Way back in January, I took the time to read the 1966 novel, Valley of the Dolls.  While I had already seen the film that this work inspired, this was my first time to read the actual book.

Before I even opened to the front page, I knew that Valley of the Dolls had been a best-seller, that it inspired a countless number of imitations, and that it had a reputation for being really, really bad.  As soon as I started to read the first chapter, I discovered that the book’s reputation was well-earned.  To call author Jacqueline Susann’s prose clunky was a bit of an insult to clunky prose everywhere.

Opening in 1945 and covering 24 years in cultural, sexual, and drug history, Valley of the Dolls starts with Anne Welles leaving her boring home in New England and relocating to New York, where she promptly gets a job at a theatrical agency.  Everyone tells Anne that she’s beautiful and should be trying to become a star but Anne says that she’s not interested in that.  (You’ll be thoroughly sick of Anne’s modesty before reaching the tenth page.)  Everyone says that Anne is incredibly intelligent, even though she never really does anything intelligent.  Everyone says that she’s witty, even though she never says anything that’s particularly funny.  In short, Anne Welles is perhaps the most annoying literary character of all time.  Anne spends about 20 years waiting for her chance to marry aspiring author Lyon Burke.  When she does, Lyon turns out to be a heel and drives Anne to start taking drugs.  I assume it’s meant to be somewhat tragic but who knows?  Maybe all of the pills (or “the dolls” as the characters in the book call them) will give Anne a personality.

They certainly worl wonders for everyone else in the book.  Neely O’Hara is constantly taking pills and she’s the best character in the book.  Unlike Anne, she’s never modest.  She’s never quiet.  She’s actually funny.  Even more importantly, she doesn’t spend the whole book obsessing over one man.  Instead, she’s always either throwing a tantrum or having an affair or abandoning her children or getting sent to a mental institution.  Neely’s a lot of fun.  Unfortunately, we don’t really get to see much of Neely until after having to slog through a hundred or so pages of Anne being boring.

The other major character is Jennifer North, a starlet who was apparently based on Marilyn Monroe.  The parts of the book dealing with Jennifer are actually about as close as Valley of the Dolls actually gets to being, for lack of a better term, good.  In fact, if the book just dealt with Jennifer’s tragice story, it would probably be remembered as a minor classic.  Instead, Jennifer is often overshadowed by Neely (which is understandable since Neely’s insane and therefore capable of saying anything) and Anne (who, as I mentioned before, is the most annoying literary characters of all time).

Why is Valley of the Dolls a guilty pleasure?  A lot of it is because of all of the sexual melodrama and pill-popping, the descriptions of which are often so overwritten that they’re unintentionally hilarious.  Most of it is because Neely O’Hara goes crazy with so much overwrought style.    Whenever the book focuses on Neely, Susann’s inartful prose is replaced with a stream-of-consciousness tour of Neely’s paranoid and petty mind.  Interestingly enough, some of the most infamous scenes from the movie are also present in the novel.  Remember that scene where Neely rips off Helen Lawson’s wig and then flushes it down a toilet?  That’s actually in the book!

Anyway, it’s an incredibly silly but compulsively readable book … or, at least, it is if you can make it through all the boring stuff with Anne at the beginning.  Then again, as annoying as Anne is, she doesn’t exactly get a happy ending.  Perhaps that’s why Valley of the Dolls is such a guilty pleasure.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

1. Half-Baked
2. Save The Last Dance
3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
5. Invasion USA
6. The Golden Child
7. Final Destination 2
8. Paparazzi
9. The Principal
10. The Substitute
11. Terror In The Family
12. Pandorum
13. Lambada
14. Fear
15. Cocktail
16. Keep Off The Grass
17. Girls, Girls, Girls
18. Class
19. Tart
20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
21. Hawk the Slayer
22. Battle Beyond the Stars
23. Meridian
24. Walk of Shame
25. From Justin To Kelly
26. Project Greenlight
27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings
28. Swimfan
29. On the Line
30. Wolfen
31. Hail Caesar!
32. It’s So Cold In The D
33. In the Mix
34. Healed By Grace