Loser & Still Champ”

Posted on October 22, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Vicki is accused of corrupting a passenger!

Episode 6.23 “Vicki’s Dilemma/Discount Romance/Loser & Still Champ”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on March 5th, 1983)

Poor Vicki! Finally, someone her own age — Mark Hammond (Glenn Scarpelli) — boards the boat and he turns out to be a speed freak! In fact, he steals some amphetamines from Doc’s cabin. (For some reason, Doc didn’t lock the medicine cabinet. Y’know, people get fired for stuff like that….) When the speeding Mark collapses on deck, Vicki is the first to help him. And how does Mark thank her? By slipping the stolen pills into Vicki’s pocket!

Mark’s mom (Elinor Donahue) accuses Vicki of getting her son hooked on speed. Luckily, Mark has an attack of conscience and admits the truth. (“I was going to let you take the fall but….” Mark says.) Vicki and the Captain are surprisingly forgiving of Mark and his mom. If I was in Vicki’s shoes, I can’t say I’d be quite so gracious about it. Then again, I’ve been taking speed for ADD for most of my life so I would at least have an excuse for having the medicine.

Meanwhile, Gopher’s uncle (Red Buttons) boards the boat and starts selling watches out of his cabin. He’s such a good salesman that he almost puts the boat’s gift shop out of business! The owner of the gift shop is played by June Allyson and she’s not amused. She and Red Button still end up falling in love though.

(I thought Juliet Mills was in charge of the gift shop. When did June Allyson arrive?)

Finally, passenger Tom Joseph (Patrick Wayne) feels threatened because he’s got a crush on another passenger (Ann Turkel) who is a tennis star and much more athletic to him. Every Love Boat has at least one boring story and this week, it was Tom’s story.

This was an okay episode. Red Buttons and June Allyson were a cute old couple. I appreciated the Vicki storyline, if just because it was one of the few times that I’ve seen this show acknowledge that Vicki really doesn’t get to spend much time with people her own age. Captain Stubing confessed to worrying about whether or not life at sea was fair to Vicki and Gavin MacLeod delivered the lines with such sincerity that, for a few brief moments, The Love Boat became a serious drama.

This was a good cruise.

Going Berserk (1983, directed by David Steinberg)

Posted on January 28, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

John Bourgignon (John Candy) is a man of many talents. He’s a limo driver. He’s a drummer. He is an occasional actor, having starred in Kung Fu U. for his friend, director Sal DiPasquale (Eugene Levy). John is also improbably engaged to Nancy Reece (Alley Mills), the daughter of Congressman and presidential candidate Ed Reese (Pat Hingle). As the wedding approaches, John deals with a number of things. He chauffeurs around a group of Spanish Beatles impersonators. He finds himself handcuffed to a fugitive (Ernie Hudson) who dies at an inopportune time. A cult leader (Richard Libertini) attempts to brainwash John into assassinating Ed, though the process might just turn John into a “schmuck.”

Going Berserk was John Candy’s first lead feature role and it was obviously designed to play to Candy’s popularity as one of the stars of SCTV. Going Berserk doesn’t gave a plot as much as it’s a collection of skits, some of which work better than others but all of which are held together by Candy’s comedic timing and amiable presence. Going Berserk is disjointed and wildly uneven but it’s also frequently funny and that is a testament to Candy’s talent. Even an overlong parody of The Blue Lagoon raises a smile because John Candy is just so committed to playing out the joke.

Going Berserk also features several familiar faces, like Richard Libertini, Pat Hingle, Ernie Hudson, Dixie Carter, Kurtwood Smith, Paul Dooley, and two of Candy’s SCTV co-stars, Eugene Levy and Joe Flaherty. I especially liked Levy’s performance as the sleazy director who blackmails his way into filming the wedding. Going Berserk was frequently stupid but, more often than not, it made me laugh.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Love Boat is back for a new year of reviews!

Episode 5.11 “He’s My Brother/Zeke and Zelda/Teach Me Tonight”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week, Doc Bricker’s brother boards the Love Boat and boy, does he turn out to be a jerk! Fred Bricker (Jack Bannon) is bitter because their father paid for Doc to go to medical school while Fred had to stay behind on the farm. Now, Fred is married to Nancy (Elaine Joyce) and worried about how he’s going to afford to send his own son to college. Convinced that Doc is rich, Fred thinks that Doc should pay for his nephew’s college tuition. Doc agrees. Fred still acts like an ungrateful jackass but, when he learns that Doc has actually taken out a loan to pay the tuition, Fred realizes that Doc may not be rich but he is a good man.

The weird thing about this storyline is that Fred didn’t have enough money to send his kid to college but apparently, he did have enough money to take an expensive cruise on a luxury liner. The other strange thing is that Fred didn’t know that Doc worked on the ship until he saw him in the lobby. Fred just happened to buy a ticket for the same ship that his brother worked on. Every episode of The Love Boat featured its share of implausible coincidences but this episode really pushes suspension of disbelief to its breaking point. On a positive note, this story did allow us to see another side of Doc. Bernie Kopell is always more believable when he gets to play Doc as being a nice guy as opposed to playing him as being an irredeemable lech.

Speaking of money, two old vaudevillians (played by Milton Berle and Martha Raye) haven’t had much of it ever since their style of performing went out of fashion. Berle and Raye stowaway on the ship and then attempt to freeload their way through the cruise by pretending to be another set of passengers, Zeke and Zelda Van Buren (played by Herb Edelman and Elinor Donahue). The captain is not amused when he finds out that someone is breaking the law on his boat but then Milton and Martha sing a duet of For Me And My Gal and all is forgiven. The Captain arranges for them to get a job as entertainers on another ship. I’ve noticed that the Captain never really seems to punish any of the many stowaways who have taken a trip on The Love Boat. And you know what? Good for him! There’s a place for mercy in this cold world of ours.

Finally, romance novelist Michael Scott (Daryl Anderson) has a one night stand with teacher Emily Parker (Susan Richardson). Michael — and yes, it’s impossible not to think of The Office whenever anyone mentions the character’s name — is stunned when Emily gets emotional after their night together. “You’re acting like you’ve never done this before….” Michael says and, of course, it turns out that she hasn’t. This was a pretty bleh storyline but it did lead to a funny scene where Michael attempts to have a conversation with Emily while two old ladies eavesdrop and freak out every time they hear the word “virgin.”

I enjoyed this cruise, mostly because it gave Bernie Kopell a chance to actually do some real acting for once. I always like it when Doc turns out to be a nice guy. Milton Berle and Martha Raye are, to put it lightly, an acquired taste but both of them give good performances in this episode and even manage to pull off their duet without making it too cringey. As for the third storyline, it was defeated by the lack of chemistry between Daryl Anderson and Susan Richardson. Still, two out of three is not bad.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.9 “Romance Times Three/The Night of the Tormented Soul”

Posted on September 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s time to visit the Island.

Episode 5.9 “Romance Times Three/The Night of the Tormented Soul”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week again finds Tattoo working as Roarke’s assistant, which again means that the episode opens with Julie explaining that she won’t be able to help out Roarke and Tattoo with any of the new people coming to the Island. What makes this week memorable as far as Julie excuses are concerned is that the reason Julie can’t help is because she’s been given a difficult task by Tattoo. A 300-pound woman has come to the Island with a fantasy of leading the Charge of the Light Brigade and Tattoo has told Julie to find a horse for her. Tattoo smirks as Julie tells Roarke. Roarke wishes Julie luck while declining to help her himself.

As for the fantasies, let’s get the boring one out of the way first. Sally Harris (Georgia Engel) works for a phone answering service. I had to look this up via Google but apparently a phone answering service was something that people and companies used in the days before texts, voice mail and email. Someone like Sally would answer the phone for you, collect your messages, and then call you later to give them to you. I guess it was something that companies did when they were too cheap to hire a receptionist or a personal assistant. I don’t know, it just seems strange to me.

Sally has fallen in love with three of her clients, though she hasn’t actually met any of them. Jack (Frank Bonner) is a bon vivant who calls her for love advice. Tony (Frank Converse) is a businessman who calls her for financial advice. Ben (David Groh) is a writer who often discusses his writer’s block with Sally. All three of the men have come to the Island. Sally fears how the men will react to discovering the real her so Mr. Roarke casts a spell and tells Sally that each men will see her the way that he thinks of her. Tony sees Sally as a prim and determined businesswoman. Jack sees her as a dark-haired seductress. And Ben sees her as a …. well, as a clown. He has always resented Sally’s advice. Of course, Ben is the one who ultimately falls in love with the real Sally.

It’s not a bad idea for a fantasy but it doesn’t really work because Georgia Engel isn’t convincing whenever she takes on any of Sally’s different personas. No matter what costume she’s wearing, she still delivers all of her lines in this high-pitched whisper that sometimes make it difficult to understand what she’s saying. (She’s not quite as inaudible here as she was in Jennifer Slept Here but still, I did struggle to hear everything she said.) The men are all thinly written, as well. I was glad she ended up with the writer but in the end, I really wouldn’t have cared that much if she had ended up with the businessman or the sex addict.

The better fantasy features Stephen Shortridge and Dianne Kay as Jason and Beth Martinique. When they were children, Beth and Jason survived a shipwreck and washed up on the shore of Fantasy Island. They were raised by a local millionaire, Richard Martinique (Richard Anderson) and their nanny, Blanche Barrens (Elinor Donahue). Both Richard and Ms. Barrens died one stormy night. Richard was shot and Ms. Barrens’s neck was broken in a fall. Jason and Beth want to go back to their childhood home so they can learn what happened that night. Fortunately, the ghosts of Richard and Ms. Barrens are still in the mansion, giving Jason and Beth a chance to see the tragic accident that led to the deaths of both Richard and Ms. Barrens. Even better, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo show up to inform Jason and Beth that they aren’t really brother-and-sister and therefore, they are free to pursue a romance. That’s good because, before Roarke showed up, Jason and Beth were gazing at each other like the brother and sister from the old Folger’s commercial. You know who I’m talking about.

I always enjoy it when Fantasy Island deals with ghosts and haunted mansions and this fantasy was filled with atmosphere and melodrama. The accident that led to death of Richard and Ms. Barrens was ludicrous and yet somehow poignant at the same time.

So, an overall mixed review on this episode but I think the ghost fantasy makes up for the other fantasy. Plus, Tattoo gets to show off his karate skills! Let’s see Julie do that!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.20 “Delphine/The Unkillable”

Posted on April 9, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 4.20 “Delphine/The Unkillable”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, Originally aired on April 11th, 1981)

For our first fantasy, Dr. Paul Todd (Randolph Mantooth) is a paleontologist who feels that the first life on Earth was silicon-based and that the missing link lives underneath a volcano on Fantasy Island. He comes to the Island with his girlfriend, Liz (Annette Funicello) and his assistant, Kyle (Alex Cord). With Roarke’s weary approval, they head off to the volcano to search for proof of Todd’s theory.

And they do find proof! After Kyle attempts to sexually assault Liz, she falls through a crevice and finds herself in the lair of …. well, it appears to be someone who is waring a rubber suit but Paul and Kyle are convinced that they’ve found their silicon man! (Kyle attempting to force himself on Liz is seemingly forgotten.) The Silicon Man appears to be immortal, which proves to be a bit of problem when it decides to carry of Liz. But then the Silicon Man falls in a pool of lava and dies so I guess he wasn’t immortal. At the end of the show, Tattoo suggests that the The Silicon Man was made of lava and that’s why he was vulnerable to it but …. what?

Mr. Roarke doesn’t seem to be that worried about the Silicon Man or the fact that one of the island’s volcanoes is spewing lava. He’s more concerned with his goddaughter, Delphine (Ann Jillian).

According to Roarke, Delphine is the daughter of one of the Island’s oldest families. She has spent the last few years off the Island, working as an assistant for a magician named The Great Zachariah (Carl Ballantine). Delphine’s secret is that she actually does have magical powers! She’s the one who does all of Zachariah’s tricks for him. However, Delphine now wants to marry Greg (Don Galloway) and she doesn’t want him to know that she can move stuff with her mind and make people materialize out of thin air. Her fantasy is to lose her powers.

Zachariah, not happy about the prospect of losing his assistant, comes to the Island and teams up with fortune-telling Madame Cluny (Doris Roberts) to trick Delphine into revealing her powers and driving Greg away. Myself, I’m not really sure I understand why her magic powers would be a deal-breaker. I mean, Delphine can literally do anything! And, as we see in this episode, she only uses her powers for good. Why would Greg have a problem with that?

On the plus side, Ann Jillian (who starred in another show that I reviewed on this site, Jennifer Slept Here) gives a good performance as Delphine and it’s easy to imagine an alternate version of the show where she played Roarke’s sidekick. On the negative side, the rest of the show and both of the fantasies are just silly and never make any sense.

This was not a memorable trip to the Island. Seriously …. silicon?

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.16 “Rogues and Riches/Stark Terror”

Posted on September 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

Episode 3.16 “Rogues and Riches/Stark Terror”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on January 19th, 1980)

Our latest weekend on Fantasy Island is both strange and entertaining!

Attorney Mark Hendicks (John Schuck) comes to the Island with a briefcase full of papers. He’s searching for his former law partner, Pete Gilbert (singer Robert Goulet). Years ago, Pete came to Fantasy Island with a simple fantasy. He wanted to be an 18th century British outlaw. However, Pete had so much fun in the past that he decided that he never wanted to leave. Mark needs to get Pete’s signature on some official forms so that Mark can sell some land that he and Pete bought before Pete’s fateful trip to the Island.

Mr. Roarke explains to Mark what’s going on with Pete and Mark is surprisingly accepting of Roarke’s explanation. Roarke drives Mark out to a bridge. He tells Mark that crossing the bridge will transport Mark to Pete’s fantasy. Mark crosses the bridge and immediately sees Pete being chased by a bunch of British soldiers. Pete is having a grand ol’ time in the 18th century but he’s more than willing to take some time out from plundering so that he can sign the papers so that will allow Mark to become a millionaire once he returns to the present. However, after a dinner scene that is basically lifted shot-for-shot from Tom Jones, Mark falls in love with Margaret Winston (Dolly Read), the wife of sword-wielding Judge Winston (Alan Hale, Jr). Mark is tempted to remain in the past but, in the end, he decides that his place is in the present. Fortunately, it turns out that Margaret was having a fantasy of her own and she and Mark leave the Island together.

While that silly but enjoyable fantasy plays out out, Amy Marson (Melissa Sue Anderson) searches for the solution to a mystery that was so traumatic that it caused her to lose her ability to speak. Amy’s mother (Elinor Donahue) died in front of her and Amy hopes to discover not only who killed her mother but also to recover her ability to speak. This leads to Amy visiting the lighthouse where she grew up and having a reunion with the kindly lighthouse keeper, Joshua Templar (Michael Constantine). Amy’s flashbacks lead her to the solution to the mystery of her mom’s death and also to Joshua’s secret son (David Drucker).

This storyline, much like last week’s battle against Elizabeth Bathory, was enjoyably creepy and it featured good performances from Anderson, Constantine, Donahue, and Drucker. In the best tradition of Fantasy Island, the storyline was both macabre and also rather life-affirming. Fantasy Island was always at its best when it revealed the hidden humanity at the heart of each fantasy. Amy learns the truth of her mother’s death and she regains her ability to speak. Tattoo tells her that she has a beautiful voice. Awwwwww!

This was a great weekend on Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.23 “A Funny Valentine/The Wallflower/Home is Not a Home”

Posted on July 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After the past few cruises, I think we’re overdue for a good episode of The Love Boat. Let’s see if this week’s episode can deliver!

Episode 2.23 “A Funny Valentine/The Wallflower/Home is Not a Home”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on March 3rd, 1979)

Julie has decided that this week’s voyage is going to have a carnival theme and, in order to get everyone in the mood, she’s hired a fortune teller! Mary Louise (Samantha Eggar) claims that she can read palms but she’s even more interested in the art of phrenology, the study of heads. When she sees that Captain Stubing is bald, she can’t wait to see what the top of his shiny head says about his romantic future. Unfortunately, Stubing is in one of his depressed moods and says that fortune telling is for the young. He explains that he’s old and he already knows that he’s destined to spend the rest of his life alone.

Awwwww!

Luckily, Mary Louise has other ideas! The Captain is soon won over by Mary Louise’s free-spirited ways and her joi de vivre. But the Captain also realizes that, unless he holds a carnival every cruise, there’s really not much place for a fortune teller on the ship. The best that he can offer Mary Louise is a job in the gift shop. Realizing that their lives are just too different, Mary Louise leaves the boat without saying goodbye the Captain …. but then she returns to tell the Captain that maybe she will take that gift shop job.

Awwwwww!

But then the Captain tells her that she would be miserable working in a gift shop. (Hopefully, none of the other gift shop employees overheard him.) The Captain and Mary Louise part ways.

Again, awwwwwww!

It was a simple story but I have to say that Samantha Eggar and Gavin MacLeod had a surprising amount of chemistry and both of them gave really heartfelt performances in this episode. I found myself caring about them as a couple and hoping that things would work out. Of course, I knew things couldn’t work out because then the show would have to find a new captain.

While all that is going on, shy Sylvia (Patty Freedman) has finally taken the advice of her neighbor, Gopher. She has booked a cruise on the Love Boat! However, Sylvia is painfully shy and doesn’t even realize that there’s a passenger named Monroe (Zane Lasky) who has a crush on her. (Of course, Monroe is pretty shy himself.) Gopher decides that Sylvia needs a confidence boost so he sends her a rose at dinner and tells her it’s from a secret admirer. Unfortunately, Sylvia becomes so obsessed with finding her secret admirer that she continues to fail to notice Monroe trying to talk to her. When Sylvia returns to her cabin, she discovers hundreds of roses. When she tells Gopher about it, Gopher is confused because he didn’t send any roses to her cabin. For some reason, Gopher assumes that Sylvia is now delusional and that she only thought she saw all of the flowers in her cabin. Seeking to restore her sanity, Gopher confesses that he sent Sylvia the rose. Sylvia assumes that Gopher means that he sent all of the roses so, when Monroe confesses to sending the flowers to her cabin, she assumes that Monroe is making fun of her and….

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Yes, this is another story where all of the problems could have been easily resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot. But you know what? As much as stories like this usually tend to drive me crazy, I actually enjoyed this one. Patty Freedman and Zane Lasky both gave charming performances, even if their characters did things that didn’t always make sense. I was happy when they finally got together. This was a rare case where two passengers really did seem perfect for each other.

Finally, the third storyline featured Arthur Godfrey and Minnie Pearl as Ned and Molly, two seniors who were eloping. Looking to stop the marriage was Ned’s son, Francis (Warren Berlinger), and Molly’s daughter, Rowena (Elinor Donahue). Of course, Francis and Rowena fell in love and the episode ended with everyone planning to get married in a big double wedding. This story was pretty predictable and Berlinger and Donahue went a little bit overboard playing their characters as being uptight prudes in their first few scenes. But, still, at least everyone got a happy ending.

I liked this episode. The crew was likable, the passengers were charming, and everyone found love. Yay!