Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; ALT Title: Anybody seen my pants? Really, I’m cold.


We open in rural …. Iowa? Illinois? Middlewest?  We see lots of ramshackle farms and shitty halloween decorations, but that’s not all… there’s also a prison for the criminally insane.   Apparently, it’s time to move Michael Myers from his basement asylum Hell to somewhere….else.  MM is put in an ambulance for transport and proceeds to wake and stick his thumb through a man’s skull.  I get it- MM is pissed, but why didn’t he use his thumb powers to get out of the prison basement?!  Oops, I forgot to take my stupid pills….ahhhhh…. this is GENIUS!!!

We are in a suburban home and we meet Jaime who is the orphaned child of Jamie Lee Curtis AKA MM’s Niece.  She is having all kinds of disturbing hallucinations of MM coming to get her.  Her adoptive sister Rachel is not much help.  She whines about babysitting her sister Jaime because she wants to be the latest conquest of the massively eye browed Brady.

Enter Donald Pleasance (DP).  He’s all scarred up from his previous MM run-ins and limps his way to the Prison Administrator.  They go back and forth:  DP: MM is evil. Administrator: No, you are.  DP: He’ll kill everyone.  Administrator: You’ll kill everyone. DP: I’m evil.  Administrator: No! MM is evi…. You got me!  Phone Rings: MM has escaped.

MM has found a Diner/Gas Station who’s decor is wall to wall Abe Lincoln pictures.  MM who is evil, and apparently a closeted supporter of John Wilkes Booth, kills everyone there.  Donald Pleasance arrives and tries to kill MM and fails.  MM steals a tow truck and drives off to Haddonfield, Illinois to purportedly kill his niece Jaime.  DP is stranded and is forced to hitch rides.

Jaime is being bullied at school.  Rachel picks her up to get a costume for Halloween, which you’d think would be this town’s least favorite holiday, but NOPE.  They arrive at a drug store where one of the clerks is Kathleen Kinmont- the Sheriff’s daughter- who really really wants to sleep with Brady and Rachel is oblivious to this.

Rachel takes Jaime trick or treating and Brady decides to pork Kathleen Kinmont (KK) and gets totally busted when Rachel rings the bell and KK answers the door for some reason and for another some reason doesn’t have any pants on! Brady is in the background and no one seems phased that KK is without pants for 45 more minutes of the film.  This cheating distracts Rachel, leaving Jaime on her own.

DP goes to the Haddonfield Sheriff and convinces him that MM has RETURNED!!! He lets the town know and a beer addled Drunken Posse forms.  These men are beer fueled, shotgun toting, drunkards going on an MM hunt!!

The Drunk Posse thinks they’ve spotted MM, but they just shot up and murder a sleeping drunk guy.  OOPS!

The Sheriff and DP find the police station filled with dead cops.  They go outside and find Jaime and Rachel. They take the remaining police force to his house to make a last stand. This is where is gets weird….  Brady and KK are trying to pork and are interrupted by her dad the Sheriff and his deputy.  KK never puts on pants even when her dad and his co-workers arrive.  It could be a pants allergy.  The Deputy proceeds to sit in a rocking chair…yep…a rocking chair.  Huh?  I was in the Army for a long time;  I learned how to breach a building, hold a fixed position, and look awesome in Green, but I was never taught the Rocking Chair maneuver.  Maybe, that was just for Delta Force guys.

Brady tries to board up the house a bit.  KK checks on the deputy, but he’s dead.  Looks like Myers did kill the DEP U TEE!!! [sung]  Then, MM kills KK- She’s now pantsless forever with the angels in heaven.  Jaime is upstairs with Rachel and MM goes after her.  Brady tries to stop him, but MM kills him too.  MM has more urge to kill than a person who had to sit through a 3 hour timeshare presentation.

The girls manage to escape: Jaime by being lowered slowly down from the roof and Rachel much more quickly by falling off the roof.  They run for the school and MM pursues them. The Drunken Posse arrives and manages to not kill themselves or others for this scene only.  They take the girls in the truck and drive away to safety …. or so they think!!! MM climbs up from under the truck Indiana Jones style and kills all of the Drunken Posse. Rachel takes the truck and slams on the brakes to get MM to fly off of the roof of the truck. She then runs him over.  The Sheriff and some extras arrive to shoot up MM.  Jaime goes to the now deceased MM and touches his corpse.

They go home and Jaime dresses up as a clown like MM did in Halloween 1 and stabs her adoptive mom to death.  The End.

This is the most analysis this film has ever received or should, but it’s Halloween time. Thanks for enjoying this terrible film with me.  Remember, as always, if you like my work, tell my boss Lisa Marie Bowman!!!

2 responses to “Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; ALT Title: Anybody seen my pants? Really, I’m cold.

  1. Pingback: Horror Film Review: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (dir by Dominique Othenin-Girard) | Through the Shattered Lens

  2. Pingback: A Movie A Day #29: Boss of Bosses (2001, directed by Dwight H. Little) | Through the Shattered Lens

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