6 Trailers That Will Not Be Broadcast On NBC This Week

Posted on July 30, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there! Welcome to the latest installment of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film trailers. Since I know everyone’s probably busy watching the Olympics (seriously, I try not think about all the pervs who are calling in to work so they can stay home and watch women’s indoor volleyball in private), I won’t waste much time with a long introduction. Instead, let’s get straight to the trailers…

1) Swimfan (2002)

I’m including this trailer for everyone who has ever wondered what Michael Phelps was doing between Beijing and London. I can still remember seeing this movie when I was 16 and, even then, getting annoyed with how stupid this film actually was.

2) Fatal Games (1984)

Speaking of the Olympics…

3) Death Spa (1988)

Let’s continue our theme of athletic mayhem with this trailer for Death Spa.

4) Dr. Who And The Daleks (1965)

I doubt this ever showed up at the grindhouses but no matter. With the Olympics taking place in London, everyone’s currently pretending to like all things British and that seems like as good an excuse as any to feature this trailer for Dr. Who And The Daleks. (I have to admit that I can count, on one hand, the number of times that I’ve actually been able to watch an entire episode of Dr. Who without either falling asleep or changing the channel.)

5) The New Gladiators (1985)

This look at the future of competitive sports comes to us courtesy of none other than Lucio Fulci! This trailer has a definite Hunger Games feel to it, no?

6) Perversion Story (1968)

Finally, what could be better than one Fulci trailer? How about two Fulci trailers? This trailer is for Lucio Fulci’s giallo Perversion Story, which was retitled One On Top of Another when it was released in the United States.

What do you think, trailer kitties?

Rom-Com Trailer Kitties

6 Trailers From 1985

Posted on July 23, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I’ve probably mentioned before, I’ve always been a secret history nerd. (Don’t ask me why it’s a secret. It just is.) As part of my secret obsession with history, I’ve recently decided that I want to become the world’s foremost authority on the year of my birth, 1985. I’ve spent most of today researching that year and, as a result, I’ve decided to dedicate this latest edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse And Exploitation Trailers to films that were released during the greatest year ever: 1985.

1) Rappin’

“You must see Rappin’ … this movie had to happen!”

2) Heavenly Bodies

“This is the shape of things to come…”

3) Def-Con 4

In this trailer, World War III breaks out and wow, does it ever look cheap.

4) The Oracle

This film was directed by the infamous Roberta Findlay. Even if that information wasn’t readily available via the Internet Movie Database, it’s kinda obvious from just watch the trailer, no?

5) Zombie Island Massacre

“Welcome to beautiful Zombie Island…” When you agree to vacation at a place called Zombie Island, I imagine you lose the right to ask for a refund…

6) The Mutilator

I imagine the people in this trailer ended up wishing they had vacationed at Zombie Island instead.

What do you think, trailer kitty?

6 Films That Are Not The Dark Knight Rises: The Girl From Naked Eye, Magic Mike, Rock of Ages, Ted, 21 Jump Street, and Underworld: Awakening

Posted on July 22, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Right now, everyone seems to be heading out to see The Dark Knight Rises for the first, second, or hundredth time. By my own personal count, the various writers here at The Shattered Lens have seen the film a combined total of 12 times since it opened on Friday. (Myself, I’ll be seeing it on Tuesday.)

But what if you don’t want to see The Dark Knight Rises this week? What if you just don’t want to deal with the big crowds? Maybe you want to wait a few months so that you can see it for a dollar. Or maybe, you showed up at the theater and discovered that the showing was sold out or perhaps you’re just not into the whole Batman thing. What then? Well, believe it or not, there are other movies out there and below, you can find 6 reviews of films that came out this year but are not The Dark Knight Rises. Some of them are worth seeing and some of them definitely are not. But all six of them are alternatives for those of you who want to see a movie but, for whatever reason, don’t want to see The Dark Knight Rises.

(Even better, they’re six films that I saw earlier this year but, until now, still hadn’t gotten around to reviewing.)

1) The Girl From Naked Eye (dir by David Ren)

Jake (Jason Yee) is the driver for a sleazy escort service that’s headquartered out of a strip club called Naked Face. Jake ends up falling in love with Sandy (Samantha Streets), an escort who writes poetry in her spare time. (Yes, one of those…) When Sandy is murdered, Jake goes on a violent search for her murderer.

The Girl From Naked Eye is a pretty uneven and rather predictable film but I actually enjoyed it. It’s obvious that director David Ren is a fan of the same old film noirs that I love and, at its best, Girl From Naked Eye is a loving tribute to those films. Streets is likable as the ill-fated Sandy and Gary Stretch brings some unexpected depth to his villainous role. Perhaps best of all, Girl From Naked Eye is only 80 minutes long. Sometimes, you just don’t need that extra 30 minutes to tell your story.

The Girl From Naked Eye is very much an independent film so it might be playing near you or it might not.

2) Magic Mike (dir. by Stephen Soderbergh)

After me and my BFF Evelyn saw Magic Mike, I hopped on twitter and I tweeted, “Memo to single guys. Go hang out around the theater when Magic Mike gets out. You will get laid!” Yes, Magic Mike is that type of film…

“Magic” Mike (played by Channing Tatum) is the most popular attraction at Xquisite, a male strip club that’s run by Dallas (a wonderfully sleazy performance from Matthew McConaughey). Mike ends up serving as a mentor for Adam (Alex Pettyfer) while pursuing Adam’s disapproving sister (Cody Horn) and saving up his money so that he can start his own business. However, the life proves a lot more difficult for him to leave then he originally thought…

There’s actually a lot of plot in Magic Mike but, ultimately, it doesn’t matter. The film knows that we’re all here to watch Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, and Joe Manganiello shake everything that they’ve got and the film does not disappoint. Director Steven Soderbergh’s directs in such a way that the film’s dance numbers are both exciting and, at the same time, distancing. By taking a rather documentary approach to otherwise salacious material, Soderbergh reminds us that, ultimately, Tatum is just doing a job and fulfilling the requirements of fantasy as opposed to reality.

When Christy Lemire of the Associates Press gave a less than positive review to The Dark Knight Rises, all of the fanboys on Rotten Tomatoes became obsessed with the fact that she had previously given a positive review to Magic Mike. Many of them left comments complaining that the only reason Lemire enjoyed Magic Mike was because it featured naked men. While all one has to do is read Lemire’s review to see that’s not the case, so what if it was? Films have been objectifying women for over a century. What’s wrong with a little fair play?

Magic Mike is still in theaters.

3) Rock of Ages (dir. by Adam Shankman)

In this adaptation of the hit Broadway show, Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) is an innocent girl from Oklahoma who dreams of finding super stardom in Los Angeles. She gets a job working as a waitress at an incredibly filthy-looking club run by Alec Baldwin and she also gets a boyfriend (played by Diego Boneta) who is an aspiring musician himself. Everything’s great except for the fact that the mayor’s puritanical wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones) hates rock and roll and wants to close the club down. Luckily, alcoholic rock star Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) is willing to help out. Did I mention that Russell Brand is in this film as well? Because, he like totally is…

Rock of Ages gives you a chance to watch your favorite actors and actresses shake it to some of the least danceable music ever written and it’s just about as bad you might expect. Between the vanilla performances of Hough and Boneta and the film’s rampant sexism (every female in the film is either a shrew or a whore and apparently, the only thing that can redeem them is allowing Tom Cruise to drunkenly cop a feel), Rock of Ages is a combination of the forgettable and stuff that you wish you could forget. For a director who specializes in musicals, Shankman seems strangely lost here and the majority of the big numbers feel lifeless. The one bright spot is Mary J. Blige who shows up in a minor role and quickly reminds everyone what singing is all about.

Rock of Ages opened with a lot of hype but that hype didn’t translate into box office success. You can probably still catch it at the dollar theater but you might want your money back afterward.

4) Ted (directed by Seth MacFarlane)

Ted tells the story of a lonely 8 year-old boy who, one night, wishes that his beloved teddy bear Ted might come to life. Well, Ted does come to life and ends up proving to the world that magic does exist. Briefly, Ted and his owner are celebrities but soon, Ted’s fame fades and, 28 years later, Ted (voiced by director Seth MacFarlane) and his owner (now played by Mark Wahlberg) are slackers who spend their time smoking weed, watching TV, and obsessing over pop culture. (At times, it almost felt as if the film was a documentary about life here at the TSL Bunker.) However, Wahlberg’s girlfriend (Mila Kunis) feels that Ted is holding him back and eventually, Wahlberg is forced to make a choice between childhood friendship and adult love.

I have to admit that I’m not a huge fan of Seth MacFarlane’s. I hate the Family Guy and I’ve never gotten through more than 2 minutes of The Cleveland Show. However, I also have to admit that I enjoyed Ted for what it was. It’s a massively uneven film that pretty much tells the same joke over and over again but that joke (i.e. a cute toy saying or doing something incredibly crude) turns out to be surprisingly resilient. For their part, Wahlberg and Kunis are a likable couple and Kunis does a good job generating some much-needed sympathy for her thinly drawn character. Add to that, Joel McHale is in this film and how can I not enjoy a film that features Joel McHale?

Ted is still playing at a theater near you.

5) 21 Jump Street (dir. by Phil Lord and Chris Miller)

Morton (Jonah Hill) and Greg (Channing Tatum) have been unlikely friends since high school. Greg was a jock and bully while Morton was a guy who looked and acted a lot like Jonah Hill. When Greg and Morton graduate high school, they both enter the police academy together and, upon getting out of the academy, they find themselves assigned to hazardous duty like patrolling the local park. However, it turns out that there’s a new designer drug out there and Hill and Tatum are both sent back to high school. Only now, they’re working under cover…

21 Jump Street was a real surprise when it came out earlier this year, a laugh-out-loud comedy that managed to both satirize and celebrate the conventions of the American cop film. Hill and Tatum had a lot of chemistry together and there was something oddly touching about watching Hill return to high school and discover that he was now considered the cool guy while Tatum was now the outsider. 21 Jump Street has kinda gotten forgotten in all the hype surrounding The Avengers and the Dark Knight Rises but ultimately, 21 Jump Street can stand with those two films as proof that occasionally a big-budget studio production can turn out to actually be a good film.

(Plus, James Franco’s look-alike brother, Dave Franco, is in it!)

21 Jump Street is available now on DVD and Blu-Ray but it’s also still playing at a few dollar theaters across the country.

6) Underworld: Awakening (dir by Mans Marlind and Bjorn Stein)

Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is back and this time, she’s searching for Michael, who has gone missing. The plot doesn’t make much sense and the film has one of the most disappointing endings ever but it does provide the viewers with everything that they’ve come to expect from an Underworld film (with the exception of Scott Speedman, who does not return to the role of Michael in this film).

Underworld: Awakening opened at the beginning of the year, got terrible reviews, and made a decent enough amount of money that there will probably be yet another installment in the series come 2014. That said, Underworld: Awakening is probably the most vapid of all of the Underworld films (and that’s saying something) and, following the releases of both The Avengers and the Dark Knight Rises, it looks like even more of an empty exercise in CGI and action than it did when it was originally released. That said, this film does star my girl crush, Kate Beckinsale, and, after watching her in this film, I spent a few hours looking for monsters to fight. I will always recommend any film that features a women kicking ass and that’s about the only reason I have to recommend Underworld: Awakening.

Underworld: Awakening is currently available on both DVD and Blu-Ray.

6 Trailers Of Steel, Lace, and Grindhouse

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers is dedicated to the memory of Sage Stallone, the founder of Grindhouse Releasing. When Sage Stallone passed away last week, most news reports concentrated on the fact that he was the son of Sylvester Stallone. However, even more importantly, Sage Stallone was responsible for helping to introduce people like me to the old grindhouse classics that would have otherwise faded into obscurity.

1) I Drink Your Blood (1970)

I know I’ve shared this trailer before but, with the news of Stallone’s passing, I felt it was only appropriate to share it again. I Drink Your Blood is perhaps the best film ever released by Grindhouse Releasing.

2) Cat In The Brain (1990)

This trailer is kinda disgusting but, at the same time, cats are just soooooooo cute, no matter what they’re doing! This film was directed by (and stars) Lucio Fulci.

3) The Swimmer (1968)

I was actually surprised to discover that this film was released by Grindhouse Releasing because it doesn’t really strike me as being a grindhouse film. That said, I haven’t seen the actual film. I’m just read the John Cheever story that inspired it and I’ve seen the trailer, which I like a lot. And so, here we go.

4) Weapons of Death (1976)

This crime film was directed by the underrated Italian filmmaker, Mario Caiano. Franco Nero is not in it but he really should have been.

5) Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Does John Stamos have a reality show yet? I thought I read somewhere that he did.

6) Steel and Lace (1991)

There’s a lot of mullets in this trailer.

What do you think, trailer kitty?

Harry, The Trailer Kitty

6 Trailers: The Return of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse And Exploitation Film Trailers

Posted on July 7, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there! As some of you may have noticed, I took a week off from my favorite feature, Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers. I did this in observance of the 4th of July but now that the USA has celebrated yet another birthday, it’s time to get back to the things that really matter!

Our latest installment features Wings Hauser, a psychotic housekeeper, rabid grannies, and even a little dancing. Enjoy!

1) Nightmare At Noon (1988)

This almost ludicrously violent trailer has a slight Crazies feel to it, no?

2) Deadly Force (1983)

After that last trailer, I’m in the mood for some more Wings Hauser. Here he is in yet another violent trailer, this one for Deadly Force. I want to see this film just to find out what type of person keeps a bathtub and a grand piano in the same room.

3) The Housekeeper (1986)

She cooks. She cleans. She kills. And really, judging from the trailer, who can blame her?

4) The Ghost Dance (1980)

When you disturb the dead, you might pay the price. Like the best movies, this trailer comes with a message.

5) Rooftops (1989)

I like this one because it features dancing and … well, that’s about it.

6) Rabid Grannies (1989)

AGCK!

What do you think, Trailer Kitty?

Doc, the trailer kitty

Lisa Marie’s Grindhouse Trailers: The Supersized Richard Lynch Edition!

Posted on June 25, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On June 20th, it was announced that the body of veteran character actor Richard Lynch had been found at his home. Richard Lynch was never a household name but, if you’re a fan of exploitation and grindhouse cinema, you’ve probably seen him at least a few times. He was the tall, blonde actor with the scarred face who was alway either killing people or having them killed. Richard Lynch was one of those actors who, as soon as he showed up on-screen, you knew he was the bad guy.

As an actor, Lynch always brought something special to even the simplest of his roles. He was always the villain who you knew would probably easily kill the hero if the two of them ever met in the real world. He was so good at being bad that you often couldn’t help but root for him.

I first became aware of Richard Lynch when I bought a movie called Premonition on DVD. This atmospheric 1976 film featured Richard Lynch in the role of a villainous yet oddly sympathetic carnival clown-turned-kidnapper. When Lynch was on-screen, I literally could not look away. Even better, the DVD included an interview with the now white-haired Richard Lynch in which he discussed his career. Imagine my surprise to discover that this rather creepy and scary-looking actor was actually a very articulate and witty man.

A few days after I saw Premonition, I watched another 1976 film on DVD. This one was Larry Cohen’s Gold Told Me To and, to my surprise, it also featured Richard Lynch. This time, he was cast as an alien messiah who inspired all sorts of mayhem in New York City. From that moment on, Richard Lynch was one of my favorite of the old exploitation actors.

After Richard Lynch’s body was found, there were several news stories that mentioned his passing. Almost all of those stories repeated the story that Lynch’s distinctive facial scars were the result of him setting himself on fire as the result of bad LSD trip in 1967. A few mentioned that he was a longtime friend of Al Pacino’s. Most of them took a rather dismissive attitude towards the majority of Lynch’s films.

Over at the A.V. Club, a respectful article was posted and it was quickly followed by a bunch of snarky comments from the usual gang of toadsuckers, the majority of whom didn’t seem to know who Richard Lynch was (presumably because he never guest starred on Arrested Development).

In fact, it seemed like the only place that Richard Lynch got the proper amount of respect was on twitter. And that’s a shame because an actor like Richard Lynch deserved a lot more.

The sad thing is that actors like Richard Lynch are rarely appreciated because elitist (and wannabe elitist) filmgoers and critics are rarely willing to admit that it does take a certain amount of talent to be an effective and memorable villain. As an actor, Richard Lynch appeared in some good films and he also appeared in a lot of very bad films but he always gave a good performance. Unlike so many other actors, he never used subpar material as an excuse to give a subpar performance. Regardless of the films he found himself in, he always gave it his best and that’s why this super-sized edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers is dedicated to Richard Lynch.

1) God Told Me To (1976)

Arguably, this film from director Larry Cohen was the best movie that Richard Lynch ever appeared in. Though he doesn’t get a lot of screen time in either the film or the trailer, he easily dominates both, if just for the fact that Lynch plays the God of the title.

2) Deathsport (1978)

Richard Lynch vs. David Carradine.

3) The Sword and The Sorcerer (1982)

Though I haven’t seen it, this film is a favorite of many of my fellow contributors here at the Shattered Lens.

4) Cut and Run (1985)

This film was directed by Ruggero Deodato and apparently, it gained a certain amount of fame after it was banned in several countries. I’ve seen it on DVD and all I can say is that this is one of the most misleading trailers ever made. However, this film also features one of Richard Lynch’s most intimidating performances.

5) Savage Dawn (1985)

For some reason, I doubt that the character being played by Richard Lynch is a real priest.

6) Invasion USA (1985)

Judging from the response to Richard Lynch’s death on twitter, this Chuck Norris movie might be the film that he’s best known for.

7) The Barbarians (1987)

This film, which appears to feature Richard Lynch in full villain mode, was also directed by Ruggero Deodato.

8) Bad Dreams (1988)

Richard Lynch is all sorts of creepy in this trailer. Knowing about his own true life story makes this trailer all the more odd to watch.

9) Trancers 2 (1992)

Helen Hunt’s in this?

10) Werewolf (1996)

This one looks like fun, to be honest.

11) Wedding Slashers (2006)

“Til death do us part…”

12) Mil Mascaras Vs. The Aztec Mummy (2006)

Finally, let’s finish things up with the trailer for this Mexican film in which Richard Lynch was cast as the President of the United States.

Richard Lynch, R.I.P.

“What’s Wrong?” He asked. “I’m late,” I replied as we watched 6 more trailers…

Posted on June 18, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there!

Yes, I’m late. Usually, whenever I utter those words, I’m greeted with a look of terror. But, luckily, this time I’m just running a day late with the latest edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers.

Saturday was our big sister’s birthday so me and Dazzling Erin spent almost the entire weekend hanging out in a strange city called Ft. Worth. Erin even sang the longest karaoke version of American Pie ever! (And she sang it beautifully, by the way!) It was good fun but unfortunately, I couldn’t put a trailer post together while singing and drinking. However, we are back home and, without further ado, here’s 6 more trailers!

1) The Stepfather (1987)

Almost in time for Father’s Day, here’s the original Stepfather, starring a pre-Lost Terry O’Quinn.

2) The Stepfather Part II (1989)

You can’t keep a good stepfather down…

3) The Stepfather Part III (1992)

Wait — that’s not Terry O’Quinn!

4) Double Agent 73 (1974)

This film was directed by the famous Doris Wishman. “Watch out for her booby traps…”

5) The Ghastly Ones (1968)

Speaking of famous and notorious directors, this trailer is for a film directed by Andy Milligan.

6) The Rats Are Coming, The Werewolves Are Here! (1972)

Actually, I think I’ll close this entry with yet another Milligan film. He’s been underrepresented in my trailer posts so far and that’s a shame because if any director screams “grindhouse,” it’s Andy Milligan.

Where has Lisa Marie Been? She’s Been Gathering 6 More Trailers!

Posted on June 9, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi!

I guess the first question I should ask is “Did anyone miss me?”

It’s been a week since I last posted anything and when’s the last time that happened? Seriously, even when I went up to Baltimore last year, I still managed to put up three posts a day. The only excuse I can give is that it’s just been a very busy week and I hope that y’all can forgive me and give me a second chance. And hey — what about the great job that all of our contributors did keeping the site updated while I was on my unscheduled vacation for blogging last week? That’s why I love this site. Other sites gives you only one voice and only one view. Through the Shattered Lens, however, celebrates the fact that everyone views things through his or her own individual lens.

Anyway, now that I’m back and running totally behind, I probably better get started on making up for missing last week. So, let’s start with the latest edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film Trailers?

1) Dark Universe (1993)

From director Fred Olen Ray comes this film that was apparently the inspiration for Prometheus. I love how low-budget movies about spaceships and airplanes always feature some heavy-set guy going, “You are coming in too fast!”

2) House of the Devil (2009)

I’m cheating a little because this film was released just a few years ago and therefore, it’s not technically a grindhouse film. However, it’s a film that was definitely inspired by the great low-budget horror films of the past. And, yes, that is Greta Gerwig, who is like in every other worthwhile film scheduled to be released this year and who will win an Oscar in the next five years.

3) House of Wax (1953)

My sister included this film’s poster in her last artist’s profile so it seems only appropriate that I include its trailer her. I love how bombastic these old horror trailers used to get. “YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT IT!”

4) A Fistful of Dynamite (1971)

This film is better known by the title Duck, You Sucker. Though he’s not seen in the trailer, this film also features future Fulci leading man David Warbeck.

5) Twice Dead (1988)

“It’s a dream house … for nightmares!”

6) Amityville 2: The Possession (1982)

This film is part of a grand tradition of cheap Italian sequels to hit American films. I actually own this one on DVD and I had to stop watching after about an 1 hour because it was just too disturbing. Considering some of the films that I’ve sat all the way through (and if you think that I’m referring to Cannibal Ferox and Cannibal Holocaust, you might be right), that’s saying something.

Oh my God! 6 More Chilling Classics: The Cold, Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon, The Legend of Big Foot, Oasis of the Zombies, Slashed Dreams, and Track of the Moon Beast

Posted on May 26, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s a lonely Saturday here at the TSL Bunker. Leonard Wilson is at a theater in the city, watching Chernobyl Diaries. My sister, the Dazzling Erin, has abandoned me to go shopping for ingredients so she can make something later tonight for our family’s annual memorial day get together tomorrow and our cat, Doc, is too busy sleeping at the foot of my bed to pay much attention to me Probably even as I sit here typing this, Leon the Duke is watching season 3 of Lost and how I envy him! The Trash Film Guru has escaped to the grindhouse. Necromoonyeti is discovering new music, Pantsukudasai is undoubtedly meeting with his enigmatic anime connection, Semtex Skittle is playing Diablo Something-Or-Another, and SenorGeekus is off spreading the gospel of Jack Kirby. Even Arleigh is off somewhere else, watching a war movie no doubt.

Yes, I’ve been left here alone in my section of the Bunker, which I’ve decorated by utilizing a combination of Catholic iconography, Hello Kitty, and pink wallpaper. I should be working on getting caught up because I am running behind on meeting my quota for the month. However, instead of writing about what’s currently playing in a theater near you, I find myself once again distracted by my continuing mission to watch and review every single film included in Mill Creek’s 50 Chilling Classics Boxset. Fortunately, I’m happiest when I have a mission. Here are reviews of 6 more of the Chilling Classics that I’ve sat through.

The Cold (dir by Bill Rebane)

First released in 1984, The Cold is yet another odd little morality tale from Wisconsin-based filmmaker Bill Rebane. Three mysterious millionaires invite nine people (and just try to keep them all straight) to a secluded mansion that looks suspiciously like an EconoLodge. The nine guests are informed that if they spend a few nights at the “mansion” and face their greatest fears, they’ll win a million dollars. Of course, everyone agrees to do that but how could they have imagined that their fears would include a giant spider that shows up in soup bowl, a shark that shows up in a swimming pool (Agck! That would be my fear right there), rats, and people who wander around hallways while wearing white sheets. Of course, it all ends with a twist that you’ve already guessed and then the film introduces another twist that you’ve already guessed.

This is the third Rebane film that I’ve come across in the Chilling Classic Boxset (the previous two being The Alpha Incident and The Demons of Ludlow). Rebane is one of those odd directors whose uneven films are genuinely inept and yet occasionally show a flash of equally genuine imagination. The Cold is a complete and total mess that features bad acting (after 5 minutes, I’d had enough of the slow-witted girl with the bad Southern accent), bad dialogue (“You can’t come in here. I’m nude.” “Don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy”), and a truly incoherent style of editing. Rebane punctuates the action by including random snatches of old timey music and boy did that get irritating fast. And yet, once you start watching, it’s impossible to look away. You simply have to watch to convince yourself that what you’re seeing isn’t just a dream. Plus, the film includes not only an endless disco sequence but a narrator who admits that he can’t really follow the story either.

Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon (dir by Juan Lopez Moctezuma)

This Mexican film from 1972 is based on an Edgar Allan Poe short story and, despite the poor picture quality that we’ve come to expect from anything put out by Mill Creek, it is one of the most visually interesting films to be found in the Chilling Classics boxset. A newspaper reporter visits a sanitarium in order to investigate the revolutionary form of therapy practiced by Dr. Maillard (Claudio Brook). As Maillard explains (and sh0ws), the inmates are essentially allowed to roam freely through the asylum and live under whatever delusions make them happiest. However, it quickly becomes obvious that Dr. Maillard is insane himself and his asylum is part of a bigger plot to rule the world. The plot makes little sense and it quickly becomes pretty clear that it’s not meant too. Director Juan Louis Moctezuma was a collaborator of the famed surrealist Alejandro Jadorowsky and it quickly becomes obvious that he’s more interested in putting as many odd and surreal images on-screen as possible and, on that level, he succeeds. For whatever the film’s narrative failings, it’s fascinating to just sit and look at some of the images that appear on-screen. Claudio Brook gives a wonderfully over-the-top performance that perfectly compliments the film’s visuals.

The Legend of Big Foot (dir by Harry Winer)

In this documentary from 1976, a wildlife expert named Ivan Marx rambles on and on about Big Foot while unrelated stock footage plays out on-screen. It’s just as exciting as it sounds. Seriously, I try to make it a point to stick with any film I start watching, no matter how boring it may turn out to be, but the Legend of Big Foot severely tested my patience. Some of the animals in the stock footage are cute, though. Regardless of what he may be discussing at any particular moment during the film, Marx delivers his narration in the most dramatic way possible and that provides a few laughs as well.

Oasis of the Zombies (dir. by Jess Franco)

In this 1981 Eurocine film, a group of unlikable people come across a lost Nazi treasure in the middle of the African desert. Unfortunately for them, the Nazis are still there, standing guard. Of course, the Nazis have now all been transformed into zombies! As far as Nazi zombie films are concerned, Oasis of the Zombies isn’t as scary as Shock Waves and it’s not as much fun as Zombie Lake. What it is, however, is a Jess Franco film which means that the film features actors in tacky outfits, poorly dubbed dialogue, a zoom lens that just won’t quit, and a few oddly surreal (and occasionally nightmarish) visuals. This is really a pretty shoddy film but it’s enjoyable if you’re a fan of Franco’s “unique” style of filmmaking.

Slashed Dreams (dir. by James Polaskof)

This film was originally released in 1974, under the title Sunburst. It was obviously not meant to be a horror film (though it was clearly meant to appeal to the exploitation market) but instead, it was a painfully sincere, annoyingly naive, and, ultimately, rather offensive attempt to make an important statement about the need to drop out of society and “do your own thing.” However, Robert Englund shows up for the film’s final 10 minutes so, at some point in the 80s, Sunburst was re-released, retitled, and resold as a horror film.

Anyway, this 74 minute film is about two perky and attractive college students (Peter Hooten and Katharine Baumann, both of whom give good performances) who decided to go visit their first Michael who has dropped out of society and is currently living in a cabin out in the middle of the woods. The majority of the film is an endless montage of scenes of Hooten and Baumann hiking through the wilderness while a singer named Roberta Van Dere warbles away on the soundtrack, singing some of the most annoyingly 70s folk songs ever written. I’m sad to say that I got one of them, Animals Are Clumsy Too, stuck in my head. Once they finally reach the cabin, they discover that Michael is off wandering about. They decide to wait around for Michael to show up which leads to them being spotted by two inbred hicks who proceed to rape Baumann before running off. The next morning, Michael shows up and hey, he’s Robert Englund! Michael hears what has happened and, instead of going to the police or, at the very least, getting Baumann to a hospital, he tells her that she just needs to “push the demons out” and get on with living. Which, by the way, is complete bullshit. It’s one thing to discover strength you previously didn’t realize you had as the result of something terrible, it’s another thing to seriously expect a woman to shrug it off after a day or two or to consider rape to be a character-building exercise as this film seems to. Say what you will about I Spit On Your Grave, at least that film understood that rape is an unforgivable violation and more than just a bad thing that might happen in the woods. I swear, just when I think that I can’t hate the late 60s and early 70s anymore than I already do, I see a film like this.

Track of the Moon Beast (dir. by Dick Ashe)

When it comes to bad movies from the 70s, I prefer the likes of 1976’s Track of the Moonbeast to Sunburst/Slashed Dreams. This films takes place in New Mexico and tells the story of Paul (Chase Cordel), a slow-talking mineralogist who gets a chunk of moon rock lodged into his brain. As a result, he turns into a gigantic lizard and goes around killing people. His only hope appears to be his old friend, the stoic Profession Johnny Longbow (Gregorio Sala) who knows all sorts of indian lore. He also knows how to make stew and early on in the film, he gives a world-weary monologue about what ingredients he puts in his stew. (Onions, mostly). Anyway, this is an awful, awful film that’s full of bad acting, bad special effects, and dumb dialogue. It’s also a lot of fun and it features the guy pictured below singing a song called California Lady that got stuck in my head almost as quickly as Animals Are Clumsy Too. I loved Track of the Moon Beast.

So, out of these six, I would definitely recommend Track of the Moon Beast and Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon. The Cold and Oasis of the Zombies should be watched only by people who are already familiar with the work of Bill Rebane and Jess Franco. Legend of Big Foot might be amusing if you’re intoxicated and Slashed Dreams is the one to definitely avoid.

6 Trailers For A Happy Memorial Day Weekend

Posted on May 26, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there!

To all of our readers in the USA, Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

To all of our readers elsewhere in the world, happy weekend!

Suddenly, after typing that, I realize that — with typical American arrogance — I have just assigned the majority of the world to elsewhere. Agck! Those obnoxious (but cute) German Marxists that I got into all those arguments with when I went to Italy were right!

But you know what? A weekend like this is a good time to acknowledge that film is an international art form. Today’s edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation trailers features an early test run for Captain America, two films from Italy, and two films starring one of my international stars, the late David Warbeck. (Did you know that Warbeck came close to being cast in the role of James Bond? Daniel Craig could learn a lot from watching a few Warbeck films.)

Enjoy!

1) Captain America (1990)

What better way to start off this memorial day edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film trailer than by featuring the trailer for Captain America? No, this is not the trailer for the film that we all went and saw last year. This, apparently, was that film’s low-budget ancestor. In this version, Capt. America is played by Matt Salinger, the son of writer J.D. Salinger.

2) The Last Hunter (1981)

This Viet Nam War film from Antonio Margheriti is surprisingly good and features an excellent lead performance from one of my favorite of the old exploitation veterans, David Warbeck.