Sketchy Love”

Posted on July 2, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is brought to you by Bolivian Nose Candy.

Episode 6.5 “Hyde and Seek/Command Performance/Sketchy Love”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on October 30, 1982)

Gopher dates a 14 year-old!

WHAT!?

Of course, Gopher doesn’t realize that she’s fourteen. I’m not really sure how Gopher doesn’t realize that because the girl is played by Kim Richards, who was 18 at the time but looked considerably younger. It should also be noted that the girl is also pretending to be her own fictional older sister and she claims to be 18 but …. eh. I have a hard time buying that Kim Richards could have convinced Gopher that she was two different people, just because that underbite was pretty hard to disguise. Even if we give Gopher the benefit of the doubt, he’s still a guy in mid-thirties, dating a teenager while he’s supposed to be working. I like Gopher but the Captain might have to find a new purser after this. How to explain Gopher’s self-destructive behavior? My theory is that he found Julia’s coke stash.

Fear not, though. It all works out. The truth comes out. Kim Richards’s father (played by Dana Andrews) announces that he’s going to spank his daughter. She’s fourteen, you’re not going to spank anyone, you old weirdo.

Meanwhile, a dude (Skip Stephenson) who looks like he’s been up a few nights on a cocaine binge falls in love with Morgan Brittany but …. uh oh! He’s married! Fortunately, his wife wants to divorce him, probably because of all the cocaine. To me, the funniest thing about this story is that, as soon as he gets on the cruise, he starts spilling his guts to Isaac as if they’re old friends. Dude, you don’t know Isaac. It’s a big ship and Isaac’s the only bartender. Isaac doesn’t have time to just stand there and listen to you whine. But that’s the thing with cocaine. It makes you a tad bit self-absorbed. Trust me, I’ve seen Scarface. I know about the yayo.

And finally, Dan Rowan plays a comedian who has been hired to perform on the ship. His ex-wife (Marion Ross) and daughter (Eve Plumb) just happen to be on the boat as well. Eve Plumb wants nothing to do with Dan Rowan, believing that he abandoned his family. Dan Rowan uses his act to explain what really happened and to beg his daughter to forgive him. I have to say that, if I was a passenger, I would be kind of ticked off. You show up at the Acapulco Lounge, hoping to have a good laugh and suddenly the headliner is crying and delivering this really depressing monologue. Thanks for ruining my cruise, jerk! Seriously, how coked up do you have to be to sabotage your career like that?

This was not my favorite cruise but at least Julia’s hair looked better here than it did last week. To be honest, the entire boat seemed to be coked up this week. Hopefully, they’ll all go to rehab and next week will be a bit more pleasant.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.11 “The Artist and the Lady/Elizabeth’s Baby”

Posted on January 30, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

Sorry for the late review! I’m currently on Vicodin (nothing to worry about) and it set me far behind today.

Episode 4.11 “The Artist And The Lady/Elizabeth’s Baby”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

This week, we have two new fantasies. One is surprisingly sweet. The other is about as dumb as can be.

Poor Tattoo! Because Mr. Roarke is busy with the good fantasy this week, it largely falls on Tattoo to play host for the bad fantasy. Kermit Dobbs (Don Most) is a nerdy art teacher who wants to be a real artist. Before leaving to oversee the good fantasy, Roarke gives Dobbs a potion that, when Dobbs drinks it, gives him the talent of Patrick O’Herlihy (Peter Brown), a mad Irish artist who, for some reason, lives in the wilds of Fantasy Island. What Dobbs doesn’t know that is that the potion not only gives him Patrick’s talent but it also apparently gives him the knowledge of every woman that Patrick has slept with on the island. When Kermit paints a picture of a Deborah Dare (Michelle Pfeiffer — wait, what!?) and knows just where to place her birthmark, it leads to the men on the Island chasing Kermit into the wilderness.

It’s in the wilds that Kermit meets Patrick and they spend some time drinking and talking about art. Eventually, Kermit gives up his claim to Patrick’s talent and he leaves the island with Deborah. Meanwhile, all the men on the Island now want to kill Patrick so I’m not really sure that this qualifies as a good ending.

That was all really stupid, with every actor in the fantasy going overboard with their characters. Don Most apparently went a week without shaving before appearing on this episode, in an attempt to come across as someone with an artistic soul. It didn’t work.

The far better fantasy featured Eve Plumb as Elizabeth Blake, a woman who is pregnant and who know that she will probably die in childbirth. Her fantasy is to have a chance to see what her daughter’s future life will be like. Though reluctant, Mr. Roarke travels with her to three separate years in the future. (Interestingly enough, even though they eventually end up traveling 20 years into the future, the world still looks like the 70s.) At first, Elizabeth is happy to see that her daughter will have an apparently happy childhood but things get progressively darker until finally, Lisa Blake (Alison Arngrim) has run away from home and is working as a prostitute. Mr. Roarke allows Elizabeth to talk to Lisa (hey!) on the condition that Elizabeth not reveal her identity. Elizabeth is able to convince Lisa to go back home.

It’s a sweet but rather sad story. Even as Elizabeth leaves Fantasy Island with the knowledge that she was able to help her daughter, she still leaves with the knowledge that she’s going to die in childbirth. In the lead role, Eve Plumb is as good as Don Most was bad.

That one good fantasy is so good that it saves the episode. That bad fantasy is so bad that it keeps this episode from being the classic that it should have been. Such is life on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.25 “Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure”

Posted on January 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, an important question is finally answered!

Episode 3.25 “Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 29th, 1980)

Ever since Vicki first came aboard the ship, I have been wondering how exactly a 12 year-old can live (and apparently work) on an ocean liner. One of my main questions has concerned how she is getting an education while sailing back and forth to Mexico.

With this episode, I finally got my answer. When social worker Susan Stoddard (Lois Nettleton) boards the ship to decide whether or not to recommend that the Captain be given custody of Vicki, one of the first question that she asks is about school.

“Chief Petty Officer Dooley has a master’s in education,” Stubing replies, before saying that this never-before-mentioned character served as Vicki’s tutor.

Well, I’m glad that’s been cleared up. Still, it is interesting that we’ve never before seen or even heard of this Dooley character. We don’t even see Dooley in this episode. You would think the social worker would want to talk to the person who is in charge of Vicki’s education. Instead, Susan sees the rest of the crew, all of whom try to be on their best behavior in order to convince her that the Love Boat is not the floating HR nightmare that we all know it is.

(Still, at least the crew tried. I’m surprised Doctor Bricker didn’t just try to sleep with her or something….)

This would be a really depressing episode of the Captain wasn’t awarded custody. Luckily, Susan is so impressed by the crew that she says she will definitely file a positive report. As she put it, Vicki not only has one wonderful parent. She has “Five wonderful parents!” Let’s see — Stubing, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, Doc …. yep, that’s five. I’m sure Chief Petty Officer Dooley appreciates being left out of the group.

Isaac has more to worry about than just Captain Stubing’s situation. Isaac is convinced that an old man named Gordon (Noah Beery, Jr.) is bank robber! Gordon, who works as a bank guard at the port, is sailing on the Love Boat with his wife of 30 years, Betty (Alice Faye). Gordon is spending a lot of money. Isaac worries that Gordon stole the money but actually, it turns out that Gordon is just spending his life savings because his wife is in poor health and he wants to make sure that she has a wonderful vacation. Unfortunately, Gordon spends too much on a diamond ring. His wife, realizing what Gordon has done, secretly exchanges the ring for a cheaper one and tells her husband that she doesn’t need a life of luxury. She just needs him. Awwwwwww! What a sweet old couple.

Finally, there are two real criminals on the boat. Ralph (Norman Alden) and Ben (Richard Bakalyan) are two mob enforces who have been sent to accompany the boss’s daughter (Eve Plumb) on her honeymoon with her un-connected husband, Mark (Sal Viscuso). Ralph and Ben’s presence makes Mark so uncomfortable that he can’t even consummate his marriage. Ralph and Ben try to make things romantic for the couple. Eventually, Doc Bricker tells the gangsters that Mark has a fictional disease, which causes Ralph and Ben to back off. The married couple finally gets to celebrate their honeymoon. But Mark still married into a mafia family so he’ll probably be machine-gunned as soon as he steps off the boat.

With the exception of the stupid Mafia story, this was a sweet episode. I’m glad things worked out for the old couple and for Vicki and the Captain. The Love Boat is not really a show that you watch for the acting but Gavin MacLeod’s natural sincerity always served him well whenever the show focused on his role as Vicki’s father. Plus, I no longer have to worry about whether or not Vicki is going to have more than a sixth grade education. So that’s a good thing.

Retro Television Reviews: Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway (dir by Randal Kleiser)

Posted on July 9, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1976’s Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Dawn Wetherby (Eve Plumb) is fifteen years old. She’s naive. She’s innocent. She’s …. well, let’s just be honest and admit that she’s not particularly bright. Sick of being embarrassed by her alcoholic mom (Lynn Carlin), Dawn decides to hop on a bus and travel to Hollywood. Maybe she can make a new life for herself in California.

Of course, it doesn’t take long for Dawn to discover that Los Angeles is not a city where dreams magically come true. It’s a tough and harsh town and it’s not like Dawn has any money or any particular skills. When she tries to get a job, she’s told that she’s too young. When she tries to rent a room, she’s told that ten dollars is not enough to cover two weeks rent. When she gives a dollar to a boy who says that he needs it, he responds by mugging her for the rest of her cash. A prostitute named Frankie Lee (Marguerite DeLain) takes some sympathy on Dawn and tells her to call if she ever wants to make some money.

Eventually, a nasty cough leads to Dawn going to the free clinic. That’s where she meets Alexander (Leigh McCloskey). Alexander is a teen runaway, just like Dawn. However, Alexander also can somehow afford an apartment and food to eat. Alexander invites Dawn to live with him and Dawn, realizing she has no where else to go, agrees. Alexander offers to look after her but, after Dawn discovers that Alexander makes his money by working as a male prostitute, Dawn decides that she needs a job of her own.

It’s time to call Frankie Lee! And it’s time for Frankie Lee to introduce Dawn to Swan (Bo Hopkins), a pimp who lives in a nice house and who offers to put Dawn to work….

Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway is an earnest film that was obviously made with the best of intentions and which actually did have something say, in its melodramatic way, about the dangers of running away from home and trying to make it on your own when you’re not even old enough to drive. That said, I imagine that most people who go through the effort to track down this film will do so because it stars The Brady Bunch‘s Eve Plumb as an underage runway who ends up walking the streets and taking men back to her motel room. The movie might as well be called Jan Brady Goes Bad, because Eve Plumb does essentially give the same performance that she gave when she was playing the whiniest member of the Brady Bunch. There’s nothing tough or streetwise about her, which works for the first half of the film but not during the second half. Once Dawn has been on the streets for a bit, you would expect her to toughen up a bit but she still comes across like she’s mad at Greg and Bobby for tying up the phone. Dawn goes through a lot and becomes a bit jaded as a result but, every time she speaks, you expect her to exclaim, “Why does Marcia get to runaway from home but I don’t? It’s not fair!” Far more impressive are the performances of Bo Hopkins and, in the role of Dawn’s probation officer, George Stanford Brown. William Schallert also has a good bit as Dawn’s first client, who ends up feeling so sorry for Dawn that he just give her twenty dollars and then tells her to go back home.

Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runway is one of those film that was obviously designed to make parents worry about their kids. It seems to be asking, “Do you know where your children are tonight?” In 1976, I imagine they were busy watching Jan Brady try to make it on the mean streets of Hollywood.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we begin season 3 of Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.1 “Hit Man/The Swimmer”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 7th, 1979)

The third season of Fantasy Island gets off to a strange start when, after announcing that the plane is arriving with this week’s guests, Tattoo approaches Mr. Roarke while accompanied by a one-man band.

Not even bothering to disguise his contempt his assistant, Mr. Roarke demands to know what Tattoo is doing. Tattoo replies that he is campaigning for the position of Honorary Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island. He hands Mr. Roarke one of his fliers.

Again, Mr. Roarke does not appear to be particularly amused as he informs Tattoo that he has been Lord Mayor of Fantasy Island for several terms now and no one, up until this point, has ever dared to run against him. Tattoo suggests that it is time for a change.

Myself, I’m just wondering what the heck is going on.

I mean, we are three seasons into Fantasy Island. It has been established that Fantasy Island is an independent nation, one that is home not just to the resort but also to a fishing village, a private school, an old west town, several haunted houses, a red light district, and miles of potentially dangerous jungle. Whenever anyone from America has tried to boss around Mr. Roarke, Roarke has replied that Fantasy Island is a not governed by American law. Given the size and the variety of lifestyles on Fantasy Island, I’m not sure that “Lord Mayor” is really the right term to use for the island’s ruler.

Beyond that, it’s been pretty much established that Mr. Roarke is Fantasy Island’s dictator. He decides what happens on Fantasy Island. He makes the laws. It’s his island and everyone respects his authority. The important thing is that, over the past two seasons, it has never been previously mentioned that Mr. Roarke is an elected official. If Tattoo were to win the election, would the Island become his? Is Tattoo truly trying to overthrow Mr. Roarke? Given how much Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize disliked each other, it would not surprise me if Villechaize would have been happy to see that happen. But, if you’re going by the show’s admittedly twisty continuity, the whole thing just doesn’t make any sense.

As for this week’s two fantasies, the first one doesn’t always make that much sense either. It features David Doyle as Fred Forbush, an underwear manufacturer. He’s come to the island with his wife (Constance Towers) and kids (Ronnie Scribner and Katrina Axley). Fred has gotten in some business trouble. Though his family doesn’t know it, he is on the verge of losing it all. However, he has a life insurance policy that will pay his family over a million dollars if he’s murdered. Though his family thinks that they are just on vacation, Fred’s fantasy is for Mr. Roarke to arrange for a hitman to kill him.

The fact that Mr. Roarke not only agrees to this but apparently also allows a hitman named Johnny Detroit (Eddie Mekka) to operate an assassination school on his island suggests that maybe Tattoo has a point about the Island needing a new Lord Mayor.

Johnny’s first attempt to murder Fred fails when Johnny slips on a leaf and ends up firing his sniper rifle into the sky. Humiliated by that failure, Johnny now feels that killing Fred is a matter of honor. However, Fred receives word that a clothing store wants to go into business with him! Fred no longer wants to die! Well, good luck with that….

Fear not! This is actually the episode’s comedic storyline so Fred doesn’t die. Instead, he ends up trying to hide from Johnny by putting on a wig and a sarong. When that doesn’t work, he tells his family the truth. (Needless to say, his wife is pretty angry at Lord Mayor Mr. Roarke.) Fortunately, Johnny’s mother (Kaye Ballard) shows up on the island and puts an end to the whole thing. It turns out that Johnny really isn’t a hitman. Instead, he’s just a guy named Wilbur whose fantasy was to be a ruthless killer …. which is not disturbing at all!

While all that nonsense is going on, Jack Summers (Peter Graves) and his daughter, Terry (Eve Plumb, continuing the tradition of former Brady kids showing up on both this show and The Love Boat) arrive on the island to see Dr. Frantz (Gail Fisher). Terry was an Olympic-level swimmer until a car accident left her in a wheelchair. Jack’s fantasy is that Dr. Frantz will be able to cure Terry’s condition and she’ll be able to walk and swim once again. Unfortunately, Dr. Frantz explains that there is no hope.

However, Mr. Roarke has also arranged for Terry to teach a water ballet class. The class is made up of disabled children and, as you have probably already guessed, working with them causes Terry to realize that she doesn’t have to go to the Olympics to do great things. As far as fantasies go, it was predictable but sweet. Even Peter Graves gets emotional watching Terry’s students in the water.

But what about the election? Tattoo names Chester the Chimpanzee as his campaign manager and loses the election when Chester eats the only vote that Tattoo received. By a landslide, Mr. Roarke is reelected. Presumably, his first post-election move will be to have Tattoo imprisoned for bringing Johnny Detroit to the Island, despite the fact that it was actually all Mr. Roarke’s idea. When you’re a dictator, you can do whatever you want. Hopefully, Tattoo will be free by next week’s episode.

This episode was a nice way to kick off season 3. The election storyline reminded the viewers of just how weird Fantasy Island actually is, as both a location and a show. Eddie Mekka made me chuckle a few times in the role of the buffoonish Johnny Detroit. And I was glad that Terry found the peace and happiness that was always denied to Jan Brady.

Next week: Abe Vigoda visits the Island!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”

Posted on March 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Eve Plumb and Leslie Nielsen visit Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”

(Dir by Larry Stewart, originally aired on January 13th, 1979)

Tattoo is a horse thief! He claims that he just found the horse while wandering around the island but later, he comes across a wanted poster that has his picture on it and the declaration that Tattoo is wanted dead or alive. Mr. Roarke gets a good laugh out of that and even repeats the words, “Dead or alive,” as if he’s realizing that he’s finally found a way to get rid of his assistant. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke has a change of heart and, at the end of the episode, buys the horse for Tattoo. Awwwww!

As for this week’s guests, Joe Capos (George Maharis) is a fisherman who has always wondered what it would be like to be a millionaire. Joe and his wife, Eva (Shelley Fabares), come to the island and find themselves set up in a house that looks exactly like the one where Joe grew up. One day, Joe goes out fishing and what should he find in his net but a gold statue of Triton blowing his horn! It’s a valuable artifact, one that could make Joe a millionaire if it is found to be authentic. Soon, Joe is surrounded by a bunch of people who are hoping to be on his good side when he becomes rich. He’s the most popular man on the island! Unfortunately, Joe is having so much fun being rich and popular that his neglected wife leaves him. Joe knows that the only way to get Eva back is to return the statue to the ocean but will he have the courage to give up wealth and fame for love?

Meanwhile, Eve Plumb plays — wait a minute, Eve Plumb? Just last week, Robert Reed was on the show, playing a method actor who thought he was a vampire. Now, the original Jan Brady has come to the island. I wonder if the entire Brady Bunch will eventually make it to Fantasy Island?

Plumb is playing Clare Conti, a young woman who suspects that her twin brother was murdered. In order to prove it, her fantasy is to have a séance and contact him. Her entire family comes to the Island for the séance, including Uncle Victor (Leslie Nielsen). This episode is Neilsen’s second appearance on the Fantasy Island and, again, he’s playing a very serious and a very somber character but, because he’s so deadpan about it, it’s hard not hear everything that he says as being a joke. It’s always great fun to see Nielsen playing humorless authority figures in the days before he became a comedy superstar. The only thing that would make this episode better would be if Nielsen turned out to be the murderer but sadly, he’s not. As for the rest of the fantasy, the séance scenes manage to strike the right balance between being creepy and being campy. Clare’s dead brother yells a lot but I guess that’s what you do when you’re trying to communicate from the beyond.

This was an enjoyable episode, featuring good performances from the guest stars and fantasies that were intriguing without demanding too much from the audience. This trip to Fantasy Island was more than worth it.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat

Today, we wrap up season one of The Love Boat! All aboard!

Episode 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

(Dir by Alan Baron, originally aired on May 20th, 1978)

As I sat down to watch this episode on Paramount Plus, I was once again confronted with that weird commercial featuring P!nk and Michael Phelps tossing a big red COVID germ at each other. I’ve seen this commercial a few times. It’s popular not only on Paramount Plus but also on Hulu and Peacock. For a commercial that’s all about the terrors of COVID, I have to say that representing the risk by using a big rubber ball feels a bit …. well, counterproductive. (Actually, perhaps silly would be a better way to describe it.) To be honest, P!nk and Michael Phelps look like they’re almost having too much fun tossing COVID at each other. Someday, someone will actually take a serious look at how and why the combined efforts of the media and the advertising industry struggled to convince people to take the vaccine and this commercial will hopefully be remembered. Considering that it’s the elderly who are at the greatest risk when it comes to COVID, it’s interesting that almost all of the vaccination commercials that I’ve seen have been stylistically aimed at older millennials. Michael Phelps saying that his depression puts him at a greater risk of COVID is not the sort of thing that’s going to convince an 80 year-old to get a booster.

Speaking of commercials, the first season finale of The Love Boat featured Antonio Fargas as an advertising exec named Lee Graham. When we first see him, he’s saying goodbye to his wife as he boards the ship. He tells her that he’ll miss her and that the only reason he’s going to be on the boat is because he’s working on ad campaign for the cruise company. Of course, he’s lying. He’s actually taking the cruise so that he can spend some time with his mistress, Andrea (Jonelle Allen). Lee and Andrea are excited to finally have a few days where they can be with each other without feeling like they have to hide for everyone. However, Lee soon discovers that his nosy neighbors (played by Kaye Bass and Elias Jacob) are also on the boat! As a result, Lee doesn’t get a chance to cheat on his wife and, at the end of the cruise, he and Andrea realize that they don’t want to continue their adulterous ways. Fortunately, it turns out that Lee’s wife already knew about the affair and is incredibly forgiving. I’m not really sure why she’s so forgiving but hey, it was the 70s! It’s not like The Love Boat is going to end with a divorce. That’s more of a 90s thing.

While this is going, ruthless business tycoon Mr. Yamashiro (Pat Morita — yes, you read that correctly) is determined to convince Ruth Newman (Diane Baker) to sell him her late husband’s factory. Yamashiro even orders his assistant, Ken Davis (Gary Collins), to trick Ruth by pretending to fall in love with her. However, Ken really does fall in love with her and he loses his job as a result. Fear not, though. Ruth hires him and agrees to invest in a special, voice-activated word processor that he’s created. Yamashiro is so impressed that he agrees to invest as well. Yamashiro says that they can consider his investment to be a wedding present. Ruth and Ken have only known each other for a few days but sure, why shouldn’t they get married? I mean, it’s the 70s! People get married about knowing each other for a weekend and then they forgive each other for cheating. Love is all around, no need to waste it. They’re all going to make it, after all.

However, none of those stories can compare to what happens to Gopher. After starting the cruise in a bad mood because he feels that Captain Stubing doesn’t respect him, Gopher falls for a young communist named Vanessa! And Vanessa is played by Eve Plumb. That’s right! This episode features the original Jan Brady filling Gopher’s head with a bunch of Marxist nonsense! Vanessa is traveling on the boat with her wealthy father (Don Porter) and she sure does resent all of the money that’s being spent on the cruise. When she tells Gopher that he should stop taking orders from the Captain because, as “members of the Personhood,” no one has any right to order anyone else around, Gopher takes her words to heart and he ended up getting fired for insubordination! Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for both Vanessa and Gopher to see the errors of their ways and the Captain hires Gopher back, with the understanding that Gopher will never again bring a certain impractical economic theory. It’s a bit like that episode where the Captain told Isaac that he was spending too much time learning about black history. The Captain’s not going to let his purser go down the Marxist rabbit hole!

And so, the first season comes to a close. This was a good episode with which to end the season. Though his storyline was undeniably icky, Antonio Fargas proved himself to be a talented physical comedian as he tried to keep his neighbors from noticing his girlfriend. The second story was a bit bland but Pat Morita transcended his stereotypical role. And seriously, how can you not enjoy Eve Plumb radicalizing Gopher?

When The Love Boat began, the crew was unsure of how to react around Captain Stubing. As the first season comes to a close, they’ve learned that Stubing will always have their back, as long as they don’t talk about Black History or Marxism. What will the crew discover about their captain during season 2? We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Reviews: A Very Brady Christmas (dir by Peter Baldwin)

Posted on December 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In A Very Brady Christmas, America’s creepiest family reunites for the holidays.

Mike and Carol Brady (played by Robert Reed and Florence Henderson, of course) have finally got their house to themselves! The children have all moved out. A few have even gotten married and started families of their own. Mike is still an architect, though he now has a mustache that, along with his gray hair, makes him look more like a retired porn actor.

With Christmas approaching, Mike and Carol have each been secretly saving up their money to give the other a trip. Carol knows that Mike loves Greece. Mike suspects that Carol would love to go to Japan. In the end, though, they realize that they would much rather have the entire family come together for Christmas! They buy tickets for everyone. Of course, what they don’t know is that each of the Brady kids has an issue of their own.

For instance, consider the youngest of the Brady kids. Cindy isn’t even herself anymore, mostly because Susan Olsen declined to return for the reunion and Jennifer Runyon was cast in her place. Cindy is away at college and she’s upset that she has to cancel her plans to go skiing just so she can spend the holidays with her family. Meanwhile, Bobby (Mike Lookinland) has dropped out of college so that he can race cars on the NASCAR circuit but he hasn’t told his parents yet! Of course, if Bobby never tells them, he can just keep pocketing that sweet, sweet tuition money.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) is upset because his girlfriend is his boss and she makes considerably more money than he does. Jan (Eve Plumb) is secretly separated from her husband but, because it’s the holidays, they agree to pretend to still be together so that Mike and Carol don’t get upset. Greg (Barry Williams) has grown up to be a smarmy doctor but he is upset that his wife will not be joining him for Christmas with his parents. And Marcia (Maureen McCormick) is trying to keep everyone from discovering that her loser husband has lost his job.

And let’s not forget Alice (Anne B. Davis)! Alice finally married Sam The Butcher but their marriage is on the rocks….

Could the Bradys be more cursed?

Luckily, Mike and Carol are pretty good at uncovering problems and fixing things. (Except, of course, for that time that Mike never figured out that Marcia was acting strange because she wanted to surprise him with his father of the year prize….) Unfortunately, Mike is a bit distracted because his latest building was constructed with cheap material. When an earthquake causes the building collapse, Mike takes it upon himself to rescue two trapped workers. (Most of this takes place off-screen, of course.) When an aftershock hits, it seems like Mike might never emerge from the tomb that he helped to design.

Much like the show that inspired it, A Very Brady Christmas is painfully earnest and …. well, it’s a little dumb. Of course, the main appeal of The Brady Bunch was always the unapologetic mix of earnestness and stupidity but it’s a bit different when all the Brady kids are grown up and they’re still acting just as dumb as they did when they were younger. Robert Reed looks annoyed. Florence Henderson is trouper and gives it her all. With the notable exception of Maureen McCormick, none of the kids grew up to be particularly good actors. (In all fairness, Barry Williams is likable when he makes fun of himself but, in this film, he’s somewhat stiff as the most successful of the Brady kids.) That said, the family singing a Christmas carol while waiting to discover whether or not Mike is dead is one of those moments that is somehow both silly and effective at the same time. It’s pure Brady Bunch. To quote Tony Montana, it’s the yayo of nostalgia.

A Very Brady Christmas aired in 1988 and was enough of a rating success that it actually led to the Brady Bunch being (briefly) revived. Today, it’s impossible to watch the movie without imagining Gary Cole and Shelley Long as Mike and Carol Brady. Even the collapse of the building is no longer an effective dramatic moment due to it being referenced in The Brady Bunch Movie. When Mike does emerge from that collapsed building, you half expect him to say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the end, the Bradys have a merry Christmas. I hope you have one too!

Embracing the Melodrama #60: Blue Ruin (dir by Jeremy Saulnier)

Posted on July 16, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, all good things must come to an end and here it is. This is the final entry in a little series that I like to call Embracing the Melodrama. For the past two weeks, I’ve been reviewing, in chronological order, 60 of the most and least memorable melodramas ever filmed. We’ve looked at everything from films that were nominated for (and occasionally won) Oscars to films that played in a few grindhouses and drive-ins before disappearing into obscurity. We’ve reviewed big budget spectaculars and movies that were apparently filmed for less money than I typically spend during a weekend shopping spree. I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading these reviews as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. If I’ve introduced you to a film you previously did not know or if I’ve inspired you to track down and watch an old classic, then I’ve accomplished what I set out to do and I’m happy. We started this series by looking at a film from 1916 and now, we end it with a movie that was released into theaters just a few months ago.

That film is Blue Ruin and, if you haven’t seen it yet, you really should.

Now, I want to be careful just how much I tell you about Blue Ruin‘s story because, much like the thematically similar Cold In July, Blue Ruin may start out like a standard thriller but it soon moves in unexpected and surprising directions. It’s not so much that the film’s plot is unpredictable (in fact, one of the film’s strengths is that the story told is essentially a simple one) as much as it’s the fact that the film adds an element of ambiguity to that plot that forces you to reconsider all of your preconceived notions. Blue Ruin is a revenge film for people who like to think.

Blue Ruin opens with the bearded and clearly unstable Dwight (Macon Blair) going through trash cans and dumpsters in search of food. Dwight lives in his filthy car and it quickly becomes obvious that, despite Dwight’s disheveled appearance, he’s not really much of a threat to anyone. Instead, he simply wants to be left alone. However, one day, Dwight is approached by a friendly police officer who tells him that a man named Wade Cleland has been replaced from prison. The suddenly motivated Dwight responds by driving his car to the prison and watching as Wade is released. Dwight than manages to get a knife (after first trying to steal a gun and failing so completely that you can’t help but feel sorry for him) and goes to the small country bar where Wade and his family are celebrating his freedom. Dwight manages to get into the club and, after a brutal fight, fatally stabs Wade in the temple.

Macon Blair in Blue Ruin

The rest of the film deals with both the reasons behind and the consequences of Dwight’s actions and it would not be right for me to spoil the film any more than I already have. Let’s just say that neither Dwight nor the Clelands turn out to be quite who we believed them to be. The crimes of the past aren’t quite as clear-cut as either Dwight or the Clelands initially assumed. All that is clear is that now that Dwight has taken his revenge, the Clelands now feel the need to take their own revenge. It’s an endless cycle that’s made all the more complicated by the fact that neither Dwight nor the Clelands are as good at this whole revenge thing as they think.

Chances are that you’ve never heard of Macon Blair. I hadn’t heard of him until I saw him in this movie. But, obscure or not, that doesn’t change the fact that, in the role of Dwight, Macon Blair gives one of the best performances of the year so far. He turns Dwight into a sort of mentally unstable everyman and, as a result, Dwight is a truly memorable and unexpectedly poignant lead character.

It’s interesting that 2014 has seen the release of several films that feature unlikely and morally ambiguous protagonists dealing with violence, revenge, and secrets in the South. Blue Ruin joins Cold In July and Joe as one of the best films of 2014. And it also provides a high note for which to close out Embracing the Melodrama.