If you’ve seen enough Lifetime films, you know that it’s never a good idea to move to the suburbs.
I mean, sure. Inevitably, you’ll end up living in a big house. And you’ll have all the closet space in the world. And your neighbors will all be really sexy and witty and they’ll always invite you over to have a glass of wine and gossip about everyone’s deep, dark secrets. I mean, it sounds like a great idea but things never work out as well as they should.
For example, just check out the latest Lifetime movie, Suburban Swingers Club.
Everything you need to know about the film is right there in the title. It takes place in the suburbs. There’s a club. And they’re all swingers. And when I say swingers, I mean they’re real swingers. They’re not like Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally in those annoying Sling commercials. No, these are people who get together and toss their house keys into a punch bowl. Each night, keys are randomly drawn and neighbors go upstairs together. Of course, only the really wealthy and attractive neighbors get to take part. For instance, there’s this old guy who is occasionally seen standing out in his front yard. He never gets invited.
As soon as Lori (Dana Davis) and Grant (Jesse Ruda) move into the neighborhood, they’re invited to join the club. Grant is immediately intrigued while Lori is immediately weirded out by the whole idea. In fact, Lori thinks that Grant might just be looking for an excuse to have an affair. Their marriage has been rocky ever since the death of their baby. However, then Lori catches sight of the neighbor across the road, doing manly stuff without his shirt on. In fact, Noah (James William O’Halloran) doesn’t even seem to own a shirt! Lori eventually tells Grant that they can swing as long as 1) they’re totally honest about it, 2) they think about each other while having sex with other people, and 3) they stop doing it as soon as one of them objects. Grant’s like, “That’s a lot of rules but as long as I get laid, I’m happy.”
However, it doesn’t take long until Grant’s no longer happy. Lori ends up pulling Noah’s key and soon Grant is getting jealous. Grant says that he’s exercising his right to say “stop.” Lori explains the situation to Noah and Noah is like, “Well, no one told me about any rules!” Soon, Noah is stalking Lori and Grant is threatening to kill him. Of course, when Noah turns up dead, Grant automatically becomes the number one suspect….
Unfortunately, this film doesn’t feature quite as much swinging as I was expecting. It doesn’t take long for Grant to get jealous and exercise his “stop” option and after that, the film becomes a fairly typical Lifetime stalking film. But no matter. I still enjoyed Suburban Swingers Club, if just because the film didn’t waste anytime plunging into its story of suburban melodrama. This is one of those films where your new neighbors come over, take one look at you, and then invite you to join a swinger’s club. Lori can’t even look out of her bedroom window without seeing two people having sex across the street and, once morning comes, it’s time for Noah to start casually walking around outside without his shirt on. Suburban Swingers Club is like the Lifetime version of one of those wonderfully campy 60s sexploitation films where bored housewives seduce the pool cleaner and the whole thing is written, directed, and acted with just enough self-awareness to let us know that the film is cheerfully aware of its excesses. It’s a lot of fun, as any swinging club should be. Joe Sarno would be proud.