Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.8 “Malibu Colony”

Posted on April 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

Last week, I took a look at the sixth episode of Half Nelson, which was called Nose Job and which featured Rocky (Joe Pesci) dealing with an obsessed plastic surgeon who was stalking a former girlfriend. That episode featured not only two villains (it turned out that the plastic surgeon wasn’t the only homicidal stalker in Hollywood) but is also ended with Victoria Jackson’s Annie O’Hara starting a romantic relationship with Gary Grubbs’s Detective Hamill.

Nose Job was followed by an episode called Chariots For Hire. It apparently aired on April 26th, 1985 and that’s really all I can tell you about the episode. Chariots For Hire is the only episode of Half Nelson that has not been uploaded to YouTube. I can’t even find a plot summary for it on the imdb. Chariots For Hire is apparently the lost episode of Half Nelson.

Fortunately, the eighth episode of Half Nelson is on YouTube. So, let’s pick up the adventures of Rocky Nelson in Malibu Colony!

Episode 1.8 “Malibu Colony”

(Dir by James Sheldon, originally aired on May 3rd, 1985)

Rocky, Annie, Beau (Dick Butkus), and Kurt (Bubba Smith) have been assigned to guard what Rocky claims is “one of the most valuable art collections in the world.” Fortunately, this job means that they get to spend a few days hanging out in a fabulous beach house in Malibu! Standing out on the deck of the beach house, Annie looks out at the ocean and says that she can hardly believe that China is on the other side of it.

“I wonder how the egg rolls stay fresh crossing over from that far,” Kurt says.

Before anyone can ponder that question for too long, a half-naked woman runs screaming down the beach while being pursued by two thugs in suits. Rocky saves the woman from the thugs and sends her into the beach house so that she can borrow some clothes from Annie. Once dressed, the woman explains that she’s Nancy Norton (Shari Shattuck) and that she was fleeing from a nearby yacht club. She claims that the owner of the club has some naked pictures of her and she needs to get them back. Rocky, deciding that the art can protect itself, helps Nancy sneak back into the club so that she can retrieve her photographs. However, when she sees the club’s president, Crane (John Beck), she suddenly holds up a gun and shoots at him. Rocky is able to push Crane out of the way of the bullets and then he chases after Nancy.

Fortunately, both Rocky and Nancy make it out of the club without anyone realizing that they’re together. Despite the fact that she nearly made him an accessory to murder, Rocky still wants to help Nancy. Nancy explains that there are no pictures and she wasn’t trying to kill Crane. (“I just wanted to scare him.”) Nancy’s father lost a lot of money while playing poker with Crane and now Crane is threatening to kill him if he doesn’t pay. But Nancy is convinced that the poker game was rigged. The reason she was in club earlier was to take a look at Crane’s cards.

(For some reason, she thought it would be smart to do that while wearing a bikini, the top of which was somehow lost while she was fleeing Crane’s guards. That explains that partial nudity, which I am sure was definitely viewed as being important to the plot and not just as an attempt to boost the show’s ratings.)

Having saved Crane’s life, Rocky is able to get Annie, Kurt, and Beau jobs at the club. Annie models clothes. Kurt and Beau work as waiters. Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), shows up at the club with Dean Martin and is shocked to see all of his employees working there. Dean demands that Chester give them all raises so that they can quit their second jobs.

Eventually, Rocky finds his proof that Crane is a criminal and, with Chester’s help, he takes Crane down. After being stuck in the office for the past few episodes, Chester actually gets to do something in this episode. It’s always nice to see Fred Williamson in action and making it even better is that he smokes a big cigar while he’s taking down the bad guys. Finally, after eight episodes, Half Nelson reminded everyone of why Fred Williamson was so cool to begin with.

This episode definitely earns some points for allowing the entire supporting cast — from Fred Williamson to Victoria Jackson to Dean Martin — to play a role in solving the case of the week. One of Half Nelson‘s biggest flaws was that the appealingly quirky supporting characters often felt underused and Malibu Colony finally gives them a chance to show what they could have done as an ensemble. The mix of Pesci’s wise guy nerve, Jackson’s spaciness, Williamson’s effortless coolness, and Butkus and Smith’s comedic relief is actually pretty entertaining. Unfortunately, as good as the heroes are, Crane is pretty boring villain and the case of the week isn’t particularly interesting. In particular, Nancy’s actions never really make that much sense.

Oh well. This was a flawed episode but it still offered up a hint of what Half Nelson could have been. Next week, I will be reviewing this show’s final episode. Until then, L.A. — you belong to me!

Retro Television Review: City Guys 4.18 “Who Da Man” and 4.19 “Get To Preppin”

Posted on April 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the kids have another subway adventure and it’s time for midterms!

Episode 4.18 “Who Da Man”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 18th, 2000)

This is a weird episode.

I guess because the producers didn’t want to waste their subway set, Al, Dawn, and Cassidy had yet another adventure on a train. This time, the three of them were approached by two muggers who demanded Al’s jacket. Despite all of his brave talk, Al meekly surrendered his jacket. Fortunately, Dawn remembered her self-defense training and somehow managed to flip the main mugger to the ground. Dawn saved Al’s life but, in his eyes, she also robbed him of his dignity. Of course, those of us who have been watching this show from the beginning know that Al never had any dignity to begin with.

After Cassidy tells the editor of the school newspaper about what happened, everyone at the school knows that Al needed Dawn to save his jacket. Al demands that Dawn start acting more “like a girl.” Dawn reacts by acting so girly that Al has a mental breakdown and says he wishes that thing could go back to the way they were, with Dawn dressing like a Portland antique store owner and Al presumably getting mugged every time he rode the subway.

Meanwhile, Ms. Noble asks L-Train, Jamal, and Chris to hold a ladder steady while she attempts to hang a picture of her husband in her classroom. Unfortunately, because she stupidly asked the three most easily distracted people in the school for help, she falls off the ladder. The next time we see Ms. Noble, she’s in a wheelchair and L-Train is pushing her around New York. (How this became L-Train’s job is never really explained.) L-Train, however, suspects that Ms. Noble can really walk and, as such, he keeps trying to put her into situations designed to get her out of the chair. He even rolls her up to the roof of the school so that she can watch a limbo contest. To L-Train’s shock, she doesn’t take part in the contest. L-Train leaves the roof to try to figure out how his life has come to center around pushing around Ms. Noble. When he returns to the roof, he is shocked to discover that Ms. Noble can walk and is doing the limbo, albeit by herself. Ms. Noble taunts L-Train with the fact that she can walk but, when Chris and Jamal step out on the roof, she sits back down.

Seriously, what the heck? I mean, let’s ignore the fact that Dawn is suddenly a kick ass martial artist. What’s going on with Ms. Noble!? This episode actually proves my theory that Ms. Noble is essentially a cult leader who enjoys manipulating her followers. After three years of her offering encouragement to L-Train, this episode finds her not only manipulating him but also going out of her way to make him look like a liar. What a terrible principal! That said, Ms. Noble’s action were just weird enough to make this episode entertaining.

Let’s move on!

Episode 4.19 “Get to Preppin'”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 25th, 2000)

It’s mid-term time again!

When Chris gets a less than impressive grade on his first test, his father sends him back to prep school. When Chris realizes that he doesn’t have to work hard in his classes because of his father’s influence, he gets upset because it makes him feel like a spoiled brat and apparently, that’s a bad thing. Chris demands to go back to Manny High, where he’s actually held responsible for actions.

Ha! Like that would happen.

Seriously, if I was told that I didn’t have to work at anything when I was 17, crying about it is the last thing I would ever do.

Anyway, Chris’s father returns him to Manny High because, if he didn’t, the name of the show would be changed to City Guy and Jamal would have to host the radio show alone. As always, the important thing is maintaining the status quo.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”

Posted on April 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Let’s set sail for adventure!

Episode 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)

The Love Boat crew is super excited because the glamorous movie star, Mona Maxwell (Rhonda Flemming), is going to be on the cruise. Apparently, this is not her first time to sail on the Love Boat. Captain Stubing can’t wait to get reacquainted with her. The walking HR nightmare that is Doc Bricker can’t wait to flirt with her. Artie D’Angelo (Orson Bean), a passenger who owns a chain of garages, is shocked to see that his favorite movie star in on the boat.

Artie may be a big fan of Mona’s but, whenever he tries to talk to her, he finds that he simply cannot find the words. With Doc’s help, Artie finally works up the courage to ask Mona to have dinner with him. Mona accepts and the two of them soon find themselves falling in love. The only problem is that Artie just cannot bring himself to believe that a big movie star like Mona would be interested in a guy like him. Really, Artie is being way too hard on himself. He’s a likable guy! And, fear not, he and Mona leave ship arm-in-arm.

Meanwhile, two frat dudes — Alex (Adam Arkin) and Wally (Richard Gilliand) — have made a bet over who will be the first to sweep Julie off of her feet. When they start the betting, it’s for money but eventually, they decide to just bet a pizza. Julie spends time with both of them and has fun, especially with Alex. But then a jealous Wally reveals the truth about the bet and Julie announces that she doesn’t want anything else to do with either of them. Gopher tells Julie that she should actually be flattered that the two guys were both so determined to date her. Apparently deciding that she’s not really bothered by the fact that both of her suitors just spent an entire weekend lying to her, Julie forgives them and then says that she’s going to spend an equal amount of time with both Alex and Wally so neither one of them will win or lose the bet.

Finally, Doug Warren (Edward Albert) is on the cruise with his parents, who are celebrating their anniversary. Coincidentally, Doug’s co-worker, Beth (Patty McCormack), is also on the cruise! Doug and Beth quickly fall in love but then Beth is freaked out when she sees two little people in the ship’s lounge. She explains to Doug that little people make her nervous. She always worries about what would happen if her child turned out to be a little people. What she doesn’t know is that the little people — Ralph (Billy Barty) and Dottie (Patty Maloney, who also guest-starred on the famous disco-themed episode of The Brady Bunch Hour) — are Doug’s parents!

Without telling Beth why, Doug says that he can no longer see her. A heart-broken Beth goes to the Acapulco Lounge where she gets into a conversation with Ralph and Dottie. She discovers that Ralph and Dottie are just like everyone else and she also finds out that Doug is their very tall son. She tells Doug that she’s no longer worried about their potential children being little people and …. you know, this plot line is just ridiculous. Beth is prejudiced against people based on their height and she’s basically told Doug that she would freak out if her child was anything other than “normal.” And yet, Doug and his parents act all excited when Beth announces that she still loves Doug, regardless of who his parents are. Doug, sweetie — you can do better!

I definitely had mixed feelings about this episode. Orson Bean and Rhonda Fleming were both perfectly charming in their storyline but the other two stories were both pretty icky. I spent the entire episode waiting for Julie to tell off Alex and Wally and for Doug to tell off Beth and, in both cases, it didn’t happen. This was definitely not one of the better cruises of the Pacific Princess.

Hopefully, next week’s destination will be a bit nicer.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

Posted on April 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we’ve got a weird one!

Episode 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

What a weird episode! This week, we have two fantasies, neither one of which belongs with the other.

The first fantasy is this silly thing where two best friends win a shopping spree. In order to win a bigger prize, Sally Glover (Diana Canova) and Esther Bolling (Lola Falana) have to spend several thousand dollars in Fantasy Island’s shopping district.

(It’s always strange to me how some episodes present Fantasy Island as being a resort while others present it as being a thriving little nation with its own economy, culture, cities, and villages. If you’re a citizen of Fantasy Island who doesn’t work for Mr. Roarke, do you still call the place Fantasy Island or does it have a real name? Do you tell people, “I was born on Fantasy Island but then I came to mainland when I was 11 to study the culinary arts?” My hope is that the natives of Fantasy Island are called Fantasians.)

Sally and Esther are excited to spend their money but then Mr. Roarke adds a twist. They will be competing against each other. The first one to spend all of her money gets a prize. The other one gets nothing. If they both fail to spend all of their money, they both lose. So, of course, Sally and Esther go crazy competing against each other. In the end, though, they both realize that they would rather be friends than for one of them to be a loser.

That’s a nice message but I’m really not sure what their fantasy was to begin with. It seems like Mr. Roarke invited two lifelong friends to the Island and then decided to play games with them for his own amusement. In this episode, we get a return of the vaguely sinister Mr. Roarke who appeared in some of the early first season episodes.

Speaking of sinister, the other fantasy involves Stuart Whitman in the role of Charles Wesley, the world’s most famous big game hunter. (I assume he inherited the title after Darren McGavin died last season.) Whitman’s fantasy is to take part in a great adventure. So, Mr. Roarke hands Wesley a camera and tells him to “shoot a picture” of dictator General Lin Shun (James Shigeta). General Lin Shun rules the national of Chung Tu with an iron fist but he apparently spends all of his time at his compound of Fantasy Island.

Wesley gets the picture but also gets captured by Lin Shun’s men. Lin Shun explains that he will now hunt Wesley through the jungles of Fantasy Island. It’s like a game. In fact, you might call it The World’s Most Dangerous Game! Wesley learns what it’s like to be hunted. Fortunately, at the last minute, Col. Chen (Khigh Dhiegh), the general’s aide, turns against Lin Shun and arrests him. Interestingly enough, it appears that Mr. Roarke is the one who told the colonel to arrest Lin Shun and take over the nation of Chung Tu. Charles Wesley tosses away his rifle and swears that he’ll never hunt again but I’m more interested in the fact that Mr. Roarke has apparently taken over another country.

Like I said, this was a weird episode. The shopping spree stuff didn’t really seem to fit in with Stuart Whitman desperately running through the jungle. This episode also found Mr. Roarke in an uncommonly manipulative and foul mood. This episode left me wondering just what exactly is going on behind the scenes of the resort.

Maybe we’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 4.13 “Nothing In Common” and 4.14 “And Then There Were Nuns”

Posted on April 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hang Time! This week, we learn about geography.

Episode 4.13 “Nothing in Common”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

We’re back in Indiana! I guess the San Antonio trip is over. Yay.

Michael, Silk, and Rico panic when they see Coach K. walking around their favorite after-school hangout, The Stadium. It turns out that Coach K. wants to buy the place and make it more friendly to older customers. Michael, Silk, and Rico totally freak out and I don’t blame them. No one wants to see their teachers outside of school. Anyway, they come up with the brilliant idea of having Rico’s uncle pretend to be a health inspector so that he can scare off Coach K. It doesn’t work because Rico’s uncle asks how Rico is doing on the team but Coach K. still decides not to buy the Stadium because this is a silly show where plot developments are brought and abandoned at random.

Meanwhile, Mary Beth is upset when Hammer resists her attempts to change him. Mary Beth wants to go to an art exhibit. Hammer wants to go to a boxing match. (Personally, I’m probably an even bigger culture snob than Mary Beth and I would be happy to go to either of those. I love museums but a boxing match is a good excuse to wear something nice and show off your cleavage.) Mary Beth wants Hammer to go sailing. Hammer wants to spend his time at a biker rally. Realizing that she’s trying too hard to change Hammer, Mary Beth dresses up in leather and hangs out at a biker bar. She teaches the bikers all about the proper utensils to use at a formal dinner. It was actually pretty cute and, in the end, Hammer and Mary Beth agreed that they didn’t have to like the same things as long as they liked each other. Awwwwwww!

I liked this episode. Season 4 may not be as strong as the previous three seasons but the Hammer/Mary Beth relationship works surprisingly well. As far as I’m concerned, any episode that features more of Mary Beth and Kristy being wacky and less of Julie getting annoyed is a good one.

Episode 4.14 “And Then There Were Nuns”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

Oh hey, we’re back in San Antonio. Continuity be damned!

With only a few days left in Texas, Kristy suspects that she’s in love with Antonio. She tells Mary Beth and Julie that she can imagine a future with Antonio. Awwwwww! Antonio invites Kristy to a wedding …. in Mexico! Kristy agrees. Before leaving, she leaves a note for Julie and Mary Beth. Unfortunately, it’s a poorly-written note and Julie and Mary Beth are convinced that Kristy’s run off to Mexico to get married!

Because everyone on this show is stupid, they don’t tell Coach K or any other adults about what is happening. Instead, everyone except for Julie and Michael head down to Mexico and try to stop the wedding. I guess it’s lucky that they all happened to have their passports with them. (Either that or they crossed into Mexico illegally.) Of course, since they won the big Tri-state tournament. they have to get back to San Antonio by 4 p.m. so that they can get ready to do a media appearance. Michael and Julie are convinced that their friends can go to Mexico and come back while the Coach is taking an hour-long nap. Apparently, the show’s writers were under the impression that San Antonio is right on the border. It’s not. San Antonio is 155 miles away from the border and it appears that the wedding is taking place in a fairly small and remote village. In short, this trip is going to take a lot longer than an hour.

Admittedly, King of the Hill used to do the same thing. Hank Hill was literally an hour away from every location in Texas. But, in that case, it was obviously meant to be intentional and it was a fun in-joke for Texans. (It helped that Mike Judge was one of us.) But, in this case, it just feels incredibly dumb on the part of the Hang Time writers.

Anyway, Silk, Rico, Hammer, and Mary Beth arrive at the wedding but a nun tells them that this is a private ceremony. So, of course, they all dress up like nuns and sneak into the ceremony and….

….

Sorry, silently screaming.

The important thing is that it all works out in the end. Coach K. finds out where the team has gone so he, Michael, and Julie show up for the wedding. Meanwhile, Antonio promises Kristy that, someday, he will find her in Indiana. Awwwww! I’m going to guess that the media appearances were handled by the team’s non-starters, who probably talked about how much fun it was to spend every game sitting on the bench while Michael, Julie, Rico, Silk, and Hammer got all the glory.

What a stupid episode.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 4/16/23 — 4/22/23

Posted on April 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Barry’s back!

Barry (Sunday Night, HBO)

Barry returned last Sunday with the first two episodes of season 4.

The first episode updated the viewers on what happened after Barry was arrested. Barry went to jail, where he was reunited with Fuches. Fuches briefly became an FBI informant until Barry told him that he loved him, which led to Fuches not only stepping away from the FBI but also declaring that he was going to start his own prison gang. Sally went back to Joplin and promptly got into a fight with her mother over the television show and its portrayal of Sally’s abusive ex. Gene plotted to control how the story of his relationship with Barry would appear in the media. Cristobal and NoHo Hank plotted to start a semi-legitimate business, selling sand to construction sites. Directed, as all of this season will be, by Bill Hader, the first episode was full of surreal touches and it left me feeling rather unsettled. Sitting in prison and only showing emotion when Sally briefly came by to visit and demand to know whether he had killed their dog, Barry appeared to have finally snapped. He went as far as to taunt a guard into nearly beating him to death. The show had its funny moments but, make no doubt, the first episode was all about tapping into Barry’s heart of darkness.

The second episode had a bit more of the show’s trademark bizarre humor. Cristobal and NoHo Hank attempted to convince two rival crime families to join them in their sand enterprise. In order to convince them, they arranged for a meeting at the happiest place on Earth …. Dave and Buster’s! The meeting went well, up until NoHo Hank announced that freeing Barry from prison would be a part of the plan. An upset Cristobal told NoHo Hank that his loyalty to Barry made him appear to be “soft.” However, Fuches then called NoHo Hank for prison and told him that Barry had decided to become an FBI informant. A stunned NoHo Hank announced that Barry would have to die.

While that was going on, Gene finally gave an interview about his experiences with Barry but, being Gene, he couldn’t just sit down and answer questions. Instead, he put together a one man show, one that actually turned out to be pretty good, even if Gene’s version of events was a bit self-serving. Meanwhile, Sally has returned to Los Angeles and is trying to put the pieces of her life and her career back together. Unfortunately, her career still hasn’t recovered from last season’s viral video scandal and, to top it all off, she is now known for being the girlfriend of a serial killer.

As for Barry …. well, Monroe wasn’t lying. At the end of the second episode, it appeared that Barry has decided to work with the FBI!

What a wonderful way to start the fourth season! This is the final season of Barry and I can’t wait to see how the story wraps up. I have a feeling that there won’t be many happy endings.

Beavis and Butthead (Paramount Plus)

Barry’s not the only one to have returned this week. These two morons, Beavis and Butthead, have returned as well. This week, Beavis and Butthead ruined meditation for everyone and then they went hunting with Mr. Anderson and nearly got killed. Of all the supporting characters on this show, Mr. Anderson is probably my favorite because he’s basically just a really old version of Hank Hill. His World War II flashback was wonderfully odd.

Beef (Netflix)

Unfortunately, it’s been a long week so I’ve only had time to watch the first four episodes of this miniseries. Ali Wong and Steven Yeun are both giving outstanding performances in this series about a road rage incident that spirals out of control. I’m looking forward to finishing it up during this upcoming week.

Dynaman (Night Flight Plus)

I watched an episode of this Japanese series on Saturday morning. A bunch of fish monsters were trying to take over the world. Dynaman stopped them. Sometimes, a picture is worth a thousand words so here’s a screenshot:

Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, Fox)

The farmers are still not married.

Half Nelson (YouTube)

I reviewed Half Nelson here!

Hang Time (YouTube)

I have watched and written up reviews for several hours of Hang Time this week. In fact, I’m nearly done with the show. (My reviews of the show will be running through September.) Read this week’s review here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I recapped this week’s episode for the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Tulsa King (Paramount Plus)

I finally got around to watching the second episode of Tulsa King this week and I’m afraid the show still isn’t working for me. I think it’s because Stallone’s character is a bit too aggressive. Stallone is at his best when he’s playing either a dumb but likable mook (i.e., Rocky) or when he’s fighting for his survival, like in First Blood. But when he’s the one who is actually barking out orders and intimidating innocent people, it’s just not as much fun. Plus, there’s only so many times that any show can go to the “Old people sure are confused by technology” well before the joke starts to run dry. That said, I’ve been told the show get better so I’ll stick with it and see what I think of the third episode.

Waco: The Aftermath (Sunday Night, Showtime)

This miniseries picks up where Showtime’s last Waco miniseries left off. The Branch Davidian compound has been burned down. David Koresh is dead. The main FBI negotiator (Michael Shannon) feels guilty about what happened at the compound but he also fears that the stand-off is going to embolden the militia movement. (And he’s right!) Meanwhile, the surviving Davidians are being railroaded in court and treated as scapegoats for the failures of both Koresh and the government. Things got off to a strong start on Sunday. I look forward to seeing where this show ends up going.

Yellowjackets (Sunday Night, Showtime)

This week’s episode was intriguing. I loved the scene where Shauna confessed to Callie. I’m still worried about Walter and Misty though. I can just see Walter getting on Misty’s nerves and getting poisoned as a result. I’ll also say that, as much as I enjoy this show, I’m starting to get a bit tired of the whole Taissa thing. The show need to either explain what’s going on with all that or just move on.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.4 “Mop n’ Pop” and 5.5 “Diss Honored”

Posted on April 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jake’s Dad gets a job and Sam wins an election!

Episode 5.4 “Mop n’ Pop”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 28th, 1996)

With graduation approaching and everyone feeling restless, the senior class of PCHS have all gotten caught up in the newest game, Ba-Boominator! Basically, it’s a game of elimination, where everyone carries a phallic-looking Ba-Boom gun and they shoot silly string at one another. The goal is to be the last one untouched by the milky, white string that spurts out of the end of the gun.

Needless to say, it’s a rather messy game. Fortunately, the school has a new janitor who is very understanding and doesn’t have any problem cleaning up after the students. Unfortunately, that janitor also happens to be Jake’s Dad. Jake’s Dad was an airplane mechanic but, after getting laid off from his job, he had to take whatever he could find and he ended up as a janitor. Jake is not particularly happy about it.

His friends are supportive about it, except for Sly who makes one too many janitor jokes and ends up getting punched in the face by Jake. Sly ends up with a black eyes and Jack’s Dad ends up quitting his job because he realizes how much it embarrasses Jake. At first, Jake is happy but after Sly yells at Jake and tells him that he should be happy just to have a father who cares about him (which is something Sly does not have), Jake realizes that he’s been a jerk.

This episode was a bit of a change-of-pace, if just because it featured Jake learning a lesson as opposed to teaching one. It was also another strong fifth season episode, highlighting just how much the cast had grown as actors over the course of the show.

Finally, the Ba-Boominator competition is won by Sam and Tony, who both decide that their love is more important than winning any game. Awwwwww!

Episode 5.5 “Diss Honored”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 5th, 1996)

Samantha has been elected President of the Honors Society! Everyone’s totally excited, even though Sly says that it’s a stupid office that nobody really cares about. In this case, I tend to agree with Sly but, apparently, it really is a big deal in the world of California Dreams. Suddenly, Sam has a lot of extra responsibilities and she can’t spend as much time with Tony. Tony fears that he’s going to lose her! To be honest, if their relationship can’t survive Sam holding a ceremonial post for a few months, maybe there are bigger issues at play.

Tony decides that he has to do get into the Honors Society so he cheats on his midterm. Unfortunately, Sam’s rival and the former president of the Society, Harvey, figures out what Tony did and publicly challenges him to some sort of weird Honors Society duel. At first, Tony lies but then he comes clean and all of his friends act like a bunch of jerks and shun him.

(Because, seriously, no one in the entire history of the world has ever cheated on a high school midterm, right?)

The main highlight of this episode was Tony being haunted by two spirits, an evil spirit that looked like Sly and a good spirit that looked like Tiff. It was a bit silly but William James Jones, Michael Cade, and Kelly Packard really threw themselves into their roles. In particular, this episode probably features Jones’s best work on California Dreams.

And feat not! Tony comes clean to Sam and everything works out in the end.

Next week: Jake appears on a reality show and we finally meet Sly’s father!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson 1.6 “Nose Job”

Posted on April 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Rocky gets involved with a case that’s all about obsession!

Episode 1.6 “Nose Job”

(Directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman, originally aired on April 19th, 1985)

Way back in March, when I watched the pilot for Half Nelson, one thing that I immediately noticed was the chemistry between Joe Pesci and Victoria Jackson. In the pilot, it was pretty clear that Annie O’Hara (played by Jackson) had a crush on Rocky (played, of course, by Pesci) and it was actually kind of cute. The streetwise Rocky and the spacey Annie seemed like they could be an interesting couple and I was actually looking forward to seeing how that storyline developed.

Unfortunately, it didn’t develop. In the episodes immediately following the pilot, both Annie and Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), were sidelined so that the show could focus on Rocky interacting with Beau (Dick Butkus) and Kurt (Bubba Smith). Annie was relegated to staying at the office and answering the phone while Rocky flirted with each week’s guest star. That was definitely a missed opportunity. While Smith and Butkus both provided adequate comedy relief, it’s still hard not to feel that the show often focused so much on them that performers like Dean Martin, Fred Williamson, and Victoria Jackson were pushed to the side.

In this week’s episode, Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) asks Annie to go on a date with him and Rocky encourages her to accept, so I guess the potential Rocky/Annie romance is officially dead. At first, Annie doesn’t want to date Hamill because she thinks he’s “a jerk.” (Gary Grubbs, who is one of those actors that most people will immediately recognize even if they don’t know his name, has such an amiable presence that it’s hard to understand where Annie got that idea from.) However, in return for Hamill helping him out with this week’s case, Rocky convinces Annie to give Hamill a shot. Annie and Hamill are a couple by the end of the episode. Yay! Who doesn’t love a romantic ending?

As for this episode itself, it opens with Rocky, Beau, and Kurt providing security on the set of a film. The film appears to be about a revolution in Latin America. April Gray (Mary-Margaret Humes) is playing the lead role, a revolutionary who wears a red beret. (Seriously, it looks like a great film.) When April is nearly run over by an out-of-control truck, Rocky becomes convinced that someone is stalking her. When he discovers that the truck’s accelerator was rigged with surgical string, he decides that a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jonathan Gaines (Jon Cypher), is trying to kill her.

However, before he can accuse Dr. Gaines, he has to find out if April has actually had plastic surgery. As opposed to just asking her, Rocky takes her out on a date. (Beau and Kurt come along as well, so that they can check out the other actresses in the cast and see if any of them had plastic surgery as well.) The only way that Rocky can convince her to go out with him is to take her to an exclusive club. But how can Rocky get reservations!? Fear not, it’s Dean Martin to the rescue! It turns out that Dean is co-owner of the club so he puts down his martini glass for a few minutes and makes a phone call. It’s kind of nice that Dean actually got to be involved in the case this week. Dean’s appearances on this show never last for more than a minute or two and it’s obvious that he wasn’t in the best shape when he filmed them but still, it’s fun to watch him and Pesci act opposite of each other. Pesci always seem to be in awe of Dean.

Before the date, Rocky has to teach Beau and Kurt how to discreetly look for surgery scars. This leads to him showing them how to peak behind someone ears while dancing with them. With the help of Annie, he shows how pretending to lose a contact lens can provide a chance to get on the floor check out someone’s legs for scars. (Unfortunately, the scene is rather awkwardly blocked and framed and, in a few shots, it appears as if Rocky is basically looking straight up Annie’s skirt.) Beau and Kurt are impressed. Chester is less impressed, especially when he catches Rocky crawling around Annie’s legs. Chester yells at Rocky and then goes in his office. And that concludes Fred Williamson’s role in this episode.

During the date, Rocky spots the surgical scars behind April’s ears, indicating that she’s had plastic surgery. It turns out that April not only got a nose job from Dr. Gaines but she also briefly dated him. Rocky realizes that Gaines is now trying to kill her but, as always, everyone tells Rocky that he doesn’t have enough evidence to prove anything. Let’s see. Gaines was on the set when the truck went out of control. The truck’s accelerator was tied down with surgical string. Gaines was the only person on the set with a job that would give him easy access to surgical string. It’s hard not to feel that everyone’s being too quick to dismiss Rocky’s suspicions here.

In fact, Dr. Gaines is so obviously guilty that it’s also pretty obvious that there has to be someone else involved as well. About halfway through the episode, we learn that the film’s director (played by Timothy Bottoms) also used to date April! In fact, he’s the one who paid for her nose job!

Half Nelson really has not turned out to be the lost classic that I was hoping it would be. The pilot was strong but the episodes after that have struggled to really establish a consistent identity for the show. Watching this show, one gets the feeling that the show’s producers couldn’t decide if they wanted to do a comedy or a drama. As I already mentioned, the focus on the antics of Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith pretty much left the rest of the talented cast with little to do. It’s easy to see why Half Nelson did not last longer than two months.

That said, this was actually a pretty good episode. Yes, there were plenty of detective show clichés but both Jon Cypher and Timothy Bottoms were convincing as the show’s two villains and Joe Pesci’s New York persona provided a nice contrast to the sleek phoniness of Hollywood and Beverly Hills. There was even an exciting car chase, which was entertaining even if it was ultimately a bit superfluous to the plot. Plus, the episode featured Rocky throwing a bomb more seconds before it exploded. This is what the explosion looked like:

Seriously, did Rocky just nuke L.A.!?

This was an entertainingly melodramatic episode. You could see hints of the show that Half Nelson could have been if only it could have maintained a consistent tone.

Next week, Rocky meets Marjoe Gortner!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.16 “Jamal X” and 4.17 “Subway Confessions”

Posted on April 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Let’s check in with the neat guys.

Episode 4.16 “Jamal X”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, Originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

In this episode, we learn that Jamal has an uncle who is a fairly prominent academic and activist. This seems like something that would have come up in the past but this is the first time that he’s ever been seen or even mentioned on City Guys. When Ms. Noble invites him to give a guest lecture at Manny High, he stops by the diner to visit with his favorite nephew and to meet Jamal’s “best friend, Chris.” After initially assuming that L-Train is Chris, Jamal’s uncle is shocked to discover that Jamal’s best friend is a rich white kid.

After listening to his uncle speak on systemic racism and realizing how little his three white friends understand about what it’s like to have to deal with racism on an everyday basis, Jamal goes militant. He wears his hair in an afro. He refers to Ms. Noble as being “my Nubian queen.” And he tries to start a school club only for black students. After Ms. Noble tells him that she won’t allow a blacks-only club at the school, Jamal instead holds his meeting at the New York Diner. When Chris attempts to attend the meeting, Chris explains that he’s only there because he wants to understand what the black students are having to deal with. Despite this, Chris is kicked out by the other club members. A guilt-stricken Jamal realizes that he’s been going about things the wrong way. He apologizes to Chris and they become friends again.

This seems to be the episode of City Guys that everyone remembers from when it first aired and it’s not badly done. Wesley Jonathan, in particular, gives a good performance as Jamal. Though the episode ends with Jamal reaffirming his friendship with Chris, it also doesn’t deny the everyday realities of racism. (An early scene in the episode features a cop spotting L-Train’s new watch and baselessly accusing him of having stolen it.) If nothing else, this episode is a bit more honest about prejudice than Saved By The Bell’s infamous Running Zack episode. That said, I get the feeling that, if this episode aired today, it would be criticized for taking an All Lives Matter approach to the issue. In the end, this episode is most noteworthy as a reminder that the issues of today are many of the same issues of the 90s and all the decades before.

Episode 4.17 “Subway Confessions”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, Originally aired on November 18th, 2000)

Chris, Jamal, Al, L-Train, Cassidy, and Dawn are preparing to enter the school when they hear that Funkyfest tickets are going on sale. Convinced that they’ll be able to get the tickets and get back to school in time for Ms. Noble’s class, they leave school grounds and head for the subway. When they return 3 hours later, Ms. Noble is so angry that she sentences them to three weeks of detention. Ms. Noble also confiscates the Funkyfest tickets, which is another way of saying that Ms. Noble steals them. Seriously, just because the tickets were bought while skipping school, that doesn’t change the fact that those tickets were not Noble’s to take.

Everyone has a different story about what happened on the train to make them late. Dawn and Cassidy claim that they were giving a homeless woman a makeover. L-Train and Al claim that they were fighting Russian spies. Chris and Jamal claim that a woman in clown makeup went into labor and they had to deliver the baby. Ms. Noble doesn’t believe a word of it, even after the homeless woman shows up, introduces herself as an undercover cop, and reveals that a clown really did go into labor. (That said, she also reveals that Chis and Jamal did not deliver the baby.) Everyone still has detention for skipping school because Ms. Noble is a harsh taskmaster.

This was a funny episode, though it’s hard not to notice that it’s also an episode that’s totally dependent on every character being an idiot. Still, I’m not ashamed to admit that Al and L-Train fighting the spies made me laugh. I’ve learned not to expect too much from City Guys and, with that in mind, this episode delivered.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.10 “Man of the Cloth / Her Own Two Feet / Tony’s Family”

Posted on April 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time to give thanks as the Love Boat sets sail for another holiday adventure!

Episode 2.10 “Man of the Cloth / Her Own Two Feet / Tony’s Family”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 17th, 1978)

It’s time for the big Thanksgiving cruise and love is in the air!

Unfortunately, the ship’s chief engineer calls in sick the day of the cruise. The ship can’t sail without a chief engineer! Rather than cancel the cruise, Captain Stubing decides that assistant engineer Tony Santini (Larry Storch) will just have to give up his Thanksgiving and work on the cruise. Needless to say, Tony is not happy about this. As he explains to Gopher and Julie, his entire family is in town and he was planning on spending his holiday with them. Julie comes up with a brilliant idea! Maybe Tony’s family could secretly take the cruise with Tony. They can just sneak on board and remember to stay away from the captain. Tony agrees. Of course, it then turns out that Tony has a gigantic family. Along with his wife and his children, he is also accompanied by his parents, neither of whom speak English. His parents bring a chicken with them.

The crew goes out of their way to keep the Captain from discovering the stowaways but, eventually, the chicken gets loose and Stubing figures out what is going on. The entire crew — including the Captain — volunteers to pay for the family’s tickets but Tony announces that he doesn’t take charity. He’ll figure out a way to pay the bill.

While that’s going on, Rev. Gerald Whitney (Peter Graves) is excited to find love on the cruise. The only problem is that the woman who he’s fallen in love with (Roz Kelley) is also a stripper! Rev. Whitney doesn’t care but unfortunately, Barbara Sharp (Vivian Blane) does. Barbara just happens to be a member of Whitney’s church and she is shocked to see the reverend and the stripper together on the cruise. Barbara gets so judgmental that her husband, Phil (Alan Young), threatens to divorce her. Barbara and Phil finally have a heart-to-heart talk in the casino. Barbara agrees to stop being so judgmental. Phil agrees to stop gambling as soon as he puts his last silver dollar in the ship’s slot machine. That silver dollar was given to him by one Tony’s kids and when the slot machine pays off, Phil and Barbara give all of the money to Tony’s family. Yay! Now Tony can pay for the cruise.

(I guess the lesson here is that, if you’re going to be a stowaway, make sure the ship has a casino.)

Finally, Bert (Van Johnson) and his wife, Audrey (June Allyson), are having to adjust to life now that Audrey has gone blind. Fortunately, Doc Bricker takes a break from hitting on every woman on the boat and gives them some words of encouragement. Soon, Bert is no longer lying about Audrey’s condition and Audrey is using her cane and learning how to read braille.

This episode felt a bit weird. Obviously, the most interesting story was the reverend falling in love with a stripper but the show itself devoted more energy to Tony and his family and Phil gambling. To be honest, with the amount of time that Phil spent in the casino, he came across like he might have a problem. Hopefully, he went straight from the cruise to Gamblers Anonymous. The guest stars themselves just seemed to be going through the motions and the end result was a fairly forgettable Thanksgiving.