emily, takes care of the orphans, and puts on a dress when Spider comes looking for him. It’s a thoroughly lightweight fantasy that largely serves to remind us that no one nicknamed Spider can be convincingly intimidating.

As silly as the second fantasy may be, the first fantasy makes up for it. Much as with last week’s episode, both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize give such strong performances that this silly little show actually brought a tear to my mismatched eyes.

Will next week be as good? We’ll find out!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 6.1 “www.eugene.trouble.com” and 6.2 “That 60s Show”

Posted on July 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Finally! We have reached the final season of Hang Time! While watching this season, it’s important to remember that seasons 5 and 6 were filmed at the same time and were originally meant to be one season. Just as they did with Saved By The Bell: The New Class, NBC decided to split the final season into two seasons and they also decided to air the episodes out of order. In other words, I imagine that it’s going to be a lot of fun trying to find any sort of consistent continuity over the final 12 episodes of Hang Time!

With that in my mind, I’m ready to finally move on from this show so let’s get started on season 6!

Episode 6.1 “www.eugene.trouble.com”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 23rd, 2000)

When I talk about how showing episodes out of order can lead to continuity issues, I’m talking about an episode like this one. Season 5 ended with the Tornadoes going to the championship tournament and losing to Muncie, despite the fact that they were favored to defeat Muncie. In fact, the team had been named “Team of the Decade,” which seemed like a bit of overkill on the part of the press. Obviously, the Tornadoes were a good team but it still seemed strange that they got as cocky as they did last season.

If all of the episode had been aired in the order in which they were meant to have been aired, the viewers would have understood that the Tornadoes were not only favored to win the tournament but that, until their loss to Muncie, they had been undefeated for the entire season. That would have explained why they were such heavy favorites, why they got so cocky, and why their loss truly was such an upset. Instead, the majority of the “undefeated season” episodes were moved to season 6. So now, the undefeated season happened the year after their loss to Muncie, when the players themselves were in their sixth year of high school. And, because the episode were aired out-of-order, the first episode of the sixth season features the Tornadoes already deep into their undefeated season and on the verge of making the playoffs.

In this episode, the undefeated season is briefly threatened by Eugene’s gambling problem. When Eugene loses a lot of money playing video poker, he makes the mistake of putting $500 on the Pacers game. When he loses that bet, evil bookie Bill (Kevin Sage) demands that Eugene throw his next game. Instead, Eugene puts his team first, wins the game (and yes, the Tornadoes win by one point), and then nearly gets killed in the hallway by Bill. Fortunately, Coach K comes running around a corner and tosses Bill against some lockers. I’m convinced the look of fear on Bill’s face was real because Dick Butkus may have been a retired football player but it was obvious that he could still break some bones if he wanted to. Eugene learns an important lesson and Coach K declines to kick Eugene off the team, despite the fact that Eugene violated the contract that he signed the previous season.

While this was going on, Kristy had an interview with Stanford but, after an emergency dental appointment left her unable to talk, Mary Beth took her place. Why Kristy didn’t just reschedule the meeting, I have no idea. It was dumb but Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto were always a good comedy team and I laughed every time Mary Beth said that Kristy had a “hump” (due to Kristy wearing an ice pack on her back) and Kristy shouted back, “It wasn’t a hump!”

This episode felt like a strange way to start the season. Again, that’s because of the way that NBC split the final season in two. Usually, Hang Time would start each season with the beginning of the school year. This time, Hang Time jumped into the middle of the season, with the team already talking about making the playoffs. It just didn’t feel right but at least Mary Beth and Kristy are finally, after six years of high school, thinking about college.

Episode 6.2 “That 60s Show”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on September 30th, 2000)

The students at Deering High are upset over the new dress code. I don’t blame them! Look at this:

I would refuse to wear that uniform too!

Pompous ex-Yippie teacher Mr. McHenry (Alan Young) tells them that they should protest the same way that Mr. McHenry protested at Chicago in 1968. (So, they should get hit with tear gas and beaten up by the cops?) The protest rally is a success. The school board drops the uniform requirement but they also fire Mr. McHenry. So, the students decide to protest that as well….

GET TO CLASS, YOU BRATS!

Anyway, the Deering basketball team sits down on the court and refuses to start their next game unless Mr. McHenry is reinstated, which puts their undefeated season at risk. Seriously, though, wouldn’t they just be ordered to forfeit the game if they refused to play?

Anyway, Mr. McHenry is reinstated, even though he’s like 80 and probably would have enjoyed his retirement.

This episode annoyed me. Let us never speak of it again.

Retro Television Reviews: When Friendship Kills (dir by James A. Conter)

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1996’s When Friendship Kills! It can be viewed on YouTube!

After the divorce of her parents, Lexi Archer (Katie Wright) moves to Seattle with her mother (Lynda Carter). Lexi is having a tough time adjusting to the divorce, especially since her father (Josh Taylor) is convinced that he’s a better parent than Lexi’s mother has ever been. Still, Lexi is hoping to make a good impression at her new high school and she gets off to an effective start by not only winning a spot on the school’s volleyball team but by also becoming friends with the most popular girl in school, Jen Harnsberger (Marley Shelton).

The wealthy Jen is a straight-A student and a star volleyball player and she appears to have a very bright future ahead of her. Jen not only shows Lexi around the high school but she also shows Jen that one way to eat without gaining weight is to throw up after every meal. Jen is bulimic and soon, Lexi is anorexic. Eventually, Lexi is collapsing on the volleyball court and Jen is angrily denying that she has a problem and the whole things leads to tragedy.

Obviously, eating disorders are a serious issue and When Friendship Kills is honest about not only the pressures that lead to so many girls and women developing body image issues but it also deals with the danger of having a relapse. Growing up attending dance classes, I met and hung out with a lot of girls who had “tricks” for keeping their weight down and I recognized all of them in the characters of Jen and Lexi. This film hits all of the usual plot points that we’ve come to expect from 90s films about eating disorders, from the volleyball coach saying that the already thin Lexi needs to lose weight to the scenes of Lexi staring in the mirror and seeing a distorted version of herself to Lexi’s father demanding that a feeding tube be used on his daughter, regardless of what Lexi’s mother might think.

That said, many viewers will find the most interesting thing about this movie to be that it features an early performance from Ryan Reynolds. Reynolds plays the role of Ben, a friendly jock who asks Lexi out on a date. Reynolds doesn’t do much in the film but he does show some hints of the amiable goofiness that would later become his trademark. If one wanted to view this film as being a part of a Deadpool origin story, they certainly could.

As well, Lochlyn Munro also appears in the film! It’s not really a melodramatic made-for-television movie unless Lochlyn Munro has a role. In this particular film, Munro played a sleazy photographer who approached Jen and told her that she had the perfect look to be a model and invited her back to his studio. Of course, when Jen brought Lexi to the studio with her, the photographer rather rudely announced that Lexi didn’t have the right look to be a model. This led to Lexi refusing to eat and becoming hollow-eyed and skeletal and Katie Wright, it must be said, did a wonderful job portraying Lexi’s transformation from being hopeful to being haunted by her own self-image. Marley Shelton did an equally good job of portraying Jen’s more cheerful style of self-destruction.

When Friendship Kills is an effective if predictable eating disorder film. The film originally aired under the title A Secret Between Friends, which is a far more honest title than the over-the-top When Friendship Kills. Friendship does not kill in this movie but self-starvation does.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 1.16 and 1.17 “Follow The Leader”

Posted on July 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we’ve got a two-parter!

Episode 1.16 “Follow The Leader, Part One”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 20th, 1976)

“Julie,” Gabe asks as they have dinner at the apartment, “Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Sylvester, who was a real nut?” Uncle Sylvester went into a psychiatrist’s office and said, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! I’m a dog!” When asked how long he had felt like that, Sylvester replied, “Ever since I was a puppy!”

Julie is amused by the joke but she’s not amused when, the next morning, Arnold Horshack wakes her and Gabe up by tapping on their window. Apparently, Horshack has gotten into the habit of coming over to have breakfast with Gabe and Julie and Julie is sick of it! “We don’t have any privacy anymore!” Julie says, “Everywhere we go, there’s a Sweathog!”

Gabe gets upset at Julie for not appreciating the Sweathogs and announces that if Horshack wants to eat with them, Horshack is going to eat with them. He then allows Horshack into the apartment, where Julie gives him the stare of death. It seems like this might lead to trouble later….

(For the record, Julie has every right to be upset as she’s basically standing there in her bathrobe while Horshack hops up and down in her apartment. I mean, Gabe could have at least let her get dressed before letting his creepiest student climb in through the window.)

At school, Gabe teaches the class about democracy. He asks them how leaders are selected. Epstein says that leaders are elected except for Gerald Ford, who became president because he was the only person in Washington who wasn’t under arrest. Trying to reach his students, Gabe makes the mistake of saying that Vinne Barbarino is the leader of the Sweathogs.

“You’re the leader of the Sweathogs?” Freddie says to Barbarino.

“Is a bear Catholic?” Barbarino replies, “Does the Pope live in the woods?”

Gabe says that if the Sweathogs were democratic, they would have voted for who they wanted to lead them. The Sweathogs agree to vote, with Epstein assuring Barbarino that there’s no way they would ever vote him out.

“Does anyone want to challenge Vinnie Barbarino?” Gabe asks.

Freddie Washington stands up. “Hi there.”

The Sweathogs vote by raising their hands. Barbarino gets five votes. Freddie gets five votes. Oh my God, a tie! Wait a minute …. Epstein didn’t vote! After Gabe tells Epstein that it’s up to him to pick the leader of the Sweathogs, Epstein smiles and says, “Washington!”

Awwwww! Poor Barbarino! He looks heart-broken!

Epstein explains that Barbarino has been leader for a long time and that it’s time for “New Blood.”

“Hi there,” Freddie says, “I’m Boom-Boom New Blood.”

Barbarino calls the Sweathogs “punks” and then announces he’s dropping out of school before storming out the classroom.

Way to go, Gabe!

Later that day, Julie attempts to make up with Gabe be bringing him lunch at school but she’s upset when he starts to talk about Barbarino dropping out of school. “Can’t you talk about anything other than work!?” Julie demands, even though Gabe is actually at work. Julie gets even more upset when Epstein and Freddie enter the classroom, despite the fact that — again — Gabe is at work and it actually is Epstein and Freddie’s classroom.

Julie storms out of class, saying that Gabe can’t take anything seriously. Stunned Gabe barely notices as the other Sweathogs return from their lunch. Then, he hears Barbarino calling for him out in the hallway. Gabe steps out in the hall, to discover Barbarino wearing a skull cap and dress like a priest. Barbarino explains that his father got so angry at Barbarino for dropping out of school that he kicked Barbarino out of the house.

“Don’t worry,” Barbarino assures Gabe, “I don’t feel this is your fault, even though most of it is.”

Barbarino says that he needs to place to stay until he can figure out what to do. Even though he has to know what’s going to happen as a result, Gabe eventually agrees to bring Barbarino home with him.

Needless to say, Julie is not amused. She yells at Gabe and Gabe yells back and, for a few moments, I remembered all the stories that I’ve heard about how Gabe Kaplan and Marcia Strassman did not get along off-screen. On-screen, Gabe Kotter tries to lighten the mood by asking Julie if he ever told her about his Aunt Ira.

“I don’t care about your jokes, Gabe,” Julie replies. Ouch!

Julie walks out on Gabe.

OH MY GOD! The 30 minutes are up! How will they resolve this? Well, let’s find out….

Episode 1.17 “Follow The Leader, Part Two”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 22nd, 1976)

I have to admit that I was really hoping that Part Two would open with Gabe telling Barbarino a joke about his uncle and Barbarino totally not getting it. Instead, it opens with a recap of Part One.

After the recap, the show begins with Gabe sleeping on his fold-out couch and …. is that Vinnie Barbarino sleeping next to him? The audience goes crazy because Barbarino isn’t wearing as shirt but me …. well, okay, Barbarino looks good and I would have totally had a crush on Young John Travolta too. Still, it already seems strange enough for a student to live with a teacher without the two of them sleeping in the same bed.

Anyway, Epstein wakes them up by knocking on the window. (The audience goes even crazier as Barbarino struts over to the window to let him in.) It turns out that Horshack is with Epstein. They both want breakfast. Barbarino pours milk and cereal on them.

Entering the apartment, Epstein and Horshack discover that Julie has left Gabe. Horshack is upset. Epstein grins. While the Sweathogs get ready for their day, Gabe calls the local hotel and, after realizing that she checked in under her maiden name, he finally talks to Julie. Julie reveals that she’s called Gabe’s cousin, who also happens to be a divorce lawyer. Gabe kicks out Epstein and Horshack and then orders Barbarino to either go to school or get a job.

“I bet you don’t think I can get a job,” Barbarino says. “Well, guess what? You don’t need brains to get a job …. and I’m going to prove it!”

Gabe calls Julie again and finally gets her to agree to meet him at the apartment at 3:30. He promises that he’ll head home right after school.

Speaking of school, Freddie has managed to alienate all of the Sweathogs by letting his power go to his head. He orders Epstein to get a haircut and he tells Gabe that the Sweathogs need a recreation period. For some reason, Freddie wants to start the day with a square dance.

To my very real surprise, Gabe manages to get back to the apartment in time to clean up before Julie arrives. When Julie does arrive, she complains that Gabe cares more about the Sweathogs than her (and she has a point) and Gabe says that Julie needs to stop always feeling sorry for herself (and, let’s just be honest here, he has a point as well). Gabe tries to make his point by punching table and has to briefly step into the bathroom so he can yell in pain.

At the worst possible moment, Babarino shows up. He took Gabe’s advice and he got a job! He’s selling Tidy Didy cleaning products, door-to-door.

Gabe tells Barbarino to go back to school and tells Julie she has to build her own life instead of getting jealous of him and his job. Both Barbarino and Julie say that they’ll think about it before leaving.

At school, Gabe teaches a lesson about the two-party system and the importance of competition. Freddie admits that he doesn’t enjoy being the leader of the Sweathogs but he also doesn’t want to be a follower. Suddenly, Barbarino shows up and says that he’s back in school. Yay! He also suggests that the Sweathogs don’t need a leader. Freddie agrees. Yay!

Barbarino then says that he hopes that Gabe doesn’t mind that he asked out Julie.

“You asked my wife out?” Gabe replies.

“Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago. In the hall.”

Gabe steps out in the hall and discovers Julie waiting for him. They agree to work out their problems. Yay, I guess. Seriously, Julie seemed really miserable with Gabe. Julie does say that she would like to tell a joke once in a while.

“I can be very funny,” Julie says. The audience laughs because even they know better. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To keep his pants up. Why does the fireman wear red suspenders? To get to the other side.”

That night, back at their apartment, Gabe asks Julie if he ever told her about his Aunt Bertha.

“No, no, wait!” Julie says, “Let me tell you about Aunt Bertha.” Aunt Bertha was so fat that when she sat around the house …. she sat around the house. That’s the joke.

This two-parter wasn’t bad at all. I like the fact that Gabe and Julie were both, more or less, equally responsible for the problems in their marriage and young John Travolta got to show off his natural comedic timing. Of course, if you know anything about the behind-the-scenes issues on Welcome Back, Kotter (like the fact that Marcia Strassman hated her time on the show), a lot of what happens in this episode takes on a deeper meaning.

Next week, Epstein finally finds a career path that doesn’t involve prison!

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.12 “Rogues”

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Max and McAllister continue their trip through California!

Episode 1.12 “Rogues”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on August 10th, 1984)

This week’s episode finds Max and McAllister on Los Angeles’s famed Rodeo Drive. We know that this episode takes place on Rodeo Drive because every single establishing shot opens with a close-up of the street sign. It’s as if someone in production said, “Do not let them forget that this episode is not only set on Rodeo Drive but we filmed it there as well!”

Wow, a television program filmed in Los Angeles! The Master was all about spoiling their audience.

Here’s my thing with Rodeo Drive — the word is pronounced Ro-Dee-O. Get out of here with all that Roe-Day-O nonsense, you yankees.

Anyway, this episode continues last week’s theme of McAllister and Max dropping in on people from Max’s past. Apparently, the hunt for John Peter McAllister’s long lost daughter has been abandoned so that Max can drop in on his old high school buddies. Seeing as how it hasn’t even been ten years since Max graduated from high school whereas McAllister has never even met his daughter and it’s totally possible that McAllister’s ninja rivals may be trying to kill her, it seems a bit odd that this is what Max and McAllister are concentrating on but whatever. We’re nearly done with this show anyway.

Max visits his ex-girlfriend, Talia (Cindy Harrell), at the health club where she works. Talia is an aerobics instructor, which means that there’s a lot of spandex in this episode. While McAllister deals with a trainer who takes one look at him and declares him to be in terrible shape (and she has a point because, unlike his stunt double, Lee Van Cleef was noticeably overweight and often seemed to be winded on The Master), Max talks to Talia and discovers that Talia’s brother, Jerry (Paul Tulley), became a cop and is now missing! Max promises to help her find Jerry.

However, it turns out that Jerry is just hiding outside the health club. When he sees Max’s van, he tosses a note inside of it, asking Max and McAllister to meet him. (How exactly did Jerry know that Max and McAllister would be able to help him?) It turns out that, while investigating a series of Rodeo Drive robberies, Jerry discovered that the culprits were rogue cops who had been hired by a local gallery owner. Now, the crooked policemen are after Jerry! Needless to say, it’s time for McAllister to put on his black ninja outfit so that Lee Van Cleef’s stunt double can beat up some corrupt law enforcers!

This was not a particularly memorable episode. The corrupt cops were generic villains and even the fight scenes, which were usually The Master‘s saving grace, felt sloppy and rushed. While it was always obvious that this show was dependent on stunt doubles, it was especially obvious in this episode as the stand-ins for both Van Cleef and Van Patten didn’t even resemble their respective actors. There was a brief moment of hope when the action moved to one of those police academy shooting ranges, full of fake buildings and cardboard targets but the show never really took advantage of the location’s potential. This was one of those episodes where it felt like the basic plot could have been used for a dozen other shows without having to make anything more than a few cosmetic changes. It could have just as easily been an episode of Half Nelson.

(L.A. — you belong to me! No, no, we’ve moved on….)

Next week …. The Master ends! Will McAllister even mention his missing daughter during the show’s final episode? We’ll find out!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 5.17 “Prose and Cons” and 5.18 “Why Y’All Clippin”

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, L-Train becomes a poet and “the kids” try to prank Ms. Noble because they literally have no life beyond obsessing on their principal. But before we get to any of that, let’s listen to that theme song and thrill to the shots of Scott Whyte and Wesley Jonathan wandering around New York City and totally looking like tourists.

Episode 5.17 “Prose and Cons”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 3rd, 2001)

Chris, Al, and Jamal are obsessed with pranking Ms. Noble. Apparently, in his entire history as principal of Manny High, Ms. Noble has never been pranked. It’s something in which she takes a lot of pride, to the extent that she taunts Chris, Al, and Jamal about the fact that she’s never been pranked….

Does this sound familiar? Yes, because Ms. Bliss did the same thing on the forerunner to Saved By The Bell, Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Then, when she sat down on a chair that had been covered in brown paint and ruined her sweater, she accused Screech of being responsible and held a mock trail in her classroom. Of course, it turned out that Ms. Bliss actually pranked herself to teach the class a valuable lesson and to traumatize Screech in the process.

Anyway, the boys try to prank Ms. Noble by sabotaging a water fountain but that just leads to Cassidy getting sprayed by a bunch of water. And then they attempted to replace her gardening magazine with a magazine full of naked men that Jamal just happened to have with him for some reason but, once again, Cassidy and Dawn showed up and caused Ms. Noble to accidentally spill coffee on the magazine before Ms. Noble could read it. For their final attempt, Chris, Jamal, and Al somehow sneak a bunch of farm animals and several bakes of hay into Ms. Noble’s office. They manage to prank her but, while Al is sneaking in the animals, Ms. Noble unknowingly praises Chris and Jamal for showing so much maturity in not trying to prank her. So, Ms. Noble gets pranked but Chris and Jamal end up feeling guilty.

The prank stuff was stupid but it was at least kind of funny in the very silly way that Peter Engel’s better shows often were. Of course, the prank stuff was also only the B-plot.

The A-plot features L-Train suddenly becoming a poet and winning so many new fans that he starts to ignore his girlfriend, Kianna. The main problem with this storyline is that L-Train’s poetry sucked and the idea that he would become a hero at the local jazz club due to his doggerel was never a believable one. As always, Steven Daniel delivered his lines with a likable sincerity but the story itself just felt rushed. City Guys was nearly over by this point and it’s hard not to feel that the writers were just treading water.

Episode 5.18 “Why Y’All Clippin”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 3rd, 2001)

Here’s the plot description from Wikipedia:

In this clip show, the whole gang is having problems over a yearbook picture and are giving each other the silent treatment. So Ms. Noble calls everybody to Manny High on Saturday to work things out by reflecting on memories of the good, the bad, and the ugly that they had over the span of their time as friends.

Hey, it’s a clip show! I hate those. I guess it’s a good thing that this is one of the season 5 episodes that is not available on YouTube.