Horror Film Review: Thirteen Ghosts (dir by Steve Beck)

Posted on October 13, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Thirteen Ghosts!

Oh my God, this 2001 haunted house movie scared the Hell out of my when I was way too young to know any better. Seriously, it would come on HBO late at night and I would secretly watch it with the sound turned down and just the visuals would freak me out.

That lawyer getting chopped in half by the glass doors? AGCK!

That ghost staring at Shannon Elizabeth? AGCK!

That other ghost attacking Shannon Elizabeth? AGCK!

All of the ghosts suddenly appearing and then just as quickly disappearing? AGCK!

MATTHEW LILLARD!? DOUBLE AGCK!

Seriously, I had nightmares about those ghosts!

For this month’s horrorthon, I decided to rewatch Thirteen Ghosts and … well, first of all, I was reminded by the DVD that apparently, the name of the film is not Thirteen Ghosts. Instead, the proper name is Thir13een Ghosts, which is really kind of annoying because it’s not like that “13” even vaguely resembles a “T”. I’m not even sure how exactly you would pronounce Thir13een. Wasn’t one of the robots in the last Star Wars film named Thir13een? Just looking at the title makes me think about that episode of South Park where Cartman went into the future and had a robot dog named K-10 (and a cat named Kit-9 and a bird named Kok-A-3!)

So, no offense meant to anyone who was involved in the naming of the film, but I’m going to keep calling it Thirteen Ghosts!

Anyway, I decided to rewatch Thirteen Ghosts because I remembered it as being the scariest film ever made and … wow, it really did not stand up to the test of time. I mean, don’t get me wrong. The ghosts were still kind of scary and I guess that Tony Shalhoub did the best that he could do with the material. But the movie itself…oh my God.

Seeing as how I’m contractually obligated to come up with at least 500 words about Thirteen Ghosts, let’s talk about the plot, shall we? Tony Shalhoub is Arthur. Arthur’s a widower who has two children, Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) and Bobby (Alec Roberts). For some reason, Kathy is obsessed with sink fixtures. Bobby, meanwhile, is your typical bratty kid. Arthur is like way poor and about to lose his house. Despite this, he continues to employ a housekeeper named Maggie (Rah Digga). HEY, ARTHUR, THERE’S NO POINT IN HAVING A HOUSEKEEPER IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD YOUR FREAKING HOUSE!

Anyway…

Fortunately, Arthur is informed that his uncle, a legendary ghost hunter named Cyrus (F. Murray Abraham) has died and, as a result, Arthur has inherited his mansion! YAY! PROBLEM SOLVED! Of course, the mansion is kind of weird. The walls are covered with Latin phrases and it’s all glass. “I do not do windows,” Maggie says. Ha ha ha.

Well, it turns out that the entire house is full of murderous ghosts. (Of course, you can’t see them unless you put on special glasses.) We occasionally get glimpses of the ghosts and this is where Thirteen Ghosts actually triumphs. The ghosts actually are really freaky looking and they’ve all got enjoyably weird backstories. That’s a good thing.

What isn’t a good thing is that, in order for the ghosts to get free and wreck some havoc, everyone in the house is required to act like a total idiot. Hence, we get Shannon Elizabeth staring at herself in a mirror for literally four minutes, just so one ghost can sneak up behind her. We get Bobby and Maggie constantly running off. We also get Embeth Davidtz as a “spirit liberator” and Matthew Lillard as a psychic.

Does Matthew Lillard give a good performance in Thirteen Ghosts? It’s hard to say. He definitely gives a performance that could only be given by Matthew Lillard. There’s a few scenes where you do wish someone on set had told him to calm down but, on the whole, you can count me in the pro-Lillard camp. It’s a silly film and it needs someone willing to give a silly performance.

There are a few parts of Thirteen Ghosts that have stood up well. The ghosts, the production design, the scene with the lawyer. But ultimately, the movie fails because you really don’t care about Arthur or his family or his housekeeper. In these type of films, the main characters either have to be likable or they have to be so unlikable that you don’t mind seeing them get terrorized. But bland just will not get the job done!

Since I love lists, here’s my ranking of the ghosts, from least to most frightening:

The Withered Lover — I can’t talk too much about her without it counting as a spoiler but she’s the only ghosts that isn’t malicious and therefore, she’s not frightening.
The Bound Woman — A hanging woman wearing a prom dress. Who cares?
The Torso — The torso is a legless torso that has to drag itself around by its hands. The torso is kinda freaky but it’s hard to be scared of something that doesn’t have legs.
The Pilgrimess — The Pilgrimess was accused of witchcraft in the 17th Century. She’s kind of scary but she’s also still in the stocks so she’s not quite as threatening as she could be.
The Great Child and
the Dire Mother — AGCK! The Dire Mother is a tiny woman who is always feeding her giant son, the Great Child! Creepy!
The Torn Prince — The Torn Prince always freaks me out. Not only is he massively disfigured as the result of a car crash but he also carries a baseball bat. AGCK!
The First Born Son — The first born son is a kid who has an arrow sticking out his head. He whispers that he wants to play. AGCK! Children are creepy.
The Angry Princess — The Angry Princess is a total rip-off of the bathtub ghost from The Shining but she still scares the Hell out of me. AGCK!
The Hammer — AGCK! He’s a former blacksmith, covered in spikes and featuring a hammer in place of his left hand.
The Juggernaut — Oh my God, this guys is scary and evil-looking! We’re told that he killed 9 people when he was alive and 31 people as a ghost. DOUBLE AGCK!
The Jackal — OH MY GOD! The Jackal gave me nightmares when I was younger and he’s still the scariest of the ghosts! He’s the one who has a cage on his head. The scene where he attacks Shannon Elizabeth is pure nightmare fuel! TRIPLE AGCK!

Anyway, the movie’s not as scary as I remembered but those ghosts are still Agck-worthy.

Insomnia File #11: Summer Catch (dir by Mike Tollin)

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Whenever I look at my cable guide, I always notice that channel 834 is listed as being “MorMax.” For some reason, I always assume that MorMax stands for Morman Max and I’m always expecting that it’s going to show movies about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. But actually, MorMax stands for More Cinemax.

Anyway, last night, if you were having a hard time sleeping around midnight (though why anyone would ever try to go to sleep before midnight is beyond me), you could have turned on MorMax and watched the 2001 romantic comedy Summer Catch!

Though it may be hard to believe today, there was a time when Freddie Prinze, Jr. was a pretty big deal. From 1997 to 2001, Prinze appeared in 179 movies. Well, actually, he only appeared in 10 but since they were all aimed at teenage girls and played on cable constantly, it felt like 179. (Seriously, there was a time when I could not get through an entire day without seeing at least a few minutes of She’s All That.) For the most part, all of these films were pretty much the same. Freddie Prinze, Jr. plays a kind of dumb guy who falls in love with a girl. Prinze’s character was usually from a working class family and had at least one wacky friend. The girl was usually from a rich family and had one bitchy friend who would be an ex-friend by the end of the movie. There was usually at least one scene set on the beach or at a swimming pool, the better for Freddie to remove his shirt and his costar to chastely strip down to her underwear. There was usually a falling in love montage and at least one big misunderstanding. Freddie would always flash the same goofy smile whenever the misunderstanding was cleared up. Even at the time that the films were being released, nobody was ever under the impression that Freddie Prinze, Jr. was a particularly good actor. But he was likable, unthreatening, and hot in an oddly bland sort of way.

(Speaking of oddly bland, check out the titles of some of Prinze’s films: She’s All That, Down To You, Boys and Girls, Head over Heels, and, of course, Summer Catch.)

Summer Catch opens with Ryan Dunne (Freddie!) explaining that he’s just a working class kid from Massachusetts but this summer, he’s going to be playing amateur baseball in Cap Cod and hopefully, he’ll get signed to a professional contract as result. (Freddie adopts an inconsistent “pahk ya cah by the bah” accent and its kind of endearing to see him trying so hard.) Ryan, of course, is just a local guy who mows lawns for a living but he’s determined to succeed. He just has to stay focused.

However, that’s going to be difficult because he’s just met Tenley Parrish (Jessica Biel). The Parrishes own a vacation home on Cape Cod and they are so rich that they can afford to name their oldest daughter Tenley. Soon, Tenley and Ryan are a couple but Tenley’s father wants Tenley to marry a rich boy and Ryan’s father is too busy being all surly and working class to appreciate Ryan’s dreams.

(Tenley’s father, incidentally, is played by Bruce Davison because all snobbish WASPs of a certain age are played by Bruce Davison. Ryan’s father is played by Fred Ward because Summer Catch was made in 2001.)

Because every Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie needs a hyperactive and wacky sidekick, Ryan’s best friend on the team is a catcher named Billy Brubaker (Matthew Lillard.) Billy is known as “Bru.” There’s a lot of scenes of people saying stuff like “Yo, Bru,” and “Come on, Bru!” After a while, I found myself hoping for a scene where Bru went crazy and started shouting, “My name is Billy, dammit! BILLY! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!” Instead, however, we get a subplot about how Billy can’t get any hits until he has sex with and wears the thong underwear of a local baseball fan.

Anyway, Summer Catch is an extremely predictable film. It’s not surprising that this was one of Freddie’s final star vehicles because, other than his heroic effort to maintain a Massachusetts accent, even he seems to be bored with it all. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Summer Catch is that there’s next to no actual conflict in the film. Oh sure, Ryan and Tenley have a few misunderstandings but it’s never anything serious.

If there’s an unheralded hero to Summer Catch, it’s the uncredited guy who we hear providing commentary during the games. Seriously, I would have been so lost if not for him constantly saying stuff like, “This is Ryan Dunne’s chance to show what he can do,” and “Billy Brubaker needs to get a hit here…” They should have made the entire movie about him and his efforts to remain up-to-date on all the players.

Because Summer Catch was a baseball film, I begged my sister Erin to watch it with me so that she could explain all the baseball stuff to me. For the record, Erin says that the game scenes were okay (and I personally liked all of the totally gratuitous slow motion) but that the film wasn’t really a deep examination of baseball. To be honest, I really wasn’t expecting that it would be. I just wanted to make my sister stay up late and watch a movie with me.

Previous Insomnia Files:

Back to School #58: She’s All That (dir by Robert Iscove)

Posted on September 17, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

She’s All That, a 1999 high school-set adaptation of My Fair Lady, has a lot to answer for.

When I, as an impressionable 13 year-old first saw this film, I left the theater believing that high school would be full of random, fully choreographed dance-offs. That, after all, is what happened towards the end of She’s All That. After watching as handsome jock Zack (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) spent almost the entire movie changing Laney (Rachael Leigh Cook) from an artist into a Prom Queen, the great prom dance-off made for the perfect climax.

I mean, just check it out:

Imagine how disappointed I was, once I finally did reach high school, to discover that it was actually nothing like She’s All That. There were no big dance numbers for no particular reason. I went to five different proms and none of them were ever as much fun as the prom at the end of She’s All That.

So thank you, She’s All That, for getting my hopes up.

As for the rest of the film, it’s a guilty pleasure in much the same way as Never Been Kissed. I was recently doing some research over at the imdb and I was surprised to discover just how many films Freddie Prinze,Jr. made between 1999 and 2002. For the most part, they’ve all got rather generic names. What’s funny is that I probably saw most of them because, back then, I would get excited over almost any PG-rated movie that featured a cute guy and had a hint of romance about it. But, with the exception of She’s All That, I can’t really remember a single one of them. But you know what? Freddie Prinze, Jr. may not be a great actor and his films may have basically all been the same but he had a certain something that, when you were 13 or 14, made him the perfect crush. There was a hot blandness to Freddie Prinze, Jr. that prevented him from being compelling but did make him the perfect star for a film like She’s All That.

Along with featuring that prom dance-off and being the epitome of a Fredde Prinze, Jr. movie, She’s All That is also remembered for featuring Rachael Leigh Cook as one of the most unlikely ugly ducklings in the history of the movies. Rachael plays Laney and the entire film’s starting off point is that Zack has made a bet with Dean (Paul Walker, as handsome here as he was in Varsity Blues) that he can turn Laney into a prom queen. However, it should be a pretty easy bet to win because all Laney has to do is let her hair down, start wearing makeup, and stop wearing her glasses.

Myself, I’m severely myopic. Usually, I wear contact lenses but occasionally, I may be running late or may not feel like putting my contacts in or maybe I just want to try a different look. So, occasionally, I’ll wear my glasses and I have to say that, other than a few guys who always make “hot librarian” jokes, everyone pretty much treats me the same regardless of whether I’m wearing my glasses or not. I do have to admit though that, when I take off my glasses and dramatically let my hair down, I always say that I’m having a She’s All That moment.

Anyway, She’s All That is okay. I like it but I don’t love it and, to be honest, the film’s main appeal is a nostalgic one. Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Paul Walker both look good, Rachael Leigh Cook and Jodi Lynn O’Keefe will keep the boys happy, and Matthew Lillard has a few good scenes where he plays an obnoxious reality tv celeb.

And there’s always that dance number!

A Dangerous Quickie With Lisa Marie: The Descendants (dir. by Alexander Payne)

Posted on December 12, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

One thing that always happens at Oscar season is that certain films will be so embraced by the critical establishment that even daring to challenge their opinion to even the slightest degree will be interpreted as some sort of cinematic heresy. These are the films that make you feel as if Roger Ebert is standing directly behind you, holding a gun to your head and commanding you to enjoy and be moved by what you’re watching. Last year, that film was The Social Network. This year, at least for me, it’s The Descendants.

One reason why The Descendants has been so praised by the critics is because it’s seen as being a film about “real people” and “real life.” It’s advertised as a film with no easy villains and no easy heroes. This is the type of film that people tend to praise for not falling into specific genre. However, those critics are wrong because The Descendants is a pure genre film, make no mistake about it. It is the latest entry in the Mediocre White Man film genre. The MWM genre tends to center on middle-aged white guys who are comfortably upper middle class, have quirky relatives, and have been afflicted by ennui. The protagonist of the MWM film usually narrates the action for us and tends to spend a lot of time explaining how he’s managed to structure his life for maximum efficiency while, at the same time, shutting himself off emotionally from the rest of the world. Over the course of the MWM film, the protagonist is usually forced to deal with some crisis that makes him realize that 1) he’s getting old, 2) his safe life has become a prison, and 3) there’s not much he can do about it. The MWM film will feature at least one or more scenes featuring our protaganist either aimlessly running or standing still on an escalator with a blank expression on his face while some old song from the 60s or 70s plays on the soundtrack.

MWM films tend to do well critically because most critics are mediocre white men themselves. They also do well with the Academy, probably for the same reason. And, don’t get me wrong. There have been some excellent MWW films released over the past decade. Sideways, Up in the Air, Thank You For Somoking, and even Michael Clayton are all excellent MWM films. The problem isn’t that The Descendants is a MWM film, the problem is that it doesn’t really bring anything new to genre and even the film’s most effective moments feel awfully familiar.

In The Descendants, George Clooney (a mainstay of MWM genre) plays Matt King, a wealthy attorney living in Hawaii. Matt’s wife is in a boating accident that leaves her brain-dead. Matt, who has always been “the backup parent,” finds himself forced to take care of his two daughters (Amara Miller and Shailene Woodley) while going from island to island to inform people of Elizabeth’s impending death. Along the way, he discovers that Elizabeth has been having an affair with a sleazy real estate agent (Matthew Lillard) and he’s forced to confront the fact that he hasn’t always been the best husband or father. There’s a lot of quirky and funny moments and there’s a lot of sad moments but they’re never feel quite as genuine as the film seems to believe. Instead, they often feel more like they were just put there to satisfy the demands of the MWM genre. The end result is a film that too often seems to mistake ambiguity for insight and which ultimately seems to be more safe than honest.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that The Descendants is a bad film. Much like The Social Network, it’s a good film that also happens to be very overrated. Director Alexander Payne keeps the story moving and, as predictable as the film may be, it’s still well-acted and occasionally well-written. Though I thought a lot of the dialogue was a bit too spot-on perfect (this is a film where even the inarticulate characters sound calculated), the script features enough good one-liners to keep the film entertaining. Amongst the cast, Robert Forster is poignant as Elizabeth’s grieving father (and his “I’m going to hit you line,” is perfectly delivered) and Judy Greer makes the most of the thankless role of Lillard’s wife.

In the end, I guess the Descendants is a lot like an old middle school crush. He’s so cute and appealing that it takes a while of digging and soul searching before you can admit that there’s really not much going on there.