Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s zombie time!

Episode 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on April 16th, 1983)

Dr. Stuart Wharton (Steve Allen) is a tightass stick-in-the-mud who has come to Fantasy Island to give a lecture on how to raise the perfect child.  His wife, Margaret (Jayne Meadows Allen), is sick of Dr. Wharton telling people how to live their lives and basically threatens to leave his condescending ass if he doesn’t allow her to adopt Andy (Justin Henry), who is not perfect but who is still better than any of the imaginary perfect children that Dr. Wharton has written and lectured about.  This fantasy was predictable and kind of boring.  Jayne Meadows Allen actually wrote the script so it’s interesting that the whole fantasy is basically her telling off her husband and accusing him of being a pompous jackass.

There is one interesting scene where Mr. Roarke talks about Stuart’s idea of the perfect child and the kid suddenly appears out of thin air.  Mr. Roarke also makes the kid disappear.  Mr. Roarke is all-powerful!

(So, you may be wondering, why Roarke doesn’t just use his God-like powers in every episode?  I think he wants his guests to sometimes lean a lesson on their own.  I always hate it when people try to make me learn something.  Sorry, Roarke.)

Meanwhile Erica Nelson (Gayle Hunnicutt) goes to a neighboring island in search of her missing fiancé, Dr. Richard Yates (Christopher Connelly).  Uh-oh!  The Island’s controlled by a mad scientist named Dr. Christophe (Jared Martin)!  And Dr. Christophe is into voodoo!

That’s right, there are zombies all over the place!  And one of the zombies is Erica’s husband!  Fortunately, it turns out that zombification is not a permanent condition and Erica is eventually able to cure her husband while the remaining zombies descend upon Dr. Christophe.

I liked this fantasy.  The island was atmospheric and, by Fantasy Island standards, the zombies were actually pretty effective.  The scene of them rising from their graves was surprisingly well-done and I also appreciated that Jared Martin totally embraced the melodrama in the role of Dr. Christophe.  This fantasy also featured a great moment where Roarke appeared on the Island to inform Erica that the zombies were coming and then he promptly vanished.  I love it when Roarke does that

(Of course, I don’t think that Erica was ever in any real danger.  I mean, this episode established that Roarke can conjure people out of thin air.  I’m sure he could have just snapped his fingers and made all the zombies vanish.  But, in typical Roarke fashion, he wanted Erica to learn a lesson.)

The orphan fantasy was annoying but I like zombies!  This was a good trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.27 “April in Boston/Saving Grace/Breaks of Life”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Charo’s back!

Episode 5.27 “April in Boston/Saving Grace/Breaks of Life”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 1st, 1982)

April Lopez (Charo) is back!  This time, she has given up show business and is now working as a Spanish tutor for stuffy private school headmaster Bradford York (David Hedison).  She is falling for Bradford but she knows that he would never accept her as an entertainer.  Or would he?  We’re about to find out because the entertainment that Julie booked, probably while in a cocaine-fueled haze, fails to show up.  Would April be willing to perform?

April sings “Let’s get physical, physical,” in the ship’s lounge but when Bradford stops by to get a drink, April covers her face with a mask.  “If I sang like that,” Bradford says, “I’d wear a mask too….”

And that really gets to the main problem with this story.  Bradford York is jerk!  Seriously, I know why some people find Charo to be annoying and I do think The Love Boat tended to overuse the character but she deserves a lot better than Bradford York!  Eventually, of course, Bradford leans that April is the singer and he tells her that he loves her in Spanish.  (He has to ask April how to say it first.)  So, I guess it’s a happy ending  but we all know that April’s going to be single again once the sixth season starts.

As for the other storylines, Gwen (Jayne Meadows) and George Finley (Gene Rayburn) are a divorced couple who end up in the ship’s infirmary together.  We’ve never seen the infirmary before and I assume we’ll never see it again.  The two of them fall in love all over again.  It tuns out Gwen was just faking her injury so she could be with George.  It seems like Doc Bricker should have noticed that.

Finally, Grace Bostwick (Jane Powell) is a widow who is prevented from jumping overboard by Gabriel (Hugh O’Brian).  Gabriel says he’s angel, sent from Heaven to help Grace move on from her grief.  It turns out that he’s not.  He’s just someone who knew Grace was suicidal and figured he would have to come up with something dramatic to keep her from plunging into the ocean.  Everyone on the boat acts as if this makes total sense.  Grace is very forgiving.  Never has one lie been responsible for so much love.

What a weird episode.  A man pretended to be an angel, Charo performed while wearing a mask, and the ship has an infirmary!  Weird as it was, the episode kept me entertained.  I’ve always liked Charo’s mix of sincerity and flamboyance.  That said, she deserves better than Bradford York.  The angel storyline was problematic for all sorts of reasons but at least Jane Powell and Hugh O’Brian gave good performances.  They almost sold it.  Almost.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.9 “Naughty Marietta/The Winning Ticket”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Tattoo’s rich!

Episode 6.9 “Naughty Marietta/The Winning Ticket”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired January 8th, 1983)

Let’s get the boring storyline out of the way first.

Overbearing Beatrice Solomon (Jayne Meadows) wants her daughter, Alison (Dorothy Hamill) to become an actress.  Beatrice’s husband (David Doyle) wishes that Beatrice would just back off.  Mr. Roarke sends Alison into the past, where Alison finds herself transformed into Marietta, the subject of the operetta Naughty Marietta.  Lorenzo Lamas plays Captain Richard Warrington, who is trying to track down a notorious pirate on behalf of the Governor of Louisiana (James Doohan).  There’s a lot of singing and the costumes are nice but it’s also kind of boring because ice skater Dorothy Hamill was a terrible actress and she has next to no chemistry with Lorenzo Lamas.  The fantasy ends with everyone brought back to the present, including Lamas who, it turns out, was actually just a guest having a fantasy of his own.  It’s nothing we haven’t seen before and I don’t want to talk to much about it because the other story is …. A TATTOO STORY!

After years of being the sidekick and Mr. Roarke’s enigmatic frenemy, Tattoo finally gets a story of his own.  When Margaret Stanton (Hope Lange) comes to the Island to award a check to an employee who won the Irish Sweepstakes, Roarke is saddened to inform her that the man, a groundskeeper named Ambrose, passed away shortly after winning.  Roarke assigns Tattoo to find out who Ambrose’s closest friend was on the Island.  Tattoo takes his job seriously.  Afterall, Tattoo was one of the few people who regularly checked on the curmudgeonly old man, always stopping by to talk and to make sure that he was feeling okay.  As a matter of fact, you could even say that Tattoo was a true friend to the old man.  In the end, he was truly the old man’s best friend….

OH MY GOD, TATTOO’S RICH!

After reading the deceased man’s diary, Roarke and Tattoo realize that Ambrose would have wanted Tattoo to have the money.  Tattoo now has a million dollars and Roarke decides that this means that Tattoo is now a guest at Fantasy Island.  Tattoo moves into the most spectacular guest bungalow.  Tattoo orders a fancy meal and leaves a huge tip.  Tattoo is having a wonderful time until Mr. Roarke informs him that guests are not allowed to live on the Island….

WAIT, WHAT!?

Okay, first off, it wasn’t Tattoo’s idea to be a guest.  It was Roarke’s idea.  Roarke also mentions that Tattoo is the one who came up with the idea of not allowing guests to live on the Island but, over the past few seasons, we’ve seen many guests decide to never leave the Island and Roarke has never had a problem with it!  Seriously, I thought Tattoo and Mr. Roarke were finally getting along.  Suddenly, it seems like Mr. Roarke has decided to kick him out.  “I will miss you,” Mr. Roarke says.  Well, then don’t make him leave!  Can’t Mr. Roarke do whatever he feels like doing?

Tattoo, for his part, says that he will miss being on the Island.  He’ll miss Mr. Roarke.  He’ll miss the rest of the staff.  He’ll miss everything.  Tattoo decides that rather than leave the Island, he’ll donate the money to build a retirement home in England.  And that’s nice and all but I still don’t understand why Tattoo would have had to leave in the first place.  Maybe Mr. Roarke just wanted to teach Tattoo about generosity but Tattoo is already extremely generous.

As the show ends, Mr. Roarke mentions that Tattoo still needs to pay for his stay in the bungalow and for all the food he ordered.  DON’T START, MR. ROARKE!

This was a weird episode but it was still nice to see Tattoo get his moment in the spotlight.  I still think he should have allowed to keep the money and stay on the Island.  I mean, seriously, this Island is full of eccentric rich people living in haunted mansions.  Why should Tattoo miss out on all the fun?

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

Let’s see what’s happening on Fantasy Island this week!

Episode 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 14th, 1981)

Hey, Tattoo is back!

Now, interestingly enough, Tattoo is in this episode but Julie only appears for a few seconds, just long enough to tell Roarke that she will be too busy babysitting to help out with any of the fantasies this week.  Considering that she’s screwed up almost everything she’s been entrusted with, I’m sure Roarke was relieved to hear this.  Still, you have to wonder if there was some rule that Julie and Tattoo couldn’t be equally featured in the same episode.

Tattoo is enthused about one of the fantasies this week.  Shy and nerdy Herbie Snyder (Paul Williams) wants to have a harem for the weekend so that he can build up his confidence.  Tattoo offers to accompany Herbie on his fantasy but Roarke says that won’t be necessary.  It turns out Herbie screwed up when he requested his fantasy and asked to be a part of a harem.

Soon, Herbie finds himself surrounded by a bunch of oily body builders as he becomes a member of an all-male harem that belongs to the Contessa (Jayne Meadows)!  Herbie is not comfortable being a sex toy but he is happy to meet and fall in love with Lisa (Pat Klous), the daughter of the Contessa.  Fortunately, it turns out that the Contessa has a fantasy of her own and that’s for Lisa (hey, great name!) to meet and fall in love with a good man.  Herbie and Lisa even get married on Fantasy Island!

This whole fantasy was silly, with Jayne Meadows devouring the scenery as only a veteran guest star can.  That said, Paul Williams and Pat Klous were a cute couple.

As for the other fantasy, Lauren Fandell (Joan Prather) wants to be the center of attention.  Roarke informs her that she’s a descendant of Druid queen.  It turns out that there’s some druids living on a nearby island!  Lauren heads over to Druid Island and is promptly proclaimed Queen of the Druids.  “Are you married? she is asked.  When she says she’s not, she is proclaimed the Virgin Queen.  Uhmmm, okay.  Maybe that’s a druid thing but that just seems like a huge assumption to me….

Unfortunately, being the Virgin Queen means that she’s due to be sacrificed to their God, the evil Pan.  Roarke shows up briefly and gives her a magic acorn necklace, which she does eventually use to distract Pan and escape with her new boyfriend, Paul (Dennis Cole).

(And yes, it does turn out that Paul was another guest whose fantasy was to study the druids.)

This was a good episode.  The fantasies were entertainingly silly and Tattoo was back.  We even got a little of the old Roarke/Tattoo banter, which used to be a highlight of the show.  This episode, with all of its silliness and melodrama, felt like what Fantasy Island was meant to be.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.24 “Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The week, the crew is surprisingly incompetent.

Episode 3.24 “Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on March 15th, 1980)

The members of the crew really disappointed me this week.

For instance, Gertrude (Jayne Meadows) and Milton Benson (James Gregory) are on the cruise.  Gertrude is friendly and tries to talk to everyone.  Whenever Milton sees any man talking to his wife, he flies into a jealous rage and threatens them.  The crew reacts to this not by telling Milton to calm down but instead, by hiding whenever they see Milton or Gertrude on the boat.  They’re terrified of Milton and yet, somehow, members of the crew keep ending up in the cabin with Gertrude.

Finally, at the end of the cruise, Milton shows up at the captain’s cabin and …. OH MY GOD, HE’S GOT A GUN!  Goper, Doc, Isaac, and Stubing all end up diving to the floor.  Milton explains that he acts jealous because he wants his wife to still feel as if she’s as desirable as the day they first met.  He also says that he’s giving the gun to Stubing as a gift to thank him for the enjoyable cruise.

Later, as she prepares to leave the ship, Gertrude tells Gopher and Isaac that she knows that Milton can be jealous so she specifically dresses as drably as possible so that he won’t have to worry about any other men hitting on her.  In the name of love, she tries to look ugly and he acts like a homicidal lunatic.  Well, whatever works for them!  They seemed to be happy together.  Still, it must be said that the crew could have handled the whole situation better.  Hiding in hallways and under desks is not what I expect from an experienced group of sailors.

Meanwhile, Julie’s friend, Carol Ketay (Shelley Hack), is on the cruise.  Carol is a nuclear physicist and a member of a think tank.  Julie is worried that men are intimidated by Carol being too smart.  Julie also mentions that she’s never had that problem.  Julie takes Carol aside and tell her that she needs to learn how to “talk dumb” if she wants to get a man.  After borrowing a dress from Julie, Carol goes out of her way to sound like an idiot and she immediately catches the attention of Chris (Kevin Tighe).  Chris and Carol have a great time on the ship but Carol is shocked to learn that Chris doesn’t want to date her on dry land because he thinks she’s too dumb.  Carol reveals that she’s actually a nuclear physicist and they leave the boat arm-in-arm.  Good for them!  Julie really gave terrible advice but then again, I think she just wanted her friend to get laid.  She wasn’t really that concerned with Carol getting a long-term relationship.

Finally, Vicki gets to do something this cruise.  She befriends Keith (Ronnie Scribner), the young son of Alice (Jennifer Darling) and Floyd Gaines (John Gabriel).  While exploring the ship, Vicki and Keith meet a young stowaway named Luis (Tony Ramirez).  Though Vicki is not enthused about hiding a stowaway from her father, she still takes a blood oath and promises to protect Luis.  (This would be ground for Vicki being fired if she was actually a paid member of the crew as opposed to just someone who pretends tp have a job.)  As for Keith, he steals $200 from his parents and gives it to Luis.  His parents freak out when they can’t find the money and they accuse the crew of robbing them!  (The crew can’t even handle a jealous husband.  How are they going to steal $200?)  While searching for the money, Gopher and Julie discover Luis.

So, I guess Luis is going into the juvenile justice system, right?  No, not on The Love Boat!  Keith’s parents allow Luis to have the money and Stubing and Vicki pay for Luis’s ticket so Luis is no longer a stowaway.  This storyline was okay.  All of the kids were natural actors so things never got overly cutesy.  That said, I can’t help that notice that a lot of people have stowed away on the ship over the years.  Captain Stubing might want to talk to his crew about that.

Next week …. an agent of Child Protective Services takes a cruise.  Look out, Vicki!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.12 “The Cheerleaders/Marooned”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

Let’s see what’s happening on the Island this week….

Episode 3.12 “The Cheerleaders/Marooned”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

I’m just going to be honest here.  This week’s episode of Fantasy Island is not a good one.  Neither one of the fantasies work.  In fact, they’re both really, really annoying.  Usually, this show does a fairly good job of balancing a fun fantasy with a serious fantasy.  This episode, though, both fantasies are meant to be humorous.  They’re not.  They are both rather shrill.

That said, this episode did feature the return of Roarke and Tattoo bantering before going to meet their guests.  When Roarke steps out of his office to meet the plane, he’s surprised to see that Tattoo is hiding in a red fire hydrant costume.  When Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing, Tattoo explains that he’s training to be a secret agent.  Roarke rolls his eyes so violently that I’m surprised he didn’t injure himself.  Later, Tattoo attempts to disguises himself as a bale of hay and ends up getting chased by an enraged bull that just happens to be wandering around the Island.  Roarke laughs and laughs because there’s nothing that makes him happier than the idea of his assistant suffering a terrible injury.  That said, though it was all a bit mean-spirted, it was nice to see the return of the banter.

As for the two fantasies …. God, I don’t even want to talk about them.

The marginally more interesting one featured Vic Tayback as a blue collar guy named Melvyn whose fantasy was to spend some time with his favorite movie star, a total diva named Liz Merrill (Jayne Meadows).  When Liz shows up on the Island, it turns out that her fantasy is for everyone to think that she’s lost at sea before she’s eventually found on a tropical island.  She’s told that Melvyn has been hired to row the boat taking her to the island.  Instead, Melvyn and Liz get lost and really do end up on a deserted island, where Liz eventually drops her arrogant attitude and Melvyn wins her love by barking orders at her.  The fact that this was the “better” fantasy should tell you just how bad the other fantasy was.

The other fantasy features Georgia Engel and Patty McCormack as Cathy and Marg, two roommates whose fantasy is to be cheerleaders for their favorite football team, the Titans.  Fortunately, the Titans training camp happens to be on Fantasy Island!  Marg has a crush on quarterback Roger Mosely (played by Dan Pastorini) but Roger is more interested in Cathy.  This leads to the two friends not being friends anymore but then Mr. Roarke tells them that there’s nothing more important than friendship.  It’s a nice message but it’s hard to believe either Georgia Engel or Patty McCormack as cheerleaders and Engel and Pastorini had absolutely zero chemistry.  The whole thing just felt too silly for its own good.

(I even forced Erin to watch this episode with me so that I could get her perspective as a former cheerleader.  She agreed with me.  As far as cheerleader stories go, this was no Bring It On.)

Sigh.  This week’s episode was not great.  Hopefully, next week’s will be better!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week is all about deception.

Episode 2.15 “Cowboy/Substitute Wife”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on January 20th, 1979)

Brian Kehoe (Hugh O’Brian) is from Texarkana.  In his youth, he was a rodeo rider but now he’s a broken-down old man who works as a rodeo clown.  He’s one of the best in the business and every rodeo rider on Fantasy Island swears that Brian has saved their lives multiple times.  (There’s a surprisingly large amount of rodeo people on Fantasy Island.)  However, Brian is deeply ashamed of just being a clown.  In fact, he’s spent his life telling his 11 year-old son, Tommy (Johnny Timko), that he’s the greatest rodeo champion of all time.

Brian’s fantasy is to be just that.  He’s spending the weekend with his son on Fantasy Island and he wants everyone to treat him like he’s a world famous rodeo star.  However, when he realizes that Tommy wants to see him in action, Brian realizes that he’s going to do have to ride a bull himself.  Unfortunately, Brian just can’t do it.  He’s old and out-of-practice.  So, he and his friends try to play a little trickery on Johnny.  Brian explains that he always wears a bandana over the lower half of his face whenever he rides.  When Tommy is cheering for his father, little does he realize he’s actually cheering for one of his father’s friends.  But when one the real riders is put in danger, Brian has no choice but to reveal the truth.  Of course, that was Mr. Roarke’s plan all along.

This was an okay fantasy.  I appreciated the fact that everyone pronounced rodeo correctly.  There weren’t any Yankees wandering around talking about the “roe-day-o.”  Hugh O’Brian did a good job of portraying the sadness beneath Brian’s confident façade.  And, when Tommy first learns that his father has been lying to him, he has a very honest reaction.  He is pissed off!  It takes Tommy a while to forgive his father.  This was a well-acted little fantasy, even if you never had any real doubt that things would eventually work out.

As for the other fantasy …. bleh.  Jayne Meadows Allen plays Nadine Winslow, a woman who suffers from hypochondria.  Her fantasy is to learn what’s wrong with her.  She’s examined by a Dr. Van Helsing (Hans Conried), who informs her that she only has a few weeks to live.  After Nadine leaves the exam room, we learn that Dr. Van Helsing is actually a waiter and it’s always been his fantasy to tell someone that they only have a few weeks to live.  Between this guy and that Nazi POW camp a few weeks ago, I’m starting to doubt Roarke’s instincts.

Nadine’s new fantasy is to find a new wife for her husband, Harvey (Peter Lawford, who appears to be slightly hung over in most of his scenes).  She settles on Monica (Sherry Jackson), whom Harvey meets during a bizarre Fantasy Island dating game that is hosted by a leering Mr. Roarke.  Monica and Harvey seem like a good couple but then Nadine spots her doctor working as a waiter and she realizes that she’s not dying.  So, she and Harvey get back together and, for some reason, they thank Mr. Roarke as opposed to suing him for emotional distress.  That whole fantasy was just dumb.

So, this was a pretty uneven episode.  I liked the rodeo stuff.  I disliked the death stuff.  That’s the way it usually goes.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Let’s set sail for adventure!

Episode 1.24 “This Business of Love / Crash Diet Crush / I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on May 13th, 1978)

This week’s episode of The Love Boat is all about dealing with the past.

For instance, Captain Stubing is shocked when his old high school girlfriend, Jocelyn (Jessica Walter), boards the boat.  He’s even more shocked when Jocelyn points out that he’s gained a bit of weight since high school.  I have to admit that I was also shocked that Jocelyn — or anyone for that matter — would react to seeing an old friend by immediately pointing that out.  Even worse, Jocelyn makes a joke about how one of their other friends no longer has his hair.  This, of course, leads to the Captain refusing to take off his hat and going on a crash diet in an effort to lose weight.  This makes the Captain cranky and his beleaguered staff finally rig his scale to make Stubing think that he’s lost more weight than he has.  This gives Stubing the courage to tell Jocelyn that he’s fallen in love with her.

I had two thoughts on this storyline.  First off, Jocelyn’s kind of a bitch and Captain Stubing, while being a bit of a handful himself, still deserves better than someone who greets him by informing him that he’s no longer as impressive as he was in high school.  Secondly, I didn’t really buy that Stubing would be that insecure in the first place.  He’s the captain of the ship!  He’s in charge!  That takes a certain amount of confidence.  In order to be a captain, you have to have the respect of your crew and it’s hard to imagine the crew respecting a captain who literally refuses to take off his hat because his high school girlfriend is on the cruise.

Meanwhile, Nate (Michael Callan) and Roberta (Annette Funicello) are both depressed because, over the past year, they’ve both lost their spouses.  They meet on the boat and it’s obvious to everyone that they’re meant to be together.  Isaac certainly sees it!  But both Nate and Roberta say that they’re through with love.  Fortunately, an obnoxiously happy couple (played by Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie) are also on the ship as a reminder that love can live forever.  This was a standard Love Boat storyline.  (Even though the show was still only in its first season, this was not the first time The Love Boat featured a depressed widow finding love on the cruise.)  But Funicello and Callen were both sympathetic in their roles and I was happy they found each other.

Finally, Jill (Caren Kaye) is a former high-priced escort who is setting sail for a new life.  On the Boat, she meets Bill (Christopher George) and they fall in love.  Jill doesn’t want Bill to find out about her past life.  Unfortunately, one of her former clients (Jack Carter) is also on the boat, traveling with his wife (Jayne Meadows).  Again, this was a standard Love Boat story but it worked largely due to the chemistry between Caren Kaye and Christopher George.

This was an okay episode.  The storylines were predictable and a bit forgettable but the guest stars brought a lot of charm to their roles.  It was an pleasant cruise.  I just hope Captain Stubing stops being so hard on himself!

Cleaning Out the DVR: Lady In The Lake (dir by Robert Montgomery)


(Lisa is once again in the process of cleaning out her DVR!  She recorded the 1947 film noir Lady In The Lake off of TCM on June 17th!)

You are Raymond Chandler’s world-famous private detective, Phillip Marlowe!

Well, no.  Actually, you aren’t.  Lady in the Lake is best-known for being one of the first (if not the first) film to be shot from the viewpoint of the main character but actually, the film goes out of its way to remind you that you’re seeing the story through Marlowe’s eyes but you’re not Marlowe yourself.  There are three scenes in which Marlowe (played by Robert Montgomery, who also directed the film) is seen sitting behind a desk and directly addressing the audience.  He shows up to fill in a few plot details and to assure the audience that, while the film they’re watching may be experimental, it’s not too experimental.  For his part, Montgomery looks and sounds absolutely miserable whenever he has to speak directly to the audience.  One gets the feeling that these scenes were forced on him by nervous studio execs, who were probably worried that the film would be too weird for mainstream audiences.

However, the rest of the film is seen totally through Marlowe’s eyes.  When Marlowe gets punched, we see the fist flying at him.  When Marlowe smokes a cigarette, we see the smoke float away from him.  When Marlowe leers at every single woman that he meets, the camera leers as well.  When Marlowe looks at himself in a mirror, we see his reflection.  When Marlowe passes out after a beating or a car accident, the image grows blurry before fading to black.  There’s even a rather clever scene when Marlowe leans in for a kiss, just to suddenly change his mind and pull back.

Today, of course, the film’s technique doesn’t seem quite as revolutionary.  We’re used to point of view shots and moving cameras.  Last year, Hardcore Henry told its entire stupid story through a point of view shot and the shaky cam effect actually made me physically ill.  In Lady in the Lake, there is no shaky, hand-held camera work and I was happy about that.  Marlowe may turn his head left and right and he may walk forward but he apparently has nerves of steel because the image stays steady and only shakes when Marlowe’s getting beat up.

As for the film’s plot, it opens with Marlowe explaining that, since he’s not making enough money as a P.I., he’s decided to try his hand at writing for a pulp magazine.  While his stories are not accepted, publishing executive Adrienne Fromsett (Audrey Totter) does hire him to track down the missing wife of her boss, Derace Kingbury (Leon Ames).  As Marlowe quickly figures out, nobody’s motives are exactly pure.  Adrienne wants to marry her boss and get her hands on his money.  The wife’s lover (Richard Simmons) claims that he hasn’t seen her in weeks but still lets slip that she may no longer be alive.  The police (represented by Lloyd Nolan and Tom Tully) are corrupt, rather rude, and may know more than they are letting on.  Even a seemingly innocent landlady (Jayne Meadows) might have a secret or two.

And, of course, there’s the dead woman who is discovered in a nearby lake.  Her identity holds the key to many mysteries…

It’s an intriguing puzzle and it actually helps to see everything through Marlowe’s eyes.  If nothing else, it cuts down on the red herrings.  If Marlowe stops to stare at something, you know exactly what he’s staring at and you can be sure that it will prove to be important at some point in the story.

By the way, did I mention that Lady In The Lake is not just an experimental film noir but a Christmas movie?  Seriously, it opens with holiday music playing in the background and the opening credits are printed on cheery Christmas cards.  It’s only after the credits are over that we see that there’s a gun underneath the cards.  As a director, Montgomery does a great job juxtaposing the cheeriness of Christmas with the sordidness of the people who Marlowe has to associate with on a daily basis.  He may be dealing with a bunch of murderers and greedy con artists but almost everyone has a Christmas tree in their apartment.

In fact, it’s so easy to get so wrapped up in the film’s technique that the viewer runs the risk of not noticing just how dark and cynical Lady in The Lake truly is.  Everyone that Marlowe meets is sleazy.  Marlowe, himself, does not come across as being particularly likable.  Every room that Marlowe enters is underlit.  Interestingly, with the exception of the opening credits and a driving montage, there’s not much music to be heard in the film, a reminder that we’re only hearing what Marlowe hears.  And, in Marlowe’s world, there’s no music playing in the background to provide relief from the tension.  There’s just a mix of lies and threats.

Lady in the Lake is an intriguing film and it shows up on TCM fairly frequently.  Keep an eye out for it.