Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.7 “A Rosenbloom By Any Other Name”

Posted on November 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Advance warning: This episode is pretty dumb.

Episode 1.7 “A Rosenbloom By Any Other Name”

(Dir by Ari Dikijian, originally aired on November 13th, 1985)

Oh God, this episode.

Seriously, I’m just going to start things out by admitting upfront that this episode was a bit too frantic for me. Obviously, a lot of great comedy has come out of misunderstandings but in the case of this episode, most of the misunderstandings were just too stupid to be amusing.

So, basically, cashier Jennifer Woods (Tonya Williams) has been promised a raise by Howard and she is really looking forward to using that money to pay off her new car. But, when she receives her paycheck, she discovers that the raise did not go through. Marlene, ever the trouble maker, tells her that Howard must have lied about trying to get her the raise.

But Howard didn’t lie! He submitted the paperwork to a Mr. Federson at the corporate headqyarters and Federson has yet to approve it. Howard marches into his office and discovers Edna on the phone. Howard tells Edna to hang up and call Federson. Edna says that (for some reason) she’s already on the phone with Federson.

“Ask him where the Hell Jennifer’s raise is!” Howard says.

“Where the Hell is Jennifer’s raise?” Edna repeats.

Federson takes offense to the way the question was asked and hangs up. Howard tells Edna that it’s her fault for using that tone with Federson but Edna replies that she was using Howard’s tone and, for what seems like an hour or two, they debate who is responsible for which tone. Howard tells Edna to call up Federson and apologize for her tone. Edna calls Federson and apologizes for Howard’s tone and Federson tells her to tell Howard to man up and apologize himself. Oh, and Jennifer’s raise is now cancelled because Canada apparently has very lax labor laws.

While this is going on, Howard is also having to deal with an old woman named Mrs. Rosenbloom (Helen Hughes), who is standing outside the store in the Toronto cold. Howard brings Mrs. Rosenbloom inside. Mrs. Rosenbloom says that she’s waiting for her son, Sheldon but she’s not sure where he is or what his phone number is. “I don’t want to be a bother,” Mrs. Rosenbloom continually says as she bothers Howard for everything from a chair to a cup of soup.

Meanwhile, Jack Christian and Murray build a gigantic display of taco chips. Unfortunately, the display gets to be too high and it falls over on top of Mrs. Rosenbloom. Luckily, she appears to be okay. “Those chips have sharp edges!” Howard exclaims.

Marlene encourages Jennifer to sue the company for discrimination, as Jennifer is the only black person working at the store and also the only one to not get a raise. Howard panics when he learns that Jennifer has hired Marlene’s boyfriend, lawyer Cy Richards, to sue the store for 10 million dollars. When Cy (Ted Simonett) does eventually show up at the store to meet with Jennifer, it turns out that he’s actually Mrs. Rosenbloom’s son, Sheldon. He changed his name when he opened his law office. Cy is happy to have found his mother but he’s even happier to sue the store.

But then, largely because there’s only two minutes left in the show’s running time, Jennifer decides not to sue the store because Federson comes by the store to meet with her and he decides to give her the raise. Federson is played by Clark Johnson, who would go on to appear on shows like Homicide and The Wire. Howard takes one look at Federson and exclaims, “You’re black!”

“It runs in the family,” Federson replies.

(Yes, it’s just as cringey as it sounds.)

Jennifer may have dropped the lawsuit but Howard is still going to court because now Mrs. Rosenbloom is suing because of the chip display that fell on her.

There was a bit too much going on in this episode and so much of it could have been avoided by Howard and Edna not being idiots. I mean, how does a secretary keep her job if she doesn’t know enough to clean up her boss’s language before quoting it back to someone at the corporate office? How does Howard not know better than to have someone else apologize for him? How can he promise someone a raise that he apparently doesn’t have the power to deliver? In short, how does Howard still have a job? On The Office, they went to pains to establish that Michael was good at selling things as a way to explain why he was still in charge of the branch. On Check It Out, Howard is so thoroughly incompetent that it’s difficult to believe that the store hasn’t burned down yet. And, of course, there’s the fact that Howard, having worked for the company for 20 years, is stunned to discover that a black man has a position of corporate authority. I mean, that really doesn’t say anything good about Howard or the company.

Shows like Check It Out make me happy that I’ve never had a real job.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.20 “The Littlest Sweathog” and 2.21 “Radio Free Feddie”

Posted on November 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Julie’s pregnant and Freddie’s a star!

Episode 2.20 “The Littlest Sweathog”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 10th, 1977)

At the apartment, Julie sees that Gabe has a sketch pad and she demands to know what he’s drawing.

“A picture of you,” Gabe replies. He explains that he’ll let her see the picture after he tells her a joke about a relative of his who lost a lot of money when he put $5 on horse number five and the horse came in fifth. (It went over my heard but I’m not a gambler.) Anyway, the picture isn’t very good and Julie tells him that Gabe’s attempt at art is “funnier than the joke.”

YIKES!

After the opening credits, we return to the apartment where Gabe is tutoring Barbarino. The audiences screams so loudly when Barbarino shows up at the apartment that it’s hardly surprising that he’s having trouble concentrating in school. I mean, that audience is really loud!

No sooner has the lesson begun with Gabe asking what Barbarino knows about D-day (“That’s the day I bring home my report card.”) then the phone rings. Barbarino tells Gabe that it might be a girl calling for him but instead, it’s Julie’s doctor calling to tell her that she’s pregnant.

“Julie’s pregnant!” Gabe shouts.

Barbarino says, “Don’t look at me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Vinnie! I know who the father is!”

“Who?”

Gabe is convinced that he’s the father, despite the fact that Vinnie does kind of have a point. I mean, Julie really doesn’t seem to even like Gabe the majority of the time. When Julie comes home, Gabe eventually convinces Vinnie to leave so that he can tell Julie the news. Gabe is excited. Julie is not excited at all, pointing out that she can’t even remember to water the plants half the time. Gabe tells Julie that she’ll glow. Julie responds that “Spending a half-hour trying to get out of a chair is not my idea of glowing.”

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are debating what type of present they should get Gabe. Freddie suggests a savings bond. Horshack offers to donate 89 cents. The Sweathogs are incredibly invested in the happiness of Gabe’s baby, which is quite a contrast to the way we viewed the teachers at my high school. We didn’t know anything about their lives outside of school and we didn’t want to know.

After Horshack tells Woodman that Gabe is going to be a father, Woodman replies, “This time, you’ve gone too far, Kotter! Who is it!? What’s her name?”

Gabe assures Woodman that the only person who he’s gotten pregnant is his wife. Woodman replies that Gabe is going to have to start holding up gas stations to have enough money to raise a child. Gabe tells Woodman that Julie doesn’t seem to be to thrilled. Woodman replies, “I wouldn’t be too thrilled about having your baby either,” before laughing maniacally.

Back at the apartment, Julie is feeling depressed because, as she says when she hears someone knocking at the door, “Somehow, I just don’t feel like I’m glowing!” Julie answers the door and sighs in frustration as the Sweathogs enter the apartment.

“Oh! The lady in waiting!” Horshack announces. Meanwhile, Barbarino notices that Julie is reading a book by Dr. Spock. “I’m a big Star Trek fan, too,” Barbarino says.

Gabe comes home and, somewhat oddly, is not shocked to find the Sweathogs in his apartment. Gabe asks the Sweathogs to leave. Barbarino and Freddie are happy to go because they want to watch TV. “This bionic woman is getting bigger transistors tonight,” Barbarino says. “Dyno-mite!” Freddie replies.

After the Sweathogs finally leave, Julie says that she realizes that, fears aside, she wants to have the baby. Gabe is happy because he’ll have someone new to tell all of his jokes.

Later, Gabe buys a stuffed dog for the baby and then tells it about his uncle who owned a dog named Roscoe.

This episode was both sweet and a bit awkward to watch. On the one hand, I appreciated the fact that the show tried to be realistic in its portrayal of Julie’s overwhelmed reaction to learning that she was pregnant. On the other hand, this episode really drove him the fact that Gabe Kaplan and Marica Strassman didn’t exactly have a lot of chemistry. By most accounts, Kaplan and Strassman couldn’t stand each other behind the scenes and that tension between the two of them was really noticeable in this episode. (It’s hard not to notice that Gabe and Julie never seem to make much eye contact in this episode.) Reportedly, Strassman often complained that she didn’t get enough to do as Julie. This episode put Julie center-stage but she still had to share it with the Sweathogs and the whole thing just felt kind of weird. I actually felt bad for Julie. She can’t even relax in her own apartment without Gabe’s students coming by!

I’m starting to worry about the baby. Let’s move on.

Episode 2.21 “Radio Free Freddie”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 17th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a paratrooper and who apparently plunged to death when his super emergency parachute didn’t open. That’s not a nice joke to tell a pregnant woman, Gabe!

At the school, Gabe is explaining to the Sweathogs that a famous radio DJ known as Wally the Wow is a former Sweathogs and Gabe has arranged for Epstein, Barbarino, Freddie, and Horshack to work as radio DJs for the week. What? How did that happen? This seems more like a City Guys thing than a Welcome Back Kotter thing. If you owned a radio station, would you turn programming over to four high school students? Would you let Horshack on the radio?

Anyway, Wally the Wow is played by legendary comedian George Carlin and his producer, Andy, is played by The Love Boat‘s Fred Grandy. When the Sweathogs take their turns on the radio, Wally is totally impressed by Freddie’s radio voice and, realizing that the rest of them don’t have Freddie’s talent, the other Sweathogs leave the station. Freddie becomes a big hit but his friends think that he’s let the fame go to his head. Wally tells Freddie that being a DJ can be a lonely job. Freddie is prepared to give up his radio dreams but then the other Sweathogs drop by the station and apologize for being jealous. Freddie agrees to stay on as a DJ.

Later, Gabe drops by the station and thanks Wally for taking care of the Sweathogs. They reminisce about high school. “I remember you used to tell all of those stupid jokes about your uncles,” Wally says, “I’m glad you outgrew that.”

This was a weird episode, largely because it really didn’t make any sense for Wally to put the Sweathogs on the radio in the first place. It would not surprise me if this was yet another backdoor pilot, this time for a sitcom that would have followed the adventures of Wally the Wow and his goofy engineer, Andy. Still, as strange as the episode was, it did give Freddie, the most underused of the Sweathogs, a chance to have a moment in the spotlight so that was a good thing.

Next week, the second season ends!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.7 “Doctor Jack”

Posted on November 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s episode of Friday the 13th: The Series is actually really good!

Episode 1.7 “Doctor Jack”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on November 9th, 1987)

Dr. Vincent Howlett (Cliff Gorman) has a reputation for being a miracle worker. He’s the surgeon who is called in to do the difficult operations that no other surgeon would have the courage to try. Somehow, despite all of the complex surgeries that he has been involved in, he has never lost a patient. The local Toronto hospital is very happy to have Dr. Howlett on staff.

However, Dr. Howlett’s success rate is not just a case of medical skill. He owns a special, lucky scalpel. He purchased it from a knife dealer who earlier purchased it from — you guessed it! — the cursed antique shop. The scalpel is from the Victorian era and it once belonged to none other than Jack the Ripper! The scalpel can make any surgery a success but it demands blood as payment. So, before every surgery, Dr. Howlett has to go out and find someone to murder.

Searching the scalpel as a part of their mission to track down all of the cursed antiques, it doesn’t take long for Ryan, Micki, and Jack to track the scalpel down to Dr. Howlett. However, when Ryan tries to steal the scalpel, a chase through the hospital ensues. When Jack distracts Howlett long enough for Ryan and Micki get away, Jack ends up getting thrown down an elevator shaft.

Jack survives his fall but he’s suffered some terrible internal injuries. In fact, he’s going to need surgery! Fortunately, the best surgeon in Canada is on staff at the hospital. As much as Ryan and Micki want to steal that scalpel, they know that Howlett is going to need it if he’s going to save Jack’s life.

Meanwhile, Jean Flappen (Eva Mai Hoover) is stalking the hallways of the hospital, carrying a gun and hoping to get revenge on Dr. Howlett for the murder of her daughter….

Yikes! Hospital’s are creepy in general but they’re even more creepy when the head surgeon is carrying around a scalpel that once belonged to Jack the Ripper. (Of course, in reality, it’s doubtful that Jack the Ripper was actually a doctor. In all probability, he was a butcher in all definitions of the word.) This episode makes great use of the hospital setting, creating an atmosphere of perpetual unease. It was a genuinely scary location and, for once, the fact that Friday the 13th didn’t have a huge budget worked to show’s advantage. The shots of the empty and shadowy hospital hallways, without even an extra or two populating them, were truly ominous.

Cliff Gorman also gave a wonderful performance as Dr. Howlett, playing him as the type of arrogant jerk who knows that he can get away with being unlikable because he’s the best at his profession. The scene where Howlett can’t find his scalpel and has a sudden meltdown really drives home the idea that the owners of the cursed antiques have become addicted to using them. As soon as Howlett can’t hold his scalpel in his hands, his smooth façade crumbles and he starts going through what can only be called withdrawal.

With its creepy atmosphere and Gorman’s sinister performance, Dr. Jack is the best episode of Friday the 13th that I’ve reviewed so far.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.5 “The Whole Truth”

Posted on November 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week’s episode begins in Manitoba but ends in Toronto.

Episode 2.5 “The Whole Truth”

(Dir by Allan Kroeker, originally aired on October 31st, 1988)

Apparently, with the start of the second season, the producers of T & T decided that the show no longer needed to begin with Mr. T telling us what was going to happen on “today’s episode.” That’s a shame, as Mr. T’s introductions were one of the highlights of the first season.

This episode begins with a title card telling us that the scene we’re about to watch is taking place in St. Louis. I’m going to assume that the show must be referring to the St. Louis in Manitoba because everyone knows that T & T totally takes place in Canada.

In St. Louis, Manitoba, a teenage pool player named Bobby (Lowell Conrad) is making a lot of money at the local pool hall. But when a man named Mike (James Purcell) steps into the pool hall, Bobby quickly puts away his pool cue and then makes a run for it.

Both Bobby and Mike end up in the city where T & T is set. A title card tells us that this city is apparently named “Metro County,” but again, the viewer only has to look at the snow on the ground and listen to accents of the inhabitants to realize that Metro County is actually Toronto.

Mike and Amy show up at Decker’s gym, where they have a meeting with T.S. (As opposed to the first season, in which Turner worked out of Amy’s law office, it now appears that T.S. works exclusively out of the gym.) Amy says that Mike is a client who needs help. Mike explains that he works for a St. Louis insurance company that is after a juvenile car thief named Bobby Slayton. Despite the fact that everything about Mike — from his suit to his smirk — radiates evil, T.S. agrees to help.

Joe Casper (Sean Roberge), who is apparently now like totally reformed from his flirtation with being a Neo-Nazi in the previous episode, is now living at Decker’s gym. He helps T.S. by walking around Toronto and asking random people, “Have you seen a 16 year-old, about 5’6?” Somehow, this vague description leads him to Bobby, who is once again making a living as a pool hustler.

As you probably already guessed, Mike is not an insurance agent and Bobby is not a car thief. Instead, Bobby is someone who has been on the run ever since he saw Mike murder a convenience store clerk during a robbery. When Mike comes after Bobby, he finds T.S. waiting for him.

“You’re outta gas, brother!” T.S. yells before grabbing Mike.

The episodes ends on a curious note, with T.S., Amy, and Bobby leaving a courtroom and lamenting that Mike was found not guilty on the robbery charge. Bobby says that the system failed to do its job but T.S. tells him that “sometimes, that’s what happens, little brother.” But, T.S. also assures Bobby that Mike will be going to jail on the attempted murder charge. Well, let’s hope so.

So far, this season of T&T seems like it’s attempting to be a bit more serious than the first season. If this episode had aired during the first season, Mr. T would have picked up Mike by his ankles and carried him around Toronto while inviting all of the citizens to jeer him and throw hockey pucks at him. Instead, in this episode, we just get Mr. T grabbing Mike and then waiting for the police to show up. That’s a shame as the first season was at its best whenever it acknowledged the absurdity of Mr. T working as a private detective in Toronto. This is really not a show that has any business taking itself seriously.

As with the previous second season episodes, there was a serious lack of Mr. T quirkiness in this episode. There was no talk of his love for cookies or gospel music. So far, about the only personality that T.S. Turner retains from the first season is his habit of calling everyone “brother.” Otherwise, T.S. has been turned into a typical, streetwise private eye. Seriously, why would you cast Mr. T and then not let him be Mr. T?

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.8 “A Divine Madness”

Posted on November 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, things get a bit silly on the highway.

Episode 1.8 “A Divine Madness”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 7th, 1984)

Oh, this episode.

Years ago, a ruthless land developer named Arthur Krock (Ron Moody) built a castle for his beloved wife. Tragically, his wife passed away and Arthur had a nervous breakdown. Now, he spends all of his time in his castle and he believes that he actually is King Arthur. He says that he’s waiting for the return of his Guinevere. Only Marian (Helen Kleeb), his loyal maid, has remained with him over the years. He, of course, calls her Maid Marian even though that’s a Robin Hood reference and not anything from the Arthurian legends.

Though the elder Arthur Krock is still the head of his company, the day-to-day business is handled by his son, Arthur Krock, Jr. (played by a young and beardless Jonathan Frakes). Bitter over his unhappy childhood, Arthur, Jr. is just as ruthless as his father once was. Arthur, Jr. has a 12 million dollar deal to force a woman named Gwen (Jean Allison) off of her land and he’s determined to get it done, even if it means displacing all of the dogs that she and her veterinarian son (Scott Stevenson) look after.

Arthur, Sr.’s daughter, Linda (Ellen Maxted), hires two new handyman and you can probably already guess that they’re going to be Jonathan and Mark. Working around the castle, Jonathan arranges for Arthur, Sr. to meet Gwen. When Arthur, Sr. discovers that Gwen is short for Gweneviere, he announces that she can stay on her land. Arthur, Jr. goes to court to get his father declared incompetent.

Can you guess what happens? Well, if you think that Arthur, Sr. hires Jonathan to be his lawyer and then announces in court that he has not been the father that he should have been …. you’re absolutely correct!

When people talk about Highway to Heaven being a campy or cheesy show, it’s usually episodes like this that they’re talking about. Unabashedly sentimental in its approach, this episode suffers from the fact that Arthur, Jr. has a point. Arthur, Sr. is clearly mentally ill and allowing him to run the company is totally unfair to his employees and the people who have invested in his business. Just because Arthur, Jr. isn’t particularly likable, that doesn’t make him incorrect. If the episode had merely portrayed Arthur, Sr. as an eccentric who didn’t want to have to deal with the pain of the real world, that would be one thing. But this episode has Arthur, Sr. living in a literal castle, sitting on an actual throne, and referring to his son as being Lancelot. It’s all just a bit too much and Ron Moody’s over-the-top performance doesn’t particularly help. To the show’s credit, it does eventually acknowledge that Arthur, Sr. needs some help but still, the whole thing just feels a bit …. well, silly.

Next week, Jonathan and Mark help a movie star become a better father! Hopefully, he doesn’t think that he’s Prester John or Robin Hood or anyone like that.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.7 “Trading Faces”

Posted on November 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jennifer discovers that she can possess people!

Episode 1.7 “Trading Faces”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on December 2nd, 1983)

While watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Joey suggests that Jennifer may be capable of possessing people. Joey’s theory is that, just as Jennifer can walk through walls, she can also step into people’s bodies and control them. This seems like an odd theory for Joey to just come up with. Personally, I think Joey has been obsessing on this for a while.

Still, Jennifer says, “It’s worth a try!” so she crouches down and steps into the body of Joey’s bratty little sister, Marilyn (Mya Akerling). And, it works! Jennifer is able to possess Marilyn! It’s a good thing that worked, I guess. I mean, what if Marilyn died as a result of Jennifer trying to walk through her? How would Joey have explained that?

Jennifer is so excited about possessing Marilyn that she then proceeds to possess Joey’s best friend, Marc (Glenn Scarpelli). “Joey,” Jennifer-as-Marc says, “you have such beautiful eyes.” Joey freaks out but Jennifer is having a ball. The audience thinks its hilarious because this show is from the 80s.

The next morning, as the family eats breakfast, father George (Brandon Maggart) announces that he has a special guest coming by the house, a Spanish film producer (Henry Darrow) who is also an ex-boyfriend of Jennifer’s! (“Jennifer,” George announces, “was like Will Rogers. She never meet a man she didn’t like!”) George tells Joey to act normal and not yell at any invisible people during the producer’s visit.

Of course, it’s not Joey that George should be worried about. That night, when the producer shows up, Jennifer possesses George’s wife, Susan (Georgia Engel), and she flirts with the producer! Uh-oh, what if George finds out? What if this leads to divorce? What if Joey is sent back to New York and suddenly, Jennifer no longer has anyone to harass?

Jennifer really didn’t think this through. Or maybe she did and realized that George is the worst person in the world so who cares about destroying his career, marriage, and family?

Anyway, while possessing Susan, Jennifer kisses the producer. When George witnesses this, Jennifer hops out of Susan’s body, leaving Susan totally clueless as to why George is so upset. This leads to Jennifer once again possessing Susan so that she can declare her love for George and say that the producer was actually the one who put the moves on her and then George decides to punch out the producer but then the producer says that women are always throwing themselves at his feet and Jennifer realizes that the producer wasn’t that hot after all and then she steps into George’s body so that she can tell off the producer and….

AGGGGGGH!

Sorry. As you may have guesses, this whole episode was a bit too frantic for its own good but, to give credit where credit is due, both Georgia Engel and Brandon Maggart did credible Ann Jillian impersonations when their characters were possessed. Still, in the end, the sleazy producer decided to hire George as his lawyer and George accepted his offer because George is the worst person in the world and doesn’t have the self-respect necessary to kick the misogynistic old lech out of his house. Wow, that’s kind of depressing. Jennifer’s dead, everyone thinks that Joey is crazy, and George is so desperate for money that he’ll even take it from a guy who just tried to break up his marriage. This show is dark!

Next week, Jennifer helps Joey beat up the school bully!

Last Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 1.7 “The Legacy”

Posted on November 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

Tonight’s episode of Monsters is …. surprisingly good!

Episode 1.7 “The Legacy”

(Directed by Jeffrey Wolf, originally aired on December 3rd, 1988)

Dale (David Brisbin) is a film teacher and a writer who is hoping to make his name and reputation by writing the authoritative biography of actor Fulton Pierce. Pierce was silent film horror actor who, much like Lon Chaney Sr, was noted for his ability to physically transform himself into the monsters that he was playing. Dale not only wants to write about the events of Pierce’s life but he also wants to explain how Pierce was able to play so many different monsters.

In order to get into Pierce’s mind, Dale moves into Pierce’s former home. When Dale comes across Pierce’s old makeup box, he is convinced that he’s finally found the secret of Pierce’s success. When he opens the makeup box and looks at the mirror within, he seems not his face but instead the face of some of Pierce’s most fearsome characters, including a disfigured monster and a cackling mad scientist.

For the record, the mirror apparitions are inspired by The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Thomas Edison’s Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, and maybe London after Midnight.

Dale’s girlfriend, a model named Debbie (Lara Harris), fears that Dale is wasting his time on a book that no one is going to care about. When she drops by the house and discovers that Dale hasn’t even been able to come up with an opening line for his masterpiece, she gives him an ultimatum. He can either spend the rest of his life trying to write his book or he can marry her but she’s not going to wait forever. She tells him to “Make up your mind!” Dale latches onto the phrase “Make up your mind!,” shouting that he now knows how Fulton Pierce pulled off his amazing transformations.

I was pretty much wearing the same outfit when I watched this episode.

At first Debbie thinks that she has made a real break-through with Dale but later, that night, she wakes up to find Dale standing in front of a mirror and staggering around like one of Fulton Pierce’s monsters. She also discovers that the first chapter of the book is just the phrase Make Up Your Mind written over and over again. Has Dale’s obsession led him to madness or has he truly been possessed by the spirit of Fulton Pierce?

Someone’s losing it.

This episode of Monsters was based on a short story by Robert Bloch and certainly, the plot is more intriguing than any of the stories that preceded it. How exactly does an actor become a character and, more importantly, can you play a monster without becoming one yourself? Can one enter the mind of a madman without becoming mad themselves? (One wonders if Bloch, who was reportedly very much a no-nonsense personality, was satirizing the excesses of method acting.) Though the episode is only 21 minutes long, the story doesn’t feel rushed and the deliberate pace helps to create a properly ominous atmosphere. Add in two strong performances from David Brisbin and Lara Harris and you have the best episode of Monsters so far.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.16 “Making the Grade/The Gift/Doc’s ‘Ex’ Change”

Posted on November 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Doc Bricker gets his moment in the spotlight.

Episode 3.16 “Making The Grade/The Gift/Doc’s “Ex” Change

(Dir by Gordon Farr, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)

Since the very first episode of The Love Boat, viewers have continually been told that Doctor Adam Bricker is a notorious swinger, a lothario was has been married numerous times and to whom almost every woman is immediately attracted. There’s really not much about Bernie Kopell’s likable but rather mild-mannered performance as Doc that would lead anyone to think that any of that would be true but the show insists that Dr. Bricker is a legend of the high seas.

On this week’s episode, Doc’s most recent wife, Samantha (Juliet Prowse), boards the ship. She and Doc split up a few years ago and they have a friendly relationship. However, when Samantha informs Doc that her crooked lawyer never actually filed their divorce papers, Doc realizes that they are technically still married! Will they get a quickie divorce in Mexico (which is Doc’s first idea) or will the give marriage another try? (That’s Doc’s second idea.) In the end, they realize that they are just too different to make a marriage work. Samantha is smart and practical, while Doc is …. well, actually, Doc is the exact same way. Doc insists that he and Samantha don’t have much in common but actually, they have a lot in common. I think Doc is kind of fooling himself into thinking that he’s more of an impulsive wild man than he really is. Anyway, at the end of the cruise, they decide to get divorced but at least they still like each other. Doc never quit gets his heart broken like the rest of the cast does. I guess that’s why he’s a legend.

Meanwhile, Vicki finally gets someone her own age to hang out with when Danny Harris (Johnny Timko) boards with his mother, Madeline (Jessica Walter). Unfortunately, Danny is also kind of a spoiled brat and he’s really not happy when he discovers that his teacher, John Hurley (Dick Gautier), is also on board. And then Danny is even more upset when John starts to romance Madeline. And really, Danny has a point. No one wants to see their teacher (or their boss) while they are on vacation. And seriously, no one wants to deal with the idea of their teacher (or, again, their boss) suddenly becoming their stepfather. That said, Danny eventually makes peace with the idea of his mom dating his teacher and everyone leaves the boat happy.

The final storyline features one of those plots that drives me crazy, because it could have easily been resolved by everyone not acting like an idiot. Buddy Redmond (Red Buttons) boards the boat with his wife, Joan (Kaye Ballard). Buddy claims that it’s been years since he last gambled but actually, he’s lying. He has $2,000 in his suit pocket, money that he got from his bookie. Joan doesn’t know about it. When Joan hears that two other passengers, Benny Carter (frequent Love Boat guest star Sonny Bono) and Sally (Ronee Blakely), have lost their luggage, she donates Buddy’s jacket so that Benny will have something to wear at dinner. When the envelope containing the money falls out of the jacket, Benny and Sally think that all of their financial problems have been solved. Meanwhile, Buddy desperately wants to get back both the jacket and the money but he doesn’t want his wife to find out why. Meanwhile, Benny and Sally need the money but they don’t want to steal it if it actually did fall out the jacket so they try to convince themselves that the envelope could have been left in their cabin by a previous passenger who is no longer on the boat. Seriously, it’s exhausting to try to keep up with these people. Fortunately, once Buddy discovers that Benny and Sally really need the money, he lets them keep it. Joan is so touched that she totally forgets about the fact that her husband is apparently still a degenerate gambler.

Even by Love Boat standards, this was a silly episode. At the same time, it was a pleasant diversion. Juliet Prowse and Bernie Kopell made a nice couple, even if you never quite bought the idea of Doc being a playboy. Red Buttons wisely underplayed his role and therefore, Buddy remained sympathetic even while demanding the return of his jacket. Even Sonny Bono and Ronee Blakely were likable as a nice couple who found themselves in over their heads. This cruise was silly but pleasant.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.1 “Pursuit”

Posted on November 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The year was 1995 and Baywatch, a show about lifeguards, was the most popular in the world. Even though the critics never cared for the show, it got monster ratings. Having played head lifeguard Mitch Buchanan for 6 years, star David Hasselhoff was growing tired with Baywatch’s format. He wanted to try something new and that new thing was Baywatch Nights. During the two years that Baywatch Nights aired, Mitch would spend his days as a lifeguard and his nights as a private investigator!

Baywatch Nights ran for two seasons. The second season is remembered for featuring Mitch battling aliens, ghosts, and vampires. The first season featured Mitch dealing with more traditional villains. For our latest Late Night Retro Television Review, we’ll be looking at both seasons of Baywatch Nights!

Episode 1.1 “Pursuit”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 30th, 1995)

The very first episode of Baywatch Nights opens with Mitch Buchanan (played, of course, by David Hasselhoff) speaking directly to the audience. He’s standing at his lifeguard stand, wearing his signature red Baywatch swim trunks.

“Some people,” Mitch says straight to the camera, “think that the beach closes when the sun goes down. Uh-uh. That’s when it really starts to heat up.” Mitch goes on to explain that he’s working a second job as a private investigator. His old friend, Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams), is a partner in a detective agency with Ryan McBride (Angie Harmon), who was born in Texas, became a detective in New York, and recently moved to California. Mitch is working with them. Suddenly, Mitch says that he hopes those watching will enjoy this “new show.”

This brings up an interesting question. Are we listening to Mitch or are we listening to David Hasselhoff? If it’s David Hasselhoff talking directly to the audience, his monologue would seem to suggest that he thinks that Baywatch is real life, even though it’s a TV show. He talks about Garner and Ryan as if they’re real people. If we’re listening to Mitch Buchanan, that means that he has somehow become aware that he’s a character on a television show. Has Mitch become self-aware? Or has he realized that he’s living in some sort of Truman Show-style situation?

These are all questions that will probably never be answered.

As for the episode, it jumps right into things. Mitch, Garner, and Ryan have their private detective offices located right above a nightclub called — wait for it — “Nights.” Occasionally, they are helped by Destiny Desimone (Lisa Stahl), a perky blonde who spends her days doing Tarot card readings on the beach and her nights hanging out around the office. When Ryan can’t figure out how to use a computer, Destiny is there to help When Mitch and Garner can’t figure out how to have multiple landlines in one office, Destiny figures it all out! It’s all very 90s, with boxy computers and long telephone cords.

Mitch’s first case involves serving as a bodyguard for a model named Cassidy (Carol Alt). Cassidy says that someone is stalking her and she’s especially worried because another model has recently been murdered. (“Her name was Alexa,” Mitch muses as he looks at the murdered model’s body, “This was her last photo session.”) Mitch protects Cassidy and, of course, he falls for her but, in the end, he realizes that Cassidy has actually been stalking herself and was responsible for the other model’s death. Mitch is shaken by his discovery of Cassidy’s guilt, even though the exact same thing previously happened to him during the first season of Baywatch, when he fell in love with a woman who turned out to be a black widow murderer. Mitch muses that he knows how to be a lifeguard but he’s still learning how to be a private eye.

(Mitch, seriously, just watch reruns of Baywatch! I mean, you’re only one episode into Baywatch Nights and you’re already recycling old plots so I imagine you should just keep doing what you did the first time.)

This episode’s plot is pretty predictable but, for a pilot, it’s likable. Angie Harmon, Gregory Alan Williams, and David Hasselhoff all have a likable chemistry and, as a Texas girl, I appreciated the fact that Angie Harmon’s accent was authentic. Mitch narrates the episode in a hard-boiled, private eye manner and David Hasselhoff’s earnest delivery is so at odds with his words that it becomes rather charming. As a friend of mine once said when we watched him in Starcrash, “Every country should have a Hoff!”

As far as first episodes go, Pursuit does everything it needs to do. It introduces us to the characters and their personalities. Ryan is supercool and has really pretty hair. Destiny is quirky. Garner is determined. And Mitch …. well, Mitch is David Hasselhoff. Wisely, the first episode didn’t spend too much time trying to rationalize the idea of Mitch working all day as a lifeguard and then all night as a private eye. Realistically, it seems like he would end up too exhausted to be good at either job. Instead, the first episode simply tells the audience that Mitch is now a detective and that the audience better be willing to accept it.

(Unfortunately, most of the audience didn’t accept it, which is why the second episode featured Mitch dealing with sea monsters and resurrected Vikings. We’ll get to that in a while.)

Next week, Mitch battles a group of thieves on skates! Seriously, you know that’s going to be fun!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

Posted on November 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, season 3 comes to an end!

Episode 3.23 “Eagleman/Children of Mentu”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 17th, 1980)

As I watched the third season finale of Fantasy Island, I found myself growing a bit sad. Even though I went into this program knowing that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize eventually came to despise each other, it’s still a bit jarring to see just how obvious that dislike was by the end of season 3. Gone were the silly moments of banter that used to start each episode. Instead, by the end of season 3, each episode opened with same stock footage of Tattoo announcing the plane and then Roarke and Tattoo heading down to the docks to meet their guests. When Tattoo and Roarke do speak to each other, the actors barely look at each other. As I said, it’s a shame and it’s hard not to feel that the show itself became a bit less interesting once Roarke and Tattoo stopped interacting.

As far as this week’s fantasies, they both feel somewhat familiar. There’s a comedic fantasy and a vaguely serious fantasy, both featuring actors who had previously appeared on the show in different roles. The comedic fantasy features Bob Denver as Morris Binstock who comes to the Island for a business retreat. Accompanying him is his son, Barney (Keith Coogan). Ever since the death of his wife, Morris has struggled to connect with his son. His fantasy is to become his son’s favorite comic book hero, Eagleman!

And he gets his wish. Roarke has set up an entire Eagleman secret headquarters in the closet of Morris’s room. Morris puts on the Eagleman costume and he does a flew klutzy things and he gets to fly. His son is happy. But is Morris devoting so much time to being Eagleman that he’s running the risk of losing a promotion at work? After all, a promotion would not only mean more money but it would also be something that would continue to exist, even after Morris left the Island. It looks like obnoxious Hal Ripley (Larry Storch) is going to get the promotion but when the company’s CEO, H.H. Moran (Jim Backus), discovers that Morris has been pretending to be Eagleman to make his son happy, Moran makes Morris vice president. H.H. Moran is all about family!

The more serious fantasy features Vernee Watson as Rochelle McKenzie, a reporter who is trying to track down Dr. Arthur Gates (Ralph Bellamy), a millionaire who vanished one day. Roarke explains that Dr. Gates has been spotted on the nearby Island of Mentu. Roarke warns her that the inhabitants of Mentu are not friendly and Rochelle will be putting her own life at risk if she goes to the island,

Rochelle still goes to the island and guess what? Roarke was not lying about those angry inhabitants. One of the men is horribly scarred. Another has to use a crutch but still growls at every human he sees. The island and the natives were exploited by a mining company and now, the natives distrust almost everyone they see. However, Dr. Gates has decided to dedicate his life to taking care of them. That’s a good thing because it turns out that the scarred native has a sick child and only Dr. Gates can provide the proper medical attention.

Both stories are fairly silly, though at least Rochelle’s story gives Ralph Bellamy a chance to take on the type of role that was usually given to Ray Milland. If you only know Bellamy as the guy who was constantly getting dumped for Cary Grant in the 30s and 40s, this episode allows Bellamy a chance to show that he could be a likable and authoritative actor. As for the Eagleman story, it was kind of uncomfortable to watch because Bob Denver looked like he was in his early 60s and it was hard not to worry about him seriously injuring himself whenever he put on the costume.

There’s an interesting moment in Rochelle’s fantasy, in which she tells Mr. Roarke that she feels foolish coming to the Island in pursuit of a “fantasy.” She feels that she’s being childish but Roarke explains that fantasies are not childish and that one should always pursue their dreams. Whether it was intentional or not, this scene serves as a mission statement for the entire series. Yes, Fantasy Island was frequently silly and childish but, in the end, it still resonates because people will always have dreams and they will always have fantasies. There will always be a place for Fantasy Island.