Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the Sweathogs meet John Astin and Gabe goes to the doctor!

Episode 2.5 “The Museum”

(Dir by Bill Davis, originally aired on October 28th, 1976)

Mr. Woodman steps out of his office, just to find Gabe waiting for him.

“Mr. Woodman,” Gabe says, “did I ever tell you about the black sheep of my family?”

“I thought that was you,” Woodman replies.

Wow!  Woodman has clearly already won this exchange but Gabe still proceeds to tell Mr. Woodman about his Uncle Lefty Kotter, who was a gambler.  Mr. Woodman dramatically sighs and walks out of the office.  See, Gabe, not everyone’s as patient as Julie.

After the opening credits, we find Gabe and Julie preparing the Sweathogs for a field trip to the Museum of Natural History.  Barbarino is super excited because he’s never been to a real museum before.  He explains that he did go to a wax museum once.  “I saw Raquel Welch,” Barbarino explains, “Did you know that wax come right off in your hands?”

When Mr. Woodman comes out of his office to complain about the Sweathogs being taken off campus, Epstein explains that they’ve decide to take Woodman to the museum with them.  Freddie announces that Woodman is going to be his field trip buddy.  Personally, I think it would be fun to go on a field trip with Mr. Woodman because Mr. Woodman is clearly insane.

When the Sweathogs reach the museum, it actually looks a lot like one of those “horror dungeon museums” that always seem to pop up around Halloween.

Arnold is frightened of the museum and tosses a bunch of salt over his shoulder and into Epstein’s eyes.  (Yes, Arnold is carrying a salt shaker with him.)  Gabe asks the museum curator, Mr. Gore (John Astin), to assure Arnold that there is no reason to be scared.  Mr. Gore explains that his name is pronounced “Gor-ay,” and then says that there are powers in the world about which one should not joke.  “There are forces here,” Gore explains, “that do not appreciate one-liners!”  Uh-oh, Gabe’s in trouble!

Barbarino and Freddie are also in trouble because they’ve entered an exclusive room that is home to an Egyptian mummy!

“This room is for VIPs only!” Mr. Gore declares.

“I am a VIP,” Barbarino protests.  “I’m a Very Italian Person.”

Mr. Gore agrees to show the Sweathogs the Egyptian room on the condition that they touch nothing.  “Or else you’ll risk the wrath of the pharohs!”  Julie proceeds to say that the mummy doesn’t look a day over 2500 years old.  Gabe jokes about the Mummy being named Pew.  Mr. Gore, having grown annoyed, dares Gabe to open a cursed sarcophogus and risk the Mummy coming back to life.  Gabe opens it, just to have Horshack step out of it.

“Hello,” Horshack says, “how are ya?”

Gore faints.  Woodman announces that it’s time for the Sweathogs to return to the school.  One problem, the door to the Egyptian room has slammed shut and cannot be opened.  “Its the Curse of Pew!” a delirious Gore says.

Gabe explains that they’ll probably be trapped in the room until the next morning and then proceeds to give a mock eulogy for Pew The Mummy.

“We’re doomed!” Woodman shouts, “All doomed!”

Mr. Gore finally wakes up and says that he’s sure the curator will come to their rescue.

“Mr. Gor-ay,” Gabe says, “You’re the curator”

“How unfortunate,” Gore replies.

With everyone trapped in the Egyptian Room together, Horshack worries that he’ll never get a chance to meet Marie Osmond.  When Gabe notices that there’s an air duct that someone could crawl through to get help, Horshack volunteers.  Unfortunately, it turns out that the air duct just circles around the room so Horshack returns and continues to think about becoming an Osmond.

“I may be dying,” Woodman yells, “But I’m taking you Sweathogs with me!  The mummy is going to get us if we don’t get out!”

Mr. Gore suggests that the Mummy might be satisfied with a human sacrifice.  Woodman calls for Horshack to come over.

Fortunately, Epstein says that he’s seen enough home repair shows to know how to find “the stress part” of the door and open it.  He taps on the door and …. it opens!  The audience goes wild, even if it does seem like kind of an anticlimactic way to end the episode.  But at least Epstein got to be the hero for once.

This episode was cartoonish, even by the standards of Welcome Back Kotter, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that this episode aired three days before Halloween.  This was a holiday episode and I imagine it was a lot of fun when viewed on a dark and stormy night in 1976.

Episode 2.6 “Gabe Under Pressure”

(Dir by Jay Sandrich, originally aired on November 4th, 1976)

Julie brings Gabe his lunch.

“Did I ever tell you about my uncle who thought he was a horse?” Gabe asks.  He proceeds to tell her about him.  Julie smiles tolerantly.

As for the main storyline, the free clinic (where Julie volunteers) is offering free physicals at Buchanan High.  Gabe expects the Sweathogs to take advantage of the offer but he himself refuses to go to the doctor to find out why he has a pain in his chest.  It turns out that Gabe is scared of doctors!  The Sweathogs are concerned enough to show up at Gabe’s apartment.  Barbarino tries to take Gabe’s pulse.  When Gabe asks if Barbarino knows what he’s doing, Barbarino replies, “I know it like the back of my hand.”  Barbarino then gets distracted by the back of his hand.

Touched by the concern of his students, Gabe conquers his fear and sees the doctor.  Gabe discovers he is okay and everyone watching learns a lesson about getting a regular check-up.  It’s a pretty simple episode, one that is probably most interesting for having aired two days after the 1976 presidential election.  Kotter went to the doctor and Carter went to the White House but Mr. Woodman stayed right where he was.

Later, with the physical having been completed, Gabe tells Mr. Woodman, “You have to hear about my Uncle Kermit Kotter!”

“No, I don’t, Kotter!” Woodman replies.

Gabe says that his Uncle Kermit always used to walk by a bakery and he would see a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread.  One day, Uncle Kermit walked by and the woman was hitting her son with a chocolate cake.  Gabe says that his Uncle Kermit asked why the woman was hitting her son with a chocolate cake and….

“And the woman says because it’s his birthday,” Woodman replies, “I already heard it, Kotter.”

Seriously, John Sylvester White was a national treasure.