Tag Archives: Barbi Benton

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.15 “Ponch’s Angels: Part Two”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch continues to train Melanie and Paula.

Episode 4.15 “Ponch’s Angels: Part Two”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on March 1st, 1981)

We pick up where we stopped last week.  A man and his girlfriend are stealing purses and wallets at the marina.  Three escaped convicts are in a deserted house and digging for buried treasure.  Ponch and Jon are having to train two new motorcycle cops, Paula (Barbara Stock) and Melanie (Trisha Townsend).  When last we checked in, Ponch was kissing Melanie.  This episode opens with Ponch telling Melanie that they can never kiss again.

Ponch and Baker continue to train Paula and Melanie.  Ponch decides to switch with Baker.  He trains Paula while Baker works with Melanie.  But then almost the entire highway patrol comes down with the flu and, when Baker is put in charge while Getraer recovers at home, Ponch finds himself to work with both Paula and Melanie.  Once again, it’s all on Ponch because it’s The Ponch Show!

It’s all a bit exhausting to try to keep up with, to be honest.  Ponch and Baker spend this episode wondering whether or not women actually could handle being motorcycle cops.  Baker especially seems to be confused at the idea of a woman driving a motorcycle.  One gets the feeling that Ponch is just mad because he knows he’ll get fired if he tries to make a move on either woman.  Almost this entire episode is made up of Ponch trying to keep track of who is riding with who.

Luckily, Paula and Melanie prove themselves by catching the purse snatchers and also helping to catch the escaped convicts.  Good for them!  At the end of the opposite, they toss their motorcycle helmets in the air and leap for joy.  The picture freezes while Ponch and Baker have a good laugh.

I was not surprised to read that this episode was meant to be a backdoor pilot for a Paula/Melanie show.  Stock and Townsend were both likable and they acted well opposite each other so I could actually imagine them starring in a fairly entertaining series.  It didn’t happen, though.  Maybe the network felt that Ponch and Jon didn’t need the competition.

This was an okay episode of The Ponch Show.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.14 “Ponch’s Angels: Part 1”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, Ponch protests having to do his job.

Episode 4.14 “Ponch’s Angels: Part 1”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on February 28th, 1981)

It’s a busy week for the Highway Patrol!  The marina is full of tourists and carnival-goers.  A group of escaped convicts are trying to get out of town.  A man and his partner are stealing purses.  But all of that pales in comparison to what Jon and Ponch are having to do.

Jon and Ponch are having to train rookies!

Even worse, from their perspective …. the rookies are women!

Ponch protests when he’s given the assignment to train enthusiastic and blonde Melanie Mitchell (Trisha Townsend).  He tells Getraer that Melanie is attractive and that Getraer knows what happens when Ponch gets around attractive women.  Getraer replies that he wants Ponch to train Melanie precisely because Ponch has so many girlfriends.  A man with many girlfriends will be less likely to be tempted.  Okay, Getraer, that’s interesting logic….

And it turns out that Getraer doesn’t know what he’s talking about because this episode ends with Ponch and Melania passionately locking lips.  “TO BE CONTINUED” flashes on the screen so I guess we’ll get to the disciplinary hearing and the subsequent lawsuit next week.

As for Jon, he trains Paula Woods (Barbara Stock), who is as cool and reasonable as Melanie is enthusiastic and impulsive.  Paula tries to flirt with Jon but Jon keeps it all business because Jon is capable of actually doing his job in a professional manner.

What’s odd about this episode is that it’s called Ponch’s Angels, even though Ponch is only training one of the new motorcycle cops.  This season, even the episode titles were all about erasing Jon Baker!

Anyway, as I mentioned, this is the first part of a two-parter.  Apparently, this episode was actually a backdoor pilot for a series that would have focused on Melanie and Paula and it’s easy to see that Melanie was created to be another Ponch while Paula was created to be a female Jon.  Next week, we’ll see if Paula and Melanie can make use of the lessons they were taught by Jon and Ponch.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s all about the power of imagination.

Episode 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 9th, 1982)

After being absent last week, Tattoo returns for this episode.  That means that Julie, once again, is too busy on the other side of the Island to assist Mr. Roarke this week.  The excuse that the show’s writer come up with to explain Julie’s absence is that she accidentally opened up a box of Fantasy Island butterflies that were meant to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo.  Now, Julie has to catch all of the butterflies.  Good luck, Julie!

As for the fantasies, they both deal with imagination.

Clarissa Bevis (Britt Ekland) is a librarian who is single because she’s never met a real-life man who can compare to Heathcliffe from Clarissa’s favorite novel, Wuthering Heights.  Clarissa wants to enter the world of the novel so that she can meet Heathcliffe and hopefully put her obsession with him behind her.  Mr. Roarke grants her fantasy but warns her that she must not change the plot of the book in any way.  That strikes me as an odd rule because it’s not as if Clarissa is traveling into the past.  She’s entering her imagination so why would it matter if she decided to do what so many other readers have done and imagine a different ending to her favorite novel?

Clarissa finds herself approaching Wuthering Heights.  Heathcliffe (Hugh O’Brian) sees her and declares that his beloved Catherine has come back to life.  Meanwhile, Edgar Linton (Richard Anderson) believes that this proves Heathcliffe has gone mad and starts to plot to have Heathcliffe declared insane so that Edgar can claim Wuthering Heights and all of its farmland as his own.  To be honest, if we’re in Clarissa’s imagination, I can only assume that she’s only seen a movie version of Wuthering Heights because neither Heathcliffe nor Edgar behave like their characters in the book  (In particular, Edgar is portrayed as being a cartoonishly evil villain.)  And, it should be noted, no mention is made of Cathy, Linton, Hindley, Isabella, Harleton, or any of the book’s other characters.  How is Clarissa supposed to stay true to the plot of a book that she’s never read?

As for the other fantasy, Francis Elkins (Bob Denver) is a maker and dresser of mannequins,  He’s fallen in love with one of his mannequins — “Hey, that’s not creepy at all,” I say while dramatically rolling my eyes — and his fantasy is for her to come to life.  Roarke gives Francis a magical medallion thing that Francis uses to bring Courtney (Barbi Benton) to life, with the understanding that Courtney will only be human for two days.  Eager to live as much life as possible, Courtney uses the medallion to bring to life three other mannequins to serve as the members of her squad.  She also flirts with two salesmen (Larry Storch and Joey Forman) by telling them that’s she’s from Bloomingdale’s (“Oh yeah,” Storch says, “that town in Indiana,”) and that she’s only six years old.  Fortunately, Francis’s love for Courtney is so strong that Courtney remains human even after the two days are up.

At the start of this fantasy, Roarke promises Tattoo that it will be the most delightful fantasy ever.  Barbi Benton did a good job in the role of Courtney and she certainly showed more comedic timing here than she did during previous visits to the Island.  But I don’t know …. the whole falling in love with a mannequin thing was a little too creepy to be delightful.

That said, this was an entertaining episode, even if neither fantasy really worked.  Barbi Benton got to show off her comedic timing and the Wuthering Heights fantasy was enjoyably melodramatic, even if it got the book wrong and even though all-American Hugh O’Brian was not exactly the most convincing Heathcliffe.  This was a nice enough trip to the Island.

I wonder if Julie ever found those butterflies.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.2 “The Devil and Mr. Roarke/Ziegfeld Girls/Kid Corey Rides Again”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

This week is a busy one as Mr. Roarke deals with several guests, a new assistant …. AND THE DEVIL!

Episode 5.2 “The Devil and Mr. Roarke/Ziegfeld Girls/Kid Corey Rides Again”

(Dir by Don Chaffey, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

The plane lands at the Island, carrying four people in search of a fantasy.  Waiting to greet them are Mr. Roarke, Tattoo, and Julie.  After being told that she wasn’t ready to greet the guests last week, Julie has finally been promoted.  And if you thought that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo occasionally had an awkward chemistry, it’s nothing compared to how awkward things feel with a third person cheerfully taking part in their conversations.  Wendy Schaal is likable enough as Julie but it’s hard to understand why, in-universe, the character is there.

As for our guests, Joan (Barbi Benton in old-age makeup) and Rubi (Audrey Landers, in even more old-age makeup) are former Ziegfeld girls who want to relive their youth.  Joan’s niece, Billie (Betty Kennedy), is appearing in a Ziegfeld-style revue that is being directed by Carl Wagner (Dack Rambo).  Mr.  Roarke agree to make Rubi and Joan young again, with the understanding that it will only be for the weekend and that they can’t tell anyone about their fantasy while they’re experiencing it.  The women agree and are overjoyed when they are transformed into their younger selves.  (I’m going to guess that Benton and Landers were probably even happier to ditch the old age makeup.)  Rubi promptly decides to steal Carl away from Billie.  Joan is shocked by Rubi’s behavior and she has to decide whether to allow her friend to live her fantasy or to tell the truth about what she and Rubi are doing on the island.

Also going into the past is a meek shoe salesman named Ned Plummer (Arte Johnson).  Ned wants to go back to the old west so that he can meet his hero, outlaw Kid Corey.  Corey is famous for disappearing after pulling off a million dollar robbery.  Ned even has an old picture of Corey in which Corey possesses a definite resemblance to Ned himself.  Mr. Roarke warns Ned that, when he goes to the past, the bullets will be real and he won’t be able to return to the present until his fantasy is over.  Given a magic horse, Ned rides into the past and promptly meets Kid Corey (Jack Elam).

It turns out that Kid Corey doesn’t look like Ned.  It also turns out that Kid Corey is not the Robin Hood-type figure that he was made out to be in the history books.  Kid Corey isn’t even a Kid!  He’s an irascible old man who doesn’t lift a finger when Ned is arrested by Sheriff Matt (Cameron Mitchell, naturally enough), taken to jail, and sentenced to hang.  Oh no!  It sound like it’s time for Mr. Roarke to save Ned, right?  Well, Mr. Roarke is busy with another situation so it’s Tattoo who shows up in Ned’s fantasy and, oddly, Tattoo doesn’t seem to be that worried about Ned getting executed.  Maybe Tattoo is planning on blaming it all on Julie.  (That said, it is nice to see Tattoo get to do something more than just as Mr. Roarke questions.  In this episode, Herve Villechaize seems to be enjoying the chance to show off his snarky side.)

What is occupying Mr. Roarke’s attention?  Well, Satan (Roddy McDowall) has returned to the Island.  He claims that he’s just looking for a relaxing weekend but it soon becomes obvious that, once again, he wants Roarke’s soul.  Mr. Roarke warns Julie to be careful what she says around the Devil.  So, of course, Julie promptly offers to give away her soul.

Now, in Julie’s defense, she was trying to save a guest who was drowning in quicksand and what she said is that she would do anything to save the guest’s life.  Satan hears and saves the guest in return for Julie giving him her soul at midnight.  Still, I have to wonder why Julie hadn’t been previously trained on how to pull someone out of quicksand.  I mean, if she’s ready to meet the guests then I would think that Roarke would have given her quicksand training.  That really seems like the first thing that someone should learn when they start working on Fantasy Island.

(For that matter, why is there so much quicksand on a resort!?)

Satan — surprise! — is willing to call off his deal with Julie in return for Roarke giving up his soul at midnight.  Roarke agrees but then he tricks Satan by singing a contract transferring possession of his soul to Julie.  Since Roarke’s soul is now Julie’s, Roarke can’t get give it away.  Because the overly cocky Satan spends too much time gloating and then gets upset over being conned, he loses track of time and the midnight hour passes without Satan taking anyone’s souls.

(I’m not sure if any of this would hold up in court but, to be honest, I don’t really know much about contract law.)

With three stories and a new sidekick to introduce, this was a very busy episode.  The Ziegfeld and the Old West fantasies were nicely done.  The Ziegfeld costumes were to die for and Jack Elam was memorably uncouth in the role of Kid Corey.  That said, as you can probably guess, the main attraction here is Roddy McDowall hamming it up as the Devil.  He and Montalban both seem to be having a lot of fun in this episode and their confrontation is entertaining to watch.  I wish Julie hadn’t been portrayed as being such a naive fool but still, this was an enjoyable weekend on the Island.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.13 “The Man From Yesterday/World’s Most Desirable Woman”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, the Island is full of damn liars.

Episode 4.13 “The Man From Yesterday/World’s Most Desirable Woman”

(Dir by Robert C. Thompson, originally aired on January 31st, 1981)

Bill Keating (Martin Milner) is a photojournalist who has reported from some of the most war-torn areas of the world.  He has spent years searching for a notorious mercenary named Calvin Doyle (Dennis Cole) and he believes that he has finally tracked Doyle down to Fantasy Island.  Bill swears to Mr. Roarke that his fantasy is to only do an interview with Doyle.

Of course, Bill’s lying.  Once Bill tracks down Doyle and discovers that Doyle has not only renounced his previous ways but is also the foster father of three native children, Bill reveals that his true fantasy is to shoot Doyle and get revenge for all the terrible things that Doyle did during his former life.

Marsha (Barbi Benton) is a frumpy, 39 year-old woman who says that she just wants to know what it’s like to be young and beautiful for a weekend.  Maybe she could even enter and win The World’s Most Desirable Woman pageant that’s being held on Fantasy Island.  Mr. Roarke and Tattoo take Marsha to the Island’s fountain of youth.  Marsha enters the fountain as a 39 year-old wearing a modest one-piece bathing suit.  She steps out of the fountain as a 21 year-old wearing a bikini.

Of course, Marsha isn’t being totally honest about her motives.  She is married to Hal Garnett (Bert Convy), the owner of Erotic Magazine and the sponsor of the pageant!  Her fantasy is to get revenge on Hal for all the years in which he’s neglected her for the younger women who appear in his magazine.

Two fantasies, two liars.  Mr. Roarke is fairly busy this week, showing up frequently in both fantasies (and even singing at the Most Desirable Woman pageant).  Mr. Roarke warns Marsha that she is getting too caught up in her newdound beauty.  Mr. Roarke also warns Calvin that Bill Keating wants to kill him.  Roarke allows Keating to take his shot at Calvin but he also arranges for the confrontation to happen on a rickety bridge so that the wounded Calvin can escape into the water below.  It’s interesting to see Roarke getting involved for once and Ricardo Montalban knew exactly how to deliver the character’s occasionally ominous lines.  Still, you have to wonder why he let these two liars on the Island on the first place.  Usually, he has pretty firm rules about stuff like this.  What if the bridge hadn’t broken and Doyle had died?  Mr. Roarke would look pretty dumb.

Fortunately, it all works out.  Having faked his own death, Doyle is able to leave the Island with his children.  And Marsha is informed that she will not go back to being 39 at the end of the weekend but will instead remain 21 and just age naturally.  Hal freaks out, realizing that men are going to be chasing his wife.  Roarke tells him that he better be good to her.

(Of course, Tattoo later takes a picture of Marsha and is shocked to see that picture is of the old Marsha, suggesting that the young Marsha is just an illusion that only Marsha, Hal, and I guess Tattoo can see.  It’s weird.)

Barbi Benton and Dennis Cole were regular guests to Fantasy Island and they both do well with their roles.  All of the lying felt a bit out-of-place for this show but at least Roarke got to be an active force in both fantasies.  All in all, this was a good trip to the Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.5 “The Love Doctor/The Pleasure Palace”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, Roarke and Tattoo are still ignoring each other.

Episode 4.5 “The Love Doctor/The Pleasure Palace”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy and Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 22nd, 1980)

The plane has arrived and, once again, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo head down to the docks to meet their guests.  And, as with the previous season four episodes, it’s hard not to notice that neither Ricardo Montalban nor Herve Villechaize are willing to look at each other while delivering their lines.  I feel a little bit bad about having started almost every recent review by mentioning the obvious hostility between the two of them but it’s impossible not to notice.  Previously, one of the show’s greatest strengths was the playful banter between Roarke and Tattoo and, when it’s gone, it’s impossible not to notice the absence.

Speaking of hostility, Gordon Hughes (Gary Burghoff) seem to have a lot resentment against the world.  Thanks to the inheritance that he received from his grandmother, Gordon has graduated from law school and he is on the verge of joining a top law firm.  But, before he does so, he wants to go back in the past and discover how his grandmother made all of her money.  Mr. Roarke takes Gordon to a recreation of the saloon that his grandmother owned in turn-of-the-century San Francisco.  Gordon takes a sip of brandy and is transported into the past.  He quickly discovers that …. HIS GRANDMOTHER OWNED A BROTHEL!

At first, Gordon is upset about this discovery.  But then he falls in love with one of his grandmother’s employees, a waitress named Molly (Barbie Benton).  And then he stands up to a crooked cop (Dane Clark).  And then he meets his grandmother (Ruta Lee) and discovers that she was tough and refused to let anyone push her around.  Gordon realizes that he should be proud of his grandmother and his heritage and that he wants to be with Molly.  But then the San Francisco earthquake hits and Gordon is abruptly transported to the present.  Not to worry, though!  It turns out Molly was also a guest having a fantasy and she and Gordon board the airplane home together.

This fantasy — which featured a lot of nice clothes and period detail — would have been effective if not for Gary Burghoff’s rather off-putting performance as Gordon.  Seriously, Gordon came across as being such an uptight and self-righteous prig that it was difficult to have much sympathy for him.  Of course, that was kind of the point.  Gordon was supposed to be a snob but Burghoff made him such a convincing and such a committed snob that it was hard to believe that he could have changed his ways just over the course of a few days.

The second guest is actress Kim Holland (Loni Anderson), who is the biggest star in the world after appearing in only three movies.  She wants a break from being a star so Mr. Roarke arranges for her to serve as a nurse in a remote clinic that is run by the gruff Dr. Greg Miller (Christopher George).  Kim finds a purpose in life helping Dr. Miller but, when they’re kidnapped by a native tribe, Dr. Miller reveals that he has always known who Kim is.  Dr. Miller plays one of her movies for the tribe, convincing them that Kim is a goddess.  Miller goes on to explain that he’s been in love with Kim ever since he first saw her on screen.  Seeing as Kim’s fantasy was to not be recognized for a few days, it would seem that Roarke failed to keep up his end of the bargain.  But it doesn’t matter because Kim and Greg are in love.  This fantasy could have worked with perhaps a different actress in the role of Kim.  Loni Anderson gave such a blank performance as Kim that it was hard to really believe her either as a movie star or a nurse.

(Interestingly enough, the character of Kim Holland also appeared on the episode of The Love Boat that aired right before this episode.  So, if nothing else, this is the first Love Boat/Fantasy Island cross-over.  Incidentally, I’ll be reviewing that episode of The Love Boat in a few more months.)

This was a fairly forgettable episode.  The island was lovely to look at and I’m glad that everyone found love but I just wish Mr. Roarke and Tattoo could be friends again.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.13 “Not Now, I’m Dying/Too Young to Love/Eleanor’s Return”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Captain Stubing’s in love again.  Things don’t work out.

Episode 3.13 “Not Now, I’m Dying/Too Young To Love/Eleanor’s Return”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin and Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

The first thing that I noticed about this episode is that the name of guest star Jon Cypher was misspelled as “Jon Cyphers” on his intro card.  I’m sure that Cypher appreciated that.  Jon Cypher may never have been a household name but he appeared in several movies and a ton of television shows, usually cast as autocratic authority figures.  Misspelling his name is an odd error for a guest star-driven show like The Love Boat to make.

The other thing I noticed was that Jill Whelan was not listed in the opening credits and indeed, Vicki is not in the episode.  The simple explanation is that this episode was originally meant to air before Stubing adopted Vicki.  Still, I did find myself wondering if maybe Captain Stubing finally realized that it was kind of weird for a 12 year-old to live on a cruise ship.  Vicki living on the ship has always confused me.  I mean, she’s 12 and she’s apparently now working for the cruise line.  Shouldn’t she be in school?  Does she have a tutor on the boat?  I mean, how is any of this legal?

Captain Stubing didn’t say anything about Vicki in this episode but that’s because he was devoting most of his attention to Eleanor (Barbara Rush).  Eleanor previously appeared during the second season, during which Stubing fell for her.  Stubing is excited that Eleanor will be taking the cruise for a second time but, before he can ask her out, Eleanor is approached by Russell Evans (Jon Cyphers Cypher).  Russell asks Eleanor to dance with him and Stubing can only watch helplessly as Eleanor has a whirlwind romance with Russell.  Unfortunately, Russell turns out to be a bit of a cad but, by the time time Eleanor realizes this, the cruise is almost over!  Stubing chastely comforts her and I did appreciate that the show didn’t have her just magically get over her broken heart and have her hook up with the Captain.  At the end of the cruise, Eleanor says goodbye once again and Stubing can only hope that she’ll take a third trip on the boat.

While this is going on, Doc is excited because his friend, Lucy (Barbi Benton), has boarded the boat with her fiancé, Peter Welch (Dack Rambo).  Lucy is really enthusiastic about getting married but Peter’s not sure if he wants to settle down.  So, in an example of incredibly weird thinking, Peter lies and tells Lucy that he’s dying of a tropical disease and it wouldn’t be fair of him to marry her.  When Lucy tells Doc the news, Doc informs Lucy that Peter’s disease doesn’t exist.  In order to get back at Peter, Lucy arranges for Peter to be examined by Doc.  The plan is for Doc to violate his Hippocratic oath and risk his medical license by giving Peter a false diagnosis.  However, Doc discovers that Peter actually is sick.  He has Lou Gehrig’s Disease.  This leads to Peter and Lucy realizing that they really do love each other.

Finally, two underage kids — Terry (Timothy Patrick Murphy) and Monica (Christen Kauffmann) — board the boat under false names and check into the honeymoon cabin so that they can take their relationship to the next level.  However, Monica is the daughter of one of the cruise line’s executives and, when he discovers what is going on, he orders Stubing to keep the kids apart.  Since Stubing is more interested in pursuing Eleanor, he gives the job to Gopher.

Instead of just confronting the kids about lying to get the honeymoon suite and assigning them to different cabins, Gopher decided to rely on his mastery of disguise.  Gopher disguises himself as both an old man and a bearded Scotsman and continually makes sure that Terry and Monica never get any time alone.  Terry is annoyed but Monica is happy because she’s not sure if she actually wants to lose her virginity to a handsome and considerate guy who has enough money to afford a luxurious cabin on a cruise ship.

This episode was …. well, it was okay.  It was a typical episode of The Love Boat, in that everyone was attractive and the boat looked really nice.  With the exception of Eleanor’s story, this was a fairly superficial 45 minutes.  That said, it was a pleasant episode even if it wasn’t particularly memorable.

October Hacks: X-Ray (dir by Boaz Davidson)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1982 film X-Ray (also known was Hospital Massacre) opens in the early 60s.  A nerdy kid named Harold gives a Valentine’s Day card to a popular girl named Susan.  Susan takes one look at the card and laughs.  Harold responds by taking Susan’s friend, David, and hanging him from a coat rack.  Yikes!

The film then jumps forward by 19 years.  Susan (Barbi Benton) is an upper class, divorced mom who has just received a promotion at work.  As a part of the promotion, she was required to get a medical exam for insurance purposes.  On Valentine’s Day, she heads to the hospital so that she can get the results of that exam.  It should be a routine thing that only takes a few minutes.  Susan may be a  chain smoker but, otherwise, she’s in good health.

Unfortunately, Harold is now working at the hospital and he finally sees his chance to give Susan “a piece of my heart.”  Harold fakes Susan’s test results and then murders her doctor.  Susan finds herself being checked into the hospital, pretty much against her will.  Since Harold didn’t do a very good job at faking her results, the doctors are all confused by Susan’s results.  Some of them want to operate.  Some of them just want to hold her for observation.  Susan desperately wants to leave, especially when she comes to realize that Harold is killing people in the ward.  As the doctors and nurses strap Susan down to her bed and prepare to operate, Harold goes on a rampage….

Produced by Cannon Films and directed by Boaz Davidson, X-Ray is an effectively frightening slasher film.  While the film’s plot doesn’t always hang together (for instance, Susan is remarkably untraumatized by the fact that, when she was a child, her best friend was hung from a coat rack), the hospital itself is a thoroughly creepy location and the supporting characters are all either extremely strange or extremely callous.  This is a slasher film that works less because of the blood that’s spilled but instead because it captures the dread that everyone feels at the prospect of having to spend any time at the hospital.  Even the doctors who aren’t trying to kill Susan come across as being cold and unfeeling.  The scene where Susan finds herself being ordered to undress so that she can be examined by a brusque doctor who she only met a few minutes before is, quite frankly, just as nightmarish as anything that we see Harold doing to any of his victims.  The fact that no one is willing to tell Susan what’s wrong and that everyone refuses to listen to her when she gets upset over the way she’s being treated is something to which many viewers will immediately relate.  And, of course, it’s not just that Susan has a madman stalking her through the hospital.  It’s also that all of the other patients seem to be so strange, from the guy who wanders around with his flask of bourbon to the three old women who share a hospital room with her and who talk about how, while Susan is beautiful on the outside, the inside of her body is slowly decaying.

Violent but quirky, X-Ray plays out like a filmed nightmare and it’s one of the most effective slasher films over the early 80s.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Leslie Nielsen returns to Fantasy Island!

Episode 3.17 “Playgirl/Smith’s Valhalla”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on January 26th, 1980)

This week, Tattoo is super excited because one of the guests is Erica Clark (Barbie Benton), a famous centerfold for Rooster Magazine!  Erica, however, no longer models.  As she explains to Mr. Roarke, she grew tired of men treating her as just being a sex object.  Indeed, her fantasy is to be able to treat men the same way!  (Today, of course, Erica could save however much money she spent for the fantasy by simply watching clips of Magic Mike on YouTube.)

In perhaps the simplest fantasy that Mr. Roarke has ever put together, he sends Erica to the Island’s famed Jackrabbit Club, where men dance while women watch.  Again, to be clear, all Mr. Roarke had to do was send her to the island’s version of Chippendales.  I mean, Erica could have just done that on her own.  Anyway, Erica witnesses one of the dancers, Walter Wilde (Fabian Forte), getting fired for refusing to go along with being sexually harassed by one of the women in the audience.  Relating to Walter, his desire to go to medical school, and his life as a single father to Dinah (Heather McAdam), Erica agrees to come out of retirement and pose (in a bikini with a big rooster tail hooked on the back) for the club’s owner, Big Earl Sanderson (Denny Miller).  However, when Big Earl demands that Erica do more than just pose, Walter is there to punch him out.

Anyway, it turns out that Dinah’s fantasy was for Walter to fall in love and Roarke combined her fantasy with Erica’s, presumably to save some money.  So, Erica, Walter, and Dinah leave the island together and I guess Erica learns that …. well, I’m not sure anyone learned anything.  This was a pretty weak fantasy that claimed to be about treating men as sex objects but spent the majority of time looking for excuses to put Barbi Benton in a bikini.  Seriously, Jackrabbit was the tamest male strip club I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, the Island finds itself in what should be an international incident after a group of dirty commies hijack a plane and make it land at an abandoned Fantasy Island airport.  The communists say that they are doing this because they have to get people to pay attention to their cause but it’s hard not to notice that there’s next to no media coverage of the events, there are no soldiers or police surrounding the airport, and Mr. Roarke merely shrugs it off.

The only person who does care is Jason Smith (Hugh O’Brian), whose fantasy is to lead a combat mission.  The fantasy becomes personal for Jason when he discovers that his wife (Emily Banks) is one of the hostages!  Mr. Roarke arranges to Jason to work with three combat experts.

Buck Tanner (Sean Garrison) is an explosives expert who suffers from war flashbacks.

“Weasel” Forbes (Charlies Dierkop) is a wild sniper.

And French soldier of fortune Emile Bouvier is …. LESLIE NIELSEN!

Yes, this episode of Fantasy Island features Leslie Nielsen is one of the last of his “serious” roles, playing a French mercenary by wearing a red beret and not even attempting an accent.  Bouver is tough and no-nonsense, as we learn when he catches Buck drinking on the job.

Anyway, Jason is able to rescue his wife and the other hostages and the communists are all arrested and hopefully sacrificed to the Fantasy Island mermaid.  Bouvier sacrifices his life to save Jason’s but Mr. Roark explains that it was no big deal because Bouvier was dying anyways and his fantasy was to end his life doing something heroic.  Once again, it appears that Mr. Roarke saved some money by combining fantasies.  Was Fantasy Island feeling the effects of the Carter recession?  Perhaps.

Other than Leslie Nielsen playing a serious role, probably the most interesting thing about this episode is that Mr. Roarke and Tattoo barely spoke to each other over the course of it.  There was none of the usual comedic banter or anything like that.  Indeed, even in the scenes greeting and saying goodbye to their guests, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize refused to every look at each other.  Obviously, it wasn’t all happy days on Fantasy Island.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week’s episode is saved by the one and only Herve Villechaize.

Episode 3.4 “Baby/Marathon”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 5th, 1979)

Fantasy Island is going to be hosting a marathon competition so Tattoo decides to greet Mr. Roarke while carrying a replica of the Olympic Torch.

Tattoo proceeds to light a huge flame in a cauldron.  A group of Islanders start trying to splash water on the fire, leading to Tattoo yelling at them to leave the flame alone.  Mr. Roarke, who appears to be even more disgusted than usual with Tattoo’s antics, barks at his assistant to put on his tuxedo and head down to the docks so that they can greet their guests.

Bunny Kelly (Barbi Benton), Gretchen Wasserman (Arlene Golanka), and Olaf Olafsen (Peter Isacksen) have all come to the Island so that Olaf can compete in the marathon and hopefully win enough money to keep their barbell factory open.  (Don’t blame me, I didn’t write this script.)  When Olaf is injured while trying to lift some weights, Bunny enters the marathon in his place!  (At first, Bunny tries to disguise herself as Olaf but, when that doesn’t work, Mr. Roarke declares that Bunny can compete as herself.)

Can Bunny defeat the men who have shown up to run the marathon?  Well, it won’t be easy.  Bruno Glass (Bruce M. Fischer) is so evil that he often stops in the middle of the race so that he can laugh at everyone else’s misfortune.  Helping out Bruno is his trainer, Dr. R.M. Funk (Dick Martin).  Using techniques that would be more appropriate for a cartoon, Bruno sabotages the other racers.  Somehow, Bruno is able to do this despite the fact that the entire race is being televised live to the world.  Fear not!  With the help of friendly competitor Eugene (Paul Petersen), Kitty makes it to the finish line.  When both Kitty and Eugene sprain an ankle towards the finish line, they carry each other to a tied victory!  The factory is saved and everyone falls in love!

As you have probably already guessed, the whole marathon was pretty stupid.  There really didn’t seem to be any sort of set rules as to how the marathon would be run.  Olaf and Gretchen grabbed a car and drove alongside Kitty for most of the race.  Meanwhile, Dr. Funk was somehow able to commit numerous acts of open sabotage without anyone noticing.  Because Dr. Funk and Bruno were so cartoonish, it made it difficult to take seriously the possibility that they might win.  There was no suspense whatsoever, which made for a pretty boring fantasy.

I preferred the episode’s other story, in which Tattoo was placed in charge of finding a family to adopt an orphaned baby.  At first, Tattoo wanted to adopt the baby himself but eventually, he realized that the child would be better off with Thomas (Joshua Gallegos) and Mary (BarBara Luna), two Islanders who already had a large family and who had more experience taking care of babies.  There was nothing surprising about the story but seriously, Herve Villechaize’s portrayal of Tattoo’s dilemma was surprisingly touching.  While Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island, he also used his fame to speak out in support of abused and neglected children and he really seemed to be put his heart into this episode of Fantasy Island.  When Tattoo said that he wanted to make sure the baby had the best and most loving home possible, one got the feeling that he was speaking for Villechaize as well.

So, this was yet another mixed episode of Fantasy Island.  Ultimately, it was saved by the sincerity of Herve Villechaize.