Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.6 “Takedown”

Posted on February 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

Who cares? Roll the opening credits.

Episode 1.6 “Takedown”

(Dir by Terrence O’Hara, originally aired on April 6th, 1996)

Three dangerous criminals are holding up stores in …. oh Hell. Where does this show take place? I know it’s in California but what’s the name of the town? Malibu? Is that it? Hold on, let me check with Wikipedia….

SANTA MONICA! That’s where this show takes place.

See, that’s the type of show that Pacific Blue is. I am now six episodes into this show and I’m still can’t tell you where it specifically takes place. It’s not that they haven’t mentioned that the show is set in Santa Monica. And considering that I even attended Saint Monica School for a semester, you would think that I would be able to remember it. But Pacific Blue is such a generic show that it’s difficult to really remember a thing about it. It fades from your memory within seconds of being watched. About the only thing that really sticks with the viewer about this show is how stupid everyone looks on their bicycles with their tight white shirts and their blue shorts. The fact that Rick Rossovich plays their leader with a perpetual air of grim determination only serves to make them seem even more ridiculous. Cops are supposed to look intimidating. That’s one reason why a lot of people don’t like them. These cops just look like the type of douchebags you dread getting stuck behind in traffic.

As for this episode, three dangerous criminals are holding up stores in Santa Monica. Somehow, they always manage to escape right before the cops show up. Maybe that’s because the cops are all on bicycles and they have to steer across crowded sidewalks without even having the benefit of a siren to tell people to get out of the way. What’s odd is that no one ever seems to notice the criminals until they pull out their guns. These are three extremely scruffy criminals, all of whom are clad in clothes that don’t appear to have been washed in days. Are you seriously telling me no one would notice that on the beach in San Diego or wherever this freaking show takes place?

If I was a store owner who got robbed at gunsight and who then called the police, nothing would piss me off more than having the bicycle cops respond. Seriously, you need a car to chase criminals! All the criminals have to do is wait for the bike cops to pull a muscle or ride over a stick in the middle of the road and then they’ll be home free. If I get robbed, give me the real cops!

TC gets upset when one of the criminals points a gun at him. Lt. Palermo encourages him to stop being stoic and get in touch with his feelings and …. oh, who cares? Freaking bicycle cops. While that’s going on, Chris takes a creative writing class and dates her professor (Zach Galligan). From what we hear of Chris’s literary efforts, she has no talent whatsoever. She was such a bad writer that I literally got angry while she reading her story. I wanted the professor to throw something at her. Also, Victor del Toro falls in love with a model (Krista Allen) and even gets a date with her, despite his dumbass bicycle.

Where does this show take place again? Malibu?

Anyway, this was just another episode about the most useless cops ever.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s/Face of Fire”

Posted on February 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Fantasy Island goes country.

Episode 6.5 “Everybody Goes to Gilley’s/Face of Fire”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on November 20th, 1982)

Mickey Gilley is a country-western singer who comes to Fantasy Island because he wants to finally become a star after years of struggling. Tattoo, who is a huge country music fan, puts on a cowboy hat and decides that he’ll be Gilley’s “exclusive manager.” Not so fast, Mr. Roarke says. Apparently, there’s a country-western bar on the other side of the Island and the owner, Mr. Sherwood (Dennis Cole), has a fantasy of finally having a successful bar. Roarke arranges for Gilley and Sherwood to become partners. Gilley is a star whenever he performs in Sherwood’s bar. In the end, Sherwood and Gilley leave the Island together with Sherwood as Gilley’s new manager.

I’m not a huge country music fan so I have to admit that, until I watched this episode, I had no idea who Mickey Gilley was. (In fact, in my first draft of this review, I repeatedly called him “Dennis Gilley,” so that tells you how much I know about county-western singers.) Gilley actually was a country music star, one who did spend several years toiling away in small clubs before he finally found success. This role was autobiographical for him. It’s a bit odd that he plays himself but maybe he was a big deal in 1982. As I said, country music is not my area of expertise and 1982 is a bit before my time. What I can say is that, on the show, Gilley was portrayed in a way that kind of made him seem like a jerk. I mean, the nonstop complaining and all the demands! “I’m not here for romance,” he tells Roarke at one point. Don’t tell Mr. Roarke how to do his job, Gilley!

The other storyline was a take on Jane Eyre. Jean Harrigan (Lynn Redgrave) is from Nevada, despite being totally English. She needs a million dollars. A mysterious rich guy (David Hedison) offers it to her if she can survive a weekend at his home. His crazy wife is locked away in a bedroom. She ends up catching on fire towards the end of the episode, freeing things up for Jean and the rich guy. What’s interesting is that the rich guy says that he originally met Jean when his car broke down in the Nevada desert and Jean gave him a ride. What’s interesting about this is that, when the legendary Howard Hughes died, a man named Melvin Dummar claimed that he had once given Hughes a ride after coming across him stranded in the Nevada desert and, in return, Hughes left him a good deal of his fortune. Dummar even produced a will in support of his claim. The courts ruled the will to have been a forgery and Dummar never received his money, though there still are people out there who defend “the Dummar will” and claims that he was telling the truth about meeting Hughes. Fortunately, Jean does get her money and a chance to spend some time with the totally charming and handsome David Hedison.

(Hedison was also the best Felix Leiter, appearing in Live and Let Die and License to Kill.)

Perhaps not surprisingly, I preferred the gothic story to the country music story. I appreciated that Tattoo got to do something this episode. The scene where he declares himself to be Gilley’s manager felt like a throwback to the show’s earlier seasons. This journey to the Island was a mixed bag for me, though overall it was a pleasant trip.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

Posted on February 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Last night’s review of CHiPs was pre-empted by a sudden storm. Here it is now, in its entirety,

Episode 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)

Ponch is still in the hospital, recovering from last week’s accident. Still, because he’s Ponch, he’s the one who figures out that a bunch of disgruntled fireman are using city trucks to commit their jewelry thefts. Hey, wait a minute. Last week’s episode was also about jewelry thefts. Admittedly, CHiPs was a show that tended to recycle plots but, even by CHiPs standards, this is one of those coincidences that leaves you wondering what exactly was going on in the writer’s room.

Actually, it’s easy to guess. Erik Estrada really was injured while filming an episode. The cast that he wears throughout this episode was real and, as easy as it can be to make fun of his overexpressive acting and his tendency to lose his shirt every other scene, you do have to respect that Estrada showed to film this episode at all. With Estrada injured, one gets the feeling that this episode, just like last week’s, was quickly rewritten to cover the situation.

Baker gets a temporary partner in this episode. It’s the return of his former motorcycle mate, John Clayton! Clayton was apparently Baker’s partner before Ponch. Clayton has a reputation for being a practical joker, It’s all anyone can talk about. Clayton is a legendary prankster! They really want us to know that Clayton’s a fun guy before he shows up and we discover that he’s played by Andrew Robinson, the actor who is best-known for playing the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry. Robinson wears a mustache as Clayton, probably in an attempt to keep 1979 audiences from looking at the screen and going, “Hey, I remember that guy hijacking a school bus!”

(I should mention that Andrew Robinson himself was a committed pacifist when he filmed Dirty Harry, to the extent that he actually flinched whenever he had to shoot the killer’s gun and he actually traumatized himself while filming the school bus hijack. He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy who just happened to play one of the most loathsome screen villains of all time.)

Baker works with Clayton and it must be said that Larry Wilcox does seem to be noticeably happier when he’s acting opposite Robinson than he ever did when he was acting opposite Estrada. The episode features Clayton performing a heroic and dangerous rescue at one point and it’s easy to see that that scene was originally conceived with Estrada in mind. It’s also easy to imagine Estrada flashing his big grin at the end of the scene while Robinson, on the other hand, plays up the fact that anyone, even a dedicated cop, would be absolutely exhausted after all that.

Robinson does a good job as Clayton and it’s always fun to see Martin Kove play a villain on show like this. This was a good episode. Estrada, I assume, will be back on his bike next week.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.17 “The Afternoon Plane”

Posted on February 10, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Tubbs has an adventure!

Episode 3.17 “The Afternoon Plane”

(Dir by David Jackson, originally aired on February 20th, 1987)

While attending a New Age-y wedding with his latest girlfriend Alicia (Maria McDonald), Tubbs wins a vacation to a tropical island!

It’s about time something …. well, I was going to say something good but honestly, I guess we should just be happy that anything is happening to Tubbs at all. When this show started, Tubbs was the audience surrogate. He was the one who came down to Miami and learned about the drug scene. We saw Miami through his eyes. But, by the time the third season rolled around, it was pretty clear that Miami Vice hard largely become the Crockett show. Don Johnson was the star and Philip Michael Thomas often seemed like a supporting character. Tubbs may have been cooler than Switek but, often times, both of them took a backseat to Crockett. This week, however, Tubbs finally get his own episode. Crockett shows up for a few minutes at the start of the episode and that’s it. This is the Tubbs show!

Of course, it turns out that the vacation does not go the way that Tubbs was expecting. He runs into a drug dealer named Leon Wolf (Vincent D’Onofrio, making his television acting debut), someone who Tubbs previously put in jail. Tubbs soon discovers that his old enemies, the Calderone family, are on the Island and they’re looking forward to getting their revenge on Tubbs. Tubbs, of course, has no legal jurisdiction on the island and the local police certainly aren’t going to help him out. In fact, many people on the island resent Tubbs because they blame America’s war on drugs for their poverty. Drug smuggling is big business and it provides an income to a lot of people who would starve otherwise.

Orlando Calderone (John Leguizamo) is coming on the next afternoon plane and no one is willing to defy Orlando by helping Tubbs get off the island. The episode becomes a Caribbean High Noon, with the clock ticking down and no one willing to stand up and help the endangered law man. There are some on the island who want to fight back and drive away the Calderones. But no one is willing to take the chance.

It would have been a lot more compelling if Orlando had been played by someone other than John Leguizamo, who is just as cartoonishly unconvincing here as he was the first time that he appeared on the show. I know that Miami Vice was early in Leguizamo’s career but his performance here is so unconvincing that it really does make the Calderones just seem like a bunch of low-level punks instead of a feared criminal syndicate. The final gun battle between Tubbs and the Calderones is handled well-enough but it’s never quite as compelling as it would be if Orlando Calderone was actually an intimidating villain. In typical Miami Vice fashion, Alicia is seriously wounded in the battle. It pays not to get involved with either Tubbs or Crockett.

This episode was a slight change of pace. Apparently, everyone but Philip Michael Thomas got to take some time off during filming and, as a result, Thomas gets to show his own unique style as Rico Tubbs. Still, this episode was never as compelling as it needed to be. Hopefully, we are now done with the Calderones.

The 2025 Super Bowl: Some Commercial Thoughts

Posted on February 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In previous years, after the Super Bowl, I’ve listed my favorite ads of the night. I’m not going to do that this year because, quite frankly, I don’t have enough ads to list. This year, the Super Bowl was boring. The game was boring and the ads were boring. There were barely any new movie trailers. In previous years, Leonard and I exhausted ourselves trying to keep up with and share all of the Super Bowl movie spots. This year, we could take things easy.

As for the game …. listen, I’m not a football person. Our longtime readers know that. Usually, when I’m bored with a football game, I assume it’s because I’m just not into football. But this year, the game was so slow that even my colleagues here at TSL got bored with it. While the biggest game of the year was being played in New Orleans, we largely used the game as background noise as we talked about everything from HBO’s True Detective to whether or not it was acceptable to nuke all of your enemies in Civ. Once I realized that there weren’t going to be any big commercials, I immediately started thinking about relaxing in a hot tub for an hour or two. It turned out to be a little less than an hour because it’s cold outside, folks!

What a disappointing game. I can’t believe that I actually pre-empted my retro television reviews for that thing. Oh well! Live and learn.

Actually, now that I think about it, there was one commercial that I really liked, just because it featured a horse.

I’ve seen some speculation online that the commercials were safe and predictable this year because ad agencies are still adjusting to how to advertise in the second Trump era. That’s possible. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Super Bowl commercials that were so determinedly nonpartisan. In the past, I think the general assumption that advertisers made was that the country was full of politically active young people with a lot of spending money and, as a result, it only made sense to tailor commercials to them. Hence, we got Zachary Quinto dramatically reading the ending of 1984 for Amazon Audible and Kylie Jenner defusing tensions at a protest by giving a Pepsi to a cop. We got a commercial for a migraine medicine in which the main character was able to go to a protest because her migraine cleared up. There was even a commercial featuring a teenage girl leading an environmental rally because she had the confidence that went along with having clear skin. All the online complaining was taken as a badge of honor. “We’re making the right people mad,” as the saying goes. But, with the recent elections, it’s now kind of obvious that the supposedly leftward tilt of the country was much overestimated. It felt like the ads this year were trying to reclaim the middle, nonpartisan ground that was originally abandoned in 2017. They did so by playing everything safe. As a result, none of the commercials this year were controversial but, at the same time, none of them were particularly interesting either. It says something about how bland things were that the most talked about commercial was another one of those flaky “He Gets Us” commercials, which feel like almost a parody of the shallow understanding most people have of theology.

(Incidentally, we watched the game on Tubi. Tubi did a very good job of streaming the game, with none of the trouble that Netflix has had with its live events.)

In other words, the Super Bowl was boring this year but I did enjoy watching it with my TSL colleagues. And I love horses! And now, on with the rest of 2025!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 2/2/25 — 2/8/25

Posted on February 8, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s a few thoughts on what I watched this week.

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

I’m one episode behind as far as Abbott goes. This week, I watched the golf course episode but I still need to watch the science fair episode. I’ll do it tomorrow before the Super Bowl. As always, the episode made me laugh. The show has done marginally better with the gentrification subplot than it did with the charter school storyline a few seasons ago.

Dark (Netflix)

Case and I continuing to watch this creepy German show. This is the only show I’ve ever seen that’s actually held my attention while the characters discuss physics.

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, Thursday Night)

And we have a winner! Kyle’s door open and he is the latest chef to win a season of Hell’s Kitchen. I did like Kyle but I have to admit that I lost interest in this season after both Brandon and Egypt were eliminated. I still can’t see Kyle as a head chef. Brandon had a bad night and Egypt lost an arbitrary contest but I still feel like either one of them would have been a better winner. That said, anyone who has ever tasted my cooking knows that I wouldn’t have even made it past the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Hell’s Kitchen. Congratulations to Kyle on his victory and on proving people like me, who were pretty dismissive of his chances at first, wrong.

King of the Hill (Hulu)

I watched the episode where Bill’s touchdown record was broken and, with Hank’s encouragement, Bill rejoined the high school team in an effort to win it back. “You the man, Bill …. don’t look down at your leg.”

Kitchen Nightmares (Fox, Tuesday Night)

Chef Ramsay was, again, in New Orleans this week. The New Orleans shows have been kind of boring. None of the restaurants have really been that appealing, either before or after their makeover. You have to wonder how many times Chef Ramsay is going to have to invite an ex-football player to come and convince people to do their job. It’s kind of funny how the only thing many of these restaurants really need is for a former member of the Saints to show up for five minutes.

After being bored with the trip to New Orleans, I hopped on Tubi and revisited the Amy’s Baking Company episodes from seasons 6 and 7. Now that was classic Ramsay chaos! I like it when Chef Ramsay is nice to the chefs on Hell’s Kitchen but, when it comes to Kitchen Nightmares, I just want him to rip the place apart!

Scamanda (Hulu)

On Wednesday, I watched the first episode of this NBC docuseries about a woman who pretended to have cancer and who swindled a lot of people out of a lot of money. It was an interesting episode. People pretending to be sick to get money from people is hardly a new phenomena but it was interesting to see not only how far Amanda took it but also how gullible people really were. (They really wanted to believe.) The film did have a few regrettable reenactments, including a truly risible one of a bunch of churchgoers literally throwing money at Amanda’s feet. Still, it’s an interesting story.

Watched and reviewed:

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.1 and 3.2 “The Prophecies”

Posted on February 7, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, we start season 3!

Episode 3.1 and 3.2 “The Prophecies”

(Dir by Tom McLoughlin, originally aired on October 7th, 1989)

The third season starts with a 90-minute episode, one that was split into two parts when the show was later re-aired. It’s a rather strange episode, one that takes the Curious Goods crew far from Canada and one that also see Ryan transformed into a…. well, we’ll get to that.

When the episode starts, Ryan is in a state of shock because he recently ran into his mother (Jill Frappier) while visiting the grave of his brother. His mother walked out on Ryan and his father after the death of Ryan’s brother and the reunion between the two leaves Ryan feeling conflicted. As he blames himself for both the death of his brother and his father, he can’t help but wonder what he would do if he had the opportunity to do everything over again.

Meanwhile, Micki is running the antique store with none other than Johnny Ventura. Last season, Micki disliked Johnny and she had ever right to as Johnny tended to be a little bit stalker-ish in his behavior towards her. But, with the start of this season, it appears that all has been forgiven.

As for Jack, he’s in a small town in France. He received a letter from Sister Adele (Marie-France Lambert) telling him about some apocalyptic visions that she’s been having. Those visions are largely the result of fallen angel Asteroth (Fritz Weaver), who is determined to bring the AntiChrist into the world by following the step laid out in the Books of Lucifer. He has to kill a nun and he’s decided that Adele is that nun. However, Asteroth cannot get to her.

But then Jack gets shoved down a flight of stairs and ends up in the hospital. Ryan, Micki, and Johnny fly over to France. Ryan is promptly possessed by the Devil and he murders Sister Adele! But now, for some reason, Asteroth also needs to murder a young girl who seems to know Ryan and whose presence in the episode is never really explained. In order to free Ryan from being possessed, it’s necessary to transform him back into a small child. Eventually, God gets tired of all this and Asteroth bursts into flame.

The ending is a bit ambiguous about what this all means but I do know that this was John D. LeMay’s last episode and that Johnny Ventura will become a series regular as well. (Steven Monarque, who played Johnny, is still listed as a guest star in this episode.) So, I guess Ryan, who no longer has any memory of Micki or any of his Curious Goods adventures, is going to go live with his mother and grow up again and I’d love to know how Jack and Micki are going to explain that to his mom.

This was a weird way to write Ryan out of the show. (If anything, Ryan sacrificing himself to save Micki and/or Jack would have made much more sense and been just as powerful an ending.) But, with all that mind, this was still a good episode. While the episode did not film in France, it does feature some location work in Quebec and those scenes are full of ominous atmosphere. Fritz Weaver was an appropriately creepy Asteroth. Speaking of being creepy, John D. LeMay did a great job playing possessed Ryan. This episode was not always easy to follow but it was scary and atmospheric and it worked surprisingly well.

Bye, Ryan! I’ll miss you.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.12 “Oh Lucky Man!”

Posted on February 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

It’s time to work at another youth center!

Episode 3.12 “Oh Lucky Man!”

(Dir by Dan Gordon, originally aired on December 10th, 1986)

Jonathan and Mark are working at a youth center …. again!

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with Jonathan and Mark working at a youth center. From what I’ve seen of this show, Michael Landon seemed to have a natural rapport with kids and Victor French’s grouchiness was always put to good use whenever he had to deal with someone younger. It’s just hard not to notice that Jonathan and Mark seemed to go to several youth centers each episode and they almost always dealt with exact same issue. Some kid is angry or insecure. He may not have a father in his life. Jonathan helps the kid admit his anger and learn to trust whoever wanted to adopt him. Usually, this seemed to involve helping the kid find the courage to play a sport or something similar.

In this episode, the youth center is run by an ex-con named Jake (Thalmus Rasulal). Mark was the one who arrested Jake and sent him to prison but Jake so impressed Mark with how he turned his life around that Mark ended up testifying in favor of giving Jake parole. Jake opened up a youth center to “keep the kids out of the gangs.” And again, there’s nothing wrong with that. I admire anyone who comes out of prison and attempts to do something good for their community. One of the truly shameful things about our justice system is that it’s been forgotten that prison is meant to rehabilitate. We focus so much on punishment that we end up forgetting that we’re supposed to be a nation built on second chances. Jake has made something out of himself and now, he’s giving back.

(And yes, that is your When Did Lisa Marie Become A Bleeding Heart? moment of the week,)

The problem is that his youth center desperately needs money. It looks like everything is going to be alright when Mark wins $5,000,000 while taking the kids out for lunch. Mark plans to give the money to the youth center. He also plans to be there for a troubled kid named Brady (Ian Michael Giatti). But when Mark is approached by Nina Van Slyke (Shannon Tweed), those plans change. Nina claims to be the head of a charity and she convinces Mark that her charity could do a lot more good with the money than the youth center. Mark finds himself falling in love with Nina and he even tells Jonathan that they’re partnership might be over. However, Nina is actually a con artist who just wants to take Mark’s money for herself.

Will Mark see the error of his ways? Of course! And he’ll apologize to Brady for missing Brady’s big game and he’ll keep the youth center open by giving the money to Jake. This is Highway to Heaven. There’s not a cynical note to be found in this show.

That said, this episode was a bit uneven with the soap opera-like scenes of Nina and her partner (Roy Thinnes) plotting to cheat Mark never gelling with the more earnest scenes of Jonathan helping out at the youth center. As always, this episode was well-intentioned and about as sincere as you can get. The strength of this show is that it’s so sincere. But Shannon Tweed felt like she was acting in a totally different show from Highway to Heaven. As a result, this episode never quite came together as a cohesive unit.

Oh well. At least Brady’s going to get a family!

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 2.1 “Race Your Dream”

Posted on February 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

It’s the second season but I’m too lazy to change the graphic. Sorry, not sorry.

Today we begin season 2 of the bane of my existence.

Episode 2.1 “Race Your Dream”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 9th, 1999)

The second season of Malibu CA starts with a few changes.

It’s firmly established that Scott and Jason are no longer in high school so I guess they graduated and, instead of going to college, they’re still working as busboys at their Dad’s restaurant. I don’t know what type of message that sends but it’s probably not a good one. (Also, I guess the show decided to forget about Scott having a job as a sportscaster.)

Murray is now working at the restaurant as well.

Priscilla Inga Taylor has officially joined the cast. Gina May is no longer on the show. Sam actually went to college after graduating.

Stads is still on the show and somehow, she’s even bitchier than usual in this episode. And when I say “bitchy,’ I don’t mean that she’s an empowering diva who won’t let anyone stand in her way. I mean that she’s whiny and in a bad mood for now particular reason.

Lisa Jones (Marquita Terry) is a medical student who gets a job as a waitress at the restaurant. You’d think I would relate to her since we share the same name but nope. During her job interview, she specifically points out that no one else at the restaurant is doing a good job. It’s true but still kind of rude. Admittedly, I’ve never had to actually interview for a job but it seems like criticizing the place where you want to work would be a mistake. That’s especially true if you’re interviewing for a job that literally thousands of other people could do.

Scott has a crush on Lisa. Lisa thinks Scott is a slacker. Jason lies and says that Scott is in training for the U.S. Olympic try-outs. WHAT!? That’s what he came up with! Maybe he could point out that Scott had a job as a sportscaster. Or maybe he could reveal that Scott is the assistant manager of the restaurant. Instead, he said that Scott is trying out for the OLYMPIC SWIM TEAM! SERIOUSLY, LET THAT SINK IN!

Of course, Saved By The Bell: The New Class had an entire season where everyone on the show was a member of the swim team so maybe Peter Engel just had a thing for swimming.

Lisa is friends with someone who actually is a competitive swimmer. She introduced him to Scott. Scott gets challenged to a race. Scott agrees. He loses but only barely because …. WHAT!? SCOTT IS SWIMMING AGAINST AN OLYMPIC ATHLETE! What the Hell was wrong with our Olympic team in the 90s that a member of it could nearly get beaten by some Malibu beach bum? WHAT THE HELL!?

THE SHOW IS STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID MINDS!

Anyway, Lisa is impressed that Scott tried. And Scott is told that there’s an outside chance that he actually could make the Olympics if he starts training….

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS SO STUPID! Not even One World was this stupid! Not even Hang Time had the audacity to suggest its characters were going to magically make the Olympic team. (It is true that Scott is revealed to have been a good swimmer in high school. I’m a good dancer. It still doesn’t mean I’m joining The Paris Opera Ballet anytime soon.)

So, basically, season two is going to be the same as season one.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.8 “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bites”

Posted on February 5, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Who needs a haircut?

(What is it with today’s reviews and hair?)

Episode 3.8 “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bites”

(Dir by John Strysik, originally aired on November 18th, 1990)

Tom (played by a young Matt LeBlanc) stands in front of an old timey barbershop and remembers when he was a teenager and he learned the truth about the place. His friend, Kevin (Wil Wheaton), lived across the street from the barbershop and was convinced that the two elderly barbers who owned the place were actually vampires. Kevin pointed out the customers were going inside with big jars of blood and then coming with little jars of blood. Tommy remained skeptical. I’m not sure why. Jars of blood are a HUGE red flag. Still, Tommy warned Kevin that if he continued to follow his vampire theory, he would probably get kicked out of all of his honors classes. That was a risk that Kevin was willing to take.

Tommy and Kevin snuck into the barbershop one night and searched for evidence of vampires. Kevin was serious while Tommy treated the whole thing as just being a big joke. They were caught by the two barbers, Mr. Innes (John O’Leary) and Dr. D’Onofrio (Al Mancini), who revealed that they were not vampires. Instead, they were just two guys who worshipped a giant slug creature who lived in the basement. The slug creature stayed alive by drinking the blood that was brought into the barbershop. In return, it offered up a smaller amount of its blood for the donors to drink. The blood apparently allowed to people to live for a very long time. So, I guess they were vampires but not really.

In the present, Tom gets a shave and a haircut and allows Kevin to draw some of his blood. Then Kevin gets in the barber chair and Tom picks up the razor blade. They both have noticeable scars on their neck.

This was an odd episode. It was full of atmosphere and Tom’s voice over contributed to the creepy vibe. It was generally well-acted. Not even Wil Wheaton was too annoying. The premise of the episode was intriguing but the episode’s pay-off fell a little flat. I was happy that the show did something other than vampires but the weird slug creature really wasn’t that compelling either. It felt like something out a Lovecraft short story but Lovecraft’s style of horror always works better when it’s something that the reader has to imagine as opposed to actually seeing. This episode played out like an odd dream. Even the ending feels like a fragment from a bigger narrative that has been lost to time.

Overall, though, I liked this episode and I appreciated the strange atmosphere. Monsters was always the most fun when it was weird and this episode was definitely that.