It may be tempting to keep your demons but personally, I recommend going out to a field several states over, releasing them, and then running away as fast as you can. There are some thing that you just don’t need to keep with you.
Enjoy!
Tag Archives: Horrorthon
Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.16 “Zargtha”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, it’s werewolf time!
Episode 2.16 “Zargtha”
(Dir by Rick Jacobson, originally aired on April 5th, 1997)
The discovery of a murdered teenage runaway on the beach leads to Mitch investigating a series of killings involving homeless teens. The police think that the murders must be the result of a wild animal, a wolf of some sort. Daimont Teague shows up to tell Mitch that he thinks the killer is a Zargtha, a type of Eastern European werewolf that has found its way to California.
Mitch declares that he’s seen a lot of things over the past few months but there’s no way that he’s going to buy into the idea of a werewolf from Eastern Europe.
Okay, let’s consider this. Over the past few months, Mitch has
- encountered numerous sea monsters,
- been sucked into the past and hunted by an axe-wielding frontierman
- gone to the future and been hunted by cannibal mutants
- watched multiple animals explode after getting exposed to space dust
- watched two 900 year-old Vikings come back to life and pick up their blood feud right where they left off,
- discovered that the world is secretly controlled by the Knights Templar and,
- fought an actual vampire!
That’s just some of what Mitch has seen since the start of the second season of Baywatch Nights. And yet, after all that, a werewolf is just too out there!? I know that Mitch is supposed to be a skeptic and I respect that. I’m a skeptic myself. But there’s a point where skepticism becomes stupidity. I may not believe in vampires but that’s going to quickly change if I ever meet one.
After learning that there’s a group of homeless teenagers living in abandoned building, Mitch and the head of the local shelter, Cindy (Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff), try to find and warn them before the killer reaches them. Complicating this matter is that a recent earthquake is threatening to make the building come crashing down and also, the killer is already in the building. And yes, the killer is a werewolf from Eastern Europe.
This was actually a pretty good episode. Though the werewolf makeup wasn’t that great, the creature’s ferocious growls and the relentless way that it would attack still made it far more effective than the usual Baywatch Nights monster. As well, the abandoned building turned out to be a wonderfully atmospheric and creepy location. For once, all the Dutch angles felt appropriate. This episode played out like a nightmare and I imagine, back in 1997, it was probably quite scary to watch with the lights out and maybe a storm raging outside.
Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff was married to David Hasselhoff when this episode was filmed. That may explain why Ryan is barely in this episode and, for the first time in a long time, there’s no scenes of Ryan and Mitch flirting. Instead, Mitch spends this episode protecting Cindy and the kids. That’s kind of sweet. Good for the Hoff!
Here’s The Trailer For The Invisible Raptor
I have to be honest. I get the feeling that all of this film’s best moments were crammed into the trailer. The quotes insisting that this film is destined to be a “cult classic” also leave me feeling a bit skeptical. It’s very rare that any film described as being a future cult classic actually becomes one.
That said, the trailer does promise a mix of gore and comedy. If the filmmakers manage to maintain the right tone throughout the entire film, it seems like this could be fun. I do plan on watching The Invisible Raptor so I hope the film lives up to the hype of the trailer.
Here’s the trailer for The Invisible Raptor!
Two Scenes From Young Frankenstein (In Memory of Teri Garr)
Today, everyone was saddened to hear about the passing of actress Teri Garr. The veteran actress and dancer, who was best-known for her comedic performances but who also showed that she could handle drama, was 79 years old.
Since this is October, it seem fitting to share two scenes from 1974’s Young Frankenstein, featuring Teri Garr as Inga.
Bonus Horror On TV: The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t (dir by Bruce Bilson)
Oh no! Halloween might be canceled because people just aren’t scared of the old monsters! Dracula (Judd Hirsch) calls all of the classic creatures to a meeting in his castle (where they all happen to be freeloading) and give them an ultimatum. Be more scary! It turns out to be easier said than done.
This originally aired in 1979 but, for people of a certain age, it achieved a certain immortality thanks to regular airings on the Disney Channel. It’s a cute show. It might seem a little bit corny today but that’s a large part of its appeal. It’s a reminder of a more innocent time.
Warren the Werewolf, by the way, was named after Warren “Werewolves of London” Zevon.
Horror on TV: One Step Beyond 3.27 “The Confession” (dir by John Newland)
Tonight’s episode of One Step Beyond features the great Donald Pleasence, making it perfect viewing for the Halloween season!
Pleasence plays an attorney who prosecuted a man for a murder that he didn’t commit. Pleasence did so, even though a woman (Adrienne Corri) claiming to be the supposed victim of the crime came to him and said that she had not been murdered. Pleasence refused to believe her. Now, years later, his guilt is driving him mad while host John Newland looks on.
Can you prove it didn’t happen?
This episode originally aired on April 11th, 1961.
October Hacks: Wrong Turn (dir by Rob Schmidt)
Poor West Virginia!
Seriously, I’ve been to West Virginia. It’s a beautiful state and the majority of the people that I met while I was there were just lovely. And before anyone trots out all the usual stereotypes about rural communities, let me say that one of the nicest used book store that I’ve ever been to was in West Virginia. It’s a nice state, one that feels like a throwback to a less cynical universe. Even all of the bridges and the streets named after the loathsome Robert Byrd added to the lovely quaintness of the place.
And yet, when it comes to the entertainment industry, West Virginia is rarely portrayed in a positive light. The coastal elite has never had much use for West Virginia or the surrounding states and that’s something that comes out in the films and television shows that are made in New York and California. Whenever anyone says that they’re from West Virginia in a movie or a television show, you can be sure that they’re either going to be a meth cook or a villainous redneck. West Virginia is one of those regions that’s never given much respect in Hollywood and that’s a shame.
Take Wrong Turn, for instance. First released in 2003, the original Wrong Turn taught an entire generation that West Virginia was full of cannibals and blood farmers. If you’re going to go for a drive in the wilderness of West Virginia, this film tells us, keep an eye out for barb wire booby traps. If you’re going to hiking in the mountains, notify your next of kin because you probably won’t be coming back. Wrong Turn follows a group of friends as they are tracked by a family of cannibal hillbillies and the main message seems to be, “For the love of God, stay out of Appalachia!”
(When I first started writing for this blog, I caused a mini-controversy when I said that no one would pay good money to see a film called The Vermont Chainsaw Massacre. My point was that Texas has a reputation, albeit one that has more to do with fevered imaginings of out-of-staters than anything rooted in reality, that made it the only place where that film could really be effectively set. The same is true of Wrong Turn. It’s a story that people wouldn’t buy if it was happening anywhere other than in Appalachia. Nobody would care about cannibals living in Minnesota, for instance.)
West Virginia slander aside, the original Wrong Turn holds up well. It’s a slasher film from the era right before slasher films started taking themselves so seriously. It’s a throwback to the rural horror films of the 70s, with an attractive cast getting picked off in various gruesome ways. The cannibals are frightening and the victims are all likable without being so likable that you can’t handle seeing them killed off. Jeremy Sisto and Lindy Booth both bring some comic relief to the film before their characters are dispatched. Desmond Harrington is a sold-enough lead. When I first saw Wrong Turn, my main reaction was that Eliza Dushku kicked ass and that was still my reactions when I rewatched it. The film is bloody, shameless, and fully willing to give the audience what it wants without scolding them for it. In short, it’s a perfectly fun slasher film and, watching it, it’s hard not to miss the era before horror films started taking themselves so damn seriously.
Wrong Turn‘s a fun movie. But West Virginia is a lovely state and that should never be forgotten!
The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Don’t Look Away (dir by Michael Bafaro)
The main thing you need to know about 2023’s Don’t Look Away is that the killer looks like this.
Yes, the killer is a mannequin and a rather silly-looking one at that. Silly or not, the mannequin is undeniably creepy, as mannequins tend to be. The mannequin is apparently stalking a group of friends. Frankie (Kelly Bastard) is convinced that the mannequin is alive and possessed by some sort of supernatural power. Her friends disagree …. until they start dying, one-by-one.
Now, I should make clear that, for the majority of the film’s running time, we don’t actually see the mannequin kill anyone. At the most, we see the mannequin suddenly show up behind someone. He evens shows up in a swimming pool at one point. Occasionally, his facial expression seems to change but, for the most, he always has the same goofy smile painted on his face. The mannequin stalks one person-at-a-time and if you see him behind you and then look away, he’ll be closer the second time you look at him.
We do see the aftermath of meeting the mannequin. As silly as it may seem to get killed by a mannequin (and I mean, seriously, how do you handle that shame while waiting in Purgatory), Kelly’s friends are actually dying, though it appears that they could all just be having unfortunate accidents or committing suicide. Is it possible that the mannequin is just a mess delusion and that Kelly’s paranoia has poisoned the group? The thing is, though …. if you were going to imagine a scary mannequin trying to kill you, wouldn’t you actually visualize something a lot more scary than a naked, emasculated wooden man with a silly smile on his face?
Don’t Look Away doesn’t quite work. None of the friends really make a huge impression or even register as anything more than horror movie stereotypes. There’s a scene set in a disco that I appreciated but that’s just because I appreciated anything that’s set in a disco. Don’t Look Away suffers from a common affliction amongst horror films that were made after It Follows, in that the action moves way too slowly. When the film should be fast-paced and silly, it’s somber and strangely self-serious.
The film’s big star, of course, is that mannequin. Here’s another shot of him.
I mean, yeah, he’s creepy. The first few times that you see him, he’s legitimately scary. But then, after a while, he just become silly. There’s only so much you can do with a goofy-looking mannequin. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen some good killer mannequin films. Mannequins can definitely be scary and I wouldn’t want to get locked in a warehouse with them or anything like that. Mario Bava’s Lisa and the Devil makes wonderful use of the creepiness of mannequins. But the mannequin at the heart of Don’t Look Away becomes less creepy and more goofy every time that you see him. I’ll admit that I looked away a few times in an effort not to laugh.
Hmmm …. that may have been a mistake.
BloodRayne (2005, directed by Uwe Boll)
In 18th century Romania, Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is a vampire/human hybrid who is being forced to work in a freakshow by Leonid (Meat Loaf). After Rayne escapes, she meets a fortune teller (Geraldine Chaplin) who informs her that her father is the feared king of the vampires, Kagan (Ben Kingsley), and that he raped her mother. Rayne teams up with a group of vampire hunters (Matthew Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, and Michael Madsen) and sets out to destroy her father once and for all.
BloodRayne is perhaps not the worst film ever made about a vampire/human hybrid in Romania but it’s also nowhere near the best. Instead, it’s another one of Uwe Boll’s cheap-looking video game adaptations where a group of talented actors slum it as action stars. (Michael Pare, Udo Kier, and Billy Zane also appear in the movie.) The movie is full of bad wigs and big swords. Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez are neither convincing as Russians or people who lived in the 18th Century. Geraldine Chaplin tries to keep things interesting, Ben Kingsley doesn’t. Kristanna Loken is actually a good choice for Rayne, in that she’s hot and she’s convincing in the action scenes. This is an easy film to laugh at but it features enough blood and nudity to keep its target audience happy. Don’t try to follow the plot, though. You’ll get a headache.
While we were watching the movie last night, Lisa suggested that Ben Kingsley was using his Gandhi Oscar as a stake. Now that would have been something worth seeing!
Bonus Horror Song of the Day: Season of the Witch by Lana Del Rey
As I mentioned earlier, there have been many covers of Donovan’s Season of the Witch. This one is from Lana Del Rey.
Through the Shattered Lens 