Channel Zero, A Strange Vessel, Season 1, Ep 4; ALT Title: Paper Mache and You!

Posted on November 7, 2016 by casewright

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There are times in a person’s life that test your very ability to function: Boot camp, the death of a loved one, and watching Channel Zero. There are things that are entertaining to my Gentle Readers because they are shared fun like when I review Stranger Things, Halloween H2O, 28 Days Later, or People of Earth, but I know there’s another kind of fun – a darker fun … AKA Schadenfreude like when I watch/review Halloween Resurrection, but this is so painful. When you read the review of this show, you know I had to do three things: 1) watch it, 2) think about it, and 3) write about it; none of these things are short of misery. However Friday, I get a tooth extraction…so that’s a big step up! When I write that this show is the worst steaming pile of shit ever to be splatted on our cathode ray tubes and you think I’m being unfair, Listen – There’s WHOLE scenes featuring Paper Mache and I don’t mean just a couple either.

Opening: 1988 Eddie or Mike is drawing Bones; they’re twins so big deal. Draw whatever you want!

The Creepiest Children’s Hospital:

Jess is walking with her stabbed son to visit his sister Stabbypants and stops to look at the candle cove crayon drawings, but she did that in the last episode. Maybe she’s trying to become a curator 0r docent of creepy hospital crayon art? They visit his sister and tell her, “We’re not mad at you.” REALLY?! I put my daughters in timeout for just using “hurting hands”. JESS- WORST MOM EVER! I’m judging you Jess! YOU’VE BEEN JUDGED! Stabbed Son secrets Stabbypants a tooth.

Jess visits her vigilante husband. He has her get his gun for protection.

Mike calls his wife. She’s in Seattle and he tells her that their daughter appeared at his Mom’s house out of nowhere from several hundred miles away and he seems genuinely surprised that she wants to come over there. REALLY?! WORD?! Oh God, Oh God, There’s so much more to go!

Amy is in her office and stares at the weirdest gift ever- a pot of mushrooms. This mystery is solved by Dork Deputy who explains that he grew them for her and asks her out and is turned down. I can’t see why this didn’t work! I mean … we all know… Every girl crazy ’bout a Mushroom Man! [sung as ZZ Top].

Flashback: Jess and Mike were a kid couple. Eddie’s jealous. That’s it.

Marla’s house: We learn by a lot of telling that Lily- Mike’s Daughter- is possessed by Eddie. Brightside: This creates a twofer for Thanksgiving – Lily/Eddie!!! Lily pulls out a pirate doll from Mike’s past.

Lily’s Dream sequence: It’s paper mache of a rabbit’s face. No… Really, this scene featuring Paper Mache was done on purpose.

Mike talks to Lily/Eddie. She says that it’s ok that he stabbed him, meaning Mike stabbing Eddie with a hook. And, why shouldn’t he be?! Everyone else on this dumbass show is very permissive with stabbings.

We cut to his plan: Mike believes that if he steals Eddie’s body and cremates it, Eddie will rest. Then, we see more images of a Paper Mache rabbit person trying to be silly. Sorry, I only assumed silly because it looked so stupid. Fuck, More Paper Mache!!! Was there a sale at Joanne’s?!

Amy goes to the school to talk to the creepy kids she saw acting out a stabbing. Tooth Teacher stymies her at every turn. Finally, Amy tracks down the kids. They are acting out some of Candle Cove and for the win what are the kids dress up in? If you said, “Shitty Paper Mache!”, you win! If you got that right, there’s a slight chance that you watched this crapfest and shall always be my brother in pain. The kids all speak in a monotone to give that full-on Paper Mache of the Damned vibe.

Mike and Jess go to the morgue and get Eddie’s body. This was really easy for them. They must have a Take a Body Leave a Body Policy.

Mike and Jess burn Eddie’s body.

Amy decides for some reason that she wants to pork Dork Deputy. Why? Who knows. Then, she leaves and goes to Tooth Teacher’s house, breaks in, and finds the body of random lady that the lady Tooth Lady killed in the last episode.

Jess goes home and the Paper Mache of the Damned kid crew attack her and stab her to death, realizing their rehearsal that the Deputy saw in the previous episode.

The episode ends with Lily being Lily again.

Roll Credits! Next Week on Channel Zero: SPOOKY DECOUPAGE!!!

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Why didn’t they use this paper mache?

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People of Earth – Pilot, Season 1, Episode 1 – Review by

Posted on November 5, 2016 by casewright

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People of Earth is the amazingly quick-witted and fast paced comedy show that you better watch or ALL of the unicorns will die… especially the cute baby unicorns- they’ll die first!

I was primed to like this show more than a 50% discount on Blue Jays tickets. The comedy cast is overflowing with known national treasures: Wyatt Cynac, Ana Gasteyer, Brian Huskey, and Oscar Nunez, but is blessed with new talent who have quick comedic timing that matches perfectly with the snappy dialogue. In short, this is NOT a show to knit to, tweet during, or otherwise be distracted by when watching; so, take your adderall and focus because this show is NO SHIT LEGIT! SIDE NOTE: I’m seriously thinking about getting on the adderall bandwagon; weight loss inducing intellectual steroids sound pretty fucking awesome to me!

The pilot begins with Ozzie (Wyatt Cynac) having a nightmare about hitting a deer in Beacon, New York with a deer behind him saying, “Don’t get weird, but you’re about to hit a deer” and he wakes in a sweat. He’s on assignment to Beacon to investigate a UFO Abductee support group.

At the support group, we learn that there are three types of Aliens: Reptilians, Whites (who look like Lord of the Rings Elf People), and Greys (who look like scrotums). Also, we learn that the jokes fly fast. The group therapy scenes are the heart of the sitcom. The jokes play off of one another brilliantly!

Ozzie finishes his alien support group article and goes to his boss Jonathan Walsh (Michael Cassidy) in New York City who basically runs a Buzzfeedish clickbait listicle mill. His boss doesn’t get humor and speaks in business school-ease at all times like a young Mitt Romney. Jonathan wants Ozzie to return Upstate to Beacon and learn more about the people in the support group.

Upon returning to Beacon, Ozzie discovers that the abductees all have boring jobs or don’t work. Ozzie learns about the abductions and that their stories are similar. However, there are two people who don’t share abduction stories: the group leader Gina and Gerry who has never made contact with an alien, but wishes that he did. There have been some reviewers who think this points to these two or either being aliens, but I don’t know or care because their delivery is fucking great and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole. Ozzie realizes that his nightmares match the stories that he is hearing.

Ozzie believes that HE was abducted. Ozzie becomes furious when he discovers that his boss published his draft article about the group with their REAL names, causing Ozzie to quit his job with Buzzfeedish. He decides to explore his abduction memories and takes a job in Beacon at the local paper.

The show ends with us learning that Jonathan is a Reptilian – DUN DUN DUN.

ROLL HILARIOUS CREDITS!

There are aliens on the mothership above earth being hysterical. The funniest and snarkiest alien is the scrotum looking whom I shall call Scroty on the show he’s named Jeff, but Scroty is more apt.

This show is THE funniest show on television. Period. Remember, if you don’t watch, ALL the unicorns will die!

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Channel Zero, “Want to see something cool?” Season 1, Episode 3; ALT Title: Like cool things, watch something else.

Posted on October 30, 2016 by casewright

There are some shows like Stranger Things, Lonesome Dove, or True Detective whose audacious vision is pushed ever forward by the rugged genius of its writing and directing staff, Channel Zero is NOT that show.

On its best day, Channel Zero is burgers and fries, but on its worst days, Channel Zero is like stale bread that has become horribly crunchy, difficult to digest, and every bite reveals unending torpor. This particular episode is not terrible just for this series, but might be the the worst episode of television. Because it is becoming ever more awful, it could get to be fun to watch like an Ed Wood film. Since it has some mediocre episodes, it’s not Halloween Resurrection levels of crap overall, but it was awful. There was a quasi-torture scene without suspense, a now hand sucking tooth-monster, and not much else.

Gary takes Mike to a house under renovation. It turns out that Gary wanted it to be his dream house, but it didn’t work out for him. Gary ties up Mike and questions him about the dead kids from yesteryear and Gary gets visitors: Tim and Brenda. They want to beat Mike up to find out why Mike killed their friends and relatives – in the most slow moving way possible. Mike keeps saying that it’s the Candle Cove show…blah blah blah. At one point, Tim pulls a gun and fails to create any suspense….at all, but Mike does gets shot in the arm …. off camera.

Jessica is talking to Mike’s Mom -MM. She explains that she had an emotional affair with Mike and then he cut it off. She figures out Mike is being held at their never to have dream house and heads over there with Deputy Amy and MM. They stop Tim from killing Mike and Deputy Amy takes Gary’s gun, but doesn’t seem to arrest him. Why do that? It could have raised the stakes, led to a struggle, or anything.

Flashback- Eddie lures the Bully Kid to the crow’s nest and uses the Tooth Monster mojo to get the Bully Kid to jump off a cliff.

Tim goes into the woods and is killed and buried by random kids. This happens almost entirely offscreen because this show wouldn’t want to interfere with a bathroom break. If you have the stomach flu, are a compulsive knitter, or need to take smoke breaks, this is the show for you.

Brenda goes to the Evil Teacher who feeds the Tooth Monster. Evil Teacher kills her with a hook for some reason and then hosts a cocoa drink party with the children who killed Tim. Is this unnecessarily ambiguous, over the top, and dumb? You Betcha!!!

Mike is back home. His mother has a nightmare of the tooth monster sucking Mike’s fingers. YEECH! Then, his daughter, who lives 452 miles away, appears outside of MM’s house. He asks, “How did you get here?” They cut to the Tooth Monster who I guess was going to say Kayak or Travelocity, but the episode ended so we will never learn how Mike’s daughter got there or if she got the lowest rate possible.

What can I tell you other than, I will stick with this show until its inevitable cancellation and is replaced with American Ninja Warrior Baking Championship or some such shit.

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Halloween Resurrection: ALT Title: Big Brother in Hell, but boring

Posted on October 30, 2016 by casewright

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Dearest Gentle Readers, we have reached the last installment of the Halloween review series- there have been peaks and there have been subterranean valleys. Halloween Resurrection is a valley that hides under a viaduct that is peed in constantly by drunken hobos; it’s not good. Sorry to end on a low note, but Resurrection really shit the bed. Halloween H20 was a throwback to suspense and cleverness and Resurrection is a throwback to sitting in the DMV and hoping you’ll have a cardiac event. It is obvious to me that the writing sunk this film. The actors in both films were pretty good. In fact, the second film had Katee Sackhoff of BSG fame, but terrible writing can sink the greatest performances. In this case, Halloween Resurrection had the unholy mixture of being boring and preachy. Not a huge shocker that the person who wrote Resurrection was Larry Brand who went on to bore us by writing the script for “Girl on the Train.” Rick Rosenthal, the Resurrection director, is very talented, but when your script is garbage, you can’t expect miracles, but you can expect a terrible movie.

We begin by learning that JLC didn’t kill her brother; It was a setup. BLECHHH! JLC is in an asylum and MM comes in, kills her, and gives the knife to a mental patient – framing him. I’m not writing more than that because it sucked so bad. This opening pissed me off because it negated the better previous film and did it in a shitty way. RAGE GROWING!!! The opening sequence deserves capital punishment and then to be dug up and shot. RAGE!

HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS OVER LONG COLD OPEN:

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*Breathes into paper bag*

Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are making an Internet reality show. Sarah, the heroine, is ambivalent. Katee Sackhoff plays a fame whore. There’s a guy from American Pie. There’s a very attractive Ginger. A guy who looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. A guy named Rudy. Deckar is a 15 year old who is Sarah’s Internet Boyfriend and likely the first Internet catfish who never sees Sarah, but helps her along the way like Al in Quantum Leap (Quantum Leap was a show about how Presidents practiced nude decoupage….PROVE ME WRONG … by watching the show).

Busta and Tyra have set up all of the Internet participants to stay at the Haddonfield home of MM with crazy evil props everywhere – think if Big Brother took a psychopathic, yet boring left turn.

Deckar is convinced by his friend to go to a party and get offline because then they can meet people IRL and get laid. Deckar’s friend has a point, but it gets belaboured because this movie sucks. They go to a Halloween party dressed like Pulp Fiction characters because their 14 year old peers would totally get the reference somehow to a movie that came out when they were 4. Deckar – a fifteen year old boy – sneaks away from the party, goes into a room alone, shuts the door, turns on the homeowner’s computer, gets comfy in swivel chair, goes onto the Internet, and totally does NOT engage in self-abuse….OKAY, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it! He watches the Big Brother from Hell and starts to think that there might be some real murdering going on in the BB From Hell House.

American Pie guy pervs on Katee Sackhoff and nearly gets some where, but is soon killed.

Teens walk in on Deckar, seeing him on the computer alone in the room and the teen boy shouts, PERV! Finally, some honesty in this film in re: onanism!

BB From Hell: Booger tries to convince Ginger to have sex with him. We learn that she is a”Critical Studies” major. CRITICAL STUDIES?!!! CAN’T ANYTHING BE REAL?! Seriously movie, fuck off! You’re not even trying! Initially, Ginger spurns Booger’s moves, but then out of nowhere, Ginger needs to pork Booger. FINE.

Wait…I’m calling the police:

9-1-1: What is your emergency?

Me: I want to report an ongoing theft and assault.

9-1-1: What is being stolen and who is being assaulted?

Me: All viewers of this terrible film are having their valuable time stolen.

9-1-1: Sir, who is being assaulted?

Me: Art Itself! FIND HIM…LARRY BRAND!

9-1-1: Oh yeah, he did that terrible train movie thing…We’re inbound.

Sarah and the others confront Busta Rhymes about the BB House from Hell. He admits that it’s all fake. Soon after, all of the moderately interesting people are killed: Booger, Ginger, Katee Sackhoff, Rudy, and Tyra Banks (she’s killed off screen).

Only Busta and Sarah are left to save the day. They battle MM and electrocute him, but he opens his eyes at the end, so whatever.

There are times when writers should be failed.

Wait, I just got a letter from Larry Brand. He apologizes for being just awful.

Halloween H20; ALT Title: They Stab Baby Boomers, Don’t They?

Posted on October 29, 2016 by casewright

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Gentle Readers, Is it time for Michael Myers? Oh yeah. Is it time for Halloween H20? Oh Yeah! You bet your ass it is!

Halloween H20 is a lot of fun and had a deep bench of talent. Robert Zappia and Matt Greenberg wrote the film and Veteran Horror Director Steve Miner helmed it. Robert Zappia went on to write for Children’s Television and Graphic Novels. Matt Greenberg later wrote “Reign of Fire” and “1408” – both films had good moments of suspense. I wrote to Robert Zappia and he informed me that the rest stop scene, which I will discuss later was written by Matt Greenberg. He and director Steve Miner knew what they were doing to jolt us without any jumpscares. The casting was very well done and, it was, in fact a who’s who of soon to be Stars. Here we go!!!

Langdon, Illinois. October 28, 1998. I just needed to smell the clove cigarettes, see the flannel, and not see any cell phones to know it. A simpler time. For the uninitiated, the 90s were a time when you met someone that you had attraction for in person. A Nurse is concerned that her office was broken into by a person unknown. We see younger Joseph Gordon Levitt (Pre-Looper). He was not manly in any way, but a real heart throb in his “3rd Rock” days. Of course, they have him playing Hockey … somehow. Nurse asks Levitt to search her home. He goofs around and steals some beers. The Nurse realizes that her files were stolen. Which files? Wait for it…. Laurie Strode’s. She looks around for Levitt and his friend. They were not so creatively killed with Hockey Skates to the face. He kills her too and steals her car. There is also a bit of continuity trouble with the daylight turning to night abruptly. Let’s take a moment and think about this: Michael Myers is really good at intelligence gathering, stealing, and killing. If only we could harness his skills for Uncle Sugar…..

We’re goin back to Haddonfield to Haddonfield to Haddonfield …. Nah, I don’t think so! [sung]

Random California Town: We see Jamie Lee Curtis fresh off from “True Lies”and the Headmistress of an elite boarding school. She has a grown son- Josh Hartnett (Josh) who really really wants to go camping in Yosemite. She won’t let him go. Sorry Josh, you’re just gonna have to stay home and make out with Michelle Williams. How will he possibly manage?! Speaking of the 90s, we’ve got Michelle Williams (MW), Chicago Hope Guy (CHG), Jodi Lynn O’Keefe (Jodi), LL Cool J (LL Cool J), and Ally McBeal (jk on this last one…probably). Through some not bad showing not telling, we learn: LL Cool J is an aspiring trashy romance novel writer AKA as a Paaaaaperback Wriiiiiiter, Jamie Lee and CHG are k-i-s-s-i-n-g, Jodi is dating a guy way below her level of hotness, and we can tell Michelle Williams is on financial aid because she works in the kitchen and uses a dumbwaiter.

CUT TO: A Mom pulls into a rest stop. We see the stolen car in the BG. This scene is pretty goddamn suspenseful! Well done, Robert Zappia. MM isn’t there to kill, just steal the mom’s car. Damn, MM is a great car thief!

Josh is all in lurve with Michelle Williams, sending her flowers in the dumbwaiter. JLC and CHG make out again. These are the horniest baby boomers ever! Josh wants to go into town. JLC says no. He convinces LL Cool J to let him sneak out. LL, I get it – Josh is dreamy, but you have a job responsibilities. Plus, I don’t think he’s the supermarket romance novel kind of guy; Josh’s more of the porking Michelle Williams kind of guy. JLC is out with CHG and snakes a drink when he goes to the bathroom. Good showing! She catches Josh off the compound…I mean school grounds. He lets her have it.

Back to the school: JLC releases the kids to Yosemite and her son so she believes so that the victims ….I mean residents….can be a …killable number. JLC gets home and boozes up. Josh has totally Dawson’s Creeked the make out basement area. I’m with Josh on this one. I’ve been to Yosemite and Yellowstone and thye’ve got Old Faithful, but if Michelle Williams is your other option …I don’t even want to write choice because Old Faithful could get its feelings hurt. I’m not saying that Josh isn’t planning on some regularly scheduled eruptions coupled with amateur photography, but it’s likely not at a national park.

JLC and CHG are making out … again. She tells him all about her brother being a murdering sociopath to set the mood and give herself an excuse to polish off more vodka.

This story has been pretty compelling, but it’s stabbing time. MM finds the way too ugly to date Jodi O’Keefe guy, cuts his throat, and puts him in the dumbwaiter. MM really likes things in their place; it makes you wonder if psychopathic murderers are OCD people gone to a terrible extreme. I knew a girl in college who would check her car doors to see if they were locked over and over. Maybe she murdered people too? Jodi looks for her BF and gets stalked by MM. She flees to the dumbwaiter and is next to her dead BF. She gets to the basement, but as she exits, MM cuts the dumbwaiter cord, the dumbwaiter lands on her leg, and her leg breaks horribly. Josh and Michelle find their friends all dead. They run to JLC. She sees her brother – Yikes. They must have the most awkward Thanksgivings! Seriously, it must be much worse than the year my girls and I wore Bernie Sanders shirts and my mom started quoting Ayn Rand over stuffing.

They all run and CHG accidentally shoots LL J. Bummer. CHG gets stabbed for his trouble. JLC ,MW, and Josh run, but he gets wounded and MW hits MM with a rock. Michelle Williams might be perfect: smart, can cook, gorgeous, can fight … Call Me. JLC badasses and sends MW and Josh off to safety as she gets an axe to deal with her brother. You go girl! They confront each other in the dining hall. It’s a pretty amazingly suspenseful scene. Seriously, the writer and director really kicked ass with this and many other scenes. Well done. JLC gets the upper hand and stabs MM. She’s ready to cut him up into bits when LL shows up, telling her he’s dead. Word? If only LL had been reading our reviews, he would know that this is not the end.

The Coroners show up, but JLC isn’t having it! She grabs the van and proceeds to drive MM out to the woods and chop his head off. Pretty awesome ending! I have to be honest this film is not really dated, it has terrific suspense, great writing, edgy directing. I would recommend making this a staple of Halloween season viewing.

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Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; ALT Title: Anybody seen my pants? Really, I’m cold.

Posted on October 26, 2016 by casewright

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We open in rural …. Iowa? Illinois? Middlewest? We see lots of ramshackle farms and shitty halloween decorations, but that’s not all… there’s also a prison for the criminally insane. Apparently, it’s time to move Michael Myers from his basement asylum Hell to somewhere….else. MM is put in an ambulance for transport and proceeds to wake and stick his thumb through a man’s skull. I get it- MM is pissed, but why didn’t he use his thumb powers to get out of the prison basement?! Oops, I forgot to take my stupid pills….ahhhhh…. this is GENIUS!!!

We are in a suburban home and we meet Jaime who is the orphaned child of Jamie Lee Curtis AKA MM’s Niece. She is having all kinds of disturbing hallucinations of MM coming to get her. Her adoptive sister Rachel is not much help. She whines about babysitting her sister Jaime because she wants to be the latest conquest of the massively eye browed Brady.

Enter Donald Pleasance (DP). He’s all scarred up from his previous MM run-ins and limps his way to the Prison Administrator. They go back and forth: DP: MM is evil. Administrator: No, you are. DP: He’ll kill everyone. Administrator: You’ll kill everyone. DP: I’m evil. Administrator: No! MM is evi…. You got me! Phone Rings: MM has escaped.

MM has found a Diner/Gas Station who’s decor is wall to wall Abe Lincoln pictures. MM who is evil, and apparently a closeted supporter of John Wilkes Booth, kills everyone there. Donald Pleasance arrives and tries to kill MM and fails. MM steals a tow truck and drives off to Haddonfield, Illinois to purportedly kill his niece Jaime. DP is stranded and is forced to hitch rides.

Jaime is being bullied at school. Rachel picks her up to get a costume for Halloween, which you’d think would be this town’s least favorite holiday, but NOPE. They arrive at a drug store where one of the clerks is Kathleen Kinmont- the Sheriff’s daughter- who really really wants to sleep with Brady and Rachel is oblivious to this.

Rachel takes Jaime trick or treating and Brady decides to pork Kathleen Kinmont (KK) and gets totally busted when Rachel rings the bell and KK answers the door for some reason and for another some reason doesn’t have any pants on! Brady is in the background and no one seems phased that KK is without pants for 45 more minutes of the film. This cheating distracts Rachel, leaving Jaime on her own.

DP goes to the Haddonfield Sheriff and convinces him that MM has RETURNED!!! He lets the town know and a beer addled Drunken Posse forms. These men are beer fueled, shotgun toting, drunkards going on an MM hunt!!

The Drunk Posse thinks they’ve spotted MM, but they just shot up and murder a sleeping drunk guy. OOPS!

The Sheriff and DP find the police station filled with dead cops. They go outside and find Jaime and Rachel. They take the remaining police force to his house to make a last stand. This is where is gets weird…. Brady and KK are trying to pork and are interrupted by her dad the Sheriff and his deputy. KK never puts on pants even when her dad and his co-workers arrive. It could be a pants allergy. The Deputy proceeds to sit in a rocking chair…yep…a rocking chair. Huh? I was in the Army for a long time; I learned how to breach a building, hold a fixed position, and look awesome in Green, but I was never taught the Rocking Chair maneuver. Maybe, that was just for Delta Force guys.

Brady tries to board up the house a bit. KK checks on the deputy, but he’s dead. Looks like Myers did kill the DEP U TEE!!! [sung] Then, MM kills KK- She’s now pantsless forever with the angels in heaven. Jaime is upstairs with Rachel and MM goes after her. Brady tries to stop him, but MM kills him too. MM has more urge to kill than a person who had to sit through a 3 hour timeshare presentation.

The girls manage to escape: Jaime by being lowered slowly down from the roof and Rachel much more quickly by falling off the roof. They run for the school and MM pursues them. The Drunken Posse arrives and manages to not kill themselves or others for this scene only. They take the girls in the truck and drive away to safety …. or so they think!!! MM climbs up from under the truck Indiana Jones style and kills all of the Drunken Posse. Rachel takes the truck and slams on the brakes to get MM to fly off of the roof of the truck. She then runs him over. The Sheriff and some extras arrive to shoot up MM. Jaime goes to the now deceased MM and touches his corpse.

They go home and Jaime dresses up as a clown like MM did in Halloween 1 and stabs her adoptive mom to death. The End.

This is the most analysis this film has ever received or should, but it’s Halloween time. Thanks for enjoying this terrible film with me. Remember, as always, if you like my work, tell my boss Lisa Marie Bowman!!!

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28 Days Later

Posted on October 24, 2016 by casewright

There are A LOT of bad horror films out there and I mean Halloween Resurrection bad, but when you get a truly great one, it sticks with you for your life. This movie is more unique in that the writer Alex Garland really peaked with this film and there are IMDB credits to prove it. Danny Boyle directed the piece and you really feel as though you were inhabiting the after-times of a dead world….well, undead. Danny Boyle did Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 hours, but I know what you’re thinking- Did he write anything besides family films for Disney? Yes, he made this awesome zombie film.

We see shots of terrible violence and realize that monkeys are being forced to watch it. Then, Animal Rights Activists enter heavily armed with guns and sanctimony. The researcher begs them not to release the animals because they are infected with a terribly contagious disease and that the goal of their research is to find a cure for rage. The Animal Rights Activists patiently listen to the scientist instead of acting purely from smug instinct, dooming us all. Just kidding, they release one of the monkeys, it rips the animal rights activist apart, barf bleeds all over her, making her patient zero, and I try really hard not to root for the diseased monkey. The disease is out! Of course, many of us always knew that animal rights activists would lead to the zombie apocalypse. Just read their twitter feeds and you’ll know that they’ll doom us all. Fade to Black and 28 Days Later… appears as a subtitle in the bottom right….BRILLIANT!!!

Jim wakes from a coma to a dead world. Sound familiar? Yes, TWD went beyond homage there. He leaves the hospital to amazing details that really sell a dead London. Empty hospital, empty streets, garbage, worthless cash everywhere, a bus is overturned in front of parliament, and an amazing score reveals a World without people. If you’re looking for the song that plays when he’s walking around dead London during the opening – it’s by Godspeed You! Black Emperor – East Hastings – Long Version.

HOW DID THEY MAKE LONDON EMPTY? MERLIN! This is England, after all. Nah, Danny Boyle got MANY government officials to agree to let the production shutdown huge traffic arteries for 90 seconds at a time. London is one my most favorite cities and I would love to live there and it is Europe’s New York City, therefore, imagine shutting down Times Square for filming.

Jim gets chased by fast-moving zombies and meets Selena and a Red Shirt. He goes with them and realizes very quickly that he was probably better off in a coma. Jim insists on seeing his parents. They agree to take him and he finds them suicided on the bed clutching a note that reads- “With endless love, we left you sleeping. Now, we’re sleeping with you. Don’t wake up.” This is not your dad’s zombie movie. They decide to stay at his house for the night, but are attacked by zombies. Red Shirt gets infected and is dispatched by Selena. Jim and Selena must flee.

Jim and Selena venture forth and find Frank and his daughter Hannah. It hasn’t rained for some time, therefore -no water. For survival, they have to leave the city. Selena doesn’t want to go with Frank and his daughter because she sees them as anchors, but Jim insists and Hannah explains that we actually need each other. Frank plays a radio signal that beckons them to safety and they leave as one tribe. Along the way, there are some intense scenes and some shopping. They arrive at the salvation location, but Frank gets infected and is killed by soldiers.

Right away, you can tell that the soldiers are goofing off too much. I have commanded soldiers and there’s some level of goofing off, but this had an air of creepiness and broken discipline. The soldier’s have taken over a residence as their HQ and have put up defenses to keep zombies out and people in. We quickly learn that the radio message was a trap. Corporal Mitchell harasses Selena and a fight erupts. The Major breaks it up, but it’s clear that Jim, Hannah, and Selena are prisoners. The Major explains that the soldiers could not face a dead world and one attempted suicide. The Major had a plan- lure women to the compound with a radio signal. When they arrived, they would keep them prisoner to breed with his soldiers to restart civilization. He puts it simply: women equal hope. His logic and delivery is truly chilling in its cold mathematics.

They decide to execute Jim and a SGT who gets in their way and keep Hannah and Selena for reproduction. Corporal Mitchell and another Soldier take Jim and the SGT out for execution to a killing field. Corporal Mitchell wants to bayonet Jim, the other Soldier can’t handle that kind of intimate murder, leading to a melee. The SGT is killed and Jim escapes.

The next sequence is truly amazing because we see our hero morph from the sensitive man that he is naturally to a state of feral revenge indistinguishable from the fast-moving zombies. He’s shirtless to further emphasize his lack of civility as he makes short work of many of the soldiers to rescue Hannah and Selena. Corporal Mitchell who wanted to bayonet him and rape Selena becomes the focal point of Jim’s rage- Jim puts his thumbs deep into Corporal Mitchell’s eyes until he’s dead. This is a critical act of monstrosity because it shows not tells in the clearest finality that there is no separation between Jim’s blind rage and the rage that has infected the human population.

I don’t want to totally spoil the ending because this film will remain with you and is a must see. It’s commentary on violence and society is forever salient: Violence is horrific, but forced civilization is worse and will lead to the ultimate act of revenge – THUMBS IN YOUR EYEBALLS or some such equivalent. The other important lesson the film tries to inculcate is to beware of self-certain sanctimonious people because their grandiosity could doom us all.

28 Days Later (2002, dir by Danny Boyle)

Channel Zero: Candle Cove Episode 2, ALT Title: Choosy Tooth Monsters Choose Teeth

Posted on October 22, 2016 by casewright

Cold Open: There’s an Old Man walking around who sees corpses of kids on the ground and in a tree and doesn’t seem to care. Frankly, this is kind of how I felt about this episode. It wasn’t great. It had popping moments, but an overdose of sighs, pauses, and stares. I mean Twilight levels of stares. The pilot and episode 2 were written by Don Mancini of Child’s Play and Halloween Wars Season 6. I was really surprised that Don wrote episode 2. The pilot was creepy and popped, but episode 2 fizzled. This was a missed opportunity for a good show. Here we go.

Katie is back home and watching Candle Cove on the tv and then stabs her brother with a hook. Then, the show slows down to a crawl again.

Mike’s mom investigates the show and we get a lot of exposition about how the show was pirated onto RF signals and such. Honestly, this was the nadir of the show, but it still has promise, if the writers decide to stop feeding the story shots of nyquil and turkey sandwiches with gravy.

Hospital: Katie is under observation and their son Dane is in surgery. This will be an awkward Hallmark Card! Jessica (Katie’s mom) asks Mike to come back and talk to Katie. The Cop kinda doesn’t like this, but doesn’t put up much of a fight either. This is the theme of the whole episode…build up…fizzle…light random pop…fizzle. Mike goes to talk to Katie and sees a crayon picture on the wall depicting Candle Cove. He shows Katie the drawing, which….doesn’t achieve much. However, out of nowhere, Mike breaks the touch barrier with the kid, sending the dad into WTF-mode?! The action happens through a screen: once Mike leaves- the tooth monster snuggles Katie. This is creepy and gross, but not connected to the scene before it. Therefore, the discourse between Mike and Katie didn’t need to happen and was a time waster!

Mike goes back home and shows his mom the drawing. She believes it’s an “abandoned” cement plant. Mike and Mike’s Mom (MM) go to cleanest and still seemingly operational cement plant- No graffiti, no beer bottles, no trash, nothing to indicate that the cement plant is not kept up and will be turned back on in 30 minutes. In fact, it’s clinically clean. The art department really dropped the ball on this one. Mike goes into the spooooooky cement factory and finds his brother’s corpse. Then, Mike flashes back to stabbing his brother with a hook and burying him.

Mike goes to bed and sees the One-Character from Candle Cove who looks a lot like the lobster-thing from Futurama – upon research, it’s called Zoidberg and that’s what I’m calling this One-Eyed thing- Hi, Zoidberg. Zoidberg causes Mike to flash again to his mom talking to her beat up son. She says that when she told the bully’s parents, the bully’s mom laughed at her. This was not my upbringing. My mother, a 12 Generation Tarheel, is perpetually armed. If someone laughed at her after they had just ganged up and beat me up, I’d be visiting my badass Mom in Prison.

Mike goes to the kitchen and tells his mom, ‘BTDubs, I killed my brother.’ [paraphrased] She tells him to leave, he won’t, she cuts him with a big knife. Then, Mike takes a nap. I’m starting to wonder if any of these writers grew up with human families. The Cop shows up purportedly to arrest Mike, but not really. It’s very vague as to what he plans on doing besides putting him in the backseat of his car.

They make a big deal out of this backseat thing; therefore, I will address the stupidity. A cop needs to maintain control of a suspect for his safety and the safety of suspect. The car did not have a partition, therefore, having Mike in the back is stupid and dangerous. Furthermore, Mike is not restrained in any way. In this instance, the cop has a confessed murderer in custody and just has him in the back, with no cuffs, a clear shot taking out the cop, and relieving him of his service weapon! This show really needs to think sometimes with a bit of commonsense.

Cop doesn’t take Mike to the station; instead, Cop just keeps driving … for some reason. It’s not spooky, it’s just kinda dumb.

The show ends with Mike’s former English teacher feeding the tooth monster teeth. GROSS! Maybe, it’s Steve Martin under all of those teeth?!! HA HA!

The episode has some good creepy parts, but it seems to lack a strong reality through story to contrast the weirdo elements of the story. Channel Zero really needs to keep the real elements of the story real or this show will turn into a steaming pile very soon. I have a lot of faith that this was just a bad second episode, which is not uncommon if your pilot had so much meat that second episode seemed like leftovers. It would’ve benefitted from some sort of side-quest for Mike to accomplish.

Happy Halloween- it’s just around the corner!

Channel Zero: Candle Cove Season 1, Episode 1, ALT Title – The Tooth Fairy is Real … Real Hungry!

Posted on October 12, 2016 by casewright

Gentle Readers, it’s time to take a break from my stand alone film reviews and get something we can all sink our Teeth Into (you’ll get the pun later). It’s the Syfy Channel’s return to their awesomely dramatic roots. I will begin by writing that they delivered! If you dig suspense, good writing, and intricate plots, this show is not a bad bet.

Cold Open: A nightmare. Mike Painter, America’s Child Psychologist, is being interviewed by an asshole. The host pries deep into Mike’s private life and how his twin brother disappeared, several children were murdered in 1988, his blood type, and pictures of his colon – ok the last two were false, but the interviewer is a jerk. The host gives Mike water that has a dying fly in it. He puts Mike on the spot to talk to a creepy kid on the phone… who says “Why are you afraid to go home?” Then, the cameraman is a mannequin. What we got here is an unreliable narrator. We smash to the first of many odd smash cuts: a scarecrow on fire.

Mike heads home and briefly talks to his mom. She’s concerned that he is looking into the murders. He lies and says no. Mike goes to the Sheriff’s office and it’s a bit of exposition time, but not too bad. We learn that Mike’s buddy has become Sheriff and that the Sheriff’s son is a bit of a misfit. Mike wants the files on the murders. Mike dissembles that he’s writing a book about the murders. Sheriff wants to makes sure the book will be respectful and mentions that the victims were missing their teeth. YEECH! Sheriff is worried that his son is a weirdo and offers to trade files for some free psychoanalysis…. as you do. We also get a clue as to weirdness: there are reports of a person breaking into homes, but not stealing anything. Yikes!

Dinner Party: They discuss how the kids are watching too much tv. Mike checks in on Katie – the Sheriff’s daughter – who is watching a creepy puppet show. Mike mentions this when he returns to the dinner table. The show was called Candle Cove. The same show that they watched as children in 1988. It has a super creepy host called Jawbone – a puppet skeleton. The adults discuss the show some more and Mike leaves abruptly.

Mike has a flashback to bullies messing with his brother and he does nothing. They go home and the tv turns on and it’s the creepy puppet show Candle Cove. This show really ratchets up the creep factor. Seriously, you will be scared. We flashback back to Mike’s childhood room. He wakes and sees Jawbone in his room and Mike approaches him. When he touches Jawbone, he wakes in a field looking out at the woods. He notices a man in the woods as well.

Diner: Mike runs into his old English teacher and she quizzes him on grammar. We cut away to Katie’s room. She’s vanished. This show’s creep factor really goes up and up and up. A search party forms to look for Katie. Katie’s mom Jessica confronts Mike because she’s learned that he was not home for five hours the previous night. We learn that he was in psych ward a week ago. He begins to rave that it’s the show that somehow took Katie away. She rationally calls for help and he disappears. Mike is convinced that he can find Katie.

Mike goes to the Sheriff’s house and sees Dane the Sheriff’s son. Dane says, “She said you would ask” Taking a moment. This is becoming The Ring, Ju-on, When a Stranger Calls levels of creepy. Mike is convinced that he knows where Katie is. He flees into the woods towards a place called “Crow’s Nest”. We see a number of cutaways of burying bodies and hooks to the chest. Yep, hooks to the chest.

Mike sees Jawbone and reaches to touch it. Jawbone flees and leads him to Katie. Mike rescues Katie and when they leave, we see the MONSTER: a Thing Covered in Teeth. The Tooth Monster reaches out where Katie was sitting and takes away two bloody teeth. You wanna be scared, watch this series!

They have thrown Mike in jail because he rescued Katie…come again? Well, he’s in jail and gets released. When he gets home, he mentions Candle Cove to his mom. She responds that show was just static. We cut to all of the children of the town watching Candle Cove.

This show is absolute gooseflesh inducing. Where Stranger Things was dripping with nostalgia and gothic horror, Channel Zero taps into sheer Hitchcock suspense and Rod Serling terror. It’s a great show for October and just a great Thriller!

Ginger Snaps, Reviewed- BAM!

Posted on October 6, 2016 by casewright

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I need to begin this film review by writing that I LOVE THIS MOVIE…A LOT! There will be some geeking out- prepare yourselves. The ideal horror film takes an issue or life lesson and hides the message in something scary. The horror genre is not alone; good science fiction does this, but it’s rare. “Ginger Snaps” takes the milestone of 50% of the World’s population – the menarche and uses lycanthropy as a metaphor for it. Yes, you read that right- Werewolfism as a metaphor for the first menstrual cycle. I have two very young daughters and in an odd way, I feel a little more prepared. This film’s got it all: werewolves, a coming of age story, and Mimi Rogers. Yes, Mimi Rogers – a Voluptuous Artsy Smarty Pants (VASP) and the uber crush of my youth – is in Ginger Snaps.

We open in suburban Canada- every house looks the same. A mom is cleaning up yard waste and her son is playing in the sandbox with…. dog gore. The mom sees her son covered in their dog and their dog is opened all up. She freaks in the neighborhood and no one cares.

The story moves onto Brigitte and Ginger. Brigitte is the introspective sister and Ginger is the more gutsy one. They both are very Alternative and Gothish. In high school, these would be the girls whom I would’ve crushed on very awkwardly and they would’ve thought I was boring because I was into sports and pretty stammering. The sisters are obsessed with death. They stage elaborate death scenes of each other impaled, hanged, poisoned, overdosed, and suffocated (list not exclusive). They present this avant garde masterpiece to their teacher who thinks they’re whacko. Sidenote: I truly love the 1990s vibe the high school has!!!

The girls are trying to play Field Hockey. Brigette is being bullied by a Mean Girl. Then, Brigette trips into a dog and what I mean by into I mean there is ANOTHER mauled dog and Brigette is sitting in him. YEECH!

They get home and their mom- Mimi Rogers- is trying to connect with them. She recognizes the premenstrual symptoms that Ginger is having and tries to bond with her. It fails- Poor Beautiful Mimi Rogers. The girls sneak out of the house to kidnap the Mean Girl’s dog. While canine hunting, Ginger gets her period as she calls it The Curse and the Werewolf attacks her. Also, they call the lycanthropy a curse throughout the film. Ginger is mauled by the werewolf and is saved by Brigette, but the werewolf gives chase and is run over by a Drug Dealer’s van. Yep, forget silver to kill Werewolves; it’s all about an old school car. A Prius, however, would not likely save you because they suck and are terrible.

The girls get home and Ginger’s wounds are already healing. The movie continues with references to lunar cycles in relation to Ginger’s lunar and menstrual cycle. Ginger rapidly leaves Brigette behind as she begins to chase a bad boy and the occasional neighbor dog for a snack. Ginger also begins to dress more provocatively. Then, Ginger porks her boyfriend and she grows a tail. See what premarital sex will get you?! A Tail!

Brigette attracts the Mean Girl’s ex the Drug Dealer who ran over the werewolf. He comes up with some nifty werewolf-be-gone remedies: One being for Ginger to get a belly piercing- Ok, whatever works. Ginger gets more aggressive at school and beats the piss out of anyone who messes with Brigette. We see Ginger’s Boyfriend and he looks roughed because Ginger gave him her werewolf disease by knockin’ boots with him. The Drug Dealer guy figures out that mainlining wolf’s bane will cure Ginger.

The Mean Girl shows up at Brigette’s and Ginger’s home and hilariously slips and dies. Sorry, it was kind of funny. The girls bury her in the cellar. Later, Mimi Rogers finds the body of the Mean Girl and resolves to take the girls far away. Ginger kills a few more people and becomes more wolf-like and decides it’s time to party.

She tries to seduce Drug Dealer guy, but is thwarted by Brigette. Mimi loses track of her girls and is not seen again. Brigette distracts Ginger by mixing their blood with the hope that this will distract Ginger long enough to inject them both, curing them all. Does it work? Not so much. Ginger goes full-on werewolf, Brigette is becoming a werewolf, and …… You’ll just have to watch. I’m not spoiling the 3rd act of the best Metaphorical Horror Movie Ever! NO WAY! Go buy this film!!! It’s really awesome! If you buy Ginger Snaps and you don’t like it, you get to keep it. This film is just purely great! I know many of you like my snark alec a lot, but this movie just wonderful!