Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”

Posted on October 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the Sweathogs learn about the free press!

Episode 2.15 “Sweatgate Scandal”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 13th, 1977)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a hunter. Apparently, he went out in the woods, ran into a beautiful woman, and asked her, “Are you game?” She said yes and, as Gabe puts it, “He shot her.”

Yikes!

Meanwhile, at school, Epstein and Horshack are upset that the school newspaper is always “putting down the Sweathogs” and criticizing Freddie as a basketball player. They’re especially upset because Mr. Kotter is the newspaper’s faculty advisor. When Gabe arrives at class, he explains that he’s just the advisor, not the editor. Gabe also says that he’s more interested in the front page story, about someone breaking into Mr. Lazarus’s office and stealing some of his confidential files.

“They’ll probably blame that on us,” Freddie says.

“No one’s going to blame this on you,” Gabe replies.

Of course, Woodman steps into the classroom and immediately demands to know who was responsible for “the Lazarus break-in.” Woodman also demands to know where Gabe was during the break-in. Gabe says that he was attending Woodman’s speech on “Self-defense with a number two pencil.”

Gabe decides that the Sweathogs need to make their voices heard so he offers to give extra credit to any Sweathog who works on the school newspaper. He says that they can investigate the Lazarus break-in.

“Oh, it’ll be just like the All The President’s Men!” Horshack says.

“I get to be Robert Redford!” Barbarino declares.

“Well, I’m Dustin Hoffman,” Epstein replies, “I’m walking here!”

At the school newspaper, Freddie, Horshack, Barbarino, and Epstein find themselves working with two characters who appeared regularly during the first season, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck) and Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen). Freddie writes the sports page. Horshack reveals his gossip columnist skills by revealing that Judy’s had a nose job. Barbarino and Epstein are investigative reporters and are assigned to investigate the Lazarus Break-In. However, Woodman drops by the newspaper’s office and explains that Lazarus doesn’t want the break-in to be investigated. “Cork it!” Woodman shouts.

After Horshack finds a note in his Twinkie, Epstein and Barbarino head to the Boys’s Bathroom, where they meet up with an informant named Deep Throat. (“But you can call me Deep.”) The informant, who is hiding in a stall, tells them to “Follow the liver.”

“What do I do when I catch it?” Barbarino asks.

Deep Throat goes on to explain that the break-in at Lazarus’s office is connected to another break-in at the school cafeteria.

We cut to the school at night. Barbarino and Epstein have written their story but they need Gabe to look over it and approve it. Gabe arrives at the school in tuxedo, explaining that, once a week, he and Julie play nightclub, in which he puts on a tuxedo and tells jokes while Julie puts on a nightgown and heckles him. Sounds like fun!

The story suggests that the school has been buying liver substitute as opposed to real liver and someone has been pocketing the money that was saved. When Gabe needs a little more proof, Epstein and Barbarino lead him out to the hallway, where Deep Throat awaits in the shadows. Deep Throat confirms the story and then says, “I must go home and gargle.” Could Woodman be Deep Throat?

The latest edition of the newspaper is published, with Barbarino and Epstein’s story on the front page. When Woodman comes in the office and informs them that Lazarus is launching a full-scale investigation but that he’s not happy about the story. Judy informs Woodman that she’s not to blame because she’s an honor’s student.

“I’ve never gotten a B!” Judy says.

“Neither have a I,” Horshack replies.

Woodman reveals that the cafeteria will now be serving real liver and then he lowers his voice and says, “You can call me Deep.”

MR. WOODMAN WAS DEEP THROAT! Well …. yeah, who else would it be? It’s not as if there’s a huge amount of characters on this show.

After Woodman leaves, Gabe asks Barbarino and Epstein if he’s ever told them about his Uncle Max, who once hired an investigative reporter. Barbarino and Epstein groan and Gabe reveals that the investigative reporter discovered that Max’s wife was cheating on him.

This was a cute episode. Barbarino and Epstein always make for a good team and any episode that allows Woodman to go nuts is worth watching. Always follow the liver!

Next week: Gabe’s father comes to visit!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.2 “The Poison Pen”

Posted on October 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Ryan, Mickey, and Jack all end up going undercover at an ancient monastery, where one of the monks is using a cursed pen to take out anyone who annoys him.

Episode 1.2 “The Poison Pen”

(Directed by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 10th, 1987)

The second episode of Friday the 13th: The Series begins at an ancient monastery that is run by a religious order known as The Brotherhood. (It’s never explicitly stated what denomination the Brotherhood belongs too. Their practices seem to be an odd mix of Buddhism and Anglicanism.) The Abbott has gone to top the roof of the monastery. He suddenly starts to float in the air. He thinks that he’s having a religious experience but, just as suddenly, he crashes down to the ground and is killed.

At the antique store, Jack sees a story in the newspaper about the Abbott’s death and he immediately realizes that someone at the monastery purchased a cursed pen from the store. The pen can be used to kill. All one has to do is write out how they want the death to happen (preferably in as florid language as possible) and then write down the name of their victim. That’s a powerful pen and obviously, it must be retrieved!

So, of course, Ryan and Micki have to go undercover as young monks. However, since it’s The Brotherhood and not the Sisterhood, Micki will have to pretend to be male which means tying back her hair, taking a vow of silence, and allowing Ryan to bind her chest. Jack forges a letter of introduction, though you have to wonder why he didn’t just go undercover with Ryan instead of forcing Micki to go through the trouble of trying to pass for a male.

Ryan and Micki move into the monastery and try to figure out which of the monks owns the pen. Unfortunately, they don’t do a very good job of it and two more monks are tragically killed, one suffocated in his bed while the other is beheaded by a guillotine that just happens to be in a storage room for some reason. In fact, Ryan and Micki prove to be so ineffective that Jack is eventually forced to go undercover as well.

Eventually, the owner of the pen is revealed to be Brother Le Croix (Colin Fox), who makes the mistake of writing out Jack, Micki, and Ryan’s death warrant on a piece of paper that already has his name on it. This leads to Brother Le Croix getting a guillotine blade to the back, finally bringing his reign of terror to an end. Ryan and Jack return the pen to the antique store and Micki finally gets to let down her hair and wear a bra again.

I personally think this episode would have been more effective if it had aired later in the season because a good deal of the episode’s humor depended on the idea of Jack, Micki, and Ryan all knowing each other extremely well. Instead, since this is just the second episode, it seems reasonable that Jack barely knows either Micki and Ryan, which makes some of his overly familiar interactions with them feel a bit odd. Unless there was a year-long time skip between the pilot and the second episode, it just doesn’t seem like everyone should be as comfortable around Jack as they are.

As for the episode’s premise, it was all a bit silly. The main problem is that the pen was so powerful that you have to kind of wonder why Brother Le Croix didn’t just use it as soon as he became suspicious of the new monks. Instead, he waited until everyone was gathered in the same room as the guillotine and then he forced them to watch as he wrote out how he wanted them to die and then, he actually announced, “Now, I just have to write down your names!” Why didn’t he write down their names first? It seems like evil was defeated less to due to the actions of our heroes and more because our villain was a true idiot.

Oh well. The important thing is that the pen will write no more!

Next week: Jack, Micki, and Ryan go to college in an episode directed by Atom Egoyan!

Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 5.6 “Renaissance” (dir by Bruno Gantillon)

Posted on October 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, David Soul plays a greedy developer who runs afoul the Parisian underground. It turns out that thinking big is not always the fool-proof strategy that the developer thinks that it is. The cocky developer finds himself forced to confront his own dark side. Myself, I’m curious why the opening credits always feature The Hitchhiker walking through the desert but, since the 5th season began, he’s pretty much just exclusively been hanging out in France. Seriously, who is this guy?

The episode originally aired on July 14th, 1989!

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.19 “Special Delivery” and 1.20 “Pros and Cons”

Posted on October 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T.S. and Amy continue to keep Canada safe.

Episode 1.19 “Special Delivery”

(Dir by Vic Sarin, originally aired on May 15th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us during the pre-credits preview, “a young boy’s on the run with only his fears and a mysterious package for company.”

Bruce Johnson (Robert McClure) is an old friend of T.S. Turner’s who is now working as an executive for the Canadian space program. He records a tape in which he tells T.S. that he suspects that someone is trying to sabotage Canada’s latest space rocket and that his life in danger. “If anything happens to me,” Bruce asks, “take care of David and Brenda.” Bruce leaves his office with a package of evidence. He finds his 12 year-old son, David (Jamie Dick) skateboarding in front of a school. He gives the package to David and tells him to deliver it to Decker’s gym. David wears his baseball cap backwards so we all know he’s a rebel. Bruce is nabbed by the police as soon as he gives David the package but, fortunately, David is able to roll away on his skateboard.

With her husband and son both missing, Brenda Johnson (Karen Woolridge) calls T.S. Turner at Amy’s law office. Turner is out but the spacey administrative assistant, Sophie (Catherine Disher), takes the message and then runs down to the courthouse to give it to Amy. As someone who has worked as an administrative assistant, Sophie’s unprofessionalism made me cringe. How can Amy run her law office if the office is so disorganized? I’m surprised T.S. puts up with it.

Amy heads down to the police station, where she discovers that Brenda is being held as a witness in a federal investigation that’s being headed up by Detective Williams (William Finlay), who is a part of the Canadian Bureau of Investigation. Williams asks Amy where Bruce and David are and Amy tells him that Brenda has “civil rights.”

“Civil rights are superseded in matters of treason,” William replies.

Amy threatens to call a press conference so Williams agrees to let Brenda go free. Wow, that was easy!

10 minutes into this episode, T.S. finally shows up. He and Amy get a hot dog on a city street. “Thanks, brother,” T.S. tells the hot dog vendor. Amy fills T.S. in on what’s happening. T.S. suggests that Amy head to the gym while T.S. searches the city. Meanwhile, mysterious men in gray suits watch their every move.

Meanwhile, David continue to ride his skateboard through the city. He gets chased by the cops at one point and has to run through an office building to escape. Seriously, how big is this city? The kid just had to go to the gym!

Finally, 15 minutes into this 23-minute episode, David reaches the gym. However, he can’t go into the gym because the feds are staking it out! So, he just stands around outside with his hands in his pockets. T.S. shows up at the gym and announces, “The Kid’s not going to show up here with federal agents outside!”

After putting on camouflage gear, T.S. grabs Decker and heads back to the office. (Amy stays at the gym.) While Sophie flirts with Decker, T.S. calls the gym and tells Amy that David is at the office. T.S. knows the lines are bugged so this is his clever plan to throw off the feds. And it works! As Amy and Agent Williams head to the law office, Decker and T.S. head back to the gym.

And yes! David is now in the gym. He gives T.S. the package.

“Hey, little brother,” T.S. says, “everything’s going to be alright.”

Suddenly, a random bad guy shows up in the gym, holding a gun. He demands the package and promises no one will get hurt.

“Someone sticks a gun in my face, that don’t exactly inspire confidence!” T.S. explains.

T.S. then punches the guy out. One scene later, a news reporter informs us that Bruce Johnson has been found alive so I guess that’s the end of that.

This was a weird episode. For all the talk of international intrigue and Canada’s space program, the majority of it was just filler footage of the kid rolling around on his skateboard. T.S. was barely in it, leading me to suspect that maybe Mr. T had some vacation time and wanted to leave early. Either way, at least Canada’s space program was saved.

Episode 1.20 “Pros and Cons”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on May 23rd, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T says, “some high-rolling crooks make a very big mistake when they pick on my Aunt Martha.”

Two con artists — Harry (Booth Savage) and Louise (Janet-Laine Green) — pretend to be members of law enforcement and trick T.S.’s Aunt Martha into withdrawing a good deal of money from the bank. Martha thinks that she’s helping them catch a criminal but actually, she’s just given up her hard-earned money. T.S. isn’t going to stand for that! However, Martha doesn’t want to tell T.S., even though T.S.’s nice, Renee (Rachael Crawford) thinks that she should.

So, Renee decides to investigate on her own. After rather easily stealing a book of mugshots from the police station, Renee shows it to Aunt Martha, who immediately identifies Harry and Louise. By running a fake credit check on Louise, Renee and Aunt Martha are able to track them down to a ritzy hotel. Renee dresses up like a maid and Aunt Martha dresses up like a rich guest and they infiltrate the hotel.

Meanwhile, T.S. is shocked to discover that a check that he wrote to fix his car has bounced.

“Why would it do that!?” T.S. demands.

T.S. and Amy go to Aunt Martha’s and find all of Renee and Martha’s notes. Realizing that the two of them are confronting the con artists at the hotel, T.S. and Amy arrive just in time to see Harry and Louise trying to run from the hotel. T.S. blocks Harry’s escape. Harry grabs a mop and points it at T.S.

“Ain’t no way, brother,” T.S. replies.

T.S. subdues Harry by tossing him over a railing (don’t worry, Harry lands on a table) and Aunt Jackie punches out Louise.

The problem here is pretty obvious. The name of the show is T and T, not Renee and Jackie. The fun thing about this show is listening to T.S. growl at the criminals. This episode pushed both Amy and T.S. to the side and, as such, it just wasn’t that much fun. Sorry, Aunt Jackie!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.2 “Pilot: Part Two”

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, we finish up the pilot for Highway to Heaven, with Jonathan revealing the true nature of his job to Mark and the old people heading to the horse races!

Episode 1.1 “Highway to Heaven: Part Two”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

The second half of the pilot for Highway to Heaven opens with things looking up at the retirement community. Everyone is enjoying the new garden. There’s a new sense of community amongst the residents. Even Estelle (Helen Hayes) has finally come out of her room and is now taking care of the dog that Jonathan previously gave her. Sidney Gould (John Bleifer) is especially happy to see Estelle out and about, especially after Estelle agrees to have dinner with him.

The only person who is not happy with the changes that Jonathan has brought to everyone’s lives is Mark Gordon. Mark is still suspicious of Jonathan’s motives and he’s not happy that his sister, Leslie (Mary McCusker), is falling for a man who she really knows nothing about. When Jonathan is having dinner at Leslie’s apartment, Mark breaks into Jonathan’s apartment and discovers that Jonathan owns nothing. There’s not even a toothbrush in the bathroom.

Jonathan catches Mark in his apartment and, after Mark demands to know just who exactly Jonathan is, Jonathan explains that he works for “the Boss.” He travels from location to location, helping people who need help. When Mark demands to know who the Boss is, Jonathan can only look heaven-ward.

Needless to say, Mark is not at all convinced that Jonathan is an angel. But there’s an even bigger problem to deal with! Mr. Sinclair (Joe Dorsey), the owner of retirement home, has sold the land to a developer! Everyone who worked there is now out of a job and everyone who lived there has been given just a few days to move out and find somewhere else to live.

When Jonathan pays Mr. Sinclair a visit, he discovers that Sinclair has spent his life making money in order to get over the shame of being rejected by his high school love. Unfortunately, she’s now dead and Sinclair no longer cares about anyone. Still, Jonathan is able to convince Mr. Sinclair to give him a chance to raise enough money to buy the retirement home.

Mark’s suggestion is that they take the money that they already have and bet it at the tracks. Jonathan is not sure if the Boss would like him gambling but, in the end, he agrees to Mark’s plan. At the tracks, it first appears that the horse that the old people put their money on has lost. But then then Sidney discovers that the person at the betting window accidentally gave him the wrong ticket and — it’s a miracle! They win the money!

The old people are able to buy their retirement home and Mark is now convinced that Jonathan is angel. In fact, Mark is so convinced that he insists on driving Jonathan around the country and helping him out.

(Don’t worry about Leslie. Though she’s upset when Jonathan leaves, a handsome and single man immediately moves in next door to her.)

This episode ends with Jonathan getting into Mark’s car and the two of them driving off, down the highway.

Wow, this was an earnest show. Seriously, there’s not a hint of sarcasm or snarkiness to be found in this episode, which I imagine explains why this show is still airing on the retro stations and streaming on a hundred different sites. To an extent, it’s easy to be dismissive of a show where a bunch of quirky old people got to the race track to win enough money to be able to stay together in their retirement home. There’s nothing subtle not particularly surprising about any of it. I mean, we know there’s no way Helen Hayes and that adorable dog are going to lose their home! But this episode was so achingly sincere in its approach that it worked.

We’ll see if it continues to work next week!

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.5 “Shadow Puppets” (dir by Roger Andrieux)

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a psychologist (Brian Kerwin) learns about the dangers of manipulating a patient. As you may be able to guess, The Hitchhiker dislikes psychologists almost as much as he dislikes tabloid journalists. In fact, is there anyone that The Hitchhiker does like?

This episode originally aired on July 8th, 1989.

Retro Television Reviews: Jennifer Slept Here 1.2 “Jennifer: The Movie”

Posted on October 12, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the afterlife of film star Jennifer Farrell continues as a Hollywood production company comes to the house to shoot a scene for their Jennifer biopic!

Episode 1.2 “Jennifer: The Movie”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on October 28th, 1983)

The second episode of Jennifer Slept Here opens with ghostly Jennifer in a good mood. A movie is being made about her life and Joey has somehow gotten a hold of the script. Jennifer reads the script and announces that the movie is going to be the “great biopic since Gandhi! And I look a lot better under a sheet!”

(The audience loves that line.)

Jennifer’s main concern is who is going to be play her in the movie and, at her insistence, Joey asks his parents. Since his parents are wacky sitcom parents, it takes them forever to finally reveal that not only is Jennifer going to be played by Sheila Drake (Lynnda Ferguson) but that a scene from the movie is going to be filmed at the house. Jennifer is not a fan of Sheila Drake’s and she takes out her annoyance by playing the piano. When his mother comes in the room to see who is so beautifully playing the piano, Joey is forced to pretend to be a talented musical prodigy.

Later, Jennifer is super-excited when the film crew shows up at the house to shoot a scene in which she talks to a producer. This actually leads to a rather poignant moment in which Jennifer tries to talk to a few familiar members of the crew, just to be reminded that she’s dead and they can no longer hear her. (When I say that the scene is poignant, it’s almost all totally due to the performance of Ann Jillian.)

However, Jennifer is not amused when she discovers that Sheila is planning on playing her as a “cheap tramp” who slept her way to the top. Jennifer goes out of her way to disrupt filming, first by unplugging a power chord and then, after Sheila has gone up to Joey’s room to wait while the next scene is set up, spraying Sheila with water and then ripping off Sheila’s skirt. Because Joey is in the room at the time, he gets blamed for both of these incidents. So, I guess Joey’s going to jail and get booked on assault charges now, right? Nope. Instead, Sheila just walks off the picture.

The director (Luis Avalos) is freaking out because he’s got “a six million dollar picture” and no star when suddenly, Joey’s mom announces that there’s someone that the director should see. The director says he doesn’t want to see anyone but then, Jennifer comes walking down the stairs. AND EVERYONE CAN SEE HER!

It turns out that Jennifer has the ability to be seen when she wants to be seen. She convinces the crew that she’s Sheila’s stand-in and then she shoots the scene the way that it really happened, revealing that she was a hard-worker who earned her roles with her talent. Unfortunately, when the scene is later watched by the family, it turns out that the stand-in does not appear on camera. (Instead, just as in The Invisible Man, the camera just picks up Jennifer’s dress moving around on its own.) The family assumes that it was a problem with the camera while only Joey knows that it’s because Jennifer’s a ghost.

Accompanied by Jennifer (who is once again invisible to everyone but him), Joey heads down to a snooty restaurant where he confronts Sheila and, with Jennifer’s help, blackmails her to return to the film. Joey threatens to reveal that Sheila steals her wardrobe from her movies and that she once spent a night in Madrid with a soccer team. If I was Sheila, I would reply by calling the police and telling them that Joey was in the room when I was sprayed with water and had my skirt ripped off. But apparently, everyone’s moved on from that.

Sheila returns to the film and shoots the scene, this time the way that it actually happened. Jennifer wipes away a tear. Awwwww!

Hey, this isn’t actually was not a bad episode. It was certainly an improvement over the pilot and Ann Jillian did a great job playing up both Jennifer’s pride in her career and her anger that her accomplishments were being denigrated by a lesser actress. The supporting characters continue to be the show’s biggest weakness but this episode largely worked, even if it never really made sense for the director to be okay with the family hanging out at the house while they were shooting the film.

Next week: Joey and his loser friend Marc both want to date the same girl!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.2 “Holly’s House”

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week, on Monsters, a creepy robot gets a bit too possessive of its operator. How monstrous is this robot? Read on and find out!

Episode 1.2 “Holly’s House”

(Dir by Theodore Gershuny, originally aired on October 29th, 1988)

This week’s monster is Holly.

Holly is a robot. (Sitting inside the Holly costume was actor Michael J. Anderson, who is best known for playing the backwards-talking Man From Another World on Twin Peaks and The Man Who Secretly Controlled Hollywood in Mulholland Drive.) Holly is the star of an incredibly corny and kind of annoying children’s show called Holly’s House. Every day, Holly deals with her friends, Early Bird and Mike the Mailman.

Mike the Mailman is actually an actor named Lenny (Perry Lang). Lenny is the sometime boyfriend of Katherine (Marilyn Jones), the actress who not only provides the voice of Holly but also controls the robots movements during filming. Katherine has been the star of Holly’s House for four years but she has just discovered that she is pregnant. Katherine wants to quit the show, marry Lenny, and raise her child. Holly, however, has other ideas….

This episode was basically a variation on the old idea of the ventriloquist being taken over by their dummy. Is Holly the one who is being rude to Lenny and deliberately ruining the show or is it Katherine acting through Holly? And when Holly snaps and starts attacking people, is Holly the one doing it or is it Katherine acting out through Holly? Unfortunately, regardless of whether Holly is acting on her own or not, Katherine is still the one destined to take the blame for all of her anti-social behavior.

Holly was indeed creepy but this episode was still a bit of a let down. I think the main problem was that there was no way that Holly’s House would have been a success. I understand that the show’s portrayal of Holly’s House was probably meant to be a commentary on how vapid most children’s shows were but, even at their most vapid, most children’s shows are still somewhat cute. Holly’s House only has three cast members — an ugly bird, a creepy robot, and an overly cheerful mailman. There’s not a kid around that would watch that. Holly obviously wasn’t happy about Lenny encouraging Katherine to quit the show but seriously, the show was probably on its last legs as it was.

One final note: This episode was directed by Theodore Gershuny, who was the ex-husband of cult film star Mary Woronov and who also directed Silent Night Bloody Night and wrote the excellent book, Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture. While his direction of this episode didn’t really work for me, I do recommend his Christmas film and the book.

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.4 “Garter Belt” (dir by Roger Andrieux)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, Robert Carradine plays a corrupt diplomat in France whose life falls apart when all of his dark secrets are revealed. This is another Hitchhiker episode in which The Hitchhiker takes an obvious glee in revealing the hypocrisy of someone who holds himself up as being moral and perfect. Keep an eye out for Lucio Fulci’s favorite actress, Catriona MacColl, in the role of Carradine’s long-suffering wife!

This episode originally aired on July 7th, 1989.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.10 and 3.11: “The Love Lamp Is Lit/Critical Success/Rent a Family/Take My Boyfriend, Please/The Man in Her Life”

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a double length episode of The Love Boat as the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders take over the cruise!

Episodes 3.10 and 3.11 “The Love Lamp Is Lit/Critical Success/Rent a Family/Take My Boyfriend, Please/The Man in Her Life”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

This episode features the first time that Jill Whelan (as Vicki) is included in the opening credits and what an episode to be included in! It’s time for a special charity cruise of the Love Boat! In order to raise money for an orphanage in Mexico, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders will be performing on the boat!

I don’t really follow football but I do know that both the Cowboys and their cheerleaders were really popular back in the 70s and 80s. (Living in Texas, I’ve become very good at sympathetically nodding whenever anyone starts talking about frustrated they are with the Cowboys.) Still, the idea of the cheerleaders performing on a cruise ship for a charity drive seems a little off. I mean, shouldn’t they be cheering at a football game? As I always do when it come to things involving cheerleaders, I asked my sister Erin if any of this made sense to her. Erin suggested that I not worry about it because it’s The Love Boat. And really, she has a point. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders marching onto the boat in full uniform and practicing their routines by the pool makes about as much sense as 11 year-old Vicki suddenly living on a cruise ship. With The Love Boat, you just have to kind of go with it.

The Cheerleaders play themselves, with three of them getting storylines of their own and I will say that they all came across as being likable and natural in their performances. I always kind of dread any episode that features celebrities playing themselves because just because someone is famous, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be a good actor. (I still remember all of those stiff basketball player cameos on Hang Time.) But the cheerleaders all do a good job, even if none of them are given particularly challenging roles.

Stacy (Tami Barber), for instance, is shocked when Mark Scott (Stephen Shortridge) boards the cruise. Mark was someone who pursued her in Dallas but she wanted nothing to do with him. However, on the boat, Mark shows that he’s a nice guy underneath his smooth exterior. He even choreographs a new routine for the charity performance. Good for him!

Wendy Ames (Gaye Carter) boards the boat with her mother, Helen (Dina Merrill) and Helen’s boyfriend, Bill (William Windom). Helen gets jealous of the amount of time that Wendy and Bill are spending together and, when she sees the two of them looking at wedding rings, she decides that they’re having an affair! No, Helen — Bill wants to marry you! This whole storyline was silly, to be honest. Helen just came across as being unnaturally paranoid.

Lisa (Kim Kilway) meets and falls for Paul (Bill Daily), who is the newest vice president of the greeting card company that is sponsoring the cruise. Paul loves Lisa to but he has a problem. He’s traveling with his fake family! Why does Paul have a fake family? Apparently, Paul’s boss (John Hillerman) only hires family men. (That sounds like a lawsuit in the making.) Paul recruited a fake wife (Roz Kelly), mother (Patsy Kelly), and son (Jackie Earle Haley, who appears to be having a lot of fun playing bratty) to pretend to be his family. The truth comes out, of course. Fortunately, Lisa is remarkably forgiving and Paul avoids getting fired by promising to marry and start a family with Lisa as quickly as possible. Again, this all sounds like the beginning of Supreme Court case.

Among the non-cheerleaders, Lou (Larry Linville) and Nora (Gunilla Hutton) are two jewel thieves who board the boat so that they can find some diamonds they hid the last time they took a cruise. They hid the diamonds in a lamp and it turns out that the lamp is now in the possession of a member of the crew. This leads to Nora flirting with Gopher, Isaac, and Doc and then quickly abandoning them once it becomes clear that they don’t have the lamp. (These scenes were fun, largely because of Gunilla Hutton’s comedic timing.) Finally, Lou and Nora get the diamonds but they have a change of heart and, along with declaring their love for each other, Lou and Nora also donate the $500,000 that they’re going to make from selling the diamonds to the orphanage! Yay! Assuming that Lou and Nora don’t get arrested while trying to fence the stolen merchandise, the orphanage will greatly benefit.

Meanwhile, an acerbic theatrical critic (Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.) tries to get an actress (Ginger Rogers) to agree to appear in his new play. In the end, they realize they’re in love and Ginger Rogers sings Love Will Keep Us Together.

There was a lot going on in this episode but it was enjoyably silly in the way that the best episodes of The Love Boat usually are. It was excessive and ridiculous, but fun. On The Love Boat could you get Jackie Earle Haley mocking his fake father while Ginger Rogers sang a song. This was an enjoyable episode and it did Dallas proud.