Doc’s Nephew”

Posted on July 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Doc starts to feel his age.

Episode 6.6 “The Groupies/The Audition/Doc’s Nephew”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 6th, 1982)

When it comes to The Love Boat, there’s one question that always has to be asked.

In this episode, Julie appears to be moderately coked up. She’s definitely not as coked up as she was in some of the earlier episodes of this season but there’s still that glint in her eye and the rapidness of his speech that leaves little doubt that there was probably some sniffing going on in the cruise director’s office. On the How Coked Up With Julie Scale, I would give this one a solid 7 out of 10.

Of course, Julie had some competition on this cruise. A pre-born again Willie Aames was on the cruise, playing Doc’s nephew Danny, and sporting the puffy eyes of someone who had been up all night on a date with the Devil’s Dandruff. Danny and Doc both develop a crush on the same woman and Linda (Michelle Phillips) decides that she would prefer to spend her romantic time with a teenage Danny than with Doc, who has a medical degree and probably a lot more money than Danny. This leads to Doc have yet another midlife crisis. Danny, meanwhile, falls hard for Linda but, at the end of the cruise, Linda explains that she’s not looking to get tied down with a relationship. She just wanted to bang someone who was ten years younger than her. Okay, that’s not quite what she said but that was the general idea. Doc learned that it was okay to be middle-aged and Danny was too high to learn much of anything.

Soap opera writer Paula Hastings (Susan Lucci!) boarded the cruise and was shocked to discover that one of the passengers was Barry Weldon (Tristan Rogers!), an actor who she turned down for a role on her soap. Barry romanced Paula and convinced her that he was falling in love with her and then announced it was all just an act to prove that he deserved the role on her show. Damn, Barry, that’s not nice at all! But then it turned out that Barry actually had fallen in love with her so they decided to get married. “Congratulations!” Julie said, her eyes shining with a manic edge.

Finally, a therapist (Richard Deacon) boarded the ship, just to discover that his patients (Jerry Van Dyke, Elaine Joyce, Morey Amsterdam, and Rose Marie) had all decided to take the cruise with him. Why, that’s enough stress to make the idea of a little flakey relief seem appealing! That said, the therapist and his patients were played by some old school sitcom mainstays and none of them seemed to be coked up. They were definitely a whiskey and cigarettes crowd.

This was a pleasant cruise. Bernie Kopell is always likable as Doc Bricker and I always enjoy his midlife crisis episodes. The therapist storyline was pretty hokey but, on the other hand, Susan Lucci and Tristan Rogers! That’s daytime drama royalty, babe! I enjoyed this episode.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.17 “King of Burlesque/Death Games”

Posted on May 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!” It’s time for another two fantasies.

Episode 6.17 “King of Burlesque/Death Games”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on March 12th, 1983)

I’m going to deal with the first of this week’s fantasies very quickly because, quite frankly, it’s not every interesting. Rich Little is Tom Vail, a wall street accountant who wants to be a burlesque comedian. He gets his fantasy. He performs at the Fantasy Island Burlesque Revival. He wears a hideous suit with a big bowtie. He falls in love with a dancer. The always likable Red Buttons appears as a Burlesque veteran. It’s not a bad fantasy but it’s not terribly interesting.

Meanwhile, Vanessa Walgren (Joanna Pettet) has come to the Island to compete in the “First Annual Fantasy Island Pentathlon.” However, Mr. Roarke knows that she’s there for another reason. She wants to kill him! A year ago, Vanessa’s husband was lost at sea while on his own fantasy. (He wanted to retrace the route of the Kon Tiki.) Vanessa blames Roarke and she’s put a bounty on his head. Roarke sighs and says, “Fine, but if you don’t kill me by the end of the weekend, you have to leave the Island and never bother me again.” Vanessa agrees….

WHAT!? What type of vengeance is that!? Seriously, if you’re obsessed with vengeance, you don’t just shrug and accept an arbitrary rule from the person you’re trying to kill.

Anyway, Roarke is the judge for the Pentathlon so he’s got various athletes trying to kill him over the course of the entire weekend. He even gets cut during a fencing match! (“If you can bleed, you can die!” Vanessa declares in a wonderfully over-the-top moment.) Whenever anyone fails to kill him, Roarke says, “Get off my Island!,” which is rally cool. Tattoo wonders why Roarke is allowing this to happen. Why doesn’t Roarke order Vanessa to get off the Island. Roarke is all like, “I can’t tell you, just trust me.” The final event is a skydiving competition and I’m not really sure how you compete at that but whatever. Despite Vanessa’s efforts to sabotage his parachute, Roarke lands safely.

Vanessa then offers him two glasses of wine. One glass is poisoned! Can Roarke pick the right glass? Roarke is like, “Screw this,” and finally reveals that Vanessa’s husband is not dead. Instead, he’s a secret agent who had to fake his own death but who is now ready to be reunited with Vanessa….

Again, WHAT!? Seriously, that came out of nowhere.

Reunited with her husband, Vanessa apologizes for trying to murder Roarke. Roarke says it’s fine because Mr. Roarke is very forgiving.

The burlesque fantasy was boring (loved the costumes, though!) but the revenge fantasy made up for it. I love it when Fantasy Island embraces the melodrama. Plus, this fantasy actually gave Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize quite a bit to do. All in all, this was a good trip to the Island!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”

Posted on February 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Let’s set sail for adventure!

Episode 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on May 13th, 1978)

This week’s episode of The Love Boat is all about dealing with the past.

For instance, Captain Stubing is shocked when his old high school girlfriend, Jocelyn (Jessica Walter), boards the boat. He’s even more shocked when Jocelyn points out that he’s gained a bit of weight since high school. I have to admit that I was also shocked that Jocelyn — or anyone for that matter — would react to seeing an old friend by immediately pointing that out. Even worse, Jocelyn makes a joke about how one of their other friends no longer has his hair. This, of course, leads to the Captain refusing to take off his hat and going on a crash diet in an effort to lose weight. This makes the Captain cranky and his beleaguered staff finally rig his scale to make Stubing think that he’s lost more weight than he has. This gives Stubing the courage to tell Jocelyn that he’s fallen in love with her.

I had two thoughts on this storyline. First off, Jocelyn’s kind of a bitch and Captain Stubing, while being a bit of a handful himself, still deserves better than someone who greets him by informing him that he’s no longer as impressive as he was in high school. Secondly, I didn’t really buy that Stubing would be that insecure in the first place. He’s the captain of the ship! He’s in charge! That takes a certain amount of confidence. In order to be a captain, you have to have the respect of your crew and it’s hard to imagine the crew respecting a captain who literally refuses to take off his hat because his high school girlfriend is on the cruise.

Meanwhile, Nate (Michael Callan) and Roberta (Annette Funicello) are both depressed because, over the past year, they’ve both lost their spouses. They meet on the boat and it’s obvious to everyone that they’re meant to be together. Isaac certainly sees it! But both Nate and Roberta say that they’re through with love. Fortunately, an obnoxiously happy couple (played by Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie) are also on the ship as a reminder that love can live forever. This was a standard Love Boat storyline. (Even though the show was still only in its first season, this was not the first time The Love Boat featured a depressed widow finding love on the cruise.) But Funicello and Callen were both sympathetic in their roles and I was happy they found each other.

Finally, Jill (Caren Kaye) is a former high-priced escort who is setting sail for a new life. On the Boat, she meets Bill (Christopher George) and they fall in love. Jill doesn’t want Bill to find out about her past life. Unfortunately, one of her former clients (Jack Carter) is also on the boat, traveling with his wife (Jayne Meadows). Again, this was a standard Love Boat story but it worked largely due to the chemistry between Caren Kaye and Christopher George.

This was an okay episode. The storylines were predictable and a bit forgettable but the guest stars brought a lot of charm to their roles. It was an pleasant cruise. I just hope Captain Stubing stops being so hard on himself!

An Offer You Can’t Refuse #17: Murder, Inc. (dir by Stuart Rosenberg and Burt Balaban)

Posted on July 4, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

We all know the famous line from The Godfather. “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Of course, everyone also knows that “It’s not personal. It’s strictly business.” There’s another line that’s almost as famous: “One lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.” That line comes from Mario Puzo’s novel. It’s never actually used in the film though it’s certainly present as a theme.

The idea of organized crime essentially being a huge corporation is hardly a new one. In fact, it’s become a bit of a cliche. Nearly every gangster film ever made has featured at least one scene where someone specifically compares their illegal activities to the day-to-day business of politicians and CEOs. However, just because it’s a familiar analogy, that doesn’t make it any less important. It’s hard not to think of organized crime as being big business when you consider that, in the 30s and the 40s, the mafia’s assassination squad was actually known as Murder, Inc.

Murder, Inc. was formed in Brooklyn, in the 30s. It was founded and initially led by a man named Lepke Buchalter. Lepke was a gangster but, because he was Jewish, he couldn’t actually become a made man. However, he used that to his advantage when he created Murder, Inc. The organization was largely made up of non-Italians who couldn’t actually become official members of the Mob. The major mafia families would hire Murder, Inc. to carry out hits because they knew that, since none of the members were made men, they wouldn’t be able to implicate any of the families if they were caught by the police.

It was a good idea and Lepke and his band of killers made a lot of money. Of course, eventually, the police did catch on. A member of the organization by the name Abe Reles was eventually arrested and agreed to be a rat. Lepke went to the electric chair. Reles ended up falling out of a window. Did he jump or was he thrown? It depends on who you ask.

19 years after Reles plunged from that window and 16 years after Lepke was executed, their story was told in the 1960 film, Murder, Inc. Lepke was played by David J. Stewart while Reles was played by Peter Falk. The film is told in a documentary style, complete with a narrator who delivers his lines in a rat-a-tat-tat style. We follow Reles as he goes to work with Lepke and as he harasses a singer (Stuart Whitman) and his wife (May Britt), forcing them help him carry out a murder and then allowing them to live in a luxury apartment on the condition that they also let Lepke hide out there. (It’s probably not a surprise that a professional killer wouldn’t turn out to be the best houseguest.) Eventually, a crusading DA (Henry Morgan) and an honest cop (Simon Oakland) take it upon themselves to take down Murder, Inc.

To be honest, there’s not a whole lot that’s surprising about this film but it’s still an entertaining B-movie. The black-and-white cinematography and the on-location filming give the film an authentically gritty feel. The action moves quickly and there’s enough tough talk and violent deaths to keep most gangster aficionados happy. The best thing about the film is, without a doubt, Peter Falk’s portrayal of Abe Reles. Falk is magnetically evil in the role, playing Reles as a man without a soul. Even when Reles finally cooperates with the police, the film leaves no doubt that he’s only doing it to try to save himself. Falk plays Reles like a tough guy who secretly knows that his days are numbered but who has convinced himself that, as long as he keeps sneering and threatening people, the rest of the world will never figure out that he’s been doomed all the time. The more people he kills, the higher Reles moves up in the corporation and the more he tries to take on the look of a respectable member of society. But, no mater how hard he tries, Reles always remains just another violent thug. Falk was deservedly Oscar-nominated for his performance in this film, though he ultimately lost the award to Spartacus‘s Peter Ustinov.

Murder, Inc. may be a low-budget, B-movie but it’s also a classic of gangster cinema. It’s an offer you can’t refuse.

Previous Offers You Can’t (or Can) Refuse:

Life Is A Beach #1: Beach Party (dir by William Asher)

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It seems a little bit strange that today was, for many people, the first day of Spring Break.

First off, it was cold and rainy today and, whenever I found myself glancing out a window and being confronted by the gray weather, it was very hard for me to imagine having any fun on a beach.

Secondly, for reasons that I never quite understood, the University of North Texas’s Spring Break was always a week after everyone else’s. As a result, I’ve been conditioned to think of Spring Break as starting during the third week of March.

I always looked forward to Spring Break, despite the fact that we always got out a week late. In fact, it was kind of nice to know that, when my friends and I got down to that year’s beach, the most obnoxious of the alcoholic frat boys would already be back in Oklahoma. I’ve always loved the beach, which is odd because I’m scared of drowning. Fortunately, you don’t have to swim to look good in a bikini.

Now, of course, I’m an adult and I don’t get a Spring Break. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t relive the fun of it all by spending the next few days watching and reviewing beach movies!

For instance, earlier today, I discovered that the 1963 film Beach Party was available on Netflix. I watched the first 40 minutes during my lunch and then, as the day progressed, I watched the rest of it in bits and pieces until finally, nearly 8 hours after starting the film, I finished it. Needless to say, this is absolutely the worst way to watch a film like Beach Party. Beach Party was designed to be a film to be enjoyed but not thought about. It’s the cinematic equivalent of fast food. Watching Beach Party in increments of 2 or 3 minutes at a time is a bit like buying a Wendy’s bacon cheeseburger and not eating it until the next day.

(Or so I assume. I would never do that because, seriously, Wendy’s makes the best bacon cheeseburgers!)

It feels kind of silly to try to describe the plot of something like Beach Party but here goes: Frankie (Frankie Avalon) and Delores (Annette Funicello) are two teenagers in love. Or, at the very least, Delores is in love. Frankie, however, has a hard time saying it. Frankie and Delores are planning on spending the weekend at a beach house where, Frankie tells her, it will be just like they’re married. Though it’s never explicitly stated (like many films from the early 60s, Beach Party is all about the euphemisms), Frankie is obviously expecting that he and Delores will finally be having sex in that beach house. However, Delores had the same idea so she invited all of their friends to stay at the beach house as well, specifically to keep her from giving in during a moment of weakness.

Meanwhile, Prof. Robert Sutwell (Robert Cummings) is also hanging out on the beach. He’s an anthropologist who has a rather prominent beard. He’s studying the sex lives of teenagers. Since they’re adults, Robert and his assistant Marianne (Dorothy Malone) are actually allowed to say the word “sex.”

Speaking of which, that’s one thing that nobody on the beach seems to be doing. Robert is too obsessed with his work, Marianne is too frustrated with his lack of interest, Frankie is too busy surfing and singing, and Delores says she’s not interesting in “being a woman” until she’s married. There’s constant flirting going on, of course but, for the most part, these teenagers make the spring breakers from From Justin To Kelly look wild. (One can only guess what would happen if any of them ever ran into the spring breakers from Spring Breakers….)

That said, I do think that I did spot Frankie and his friends passing around a joint during one scene. According to some comments at the imdb, it was probably meant to be a cigarette that Frankie was sharing with his friends Ken (John Ashley) and Deadhead (Jody McCrea) but it sure looked like a joint to me. Plus, Frankie was listening to beatnik poetry at the time and we all know those crazy kids loved the poetry and loved the marijuana.

Oh! And did I mention that there’s a motorcycle gang in this film? Because there so totally is. The Rat Pack is led by a guy named Erich Von Zipper (Harvey Lembeck) and they pretty much show up whenever the film starts to run out of ideas…

Now, it may sound like I’m being pretty critical of Beach Party but actually, I thought it was fun in a time capsule sort of way. This is one of those films that is so obviously a product of the time in which it was made that watching it is a bit like getting to take a ride in a time machine. Everything about this film — from the dialogue to the cultural attitudes to the clean-cut teenagers to the music to the bizarrely modest bikinis — practically screams 1963. As a secret history nerd, I loved the part of Beach Party.

Add to that, Vincent Price has a cameo! That’s always fun.

Anyway, Beach Party is currently available to be watched on Netflix and Hulu. If you can’t get to the beach this year, you can always watch Frankie Avalon getting high in Beach Party.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkhGmZPJIHY