Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.13 “King Arthur in Mr. Roarke’s Court/Shadow Games”

Posted on October 15, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, King Arthur comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 5.13 “King Arthur in Mr. Roarke’s Court/Shadow Games”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 23rd, 1982)

Yay! Tattoo is present in this episode!

Listen, there’s nothing wrong with Wendy Schaal and it’s not her fault that the character of Julie was seriously underdeveloped by the show’s writers. But I have to admit that I always cheer a little whenever an episode opens with Julie being sent to take care of something elsewhere on the Island. In this case, Julie is sent to find a home for five adorable kittens while Tattoo and Mr. Roarke deal with this episode’s guests.

Sara Jean Rawlins (Linda Blair) is a country music singer who comes to Fantasy Island with her manager, Sam (the always sinister Peter Mark Richman). Sara Jean wants to record her song Shadow Games and she wants her former collaborator and boyfriend, Billy, to play guitar on the track. The only problem is that Billy is believed to have died in a fiery car crash. Mr. Roarke says that Sara Jean’s fantasy can come true but only if she has total and complete faith. Plus, she needs to let guitarist Todd Porter (Don Most) play with her. “It is very important to the success of your fantasy,” Roarke tells her. Hmmm….I wonder why.

Hey, do you think that maybe Billy isn’t dead and instead, he’s disguised himself as Todd Porter? That would certainly explain why Todd’s guitar playing sounds just like Billy’s. And do you think it’s possible that Sam, who is played by an actor who was always cast as a villain no matter what, might turn out to be the story’s true villain?

This fantasy was predictable and Linda Blair overacted the whole “country” aspect of her character but I did like the Shadow Games song. And Mr. Roarke played the piano at one point! It’s always fun when Mr. Roarke shows off a new skill. (Apparently, Montalban himself was a very talented pianist.)

As for the other fantasy, Ralph Rodgers (Tom Smothers) wants to go to the past so he can meet King Arthur. He specifically says his fantasy is to “meet King Arthur.” Ralph is briefly sent back to Camelot but, just as abruptly, he returns to the present and he brings Arthur (played by Robert Mandan) with him! Roarke admits that something must have gone wrong with the time traveling spell but he also points out that Ralph wanted to “meet King Arthur” and now he’s met him.

Now, what do you picture when you think of King Arthur? Young? Handsome? Battle-weary? Romantic? British?

Here’s what Fantasy Island gives us.

Now, if you’ve ever seen any old sitcoms from the 70s and the 80s, you’ll probably recognize Robert Mandan. He was one of those actors who always seemed to play stuffy authority figures. He was always the overprotective father or the greedy businessman or the principal who wasn’t going to stand for any foolishness in his school. Robert Mandan was not a bad actor but he was also definitely not British. But you know what? Robert Mandan is so miscast as King Arthur that it actually becomes kind of charming.

King Arthur and Ralph wander around the Island while Roarke works on finding a way to send Arthur back to Camelot. Arthur gets harassed by a group of roughnecks who don’t seem like they really belong on the Island. (Maybe they work at that fishing village that showed up in one episode and was then never mentioned again.) Arthur also reveals that his wife, Gwynevere, had vanished. Ralph eventually goes off on his own and runs into a British woman who says her name is Gwen (Carol Lynley). She explains she came to the Island because her politician husband was too consumed with work. Hmmmmm….

The important thing is that

Arthur and Gwen are reunited
Arthur knights Ralph before he and Gwen return to Camelot and,
There’s a masquerade ball and Tattoo dressed up like a knight!

This was a silly but cute episode. Between Robert Mandan as King Arthur and Linda Blair singing country music, this episode was so weird that it was impossible not to enjoy it. I just hope Julie found a home for all those kittens.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

Posted on October 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode presents your erstwhile reviewer with a bit of an ethical quandary.

Episode 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

(Dir by Don Chaffey and Don Weis, originally aired on January 16th, 1982)

I don’t feel completely comfortable about reviewing this episode of Fantasy Island and I’ll tell you why.

Occasionally, Fantasy Island would broadcast an extra-long episode. These episodes would typically feature three fantasies as opposed to the usual two. Unfortunately, when these long episodes were syndicated, one of the fantasies would be edited out so the episode would fit into an hour-long slot. Usually, the editing was not particularly smooth, either. The end result would usually be an episode that seemed oddly paced and the performances of Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize would often seem uneven as well. As such, it’s neither easy nor particularly fair to review those edited episodes. When it comes to reviewing, I always want to see the complete episode.

And yet, now that the original Fantasy Island is no longer streaming anywhere (seriously, what the Hell, Tubi?), I’m stuck using the episodes that I have on my DVR. And that means reviewing the edited, syndicated versions of these episodes.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those edited episodes. The Valerie fantasy was removed for syndication. That’s a shame because Valerie featured the final televised performance of actor Christopher George, a charismatic B-movie veteran who is pretty popular around the Shattered Lens offices. It also featured Michelle Phillips, though apparently she did not return as the mermaid who she played earlier on the show. I’d love to review Valerie but I can’t. And that sucks,

As for the other two fantasies, one is basically a remake of the Lillian Russell fantasy, except this time Martha Harris (Phyllis Davis) goes into the past and finds herself transformed into her great-grandmother, Mata Hari. She gets to dance. She gets to spy. She gets thrown in prison and sentenced to death but, fortunately, her life is spared when the firing squad’s rifles are filled with blanks and she’s given a drug by one of the men who is in love with that makes her appear to be dead. This was a enjoyable fantasy, mostly because of the costumes and the melodrama.

The other fantasy features Bob Denver, coming to the Island for the second week in a row. This time, he’s a photographer who wants to take the type of pictures that the world’s greatest photographers couldn’t. Because of the awkward way the fantasy was stated, the photographer ends up with a camera that takes pictures of the future. At first, the photographer is really happy and uses his camera to commit a little insider trading. But then he takes a picture of a newspaper and sees a headline announcing his death in a fiery auto accident. Uh-oh!

Again, neither of the two fantasies is bad (though the second one does require a certain tolerance for Bob Denver that some people may not have) but it was hard for me to enjoy them knowing that I was missing out on a third fantasy. For that reason, I assigning this episode a grade of incomplete. If I ever get a chance to watch the complete episode, uncut, I’ll revisit this review but until then, I really can’t give an overall grade to this episode.

Finally, for those keeping track, both Julie and Tattoo join Roarke when it’s time to greet the guests. That’s only second time that’s happened this season.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s all about the power of imagination.

Episode 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 9th, 1982)

After being absent last week, Tattoo returns for this episode. That means that Julie, once again, is too busy on the other side of the Island to assist Mr. Roarke this week. The excuse that the show’s writer come up with to explain Julie’s absence is that she accidentally opened up a box of Fantasy Island butterflies that were meant to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. Now, Julie has to catch all of the butterflies. Good luck, Julie!

As for the fantasies, they both deal with imagination.

Clarissa Bevis (Britt Ekland) is a librarian who is single because she’s never met a real-life man who can compare to Heathcliffe from Clarissa’s favorite novel, Wuthering Heights. Clarissa wants to enter the world of the novel so that she can meet Heathcliffe and hopefully put her obsession with him behind her. Mr. Roarke grants her fantasy but warns her that she must not change the plot of the book in any way. That strikes me as an odd rule because it’s not as if Clarissa is traveling into the past. She’s entering her imagination so why would it matter if she decided to do what so many other readers have done and imagine a different ending to her favorite novel?

Clarissa finds herself approaching Wuthering Heights. Heathcliffe (Hugh O’Brian) sees her and declares that his beloved Catherine has come back to life. Meanwhile, Edgar Linton (Richard Anderson) believes that this proves Heathcliffe has gone mad and starts to plot to have Heathcliffe declared insane so that Edgar can claim Wuthering Heights and all of its farmland as his own. To be honest, if we’re in Clarissa’s imagination, I can only assume that she’s only seen a movie version of Wuthering Heights because neither Heathcliffe nor Edgar behave like their characters in the book (In particular, Edgar is portrayed as being a cartoonishly evil villain.) And, it should be noted, no mention is made of Cathy, Linton, Hindley, Isabella, Harleton, or any of the book’s other characters. How is Clarissa supposed to stay true to the plot of a book that she’s never read?

As for the other fantasy, Francis Elkins (Bob Denver) is a maker and dresser of mannequins, He’s fallen in love with one of his mannequins — “Hey, that’s not creepy at all,” I say while dramatically rolling my eyes — and his fantasy is for her to come to life. Roarke gives Francis a magical medallion thing that Francis uses to bring Courtney (Barbi Benton) to life, with the understanding that Courtney will only be human for two days. Eager to live as much life as possible, Courtney uses the medallion to bring to life three other mannequins to serve as the members of her squad. She also flirts with two salesmen (Larry Storch and Joey Forman) by telling them that’s she’s from Bloomingdale’s (“Oh yeah,” Storch says, “that town in Indiana,”) and that she’s only six years old. Fortunately, Francis’s love for Courtney is so strong that Courtney remains human even after the two days are up.

At the start of this fantasy, Roarke promises Tattoo that it will be the most delightful fantasy ever. Barbi Benton did a good job in the role of Courtney and she certainly showed more comedic timing here than she did during previous visits to the Island. But I don’t know …. the whole falling in love with a mannequin thing was a little too creepy to be delightful.

That said, this was an entertaining episode, even if neither fantasy really worked. Barbi Benton got to show off her comedic timing and the Wuthering Heights fantasy was enjoyably melodramatic, even if it got the book wrong and even though all-American Hugh O’Brian was not exactly the most convincing Heathcliffe. This was a nice enough trip to the Island.

I wonder if Julie ever found those butterflies.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.9 “Romance Times Three/The Night of the Tormented Soul”

Posted on September 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s time to visit the Island.

Episode 5.9 “Romance Times Three/The Night of the Tormented Soul”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week again finds Tattoo working as Roarke’s assistant, which again means that the episode opens with Julie explaining that she won’t be able to help out Roarke and Tattoo with any of the new people coming to the Island. What makes this week memorable as far as Julie excuses are concerned is that the reason Julie can’t help is because she’s been given a difficult task by Tattoo. A 300-pound woman has come to the Island with a fantasy of leading the Charge of the Light Brigade and Tattoo has told Julie to find a horse for her. Tattoo smirks as Julie tells Roarke. Roarke wishes Julie luck while declining to help her himself.

As for the fantasies, let’s get the boring one out of the way first. Sally Harris (Georgia Engel) works for a phone answering service. I had to look this up via Google but apparently a phone answering service was something that people and companies used in the days before texts, voice mail and email. Someone like Sally would answer the phone for you, collect your messages, and then call you later to give them to you. I guess it was something that companies did when they were too cheap to hire a receptionist or a personal assistant. I don’t know, it just seems strange to me.

Sally has fallen in love with three of her clients, though she hasn’t actually met any of them. Jack (Frank Bonner) is a bon vivant who calls her for love advice. Tony (Frank Converse) is a businessman who calls her for financial advice. Ben (David Groh) is a writer who often discusses his writer’s block with Sally. All three of the men have come to the Island. Sally fears how the men will react to discovering the real her so Mr. Roarke casts a spell and tells Sally that each men will see her the way that he thinks of her. Tony sees Sally as a prim and determined businesswoman. Jack sees her as a dark-haired seductress. And Ben sees her as a …. well, as a clown. He has always resented Sally’s advice. Of course, Ben is the one who ultimately falls in love with the real Sally.

It’s not a bad idea for a fantasy but it doesn’t really work because Georgia Engel isn’t convincing whenever she takes on any of Sally’s different personas. No matter what costume she’s wearing, she still delivers all of her lines in this high-pitched whisper that sometimes make it difficult to understand what she’s saying. (She’s not quite as inaudible here as she was in Jennifer Slept Here but still, I did struggle to hear everything she said.) The men are all thinly written, as well. I was glad she ended up with the writer but in the end, I really wouldn’t have cared that much if she had ended up with the businessman or the sex addict.

The better fantasy features Stephen Shortridge and Dianne Kay as Jason and Beth Martinique. When they were children, Beth and Jason survived a shipwreck and washed up on the shore of Fantasy Island. They were raised by a local millionaire, Richard Martinique (Richard Anderson) and their nanny, Blanche Barrens (Elinor Donahue). Both Richard and Ms. Barrens died one stormy night. Richard was shot and Ms. Barrens’s neck was broken in a fall. Jason and Beth want to go back to their childhood home so they can learn what happened that night. Fortunately, the ghosts of Richard and Ms. Barrens are still in the mansion, giving Jason and Beth a chance to see the tragic accident that led to the deaths of both Richard and Ms. Barrens. Even better, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo show up to inform Jason and Beth that they aren’t really brother-and-sister and therefore, they are free to pursue a romance. That’s good because, before Roarke showed up, Jason and Beth were gazing at each other like the brother and sister from the old Folger’s commercial. You know who I’m talking about.

I always enjoy it when Fantasy Island deals with ghosts and haunted mansions and this fantasy was filled with atmosphere and melodrama. The accident that led to death of Richard and Ms. Barrens was ludicrous and yet somehow poignant at the same time.

So, an overall mixed review on this episode but I think the ghost fantasy makes up for the other fantasy. Plus, Tattoo gets to show off his karate skills! Let’s see Julie do that!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Episode 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Tattoo is in this episode, which means that Julie only appears long enough to tell Mr. Roarke that she’s going to busy exploring the island with a bunch of hunky professors. (It says a lot about how poorly the Julie character has been developed that I couldn’t tell if Julie was supposed to be naive or clever when it came to going off with the men.)

At this point, it’s obvious that Julie was only added to the show to act as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set. Early on in the season, when Herve was apparently negotiating for a better contract, Julie had a few episodes where she was Roarke’s main assistant while Tattoo was described as being elsewhere on the island. But in the episodes where Tattoo is present, Julie always has to go do something else for the weekend. Ironically, Julie is such a bland and unnecessary character that it actually proves Herve Villechaize’s point about how important Tattoo was to the success of the show. By having Julie always leave whenever Tattoo is present, the show really only reminds the viewer that Roarke only needs on assistant and it’s Tattoo.

As for this week’s fantasies, they both have to do with the past.

Calvin Pearson (Claude Akin) has just spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit. He’s finally been released and, understandably, he really doesn’t want to have much to do with the rest of the world. When he was a child, he spent a summer on a nearby island with his father. His father was fisherman and Calvin claims that he once caught a fish that could sing. Calvin wants to spend the weekend on the Island and he wants to catch the same serenading fish.

Sound like a pretty simple fantasy, right? Well, Calvin is not happy to discover that the he’s not alone on “my island.” There’s now a trading post, run by Jake Dutton (Broderick Crawford) and his daughter, Mira (Pamela Susan Shoop). Even worse, there are some recently escaped convicts (led by Glenn Corbett) who want to kidnap Mira! At first, Calvin refuses to get involved. He just wants to fish. But, in the end, he finally does the right thing and saves the Duttons.

What about the “serenading fish?” Calvin may not have caught a fish but he did capture the heart of Mira, who hums a tune that she says she once heard out on the lagoon. Calvin leaves the Island alone but he tells Roarke that he plans to return so that he can work at the trading post with the Duttons.

This fantasy was a bit predictable and you really do have to wonder why Roarke insists on nearly getting his guests killed every week. It seems like that would lead to a lawsuit. But the fantasy does feature a good performance from Claude Akin as a man who manages to conquer his own bitterness.

As for the other fantasy, it features Phyllis Davis as a writer named Lilly Martin who wants to write a book about the singer Lillian Russell. Roarke sends her back to 1890s New York and literally transforms Lilly into Lillian Russell, complete with singing talent and two notorious suitors, “Diamond Jim” Brady (Gene Barry) and Peter Whiting (Craig Stevens). This fantasy was enjoyable eye candy, with Lilly getting to dress up as Lillian Russell and getting to wear all sorts of jewels. Unfortunately, it’s also a fantasy that ends with a poker game. I’ve never been able to follow poker and I always groan a little whenever the plot of a show hinges on the outcome. Whenever people start talking about “bluffing” and “royal flushes,” and all that, my eyes just glaze over and that was the case here.

That said, at least Mr. Roarke got to take part in Lilly’s fantasy, popping up not once but three times to see how everything was going! In fact, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo also popped up in Calvin’s fantasy. It’s always fun when Roarke drops in.

The poker game aside, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island. Season 5 has been a bit uneven but this was one of the better episodes.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.7 “The Perfect Husband/Volcano”

Posted on September 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yay! It’s finally time to return to the Island.

Episode 5.7 “The Perfect Husband/Volcano”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on November 21st, 1981)

This week, it’s Tattoo’s turn to serve as Roarke’s sidekick while Julie is sent off to deal with two weddings and a tour for “the seniors.”

On the one hand, it’s incredibly awkward for Roarke to have two sidekicks and it’s pretty obvious that Julie was only hired to serve as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set.

On the other hand, it is kind of nice to be reminded of the fact that there’s a lot happening on Fantasy Island. Fantasy Island is not just a mystical nation that is ruled over by the enigmatic Mr. Roarke. It’s also a resort that hosts vacations and retirement homes. Apparently, you don’t have to have a fantasy in order to spend some time on Fantasy Island. Instead, you can just come to Fantasy Island for a nice tropical vacation. That’s kind of nice.

But, that said, the fantasies are why we’re here. We’ve got two good ones this week.

Dorothy Nicholson (Susan Sullivan) is a newspaper publisher who has been feeling unfulfilled ever since her husband was killed by a drunk driver. She want to find the perfect husband, a man without any flaws whatsoever. After giving her his customary “You may not like what you find,” warning, Roarke sends her to Paradise Cove. Operated by the sinister Anton Jagger (Rossano Brazzi), Paradise Cover is a resort where wealthy women are assigned the perfect companion. Dorothy’s perfect man is Gilbert (Lyle Waggoner). Gilbert is handsome, suave, charming, and attentive. Unfortunately, like all of the perfect men at Paradise Cove, he’s also a robot and a part of Jagger’s scheme to cheat women out of their money! Dorothy figures out the truth after Gilbert doesn’t even flinch after his hand catches on fire. Can she defeat Jagger’s plans and rescue the real Gilbert?

(Of course, she can. It’s Fantasy Island!)

Dr. Hal Workman (George Maharis) thinks that he’s figured out a way to detect when a volcano is going to erupt. He wants to go to Fantasy Island’s own active volcano to test out his methods. Roarke agrees, even though he worries that Dr. Workman only cares about science and not about people. (Honestly, who cares? A volcano detection system sounds like it would be a good thing, regardless of the motives of the man who created it.) Workman is led to the volcano by a disillusioned former priest named Lauria (Richard Romanus). However, Workman and Lauria are not the only people at the volcano. There’s also a shady tycoon, Joseph Butler (Norman Alden), and his girlfriend, Terri (Misty Rowe). You can probably guess what happens. Workman falls in love with Terri. Lauria finds his faith. And Butler presumably dies when the volcano erupts and a deluge of what appears to be very thin tomato sauce comes pouring down the mountain.

Both of these fantasies were cheerfully ridiculous, which made them a lot of fun. You may wonder why Roarke would send one of his guests to a resort that’s being run by a madman and that’s a legitimate question. But the important thing is that the viewer gets a montage of all of the robots malfunctioning at once. And you may wonder at the wisdom of allowing someone to go to an active volcano but the important thing is that we get a scene of George Maharis and Richard Romanus running away from the least realistic lava flow ever caught on film. Fantasy Island is a lot of fun when it goes over the top and embraces its beautiful absurdity and that’s exactly what this episode did.

What a wonderful trip to the Island!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

Let’s see what’s happening on Fantasy Island this week!

Episode 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 14th, 1981)

Hey, Tattoo is back!

Now, interestingly enough, Tattoo is in this episode but Julie only appears for a few seconds, just long enough to tell Roarke that she will be too busy babysitting to help out with any of the fantasies this week. Considering that she’s screwed up almost everything she’s been entrusted with, I’m sure Roarke was relieved to hear this. Still, you have to wonder if there was some rule that Julie and Tattoo couldn’t be equally featured in the same episode.

Tattoo is enthused about one of the fantasies this week. Shy and nerdy Herbie Snyder (Paul Williams) wants to have a harem for the weekend so that he can build up his confidence. Tattoo offers to accompany Herbie on his fantasy but Roarke says that won’t be necessary. It turns out Herbie screwed up when he requested his fantasy and asked to be a part of a harem.

Soon, Herbie finds himself surrounded by a bunch of oily body builders as he becomes a member of an all-male harem that belongs to the Contessa (Jayne Meadows)! Herbie is not comfortable being a sex toy but he is happy to meet and fall in love with Lisa (Pat Klous), the daughter of the Contessa. Fortunately, it turns out that the Contessa has a fantasy of her own and that’s for Lisa (hey, great name!) to meet and fall in love with a good man. Herbie and Lisa even get married on Fantasy Island!

This whole fantasy was silly, with Jayne Meadows devouring the scenery as only a veteran guest star can. That said, Paul Williams and Pat Klous were a cute couple.

As for the other fantasy, Lauren Fandell (Joan Prather) wants to be the center of attention. Roarke informs her that she’s a descendant of Druid queen. It turns out that there’s some druids living on a nearby island! Lauren heads over to Druid Island and is promptly proclaimed Queen of the Druids. “Are you married? she is asked. When she says she’s not, she is proclaimed the Virgin Queen. Uhmmm, okay. Maybe that’s a druid thing but that just seems like a huge assumption to me….

Unfortunately, being the Virgin Queen means that she’s due to be sacrificed to their God, the evil Pan. Roarke shows up briefly and gives her a magic acorn necklace, which she does eventually use to distract Pan and escape with her new boyfriend, Paul (Dennis Cole).

(And yes, it does turn out that Paul was another guest whose fantasy was to study the druids.)

This was a good episode. The fantasies were entertainingly silly and Tattoo was back. We even got a little of the old Roarke/Tattoo banter, which used to be a highlight of the show. This episode, with all of its silliness and melodrama, felt like what Fantasy Island was meant to be.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.5 “Mr. Nobody/La Liberatora”

Posted on July 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

This week, Charo shows up but Tattoo doesn’t.

Episode 5.5 “Mr. Nobody/La Liberatora”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 7th, 1981)

Once again, we have an episode the features only stock footage of Tattoo shouting, “The plane, the plane!” Otherwise, Herve Villechaize is not in this episode.

What excuse does Mr. Roarke come up with this week to explain Tattoo’s absence?

He’s hung over.

Seriously, that’s what Mr. Roarke goes with! He explains to Julie that Tattoo was up very late, helping another guest celebrate a drunken fantasy. It must be said that Ricardo Montalban seems to be quite amused to be labeling his sidekick a drunk. Apparently, Herve Villechaize was holding out for more money when this episode was shot and I’m guessing Tattoo being hung over was a “take that” on the part of the show’s producers. To be honest, it feels a bit petty.

It falls to Julie to help Charles Atkins (Sherman Hemsley) fulfill his fantasy. Charles is a short man who has been picked on by bullies all his life. He wants to feel strong and confident. Julie gives him a potion that she thinks will give him “inner strength” but — whoops! — instead it turns Charles into the world’s strongest man. As Roarke admonishes Julie for not being specific when she ordered her potion, Charles embarks on a wrestling career. Can Charles defeat Sampson Smith (H.B. Haggerty), the most savage wrestler in the world? Or will he instead fall in love with Sampson’s publicist, Carrie Wilson (Vernee Watson) and realize that true strength comes from inside? We all know the answer. A more important question is whether Mr. Roarke will ever be foolish enough to let Julie handle a fantasy again?

This fantasy was nothing special. The comedy was a bit too broad, though I did like the heartfelt performances of both Sherman Hemsley and Vernee Watson. The main problem is that the whole thing hinged on Julie screwing up in a way that really didn’t make any sense. Surely, she would have been smart enough to make sure she had the right potion before giving it to Charles. I mean, not being careful with your potions sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. Surely, Mr. Roarke would have kept a closer eye on his goddaughter as she handled her first fantasy ever. Poor bumbling Julie doesn’t really work as a sidekick. The show suffers without Villechaize’s snarky attitude.

Villechaize’s absence means that we also miss the chance to see him acting opposite Charo and that just seems like a crime against pop culture. I have to admit that I was a little worried when I saw Charo’s name in the opening credits, largely because I thought she would be playing her silly Love Boat character. Instead, Charo plays a world-famous guitarist named Dolores DeMurica, whose fantasy is to go back to the days of Spanish California and meet her ancestor, the famous El Lobo Rojo. (El Lobo Rojo is basically Zorro but if Fantasy Island’s producers weren’t going to give Herve Villechaize a raise, they certainly weren’t going to pay for the rights to Zorro.)

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by Charo’s fantasy. There was a lot of swashbuckling action, Cesare Danova and Alex Cord both gave good supporting performances, and Charo seemed to be energized by playing a character who, while comedic, was not quite as silly as The Love Boat‘s April. Charo actually gave a pretty good performance here and the entire fantasy was fast-paced and fun to watch. It would have been even more fun if Tattoo had shown up but it was not to be.

This episode was a mixed bag, with one forgettable fantasy and one entertaining fantasy. In the end, both fantasies would have been better with Tattoo.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.4 “The Last Cowboy/The Lady and the Monster”

Posted on June 25, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

It’s time for another trip to the Island!

Episode 5.4 “The Last Cowboy/The Lady and the Monster”

(Dir by Don Chaffey, originally aired on October 31st, 1981)

For the second week in a row, Tattoo is notably absent in this episode. He is seen in the stock footage that opens each episode of Fantasy Island. Shortly afterwards, his pre-recorded voice is briefly heard when Mr. Roarke explains to Julie that Tattoo has been turned invisible so that he can help with the fantasy of another guest who is also invisible. Seriously, that’s the excuse that the show goes with. Tattoo is “there” but he can’t be seen. I can only imagine what was going on behind-the-scenes with Herve Villechaize. It’s easy to assume that Villechaize was holding out for more money but, to be honest, it’s almost too easy to assume that. It’s also possible that Villechaize may have just asked for some time off to pursue his career as a singer.

As for the fantasies, the better of the two featured Lynda Day George as scientist Carla Frankenstein, who comes to the island because she wants to clear her ancestor’s reputation for being mad. Fortunately, the castle of Baron Frankenstein just happens to be on the Island! In the castle, Carla finds evidence that, rather than trying to bring the dead back to life, the Baron was instead working on ways to extend the average lifespan. She also discovers that the Baron’s monster (played by veteran character actor William Smith) is still living in the castle!

The Monster is a dignified old soul who has been mistreated every time that he’s left the Castle. Carla befriends him but again, the Monster is forced to confront the pettiness of the outside world when a corporate spy (Ken Swofford) tries to take both Carla and Julie hostage. After Carla and Julia are rescued, the Monster retreats to the Castle but Carla promises that she will not only return to see him but that she will also continue her ancestor’s research. In fact, her company is going to build a lab on the Island and presumably employ the one or two Islanders who aren’t already employed by Mr. Roarke.

This was a Halloween episode so a Frankenstein fantasy feels appropriate. William Smith played the role of the Monster with a wounded dignity that was actually quite touching. His lonely existence was quite sad and I was actually glad when Roarke suggested that he and Julie would, from now on, be joining the Monster for dinner.

As for the other fantasy, Joe Campbell (Stuart Whitman) is yet another city slicker who wants to be a cowboy. Joe thinks that Roarke is going to send him to the old west, as he has done for so many other people with the exact same fantasy. Instead, Roarke gets all technical and says that Joe’s specific fantasy was to be a cowboy and not to travel to the old west. Joe finds himself working as a hired hand on a modern-day ranch. Once Joe stops whining (and it takes a while), he falls in love with widow Margaret Blair (Diane Baker), becomes a surrogate father to Jimmy Blair (Jimmy Baio), and he chasess off an evil biker (Robert Tessier). In the end, Joe asks for permission to remain at the ranch and Fantasy Island. Roarke agrees, probably so Joe can potentially replace Julie if she ever asks for a raise like Tattoo did.

This fantasy felt a bit too familiar. It’s always weird how Roarke will arbitrarily decide to be strict with some guests while letting others do whatever they want.

Anyway, here’s hoping Tattoo returns next week!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.3 “Cyrano/The Magician”

Posted on June 18, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

This week …. someone’s missing!

Episode 5.3 “Cyrano/The Magician”

(Dir by Dan Chaffey, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Hey, where’s Tattoo!?

Technically, Tattoo does appear in this episode but it’s only in the stock footage that appeared at the start of every episode. Tattoo rings the bell and announces, “Da plane …. da plane!” but that’s it. He does not meet Mr. Roarke outside of the bungalow. He is not present to greet the guests. He’s not present to say goodbye to the guests. Tattoo is nowhere to be seen and, somewhat disconcertingly, no mention is made of why he’s missing. Instead, Mr. Roarke and Julie handle the fantasies in this episode.

If I had to guess, I’d say that Herve Villechaize was having a salary dispute with the producers. It seems obvious that Julie was brought in as a way to tell Villechaize that he was replaceable. However, Tattoo’s absence is felt so strongly in this episode that it seems likely that all the producers did was prove Villechaize’s point about why he deserved more money. Wendy Schaal is a likable performer but she had close to no real chemistry with Ricardo Montalban and Julie was such a blandly-written character that there was no way she could replace the enigmatic and rather cynical Tattoo.

Sad to say, one of this episode’s fantasies feels as if it would have been perfect for Tattoo’s commentary. Marjorie Denton (Carol Lynley) is a bus driver who wants to go back to a time when men were at their most chivalrous. She finds herself back in 17th century France, a time when men were chivalrous but woman had absolutely no rights. At first, she is thrilled to be the subject of the attentions of both the handsome Gaston (Simon MacCorkindale) and the poetic Cyrano de Bergerac (John Saxon). She is less thrilled to catch the eye of the Marquis de Sade (Lloyd Bochner). It’s not a bad fantasy, though Cyrano and De Sade were not quite contemporaries. But it’s hard not to think about how Villechaize was always at his best when dealing with wounded romanticism. Since Cyrano himself turned out to be a guest having a fantasy, it’s hard not to regret that Tattoo was not around to encourage him.

As for the other fantasy, it’s one of those silly and kind of boring comedic fantasies that was obviously included for the kids. (“Mommy, who is the Marquis De Sade?”) Timothy Potter (Bart Braverman), no relation to Harry, is a bad magician who wants to be a great magician. Mr. Roarke gives him a collection of old spell books and an assistant named Suva (Judy Landers), whom Timothy proceeds to fall in love with. Unfortunately, Timothy doesn’t bother to study the books like Roarke told him to and he accidentally makes Suva disappear. In the end, though, Roarke assures Timothy that he just sent her to Cleveland, which just happens to be his hometown. There’s a chimpanzee in this fantasy and the chimp gives the most compelling performance. The only thing that could have saved this fantasy would have been some snarky Tattoo commentary.

Is it possible to have Fantasy Island without Tattoo? Based on this episode, the answer would be no. Let’s hope he returns next week.