What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Head (dir. by Bob Rafelson)

Posted on June 29, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to TCM and I watched the 1968 film Head.

Why Was I Watching It?

Though Head was a notorious box office bomb when it was released in 1968, it has since become notorious as one of the most incomprehensible movies ever made. Every book that I’ve ever read about film or pop culture in the 1960s makes mention of Head. Not only was the film written by a pre-Easy Rider Jack Nicholson, but the film also featured The Monkees literally acting out against their stardom by committing career suicide by appearing the film that was apparently conceived while Nicholson and director Bob Rafelson were tripping on LSD. I’ve read about Head in dozens of books and I’ve seen it described as being “a surreal masterpieces,” “an incomprehensible, pretentious mess,” and “a total head trip of a film.” Having now seen the film, I can say that’s all true.

I do have to admit that before I saw Head, I didn’t know who the Monkees were. Don’t get me wrong — I knew that there was a band in the 60s called The Monkees and I knew that they had their own TV show. Thanks to the fact that The Brady Bunch Movie played on cable for like two months straight earlier this year, I knew which one was Davey Jones. But, that was about it. Even after seeing Head, I’m still not really sure I could tell you which was one was Mickey Dolenz and which one was Peter Tork. I also have to admit that I spent the first half of the film referring to Michael Nesmith as the “Texan with the sideburns.”

Fortunately, I watched Head with two wonderful groups of people on twitter — the TCM Party and the Drive-In Mob. They came together last night and provided a very entertaining live tweet session devoted to the film. Unlike me, they actually knew one Monkee from another and following their tweets helped me survive the film’s rough first half. To all of them, I say “Thank you for the education.”

What’s It About?

That’s not an easy question to answer but I’ll try.

The Monkees jump off a bridge and plunge into the psychedelic waters below but they’re saved from drowning by a bunch of mermaids. This, of course, leads to the four members of the groups finding themselves in scenes from a war film, a boxing film, a western film, and eventually they discover that they’re actually dandruff on the head of actor Victor Mature. Ultimately, they end up wandering around on a studio backlot where they’re menaced by veteran scary actor Timothy Carey and an ominous black box that seems to intent on trapping them. The Monkees react to this by running for their lives, complaining to Jack Nicholson and Bob Rafelson about the script, and telling everyone that they meet that they’re just actors in a film. Eventually, it appears that the Monkees don’t have any options left beyond committing public suicide but Rafelson has other ideas…

What Worked?

If you’re as obsessed with pop cultural history as I am, Head is one of those films that simply you have to see. Even if you find the film to be totally incomprehensible and just a tad bit pretentious, Head is a valuable artifact of its time. Head is a film that could have only been made in the late 60s and it epitomizes everything about the age that produced it. It’s like a cinematic Pompeii.

Now, I have to admit that most of the enjoyment I got out of the first half of the film came more from my own curiosity as a secret history nerd than from the film itself. However, the second half of the film is often times genuinely entertaining. The satire is a bit sharper and the overall theme (i.e., the struggle to maintain your own unique individuality in a world that demands conformity) starts emerge from the film’s mix of surreal images.

For me, the film really picked up with Davy Jones’ performance of Daddy’s Song:

The woman dancing with Davy Jones was Toni Basil, who choreographed all the dance numbers in this film.

Here’s another sequence that I particularly enjoyed. This came towards the end of the film and, as I said on twitter, who doesn’t enjoy a little psychedelic dancing?

What Did Not Work?

While Head had all the virtues of its time, it also had all the flaws. It’s a definite hit-and-miss affair, with the stronger (and occasionally insightful) moments uneasily balanced with plenty of sequences that dragged. As you may have guessed, Head is the type of film that’s brilliant if you’re in the mood for it but it’s rather annoying if you’re not.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I would have loved to have been Toni Basil, dancing with Davy Jones in the Daddy’s Song number.

Lessons Learned

Watching Head, I realized that I had discovered this year’s perfect Christmas present. I’m going to get a 100 copies of Head on DVD and give them out to everyone I know. That way, I’ll have an excuse to call everyone up in November and tell them, “Don’t worry, I’m giving you Head for Christmas.” I think, if nothing else, that’ll make me a very popular girl come December.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Arachnoquake (dir. by Griff Furst)

Posted on June 24, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Spoilers below.)

Last night, I watched yet another “original” movie on the SyFy network. This one was called Arachnoquake.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, how do you not watch something called Arachnoquake? The title itself is just pure genius in that it not only tells you that the film is about spiders and earthquakes but it also lets you know ahead of time that this is a movie to have fun with.

Also, I was watching because I still have good memories of watching Jersey Shore Shark Attack earlier this month.

What’s It About?

So basically, there’s an earthquake in New Orleans and a bunch of gigantic, extremely venomous albino spiders are released out into the city and the bayou. However, these aren’t just your typical giant albino spiders. No, these are giant albino spiders that can breathe fire and walk on water. It’s kinda like Treme, just with more spiders and less Steve Zahn.

In fact, there’s no Steve Zahn in this film at all! However, there is Edward Furlong, playing a greasy-haired guy who is stuck driving a school bus with a bunch of female softball players on it. Meanwhile, Furlong’s asthmatic wife (Tracey Gold) is stuck on a trolley that’s being driven by a guy played by Bug Hall. And, best of all, there’s also a really badly tempered old guy named Gramps on the trolley as well. Gramps, sad to say, doesn’t stick around for too long but for the first 30 minutes of the film, he was all that we could talk about on twitter…

What Worked?

Listen, if you’re going to bitch and whine about narrative logic, cheap special effects, and silly dialogue while watching a movie like Arachnoquake, you’re kinda missing the whole point of the film. This is a movie that was made to inspire people to talk back to the TV. Arachnoquake doesn’t take itself all that seriously and neither should you. I mean, yes, the spiders looked faintly ludicrous when they showed up in the bayou, chasing after a motorboat. But I suspect that was kind of the point.

Arachnoquake is a film that was made to be viewed as part of a communal experience. I understand that they actually had viewing parties down in New Orleans and I would have loved to have been at one of them! (And I think I could have gotten all sorts of beads tossed at me as well…) However, I settled for live tweeting the film on twitter and that was so much fun! I got to talk to other people who were watching and enjoying the film and even better, the film’s director and some of the performers (especially Megan Adelle) joined in on the live tweet and actually responded to those of us who were talking about their film. Not all of the comments were positive (at one point, director Griff Furst responded to one online critic with, “Blow me.”) but it was still a lot of fun and, if anything, it showed that the filmmakers knew and appreciated their audience. Both the film and the whole communal viewing experience were a lot of fun!

Finally, I think just about everyone on twitter agreed that the highlight of the film was the character of Gramps (played by Grant James). SyFy films are full of cantankerous old men but few are quite as cantankerous as Gramps. We were all a little bit sad to see Gramps die about 30 minutes into the film. Personally, I’m hoping that he returns in a sequel and gets to utter the line, “When you get to Hell, tell ’em Gramps sent you…”

I also hope that the sequel is set during Mardi Gras.

What Did Not Work?

(Spoiler Alert. Seriously, no joke — massive spoiler ahead)

The character played by Tracy Gold spend almost the entire film having an asthma attack and, finally, during the final 15 minutes of the film, she dies as a result. I have to admit that bothered me a lot, both because I actually have asthma but also, and more importantly, because it just felt jarringly out-of-place in what had been, up to that point, a really fun B-movie.

Don’t get me wrong — it wouldn’t have bothered me if Gold had been killed as the result of being wrapped up in a spider web or something. That would have worked well with the tone of the rest of the film. But having her die as a result of not having her inhaler — it just hit too close to home for me and it was just so different in tone from the rest of the film that it briefly made it difficult for me to get back into the right B-movie mindset that’s necessary to truly enjoy a film like Arachnoquake.

“OH MY GOD! Just like me!” Moments

Well, obviously, I related to poor Tracey Gold and her asthma attack. But, beyond that, I could also relate to all the characters in the film because I hate the thought of being in an earthquake and I don’t care much for spider. Especially gigantic albino ones that breathe fire…

Lessons Learned

I will always double-check to make sure I have my inhaler before I leave the house. Also, if I ever find myself stranded in the country with a gigantic albino spider coming towards me, I hope some greasy-haired guy is there to beat it to death with a softball bat while screaming, “Now that’s how you make jambalaya!”

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (dir. by John Shepphird)

Posted on June 10, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Friday night, I saw Moonrise Kingdom. As our own Leon the Duke explained in his own review on this very site, Moonrise Kingdom is a thought-provoking, relentlessly quirky little film from Wes Anderson. It’s a film that makes you think and, as a result, come Saturday, I was in the mood to watch something that required absolutely no thought at all. Luckily, SyFy was willing to help me out by showing an original film called Jersey Shore Shark Attack.

Why Was I Watching It?

I’d been meaning to watch a SyFy film for a while, mostly because my friend Kelly Thul always provides the most interesting twitter commentary on them. When I saw that something called Jersey Shore Shark Attack was apparently playing on the channel, there was no way I couldn’t watch it. After all, my BFF Evelyn refers to me as L-Wowww. I used to call her Evooki but, after seeing Jersey Shore Shark Attack, her new name is Nooki.

What’s It About?

It’s holiday weekend on the Jersey Shore. Preppies are uncomfortably mingling with Guidos, Joey Fatone is scheduled to give a concert, and greedy mayor Paul Sorvino is greedily dreaming of the money that will be made. The only thing could ruin the holiday fun would be if a bunch of sharks suddenly showed up and decided to attack the Jersey shore.

Which is exactly what happens.

Fortunately, when the greedy Mayor refuses to close down the beach, there are a few Guidos who are willing to do the right thing. The Complication (Jeremy Luc) and his friends Paulie Balzac (Daniel Booko), Donnie (Joey Russo), J-Moni (Alex Mauriello), and BJ (Audi Resendiz) take it upon themselves to battle the sharks. However, the Complication’s ex, Nooki (Melissa Molinaro), has defiantly gone sailing with a bunch of preppies and now finds herself stranded at sea, surrounded by circling sharks…

What Worked?

A lot of people are probably online right now talking about how “stupid” and how “bad” this movie was but you know what? I loved it. This movie was a lot of fun and, like the best film parodies, it was very smart about being stupid. Let’s put it like this — if you’re criticizing this film for having silly dialogue, terrible special effects, and bad acting, you’re missing the point.

Add to that, the acting isn’t that bad. The film’s stars do a good job at capturing the “personas” of their Jersey Shore counterparts and I would even go so far as to compare this movie to the classic South Park episode “It’s a Jersey Thing.”

Plus, Tony Sirico’s in it and he gets to go all Robert Shaw and deliver a half-crazed monologue about shark attacks.

Plus, there’s a reporter who says things like, “Stay away from the pier, yo!”

Plus, Joey Fatone’s in it! And he gets eaten!

What’s not to love?

What Didn’t Work?

It all worked, dammit!

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I’m Italian (well, a fourth-Italian) and I don’t swim either. (Though I certainly don’t mind getting wet…)

Lessons Learned:

It’s a Jersey thing.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Craigslist Killer (dir. by Stephen Kay)

Posted on June 9, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I was searching through the list of movies saved onto my DVR, I discovered that I had apparently recorded 2011’s The Craigslist Killer off of the Lifetime Movie Network. So, of course, I immediately curled up on the couch and started to watch it. After a few minutes, I paused the movie so I could wake up my sister and track down our cat and force them to watch it with me. Which they did because they love me. Awwwwwwwww!

Why Was I Watching It?

Okay, I think The Craigslist Killer has been on TV like a gazillion times since 2011 and I’ve watched it almost every time. It’s become a tradition. Just like some people have to watch Avatar every time it pops up on Cinemax, I have to watch The Craigslist Killer every time it shows up on Lifetime. And if I have to use my feminine wiles to force other people to watch with me — well, I’m willing to do that.

What’s It About?

Philip Markoff (Jake McDorman) is this handsome, charming medical student who tells everyone that he’s rich and is just loved by everyone. But even though he’s a total hottie, he’s got the confidence of nottie. (Sorry, I came up with that line as a joke a few months ago and I’ve been looking for an excuse to use it ever since.) So, he deals with his issues by looking at porn online and then eventually murdering a masseuse who he met through an ad that she placed on Craig’s List. Anyway, he’s not really that good at being a killer so it’s kinda obvious that he’s the one who did it but nobody can believe it because he’s such a charming guy.

One person who definitely doesn’t think that he’s a killer is his fiancée, Megan (Agnes Bruckner). Megan is busy planning their wedding while, unknown to her, Philip is attacking and killing other women. Eventually, Megan is confronted by a suspicious homicide investigator (William Baldwin) but she still stubbornly defends Philip.

And, of course, it’s all based on a true story.

What Worked?

Seriously, this is the epitome of a Lifetime movie and it’s also a historically important one. I can remember being on twitter the night that this movie premiered and literally everyone was planning on watching The Craigslist Killer, even people who normally would never watch Lifetime. So, for many people, The Craigslist Killer is what they think of when they think of a Lifetime movie: it’s based on a true story, it’s about a beautiful woman who falls in love with a handsome man with a great future, and it’s about how that woman learns that men can’t be trusted. There’s even a subtle hint, I think, of the possibility of future romance between Megan and the detective played by William Baldwin. And good for her! Seriously, after everything she goes through in this film, she deserves it.

Agnes Bruckner and Jake McDorman both give pretty good performances. McDorman is totally believable as both a charming med school student and a vicious killer and I liked the way that his performance subtly showed us that there wasn’t much going on behind the character’s perfect smile.

The final few minutes of the movie made me cry.

What Didn’t Work?

I’ve read quite a few comments online from people complaining about William Baldwin’s attempt to do a Boston accent. Some say it was one of the worst Boston accents in television history. I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I certainly know what it’s like to listen to a Yankee butcher your region’s accent.

Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, this was a Lifetime movie and it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

What girl hasn’t liked the perfect boy who, once he becomes her boyfriend, reveals himself to actually be far less than perfect? Laugh if you will but the best Lifetime movie tap into universal truths that many people don’t like to admit exist.

Lessons Learned

Even the perfect wedding can be ruined when it turns out the groom is a serial killer.

What Lisa Watched This Morning: One For The Money (dir. by Julie Anne Robinson)

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This morning, as it stormed outside, I watched One For The Money, the Katherine Heigl film that quickly came and went earlier this year.

Why Was I Watching It?

How did I end up watching One For The Money this morning? I blame the toadsuckers out there who insist on mowing their lawns every chance they get. By constantly mowing their lawns, these people are releasing particles of grass into the air where they turn into pollen and they make life difficult for sweet, innocent girls like me who happen to have fairly severe asthma. Because of everyone mowing their lawns, my asthma started to act up last night and I ended up calling in to work today.

So, there I was: curled up on the couch, clutching my inhaler and listening to the thunder rumbling and the rain falling outside. Our cat Doc walked over to the couch and stared up at me for a few minutes before going, “Meh.” I took that to mean: “Let’s watch a movie On Demand.” So, I checked to see what was available and, after I realized that I had no interest in Red Tails, I decided to go with One For The Money.

What’s It About?

So, Stephanie Plum (Katherine Hiegl) lives in New Jersey and has no job but she does have a kinda creepy cousin named Vinny (Patrick Fischler, who looks like he would be a creepy cousin named Vinny) who owns a place called Vinny’s Bail Bonds. Stephanie reminds Vinny of a time that he attempted to get all incestous-like with her so Vinny hires her as a bail enforcement agent (otherwise known as a bounty hunter). Stephanie’s first assignment is to catch Joe Morelli (Jason O’Mara), a former cop who is wanted for murder. Stephanie is happy to accept this assignment because, back in high school, she lost her virginity to Joe and then attempted to run him over with her car after he dumped her.

However, it quickly turns out that 1) Joe isn’t that easy to catch and 2) he might be innocent. In between getting bounty hunting lessons from Ranger (Daniel Sunjata) and catching other assorted bail jumpers, Stephanie tries to help Morelli prove his innocence and also finds herself falling in love with him, despite the fact that he’s kind of a jerk.

What Worked?

This film has gotten some of the worst reviews I’ve ever seen and not just from the usual gang of overpaid film critics who always hate on films starring Katherine Heigl. Even the reviews left on the imdb are amazingly negative, a lot of them being left by fans of the series of books that this film is based on. I have to admit that I haven’t read any of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels and maybe that’s why I didn’t think this film was that bad.

This film was essentially a big budget Lifetime film and it was at its best when it accepted that fact. It had a few cute moments and there’s a moment, where the inexperienced Stephanie Plum goes, “Oh, I forgot I had a gun!” that made me laugh out loud because I know that’s exactly the sort of thing that I’d end up saying if I ever took up bounty hunting for a living. While I agree with those who have said that Heigl was miscast as Stephanie, I could still relate enough to the character that the film (for the most part) managed to hold my attention.

Jason O’Mara and Daniel Sunjata are both easy on the eyes. Stephanie’s not the only one to have fantasies about being handcuffed by Jason O’Mara while naked.

A lot of the negative comments that I’ve read about this film centered on just how bad Heigl’s New Jersey accent was. As a Texan who speaks with a twang in her voice, all I can say to that is “Welcome to my world, bitches.” If nothing else, maybe this film will let Yankees know how it feels to have their accent butchered by someone who grew up in Connecticut.

What Did Not Work?

Just because the film wasn’t that bad doesn’t mean that it was all that good. It’s a fun film to watch when you’re sick and it’s raining outside because it’s so lightweight and insubstantial that it doesn’t require you to think about what’s happening on-screen or really to even pay that much attention. If you do pay attention, you’ll quickly realize that Heigl (who I, as opposed to lot of people, usually like) isn’t believable as a member of the working class, the film’s story is predictable, and that John Leguizamo plays essentially the same annoying character that John Leguizamo always plays in films like this.

I’m also assuming that Heigl’s voice-over narration was an attempt to capture Evanovich’s authorial voice on-screen but, honestly, it just came across as being heavy-handed and unnecessary.

“Oh my God! Just Like Me!” Moments

There were a few. To be honest, I get the feeling that if I ever became a bounty hunter, I would probably be kind of a klutzy one like Stephanie Plum is in this film. Add to that, Stephanie has to spend a lot of time listening to people complain about her driving and I can certainly relate to that. Seriously, you get a few tickets for running a red light and then you jump a few medians and suddenly, everyone’s making you out to be some sort of menace.

Lessons Learned:

What might be annoying on the big screen is perfectly acceptable when you’re curled up on the couch and watching TV.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Deadly Hope (dir. by Nicolas Monette)

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as I attempted to drift off to sleep, I turned on the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched the Canadian thriller, Deadly Hope.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, it was on the Lifetime Movie Network and that’s always a good sign. Secondly, how can you not watch something called Deadly Hope?

What Was It About?

So, Joanne (Alana De La Garza) is an obstetrician whose life is turned upside down when her partner at the fertility clinic is murdered by a mysterious assailant. Joanne deals with her grief by having a one-night stand with a random stranger and soon, that random stranger is also murdered by a mysterious assailant. Could the two crimes be connected and will the audience notice that all the locations in the film look rather Canadian? That’s up to Detective Denise Landers (Sandrine Holt) to figure out.

What Worked?

Oh my God, this movie was scary! Now, I know what you’re doing. You’re laughing at me because you’re all like, “C’mon, Lisa — it’s a Canadian Lifetime movie!” Well, all I can say is that you weren’t there. Okay, the killer doesn’t just strangle or shoot people — instead, he stabs them with this little hypodermic needle that he carries around with him and it just looks like a really painful way to die. Add to that, the killer just keeps popping up out of nowhere, much like the murderer in Dario Argento’s underrated giallo Opera.

Though she might not be a household name, Sandrine Holt is one of my favorite actresses, mostly because she always seems to be so unimpressed with everything happening around her.

What Did Not Work?

Actually, most of the film didn’t work and it was largely because Joanne was such an unsympathetic character and it didn’t help that quite a few otherwise likable characters ended up getting killed just because they made the mistake of knowing her. As played by Alana De La Garza, Joanne seems to be more annoyed by the inconvenience of having to deal with multiple murders than anything else.

Add to that, even by the standards of a Canadian movie, the film’s final twist kinda came out of nowhere.

“Oh My God! Just like me!” Moments

I’m tempted to say that there were absolutely no “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments in this film but that’s not quite true. For instance, Joanne gets annoyed when her annoying neighbor just wanders, unannounced, into her living room and I would have the same reaction.

And, of course, every time Joanne has a one-night stand, it ends in a bloody murder. That’s nothing like me … or is it? *Cue ominous music*

Lessons Learned

Not everything made in Canada is as good as Degrassi.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas (dir. by Jeff Melman)

Posted on April 28, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Recently, I spent the night watching a bunch of commercials for Everest College that had been recorded onto my DVR. Occasionally, the Everest commercials were interrupted by 1994’s made-for-tv movie Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas.

Why Was I Watching It?

Back when I was like 10, I used to always watch Saved By The Bell: The New Class every Saturday morning. Even at that age, I knew that show was kinda stupid and that Dustin Diamond’s Screech Powers was one of the most annoying television characters of all time. But I still watched it and occasionally, I would catch a rerun of the Old Class as well. (Quite honestly, up until a few years ago, there was never a time that reruns of Saved By The Bell weren’t being broadcast somewhere.) By the time I was in high school, I appreciated Saved By The Bell as being almost a type of performance art.

As of late, it’s been difficult to find Saved By The Bell reruns on television and that made me a little bit sad because I felt like my childhood was disappearing and that I might be turning into an adult. So, imagine how happy I was when I discovered that MTV2 now shows a two hour-block of Saved By The Bell every afternoon and, thanks to the wonderful thing that is the DVR, I can watch them without having to quit my job to do so. Yay!

Two weeks ago, MTV2 showed the final Saved By The Bell movie, 1994’s Wedding in Las Vegas. Though I knew, of course, that Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and Kelly (Tiffani Amber Thiessen) had gotten married at the end of the original series, I had never actually seen the wedding. And I have to admit that I really didn’t have much desire to see the wedding until it suddenly showed up on my DVR…

What Was It About?

This is one of those rare cases where the film’s title truly tells you everything you need to know. Zack and Kelly get married in Las Vegas while their friends Screech, Slater (Mario Lopez), and Lisa (Lark Voorhees) have wacky adventures of their own. Zack has $1,200 dollars to try to put on his dream wedding but, as often happens in the world of Saved By The Bell, there are countless complications that are largely the result of Zack being a sociopathic pathological liar. Zack loses all of his money but, instead of telling Kelly the truth, he attempts to win the money by becoming a male escort. Meanwhile, Slater falls in love with a girl who is being pursued by the Mafia and Lisa (Hey, I just noticed that we have the same name! Yay!) ends up flirting with a hot guy who has a pony tail and who, fortunately, happens to be as rich as everyone else that she went to high school with.

What Worked And What Did Not Work?

Normally, I separate this into two separate questions but that’s kind of pointless when you’re dealing with something like Saved By The Bell: Wedding Las Vegas. The main thing that works about a show like Saved By The Bell is that absolutely nothing really works. It’s all very silly, shallow, predictable, dated, occasionally cringe-worthy, and, in its way, very calming. Despite the film’s many flaws, it’s difficult to really justify criticizing it too harshly because you know what you’re getting into when you decide to watch something called Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas in the first place.

Almost everyone in the cast is really cute in a 90s kinda way and even the usually horrible Dustin Diamond (who I hated even when I was ten years old and watching him on the New Class) is tolerable in Las Vegas. Though the film — much like the series — is focused on Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Zack, I’ve always felt that Zack was overrated. Mario Lopez, with his confident smile and perfectly chiseled body, was (and still is) the hot one. Whereas Zack always seemed to have an off-putting air of entitlement, Slater knew what he wanted and he took it. That trend continues in Wedding In Las Vegas where Slater won’t even let the Mafia stand in the way of getting a date.

This film is technically a comedy though you don’t so much laugh with it as you laugh at it. However, there was one moment that made me genuinely laugh out loud and that was the scene where “the gang” visits a 24-hour wedding chapel and director Jeff Melman gives us a quick tracking shot of the long line of couples waiting to get married. Along with the expected Elvis impersonators, there’s also a very pregnant girl standing next to a scared-looking boy who has an old man pointing a shotgun at him. That made me laugh.

This is yet another one of the shows where every single problem could have been avoided by the characters just not acting like idiots. Seriously, I don’t know what’s worse — that Zack felt that it would be better to become a male escort as opposed to just telling Kelly the truth or that Kelly so quickly forgave him. (Me, I would have been so mad at him but it doesn’t seem to bother Kelly that her future husband lied to her on the night before their wedding.)

As I stated before, there’s a lot that technically doesn’t work about Wedding in Las Vegas but it is Saved By The Bell, after all.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

If ever get married in Las Vegas, I imagine it’ll be quite a bit like Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas, in that I fully expect that 1) I’ll stay at a nice hotel, 2) I’ll get a mani/pedi with my best girlfriend, and 3) the Mafia will somehow be involved.

That said, Dustin Diamond will not be invited to my wedding.

Lessons Learned

Nothing can stand in the way of true love. Especially when you’re rich and white.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Friday the 13th (dir. by Marcus Nispel)

Posted on April 13, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, Jeff and I watched the 2009 reboot of Friday the 13th.

Why Was I Watching It?

For the past two weeks, I’ve been reviewing the 12 films that make up the Friday the 13th franchise. This is the last installment so far and, appropriately enough, I’m reviewing it on Friday the 13th. (No, that’s not just a coincidence.)

What’s It About?

It’s a reboot! That’s right — forget about every other Friday the 13th film because, apparently, they never happened. Instead of trying to figure out some new gimmick to try to get audiences to watch Jason Voorhees kill yet more teenagers, producer Michael Bay and director Marcus Nisepl have simply gone back to the beginning and started all over again. (I think I saw something similar in an episode of Futurama once.)

Basically, this is the first four films all rolled into one. The film starts with a young Jason Voorhees watching as his murderous mother (Nana Visitor) gets beheaded by a camp counselor. 30 years later, Jason (now played by Derek Mears) is living in the woods around Camp Crystal Lake. A bunch of obnoxious campers come up to the Lake because they’re looking for a marijuana crop and Jason, being the culture warrior that he is, responds by killing all of them except for Whitney (played by Amanda Righetti), who he just kidnaps.

A month later, Whitney’s brother Clay (Jared Padalecki) arrives at Crystal Lake to search for his sister. Upon arriving, he runs into yet another group of obnoxious campers who have decided to take a vacation up at Crystal Lake. Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) agrees to help Clay look for Whitney and while the two of them are off searching, Jason shows up and starts killing everyone else.

What Worked?

One reason that I’m using the What Lisa Watched Last Night format to review this film is because, to a large extent, it’s pointless to get all nitpicky while reviewing a film like the reboot of Friday the 13th. This is not a film you watch because you’re looking to see something that’s going to redefine cinema. This is a film you watch so that you can scream, laugh, and grab your boyfriend. And, on all those fronts, Friday the 13th succeeds well enough. Director Marcus Nispel obviously understands the slasher genre and he provides everything that we’ve come to expect from a film like this.

Also, I have to admit, I always scream at the end of the film even though I know what’s going to happen.

The victims are all very disposable and forgettable but Aaron Yoo is funny as the token stoner.

What Did Not Work?

With this film, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Conan The Barbarian, Nispel shows that while he may understand how to make a genre film, he also doesn’t seem to be capable of adding anything new to them. This isn’t a problem if you’re just looking to be entertained but, for true fans of the original films that have been rebooted by Nispel and producer Michael Bay, it’s hard not to wonder just why exactly these franchises needed a reboot as opposed to a sequel. Watching a film like Friday the 13th reboot, it’s hard not to feel as if the filmmakers simply gave up trying to bring anything new to the equation and instead rather cynically decided to just capitalize on the earlier work of filmmakers who, as opposed to Nispel and Bay, aren’t in the current mainstream of the Hollywood establishment.

The main difference between a reboot like Friday the 13th and the original films in the franchise is that the reboot cost a lot more to make. It’s a lot slicker (and therefore, you never really buy into the reality of the horror) and, with a few exceptions like Aaron Yoo, it’s full of bland actors who are recognizable from TV and who seem to be going out of their way to “act like characters in a slasher film” as opposed to at least trying to give actual performances. It almost feels as if Nispel, Bay, and the cast are specifically going out of their way to wink at us and tell us, “We’re so much better than the movie that you just paid money to see.” It feels incredibly condescending.

The film’s attempt to shoehorn the original first four films of the franchise into one 97 minute movie results in a film that often feels rather rushed.

“OMG! Just Like Me!” Moments

Oh, a lot. I would be so dead if I ever wandered into a slasher film.

Lessons Learned

From rewatching the entire Friday the 13th franchise, I learned several lessons: Don’t have premarital sex (or probably not even marital sex for that matter, Jason has got some issues), don’t drink beer, don’t smoke weed, don’t snort cocaine, don’t skinny dip, don’t go commando, don’t go in the wood, don’t go camping, don’t walking into a dark room, don’t say, “Is there anyone here?,” don’t shower, don’t sleep in abandoned cabins, don’t help out strangers, don’t hitchhike, don’t flirt, and … well, don’t do anything and you should be just fine.

However, what fun would that be?

Well, this concludes my series on the Friday the 13th franchise. I’ll be posting a few final thoughts on the franchise as a whole later tonight or on Sunday but for now, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these reviews as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. Stay supple and don’t go wandering around in the dark. Happy Friday the 13th!

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Do No Harm (dir. by Philippe Gagnon)

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, once I had watched the new episodes of Survivor and South Park and the series finale of One Tree Hill (yes, it was still on the air), I decided to watch a Lifetime movie before bedtime. (And by bedtime, I mean time that I spent in bed because I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night.) Anyway, the movie that I ended up watching was called Do No Harm.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was a Lifetime movie, of course! As if you had to ask…

As well, Do No Harm is the latest made-for-TV Canadian film to make its American “world premiere” on the Lifetime Movie Network. At times, it seems like every single film that pops up on Lifetime was sent to us by Canada. Certainly, the best ones do. Myself, I love watching these films and spotting the scenes where Montreal is obviously standing in for New York City. I also enjoy how these films always seem to star a vaguely recognizable American TV star and a bunch of pleasant and polite people who all have French last names. Proud American that I am, I occasionally fantasize about running off to Canada and Lifetime and Degrassi are to blame…

What Was It About?

So, Emily Edmunds (played by Deanna Russo) is a fashion designer who is engaged to the perfect guy but then, a few days before their wedding, her fiancée goes on a business trip and, a few hours after he leaves, Emily sees a news report about how his plane has crashed and there’s no survivors so Emily decides to kill herself but since there wouldn’t be a movie if she died after the first 15 minutes, Emily is saved and ends up getting checked into a mental hospital where she bonds with her therapist Dr. Thorne (Lauren Holly) but — uh oh! — it turns out that Dr. Thorne has some issues of her own and ends up developing a psychotic obsession on Emily and when Emily is finally all like, “Leave me alone, psycho,” Dr. Thorne responds by kidnapping Emily and then murdering a lot of people with a shotgun, poison, and finally some hit-and-run driving.

Hold on a minute, let me catch my breath.

Did you get all that?

What Worked?

In the great tradition of low-budget Canadian filmmaking, this movie was ultimately so bad that it was good. It’s hard not to admire how the filmmakers take a genuinely intriguing premise and then portray it in a way that is so heavy-handed and ludicrous that you can’t help but watch.

Lauren Holly probably gives the best performance of her career as a caring therapist who, oddly enough, turns out to be a pretty efficient diabolical mastermind. What I love about films like this is how the villain can go from being sympathetic to creepy to brilliant to remarkable stupid depending on how much time is left in the movie.

I also love how, in these movies, nobody will ever believe that main character even if there’s like a thousand reasons that they should. Emily’s best friend actually leaves a message in Emily’s voice mail while she’s in the process of being killed by Dr. Thorne and yet not even that is enough to get Thorne arrested. It reminded me of that episode of South Park where Cartman pretends to be a psychic and gets everyone but the actual serial killer arrested.

That was a really funny episode, by the way.

What Didn’t Work?

Unfortunately, you really can’t have “so bad it’s good” without the bad. Then again, this was a Lifetime movie and it kept me entertained so, as far as I’m concerned, it all worked.

“Oh My God! Just like me!” Moments

Needless to say, I’ve seen a few therapists over the years and every single one of them was obsessed with me.

Or, at least, I always assumed they were.

In reality, it was always kind of disappointing for me to realize that they had other patients who spent just as much time with them as I did.

Bleh.

Lessons Learned:

I may, in the future, spend a year living in Canada but I’ll never see a Canadian psychiatrist.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer (dir. by Lela Swift)

Posted on April 1, 2012 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched an obscure science fiction film, 1974’s The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer.

Why Was I Watching It?

It was nearly four in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. So, I turned on the TV, checked the guide, and I saw that something called The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer was about to start on the Fox Movie Channel. Pushing the info button on my remote control, revealed only that the film was made in 1974 and that “No cast information is available.” Well, after seeing that, how couldn’t I have curled up on the couch and watched?

What Was It About?

Clifford Swimmer (Peter Haskell) is perhaps the least likable human being ever. He’s an angry alcoholic who abuses his wife (Sheree North) and son (Lance Kerwin) and who has somehow managed to get into debt to the local loan shark (played by William Bassett, who is better known for playing the Sheriff in House of a 1,000 Corpses and doing the voice overs for those annoying Whataburger commercials). Clifford hates his life and dreams of running off with his mistress and living on a boat. If only he were free of his “responsibilities…”

Fortunately, he just happens to know the local mad scientist (Keene Curtis) who clones Clifford, using cells taken from Clifford’s tongue. Once the clone takes his place at home and word, Clifford runs off with his mistress. Fortunately, the Clone turns out to be the nicest, most gentle guy in the world and both his wife and son are overjoyed at the sudden change in personality that appear to have occurred within “Clifford.” The real Clifford Swimmer, however, soon becomes disillusioned with life on a boat and decides to return to his old life. Unfortunately, his old life doesn’t really want him back. It all leads to violence, several murders, and a surprise twist at the end.

What Worked?

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer. Smartly written (and as melodramatic as any film called The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer should have been), this was a surprisingly thought-provoking little film and the “surprise” ending was executed very well and even came close to bringing tears to my sleep-deprived eyes.

Considering the film’s origins (which are discussed down below), this was a surprisingly well-acted film that is dominated by an excellent performance from Peter Haskell as Clifford Swimmer and this clone. After I watched the film, I checked with imdb and I discovered that Peter Haskell (who passed away in 2010) was apparently a pretty busy television actor and he definitely had the looks of someone you would expect to find playing a doctor in a soap opera. On the basis of his performance here, he was also apparently a pretty versatile actor.

What Did Not Work?

According to imdb, The Cloning of Clifford Swimmer was originally an episode of something called The Wide World Of Mystery which used to air on ABC back in the 70s. However, even if I hadn’t done that bit of research, the film was obviously made for television. By that, I mean that it has the flat, stagey look of a three camera sitcom. As well, the fact that every climatic scene fades to black (for a commercial break) definitely disrupts the rhythm of the show.

That said, I have to also say that — last night at least — these “flaws” actually added to the film’s charm.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

If I were ever the type to be a home wrecker, I hope I’d be as stylish a one as Clifford’s mistress, Madeline Rivera (played by Sharon Farrell, who is also in one of my favorite movies of all time, Out of the Blue). Seriously, her clothes were to die for. That said, I would also hope that I would have better taste in men.

Lessons Learned

Sometimes, it’s not a bad idea to just stay up late and just watch whatever happens to come on.