Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.14 “Lady of the house/Mrs. Brandell’s Favorites”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

Justice for Tattoo!

Episode 7.14 “Lady of the House/Mrs. Brandell’s Favorites”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on February 25th, 1984)

This was one of the Fantasy Island episode that was not on my DVR.  However, now that the show is once again streaming in its entirety on Tubi, I was still able to watch it. Lucky me.

This is probably the worst episode of Fantasy Island that I’ve ever seen.

This episode gets off to a bad start with Mr. Roarke informing Lawrence that there will only be one guest with a fantasy this week.  That guest is Esther Brandell (Polly Bergen).  Whenever there’s only one guest and that guest is played by a middle-aged actress who was big in the 50s and the 60s, you know you’re about to spend an hour watching an hour of awkward melodrama that you’re supposed to excuse by saying, “She was great in Kisses For My President!”

Mrs. Brandell says that she’s a former sorority house mother who wants her three favorite sorority girls to be her bridesmaids at her wedding.  Actually, Mrs. Brandell was a former madam and the three “sorority girls” all worked for her.  Bebe (Lauren Tewes), Coleen (Randi Oakes), and Lynn (Shelley Smith) have all moved on and want to keep their past a secret.  Over the course of the episode, each will admit the truth to their current partner and each will realize that Mrs. Brandell really did protect and care about them.

This episode basically features the same scene over and over again.  Each of the girls works up the courage (or the anger) to admit that they were once a prostitute.  Their significant other reacts.  One guy tries to blackmail Mrs. Brandell.  Another reveals that he knew all along because “I’m an investigative reporter.”  Bebe’s idiot boyfriend (Dick Gautier) refuses to believe Bebe and insists that she sleep with another man for money so that he’ll be convinced.  What?  Bebe realizes that’s not her lifestyle anymore and she really does love her idiot boyfriend, the same one who pimped her out to some random guy on the Island.

And, through the whole thing, Polly Bergen delivers her lines in a voice that sounds like she just finished smoking a pack of cigarettes.  The truth of the matter is that Bergen is absolutely lousy in the role but the script is probably as much to blame as Bergen herself.  Every scene feels like it’s been cribbed from an old Barbra Stanwyck melodrama.  At the end of the episode, the vice cop (Robert Brown) who used to bust her shows up at the wedding.  “Everybody freeze!” he says.  Oh, thank God, everyone’s getting busted for overacting.  Oh wait — Mrs. Brandell (a widow) is marrying him!

The episode ends with the wedding, which would be touching if any of these characters were actually interesting.  Lawrence gives away the bride because I guess they had do something to justify paying Christopher Hewett’s salary.

This was not a good trip to the Island.  Is this season over yet?

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.17 “New Guy In Town”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, there’s a new cop on the beat!

Episode 4.17 “New Guy In Town”

(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on March 15th, 1981)

Ponch is upset because the new rookie on the team, T.C. Hunsacker (Joseph Hacker), is just too perfect.  He’s still on probation but he’s already good at his job.  He’s a professional.  He’s got a good sense of humor.  He’s a good bowler.  He’s as comfortable talking about classical music as he is talking about cars.  He’s not arrogant.  He’s nice to everyone.  Everyone likes him.  Ponch cannot stand that TC doesn’t seem to have a flaw.

Yeah, Ponch, it’s kind of annoying when someone knows everything and can do anything, isn’t it?  Seriously, who does this Hunsacker fellow think he is when we all know that this is….

Ponch has other things to be concerned about, though.  Martin Beck (Chris Connelly) and Lina Beck (Jenny O’Hara), the brother and wife of someone who died while being chased by Ponch and Baker, are determined to get revenge by killing both of them.  Baker is nearly taken out in a hit-and-run.  Ponch nearly gets blown up in his car.  Fortunately, TC was there to tell Ponch not turn the key in the ignition.  TC noticed some wires on the ground and immediately realized there was a bomb in Ponch’s engine….

Wow, is there nothing TC cant do!?

I really am starting to see Ponch’s point.  TC really is too good to be true.  According to the imdb, this was the only episode in which he appeared.  I know that Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada apparently were not getting along during the filming of CHiPs and that Wilcox was threatening to leave the show because he thought the producers favored Estrada over him.  Maybe this episode was meant to set up Hunsacker as a possible replacement in case Wilcox did leave.  That’s really the only reason I can think of for this show to have devoted so much time to a character who has never been seen before and who, apparently, will never be seen again.

The focus on TC made this an uneven episode but there were a few good chase scenes and a slow-motion van crash.  And really, that’s all that one can really ask from this show.  An exciting chase can make up for a lot!

Horror On TV: Hammer House of Horror #11: Visitor From The Grave (dir by Peter Sasdy)


For tonight’s horror on television, we have the 11th episode of Hammer House of Horror!  This atmospheric episode features Kathryn Leigh Scott as a woman who fears that she is being haunted by the ghost of a would-be rapist that she earlier killed.  Simon MacCorkindale plays her husband, who has secret of his own.

This episode originally aired on November 22nd, 1980.

Doctor Who — The Brain Of Morbius (1976, directed by Christopher Barry)


The Time Lords once again decide that they need the Doctor to do their dirty work for them.  The TARDIS, with the Doctor (Tom Baker) and Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) on board, is sent to the rocky planet Karn.

On Karn, the crazed Dr. Solon (Phillip Madoc) lives in a castle and is kidnapping shipwrecked travelers and using their limbs to build a body for Morbius (Stuart Fell with the voice of Michael Spice).  Morbius was once a Time Lord but, after being found guilty of war crimes, his body was destroyed but his disembodied brain survived.  It now sits atop a makeshift body that has been constructed out of several different alien races.  Solon takes one look at the Doctor’s head and decides that it would be the perfect house for the brain of Morbius.

There’s a subplot about the Sisterhood of Karn and the Elixer of Life but make no mistake.  This is Doctor Who‘s take on Frankenstein, with the Baron reimagined as a mad scientist on a distant planet and the Monster reimagined as being not at all sympathetic.  When I was a kid and first watching these episodes of PBS, The Brain of Morbius was one of my favorites because of the Frankenstein connection and also the look of Morbius.  The original Doctor Who was known for its often-shoddy monsters but Morbius was a definite triumph.  The brain sitting in a transparent bowl atop a stitched together body was one of the defining images of classic Doctor Who.

The Brain of Morbius is also known for a controversial moment during the final episode, where the Doctor and Morbius engage in a battle of the minds.  On a view-screen, the faces of the three former Doctors appear, followed by several faces that had never been shown before.  It was actually an in-joke on the part of production.  The faces were all members of the Doctor Who crew.  For decades, though, this in-joke led to a fierce debate whether or not William Hartnell was actually the first Doctor.  This, of course, was back when it was still believed that a Time Lord could only regenerate 12 times.  The Doctor Who revival tossed out that idea, along with a lot of other good ideas.

All these years later, The Brain of Morbius still remains one of my favorites of the Fourth Doctor’s adventures.  This serial was the Tom Baker/Elisabeth Sladen era at its best.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.2 “Redemption In Blood”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Sonny Burnett continues his reign of terror!

Episode 5.2 “Redemption in Blood”

(DIr by Paul Krasny, originally aired on November 11th, 1988)

When last we checked in with Miami Vice, Sonny thought he was a drug lord named Sonny Burnett and he was firing his gun at Tubbs, who he had just recognized as a cop.  This episode reveals that Sonny didn’t shoot Tubbs.  Instead, he aimed at a wall, firing while Tubbs made his escape.

Working with the psychotic Cliff King (Matt Frewer), Sonny takes over his late boss’s drug empire and continue to fight a war against El Gato (Jon Polito).  El Gato is meant to be a “flamboyant” drug dealer, which is a polite way of saying that Polito overacts through the entire episode.

The show hedges its bets by having Cliff commit all of the murders while Sonny rises to power.  In fact, when Sonny catches Cliff torturing two of El Gato’s men, Sonny orders Cliff to stop and then offers them jobs in the Burnett operation.  Amazingly, over the course of the entire three-episode Burnett arc, Sonny manages to get through the whole thing only killing people in self-defense.  Even the cop that he killed at the end of the previous season was a dirty cop who had been sent to kill him.  I get that the show couldn’t take Sonny totally over to the dark side but it’s still hard to believe that Burnett took over the Miami underworld without getting his hands a bit more dirty than he did.

A car bomb (courtesy of El Gato) knocks Sonny unconscious and, when he wakes up, he suddenly starts to remember who he actually is.  Finally realizing that his name is Crockett, Sonny turns himself into the Vice Squad and is promptly arrested while Kate Bush sings, “Don’t give up.”  Sonny tells Castillo, Switek, and Tubbs that he’s ready to acccept the consequences of whatever he did during his previous bout of amnesia.  But then Sonny escapes custody and sets up both Cliff and El Gato for a great fall so I guess he wasn’t totally ready to turn himself in and head off to prison.

Tubbs, who now trusts Sonny, helps him take out Cliff King and the Burnett organization.  Sonny shoots Cliff to save Tubbs.  With Tubbs dangling off of a walkway, Sonny pulls him back up to safety.  Sonny then goes back to his mansion where he and his girlfriend (Debra Feuer) are taking hostage by a gun-wielding El Gato.  “Where is the safe?” El Gato demands.  Sonny tricks El Gato into thinking the safe is in the room where he keeps his pet panther.  (Apparently, all drug lords were given either a tiger, a panther, a cheetah, or a leopard.)  El Gato gets mauled to death as the episode ends.

This episode suggests that Sonny is going to be let off the hook because he finally remembered he was.  I don’t really think that it would really work like that.  Sonny has multiple warrants out and he also killed a cop, albeit a corrupt one.  If Sonny isn’t on trial in next week’s episode, I’m going to be a little annoyed.

This episode ended the Burnett trilogy about as well as it could be ended.  The idea that all Sonny needed was to survive a second near-fatal explosion made me smile.  What if El Gato hadn’t tried to blow him up?  I guess it’s a good thing that he did!  While Polito went overboard, Matt Frewer gave a very good performance as the villainous Cliff King.  It’s a bit of a shame that he died so dramatically because Cliff would have made a good recurring villain.

This episode was definitely better than anything from season 4.  It’ll be interesting to see how the rest of season 5 plays out.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi: The Next Generation 1.9 “Coming of Age”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.

Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through….

Episode 1.9 “Coming of Age”

(Dir by Bruce MacDonald, originally aired on Mary 13th, 2002)

Degrassi: The Next Generation‘s slogan used to be “Degrassi goes there!” and that’s certainly the case with this week’s episode.  Emma goes from being irrationally annoyed by Sean and Manny to crying while watching a documentary about space.  Spike decides to cheer her up by taking her to the mall.  After Spike tells off a random man who makes a misogynistic comment (Go Spike!), she buys Emma a new white skirt to help her get over her depression.

(Awww!  My mom used to do the same thing for me whenever I was depressed.)

The next day, Emma wears that cute, bright white skirt to school.

And gets her first period.

This episode is a good reminder of why you never wear white when your period is coming.  It’s also a good reminder that your period is nothing to be ashamed of, which is something that we shouldn’t have to be reminded of but, unfortunately, we sometimes do.  When Emma delivers her book report while wearing oversized gym shorts, JT makes a dumb comment asking if Emma had an accident.  Emma replies that “No, I just got my period for the first time …. it happens to 50% of the population.  Perfectly natural, nothing to be ashamed of.”  Woo hoo!  You tell ’em, Emma!  And seriously, go to Hell, JT.  No wonder you’re going to end up dying in another 5 seasons.

Seriously, Emma’s character usually annoys me to death (and, in later episodes, you’ll see why) but she rocks in this episode.  But you know who is really cool in this episode?  Paige, who comes to Emma’s rescue with a pad and assures her that coming of age is no big deal.

As for the other storyline …. eh.  It’s another boring Ashley/Jimmy storyline.  Jimmy’s parents are professionals who are too busy working to make dinner for their son.  So, Jimmy has been hanging out at Ashley’s house.  Ashley gets tired of her boyfriend always being around.  When Toby overhears Ashley whining to her mother about Jimmy always being at the house, he tells Jimmy.

Did I mention that it’s Jimmy’s birthday?

Long story short, Jimmy breaks up with Ashley and ends up spending his birthday alone, eating pizza.  Oh my God!  That’s so sad!  Seriously, couldn’t he at least have gotten Spinner to come over and split a Ritalin with him?  But, the next day, he and Ashley get back together.  This will be a recurring theme through Jimmy and Ashley’s time on Degrassi so get ready for a lot of break-ups and make-ups.

(I still found it funny that part of Ashley’s issue with Jimmy hanging out at the house was that he was bonding with Toby.  I can only imagine how Toby feels about having Terri basically living in the room next to his.  This season, it’s hard not to notice that Terri is always following Ashley around.  Eventually, in the third season, Terri will get a boyfriend and a life outside of being Ashley and Paige’s servant.  Unfortunately, Terri’s boyfriend will eventually end up leaving her with serious brain damage before shooting Jimmy in the back….)

And remember — Degrassi goes there!

Go Seattle!


Congratulations to the Seattle Mariners!  Tonight, they defeated the Blue Jays and won Game One of the American League Championship Series!

I know that I never thought I’d be cheering for Seattle but I’ll support any team that keeps the Blue Jays out of the World Series!  Keep it up, Seattle!  Your three games away from the pennant!

The final score was Mariners 3, Blue Jays 1.

As for the National League Championship, it’s the Brewers vs the Dodgers and I don’t care who wins as long as they can beat Seattle in the World Series!

Horror on TV: Highway to Heaven 4.5 “I Was A Middle-Aged Werewolf” (dir by Michael Landon)


Since we’ve been talking about werewolves today, I decided to take a one-night break from Hammer House of Horror and share this Halloween-themed episode of Highway to Heaven.  Michael Landon recreates his role as the Teenage Werewolf and scares Mark half to death.  He also helps a kid play some tricks and get some treats.

This originally aired on October 28th, 1987.  The series was a bit silly but this episode is kind of fun.  Keep an eye out for Michael Berryman!

Doctor Who — Pyramids of Mars (1975, directed by Paddy Russell)


Did you ever wonder who built the pyramids of Egypt?

It was the aliens, of course!

In 1911, Dr. Marcus Scarman (Bernhard Archard) excavates a pyramid.  When he enters a room that has the Eye of Horus over the doorway, he is hit by a beam of light.

Months later, The Doctor (Tom Baker) and Sarah Jane (Elisabeth Slader) materialize at the Scarman Estate in England.  They run into Dr. Scarman’s friend, Dr. Warlock  (Peter Copley).  (Dr. Warlock?  Really?)  Warlock explains that Scarman has been missing every since he went to Egypt and that his estate is now occupied by a mysterious man named Namin (Peter Maycock).

Namin is eagerly waiting the arrival of Sutekh (Gabriel Woolf), who Namin thinks is an ancient Egyptian god but who is actually the last-surviving member of the Osirian alien race.  The Osirians imprisoned Sutekh on a temple on Mars but Sutekh has taken over the body of Scarman and is using him to construct a missile that will free Sutekh from his Martian prison.  The possessed Scarman returns his estate, kills Namin, and gets to work.

Pyramids of Mars takes the usual Doctor Who themes of aliens and time travel and mixed them with mummies and ancient Egyptian curses.  This serial doesn’t skimp on the horror.  Sutekh tries to strangle almost everyone he meets and, once the Doctor and Sarah reach Mars, there’s plenty of scenes of mummies come to life and stalking pyramind to appeal to the most discerning of viewers.  Pyramids of Mars is one of the Doctor Who episodes that is perfect for October!

Doctor Who — The Ark In Space, The Sontaran Experiment, Genesis of the Daleks, Revenge of the Cybermen, Terror of the Zygons


The 12th season of Doctor Who got off to a shaky start with Robot, a serial that was ultimately distinguished only by the introduction of Tom Baker as the Fourth Doctor.  The best thing about Robot is that it ended with The Fourth Doctor peeking out of the TARDIS and inviting Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) and Harry Sullivan (Ian Marter) to join him on his further adventures.  By inviting them, he was inviting the audience as well.

The remaining episodes of the 12th season not only established Tom Baker as the Doctor but it also reestablished Doctor Who as being a show about an alien who could travel through time and space.  After several seasons of The Third Doctor largely staying on Earth and in the present, the 12th Season reminded everyone that the Doctor could turn up anywhere.

The Ark In Space (1975, directed by Rodney Bennett)

The first place that the Doctor takes Sarah and Harry is to Nerva, a space station that floating above the Earth.  The time is 10,000 years into the future.  Forced to flee the Earth due to solar flares, the crew of the space station has spent a millennia in suspended animation.  During that time, the space station has been invaded by the Wirm, a space insect that has laid its eggs in some of the crewmen.  When everyone is revived, the infected crewmen are transformed into creatures that are half-human and half-insect.

The Ark in Space is a classic space opera.  When I was a kid and our PBS station first started to broadcast Doctor Who, they started with a four-hour bloc, which included Robot, The Ark In Space, and The Sontaran Experiment.  After Robot, with its basic plot and bad special effects, it was a relief to then see The Ark In Space, a serial that lived up to all of the Doctor Who hype.  Not only did Tom Baker fully step into the role of the eccentric Fourth Doctor but this serial also featured Elisabeth Sladen and Ian Marter in active roles as well.  This serial said that the days of the passive companion were (temporarily) over.

The plot of The Ark in Space does have some similarities to Alien, which came out for years later.  I think that’s probably just a coincidence.

The Sontaran Experiment (1975, directed by Rodney Bennett)

Having defeated the Wirm and saved the remaining colonists on the Ark, The Doctor, Harry, and Sarah transport down to Earth to repair a receiver terminal.  They discover that the Earth is not as deserted as they assumed.  A group of human astronauts returned to the planet earlier but they were captured by Styre (Kevin Lindsay), a Sontaran who has been sent to Earth to prepare it for an invasion so that the Sontarans can use the planet as an outpost in their never ending war with the Rutans.

This serial was only two episodes long but The Sontarans were always good villains.  They’re relentless, destructive, and very, very stupid.  This story featured one of Tom Baker’s best moments, when he convinced Styre to throw away his weapon because it made him look weak.  Styre fell for it because Sontarans will fall for anything.

Genesis of the Daleks (1975, directed by David Maloney)

This is it.  This is the first true classic of the Tom Baker era and also the best of the classic Dalek stories.  Terry Nation was invited back to Doctor Who to write about his most famous creations and he created one of the show’s most enduring villains in the process.

A Time Lord appears to the Doctor and his companions and tells them that they need The Doctor to change history.  (This goes against all Time Lord law, which is why they gave the job to a known renegade like The Doctor.)  The Daleks have been determined to be too much of a threat.  The Doctor is to go back to the time of their creation and “interfere.”

The Doctor, Harry, and Sarah Jane find themselves on Skaro, where the war between the Thals and the Kaleds have left the planet ravaged and inhospitable.  The Thals and the Kaleds each live in a domed city and spend their days shooting missiles at each other.  Terry Nation often said that the Daleks were meant to be a stand-in for the Nazis and he makes that clear in this episode with the Kaleds wearing SS-style uniforms and spouting theories about racial superiority.

In this episode, Nation introduces Davros (Michael Wisher), the horribly scarred and crippled scientist who will ultimately be responsible for transforming the Kaleds into the Daleks.  (The Kaleds who don’t want to be Daleks are wiped out by those who do.)  Davros would appear in every subsequent Dalek episode of classic era Doctor Who and his effectiveness would be diluted by repetition.  In his first appearance, though, he immediately establishes himself as a frightening and truly evil Doctor Who villain.  If their first appearance suggested that the Daleks retreated into the shells for survival in their nuclear-ravaged world, this episode shows that it more about Davros wanting to play God.

A six-episode serial, Genesis of the Daleks more than justifies its epic length.  The heart of the serial is a moment when the Doctor, on the verge of wiping out the Daleks forever, stops to wonder if he has the right to do so.  This was a key moment in the development of The Fourth Doctor.  The Fourth Doctor may have been an eccentric but he was an eccentric with a conscience who realized that even the worst creatures deserved a chance at redemption.  In the end, The Doctor does not destroy the Daleks, though he does set back their evolution by an undetermined number of years.  As the Doctor explains it, good will always rise up to counter the evil of the Daleks.

This episode features the apparent destruction of Davros but you can never keep a good villain down.  Both Davros and his creations would return.

Revenge of the Cybermen (1975, directed by Michael Briant)

After a classic Dalek story, I guess it was inevitable that Doctor Who would feature a Cyberman episode.

Following the events of Genesis of the Daleks, the Time Lords return The Doctor, Sarah Jane, and Harry to the Nerva space station.  They arrive several centuries before the events in The Ark In Space.  Without the TARDIS (it’s traveling back through time to meet them), The Doctor and his companions discover that the majority of Nerva’s crew is dead and that the remaining members are using the station as a space beacon to warn people about a drifting planetoid.  The planetoid is made of gold and the Cybermen show up at Nerva because, being uniquely vulnerable to gold dust, they want to destroy it.

If Genesis of the Daleks re-imagined the Daleks, Attack of the Cybermen proves to be just a typical Cybermen story and a disappointing one.  The best thing about this episode is that it gave Tom Baker a chance to once again prove his Doctor bonafides by defeating a classic Doctor Who villain.

Terror of the Zygons (1975, directed by Douglas Camfield)

Terror of the Zygons was the first seral of the thirteenth season but, since it’s also Harry Sullivan’s final appearance as a regular member of the TARDIS crew (though he would return in a later episode for a one-off appearance), it still feels like a twelfth season episode.

Having been reunited with the TARDIS, the Doctor, Sarah Jane, and Harry return to present-day Earth.  The Brigadier (Nicholas Courtney) and UNIT are investigating attacks on oil rigs by a giant sea creature.  Sea Devils, again?  No, this time it’s the Zygons, who are far less sympathetic.

This was a typical UNIT story, the type of thing that Jon Pertwee did regularly.  Tom Baker’s more mischievous version of the Doctor feels slightly out-of-place with UNIT but it is still a pleasure to see Nicholas Courtney and John Levene again and this episode finally explains what everyone has been seeing in Loch Ness over the years.  This episode ends with Harry returning to UNIT while Sarah Jane and the Doctor returned the TARDIS.  Harry Sullivan was a strong character and producer Philip Hinchcliffe later said it was a mistake to write him out of the series.

Ian Marter, who played Harry Sullivan, continued to be associated with Doctor Who as one of the better writers of the Doctor Who novelizations.  He also wrote two stand-alone novels featuring Harry’s adventures without the Doctor.  Ian Marter died of a heart attack when he was just 42 but Harry Sullivan lived on, frequently being mentioned in both the classic series and the revival.

That’s it for the 12th season, the season that truly made Tom Baker the Doctor and which was one of the best of the classic series.  As these were the first episodes of Doctor Who that I ever saw, I have a lot of nostalgia for them.  The Ark In Space, The Sonatarn Experiment, Genesis of the Daleks, and even Terror of the Zygons still hold up well to this day.