Monthly Archives: September 2023

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, David Cassidy gets married and Tina Louise meets the Blood Countess!

Episode 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on January 12th, 1980)

Danny Collier (David Cassidy) has come to the Island with his best friend, Ken Jason (Eddie Mekka).  Danny’s fantasy is to finally marry his fiancée over the weekend.  As he explains to Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, he’s tried to get married several times in the past and, every time, something happened that kept him from getting to the ceremony.  This weekend, though, he’s going to get married on the island and Tattoo is going to throw him a wonderful bachelor party!  When Mr. Roarke questions whether Danny really loves his wife-to-be, Danny explains that his fiancée is rich!

The main problem with this fantasy is that, from the start, Danny comes across as being a total jerk.  David Cassidy plays the entire role with this bizarre intensity that makes him come across as being an entitled frat boy.  I didn’t care about Danny and his wedding and, as a result, I really didn’t care when Danny woke up to discover that he had married Christie (Misty Rowe), the dancer from his bachelor party.  Danny was desperate to get the marriage annulled, even though it had already been consummated.  Unfortunately, Tattoo was of little help.  When Christie suddenly disappeared, Danny was arrested for her murder!

Wow, that took a turn.

Not to worry, though.  Danny escapes from jail, goes to a Fantasy Island dive bar, and discovers that Christie faked her own death so Danny could marry the woman that he has been pretending to love.  But then Danny realizes that Christie is who he loves so he stays married to her.  I felt bad for Christie since Danny came across as if he was destined to be bitter and washed-up by the time he hit 30.

You may have noticed that I said Tattoo was the one who explained to Danny that his marriage could not be annulled.  That’s because Mr. Roarke had a mission of his own to deal with in this episode.  When Lisa Corday (Tina Louise) came to the Island, her fantasy was one that caused Mr. Roarke much concern.  Haunted by nightmares, Lisa wanted to visit the castle that she frequently saw in her dreams.  Roarke immediately knew that the castle was the home of the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, the Hungarian noblewoman who was convicted of and executed for bathing in the blood of virgins.  Apparently, Mr. Roarke played a role in trapping Elizabeth Bathory’s evil spirit inside of her castle and Elizabeth was using Lisa to get revenge on Roarke!  (It should not be overlooked that, as a name, Lisa started out as a shortened version of Elizabeth.  Then, everyone realized how pretty the name was on its own that Lisa soon became more popular than Elizabeth.)  Roarke accompanied Lisa to the castle and, when Elizabeth’s spirit possessed Lisa, Roarke was there to battle Elizabeth, rescue Lisa, and banish Elizabeth back to Hell.

Wow, that’s pretty intense for Fantasy Island!

The Elizabeth Bathory storyline was so well-done and energetically acted by both Tina Louise and Ricardo Montalban that it more than made up for all the nonsense with David Cassidy.  The castle was wonderfully creepy and Tina Louise portrayed demonic possession with the best of them.  The whole storyline was wonderfully melodramatic and over the top.  It also took advantage of the fact that, after three seasons, we’re still not quite sure who Mr. Roarke is.  This episode suggests that Roarke has been around for a very long time and that he’s even more powerful than previously hinted.

Thanks to the evil efforts of Elizabeth Bathory, this was one of better episodes of Fantasy Island’s third season.  Not even David Cassidy could bring it down.

Here’s The Trailer for Dream Scenario

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, I shared the trailer for Butcher’s Crossing, a Nicolas Cage western.

Today, I’m sharing a trailer for another Nicolas Cage film.  Dream Scenario made quite an impression on the critics when it premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival, with several critics saying that it was the best film to feature Cage since Pig.  The film features Cage as a professor who becomes famous when he starts showing up in people’s dreams and it is being distributed by A24, who triumphed at this year’s Oscar ceremony with Everything Everywhere All At Once.

Dream Scenario is set to be released in November.  Here’s the trailer!

Music Video of the Day: One More Reason by L.A. Guns (1988, directed by Ralph Ziman)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

L.A. Guns is a band that has had a long and storied history, from their initial formation in 1983 to the brief moment when they joined with Axl Rose and became known as Guns N’ Roses to Tracii Guns leaving Guns N’ Roses after conflict with Rose and then forming a second version of L.A. Guns.  Unfortunately, L.A. Guns’s history is so intertwined with Guns N’ Roses that it is sometimes overlooked that L.A. Guns could rock just as much as Axl’s band.

At the same time that Guns N’ Roses were releasing their first music videos and making their mark on MTV, L.A. Guns released their video for One More Reason, one of the most apocalyptic looks at Los Angeles ever put on film.

This video was directed by Ralph Ziman, who has also worked with Ozzy Osbourne, Toni Braxton, and Faith No More.

Enjoy!

Here’s The Trailer For Woman In the Maze

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Welcome to Jerome!”

Woman In The Maze is an upcoming horror film about a woman who visits America’s biggest ghost town and ends up staying in a house that apparently does not want her to leave.  The house is so intent on keeping her there that it turns into a maze.

The same thing seems to happen to me whenever I stay at a hotel.  You don’t know want to know how many times I’ve gotten off on the wrong floor and tried to enter the wrong room!

Here’s the trailer for this film, which is due to be released on October 6th!

Here’s The Trailer for Miranda’s Victim

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The upcoming film, Miranda’s Victim, takes a look at the crime that was at heart of the Supreme Court’s once-infamous Miranda decision.  Trish Weir (played by Abigail Breslin) was raped by Ernesto Miranda (Sebastian Quinn).  Miranda confessed to the crime will being interrogated but his conviction was overturned by the Supreme Court, who decided that Miranda had not been fully informed of his rights.  Ernesto Miranda is the reason why we still hear talk of whether or not a suspect had been properly “mirandized.”  Told from the point of view of Trish, the film appears to be offering up a perspective that is far too often ignored when it comes to films about “miscarriages of justice.”  That Ernesto Miranda become a cause célèbre for some does not make him any less guilty of the crime that he committed.

This is one of those films that seems like it was made specifically to appeal to me.  Along with the story’s historical context, the cast is full of intriguing names.  Along with Abigail Breslin and Sebastian Quinn, supporting roles are played by Luke Wilson, Kyle MacLachlan, Ryan Phillipe, Mireille Enos, Emily VanCamp, Andy Garcia, and Donald Sutherland.  Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing Kyle MacLachlan’s performance as Earl Warren.

Here’s the trailer!

Here’s The Trailer For Butcher’s Crossing

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Really?  We’ve got a second Nicolas Cage western coming out this year?

Actually, Butcher’s Crossing has been on the festival circuit since last year and, critically, it’s been slightly better received than The Old Way.  Based on a 1960 novel, it features Cage as a buffalo hunter who becomes a mentor of sorts to a young Harvard grad who has decided to experience the old west for himself.  None other than Cormac McCarthy cited the novel as being a favorite of his.  This could be an intriguing role for Cage.

Here’s the trailer!

The TSL Grindhouse: Double Nickels (dir by Jack Vacek)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 1977, Double Nickels tells the story of two California highway patrolman.  Smokey (Jack Vacek) and Ed (Ed Abrams) have been tasked with enforcing the speed limit but they’re usually too busy chasing each other up and down the highway to worry about doing their job and, in fact, they even have a friendly relationship with the local street racers.

Now, you may think Smokey and Ed are just wasting the tax payer’s money by taking such a casual attitude towards their work and technically, you’re right.  But let’s be honest.  Nobody likes the speed limit.  There’s a reason why it’s usually the rural speed limit signs that end up getting used for target practice.  Smokey and Ed are a part of the system for the paycheck but, deep down, they hate the system just as much as the rest of us do.  They’re fighting the Man by taking his money and refusing to enforce his rules.

Anyway, one day, Smokey and Ed pull over George (George Cole).  George explains that he’s got a pretty good thing going as a repo man.  He and his associates drive up and down the California highways, repossessing cars for non-payment.  George says that he could always use some help and Smokey and Ed decided to take him up on the offer.  The only problem is that, as employees of the Highway Patrol, they’re not allowed to moonlight.  So, when they repossess a car, they have to do it without getting caught by either the local police or the car’s former owners.

Double Nickels establishes its pattern early on.  Smokey and Ed stake out a house and see the car that they’re repossessing.  They repossess the car.  They end up getting chased around by either the cops or the car’s owner or both.  Smokey and Ed trade a few lame quips and then flirt with their waitress girlfriends.  Eventually, George realizes that the people who have hired him are actually car thieves and Smokey and Ed have to break up the car theft ring but, regardless of any individual complications, the pattern pretty much remains the same throughout the film, with mild comedic moments followed by an elaborate car chase.

As long as the film focuses on the cars, it’s fine.  The cars are the true star of the film.  Jack Vacek and several other members of the cast and crew were previously involved with the production of the original Gone In 60 Seconds.  Double Nickels never comes anywhere close to being as entertaining as Gone In 60 Seconds but the car chases are still exciting enough to hold the viewer’s attention.  Where Double Nickels struggles is whenever the focus shifts to the guys driving the car, as neither Jack Vacek nor Ed Arbams were particularly charismatic actors and neither really had the comedic timing necessary to pull off the film’s humor.

Despite its flaws, Double Nickels does have something of a following.  Its popularity actually makes sense.  Because the film’s plot is so simple, you can literally start watching the film at any point and automatically know exactly what’s going on.  The makers of Double Nickels understood that, above all else, audiences love to watch fast cars do their thing.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.2 “Brother’s Keeper: Part Two”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we learn who Tubbs really is and one scene changes television forever.

Episode 1.2 “Brother Keeper: Part Two”

(Directed by Thomas Carter, originally aired on September 16th, 1984)

The pilot for Miami Vice originally aired as a two-hour made-for-TV movie but, when it was released in syndication, it was split into two separate episodes.  That’s the way it’s usually aired on the retro stations and that’s also the way that it’s featured on Tubi.  And, as you can tell, that’s the way that I’ve decided to review it for this site.

Picking up where the first half ended, Brother’s Keeper: Part Two finds Sonny and Tubbs searching through the deceased Leon’s apartment.  Calderone’s men obviously visited the place and ransacked it before Sonny and Tubbs arrived but Sonny still manages to find Leon’s collection of important phone numbers.  Tubbs is surprised to discover that Leon lived in a very nice apartment but that’s the way things work in Miami.  Cocaine means big money and any one willing to take the risk can live like a king.  While the cops and the regular people go home to small apartments and houses that they can barely afford, the successful criminal lives a life of relative luxury.  The question is less why so many people are dealing drugs as why so many people aren’t.

While searching the apartment, Tubbs suddenly realizes that Sonny Crockett used to be a football star with the University of Florida.  (“You were a funky honky!” Tubbs exclaims.)  Apparently, Sonny was one of the best but a series of injuries ended his NFL dreams and, instead of going pro, Sonny did two tours of duty in Vietnam.  (The South Asian conference, Sonny calls it.)  Myself, I’m wondering how a semi-famous former football player can also be an undercover detective, working under a false name.  Wouldn’t he always be worried that a drug dealer would recognize him from the college days and figure out that Sonny Burnett was actually Sonny Crockett?

Sonny’s co-worker and girlfriend, Gina (Saundra Santiago), takes a break from working the undercover prostitution detail and lets Sonny know that she did a background check on Raphael Tubbs and he’s dead!  Raphael was a New York cop who was killed in shootout weeks before the other Tubbs landed in Miami.  When Sonny confronts him about this, Tubbs admits that he’s actually Ricardo, Raphael’s younger brother.  Raphael was a decorated Brooklyn detective.  Rico Tubbs, on the other hand, was a Bronx beat cop who forged a lot of documents in order to come down to Florida and convince Vice to allow him to work the Calderone case.  Sonny isn’t happy about being lied to but he has a lot more to worry about because, the night before, he apparently rolled over to Gina and whispered his ex-wife’s name in her ear!  Needless to say, things are a bit awkward between just about everyone.

Actually, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe what happens when Tubbs suggests that Lt. Rodriguez could be Calderone’s mole.  Sonny refuses to consider it until he overhears Rodriguez talking about enrolling his son in a pricey private school.  Fortunately, Rodriguez is innocent and the real mole’s number is found in Leon’s apartment.  Unfortunately, that number belongs to Sonny’s former partner, Scott Wheeler (Bill Smitrovich)!

After getting Wheeler to confess and turning him over to Rodriguez, Sonny and Tubbs drive down the dark streets of Miami at night, heading towards a rendezvous  with Calderone.  They don’t say much.  Tubbs loads his shotgun.  Sonny stops and makes a call to his ex-wife, something that his former partner Eddie didn’t get to do before he was killed.  The neon of Miami glows menacingly in the darkness.  Meanwhile, in the background, Phil Collins sings In the Air Tonight….

And it’s an absolutely beautiful sequence.  Between the surreal menace of Miami at night, the atmosphere of impending doom, and the moody song playing in the background, this sequence plays out like a surreal dream.  Both Tubbs and Crockett know that they are quite possibly driving to their death but, at this point, they have no other choice.  Too many people have died to turn back.  Neither Sonny nor Tubbs has anything in their life at that moment, beyond arresting Calderone.

And they do manage to arrest Calderone, along with killing quite a few of his associates.  However, Calderone is released by a crooked judge and flies away in a private airplane while Sonny and Tubbs can only stand on the runway and watch.  Sonny says that Calderone will return eventually.  Tubbs replies that he probably doesn’t have a job anymore.  Sonny asks Tubbs if he’s interested in a “career in Southern law enforcement.”

The second part of the pilot was dominated by that one scene of Tubbs and Sonny driving down the street.  And that scene was so strong and it made such an impression that it’s easy to ignore that the rest of Brother’s Keeper Part Two was not quite as exciting as Part One.  If the first part of the pilot set up Miami as a hedonistic playground of the rich and corrupt, the second part felt a bit more conventional in its approach.  Or, at least, it did until Phil Collins started to sing and play the drums.  One cannot understate the importance of that one scene.  That one scene, done with next to no dialogue, pretty much told the viewer everything that they needed to know about the show, about Miami, and about Crockett and Tubbs as partners.  In that scene, the show reminded us that no one is guaranteed to get out alive.

Next week: Crockett and Tubbs infiltrate an undercover pornography ring and Ed O’Neill appears as an FBI agent who may have gone over to the dark side.