Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.3 “Second Wave”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

Trouble comes to Malibu!

Episode 1.3 “Second Wave”

(Dir by Scott Brazil, originally aired on October 13th, 1989)

Jimmy Roche (Daniel Quinn), an old friend-turned-enemy of Eddie’s, is in Malibu and he and his gang are eager to give Eddie a hard time.  When Eddie tries to rescue a man in the water, Jimmy trips him and then plays keep-away with Eddie rescue can.  Dang, these guys are hardcore!

Eddie doesn’t want to tell anyone about his past, even after Jimmy files an assault complaint against him.  (Eddie was provoked into throwing a punch.)  Jimmy threatens to robs Gina and Craig unless Eddie gives him some money.  Eddie agrees to meet with Jimmy but then tells the cops.  Garner Ellerbee decides to set up an undercover sting, which basically means that Garner stands next to Eddie while Eddie waits for Jimmy to show up.  Somehow, Jimmy figures out what’s going on.  Looks like Eddie will just have to beat Jimmy up on the beach and prove that he’s no longer a delinquent from Philadelphia.

That would be an intense storyline, if not for the fact that Jimmy himself comes across as being kind of a wimp.  I mean, a young David Spade is a member of his gang!  Eddie allows himself to be intimidated by a young David Spade!  Think about that.  This storyline just made Eddie seem  kind of dumb,

Meanwhile, a young Mariska Hargitay gave a terrible performance as Lisa (hey!), the daughter of the head of the country club.  Lisa (!) decided to pursue a romance with the country club’s lifeguard, Trevor, as a way of upsetting her father.  When Lisa (!) jumped into the ocean to make a point (though I’m not sure what point), Trevor rescued her.  However, Lisa (!) later went into shock because she still had water in her lungs.  Trevor was able to get her to the hospital in time but he learned an important lesson about not being a cocky lifeguard.

“The county lifeguards know about secondary drowning,” he’s told.

Okay, so why wouldn’t Trevor know about that?  The whole idea behind Trevor’s character is that he was a hotshot lifeguard in Australia before he came to California.  So, is the show implying that he wasn’t trained in lifeguard basics in Australia because given how famous Australia is for its beaches, I find that hard to believe.

Anyway, after she recovers Lisa (!) announces that she’s going back to New York and Trevor realizes that she was only using him to make her father angry.  Trevor stops by Baywatch HQ and talks to Mitch and admits that he doesn’t enjoy working as a lifeguard.  Lifeguard Jill Riley gives him a sympathetic look.  It looks like they’re falling in love but I’ve seen this series before so I already know that Jill is going to get eaten by a shark and Trevor is going to vanish after a few more episodes.

This episode could have used a shark.

We love you, Roboshark!

Lisa Goes Back To College: Jocks (dir by Steve Carver)


A typically exciting scene from Jocks

A typically exciting scene from Jocks

Having already watched 3 campus protests from 1970, I decided that maybe I should watch something a little bit less heavy-handed for my next college film.  But I knew that, in order to find a college film that would have nothing serious on its mind, I would have to find a film that was made after the 70s.

That’s what led to me getting out my Too Cool For School DVD boxset and watching Jocks, a “comedy” from 1987.  As you can probably guess from the sarcastic use of quotation marks, I probably would have been better off staying in the 70s.

Christopher Lee (!) plays the President White, the strict president of L.A. College.  President White is upset because the athletic department has failed to win a championship in over ten years so he gives Coach Bettlebom (played by veteran character actor R. G. Armstrong) an ultimatum: win a championship or lose his job.  Bettlebom argues that the rest of the athletic department would be able to win if it wasn’t for the financial obligation of supporting the school’s tennis team.  Bettlebom then tells tennis Coach Williams (played by Shaft himself, Richard Roundtree) that he’s canceling the tennis program and all of the tennis players are going to lose their scholarships.  Williams responds by making a bet.  If the tennis team wins the national championship, the tennis program will continue.  And if they don’t, the team will cease to exist, Williams will be out of a job, and the members of the tennis team will all be forced to drop out of college and have their lives totally ruined…

Wait a minute.

That makes absolutely no sense.

What the Hell is Coach Williams thinking!?

That’s the sort of thinking that leads students to protest and occupy buildings and basically act like they’re extras in Getting Straight, Zabriskie Point, and R.P.M.

But anyway, let’s just move on and not worry about things like logic and narrative sense.  It’s time to meet the tennis team!

There’s Tex (Adam Mills), who doesn’t have a Texas accent.  Tex doesn’t really do much but he’s certainly in a lot of scenes.

There’s Andy (Stoney Jackson), the flamboyant black guy who freaks out his opponents by pretending to be gay, because this film was made in the 20th Century.

There’s Chito (Trinidad Silva), who speaks Spanish and dramatically crosses himself before playing each set.

There’s Ripper (Donald Gibb), who has a thick beard, growls a lot, and appears to be in his 40s.

There’s Jeff (Perry Lang), the nice guy.  In a film full of unlikable characters, Jeff seems to be, at the very least, a decent guy.  Plus, he has a fairly funny drunk scene and, when you’re watching a film like Jocks, you come to appreciate fairly funny.

And then there’s The Kid (Scott Strader), who apparently doesn’t have a name.  Seriously, even President White calls him “The Kid.”  As you might guess about someone with a permanent nickname, The Kid is a master tennis player.

Anyway, the team goes to the championships in Las Vegas where they engage in the usual drunken hijinks and basically act like a bunch of jerks.  They also play some rather boring tennis games.  The Kid falls for a tennis groupie played by future Law & Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay.  Eventually, it all comes down to whether or not the team can beat Dallas Tech and, as a proud Texas girl, I’m not ashamed to admit that I was saying, “Go Dallas!” the entire time.

So, is Jocks worth watching?

If you’re a Christopher Lee fan, maybe.  But, honestly, I think Sir Christopher would forgive you if you skipped this one.

But if you really want to, check out Jocks below!

A Quickie From Lisa Marie: Kiss Them For Me (by Siouxsie and the Banshees)


Last Monday, I made a change.  I moved from my small, cozy apartment (with its paper-thin walls and bedroom window that I could never quite get to shut all the way) to a big, two-story house that I’ll be sharing with my sister and BFF, Erin Nicole.  As excited and happy as I am having made this move, it also meant that, last week, I spent less time than usual obsessing over grindhouse exploitation and pop culture.

In other words, I’ve got to make up for some lost time.

I’d like to begin by highlighting one of my favorite songs, perhaps my favorite song of all time.  Siouxsie Sioux may have been first known as simply a groupie for the Sex Pistols (Way back when, Bill Grundy’s lame attempts to hit on her led to the televised profanity that inspired the infamous “Filth and the Fury” headline) but she later proved herself to be a brilliant and intriguing artist in her own right.  As the vocalist for Siouxsie and the Banshees, Siouxsie was (and is) one of the most important figures of the post-punk era.

Proving once again that I was simply born several years too late, I didn’t get a chance to appreciate the Banshees until they had already ceased to exist as an active group.  In 2004, having just recently seen 24 Hour Party People, I was obsessed with all things punk and all things new wave.  While everyone else was discovering the Black-Eyed Peas or trying to maintain a sense of ironic detachment while buying the latest from Ashlee Simpson, I was devoting my time to Joy Division, New Order, The Slits, the Talking Heads, Patti Smith, the New York Dolls, and Public Image, Ltd.  I haunted the used book and music stores of north Texas and, like an archeologist, I would chip away at all of the boring, modern sediment in hopes of discovering something wonderful hidden underneath it all.  Without a doubt, my greatest discovery was Siouxsie and the Banshees.

I discovered a CD entitled The Best of Siouxsie and the Banshees at Recycled Books in Denton, Texas and it quickly became one of my most prized possessions.  Over the years, my life has taken a lot of twists and turns but there has always been one constant — whenever I’ve needed them, Siouxsie and the Banshees have been playing on my CD player.

My favorite song off that CD is Kiss Them For Me, a song first released in 1991.  The song, which admittedly does have more of a “pop” feel to it than other Banshee songs, is Siouxsie’s tribute to another frequently misunderstood icon, Jayne Mansfield.  Like Mansfield, the song is unapologetically over-the-top and wonderfully self-aware.  It’s a song that pays tribute to a legend by being legendary itself. 

(It’s also the song that I had playing nonstop while my sister and I were unpacking our things this week.)

The song’s lyrics refer both obliquely and explicitly to Mansfield’s decapitation in a 1967 car accident.  (Mansfield’s daughter — Mariska Hargitay — survived the accident and is currently the star of Law and Order: SVU.)

It glittered and it gleamed
For the arriving beauty queen
A ring and a car
Now you’re the prettiest by far
No party she’d not attend
No invitation she wouldn’t send
Transfixed by the inner sound
Of your promise to be found

“nothing or no-one will ever
Make me let you down”

Kiss them for me — I may be delayed
Kiss them for me — if I am delayed

It’s divoon, oh it’s serene
In the fountains pink champagne
Someone carving their devotion
In the heart shaped pool of fame

“nothing or no-one will ever
Make me let you down”

Kiss them for me — I may be delayed
Kiss them for me — I may find myself delayed

On the road to new orleans
A spray of stars hit the screen
As the 10th impact shimmered
The forbidden candles beamed

Kiss them for me — I may be delayed
Kiss them for me — I may find myself delayed

Kiss them for me — kiss them for me

Kiss them for me — I may find myself delayed