What Evelyn and Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #125: I Killed My BFF (dir by Seth Jarrett)

Posted on June 14, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my best friend forever Evelyn and I watched the latest Lifetime film, I Killed My BFF.

(Watching a movie called I Killed My BFF with my BFF? How could that possibly go wrong?)

Why Were We Watching It?

Evelyn and I love to watch the Lifetime original series, I Killed My BFF. For those of you who may not obsess over Lifetime like we do, I Killed My BFF is a true crime show about best friends who end up killing each other. Each episode features dramatic reenactments and the fun comes from trying to guess which friend will be the murderer and which friend will end up meeting a very gruesome end.

(I know it’s probably in bad taste to refer to a true crime show as being “fun” but … oh well.)

From the minute that Evelyn and I heard that Lifetime would be airing a film version of I Killed My BFF, we simply knew we would have to watch.

(According to the imdb, I Killed My BFF was originally titled The Neighbor. I’m not sure if it was originally meant to have any connection to the I Killed My BFF series or not. If I had to guess, I would say that Lifetime bought the film and changed the title to make it appear to be a spin-off of the I Killed My BFF series, in much the same way that Lucio Fulci’s Zombi 2 was specifically titled to fool European audiences into thinking that it was a sequel to George Romero’s Zombi, or Dawn of the Dead as it was known here in the States.)

Also, another reason Evelyn and I were watching the movie together is because that’s what BFFs do! (Except when they’re busy killing each other, of course….)

What Was It About?

When blonde Shane (Katrina Bowden) meets redheaded Heather (Olivia Crocicchia) at the hospital, shortly after both of them have given birth, they quickly become BFFs. Unfortunately, they both have their struggles. Heather is bipolar. Shane is ambitious but poor. Of course, their biggest problem is that they are characters in a film called I Killed My BFF and that means that one of them is going to be dead by the end of the movie.

What Worked?

This was actually one of the better Lifetime films that I’ve seen this year. The film looked great, director Seth Jarrett never allowed the film to drag, and both Katrina Bowden and Olivia Crocicchia gave good performances. (Olivia Crocicchia, in particular, was heartbreaking in some of her vulnerable moments.) Even the film’s score was pretty good! All in all, this film was exactly what we want when we watch a Lifetime true crime movie.

What Did Not Work?

Part of the fun of I Killed My BFF: The Series is that you’re never quite sure which BFF is going to die until the last few minutes of each episode. Unfortunately, the commercials for I Killed My BFF: The Movie revealed, ahead of time, which BFF was going to die. They served as a HUGE spoiler.

Though it may seem nitpicky, by the time the murder occurred, Heather and Shane were no longer really friends. This film should have been called I Killed My Ex-BFF.

“Oh my God! Just like us!” Moments

Okay, so obviously you know that you’re taking a risk when you and your BFF decide to watch a movie called I Killed My BFF. But it was still kinda freaky how much Evelyn and I had in common with Shane and Heather. For instance, Heather had red hair and so do I! Evelyn has pretty blonde hair and so did Shane! Heather took a “gazillion meds” and so do I! Evelyn looks good in red and so did Shane! It was uncanny and a little disturbing!

After watching the movie, I assured Evelyn that I would never murder her and, after thinking about it for a disturbingly long time, Evelyn agreed that she would probably never murder me. But then, every episode of I Killed My BFF begins with the BFFs saying the exact same thing! Listen, I love my BFF but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t spend all night looking over my shoulder.

Lessons Learned

Be careful when it comes to picking a BFF. Apparently, some people just can’t handle the pressure of being a best friend forever.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #126: The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, Part 2 (dir by Laurie Collyer)

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday night, I watched Part 2 of Lifetime’s The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.

Why Was I Watching It?

I was watching it because I watched Part One on Saturday and I absolutely loved it! I wanted to see how Part Two would deal with the second half of Marilyn’s life. Would it explore the mysteries that still surround her death? Would the Kennedys make an appearance? Who would come off worse — Joe DiMaggio or Arthur Miller?

What Was It About?

Part Two of The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe deals with her life after she became a star. We watch as the increasingly fragile Marilyn marries the physically abusive Joe DiMaggio (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and the mentally abusive Arthur Miller (Stephen Bogaert). (Seriously, neither Joe nor Arthur comes across positively in this film.) Marilyn continues to deal with her own fears that she’ll go crazy like her mother (Susan Sarandon). She has a brief moment of hope when she meets John F. Kennedy, though the film is deliberately vague about the details of their relationship. Ultimately, she ends up having a breakdown and is hospitalized against her will. By the end of the film, it seems like she’s found some hope for the future but then, we see her tossing and turning in bed and clumsily reaching for a bottle of pills…

What Worked?

Kelli Garner’s performance as Marilyn was just impressive here as it was during the first part of the film.

What Did Not Work?

Sadly, Part Two just wasn’t as good as Part One. To a large extent, Part One worked because of the emphasis on Marilyn’s relationships with her mom (Susan Sarandon) and her adopted aunt Grace (Emily Watson). In Part Two, those relationships were overshadowed by Marilyn’s unhappy marriages to DiMaggio and Miller. As a result, the film lost some of its focus and it often seemed to be meandering from one unhappy scene to another until Marilyn’s final night.

Also, I was disappointed that the film was so vague in its approach to Marilyn’s relationship with the Kennedys. Listen, everyone knows that Marilyn had an affair with both Jack and Bobby Kennedy. The film tried to create some ambiguity about this point, never actually showing either Kennedy brother on screen and instead, just having Marilyn talk about them. Rather unfairly, this created the impression that both affairs could have been another one of Marilyn’s delusions. Quite frankly, Marilyn Monroe deserves better than that.

“Oh My God! Just like me!” Moments

Just as with Part One, there were several. Kelli Garner humanized her iconic role to such an extent that I think everyone watching could relate to her. I’ll just say that I’ve known my DiMaggios and my Millers and leave it at that.

Lessons Learned

Fame does not equal happiness.

In the end, Part Two was not as good as Part One but, overall, The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe was worth the 4 hours it took to watch it. It did a great job of recreating the Hollywood of the past and Kelli Garner gave a great performance. Since this is Lifetime that we’re talking about, I imagine both parts will be rerun frequently. If you missed them the first time, don’t make the same mistake twice!

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #125: The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, Part I (dir by Laurie Collyer)

Posted on May 30, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, I watched Part One of the latest Lifetime original movie, The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.

Why Was I Watching It?

Lifetime has been advertising The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe for about two months now. From the first commercial, I knew that this was something that I was going to have to watch. After all, a movie about a famous and tragic actress on the always melodramatic Lifetime network? How could I not watch?

What Was It About?

It’s right there in the title. The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe tells the story of how poor country girl Norma Jean Baker became the iconic Marilyn Monroe. The first part of this two-part film dealt with Marilyn’s early years. We watched as Marilyn (played by Kelli Garner) made her way out to Hollywood and appeared in her first few films, all the while dealing with her mentally unstable mother, Grace (Susan Sarandon). Part One ended with Marilyn on the verge of becoming the world’s biggest star. It was a happy ending for Marilyn but not so much for the audience because we know what’s going to happen to her during Part II.

What Worked?

The first part of The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe was everything that you could possibly want from a Lifetime movie. The costumes, the production design, the cinematography — it was all properly opulent and wonderful to look at.

Even more importantly, Part One was anchored by three wonderful performances from three great actresses. Susan Sarandon was heartbreaking and poignant as Marilyn’s unstable mother. Emily Watson brought a quiet strength to the role of Marilyn’s surrogate mother, Grace. And finally, there’s Kelli Garner in the title role. After years of doing good work in small roles (Bully, Lars and The Real Girl), The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe finally gives Kelli Garner a chance to show what she’s capable of doing as an actress. In part one, Garner gave a performance that both humanized an icon while also suggesting the legend that she would eventually become.

What Did Not Work?

The film’s framing device, in which Marilyn told her story to a psychologist played by Jack Noseworthy, occasionally felt a bit awkward. Otherwise, as far as the first half of The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe was concerned, it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Obviously, I don’t want to sit here and compare myself to Marilyn Monroe. I’ll leave that for others to do. However, I do have to say that there were quite a few “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments in the first part of The Secret Life Of Marilyn Monroe. That was one reason why the film worked so well — it took an iconic figure and humanized her to the extent that anyone viewing could relate to her.

There were many moments that I related to during part one, particularly when it came to Marilyn’s emotional vulnerability and her desire to be seen as something more than just another pretty face. In fact, there were more than a few times that I had to look away from the screen because, often, Marilyn’s pain was my pain.

Ultimately, though, the biggest “OMG! Just like me!” moment came at the start of the film when Marilyn spent over an hour trying on different outfits before greeting the psychologist waiting in the next room. I’m just as obsessive, especially when it comes to picking the right clothes for a doctor’s appointment.

(Seriously, I once spent an entire day putting together the perfect outfit for seeing the allergist.)

Lessons Learned

Fame can’t buy happiness but it can come awfully close. (Of course, I have a feeling that lesson will be invalidated once I watch the second part of The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.)

So, I Finally Watched Grace of Monaco…

Posted on May 25, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, I finally saw Grace of Monaco and…

Oh God.

Seriously, I am sitting here right now and I am just thinking to myself, “Oh God, do I really have to try to think up something interesting to say about this movie?” Grace of Monaco is not a good movie but, at the same time, it’s bad in the worst way possible. It’s not so bad-that-its-entertaining. Instead, it’s just a dull misfire.

In fact, probably the only really interesting thing about Grace of Monaco is that it is the first film to go from opening Cannes to premiering on Lifetime. Though it may seem impossible to believe now, there was a time in 2013 when everyone was expecting Grace of Monaco to be a major Oscar contender. It seemed like everyone was saying that Nicole Kidman was a lock for a best actress nomination and maybe more!

Then the film’s American release date was moved from November of 2013 to June of 2014. Rumor had it that the infamous Harvey Weinstein was chopping up the film and destroying the vision of director Olivier Dahan. “Bad Harvey!” we all said. (Of course, having now seen the film, I can understand why Harvey may have had some concerns…)

Okay, we told ourselves, Grace of Monaco probably won’t be a best picture contender. But surely Nicole Kidman can get a nomination. Surely the costumes and the production design will be honored…

And then the film played opening night at the Cannes Film Festival and it was greeted with less than appreciate reviews. In fact, the reaction to the film was so negative that it has since become somewhat legendary.

And so, the American premiere was canceled. The film opened in Europe, where it made little money and received scathing reviews. But it was destined to never play in an American theater. Instead, Grace of Monaco was sold to the Lifetime network.

And, after all of the drama and the waiting, I finally got to see Grace of Monaco tonight and … well, bleh.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a pretty movie. I loved looking at what everyone was wearing. I enjoyed looking at the ornate settings. Whenever Grace Kelly stopped to look out at the view from the palace, I appreciated it because it was a beautiful view. If I had hit mute and simply enjoyed the film as a look at beautiful people wearing beautiful clothes and living in beautiful houses, I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more.

But, unfortunately, Grace of Monaco has a plot that gets in the way. The evil French, led by Charles De Gualle (played by Andre Penvern, who gives a performance that would probably be more appropriate for a James Bond film), want to take over Monaco because the citizens of Monaco don’t pay any income tax. (I was totally Team Monaco as far as this was concerned. Everyone should stop paying their taxes. If we all do it, we’ll be fine. They can’t prosecute all of us!) Only Princess Grace Kelly can stop them but first, she has to convince her headstrong husband, Prince Rainier (Tim Roth), to listen to her opinions. She has to convince her subjects that she’s more than just an opinionated American.

But Grace doesn’t just want to keep the French out of Monaco! She also wants to return to her film career. Alfred Hitchcock (Roger Ashton-Griffiths) wants her to star in Marnie. (Hitchcock is always filmed as being slightly out-of-focus.) Rainier doesn’t want her to return to acting. And neither does a priest played by Frank Langella…

What was Frank Langella doing in this movie? I have no idea. He was some sort of advisor. I understand that he’s based on a historical figure but honestly, the film was so boring that I can’t even bring myself to go on Wikipedia to find out who exactly he was.

But really, the main issue with Grace of Monaco is that it tells us absolutely nothing about Grace Kelly. The film doesn’t seem to know who she was or what it wants to say about her. And Nicole Kidman is a good actress and I hope that I look as good as she does when I’m 47 and after I’ve given birth to two children but seriously, she seems to be totally lost in this film. Olivier Dahan fills the film with close-ups of Kidman’s face but for what reason? Never for a minute do we believe we’re looking at the face of the star of High Noon, Rear Window, or To Catch A Thief. Instead, we’re always aware that we’re looking at Nicole Kidman and she doesn’t seem to be sure just what exactly she’s supposed to be doing. We learn nothing about Grace, Monaco, France, royalty, or movies.

And it’s a shame really. Because the story of Grace Kelly would make a great film. But Grace of Monaco doesn’t really tell you anything about her life.

It’s just boring and a film about an actress like Grace Kelly has absolutely no right to be boring.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #124: Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on May 23, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original movie, Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story!

Why Was I Watching It?

The most obvious answer is because it was on Lifetime. As y’all know, I love Lifetime movies, especially when they’re based on a “true” crime story.

As well, I am among those who, since 2013, have been fascinated and frustrated with the twists and turns of the Hannah Anderson kidnapping case. Hannah was a 16 year-old cheerleader who was kidnapped by a family friend, James DiMaggio. DiMaggio also murdered Hannah’s mother and younger brother. When Hannah was finally found and rescued by the FBI, many questioned whether Hannah had been DiMaggio’s victim or his accomplice.

I can still remember when questions were first raised over Hannah’s role in DiMaggio’s crimes. It seemed like everyone had an opinion. There were some days when I felt like Hannah had to be innocent and then there were other days when I thought the exact opposite. Nearly two years later and I still go back-and-forth. That’s the main reason I wanted to see Kidnapped. I wanted to see whether this would be the film that would finally convince me one way or the other.

What Was It About?

The film begins with the FBI rescuing 16 year-old kidnapping victim Hannah Anderson (Jessica Amlee) and killing her kidnapper, Jim DiMaggio (Scott Patterson). A traumatized Hannah returns home but soon discovers that some, in the media, are claiming that she collaborated with Jim to murder her mother and younger brother. Hannah goes on a talk show to tell her side of the story.

What Worked?

Scott Patterson and Jessica Amlee gave good performances as Jim and Hannah. Amlee was sympathetic throughout. Patterson was properly creepy.

What Did Not Work?

The main reason that this case captured everyone’s imagination was because of the ambiguity of it all. Nobody was quite sure how they felt about Hannah Anderson and, especially in the early days of the investigation, Hannah’s behavior gave a lot of people reason to feel uneasy about her story. And while that’s probably not fair (who knows how any of us would act in a similar situation), it’s still the reason why people continue to debate the specifics of the Hannah Anderson kidnapping to this day.

Unfortunately, none of that ambiguity was present in the film. The only voice heard is Hannah’s and those who had doubts about Hannah’s story are dismissed as being trolls and bullies. In the process, a multi-layered mystery is reduced to just being the latest anti-bullying PSA. Kidnapped: The Hannah Anderson Story had all the elements necessary to be a truly intriguing and potentially unsettling film but, in the end, it’s just a standard Lifetime movie.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Considering the subject matter, I’d just as soon say that there were no “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments. However, that’s not quite true. There were times that I cringed at the flashbacks to Hannah and Jim’s relationship before the kidnapping, because, when I was that age, I did have some similar relationships that, in retrospect, were more than a little bit creepy. In particular, the scene where 40ish Jim says that he wishes he could “date” the 16 year-old Hannah brought back some less than fond memories.

Lessons Learned

Never underestimate the power of narrative ambiguity.

Film Review: Stockholm, Pennsylvania (dir by Nikole Beckwith)

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I think I’m going to start writing Stockholm, Pennsylvania fanfic. It’s not that I’m a fan of this particular movie. It’s just that, after watching it last night, I’m convinced that I could probably write a better version of the same story. At the very least, I could come up with a better ending.

(And who knows? Pennsylvania is technically close enough to Canada that I could do a Degrassi/Stockholm crossover.)

Stockholm, Pennsylvania premiered on Lifetime last night and, as a result, it will always be known as being a Lifetime movie. However, unlike such excellent films as Babysitter’s Black Book and Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal, Stockholm was not originally made for television. Instead, it was meant to be the feature film directorial debut of playwright Nikole Beckwith. Earlier this year, it played at the Sundance Film Festival, where it received some memorably mixed reviews and the film’s star, Saoirse Ronan, received more attention for her work in Brooklyn. And while Brooklyn was picked up by Fox Searchlight and declared an early Oscar contender, Stockholm, Pennsylvania was ultimately purchased by the Lifetime network.

Unfortunately, Stockholm, Pennsylvania is not the type of film that is served well by premiering on television. For the first 45 minutes or so, it’s a low-key film that moves at its own deliberate and moody pace. The film doesn’t have the right rhythm to remain compelling when combined with frequent commercial interruptions. And make no mistake about it — the interruptions were frequent! The 99 minute film was padded out with enough commercials so that, on television, it ran for 2 hours and 30 minutes.

Or, as I put it on twitter when I discovered that the movie wasn’t as close to being finished as I had originally assumed:

OMG, there's 35 minutes of this crap left!? I mean, no offense to anyone enjoying #StockholmPennsylvania but… Lol.

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) May 10, 2015

The film opens with kidnapping victim Leanne (Saoirse Ronan) being returned to her parents after spending 17 years living in the basement of Ben McKay (Jason Isaac). As we see in flashbacks, Ben kept Leanne isolated from the rest of the world and raised her as his own daughter. Ben also renamed her Leia but, at the same time, he apparently never let her watch any movies. (“He said I was named after a princess,” Leia cluelessly says at one point.) Ben also taught Leia to regularly pray to the Universe (“Dear Universe…”) and … well, that’s all we really learn about Leia’s relationship with Ben. And while I love cinematic ambiguity, the ambiguity of Stockholm, Pennsylvania just feels lazy.

Having been rescued (under circumstances that are left ambiguous because this is a lazy fucking movie), Leia is reunited with her parents, Marcy (Cynthia Nixon) and Glen (David Warshofsky). Leia doesn’t remember either of them and resists all of Marcy’s awkward attempts to force any sort of emotional relationship.

And, for the first half of the film, it’s actually fairly interesting. Nixon gives a good performance and Ronan proves again that she’s one of the best actresses working today. The film is moody and properly creepy and I was really interested in seeing what would happen…

And then, out of nowhere, an entirely different movie started. Suddenly, Marcy’s character completely and totally changed. Nixon stopped giving a good performance and instead became shrill and one-note. Ronan continued to give a good performance but the entire film crashed and burned around her. It all led up to quite possibly one of the worst endings that I have ever seen. It was seriously one of those endings that made me want to throw my high heels at the TV.

Seriously, it was terrible. In fact, it was so terrible that it didn’t matter that the first 45 minutes of the movie were not neccesarily bad. It did not matter that Saoirse Ronan was giving a great performance. It did not matter … well, nothing mattered.

Once I saw that ending, all I could think of was that I had just wasted two hours and 30 minutes on a film that was apparently made by someone who studied both Martha Marcy May Marlene and We Need To Talk About Kevin without ever understanding what made those two films worth studying in the first place.

Saoirse Ronan saved the film from being a complete disaster. It truly says something about her talent that she can give a good performance even when appearing in something like Stockholm, Pennsylvania (or Lost River for that matter). She’s like Meryl Streep without the condescending attitude.

I’m looking forward to seeing Saoirse Ronan’s work in Brooklyn. But Stockholm, Pennsylvania is best forgotten.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #123: Til Death Do Us Part (dir by Farhad Mann)

Posted on April 29, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I finally got a chance to watch the latest Lifetime original film, Til Death Do Us Part.

Why Was I Watching It?

I missed this one when it premiered on Lifetime last Saturday because I was busy watching Lake Placid vs. Anaconda on SyFy. Thank God for the DVR!

What Was It About?

It’s yet another Canadian-produced Lifetime movie about a new bride who suspects that her husband might be hiding a deadly secret. Sandra (Haylie Duff) has just married a doctor named Kevin (Ty Olsson). At first, Kevin seems like the perfect man but, after they move to a small town, he starts to reveal a controlling and angry side. Because Sandra has a heart condition, he demands that she constantly take pills. At the same time, his obsessively devoted sister, Jolene (Magda Apanowicz), has literally moved into the house.

When one of Sandra’s coworkers mysteriously dies, Sandra starts to wonder if maybe her husband was somehow involved.

What Worked?

The film’s first hour worked perfectly, largely because it emphasized Sandra’s confusion and her struggle to adjust to being a part of couple. Haylie Duff gave a pretty good performance during this part of the movie and was just unstable enough to allow the viewer to think that maybe — just maybe — everything really was just in her head. Unfortunately, the film sacrificed all hints of ambiguity during the far less satisfying second hour but, for those initial 60 minutes, it was a good and effective thriller.

Ty Olsson and Magda Apanowicz were both well cast as the mysterious husband and his creepy sister. Magda Apanowicz particularly deserves a lot of credit for totally committing herself to her role.

What Did Not Work?

This is one of those films that was great as long as you didn’t know what was going on. As long as the viewer was as confused as Sandra, the film worked. But then, as Kevin’s true nature became more and more obvious, the film itself became less and less interesting. I almost wish that no effort had been made to provide any motivation for either Kevin or his sister. If the two of them had remained enigmas, this film could have been an existential masterpiece as opposed to just being another take on Gaslight.

It was hard not to feel that Sandra could have avoided a lot of her troubles by simply doing a google search on Kevin before agreeing to marry him.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

If and when I do get married, I hope that my wedding will be as fun and as full of dancing as the wedding that opened this film. Seriously, I loved the first 15 minutes of this film because it was all about the wedding!

Lessons Learned

Before getting married, be sure to do a google search.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #122: Deadly Revenge (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched Deadly Revenge on Lifetime!

Why Was I Watching It?

Not only was it on Lifetime but it had one of the most perfectly generic Lifetime titles ever. Deadly Revenge sounds like one of the results that you’d get from a random Create-A-Lifetime-Movie-Title Generator.

What Was It About?

Harrison (Mark Hapka) appears to be the perfect guy. He’s got a good job, a great apartment, and he’s a good cook! However, he also has some secrets in his part, as his fiancee, Cate (Alicia Ziegler), discovers when she agrees to take care of Evelyn (Donna Mills), his sick mother.

What Worked?

Actually, this movie really wasn’t that bad. Alicia Ziegler and Donna Mills did the best that they could possibly do. If their characters occasionally didn’t make sense, that had more to do with the script than the performances. As well, I enjoyed seeing where everyone lived. Harrison had a really kickass apartment and Evelyn — oh my God, she practically lived in a freaking castle!

Plus, towards the end of the film, Cate got to wear this white dress that would look great on me. So, there’s always that.

What Did Not Work?

Oh my God, this is such a frustrating movie to try to review! Under the no spoiler rule, I’m not allowed to talk about the solution to the film’s mystery but, at the same time, it’s sooooooo obvious! Seriously, you will figure it out within the first 30 minutes of the film. (You would have figured it out earlier except for the fact that the mystery doesn’t start until about 30 minutes into the film.) I mean, you’re supposed to be shocked when the big secret is revealed but the only shocking thing is that Cate didn’t figure it out for herself. IT WAS SO OBVIOUS!

Like seriously.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I’ve actually recently had a dizzy spell/panic attack while driving so when Cate had the same thing happen to her, I was like, “Oh my God, I know exactly how scary that is!”

I do think I handled it better than Cate though. Cate reacted by calling up her best friend and talking to her on the phone while driving! In my case, however, I quickly pulled over to the side of the road, turned off the engine, and did my breathing exercises for panic attacks.

Lessons Learned

If it seems painfully obvious that someone is trying to kill you, they probably are.

What Lisa Watched This Afternoon #121: If There Be Thorns (dir by Nancy Savoca)

Posted on April 12, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This afternoon, as I wrote my review of Text To Kill, I was also watching another Lifetime original film. If There Be Thorns had been taking up space on my DVR for a week and I finally had time to watch it!

Why Was I Watching It?

If There Be Thorns originally aired last Sunday but I missed it because I was busy celebrating Easter with my family. However, I made sure to set the DVR because If There Be Thorns is the second sequel to one of my favorite Lifetime films of all time, Flowers in the Attic. The first sequel — Petals in the Wind — wasn’t that good. So, I was curious to see whether or not If There Be Thorns would be an improvement.

What Was It About?

Many years have passed since the end of Petals In The Wind. Christopher (Jason Lewis) and Cathy (Rachel Carpani) Dollanganger are now married and going by the name of Sheffield. In many ways, Christopher and Cathy seem to be living the perfect life. They’re in love. They’ve got two sons, Jory (Jedidiah Goodacre) and Bart (Mason Cook). Chris is a doctor. Cathy is a ballet teacher. And nobody is aware that Cathy and Christopher are actually brother and sister and that they spent several of their formative years locked in an attic together.

Strangely enough, however, Cathy and Chris happen to live next door to the remains of their former prison, Foxworth Hall. Bart even breaks into Foxworth Hall and finds the magazine that so intrigued Cathy and Chris when they were teenagers.

Eventually, a mysterious woman moves into Foxworth Hall and starts trying to ingratiate herself with Jory and especially Bart. What Chris and Cathy don’t know is that the woman is none other than their mother, Corrine (Heather Graham). When Corrine’s creepy servant John Amos (MacKenzie Gray) gives Bart the diary of his puritanical grandfather, Bart starts to go insane and even tries to kill his adopted sister, Cindy. Meanwhile, Corrine seeks forgiveness for her past sins, Cathy and Chris continue to obsess over the attic, and John Amos … well, John Amos just wants to kill everyone.

What Worked?

Oh my God, this movie is insane! As opposed to the slow-moving and bland Petals on the Wind, If There Be Thorns was a return to the over-the-top style that made Flowers In The Attic so much fun to watch. This is one of those films that you just watch with your mouth open, wondering just how much more messed up one family can get. Director Nancy Savoca brought a flair for the surreal to the film and Heather Graham did a good job bringing Corrine to eccentric life.

A special mention should be made of actor MacKenzie Gray, who gave a wonderfully menacing performance as the hulking John Amos. It was a great performance, one that was perfectly right for the film’s baroque style.

What Did Not Work?

Who would have thought that, after everything they had been through, Cathy and Chris would grow up to be such boring people? Hopefully, they’ll be more exciting in the fourth film in the series, Seeds of Yesterday.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

There really weren’t any. I don’t do attics. But that’s okay — it was still an entertainingly weird film!

Lessons Learned

The sins of the past cannot be escaped. (Especially if you insist on living right next door to the place where all those sins happened in the first place…)

What Lisa Watched Last Night #120: Text to Kill (dir by George Erschbamer)

Posted on April 12, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Canadian-made Lifetime original film, Text to Kill!

Why Was I Watching It?

I was watching both because it was on Lifetime and it was a Canadian production. I love Lifetime and I love Canada.

What Was It About?

High school senior Taylor (Emily Tennant) has a lot to deal with. It’s been two years since her father was killed in a tragic car accident. Her overprotective mother (Dina Meyer) is a cop. Her former best friend, Hannah (Stephanie Bennett), is now her enemy. Her current best friend, Barbara (Sarah Desjardins), is dealing with a secret of her own. And now, out of nowhere, she has started to get threatening texts from someone calling himself “Truth & Lies.”

Who could be behind the evil texts? At first, Taylor suspects that it’s Hannah. But could it be Brandon (Kurt Ostland), the school weirdo? Or maybe it’s Cody (Keenan Tracy), Taylor’s enigmatic new boyfriend who somehow had her number before she ever gave it to him. Or could it be someone else entirely?

What Worked?

Text to Kill was actually a pretty fun little thriller. It kept me guessing, all of the actors gave good performances, and — perhaps most importantly — there was not a single character who didn’t live in a big and tastefully decorated house. (One of the pleasures of watching movies on Lifetime is that you get to see how everyone decorates their home.) Sarah Desjardins especially did a good job in the role of Barbara, bringing a bit of social relevance to what otherwise could have just been a standard Lifetime thriller.

What Did Not Work?

From the minute Text to Kill started, I knew that it was going to be one of those thriller that ended with a totally implausible twist, the type of twist that it’s best not to think too much about. And that’s exactly what happened! Unfortunately, the twist was revealed when there was still 15 minutes of film left to go. That left the audience with 15 minutes to think about how little sense it all made. If the film had waited until the final 7 minutes to reveal that twist, it wouldn’t have been an issue. But 15 minutes is too long an amount of time to know about the twist without thinking about all the unanswered questions and issues raised by it.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to the character of Hannah and I especially admired the fact that she was less scared by the stalker and more just annoyed by all the inconvenience.

Lessons Learned

When your mom’s a cop, there’s nothing you can’t get away with.