Film Review: The Encounter (2010, dir. David A.R. White)


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A few months back Lisa suggested that after I finish with Hallmark movies I take a look at this film. Seeing as I am still battling the onslaught of Hallmark movies, I decided to just go ahead and take a look at it now. I have to admit, I was intrigued by the plot summary. I mean I know why God was running a bar on August 8th, 1953.

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He was there to tell Dr. Sam Beckett that by making differences in the lives of those who he had met during his journey leaping around in time putting right what once went wrong that he had in turn touched more lives than he could imagine. He was also there to finally let Sam give the greatest gift he possible could to his friend and guardian angel Al. That being, to visit Al’s first wife Beth and tell her to wait just a little longer because Al would be found in Vietnam, and be repatriated. And of course, to bring the show Quantum Leap to a close. A show that, along with MacGyver and Real Genius, taught me not to be ashamed of being smart and different. That the world will always need smart people. Not just any smart people either. Smart people who leverage their intelligence to help others. Unconditional help, kindness, acceptance, and love. No membership or surrender required.

So let’s find out what God is doing at a roadside diner roughly 60 years later.

I started the DVD, and I know this isn’t the filmmakers fault, but should I really be seeing this on any film, let alone one that is supposed to be about an encounter with Jesus?

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Apparently, I can be put in jail for up to five years and/or receive a $250,000 fine for making a copy of the DVD. At present, running a red light, which can kill people, will only get you about a $500 fine in California.

The movie opens up and we begin to be introduced to our characters. There is a young girl walking down a country road at night with fog around. A car is coming and instead of moving to the side of the road like a smart person would, she moves further into the middle of the road and swings her arms around. Even the most careful driver, which he isn’t by looking at his cellphone, can accidentally hit someone who isn’t wearing any reflective clothing standing on a dark foggy country road no matter where they stand. But, when we cut to the businessman inside the car and hear him say “what an idiot”, we are supposed to know he is a bad guy.

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Next, we meet the characters who are the central focus of this film. They are a married couple. The wife obviously wants out of the marriage, but the husband clearly still cares about her. Just in case we don’t know the kind of person she’s going to be portrayed as, they have her say, “Yeah, as long as being me means being Mrs. Hank Miller.” in response to him saying, “I’m not stopping you from being you.” Sounds a little on the vague side. It never really gets any better than that. They too are traveling on this same road and spot the girl walking along it. He wants to pick her up, but his wife doesn’t. Again, meant to setup her character as needing redemption except it’s never safe to pick up hitchhikers no matter what their age might be. This doesn’t establish anything as far as she’s concerned, but it does show a lack of backbone in him. Oh, and by the way, she also steps out into the middle of the road again. She’s not the brightest person in the movie.

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Next comes this lady who is also traveling on this road. See the subtitle? I’m glad I had them on because the voice is so low that I didn’t actually hear it. It’s supposed to be the voice of Jesus telling her to pick up the girl. He also tried to tell the husband to do the same thing, but since that didn’t pan out, he tried the next person who came along. Of course she does.

After a brief glance at the diner the film will take place in as one of them passes it, we meet one of two actors who are well cast in this movie.

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This guy (Kass Connors) has an important role, and in the short time he’s on screen he’s good. He does look like he belongs on the set of an 80s slasher movie, but still. I guess I am a little biased seeing as he does remind me of the sheriff from The Boogieman episode of Quantum Leap where the Devil confronts Sam about fixing the things that the Devil made wrong.

He tells the people that the road is out. Seeing as the lady who picked up the girl spotted the Last Chance Diner, she suggests they go back to it. The officer tells them there “was a diner” and to “tell the guy at the diner Officer DeVille sent you.” Spoiler alert! He’s the Devil. Think they’re gonna explain why he has conveniently cut off the roads so these people will go and talk with Jesus? Then you are clearly watching the wrong movie. Remember, this movie could have the alternative title of Salvation: It’s Your Decision.

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They go to the Last Chance Diner and we meet Jesus. And this shot is probably as good a time as any to point out a real systemic problem with this movie. Even if you have no issues with the material. Even if you know this is the kind of movie clearly made for you. It is poorly shot. As you can see actor Bruce Marchiano’s face is out of focus. That happens a lot in this movie. The camera is shaking all the time as well. There’s actually a point where the focus is moving from a character in the background to one in the foreground, but mid change it just cuts away to something else. For anyone watching this movie, these problems really do get annoying and get in the way of the film. And there are other such issues that I’ll point out as we go along.

Before I do continue, I want to mention that just as Kass Connors is well cast as the Devil, Bruce Marchiano is well cast as Jesus. He’s got the right looks for the role and the charisma. I just wish that he was given a more fleshed out and three dimensional character to play here. You do get a few brief glimpses of the kind of performance he could give with a better script, but then he has to go back to what has been written for him, which is unfortunate.

Before anything Jesus responds to a comment that the state trooper said his place was closed with that he has been trying to keep people away from him for years. Then he’s really lousy at it because he shut off the road giving them no choice but to turn around and go to the diner. I’m sure it all has to do with the free will thing. And by free will in this movie, I mean either become a Christian or the Devil is going to take you away. That is the only option given these characters. Jesus even stops time if you pay attention to the clock that never moves in his diner.

The first thing we learn, aside from his name, is that the only drink he serves is water. They even have Jesus say it’s “two molecules of hydrogen and one of oxygen.” His own recipe as he puts it. Think he’s gonna turn that into wine at some point? Nope, but somebody does ask him to do it. He just doesn’t. Have to admit I’m surprised he didn’t answer the request with: “Wouldn’t want to send you out onto the road tipsy, now would I?” Also, if he only serves water, then why are there signs on his wall offering Root Beer, Coke, and Lemonade?

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I know the prices are meant to evoke the 1950s look of the diner, but considering he will immediately and consistently say he only serves water, then it’s confusing. They sort of explain it by saying he took over the diner from someone a long time ago, but still, it’s a sign right behind him saying he serves the very thing he says he won’t. It’s just another one of these little things that should have been fixed before the movie was finished.

Now of course people need to get some food. It goes without saying that the phone doesn’t work and that Jesus knows all their names. We learn that the businessman is an ex-football player who runs a chain of successful restaurants. When Jesus is asked for a recommendation on what to have for dinner, he says he has a special knack for knowing what people want and need. It also goes without saying that everything he’s going to offer is free. Course we’re talking free as in you have to accept all the things I ask of you or the Devil gets you. I think I would have preferred the food offered unconditionally to these people who are hungry. Then again, this isn’t a community kitchen at a Sikh temple, and it is a movie.

There’s a humorous little scene where the husband says it’s a little weird having Jesus ask if he wants fries with his meal, but I would find it a little weirder eating bread given to me by Jesus. You know, given the whole body of Christ thing. Whether it makes sense or not, I would think I’m kind of being a cannibal.

Oh, and inside the first 20 minutes of this movie he is already saying this.

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He’s trying to cut to the chase here, but it is an 85 minute movie. I think it could have benefited by working towards that rather than just shoving it in everyone’s face right out of the gate. The wife and businessman respond by getting up and trying to leave in his car. By that I mean so that the movie can mention that they have essentially made a Twilight Zone episode.

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I think it goes without saying that the car doesn’t start. Inside, the girl asks him basically to prove that he’s Jesus. That she could say she’s Britney Spears, but that it doesn’t make it so. So this is when Jesus performs a miracle which he can do cause he’s Jesus. Just kidding, he pulls out a driver’s license.

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Then he just keeps rattling off things that are supposed to show he knows everything. Now is when he says he can save the one guys marriage if he just asks him to. Think that means he is going to have a heart to heart with the wife. Nope. She kind of just disappears from the film, then reappears and is more willing to give things another shot after just listening to everything else that happens. Five people worked to make this script the way it is. You’d think one of them could have made that happen. But I kind of lied earlier. While the married couple really are at the center of the story. It’s the businessman who gets the most attention.

Then this happens.

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The restroom sign points to the left, but she walks to the right instead. I’d try and give them the benefit of the doubt and say the bathroom is outside, but considering a mistake later, I don’t think so. This happens several times.

Now we get one of those scenes where we get a glimpse of the kind of performance Bruce Marchiano could give with a more fleshed out character.

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He talks with the businessman about his family, he comes across as someone who has been watching his life, and the lives of those around him. I could totally get behind a series of movies where Bruce Marchiano as Jesus goes around helping people. But that’s not really what you get here. He’s here to conduct the equivalent of a time share pitch meeting. This is when Jesus says that if he hadn’t intervened then they’d all be dead because the road was flooded. The businessman has a natural question that since he’s Jesus, he created the storm that caused the deadly conditions. Jesus responds that humans live in a “fractured creation” that caused the storm. Not exactly sure what he is referring to there, but I’d guess it has to do with the whole Garden of Eden story. But regardless, his next lines that say he took advantage of the situation to make a “personal appeal” means he’s working with the Devil because the only reason they returned to the diner was because the Devil told them the road was flooded and blocked them from using the road.

Oh, and this movie still has an hour to go at this point.

Now Jesus starts to lay into the married couple. The problem according to Jesus is that the husband was listening to his wife, not him. So, he just ignores her entirely? Of course not, the point is that the root of this unexplained problem is that she isn’t a real Christian. She snaps back that she goes to church on Sunday and teaches Sunday school. This is a job for Super Christian!

No such luck. She just storms off to the bathroom which still is apparently in the opposite direction of where the arrow is pointing. The nice lady joins her in the bathroom to talk to her. This conversation just reminds me that I do need to get around to watching Every Young Woman’s Battle since this whole marriage plot is based off of the material in that lecture.

There is a little back and forth where Jesus takes credit for acts that hurt people, but kept them from getting killed. It doesn’t matter because this is another time when we get a glimpse of the kind of performance we could have gotten from Bruce Marchiano. The businessman asks him “how many people are going to blow themselves up in your name today in the Middle East” or the people who “blow up abortion clinics”. Jesus says he never asked anyone to do those things. Then the businessman asks him whether he remembers “telling the Israelites to kill the Canaanites before they entered the Promised Land. Men, women, and children. Even the livestock.” He says we call that genocide. Jesus responds that he is “also holy and I cannot allow sin to go unpunished and that’s not just for my sake. It’s for yours. I don’t want you to wallow in sin and rebellion and guilt. I want you to thrive in unending peace and joy. There isn’t one human being on this planet that’s an accident. I hand formed you in your mother’s womb and I formed you for a purpose. I put before you a path of love and worship. And the degree with which you’ll enjoy experience love and joy and the good things of life is the degree to which you’ll bend to my will.” This of course gets the response that anyone who doesn’t bend you your will dies. Jesus says that not everyone needs to fear death. That believing in him essentially makes death inconsequential because as long as you believe, then Heaven is waiting for you.

First off, killing people is killing people no matter who or what you are. If he wants to not have people “wallow in sin and rebellion and guilt”, then why is he spending his time to talking to a handful of inconsequential people at a diner? Has he ordered any more people to die after the Bible was written? He keeps talking about being around all this time and interfering in people’s lives. For the better, but it means he’s taking actions here on Earth and apparently has a history of ordering mass killings. The rest is just comfort food that doesn’t really say anything. None of these things have actual answers to them, but if you’re going to lay things out for me and say I either receive eternal damnation or eternal happiness, then these questions need answers. At least he doesn’t break out the leap of faith line here.

Now we get some stories where Jesus apparently helped these people.

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The first is from the nice lady. She was going to kill herself when a Christian friend of hers called her up to go to a Christian film festival. She says the movie was like nothing she had ever seen before. I don’t know what to say here except it’s depressing that this girls backstory is a plug for and encouragement to go see the very kind of movie you are watching. I can only assume that since I seriously doubt she was at a festival showing something like The Passion Of Joan Of Arc (1928), The Flowers Of Saint Francis (1950), Ordet (1955), The Gospel According To St. Matthew (1964), or even The Passion Of The Christ (2004). And they never give any details except that it felt like it was directed right at her.

Now he tells her that she can’t marry, or at least strongly suggests that she shouldn’t marry the man she was on the road to go to see. The reason is that this guy doesn’t believe in him. He goes on to give some reasons that seem reasonable, but it all comes back around to that he won’t believe and will hold her belief in him against her. In other words, this Jesus believes that people who don’t believe in him, are adversaries of those who do. I would write this off as just a specific case, and not generalize, but these are the same people who made God’s Not Dead. In that movie, Kevin Sorbo plays precisely the person he is describing. An atheist who resents his wife for her being a Christian. A man who does eventually come to Jesus, but only at the point of death. So, when he says he doesn’t want her to be “unequally matched”, he means only two Christians can truly love each other because they both love him and receive his greater love.

It’s also during this conversation that the boom mic drops into frame.

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Cause of course it drops into the frame. It doesn’t seem to matter what I watch lately. The boom mic always makes a cameo appearance.

Then the businessman says something stupid. He actually compares their conversation to “Deal Or No Deal”. Ummm… have the writers actually watched that show? The whole show is a series of gambles that can fall in the contestants favor or not. He says that she should say “no deal”, but in the context of the show that means taking a gamble that there’s something beyond what you have in front of you in order to get something greater. Isn’t that exactly what Jesus is asking of her? To take a chance that instead of listening to the facts in front of her, that he is Jesus and knows what he is talking about.

Then Jesus says something stupid. He says that the businessman’s car wouldn’t start because “it’s not my will that anyone should perish.” Except didn’t you just get finished saying you ordered people massacred? I know religions and ideologies in general are full of contradictions, but why bring them into the movie? He also says he’ll never force himself on him or anyone. Except that’s what he’s been doing this whole time. People have a funny idea of what constitutes forcing something on people. Taking advantage of a situation to preach to people who would otherwise exercise their free will to leave is forcing. He says “what would be more unjust and unfair? For me to steal you at the moment of your death and force you to live in my presence and in my will for all eternity?” Except again, that’s kind of what he’s done here. They were going to die on the road so he closed it to give them all the option of either choosing to live in his presence and in his will for all eternity or leave and die. The only difference is he’s stealing them at the moment of death, then giving them a choice, which really isn’t a choice. He also says no one goes into hell blindfolded. He says “in one way or another, I’ve revealed myself to everyone.” Examples? The nice lady says that maybe if they could just see him. Jesus responds that “not even that would be enough.” Then what’s the point of revealing yourself explicitly to these people? I mean other than there wouldn’t be a movie otherwise.

But he just shifts topics. He starts in about Satan being a root of evil. He says “scratch any sin and just below the surface you’ll find pride.” While we are here, does all this talk about Heaven, Hell, and belief in him mean that anyone who doesn’t automatically goes to Hell? Because it sure sounds like that when you watch this movie. The writers then throw in a little bit about “hoping from bed to bed” for the abstinence crowd, but couch it with “to just satisfy themselves no matter who it hurts”. Oh, and by the way, right after he says that, it cuts to the husband. Is that why the marriage is on the rocks? She’s been sleeping around? It never says.

Now at roughly the 53 minute mark, he finally brings the food they asked for. And there’s still 40 minutes of this left. Go figure! It’s the best food they’ve ever had. This is also when the wife comes around. It kind of comes out of nowhere.

This is when we get the second example of how Jesus helped one of these people in a major way. It comes when we finally get the story of the girl who was walking on the road. During her story she pulls back her shirt to reveal a scar.

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And by scar, I mean something that looks more like a peeling sunburn. I can’t say I’m super familiar with all the different types of scars, but I have more than my fair share of ones from being cut. Regardless, after the movie cuts, it looks more like an actual scar.

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Now we learn more. Apparently, she tried to blow her head off with a gun, but it turned out there were no bullets in it. Jesus had a part in this as we learn. He made sure her stepfather stumbled so that he would take out the clip from the gun.

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That was nice, but who picked up the clip between that shot and the next, when it suddenly isn’t next to the gun anymore.

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During this heart to heart with the girl Jesus asks her if she will “forgive all those people who hurt you, even as I forgive you?” I get the forgiving you bit cause the movie is for people who believe suicide is a sin against God, but why is he asking her to do something he has stated he can’t do. He said he ordered women and children killed because he considers himself holy and they were sinning against him, just as those who have sinned against her. Again, contradictions you find in things like religion, but if you aren’t going to address them, then why put them into the film like this? It doesn’t do the religion any favors. Then Jesus in order to relate to her pulls back his sleeve to reveal where he was crucified and blames it on the sins committed by people such as her stepfather.

And just in case we weren’t sure that that businessman is an atheist and that all atheists are evil, he gives a stupid speech about how Jesus doesn’t even merit his attention to hate. That he treats him with indifference. Jesus digs into him about how he is the way he is because he caved into pressure. An example being that he dropped his accent because he was embarrassed about it. This manages to reach the businessman somewhat. We even get a flashback to when his grandmother fed him a piece of pie. A lot of this is standard stuff, but for the film the problem isn’t that he ignored his past, doesn’t treat people well, and it’s not even pride as this film suggests. It’s that he doesn’t believe in Jesus, and as a result, all of these problems spring to life. That the solution is Jesus. The businessman asks him “what kind of weak-willed man do you think I am?” To which Jesus responds that he’s “the kind of man who hasn’t opened himself up to unconditional love since he was a child.” Back the movie up a little bit and Jesus says that Hell is a place where love doesn’t exist. Hell is a place where those who don’t believe in Jesus go. So if you don’t believe in Jesus, then you go to a place without love. That’s called conditional love. He never says I continue to love those who go to Hell. That means, according to this film, the love of Christ is conditional.

Never thought I’d say it, but thank goodness Satan now shows up to bring a stop to all this.

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Satan says he’s surprised he’s still in business. That he’s surprised anyone is buying what he’s selling. Jesus responds that he isn’t selling anything. Could have fooled me. Earlier in the film you said you took this opportunity to make this impassioned plea to these people. You were trying to sell them on the idea of believing in you as their lord and savior. Again, not necessarily issues with the religion, but with this movie. The Devil says that the road is all clear and they can all now leave. What took him so long? The clock stopping thing is an easter egg in this movie. It’s not brought up. So it’s not like we are supposed to think the Devil has been frozen out there this whole time. And again, why did he close the road in the first place? Several of these people would probably have gone to Hell in addition to the businessman. It doesn’t makes sense from the Devil’s position. At least we do get to see Jesus do the Darth Vader neck grip thing here.

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As he does it he says, “four set free”. Then Satan says, “we’ll meet again.” Sequel bait! But there’s a little more left. Jesus now tries to justify to himself why it’s perfectly fine for him to let this guy go to his death because at least he did all he could. Short of making the road no longer dangerous. I guess it’s better that he dies, then continues to live?

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Ah, rest in peace Ronnie James Dio who happened to die the same year this film came out. And by the way, the horns thing doesn’t have to do with the Devil. I’m getting really sick of jackasses holding things like that over ignorant people. It’s an Italian thing to either ward off the evil eye or give it. Here’s a picture of Sophia Loren doing it in Ghosts, Italian Style (1967) to ward off ghosts.

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Now cut back to the diner, basically to give some parting words which include “that book has all the wisdom you need for your life.” Just in case you weren’t sure this was made for Protestant Christians. He also basically gives the husband a little pat on the back. Then he tells the wife that her husband loves her, but not as much as he does. It’s nothing to read anything into, but it’s interesting that he tells the three girls he loves them, but just gives the husband a little wink and a nod. Just seems a little odd to me. That’s all.

Then we get what we all knew in the first place.

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The diner doesn’t exist, the officer they dealt with doesn’t exist, and that the businessman died in a car crash. Seriously, the movie could have ended on the nice lady leaving the diner. Well, then they show this to make sure we know there’s a sequel called The Encounter: Paradise Lost (2012).

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It’s the director of this film David A.R. White who is being asked that question by Jesus who has apparently gone to the tropics for the sequel. I have that movie in front of me right now. I probably don’t need to watch it seeing as Jesus was obviously not successful. David A.R. White would go on to produce and star in one of the most slanderous, hateful, ignorant, and anti-Christian films I have ever sat through called God’s Not Dead (2014). And I’ve sat through Jud Süß (1940) and The Eternal Jew (1940).

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Cleveland Abduction (dir by Alex Kalymnios)


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After I finished up Ominous, it was time to deal with Cleveland Abduction.  Why was it something that I had to “deal with?”  Well, I originally watched Cleveland Abduction when it was broadcast on Lifetime way back in May.  I meant to review it when I originally watched it but, every time I sat down to write about this movie, I just couldn’t.  Just thinking about the movie and the true story that inspired it was too overwhelming and upsetting.  Cleveland Abduction is one of the most disturbing and depressing (and yet also inspiring) movies that I’ve ever seen.  It’s certainly the most emotionally intense film to ever be made for Lifetime.

A friend of mine actually told me that she could only watch 15 minutes of Cleveland Abduction and then had to stop because she didn’t want the film’s ugliness to get inside her head.  And I don’t blame her.  Cleveland Abduction is an ugly film about three young women who were kidnapped, held prisoner, and repeatedly raped by an evil man.  The film does not flinch from showing the details of their ordeal and it is all the more disturbing for being based on a true story.

I don’t know if I believe in demons or possession or anything like that but I do know that Ariel Castro was an evil man.  Castro, a school bus driver and wannabe musician, abducted Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry off the streets of Cleveland.  For 11 years, he held them prisoner in his filthy house.  (Disturbingly, some of Castro’s neighbors actually saw the girls in the house but refused to get involved.)  Rather than face a jury and spend the rest of his life as imprisoned as the three women he held captive in his house, Castro committed suicide in his jail cell.

The film centers on Castro’s first known victim, single mother Michelle Knight (a poignant performance from Taryn Manning, who perfectly captures Michelle’s quiet strength).  Castro (played, in properly brutal fashion, by Raymond Cruz) runs into Michelle while she’s walking to court to try to win custody of her son.  Castro offers her a ride and Michelle agrees.  Castro takes her back to his house and her 11-year nightmare begins.

And it’s not easy to watch, nor should it be.  The film doesn’t shy away from showing what Michelle and, eventually, the other two victims went through.  Spending her days either handcuffed or in a locked bedroom, Michelle’s only escape comes from thinking about her son.  When the other two girls are abducted, Michelle comforts them and help them to remain strong.  Meanwhile, on the outside, the police assume that Michelle has just run away from her old life and they refuse to even look for her.

It’s ugly and disturbing and difficult and infuriating to watch.  As I watched, I continually asked myself if I would be able to survive if I ever found myself in the same situation.  I always like to assume that, since I always have pepper spray and I’m a fairly god runner, nobody would ever be able to abduct me but, as I sit here couch-bound with a sprained foot, I know that it’s never that simple.  I also like to assume that I could be as strong as Michelle Knight.  Hopefully, I’ll never have to find out.

But here’s the thing — as disturbing and nightmarish as this film has to be — it’s ultimately a very inspiring film.  For all the ugliness, Cleveland Abduction is ultimately a film about survival and tribute to the strength, courage, and sisterhood of Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry.  Based on Michelle’s book and featuring a compelling lead performance from Taryn Manning, Cleveland Abduction is not an easy film to watch but it is one that should be watched.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Ominous (dir by Peter Sullivan)


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After I finished writing my review of Lavalantula, it was time to bitch about my sprained foot to anyone who would listen.  After that, it was time to have dinner and then it was time to lay on the couch and try to get some rest and finally, after all that, I got back to the task of cleaning out my DVR.  The film that I ended up watching was Ominous, a SyFy film which was originally broadcast on October 10th.

Ominous opens with recovering alcoholic Michael Young (played by Barry Watson) putting his car into reverse and promptly running over his six year-old son, Jacob (Gavin Lewis).  Michael and his wife, Rachel (Esme Bianco), rush Jacob to the hospital but it’s too late.  Jacob dies.  Later, as they’re driving back from the funeral, Rachel demands to know if Michael was drunk when he ran over Jacob.  Michael says that he wasn’t drinking and that it was just an accident and then, as if to prove that he really is the worst driver in the world, Michael promptly runs over a dog.

When they arrive home, a man is waiting for them.  Known only as The Stranger (and played, in properly sinister style, by Mark Lindsay Chapman), the man says that he can bring Jacob back to life.  All Michael and Rachel have to do is dig up their son and bring his body back to the house.  And then, to prove his point, the Stranger brings the dog back to life.

So, of course, Michael and Rachel go out to the cemetery and dig up Jacob.  They bring him back to the house.  The next morning, Jacob is suddenly alive.  Yay!  Of course, Jacob promptly re-kills the dog, which is our first clue that Jacob is not quite himself.

We then jump forward a few months.  The Youngs have moved to a new town and appear to be living as normal a life as you can when your six year-old son is demon-possessed hellspawn. (Actually, he’s the Antichrist and don’t even pretend like that was a spoiler.)  Michael fears his son, especially after Jacob has a seizure in church and causes a priest to burst into flames.  Rachel continues to make excuses for her son, even when he does stuff like summon a sudden dust storm that manages to kill everyone on a playground.

There’s a scene early on in the film in which Jacob asks his mother if they can get a cat.

“I don’t think so,” Rachel replies, “Daddy’s allergic.”

“What about when Daddy’s dead?” Jacob cheerfully  asks.

That scene pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Ominous.  This is an unapologetically over-the-top demon child film, one that doesn’t make much sense but which is never boring.  It’s easy to recognize which films are being ripped off — The Omen, The Visitor, The Birds — but the film is so shameless in its thievery that it’s easy to be forgiving.  Is Ominous a rip-off or an homage?  How about both?

Barry Watson actually does a pretty good job as a recovering alcoholic and his performance is reminiscent of some of Patrick Muldoon’s better work.  Mark Lindsay Chapman is properly intimidating as the Stranger.  Full of gore, melodrama, metaphysical posturing, and children with creepy demon eyes, Ominous is more entertaining than you might expect.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Lavalantula (dir by Mike Mendez)


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The SyFy film Lavalantula opens in Los Angeles and we immediately know what that means.  If it’s a day of the week ending with a y, it means that Los Angeles is about to attacked by some sort of giant monster.  In this case, it’s due to a series of volcanic eruptions that lead to a swarm of gigantic, fire-breathing tarantulas being released into California.

Now, if Schwarzenegger was still governor of California, these spiders probably wouldn’t have been much of a problem.  But have you seen the current governor of California?  Seriously, I take one look at Jerry Brown and my first thought is that he’s not someone I would call if I needed someone to come over and kill a giant spider for me.  I just wouldn’t.  Sorry, Jerry.

(Incidentally, y’all love to make fun of people in Texas for loving guns but when was the last time we had a giant spider invasion get out of hand like the one in Lavalantula?)

When the spiders do show up and promptly start burning Los Angelenos alive, the police, the military, and the fire department all prove to be pretty much useless.  Fortunately, L.A. is also the home of the film industry and, as has always happened whenever America has faced a monster-related crisis, the unsung heroes of the movie industry are willing to step up and save the day.  Actor Colton West (Steve Guttenberg) may not know much about spiders.  And, as we’re told at the start of the film, it’s been a while since he had a hit movie.  But none of that matters.  All that matters is that, back in the day, Colton starred in enough action movies that he now has a unique set of skills that can be used to defeat giant, fire-breathing tarantulas.

Of course, while saving California, Colton also has to save his wife, Olivia (Nia Peeples) but fortunately, Olivia is totally capable of kicking ass on her own.  In fact, the entire film industry is shown to be capable of kicking ass, as Colton recruits the crew from his latest movie to help him save Los Angeles.

(Ian Ziering also pops up for a funny cameo.  He can’t help Colton save Los Angeles becase he’s too busy trying to save the rest of the country from flying sharks.  It’s a cute scene that works a lot better than you might think.)

Now, I have to admit that when I went to the DVR to track down and rewatch Lavalantula, I was shocked to discover that I didn’t record Lavalantula when it originally aired on July 25th!  Usually, I both watch and record but, in the case of Lavalantula, I just watched.  This review has been written from memory but that’s okay because Lavalantula‘s an extremely memorable film.  Much like director Mike Mendez’s previous giant monster film — the beloved Big Ass SpiderLavalantula is an enjoyably over-the-top B-movie that succeeds because, while it never takes itself too seriously, it does take itself just seriously enough to remain interesting.  It expertly walks the fine line between tribute and parody.  Regardless of how silly the film may get, the entire cast brings a lot of commitment to their roles and the end result is a genuinely fun movie.

One final sidenote: Apparently, this film was full of inside jokes about the Police Academy franchise.  Having never seen any of the Police Academy films, I have to admit that the majority of the references probably went right over my head.  I did, however, recognize Michael Winslow, the guy who does all the sound effects.  He was one of the heroic crew people and he did a damn good job protecting California.

In fact, they all did.

Thank you, Hollywood.

Adventures in Cleaning out the DVR: Dangerous Company (dir by Sheldon Larry)


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Continuing in my efforts to clean out the DVR (as well as post a review of every single film that premiere on Lifetime, LMN, or the SyFy network this year), I just watched Dangerous Company.  Dangerous Company originally aired on LMN on August 15th, 2015.

Alicia Leigh Willis plays Pauline, the CEO of Wendy Blue Fashion.  Pauline inherited the company from her mother, who, years earlier, died of dementia.  Pauline took care of her mother in her final days and still resents the fact that her sister, Deanna (Susan Slome), was not there to help.  Pauline also lives in fear that she will someday follow in her mother’s footsteps.

At the movie begins, it appears that Pauline’s fears may be coming true.  She is frequently forgetful and keeps losing her cell phone.  Her husband, Aaron (Rick Ravenello), has to frequently remind her what their nightly plans are.  Eventually, her assistant — Elizabeth (Melissa Marty) — confesses that she’s been covering up a lot of Pauline’s mistakes.  When Pauline starts to tell Elizabeth about her mother, Elizabeth reveals that Pauline has told her this story many times in the past.

Finally, when Pauline goes to see a doctor (David Alan Graf), she suddenly freaks out in the examining room and, when a man claiming to be her husband shows up to pick her up, the terrified Pauline claims that she does not know who he is.  Finally, she’s given a sedative and, when she wakes up, Aaron tells her that the man she didn’t recognize was him.

And, at first, both Aaron and Elizabeth seem to be so concerned and helpful but, as the movie progresses, you start to wonder about both of them.  They are both just a little bit too eager for Pauline to say in bed and remove herself from running the company.  Whenever Pauline says that she’s okay, Aaron replies with, “Your mother used to say that.”  And then, of course, there’s a controversial business proposal that will result in Wendy Blue Fashion shipping jobs overseas.  Aaron is all for it.  Pauline is opposed.

(WAY TO STAND UP FOR AMERICA, PAULINE!  USA! USA! USA!)

For the first hour or so, Dangerous Company keeps you guessing.  Is Pauline really suffering from dementia or is this all just an elaborate Gaslight-like plot?  Alicia Leigh Willis does a great job portraying Pauline’s fear and confusion and director Sheldon Larry keeps the viewers off-balance.  Of course, since this is a Lifetime movie, we shouldn’t be shocked to discover that it all actually is a plot to steal Pauline’s company but still, Dangerous Company is very good at doing what it does.

Incidentally, my favorite character was Elizabeth, the duplicitous administrative assistant.  I’ve always been of the opinion that all of us office administrators could secretly rule the country if we wanted to and I have to give full props to Elizabeth for proving me right!  You go, girl!

Lisa’s Editorial Corner: On Tornadoes, Rango, social media, and Charlie Sheen


Well, it had to happen but did it have to happen so soon?

So, here we are.  Just two weeks into doing Lisa’s Editorial corner and already, I’m worrying that I may have nothing to talk about.  Of course, some of that is because I’m a little bit preoccupied.  Somehow — don’t ask how unless you really want the details — I managed to sprain my foot on Saturday morning.  I stayed on the couch for the weekend but then, foolishly, I attempted to both work and dance on Monday.  So, right now, I am home, my foot hurts, and I’m having a hard time focusing on anything else.

(At the same time, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve sprained my foot and/or my ankle.  It sucks right now but I’ll be okay soon.  I’m taking off work on Tuesday, which means that I’ll get to make even more progress in cleaning out the DVR!)

Plus, as I write this at 1:30 in the morning, we are currently under tornado watch!  If a tornado does decide to show up, I am not looking to forward to having to hop my way into the downstairs coat closet.  They say that, if you don’t have a storm bunker like the one Michael Shannon installed in Take Shelter, the downstairs closet is the safest place to get in case of a tornado.  I have never understood why.

This is why I sometime hate social media.

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Since Monday is always my crazy day, I was not on twitter when the whole “Charlie Sheen Has HIV” story broke.  In fact, I didn’t know a thing about it until someone mentioned it in passing that night and, at that time, I was so busy trying not faint from the pain of my sprained foot that it really didn’t register with me.

So really, it wasn’t until I got home, took a handful of Vicodin, and logged onto twitter that I was really aware of what’s been going on with Sheen.  Apparently, this Tuesday (i.e., today), Sheen is going to be on the Today Show and is going to reveal whether or not he has HIV.  There’s something really ghoulish about how much some people are anticipating Charlie Sheen announcing that he is HIV positive.

It’s also sad that, judging from many of the comments on twitter, a lot of people don’t understand that being HIV positive does not mean that Charlie Sheen has AIDS.  Check out a few of the comments:

https://twitter.com/shaner142/status/666523090810109952

https://twitter.com/channcorns/status/666519065117069312

https://twitter.com/MizzyII/status/666428045448867840

https://twitter.com/makzimiser/status/666448089847349248

Keep in mind that I’m writing this at 1:33 in the morning and Charlie Sheen has yet to officially announce anything.  By the time this post is published and you read it, Sheen will probably have announced whatever it is that he’s going to announce but, for now, nobody knows anything.  There’s just speculation.  For all we know, Sheen is going to announce that he’s HIV negative or that he wants to be Donald Trump’s running mate.

In fact, the only thing we know for sure is that a lot of people seem to be positively gleeful about the possibility of Charlie Sheen having HIV.  I’ve never been a fan of Charlie Sheen’s and I found his whole “winning” thing to be more pathetic than anything else.  But it has always disturbed me that his extremely self-destructive behavior has always been treated as a source of entertainment.  What’s particularly offensive is that many of the same people who loved to watch crazy old Charlie talk about “tiger blood,” are now gloating about how Sheen’s “lifestyle” has caught up with him.  It was a lifestyle that was largely dependent upon and made possible by American’s own twisted love/hate relationship with celebrity.

The blogger known as Jedadiah Leland and I have often debated whether or not social media is worth all the trouble.  Usually, I think I can make a pretty good case that twitter does enough good that it makes all the other bullshit worth it.  But, when I see thousands of strangers competing to come up with the best joke about someone being HIV-positive, I start to think that he may have a point.

And since I’ve just been critical of twitter, I’ll wrap this up with a tweet from my sister:

The best laid plans of Lisa…

Before I got caught up writing about Charlie Sheen, I was going to devote a bit of a space to talking about how much I hate it when people show up late for a movie.  I mean, seriously — we all know that, if a movie is listed as starting at 7:00, the movie isn’t really going to start until 7:20.  That’s a 20 minute grace period right there and there’s really no excuse for arriving at the theater after that grace period has ended.  If you’re going to be more than 20 minutes late, either go to a different showing or go back home.  But for God’s sake, don’t wander into the theater and go, “Oh, the movie’s started,” and then stumble around looking for a seat in the dark.

To be honest, I’d rather be stuck in a theater with a screaming baby than have to deal with people showing up 30 minutes late for the movie.

As long as we’re here, check this out!

The evil clown who pops up to sing ‘Get Yourself High‘ in the Chemical Brothers’ live show has his own Facebook page.  I am so happy right now!  Unfortunately, there’s not much information on the page about the clown but I liked it anyway.  You never know when the clown might decide to open up about his hopes and dreams.

Clown

FLASHBACK TIME!

You know what you should find time to do today?  You should take a trip into the past and read the very first review that Leonard Wilson ever wrote for this site.  I present to you … Leonard’s 2o11 review of Rango!

One Final Thought…

At any given time, I usually have about a week’s worth of blog posts scheduled to publish on the various sites that I write for.  So, if I died tomorrow, my writing would actually outlive me.  Think about it — I could be dead and still giving you my opinion.  And if I am dead and I tell you to see a movie, you better see it!

Ghost Critic

Have a great week!

Song of the Day: The Leaving/The Search from Conan the Barbarian (by Basil Poledouris)


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If there’s been one constant in this site right from the beginning it’s been my love for the film Conan the Barbarian and it’s equally great orchestral score that was composed by the very underappreciated film composer Basil Poledouris. Sure, everyone loves John Williams and rightly so. Then there’s the inexplicable love and worship of Hans Zimmer. Zimmer does some good, and sometimes, great work, but his overall work all tends to sound the same.

Basil Poledouris, on the other hand, seem to have been pushed to the sidelines despite creating some very iconic pieces of film scores in his lifetime. The peak of which will always be the orchestral score he composed for John Milius’ Conan the Barbarian.

I’ve chosen some key pieces from this soundtrack throughout the years. From the Carmina Burana inspired “Riddle of Steel/Riders of Doom” to the rousing “Anvil of Crom” intro all the way to the melancholy and introspective “Orphans of Doom/Awakening”. I think in time every piece of music from this score will make it onto this site. That is just how great this soundtrack from start to finish really has become. Even it’s weakest moments have elements of to them that make them stand out from the latest Zimmer.

Today, it shall be the section of the score for the film that accentuates Conan’s decision to take on a quest that will finally bring him to the very warlord who destroyed his people and killed his family: “The Leaving/The Search”.

That’s Blaxploitation 4: ABAR THE BLACK SUPERMAN (Mirror Releasing 1977)


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When TCM Underground announced they were running something called ABAR THE BLACK SUPERMAN last Saturday at 2AM, I just had to record it. For one thing, I’d never heard of it, and for another, it sounded so cheesy I knew I had to take a look. So last night (after watching the mighty New England Patriots vanquish their arch-enemies, the hated New York Giants), I settled into my recliner and pressed play. What I got was unexpected, and though the film is cheaply shot, with high-school level acting and no technical skills behind the cameras, it’s a game attempt at trying something different within the confines of the Blaxploitaion genre.

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Dr. Ken Kinkade, a researcher working on a top secret grant project, and his family move into an affluent white neighborhood, and immediately become victims of white bigotry. The neighbors protest outside the Kinkade’s home,  hurling garbage onto the lawn, until members…

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Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (dir by A.B. Stone)


After I finished watching Stolen Daughter, I decided to take a break from watching Lifetime films.  So, for my next DVRed movie, I watched Lake Placid vs. Anaconda.  Lake Placid vs. Anaconda premiered on the SyFy Channel on April 25th.  It was the first original SyFy film of the year and so, of course, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I had to watch and record it.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is a bit of a tribute to such classic monster movies as King Kong vs. Godzilla and … well, any other movie where Godzilla ended up fighting another big monster.  In this case, it’s a battle between the giant crocodiles from the Lake Placid films and the giant snakes from the Anaconda films.  However, it’s not really much of a battle.  The crocodiles don’t really meet the snakes until the last 20 minutes of the film and the battle pretty much ends in a draw.

Instead, the majority of the film deals with the typical collection of SyFy character types trying to escape from the beach and surrounding wilderness without getting devoured.  There’s a group of sorority girls, all of whom are basically slaves to the hilariously bitchy Tiffani (Laura Dale, who appears to be having a lot of fun with her role).  There’s the tough, no-nonsense Sheriff (Yancy Butler), who always seems to be on the verge of declaring that she’s “too old for this …. shit!”  There’s the forest ranger (Corin Nemec) who is trying to rescue his daughter, who happens to be one of the sorority girls.

My favorite group, however, was a group of mercenaries hired by Sarah Murdoch (Annabel Wright), the evil CEO of Wexel Pharmaceuticals.  Sarah is so evil that she even talks about her evil plans while casually undressing in front of her subordinates.  Now, I have to be honest.  I have sat through this movie twice and I’m still not quite sure what Sarah’s evil plan actually was.  It involved a blood orchid and capturing an anaconda.  But, regardless of what the actual scheme was, Sarah and the mercenaries were so melodramatic that it was impossible not to be entertained by them.

Anyway, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda takes way too long to get the creatures on screen together and the final battle is a bit of a let down.  Fortunately, however, Robert Englund is there to joyfully chew up all the scenery until the crocodiles and the snakes arrive.  Englund is playing a crocodile hunter.  He drinks too much, he talks too much, and he’s missing an eye, a leg, and an arm.  Englund appears to be having a lot of fun playing the role and he’s the best thing in the movie.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda really can’t compare to any of the excellent shark films that would later premiere on SyFy in July but it’s worth seeing for Annabel Wright and Robert Englund.

 

Film Review: Trancers II (1991, dir. Charles Band)


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Well, it sure took them a long time to get back to this series. Actually, they did shoot a sequel before this, but I’ll get to that one after I finish the main releases. This one picks up six years after the events of the first one. In that one we left Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) and Lena Deth (Helen Hunt) in the past of Los Angeles. We also got a short sequel bait at the end in the form of McNulty in his female ancestor’s little girl body. For this installment they appear to have gotten back just about every single person of consequence.

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Jack and Lena Deth

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Art LaFleur as McNulty in future

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Biff Manard as Hap Ashby

Even Telma Hopkins returns as Raines and she was barely in the movie.

Even Telma Hopkins returns as Raines and she was barely in the movie.

The setup here is that Hap Ashby got clean and made a bunch of money in commodity speculation. He needs it since he has taken up the hobby of collecting firetrucks. Jack and Lena live with Ashby on his estate. Whistler’s brother is in the past so that means more Trancers are on their way. McNulty is going to go back in time again into his ancestor along with a time machine. The idea is to bring Jack back to the future with Whistler’s brother in tow. Jack’s body in the future is unsuitable to come back to so he needs to return in his new body. There you go, sequel!

Before I continue, take a look at those screenshots. They do those close portrait shots of the actors a lot in this movie. My guess is not that they couldn’t get the actors in the same place all the time, but that they thought that might happen. As a result, they used that consistently throughout just in case the situation arose. Enter the Trancers!

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That’s when one more actor makes a return. Not sure how, but seven years or so after the production of the original Trancers, they got Alyson Croft to reprise her role as McNulty’s ancestor. I think I enjoyed her performance in this movie the most. I love her entrance into the film. She shows up having some trouble riding a bike before falling over.

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However, while McNulty may have trouble riding a bike, he apparently has no issues putting on makeup.

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This is when one more little important piece of information is dropped on us. In the first film we found out that Jack’s wife was killed by a Trancer. However, in this one we find out that someone was sent back to shortly before she died. They sent her consciousness back in time so that this movie can have some funny scenes between Jack and his two wives.

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This is Alice Stillwell played by Megan Ward. You see, while Jack got sent back into the body of Philip Deth shortly after having sex and McNulty ended up in a pretty and funny young girl, Jack’s wife ended up in the body of a mental patient. And not just a mental patient anywhere either.

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That’s Whistler’s brother who goes by the name Dr. Wardo played by the late Richard Lynch. And he has a sidekick.

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Honestly, if the credits hadn’t told me that was Jeffrey Combs, then I could have easily missed that fact. I really have no idea what Lynch and Combs are up to in this movie. It doesn’t matter. Jack needs to rescue his wife and kill Lynch. It’s that simple.

The long second makes a return! Jack makes good use of it to singe some Trancers. He then comforts three ladies who saw the Trancers disappear by telling them it’s okay because they’re biodegradable. The lines in this just aren’t as good as the first one. Alice also uses the long second to hide the time machine after she finds it. It’s not important why it’s near her. It’s for the same reasons why she is even in this movie. It’s convenient for the plot.

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Meanwhile, Alyson Croft continues to be the funniest person in this movie, which is humorous considering Helen Hunt would go on to do Mad About You and Tim Thomerson was once a standup comedian.

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Jack shows up and rescues Alice while they are moving her. There’s a short exchange where she says he’s the only man she’s slept with, she passes out, and he’s says it wasn’t that bad. Kinda funny, but nothing in this movie is as memorable as lines like “Beef? You mean like from a cow?” or “I’m from another time, another world. I don’t even know what you people eat for lunch.”, which were in the first film.

There’s some screwball stuff here between Jack, Lena, and Alice, but who really cares. Trancers show up, Ashby starts drinking again, and Alyson Croft continues to be funny.

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Now our four Musketeers set out to take down Lynch and Combs. But first we get a cameo appearance by one of director Charles Band’s other movies.

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I’ll probably review that eventually. The only really important plot point left here is that Jack is going to have to send Alice back in the time machine since otherwise she’ll die shortly after returning to her body. I say it’s time for highlights.

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The good guys win in a final showdown with Lynch, Combs, and their henchmen. Jack sends Alice back to the future in the time machine after a parting kiss. McNulty returns to his body to inform Raines that Jack has a new home in the past. Then Jack and Lena kiss just like at the end of the first movie.

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But unlike the end of the first movie, there’s no hint at a sequel here. However, they must have changed their minds because there are five more films in this franchise. This one was definitely a step down from the first. Honestly, I really only recommend it if you are a big fan of the first like I am. We’ll see what’s next for Jack Deth in Trancers III (1992).

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