Tyler Hynes | Through the Shattered Lens

I asked Tubi for a soccer movie and this is what I got.

Steve Guttenberg plays Henry Butler, an American soccer player whose love of gambling gets him arrested. He’s given a year’s probation and ordered to work as a handyman at a “boys’ home” that is managed by Karen (Sophie Lorain). Karen wants the boys to start playing soccer so that they can feel good about themselves and Henry just happens to know something about that. The team might not be any good but Henry teaches them to believe in themselves and Henry finally stop loathing himself. Then the boys’ home burns down but luckily, Henry and the cook (Michel Perron) make enough money at the horse races to build a new one. Sometimes, gambling is good!

This sucked. All of the boys were obnoxious and Steve Guttenberg spent the whole movie talking extremely fast and jumping up and down. A typical recurring joke was that the flatulent goalie’s shorts kept falling down. One of the boys was played by Christian Slater’s younger brother but he didn’t sound like Jack Nicholson so who cares? There’s a whole other subplot about Karen blackmailing the local funeral home into sponsoring the kids so that they can goet uniforms. Karen and Henry fell in love but I didn’t. Even the soccer games were boring.

This movie had a kick, straight to the head. It didn’t have the fighting spirit of the best baseball movies.

Last night, after I watched Little Girl’s Secret, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Best-Selling Murder!

Why Was I Watching It?

The obvious answer, of course, is that it was a Lifetime premiere and y’all know how much I love my Lifetime movies! But, even beyond that, there were two reasons why I made it a point to watch Best-Selling Murder.

1) Much as with Little Girl’s Secret, I was hoping that — by watching and live tweeting Best-Selling Murder — I could bring some joy to an otherwise depressed world. Unfortunately, I didn’t get much live tweeting done because it was late and I was kinda tired.

2) It was a murder mystery about a writer! I’m a writer and I’d love to solve a real-life murder mystery! Obviously, this would be a movie to which I would be able to relate.

What Was It About?

Hannah (Vanessa Ray) is an acclaimed author who has run out of ideas. Actually, not only has she run out of ideas, but she’s also now on the verge of running out of opportunities. Her publisher is dropping her. As they explain it, awards and accolades don’t mean anything. People wants novels about teenage vampires and middle-aged bondage.

Of course, that’s not all Hannah has to worry about. Her creep of an ex-husband has married and impregnated her former best friend. She has not one but two stalkers following her around. And she also appears to have something of a drinking problem!

However, things start to look up after she starts to channel her rage into a serialized series of stories, all of which deal with a serial killer named Bloody Mary. If you betray Bloody Mary, you get stabbed in the heart…

Suddenly, people who have betrayed Hannah start to turn up dead. And guess what? They’ve all been stabbed in the heart!

What Worked?

Everything worked! Pulpy, melodramatic, and occasionally a little silly, this movie was the epitome of everything that makes Lifetime great. Don’t worry about whether or not the plot makes any sense. Don’t worry if some of the twists come out of nowhere. Instead, just enjoy the ride.

Vanessa Ray was well-cast as Hannah. Not only was she a sympathetic protagonist but you also actually believed that she capable of being a somewhat respected author. I’m always extremely sensitive to how writers are portrayed in the movies. Vanessa Ray was never less than believable.

Considering the number of Lifetime films that I’ve seen, it’s not easy to take me by surprise but this film’s twisty plot kept me guessing.

What did Not Work?

There was nothing that didn’t work about this film. Best-Selling Murder is exactly the type of movie that we watch Lifetime for. It was a melodramatic, fun, and even surprising.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I always relate to any film about a writer, especially if that writer is dealing with the darker side of life. It’s true that I’ve never gotten to solve a murder but who knows what the future holds!

Lessons Learned

Don’t upset Bloody Mary.