Tonight, from 1976, we have The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.
In this special, actor and comedian Paul Lynde celebrates Halloween with Betty White, KISS, Donny and Marie Osmond, Florence Henderson, Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West), and I’m going to guess a mountain of cocaine that was probably sitting backstage.
This special is definitely a product of a very certain era in America’s cultural history.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This Week, “Bix”, a sapient robot, enslaves the crew…
I had not seen “The Love Boat” in forever and it’s really more of a variety show because there are all these straight forward/weird plot lines and song or dance numbers. I watched this episode with my daughters and they were quite confused as to why people were making all of these strange choices. My response:
I’m kind of an angry man; so, I will start with the storyline that infuriated me the most. Franklin (Peter Marshall) brings “Bix” AKA Robby The Robot on the ship. First, I dispute that he’s a robot. “Bix” had flashing lights and could say a few phrases, in that case, when I put up my sound sensitive Christmas lights – I have created robots! Second, the phrases he used hinted at a self-awareness that should’ve demanded Captain Stubing to destroy this evil thing! Third, it kept getting in the way of Franklin and Ruth (Karen Morrow) from knocking boots. Listen Bix, these people don’t have much time left and they clearly discovered a proto-Viagra; so get lost- you puritanical robot!
The next storyline was just weird. Steve (Grant Goodeve) who was somehow NOT on the original Battlestar Galactica and his wife Connie (Donna Pescow – Saturday Night Fever) cannot have children; so, they enlist a surrogate. It becomes very clear that no one knows what a surrogate is because they kept talking about how the baby would have the surrogates traits, meaning I believe they thought Steve was going to sleep with the surrogate- the 70s were weird! Connie, the wife, gets jealous because Steve becomes flirty with the surrogate and it all gets mooted because it turns out that Connie is pregnant, but they still slept with the surrogate anyway- just kidding.
The last storyline was all about Two Broke Girls (see what I did there). I found it really very depressing even with the dance number. Betsy (Betty White) was the trustee for Aunt Sylvia (Carol Channing), but it turns out that Sylvia is broke. Sylvia then, hilariously drops her ONLY asset, a diamond necklace, into the ocean, leaving them both penniless. These two intrepid and talented women, desperate for cash, had no choice, but to fight a series of opponents in juvenile-game-themed-death matches in Korea. Sadly, they were the only remaining opponents and had to face off where only one friend would leave with millions of dollars and years of regret! I will have to say that I was impressed with Betty White’s cunning when she was hunting the most dangerous game. This storyline was actually the basis for the Netflix hit “Squid Games”. I am kidding, they actually thought their poverty was hilarious. I did not understand.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, The Love Boat hosts a special event!
Episode 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”
(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)
This week, the Love Boat is hosting a wine tasting competition!
Basically, the contestants sit in the ballroom. They take a sip of wine. They then write down what type of wine they think they just tasted. All of the members of the crew and the majority of the passengers watch them. Seriously, it looks like the most boring thing ever. I mean, I get why the competitors are into it. The winner gets a lot of money. But why would you want to watch people drink? I mean, if you’re crazy into wine, it seems like you’d want to drink it yourself. What fun is there in watching other people drink something? I’ll just say that, if I was on a cruise, I would want to do other things. I would want lay out by the pool or look at the ocean or maybe solve a murder. What I would not want to do would be to spend hours watching other people drink and then spit.
Also, I have to wonder about the wisdom of hosting a wine tasting competition on a ship that’s captained by a recovering alcoholic. Did the show forget this key part of the captain’s character? Merrill Stubing is a recovering alcoholic and he lives his life with the rigorous discipline of someone who is trying to avoid falling back into old habits. It would seem like Captain Stubing would at least mention his alcoholic past in this episode, especially after Vicki says that she wishes she could take part in the contest. Wouldn’t this be a good time for Stubing to explain that an addictive personality can be hereditary?
I know, I know. I’m overthinking. It’s just because I found this episode to be remarkably dull. I mean, I love The Love Boat but this episode was just boring. The whole wine tasting thing just put me to sleep.
It didn’t help that the three stories weren’t particularly interesting.
Robert Guillaume and Leslie Uggams played the two finalists in the wine tasting competition. They each lied to the other about why they needed the money. Then they fell in love and they each threw the competition so the other could win the money. But since they both got the last wine wrong, no one won and no money was awarded. Wow, wine tasting is a harsh sport!
Tanya Tucker and Michael Goodwin played a married couple who got divorced every year so that they could get a tax break. This time, they sailed to Mexico for a quickie divorce. Tucker’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Walden, was on the cruise and Tucker was tempted to stay divorced. However, she and Goodwin eventually decided to get married a sixth time and to never get divorced again. I liked this story solely because it was about screwing over the IRS.
Finally, Betty White wanted to marry Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. but he instead fell for Betty White’s friend, Carol Channing. No worries though! Fairbanks gave Betty White a job so that she would no longer have to marry for money.
It was all pretty boring. As I said, I love this show but this episode tasted as flat as a French wine from 1178.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Come aboard, they’re expecting you!
Episode 4.7 “The Horse Lover/Secretary to the Stars/Julie’s Decision/Gopher and Isaac Buy a Horse/Village People Ride Again”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 22nd, 1980)
Well, let’s see who is sailing on the Love Boat this week….
Uh-oh.
That’s right! This week, The Village People are taking a cruise! The disco group boards the boat while singing — you guessed it — In The Navy. Captain Stubing is a huge fan of the Village People and he’s excited to learn that they will not only be sailing on the boat but they will also be performing their new song, Magic Night. Stubing mentions that he wishes he could be a village person. He’s already got a hat! And he’s served in the Navy! Stubing never gets around to whether or not he spent the night at YMCA and that’s probably a good thing.
This week, the boat is sailing to Acapulco for the Acapulco Steeplechase. The Village People have entered a horse in the race, one that will be ridden by the Indian. Gopher and Isaac have also bought a horse and entered it into the race. They name the horse “Captain Stubing” and they go through a lot of trouble to keep the real Captain Stubing from finding out that they have snuck the horse on board. The thing is, though — there are a lot of horses on board! Nearly every passenger has brought a horse with them and the boat actually has a stable to hold them all during the cruise. I’m not really sure why it’s a problem for Gopher and Isaac to have a horse, other than the fact that they both spend a lot of time checking in on the horse. “Where is my crew!?” Stubing demands, while looking around the ship.
Paul Willis (Alan Ludden) is traveling with both his horse and his wife, Louise (Betty White). Louise is upset that Paul seems to care more about the horse than her. Louise even considers having a fling with Cliff (David Doyle), a man who wants to buy Paul’s horse.
Meanwhile, wealthy playboy Bret Garrett (Robert Stack) boards the ship and immediately falls in love with Julie. Despite a 30-year age difference, Bret asks Julie to marry him. This is the fourth or fifth times that a passenger has proposed to Julie during the course of a cruise. Julie is happy but the crew worries that Bret might be too worldly and chronically unfaithful for Julie.
Finally, movie star Kim Holland (Loni Anderson) puts on glasses and a brunette wig and pretends to be an Englishwoman named Doris, all in order to keep people from bothering her on the cruise. Tom Benson (Charles Frank) is obsessed, to an almost creepy extent, with Kim. But then he falls in love with Doris, who he believes to be Kim’s secretary. Tom fails to notice that 1) Doris looks just like Kim, just with glasses and brown hair and 2) Doris’s British accent doesn’t sound British at all. Instead, it sounds like an American trying really hard to sound British.
The Steeplechase is won, rather easily, by Paul. Both Gopher and the Indian end up getting thrown off their horses and they engage in a footrace to the finish line, for reasons that are not exactly clear. After the race, Paul finally realizes how much he’s been neglecting Louise and he sells the horse to Cliff. Meanwhile, Captain Stubing says that, next year, he’ll buy a horse with Gopher and Isaac and they’ll enter the horse into the race together. As for Bret, he realizes that he’s not right with Julie and he pretends to cheat on her so that she’ll dump him.
And what about Kim? Well, she tells Tom the truth and also reveals that her real name is June. “Kim, Doris, June,” Tom says, “I can’t wait to get to know all three of you.” Uhmm …. okay, not creepy at all. Anyway, Tom and Kim leave the boat together but, right this episode ended, Kim appeared on an episode of Fantasy Island, in which she was again single and looking to escape her fame. So, I guess she dumped Tom after a week. Good for her! Tom was super creepy.
Finally, all that is left to do is to say goodbye to the Village People.
This episode was an odd one. Robert Stack was charming as Bret, even if he didn’t have much chemistry with Lauren Tewes. Loni Anderson was fairly terrible as Kim, just as she would be on Fantasy Island. And the Village People …. I mean, where do I even begin? For a group associated with both disco and gay liberation, they came across as being an oddly dull collection of characters. Of course, it’s doubtful that the target audience of The Love Boat knew what In The Navy was about or even understood why the members of the group were costumed the way that they were. At one point, the Construction Worker even gives Julie an appreciate glance, as if the show’s producers were saying, “See, those rumors are just rumors!”
That said, I tend to like the odd episodes of The Love Boat and this episode functioned as a time capsule, if nothing else. All it needed was Charo and it could have been put in a museum!
In case you hadn’t heard, U.S. Sen. Barbara Boxer has recently announced that she’s retiring in 2016. For the first time in decades, there’s going to be an open senate seat in California. There’s been a lot of speculation about who might run for the seat and, for the most part, it’s all been the usual political suspects. The state’s attorney general is running. A few congresspeople might run. Token billionaire Tom Steyer is thinking of getting into the race.
What disappoints me is that, as of right now, it doesn’t look like any celebrities are planning on running. You know what would have made the Golden Globes perfect? If George Clooney had announced his candidacy while accepting his Cecil B. DeMille award. (At the very least, it might have given Amal something to smile about, as opposed to just sitting there with a condescending smirk on her face. Seriously, what’s up with that?) But even beyond George Clooney, there’s all sorts of celebrities who could run. Charlie Sheen lives in California, after all. Jeff Bridges might not be able to run in Montana but what about California?
I was discussing this with a friend of mine who suggested that Betty White should run because who could vote against Betty White? Speaking for myself, I could easily vote against Betty White but I do think there would be something appropriate about Betty White serving in the U.S. Senate. After all, in 1962, she played a senator in Otto Preminger’s political epic, Advice & Consent.
White played Sen. Bessie Adams of Kansas and was only given a few minutes of screen time. She’s one of many performers to show up in Advise & Consent‘s version of the U.S. Senate.
For instance, Walter Pidgeon plays Sen. Bob Munson, who is the Senate majority leader and, as a result, the closest thing that this sprawling film has to a central character. His job is to make sure the President’s agenda is pushed through Congress.
And then there’s Peter Lawford, as Sen. Lafe Smith, who always has a different girl leaving his hotel room. When Advise & Consent was made, Lawford was President Kennedy’s brother-in-law. Interestingly enough, one of Kennedy’s former girlfriends — actress Gene Tierney — shows up in the film as well, playing Bob Munson’s lover.
George Grizzard plays Sen. Fred Van Ackerman, who is about as evil as you would expect someone named Fred Van Ackerman to be. Grizzard gives one of the better performances in the film, which just goes to prove that it’s more fun to play an evil character than a good one.
Don Murray is Sen. Brigham Anderson, a senator who is being blackmailed by Van Ackerman’s lackeys. Despite being happily married to Mabel (Inga Swenson), Anderson is leading a secret life as a gay man. The scene where Anderson steps into a gay bar may seem incredibly tame today but it was reportedly very controversial back in 1962.
And finally, there’s Sen. Seabright Cooley. You may be able to guess, just from his overly prosaic name, that Cooley is meant to be a southerner. That, of course, means that he wears a white suit, is constantly fanning himself, and speaks in lengthy metaphors. Sen. Cooley is played by Charles Laughton, who overacts to such a degree that I’m surprised that there was any oxygen left over for anyone else.
All of these senators have been tasked with deciding whether or not Robert Leffingwell (Henry Fonda) will be the next secretary of state. Fonda, not surprisingly, is the epitome of urbane liberalness in the role of Leffingwell. However, Leffingwell has a secret. Back in the 1930s, Leffingwell was a communist. When Sen. Cooley introduces a witness (Burgess Meredith) who can confirm this fact, Leffingwell offers to withdraw as the nominee. However, the President (Franchot Tone) refuses to allow Leffingwell to do so. Instead, with the help of Van Ackerman, he tries to pressure Anderson into supporting Leffingwell’s nomination.
This, of course, leads to melodrama and tragedy.
As far as literary adaptations directed by Otto Preminger are concerned, Advise & Consent is better than Hurry Sundown while being nowhere to close to being as good as Anatomy of a Murder. It’s a film that is occasionally entertaining, often draggy, and, if just because of all the different acting styles to be found in the cast, always interesting to watch.
And, for what it’s worth, Betty White makes for a convincing senator. So, perhaps the people of California should watch Advise & Consent before voting for Tom Steyer…
Through the Shattered Lens 