What Lisa Watched Tonight: The Killing Jar (directed by Mark Young)

Posted on September 3, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Earlier tonight, I happened to catch, on Chiller, the 2011 film The Killing Jar.

Why Was I Watching It?

I was hoping that, at some point, the classic Siouxsie and the Banshees song would show up on the soundtrack. It didn’t.

What’s It About?

I’m trying to work up the strength necessary to go into it all but basically, there’s this diner down south and one night, right around closing time, a news story comes over the radio about a brutal murder that was committed at a nearby farm. There’s only a few people left in the diner — a depressed waitress (Tara from Buffy, a.k.a. Amber Benson), a tough trucker (Kevin Gage), a wimpy deputy (Lew Temple), a mysterious stranger (Harold Perrineau), two teenagers who don’t matter, and the Danny Trejo-look alike who apparently owns the place (Danny Trejo). Anyway, all these people are so upset to hear about the murders that they blame them on the first surly stranger who happens to step into the diner. Unfortunately, that stranger is played by Michael Madsen and he responds by shooting up the place (Danny Trejo’s head explodes in close-up) and holding the survivors hostage. Things get a little bit more complicated when Mr. Greene (Jake Busey) shows up and reveals that someone at the diner happens to be a contract killer known as Mr. Smith. Guess what? It’s not Michael Madsen.

After typing all that, I feel I have a responsibility to add that this all sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is.

What Works

Well, the big “twist” is kinda obvious and you probably figured out just from reading the previous paragraph. However, it’s still kinda fun, kinda being the word to remember. Benson and Gage both give pretty good performances and Busey seems to be having a lot of fun. Madsen, to be honest, seems to be on the verge of falling asleep in a few scenes but still, he can say more with an annoyed eye squint than most actors can with a 10-page monologue. However, the film really belongs to the always underappreciated Harold Perrineau and his combative, confrontational scene with Madsen is one of the few instances when the film really comes to life.

Danny Trejo’s head explodes with style.

What Doesn’t Work

Oh. My. God. Where to begin?

I can count the number of succesful “hostage” films on one hand and let’s just say that The Killing Jar is no Dog Day Afternoon. Taking place entirely in one location and with a small cast mouthing melodramatic dialogue, The Killing Jar unfolds like one of those really bad plays that an ex-boyfriend of mine used to write in high school. They always ended with everyone dead and always seemed to feature at least one evil redhead who ended up crying over the dead body of her ex-boyfriend.

Director Young does not help matters by confusing tension with meaningless pauses. There’s a lot of scenes of people glaring at each other but since nobody really comes across like a human being, the glares don’t mean anything.

HOWEVER, what really didn’t work about this film was the fact that the first 20 minutes of the film was taken up with Amber Benson asking people if they wanted a slice of “Pecan Pie,” that she claimed was “the best this side of the Mason-Dixon.” The problem here is that the film was clearly meant to be set in my part of the world. And in my part of the world, we pronounce it “PEH-cahn.” However, Benson repeatedly pronounced it “PEE-can.” Seriously, this annoyed me more than words can express. Listen up all you aspiring filmmakers — if you’re going to insist on setting your crappy films in my part of the world, at least try to get the pronunciation right. Speaking for myself, I don’t have the slightest idea what a PEE-can is supposed to be but it sounds kinda nasty. I’ll take a PEH-cahn over a PEE-can any day.

PEH-cahn Pie. Good Lord, people, it’s not that difficult.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moments:

None.

Lessons Learned:

I have no desire to ever eat another pecan pie.

5 Performers Who Deserve A Role In A Tarantino Movie

Posted on May 13, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

One of the great things about watching a Quentin Tarantino film is the chance to see B-movie actors and various grindhouse veterans getting a chance to show off just how talented they actually are. Below are four men and one woman who, in a perfect world, would have a date with Tarantino in the near future.

1) Giovanni Lombardo Radice

Who is he? He’s one of the great Italian exploitation actors. He played a character named Charles Bukowski in Cannibal Apocalypse. He was Bob the Pervert in City of th Living Dead. Remember his little disco dance in House On The Edge of the Park? And who can forget him snorting cocaine, getting castrated, and shouting “Twatface!” in Cannibal Ferox? He was also a regular in the movies of Michele Soavi and though he hasn’t been as active in recent years, he can be seen in both Gangs of New York and the Omen remake.

Why Should Tarantino Use Him? Are you kidding? Because he rocks that’s why. Plus, Tarantino has said that he’s a fan and, in a documentary included on the Cannibal Apocalypse DVD, Radice expressed a desire to some day work with Tarantino. And, with his current bald look, Radice could easily play Mussolini if Tarantino wanted to make a prequel to Inglorious Basterds.

2) Tony Sirico

Who is He? He’s the Italian version of Danny Trejo, a real-life gangster who went to prison and then became an actor.

Why Should Tarantino Use Him? Because Paulie was my favorite character on The Sopranos. Sirico deserves at least one starring role in his post-prison career.

3) Colby Donaldson

Who Is He? Okay, Colby’s kinda been a little bit pathetic on the current season of Survivor but in his two previous appearances on the show, Colby was the man. In between reality show appearances, Colby has pursued a career as an actor and, surprisingly, he’s not half bad. His best post-Survivor role, though, was playing himself on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Why Should Tarantino Use Him? Because someday, Tarantino’s going to have to make an actual western and who would be better to star in it than my fellow Texan, Colby?

4) Fred J. Lincoln

Who is He? Lincoln has spent most of his career working in the porn industry but Lincoln has appeared in a few “mainstream” movies. Most infamously, he played “Weasel” in the original Last House On The Left. In the 70s, Lincoln was the owner of Plato’s Retreat, an infamous sex club in NYC. He’s also one of the central figures in Legs McNeil’s The Other Hollywood: The Uncensored Oral History of the Porn Film Industry .

Why Should Tarantino Use Him? David Hess got the majority of the attention but, of Last House’s trio of killers, Lincoln was the truly scary one. A cameo in a Tarantino movie would be the perfect way to pay credit to Lincoln’s role in one of the seminal exploitation films in history.

5) Catriona MacColl

Who is She? English actress who appeared in several exploitation films in the late 70s and early 80s. She is probably best known for starring in Fulci’s Beyond trilogy. Currently semi-retired from acting and living in France.

Why Should Tarantino Use Her? Because she starred in The Beyond, of course!

10 Movies I’m Looking Foward To and 5 That I Am Not And 1 That I’m Kinda Sorta Undecided On

Posted on May 6, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I had all six of my wisdom teeth extracted on Tuesday. Yes, you read that correctly. Not only where my all my wisdom teeth impacted but I had two extra ones as well. I was passed out during the operation and, to be honest, I wish I could be passed out for the recovery as well. I’m bruised, puffy, and it hurts to talk. In short, even with a healthy supply of Vicodin, I am miserable. Boo hoo.

However, one thing never fails to cheer me up and that’s watching, discussing, thinking about, and writing about film. Since Tuesday, I’ve had a lot of extra time to think about some of the films that are due to come out during this year. Below, I’ve listed 16 of them. Ten of them are movies that I’m looking forward to seeing, five are movies that I know I’m going to end up seeing and hating, and finally, one is a movie that I’m genuinely undecided on.

The Ten I’m Looking Forward To:

1) Iron Man 2 — Iron Man 2 is opening tomorrow and I’m exciting for several reasons. First off, I loved the first movie. Super hero adaptations usually bore me to tears but the first Iron Man was actually a lot of fun. Traditionally, sequels are disappointing but most of the people behind the 1st movie — director Jon Favreau, Robert Downey, Jr. and Gwynneth Paltrow — are returning. As well, you’ve got Mickey Rourke chewing the scenery and blowing things up, Sam Rockwell (who I love! love! love! — go and rent Moon if you haven’t seen it!) as a villain, and Scarlett Johansson (Lost in Translation is one of my all time favorite movies) kicking ass in black leather.

On a personal note, my friend Jeff once referred to me as “the Black Widow.” At first, I was a little taken back because I thought he was suggesting that I devoured my mates but fortunately for him, he then explained he was referring to a comic book character who, like me, has red hair. Anyway, for the longest time, that’s been an inside joke between the two of us. I’ve always been the Black Widow even though I have no idea who she actually is. So, imagine my delight when I found out that this is apparently the same character that Scarlett Johansson is playing in Iron Man 2! For that reason alone, I have to see this movie.

Finally, when I’m not obsessing on films, I work as a receptionist/secretary/file clerk/personal assistant and there are times when I’m sitting bored at my desk and I start to think about myself as if I were the character played by Gwynneth Paltrow. I’ll sit there and wonder if maybe my boss is secretly a costumed super hero. (I’m fairly sure that he’s not.) Strange as it may seem, Iron Man has become the fuel for my fantasies. (Release Date: May 7th, 2010 — T0morrow!)

2) Robin Hood — When it comes to English folklore, I tend to gravitate towards stories involving King Arthur accidentally sleeping with his half-sister and thousands of cocky knights vainly searching for the Holy Grail and getting killed in various macabre ways as a result. As a result, I really don’t know much about Robin Hood beyond the basics. I know that he was apparently some sort of socialist and that he liked to hang out in the forest with a bunch of “merry” men. To be honest, the whole idea of Robin Hood has always struck me as being childish and the character bores me. But I’m still looking forward to this latest Robin Hood film and I can explain it in 2 words: Russell Crowe. If anyone can make Robin Hood into an interesting — even compelling character — it would be Crowe. Director Ridley Scott also seems to be the ideal director for this movie and then toss in some speeches about taxation without representation and you’ve got the potential for the perfect Libertarian film. (Release Date: May 14th, 2010)

3) The Expendables — Yes, I am usually not a huge fan of action films and I’ve never quite understood how Sylvester Stallone ever became a star but I’m still looking forward to this movie. Why? Just judging from the trailer, every actor on the planet appears to have a role in the this film. I find Jason Stathan to be about as appealing as Sylvester Stallone but Jet Li and Mickey Rourke should both be fun to watch and who wouldn’t jump at the chance to see Eric Roberts play yet another villain? (Release Date: August 13th, 2010)

4) Splice — I nearly included Splice on my list of films that I’m not looking forward to because, I swear to God, the trailer for Splice is so dull that it could be used to torture prisoners at Gitmo. Add to that, I’ve never quite seen the appeal that Adrien Brody supposedly possesses as an actor. However, I’m willing to take a chance on Splice because 1) it also stars one of my personal role models, the wonderful actress, director, and activist Sarah Polley and 2) director Vincenzo Natali has promised to take a very European approach to the film’s horrors (i.e. lots of casual sex with the monster serving as a symbol for something deeper than just box office receipts). I’m looking forward to seeing if Splice can overcome Adrien Brody and live up to that promise. (Release date: June 4th, 2010)

5) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One — Okay, I admit it. I’m a fan. Don’t judge me. (Though I will also say that I think J.K. Rowling needs to get over herself in a major way.) It’ll be interesting to see what Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson do with themselves now that their indentured servitude is done with. Radcliffe, in particular, is capable of playing a lot more than just Harry Potter. (Release Date: November 19th, 2010)

6) Howl — James Franco as the late poet Allen Ginsberg? Strangely enough, I think the idea might work. (Release Date: September 24th, 2010)

7) Machete — Robert Rodriguez finally makes a film for someone other than his kids. How can you not be excited about the chance to see Robert De Niro and Jeff Fahey on-screen together? Plus, Lindsay Lohan (who really should just be allowed to live her life) gets a chance to remake her image playing a socialite with a gun. My hope is that if Machete finds success at the box office, Eli Roth will make Thanksgiving. (Release Date: September 3rd, 2010)

8 ) My Soul To Take — Wes Craven has had an odd career and, to be honest, I struggle sometimes with whether he’s truly a great horror filmmaker or if he’s just a journeyman director who has occasionally gotten lucky. Looking at his career, it’s hard not to wonder how the same guy who made the original Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes could also be responsible for something like Cursed? Regardless of how the actual film turns out, My Soul To Take will add another piece to the puzzle. This will be the first film to be both written and directed by Craven in 16 years. Hopefully, as in the majority of his better movies, Craven will be able to balance his commercial side with his sadistic side. (Release Date: October 29th, 2010)

9) Inception — My tastes usually run more towards horror than sci-fi but I find myself growing more excited about Inception with each passing day. Not only does the plot sound like it could have easily come from a long-lost book by Philip K. Dick (one of the few sci-fi writers that I enjoy reading, A Scanner Darkly being my personal favorite) but the film is being directed by Christopher Nolan who proved with Momento that he can make the surreal compelling. And just check out that cast — Leonardo DiCaprio, Cillian Murphy, Ellen Page, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who I’ve been crushing on ever since (500) Days of Summer). (Release date: July 16th, 2010.)

10) Salt — I love it when girls get to kick ass in the movies and, when she’s at her best, nobody kicks ass like Angelina Jolie. (Release Date: July 23rd, 2010)

One That I’m Kinda Looking Forward To But I’m Kinda Not

1) Sex and the City 2 — Why are they in the desert? How exactly can you have Sex without the City? (Release date: May 27th, 2010)

The Five I Am Not Looking Forward To

1) The A-Team — Yay! It’s an action movie based on a show I’ve never heard of. I love Liam Neeson and it’s good to see that Sharlto Copley’s underrated performance in District 9 has led to him getting more work but, sorry, I think I’ll pass. (Release Date: June 11th, 2010)

2) The Social Network — I know a lot of people are looking forward to this movie about the founding of Facebook and it is true that it’s being directed by David Fincher. However, there are a few things that lead me to fear that this is not going to be the movie that so many people think it will be. First off, it was written by Aaron Sorkin who is probably one of the most overrated screenwriters working today. He may be best known for The West Wing but most of Sorkin’s work resembles the heavy-handed sermonizing of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Remember how Sorkin reacted when a few bloggers criticized his show? This is not a guy who is comfortable with the Internet. Secondly, the film is being produced by Kevin Spacey, another overrated talent who doesn’t so much act as much as he smugly pretends to act. Third, and most important, The Social Network has got to be one of the worst titles I’ve heard in a long time. Everything about this movie just screams “misfire.” (Release date: October 1st, 2010)

3) Paranormal Activity 2 — Because, you know, the first one was so good. (Release Date: October 22nd, 2010)

4) Twelve — I loved Nick McDonnell’s novel and I usually enjoy movies about decadent rich kids destroying themselves with lots of drugs and promiscuity. I mean, if you’re going to self-destruct, you should at least look good doing it. Unfortunately, Twelve is directed by the American Umberto Lenzi, Joel Schumacher. Schumacher’s films aren’t even enjoyably bad. They’re just bad. Interestingly enough, Joel Schumacher tends to turn up in just about every movie star biography and Hollywood history book that I own. He’s someone who has obviously been around for a very long time and who has cultivated a lot of friends. I imagine he must be very likable in person. But, seriously, isn’t it time to revoke his DGA membership? (Release Date: July 2, 2010)

5) Saw VII — Sorry, I got bored with the Jigsaw Killer about five movies ago. The film’s in 3D so I’m sure we’ll get to see a severed limb fly directly at the camera. (Release Date: October 22nd, 2010)