A Little Ball”

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we have a special, super-sized episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

(Dir by George McCowan and Michael Vejar, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

This week, we get three fantasies, instead of the usual two!

Sister Mary Theresa (Lisa Hartman) is a nun who has been struggling with her faith even since the death of her mentor. Her fantasy is a chance to meet the only mortal man that her mentor ever loved. Colin McArthur (John Saxon) is tall, dark, handsome, and he loves animals! Not only does he seem like the perfect guy but he’s also played by John Saxon. Today, Saxon is best-known for appearing in horror movies and for playing B-movie villains and it’s easy to forget that he could also be quite a charming actor when given the chance. That said, as charming as he is, Colin just can’t compete with God and Sister Mary Theresa once again dons her habit before leaving the Island.

Meanwhile, Felix Birdsong (Don Knotts) has spent his life fantasizing about being a big time Hollywood casting agent and he gets his chance when he comes to the Island and is put in charge of selecting the woman who will star in a film called The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. Felix soon discovers that Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as he thought. (Uh, yeah, no doubt.) The film’s producer (Abe Vigoda) is a sleaze. The film is being funded by a combination of gangsters and oil sheikhs (one of whom is played by Cesar Romero) and all of them expect Felix to select their girlfriends for the role. Felix ends up very disillusioned, though you have to wonder what type of sheltered existence he experienced before coming to the island. I mean, he’s shocked to discover that Hollywood can be a heartless place and that rich men have mistresses! In the end, Felix announces that all 20 of the women will be cast as The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and that every single one of them will get the prize money. Yay! Of course, now the production is probably out of money so it’s not as if the film will ever actually be made. Actually, if I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and the judge just declared a 20-girl tie instead of giving me the prize, I would probably think he was the biggest jerk in the world. Boooo! Felix, you jerk!

Finally, Jane Garwood (Florence Henderson, continuing the tradition of Brady Bunch cast members showing up on the island) is a television news reporter who recently gained a lot of attention for a report she filed on Satanic cults. As a result of the report, a Satanic priest put a curse on Jane. Jane laughed it off until all of the men in her life started dying. Jane’s fantasy is to learn whether the curse is real. Mr. Roarke’s solution is to become the new man in Jane’s life. When he doesn’t die, Jane will see that the curse is not real….

Except, the curse is real! The cult has followed Jane to the Island and now they’re not only trying to kill her but Mr. Roarke as well! I have to admit that I’ve always assumed that Mr. Roarke was meant to be a supernatural being and I also assumed that he was immortal. Apparently, that’s not completely true. Still, despite the cult leader kidnapping Jane and dancing around with a cobra, Roarke is able to reveal that the cult leader is not only not a supernatural being but that he’s also Jane’s ex-boyfriend!

This episode was a fun mix of cartoonish comedy, sincere romance, and ludicrous melodrama. It was entertainingly silly in the way that only Fantasy Island could be at its best. I mean, with the exception of The Brady Bunch Hour, how many other shows would have the guts to give us Florence Henderson being menaced by a Satanic cult? For that, you have to go to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.11 “Restless Mary Beth” and 4.12 “Shoot Out”

Posted on April 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

When last we checked in with Hang Time, the Tornadoes were in San Antonio and the show was doing an absolutely terrible job of portraying Texas. Wow, I hope that’s over with! Let’s find out.

Episode 4.11 “Restless Mary Beth”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

Hey, we’re back in Indiana! I guess that stupid and insulting Texas storyline is over with. Yay!

Freaking out because she’s worried that she doesn’t have enough extra-curricular activities to get into the college of her choice, Mary Beth starts taking on every activity that she can. She joins the band. She rejoins the cheerleaders. She joins the Speech and Debate club. When she finds out that a special election is being held to select a new student council president, she decides to run. Julie, Hammer, and Kristy warn her that she’s taking on too much but Mary Beth laughs them off. One scene later and Mary Beth is having a nervous breakdown and sobbing in the locker room because she’s working herself to exhaustion.

No worries! Mary Beth ends up falling asleep and she has a dream where she’s competing against Kristy in a shopping spree. Mary Beth has more stuff in her cart but Kristy still wins because, as Hammer explains, Mary Beth didn’t make it to graduation because she tried to take on too much. So, I guess the implication is that Mary Beth is going to die if she takes on too many extra-curriculars? Wow, that’s dark!

That said, I could relate to this episode. I tend to take on too much as well. Despite a rather stupid B-plot about the team losing the Coach’s championship ring while lounging in the new hot tub, this was a pretty good episode and it made a good point about taking time to rest. Plus, it returned the action to Indiana, where it belongs.

Episode 4.12 “Shoot Out”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

The Tornadoes are in San Antonio for the Tri-state Tournament….

WAIT A MINUTE, THEY’RE BACK IN TEXAS!? They were just in Indiana, how are they back in Texas!?

The obvious answer is that NBC showed these episodes out-of-order. NBC tended to do that to all of their Sunday morning shows so it shouldn’t come as a shock that they would do it to Hang Time. Still, it always surprises me how blatant NBC was in its utter disregard for the three or four people who were actually paying attention to continuity back in the 90s.

Anyway, the team is back in San Antonio and, as always, they are just one game away from winning not only the tournament but also a trip to New York. Coach K is excited to learn that their next game will be against a team coached by his protegee, Rick. However, when the Coach discovers that 1) Rick is now in a wheelchair and 2) Rick might get an NBA job but only if his team wins, Coach K finds himself feeling a bit conflicted. The Tornadoes interpret this as Coach wanting them to throw the game! Fortunately, after a terrible first half, Coach K tells them that he doesn’t want them to throw the game and that deliberately losing is an insult to the other team. Just as with every other game they’ve ever played, the Tornadoes come back in the second half and win by one point. They win a trip to New York and Rick gets his NBA position regardless. Does the NBA regularly hire high school coaches?

While this is going on, Antonio (Jay Hernandez) begs Kristy to forgive him for not telling her that he could speak English. He eventually wins Kristy over, mostly because he’s totally adorable and, since this show was filmed in the 90s, no one mentions how messed up it was that Kristy automatically assumed that Antonio and his friends couldn’t speak English to begin with.

Ugh. This episode did a slightly better job of presenting Texas than the previous San Antonio episode did but there were still way too many people walking around wearing cowboy hats. Not everyone in Texas is a cowboy.

Anyway, I guess the team is going to New York now! If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere …. well, you know the rest.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/9/23 — 4/15/23

Posted on April 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

This week, Janine’s mom (Taraji P. Henson) made an appearance, hoping that she could get Janine to pay her phone bill. This was a really touching and very emotional episode. Sheryl Lee Ralph was especially moving as Barbara tried to save Janine from being taken advantage of by her mother. While that was going on, Gregory struggled to improve his people skills and Jacob amazed everyone with his magic tricks. “The magic doesn’t work if you lie, Melissa!”

Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)

This week’s episode was a nicely melodramatic one, in which an angry man tried to frame his ex-wife as a drug smuggler. To be honest, it was kind of a silly episode but it was so over-the-top that it was still enjoyable.

American Idol (Sunday and Monday Night, FOX)

Not surprisingly, I wasn’t really that happy with the Top 24. Many of the singers seemed to be a bit generic and, after all the suffering he went through to just make it through Hollywood Week, Aden was eliminated. I was happy that Nutsa made the top 24. She’s a force of chaos so I hope she wins but I fear that the show’s efforts to turn her into Hollywood Week’s villain will lead to the voters punishing her.

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, FOX)

I was cleaning around the house while watching this week’s episode so I have to admit that I wasn’t paying the show 100% attention. That said, the farmers still do not have wives.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I wrote about this week’s episode here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this week’s episode here!

The Masters (Sunday Afternoon, CBS)

“Lisa Marie,” so many people said to me on Easter, “you’re watching golf?”

You better believe I was watching golf! Seriously, the golf course was very relaxing to look at and I enjoyed the restrained applause of all the people watching the game. Later that night, while rest of my family was enjoying the danger of NASCAR, I was remembering the calming day on the golf course. As for who won the game …. well, to be honest, I don’t know who any of the golfers are, outside of Tiger Woods (who dropped out by the final round of the Masters) and that guy that Necromoonyeti doesn’t like. But no matter! I’m happy for whoever it was that won.

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Dan had a chance to become a billionaire by investing in a new tech company. Abbi ruined it for everyone. Oh, Abbi! Seriously, I like Melissa Rauch and I think she does about as good as anyone could with the character but, at some point, I’m going to start wondering why everyone puts up with Abbi continually screwing up their lives.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode here! Where is Jeff Probst always trying to be so nice nowadays? It’s weird.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

Now, I not only have to worry about the new dog but I also have to worry about Elijah Wood! I swear, I may never recover from the anxiety that this show brings me.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled” and 5.3 “Honest Sly”

Posted on April 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the Dreams finally experience an earthquake!

Episode 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 14th, 1996)

Sly has just discovered that radio executive Joey DeParna’s legendary thick head of hair is actually a wig and he’s blackmailing Joey into giving the Dreams an audition! The only problem is that, due to a recent earthquake, Tony is suffering from PTSD and can’t even play the drums without having a flashback! Mark suggests recreating the earthquake so that Tony can conquer his fears but, when the Dreams start shoving Tony’s drum kit back and forth, Tony panics and runs straight into a wall. It looks like Tony’s going to have to live with his aunt and uncle in Ohio. Fortunately, right as Tony is getting ready to say goodbye to his friends, another earthquake hits and Tony gets in a doorway. When he realizes that the second earthquake didn’t kill him, Tony conquers his fears and decides to stay in California. I don’t know. I think two earthquakes in one week would be enough to make me leave but then again, I like Ohio. Actually, we do have earthquakes in Texas but it’s rare that we ever actually notice them. California, on the other hand, is probably going to plunge into the ocean and float away in another year or two.

I’m a little bit surprised that it took five seasons for a show called California Dreams to feature an earthquake. I was also surprised that this was apparently Tony’s first earthquake, even though he grew up in California. The scenes where Tony freaked out and flashed back to the quake were actually a lot better done than you would expect from a Saturday morning kids show. I could understand Tony’s fear! That said, the highlight of this episode was not the earthquake but instead a B-plot in which Tiffani got a job at an animal shelter and, while the shelter was closed for a week, all of the Dreams (except for Lorena) got to take care of an animal. Tony’s beagle was adorable!

Episode 5.3 “Honest Sly”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 21, 1996)

Sly has a new job! He’s working for Gem Diamond (Gary Beach) and selling used cars! Sharp-eyed viewers will recognize Gem Diamond as being the same guy who sold Zack Morris a cheap class ring on Saved By The Bell. As such, you can probably guess what type of cars Gem has on his used car lot. Sly, of course, doesn’t have any problem selling crappy used cars for too much money. Or, at least, he doesn’t until Sam buys a car and it crashes because the brakes were bad. Struck with guilt, Sly goes on live TV and reveals that Gem sold Sam a defective car. Gem gives Sam back her money and is so impressed with Sly’s sneakiness that he offers to go into business with him. Sly, however, has had it with selling used cars.

Meanwhile, Lorena pretends to be Mark’s girlfriend so that Mark will develop the confidence necessary to ask out another girl. Being Lorena’s fake boyfriend means doing stuff like shining her boots. (I need to get a new pair of boots myself.) The other girl is so impressed that she asks Mark to wash her car and do her French homework. Seriously, this show’s writers could never decide just how much of a loser Mark actually was. He was always either dating an Olympian or having an anxiety attack.

Usually, Lorena is the character to whom I most relate on this show but, during this episode, I related to Sam because everyone kept giving her such a hard time about being a bad driver. Much like me, Sam wasn’t a bad driver as much as she was just someone who found it difficult to focus while the person sitting beside her kept yelling, “LOOK OUT!”

This was a good episode. Gary Beach was genuinely funny as Gem Diamond. For continuity watchers, there’s a moment in the episode where Jake mentions the time that Sly got conned by a fake modeling school. The modeling school episode didn’t actually air until 4 months later. We’ll get to that episode in another few weeks.

Coming up next week: Jake’s father is hired by the school and Tony cheats on a test!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.5 “Diplomatic Immunity”

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

L.A. …. you belong to me….

Episode 1.5 “Diplomatic Immunity”

(Dir by Alan Cooke, Originally aired on April 12th, 1985)

Somebody is stealing luxury cars in Beverly Hills! Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) is pretty sure that he’s caught the responsible party, a teenager who was seen near one of the cars when it was taken. The teenager, who is in danger of losing his athletic scholarship, insists that he was just thinking about stealing the car but he didn’t actually do it. Instead, the car was stolen by some guy who arrived on the scene via a limousine. Why would a car thief be getting transported around in a limo?

That’s what Rocky Nelson (Joe Pesci) wants to find out! Just as in the previous episodes, everyone tells Rocky to not get involved. The police tell Rocky to stay out of the way. Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), tells him that it’s not his concern. Rocky’s landlord, Mr. Martin (Dean Martin), stops by the guesthouse to use Rocky’s phone and, though he doesn’t say not to get involved, it’s still pretty obvious that Dean Martin doesn’t care about the car thieves.

Only Rocky cares! Actually, Kurt (Bubba Smith) and Beau (Dick Butkus) care as well. In fact, in this episode, Kurt and Beau get almost as much screen time as Rocky. They follow Rocky around, hoping to learn how to become better detectives. As critical as I can sometimes be of Dick Butkus’s character on Hang Time, he was actually pretty funny on Half Nelson. He and Bubba Smith made a good comedy team and they seem to be having so much fun together that it makes up for the fact that neither one of them had much range as an actor. For instance, when Rocky goes to Beverly Hills High School to do some investigating, Kurt and Beau follow him. Kurt and Beau claim to be two new teachers at the school. “We got traded to this school from Harvard,” Beau says before Kurt explains that they got traded for another teacher and several draft picks. It’s a dumb joke but Butkus and Smith sell it with their enthusiasm.

Eventually, Rocky figures out that the car theft ring is being led by a diplomat (John Saxon) from Central America. Saxon pretends to be collecting money for charity but he’s actually just stealing cars and smuggling them out of the country. Rocky’s investigative techniques are not particularly complex. He “borrows” an expensive car from the studio and then hides in the trunk with his pitbull, Hunk. When Saxon’s henchman (Lewis van Bergen) steals the car, Rocky and Hunk jump into action. Hunk cripples the thief by biting his ankle and then Rocky and his dog run away as the car explodes. “Run, Hunk, run!” Rocky yells.

Rocky, Kurt, and Beau manage to catch Saxon right before he boards a plane to leave the country. The teenager is freed from jail. As he leaves his cell, he complains about the incompetence of the cops. Rocky yells at him for being disrespectful. It’s the best scene in the show, just because it feels spontaneous. It’s almost as if Pesci himself suddenly got mad and started yelling at the kid.

Rocky, Amanda (Victoria Jackson, who has been underused in every episode, with the exception of the pilot), and the rest of the Beverly Hills Security team throws a birthday party for Chester. Dean Martin does not show up. The end credits roll.

Half Nelson‘s main weakness is that, despite having an once-in-a-lifetime cast, the plots tend to feel somewhat generic. It just doesn’t feel right to have actors like Joe Pesci, Fred Williamson, Dean Martin, and even Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith dealing with the type of boring cases that any 80s TV detective could have solved. That said, compared to the previous episodes of Half Nelson that I’ve watched, this episode was okay. Pesci got to show off his streetwise attitude and, as always, he seemed to be happiest when acting opposite Dean Martin. John Saxon was stuck playing a one-note villain but it’s still always enjoyable to watch Saxon as he plots to do something bad. This episode was enjoyable if not exactly memorable.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.14 “Shock Treatment” and 4.15 “Frisky Business”

Posted on April 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hello, Manny High!

Episode 4.14 “Shock Treatment”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 4th, 2000)

Oh, thank God. Chris finally got a haircut. I’m not sure how I feel about the sideburns but Chris still definitely looks so much better without all of that hair dragging his face down.

Mean Dean, New York’s top radio DJ, is scheduled to do his show from Manny High but, when he calls in sick, it appears that the show might have to be cancelled. However, Ms. Noble approaches Dean’s producer and tells him that she knows two students who can fill in, Chris and Jamal! Apparently, Ms. Noble has forgotten about all of the times that she’s suspended Chris and Jamal from doing their show as a result of their history of rampant stupidity. The producer agrees to let Chris and Jamal fill in and loves listening to Chris and Jamal make jokes about their teachers. Since Dean is going to be out for a week, Chris and Jamal are hired to serve as his replacements….

I’m starting to suspect this show is not a realistic portrayal of the radio world.

Though Chris and Jamal try to keep the show light with a really bad Regis Philbin impersonation, their producer tells them that listeners don’t want nice. They want mean. So, Chris and Jamal insult all of their friends on the show. Apparently, the listeners love it and it looks like Chris and Jamal might get their own show! I guess pre-911 New Yorkers loved to turn on the radio and hear insulting jokes about obscure high school students. All of Chris and Jamal’s friends get angry and refuse to have anything to do with them so Ms. Noble decides to get involved.

“Is this the type of show you want to do?” Ms. Noble asks.

Considering that Chris and Jamal haven’t even graduated high school and they’re already the hosts of the top radio show in New York and they’re also getting paid a lot of money, I’d say that this is probably exactly the type of show that they want to do. Still, no one on City Guys can ever say no to Ms. Noble so Chris and Jamal quit their show and probably sabotage whatever hopes they may have of ever having a career in broadcasting. Instead of becoming the next Howard Stern, Jamal can look forward to inheriting the diner from his Dad and then, 20 years later, watching it go out of business due to the COVID lockdowns. Meanwhile Chris will probably either end up in jail for insider trading or as an assistant to Bill de Blasio. Either way, it’s not happy future. Thanks, Ms. Noble!

Episode 4.15 “Frisky Business”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

It’s the first day of school and everyone is shocked by Chris’s short hair. When they ask him why he cut it, he says that, when he was backpacking through Europe over the summer, too many Italian men mistook him for being a girl and tried to hit on him….

Of course, Chris had short hair last episode and no one mentioned it. On top of that, when did the previous school year end? It’s pretty obvious that NBC showed the fourth season episodes out of their intended order because who cares about continuity, right? It’s not like there are people hired for every movie and television series whose entire job is to keep track of continuity from shot-to-shot….

Actually, while we’re talking about things that don’t make sense, how did Chris backpack through Europe when he and Jamal were sent to summer school for cheating on that Chemistry midterm? At one point, during this episode, L-Train mentions that summer school ended the day before the new school year began. So, there’s really no way Chris could have done summer school and gone to Europe. My theory is that Chris paid someone to attend summer school for him. That was pretty smart of Chris. I’m impressed.

Anyway, the kids are shocked to discover that Manny High now has metal detectors and they now have to line up to enter the school. Dawn complains that nothing violent has ever happened on the Manny High campus. That’s actually not true. There’s been a lot of fights and near-fights on campus. Just a few episodes ago, someone (probably Louis) wrote “Jerk” on Jamal’s locker. Manny High is a dangerous place!

Not only do the students have to deal with the metal detectors but, after L-Train is caught with a switch-comb, the school board also decides to install transparent lockers and surveillance cameras on the roof. The students are given a list of things that they can no longer wear or bring to school. Ms. Noble tells the students that she has to enforce the rules. (HA! WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW, STUDENTS!?) But she encourages the students to come up with a “constructive” way to protest.

Chris and Jamal go on their stupid radio show and announce that Manny High has been turned into a prison and “Ms. Noble ain’t the principal no more, she’s the warden!” Chris and Jamal call on everyone to refuse to go to class until something is done about the metal detectors. Ms. Noble responds by suspending Chris, Jamal, Al, L-Train, Dawn, and Cassidy.

Being suspended apparently means hanging out at the New York Diner. Ms. Noble, who I’m going to assume in now divorced since we haven’t heard or seen anything about her husband since she got married, shows up there as well and says, “Hey kids, how’s life in the suspended lane?” Ms. Noble proceeds to scold them for not expressing their feelings in “a proper way.”

The kids decide that the best way to handle things is to set up a metal detector at the next school board meeting, which is being held at Manny High for some reason. To me, that seems a lot more obnoxious than anything that was said on the radio but it works. I guess the kids just needed Ms. Noble to talk down to them. After being forced to walk through the detectors themselves, the school board agrees to compromise with the students, which is something that would never happen in real life.

(It especially wouldn’t happen today. Nowadays, Americans love being bossed around.)

Anyway, these episode actually weren’t that bad, at least not when compared to some of the other episodes of City Guys. Both Scott Whyte and Wesley Jonathan showed a noticeable improvement as actors in these two episodes. It helps that Chris got his hair cut. I really didn’t realize how much Chris’s long hair bugged me until I saw him with short hair.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.9 “Till Death Do Us Part–Maybe / Locked Away / Chubs”

Posted on April 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for another cruise!

Episode 2.9 “Till Death Do Us Part–Maybe / Locked Away / Chubs”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on November 11th, 1978)

The Love Boat is haunted!

Well, no, not really. Instead, one of the passengers is haunted. Ellen Garner (Vernee Watson) is having a difficult time getting over the death of her husband, Mickey (Jimmie Walker, who also appeared on the very first episode of The Love Boat, though as a different character). It’s been two years since Mickey died and Ellen still has not been able to move on. Some of that might be because Mickey’s ghost is still following Ellen around. Only Ellen can see and hear Mickey. This leads to a lot of scenes of her arguing with Mickey while everyone standing around her assumes that she’s talking to herself.

(To be honest, I think most people would be made nervous by a woman who spent the entire cruise loudly arguing with herself but the passengers and the crew of The Love Boat are oddly unconcerned. It was the 70s so I assume everyone just assumed it was due to the cocaine.)

Mickey wants Ellen to move on and he pressures her to find a new husband on the cruise. In fact, Mickey thinks that Ellen should spend some time with Greg Elkins (Greg Morris), who is handsome, polite and wealthy. At first, Ellen resists Mickey’s attempts to push them together but finally, she gives in. Suddenly, Mickey starts to get jealous. By the end of the cruise, though, Mickey is at peace with Ellen moving on and Ellen accepts Greg’s marriage proposal. Mickey tries to congratulate Ellen, just to discover that she can no longer see or hear him. Mickey vanishes into thin air, giving this otherwise frothy story a somewhat bittersweet aftertaste.

Whether you were being haunted or not, would you get married after only knowing someone for a week? I know that there are reality shows built around this very idea but still, I have to wonder how many of these spontaneous Love Boat marriages ended in divorce. Speaking of divorce….

Also on the cruise is a young married couple, Linda (a young Jamie Lee Curtis, looking relieved to not have to deal with Michael Myers or any other knife-wielding madmen) and Wayne (Peter Coffield). Linda and Wayne are on the verge of divorce. Ever since her parents, Les and Gail (Conrad Bain and Curtis’s real-life mother, Janet Leigh), acrimoniously split up, Linda hasn’t believed in love. Linda and Wayne spend most of the cruise fighting, though it’s never quite clear what they’re fighting about. What they don’t know is that Les and Gail are on the cruise as well. Les and Gail came to the ship to see their daughter off and then, as they tried to exit, they accidentally got locked in an unused cabin. Trapped together and subsisting only on peanuts, water, and stowaway sex, Les and Gail discover that they are still in love and they agree to get married for a second time. At the end of the cruise, everyone is reunited and, seeing that her parents are going to give marriage another shot, Linda agrees to give Wayne another shot. Awwwww!

(Again, it should be kept in mind that Les and Gail fell back in love because they literally didn’t have anything else to do. They were trapped in cabin for several days! Will their rekindled love continue once they have to deal with each other in the real world? Considering how much they hated each other before getting trapped, it’s easy to be pessimistic. Can you imagine how Linda will feel if her parents get married a second time just to then get a second divorce? Then again, this is The Love Boat. Perhaps the whole point is not to give it too much thought….)

Finally, Gopher is super excited that his sister will be celebrating her 18th birthday on the cruise! However, Gopher is shocked and horrified to discover that Jennifer (Melissa Sue Anderson) has grown up and now has every guy on the ship hitting on her. Gopher asks Doc Bricker to look after her, which is an odd request given that Doc is a walking HR nightmare. That said, for once, Doc tries to do the right thing. However, Jennifer is eager to lose her virginity and she’s decided that Doc would be the perfect man to which to lose it….

Really? Out of all the guys on that cruise, you’re going to pick Doc?

Stories in which Doc is portrayed as being a legendary lover are always a bit strange because Doc was played be Bernie Kopell, a likable actor who gave off suburban Dad vibes as opposed to international playboy vibes. Kopell, Anderson, and the usually underused Fred Grandy all give likable performances in this storyline but it’s still just odd to think that Jennifer has apparently spent years dreaming about Doc Bricker.

It’s also strange that Captain Stubing mentions that it’s been years since he last saw Gopher’s sister. The previous season established that Captain Stubing had just recently been assigned to the boat and that he was still getting to know the crew. So, either several years passed between the first and the second season or someone in the writer’s room wasn’t paying attention to continuity. Then again, I imagine that continuity wasn’t as big a concern in the days before the Internet. Even if someone did notice the mistake, who would they tell?

This episode was a fairly entertaining one. Janet Leigh and Conrad Bain were definitely the highlight of this episode and it was fun to watch Leigh and Curtis acting opposite of each other. (That said, you just know the show’s producers probably tried to convince Tony Curtis to play Janet Leigh’s ex-husband before they asked Bain.) The ghost subplot had a few funny moments and Gopher finally got to do something. All in all, it was a pleasant cruise on the Love Boat.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we’ve got stripping and boxing!

Episode 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo is wearing a monocle because his cousin Igor has discovered that they are descended from royalty. Roarke is not impressed. Indeed, he seems to be genuinely angered by Tattoo’s suggestion that he’s somehow better than him.

As for the fantasies, first off the plane is Maureen Banning (Laraine Stephens). Maureen is a runaway heiress. Her father doesn’t want her to marry a poet named Barnaby (William Beckley) so she has snuck off to Fantasy Island so that she can get married over the weekend. Unfortunately, her father’s private detectives have followed her to the island. In a panic, Maureen hops onto the first bus that she sees. It turns out the bus is the tour bus for a burlesque show and the show’s manager, Russ McCoy (Michael Callan), has a fantasy that concerns bringing the show to Broadway. Maureen is mistaken for a famous burlesque dancer. Fortunately, Sheba Palumbo (Mamie Van Doren) and Betty (Beverly Powers) are avid tabloid readers and they immediately recognize Maureen as the runaway heiress. They agree to teach her how to dance so that she can stay on the island and marry Barnaby. Except, of course, Maureen is now starting to feel more attracted to Russ….

This fantasy was okay. I enjoyed the dancing and I also enjoyed thinking about how much Gary Loggins would have enjoyed watching his favorite actress, Mamie Van Doren, teach Maureen all the moves. I think the main problem with this fantasy is that, even after she ran way, Maureen never seemed to be in control of her own fate. The appeal of dancing on stage, whether you’re an old school burlesque performer or a modern-day stripper, is that it gives you all the power but, for Maureen, it just seemed like something to do until she finally got around to getting married.

The other fantasy involves Billy Blake (Ben Murphy), a boxer who only has three years to live. He wants a chance to fight the other leading leading championship contender. Even though the fight will be unofficial, Billy just wants a chance to show that, if not for his fatal disease, he could have been a champ. Of course, if he takes too many hits to the head, Billy could die in the ring. Billy is okay with that until he discovers that his former high school girlfriend, Jennie Collins (Maureen McCormick), is working on the Island. Billy’s trainer (Forrest Tucker) tells Jennie to stay away from Billy and Jennie is ashamed of all of the “things” she did when she ran off to Hollywood to try to become a star. (Like starring on The Brady Bunch Hour, perhaps….) But, in the end, Billy realizes that his real fantasy is to spend his last remaining years with Jennie. Personally, I found myself wondering why Billy didn’t consider a fantasy where he was cured of his terminal but unnamed disease. Then he could both be champion and spend the rest of his life with Jennie.

There weren’t many surprises with this fantasy but Ben Murphy and Maureen McCormick were an undeniably cute couple. I hope they had many good times before Billy’s agonizing and tragic death.

Next week …. John Saxon comes to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.9 “Love Triangle” and 4.10 “Texas Rose”

Posted on April 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have one decent episode and one episode that …. well, just read the review.

Episode 4.9 “Love Triangle”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

Finally, a decent episode!

At the start of this episode, Kristy informs Mary Beth that she has a crush on Hammer but she’s too shy to talk to him. Not surprisingly, Mary Beth takes it upon herself to set them up. She tells Hammer to be at the Stadium at a certain time so that he can meet his blind date. Hammer agrees but is shocked when the blind date turns out to be Kristy. After the date, he approaches Mary Beth and tells her that, while he thinks Kristy is great, she’s not the girl that he’s interested in. He’s interested in …. MARY BETH!

Now, you can probably guess that this leads to Mary Beth dating Hammer in secret. And you can probably also guess that Kristy eventually figures out what’s happening while they’re all at the latest school dance. Mary Beth and Kristy argue and then they make up and then everything’s fine. Mary Beth has a boyfriend, Hammer has a girlfriend, and Kristy …. well, okay. It kind of sucks for Kristy. That said, Mary Beth and Hammer are a cute couple.

This was a pretty simple episode and it almost felt like a throwback to the type of episodes that dominated the show’s first season. (Remember when Danny tried to date Julie before eventually realizing that Sam was perfect for him?) But it was kind of nice to take a break from all the basketball stuff and Megan Parlen and Amber Barretto did a good job with both the dramatic and the comedic moments of the episode. And, after a rough few episodes, Mark Famiglietti finally got to display some bad boy charm in the role of Hammer.

All in all, this wasn’t a bad episode.

Episode 4.10 “Texas Rose”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

*sigh*

This episode finds the team going to a basketball tournament in San Antonio, Texas so, of course, it opens up with stock footage of an oil derrick. From the minute I saw that cliché, I knew this would be a difficult episode for me. As a Texan, I’m very sensitive to all the silly stereotypes and clichés that television shows tend to fall back on whenever they try to tell a story about my part of the world.

The oil derricks were followed by a shot of the Alamo. That was good. The Alamo is a huge part of Texas culture. This was followed by the Tornadoes checking into their San Antonio hotel and, of course, everyone in the lobby is wearing a cowboy hat. I rolled my eyes so hard that I gave myself a headache. “Is it me or does everyone around here look like Garth Brooks?” Mary Beth says.

Oh c’mon, I muttered for neither the first nor the last time.

“I can’t wait to get on the court and kick some cowboy butt!” Michael declares.

So, I guess the point of this episode was to make sure no one in Texas ever watched another episode of Hang Time. I mean, we’ve got enough confidence down here to take a joke but that doesn’t mean we want to spend 30 minutes being made fun of by a bunch of people who think Indianapolis is a real city.

At the local restaurant, the boys go crazy watching some fat dude try to ride an electric bull while Kristy sees a handsome Latino and automatically assumes that he can’t speak English. She speaks to him in Spanish and, as we can see from the subtitles, her Spanish sucks. Still, Antonio (Jay Hernandez, of Crazy/Beautiful and Hostel fame) is so attracted to her that he doesn’t mention that he was born in America and he can speak English. Myself, I just find it interesting that Kristy and her friends assume that just because someone has brown skin in San Antonio, they must have been born in Mexico or Latin America and that they must not be able to speak English. I mean, did they not notice that the town itself is called San Antonio but it’s full of people who speak and understand both English and Spanish? Did they somehow never learn that Texas has a strong and politically active Latino community? Seriously, the whole world isn’t freaking Indiana.

(And they wonder why we dislike Yankee tourists down here….)

Meanwhile, Silk meets a girl named Rose and falls for her. However, Silk thinks that Rose is rich so he pretends to be rich in order to impress her. When Silk takes Rose to Coach K’s suite and tries to pretend that it’s actually his hotel room, it works until Coach K shows up. Oh well, Silk — that’s what you get!

The next day, as the team gets ready for their first game, Kristy is shocked to discover that Antonio is on the rival team and he can speak English! Kristy yells at him for not telling her that he could speak English. You know, Kristy, maybe you should have given him a chance to speak English before assuming that he couldn’t.

Things work out in the end. Silk discovers that Rose isn’t actually rich and then he commandeers the stage of the local country-western bar and sings her a country song. Wow, that’s stupid. The episode ends without any word as to whether or not The Tornadoes won their tournament. I really hope this doesn’t mean that I’m going to have sit through four more episodes about the Tornadoes in San Antonio.

*shudder*

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/2/23 — 4/8/23

Posted on April 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

Gregory is teacher of the year, even though he himself doesn’t understand why. This was an enjoyable episode and a nice relief from all of that heavy-handed charter school nonsense. (Just from the lack of in-depth interaction between Gregory and Janine, I got the feeling that this episode may have originally been meant to air earlier in the season.) The parent/teacher conference storyline was surprisingly poignant and Janine’s response to being called a bad teacher was perfectly handled.

Accused (Tuesday Night, Fox)

This week’s episode was actually pretty well-done and a definite improvement over the last few episodes. That said, I didn’t buy the ending. The jury may have sympathized with Jiro but he still basically admitted to committing the crime. Juries usually aren’t that compassionate. That said, we didn’t actually see the verdict being read so maybe Jiro got a hung jury as opposed to an actual acquittal. I could buy the idea of one or two members of the jury refusing to convict far more easily than the idea that the entire jury was like, “Let’s just do it and be legends!”

American Idol (Sunday and Monday Night, ABC)

It’s Hollywood week! At one point, Katy Perry announced that three people were going through, despite giving a subpar performance, because of their compassionate nature and their good attitudes. Like what does that have to do with singing? Where’s Simon Cowell when you need him?

I hope Nutsa wins it all.

The English (Prime)

This was an excellent western miniseries, starring Emily Blunt and Chaske Spencer. The story was intriguing, the performances were captivating, and the visuals had a wonderfully surreal grandeur to them. Watch this one if you haven’t already. (I will probably be writing and posting a longer review later this month.)

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, Fox)

Woo hoo! Demolition derby! “You’re actually watching this?” my sister Melissa asked me this week. Of course, I am! It’s an adorable show, even if it does tend to go a little heavy on the rural stereotypes. Still, Farmer Wants A Wife feels more much sincere and heartfelt than the just-completed season of The Bachelor.

5 Days At Memorial (Apple TV+)

What a devastating miniseries! I was left emotionally drained by the end of it. As good as Vera Farmiga was in the lead role, Andrew Pine was just as strong as one of the few doctors willing to criticize her actions.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I reviewed this week’s episode of Half Nelson here!

It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown (Apple TV+)

Erin and I watched this on Wednesday. Read her thoughts on it!

Jail (Tuesday Evening, Reelz)

A sex worker was arrested for public intoxication and refused to give her name to the arresting officer. She was tossed in a holding cell. Another prisoner threatened to kill himself so he was tossed in a padded cell. Personally, I would have just let them all go. The people who worked at the jail were all stocky and bald and tended to speak extremely slowly. The existence of this show is probably something that will be used against humanity in the future.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

On this week’s episode, a young woman died of an untreated infection which was the result of being branded. The branding was a requirement for being a member of the Lodestar Cult. (“Lone Star?” dumb ol’ Cosgrove said, as he misread the brand, “You mean Texas?” Get over it, New York.) Lodestar was obviously based on NXIVM. When the leader of the cult was killed in prison, Price initially wanted to go after his second-in-command, despite having offered her a deal earlier in return for her testimony. In the end, he honored the plea agreement.

The best thing about this episode is that Maroun spent the entire Order half of the show rolling her eyes at Price and basically telling him that he was screwing up the case. This is quite a chance from the way that Maroun was portrayed last season and for most of this season. I prefer the free-thinking Maroun to the one who just blindly went along with whatever Price wanted. I also prefer the vengeful, eye-for-an-eye Maroun to the mousy bleeding heart that she used to be.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

The New Wave Theatre (YouTube)

I watched an episode of this public access music show on Saturday morning. It was from the very early 80s and it featured four punk bands that I had previously never heard of. The music wasn’t really my taste but I did enjoy the episode as a time capsule.

Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)

Abbi went to a snobby club to try to convince the District Attorney to pursue judicial reform. It turns out that the D.A. was just trying to get Abbi to say something stupid so that he could use it against her. This episode would have been better if Abbi’s ideas for judicial reform had been something more than just shallow platitudes. As it is, Abbi is still way too naïve to be a believable judge (especially a New York City judge) and John Larroquette is practically the only member of the supporting cast who is the least bit interesting.

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

I watched two episodes on Friday night. The first was about 80s dance music. The second was about Talking Heads. The music was great!

Poker Face (Peacock)

I finished up the first season of Poker Face this week and seriously, I can’t believe that I was ever hesitant to watch this show. The guest stars are great, the plots are both amusing and poingant, and Natasha Lyonne is wonderful in the lead role. (I love that Charlie changes jobs from episode to episode but she always manages to be a consistently terrible employee.) I can’t wait for the second season!

Saved By The Bell: The New Class (YouTube)

It’s amazing to me that the original Saved By The Bell can be found basically everywhere but, unless you want to spend a lot of money on the DVD boxsets, it’s next to impossible to see an episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class! I grew up with The New Class! I mean sure, it’s awful but still….

On Thursday afternoon, my sister Megan and I did find an episode on YouTube. Ryan Parker (Richard Lee Jackson), the Zack Morris-substitute, wanted to make the wrestling team so that he could get a letter jacket for his girlfriend (Sarah Lancaster). Unfortunately, Ryan wasn’t a very good wrestler and his training methods proved to be dangerous to his health. He learned an important lesson about being happy with being who he was. In our discussion following the episode, Megan pointed out that Ryan never even bothered to ask his girlfriend whether she even wanted the jacket. I replied that it was probably just assumed that she wanted Ryan to make the team because, seriously, why would anyone want to date a loser?

This episode also featured Dustin Diamond, destroying his career by playing Screech Powers long beyond the character’s expiration date. Screech returned to Bayside to act as Mr. Belding’s assistant. Poor Mr. Belding!

Seinfeld (Monday Afternoon, TV Land)

Because his girlfriend had mono, George gave up having sex and suddenly became super intelligent. Elaine stopped having sex with her boyfriend (played by Bob Odenkirk) so that he would be able to concentrate on passing his medical exams. Unfortunately, this led to Elaine becoming dumb. Meanwhile, Jerry kept getting bumped from career day and eventually, David Letterman refused to take his calls. Jerry’s agent was the mother from That 70s Show. It made me laugh!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode of Survivor here!

Tiny Beautiful Things (Hulu)

I watched the first two episodes on Friday but I really couldn’t get into Hulu’s latest limited series. At this point, I’m kind of bored with shows about dysfunctional people who have addiction issues. The first two episodes of Tiny Beautiful Things just tried too hard and felt a bit too calculated to shock. Even the constant cursing felt like something that would have been daring in 2003 but, in 2023, it just seemed kind of lazy and repetitive. I’ll give it another shot during this upcoming week.

Unsolved Mysteries (Pluto TV)

I watched two episodes on Wednesday. Both of the episodes aired in the 80s so I assume the mysteries have been solved by now. And if they aren’t, they probably never will be.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

Oh my God, they ate Jackie! I’m not sure why that surprised me, as I knew the cannibalism was going to start up at some point and, being dead and frozen, Jackie did seem like the most likely meal. Meanwhile, in the present, Callie is going to end up getting her mother thrown in jail if she doesn’t watch the attitude. And I’m still worried about the safety of the new dog. Run, puppy, run!