Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.6 “Aliens Ate My Homework”

Posted on November 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Café, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Nightmare Café comes to an end!

Episode 1.6 “Aliens Ate My Homework”

(Dir by Wes Craven, originally aired on April 3rd, 1992)

When it came to the sixth episode of Nightmare Café, I don’t know if executive producer Wes Craven knew that it was going to be the final episode of the series when he decided to direct it. It would be nice to think that Craven decided to say goodbye to the series by sitting in the director’s chair but the realities of network television make that doubtful. It’s probably just a coincidence that the final episode of the series was directed by Wes Craven but it still feels appropriate. Not only did Wes Craven create the series but he was directed the movie that made Robert Englund a big enough star that NBC was actually willing to make him the star and narrator of a prime time show.

(It’s interesting to consider that playing a viscous child murderer turned Robert Englund into a beloved pop culture legend but it says something about the natural friendliness that Englund projected that audiences still liked him even after he became most identified with playing the man of everyone’s nightmares.)

It’s a rather playful episode, one that eschews the drama and horror of the first five episodes for some rather broad comedy. It’s also the episode that features the most narration from Blackie, as he both tells us what’s happening and also provides some commentary on the actions of the people in the story. Robert Englund really seems to enjoy playing the character in this episode and it’s fun to watch him.

The episode focuses on tabloid reporter Harry Tambor (Bobby Slayton), who has been ordered by his new editor to hit the road and find an amazing story. As ordered, Harry hits the road and, while driving through the country, he happens to pick up three little people (Jimmy Briscoe, Kevin Thompson, and Arturo Gil) who claim to be Romanian circus performers. Harry’s new friends inform him that the town he is approaching has been the site of several mysteries disappearances. It’s not humans disappearing, though. It’s cows!

Since Bobby’s new editor just happens to be Blackie in disguise, it’s not a surprise that the town is not just home to a bunch of cows but also the Nightmare Café. In fact, we learn that Harry is Frank’s favorite writer. Fay thinks that you can’t believe anything that you read in the tabloids, which is a pretty judgmental attitude to have when you’re working in an extra-dimensional café that can randomly materialize anywhere.

Anyway, while stopping in the café for cup of coffee, Harry comes up with the brilliant idea to fake a UFO invasion. He sends away for not only a fake flying saucer but also alien costumes that the Romanian circus performers agree to wear. Harry fakes his UFO invasion but it causes a complete panic in the town and soon, Sheriff Filcher (Don S. Davis, best-known for playing Major Briggs on Twin Peaks) and the townspeople are looking to lynch the invaders. Unfortunately, the Sheriff believes that the aliens are the folks working at the newly arrived Nightmare Café. Who can blame him, really? I mean, the place just showed up from out of nowhere!

As I said a few paragraphs ago, there’s nothing particularly serious about this episode of Nightmare Café. Almost every plot development is played for laughs and there’s really not a subtle moment to be found in the entire episode. We don’t really think of Wes Craven as being a comedic director, though all of his films displayed a certain subversive wit. Craven does well-enough with the comedy in this show, though one gets the feeling that, if the episode had been any longer than 45 minutes, all of the running around and yelling would have gotten a bit exhausting to watch. The comedy may be broad but everyone in the episodes — from Robert Englund to Don S. Davis — appears to be having fun and that goes a long way towards keeping things entertaining.

This episodes ends on a slightly different note than the other episodes of Nightmare Café. Each character gets a title card, which explains what happened to them after the episode ended. First, we learn about what has happened to the reporter, the circus performers, and the sheriff. Then, the final title card informs us that Frank and Fay are still working at the Nightmare Cafe and they hope we’ll stop by if we’re in the area. It’s a nice way to wrap up the series.

This was the final episode of Nightmare Café. It was a fun show to watch and review. Nightmare Café felt as if it was a bit before its time. The show’s anthology format and it’s horror-themed stories would have made it a natural fit for the streaming era. Unfortunately, it aired during the age of network television dominance and apparently, it never found an audience. It’s a shame, because Jack Coleman, Lindsay Frost, and Robert Englund really did make for an intriguing team.

Next week, I’ll be reviewing something new in this time slot. Who knows what it will be? Certainly not me! I have a few shows that I’m considering for Monday and Tuesday so we’ll see what happens.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.9 “The Great McCarthy”

Posted on November 6, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week is all about boats!

Episode 1.9 “The Great McCarthy”

(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, originally aired on November 16th, 1984)

The people behind Miami Vice really liked speedboats.

That’s the best explanation that I come up with for The Great McCarthy, an episode in which the majority of the running time is taken up by scenes of people racing boats. Even after Crockett, Tubbs, and Zito (John Diehl, getting to do more than usual) figure out how Louis McCarthy (William Gray Espy) is using his boats to smuggle drugs into Miami, their main concern remains winning the race that they’ve entered.

And there’s certainly nothing wrong with that. After a run a grim and dark episodes, The Great McCarthy was a nice change of pace, a reminder that it’s okay to have a little bit of fun. For the most part, this was a light and airy episode, featuring scenes of boats skimming across the ocean while Born To Be Wild plays on the soundtrack. This episode also featured a very 80s party scene and not one but two weaselly informants!

The first informant was Izzy Moreno (Martin Ferrero), a talkative thief who, it turned out, had done some work for Louis McCarthy. The second informant was Dale Gifford (Charles McCaughan), a crooked accountant who is helping to launder money for not just Louis but also Louis’s girlfriend, Vanessa (Maria McDonald). Izzy will apparently be returning in the future. Gifford will not as he ended up getting shot in the back of the head. Crockett and Tubbs originally assumed McCarthy was the killer but, as Izzy reveals towards the end of the episode, it was actually Vanessa.

By this time, of course, Vanessa has already moved on from McCarthy and is now sleeping with Tubbs. Crockett warns Tubbs that he’s getting in too deep with Vanessa but Tubbs replies that he’s got it all under control, almost as if he doesn’t remember that almost the exact same thing happened when they went down to the Bahamas to take out Calderone. When the police show up to arrest Vanessa, Tubbs insists on doing it himself. “I have to,” he tells her. He’s a cop, after all.

Okay, so that ending was a little bit downbeat but, for the most part, this was just a fun episode of Miami Vice, one that didn’t require too much thought and which kept the existential dread to a minimum. Probably the best scene in the episode didn’t even involve McCarthy or Vanessa but instead centered around Gina and Trudy arresting a philosophy professor who sold cocaine on the side. (The professor was played by Richard Liberty, who also appeared in George Romero’s The Crazies and Day of the Dead.) Gina and especially Trudy have been underused on this show so it was nice to finally see them getting to do their jobs and proving themselves to be just as effective as Tubbs and Crockett.

I do have to admit that I’m still kind of confused as to how Crockett is managing to maintain his cover as a criminal when almost every other petty criminal in Miami knows that he’s actually a cop. If Izzy could figure it out, why not Louis McCarthy? Perhaps McCarthy wasn’t so great after all.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.8 “Nothing To Fear”

Posted on November 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

On tonight’s episode …. hey, it’s Spike!

Episode 1.8 “Nothing to Fear”

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on March 8th, 1987)

This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High is important because it’s the first to prominently feature the character of Christine Nelson. Played by Amanda Stepto, Christine was better known as Spike, because of the punk rock-inspired hairstyle that she wore throughout Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High. Even when she appeared with far more conventional hair on Degrassi: The Next Generation, she was still frequently referred to her by her nickname.

Fans of the Degrassi franchise know that Spike is destined to get pregnant after having sex with her ill-fated junior high boyfriend. They know that Spike is going to keep her daughter and that Emma Nelson is going to be the main character for the first few seasons of Degrassi: The Next Generation. And, of course, Spike is destined to eventually marry Snake. Most of that won’t happen for a while. On this week’s episode, she’s mostly present as a study partner of Voula’s (Niki Kemeny) and L.D.’s (Amanda Cook). When L.D.’s father has a heart attack, Spike and Voula visit him at the hospital but L.D. keeps finding excuses not to.

That may seem selfish on L.D.’s part but L.D. has been terrified of hospitals ever since her mother passed away. L.D. finds excuses not to go to the hospital, from cleaning the kitchen to helping out at her father’s garage. I knew exactly what L.D. was going through, as I’ve also hated hospitals ever since my mom passed away and it’s always a struggle for me to find the courage to step through the front doors of one of them. My Dad has been dealing with Parkinson’s for the past few years and I often do drive him to his doctor appointments so I’ve had to set aside my fear and dislike of them so that I can help him when he needs the help but my nerves still go into overdrive as soon as I step into one of those places.

Anyway, Voula does eventually talk to L.D. about her fear of going to the hospital and L.D. finally finds the courage to visit her father. She arrives just as he’s being released to go back home. So, for once, Voula actually helped someone out. I still think she’s been way too unfair to Stephanie during this season but I’m sure we’ll return to that story in an upcoming episode.

Meanwhile, Yick and Arthur accidentally set free the school snake and they have to spend the entire episode looking for it. It was a bit of silly subplot and I get the feeling that it was included to keep the episode from feeling too grim. That said, the snake silliness really didn’t seem to fit with the scenes of L.D. struggling to come to terms with losing her mother and potentially losing her father.

As the episode ends, L.D.’s father says, “If you think hospitals are scary, try being the father of a teenage daughter.” Apparently, not even a heart attack can defeat dad humor.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.5 “Everyone’s A Winner”

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Bingo turns dangerous!

Episode 1.5 “Everyone’s A Winner”

(Dir by Gary Plaxton, originally aired on October 30th, 1985)

Jack Christian, the assistant manager of Cobb’s, has been assigned to oversee the store’s bingo promotion! He has handed out over 3,000 bingo cards to all of Cobb’s customers. Each day, a new number is drawn. The first person to get a bingo will win a free trip to …. GREECE!

Really, Greece? That seems kind of random, especially for a grocery store contest. It seems like it would be easier to just give the winner a discount or even a basket of free groceries. But no, the contest is for a free trip to Greece and everyone in Toronto is excited about it. However, when Murray the Stockboy takes a look at the bingo cards, he notices what everyone else has missed. All of the cards are identical. Apparently, in order to save some money, Christian gave the printing job not to the usual company that Cobb’s uses but instead to his cousin Lenny. And now, once the number 35 is called, 3,000 people will be demanding a free trip to Greece.

Well, that could be a problem.

Another problem is that, when two blind men shop in the store at the same time, the leashes of their service animals get tangled. Security guard Alf untangles the leashes but he gives the wrong dog to each man. The men don’t notice because they’re blind. That said, one of the dogs is considerably larger than the other and that really does seem like something that one should be able to sense, even without eyesight. The dogs lead each man to the wrong home. One man is injured when he falls in a pool. The other man has sex with first man’s wife three times. Now, both men want to sue Cobb’s! Howard’s genius solution is to give both men a shopping cart and telling them to fill it up for free. However, the two men’s dogs end up running through the store, knocking over the bingo machine, and causing the bingo balls to scatter all over the place.

Yay! For some reason, that means the bingo promotion is canceled and everyone totally accepts it because Canadians are nice people. Seriously, if they tried that in the States, the store would have burned to the ground….

Actually, one of the more interesting things about Check It Out! is that the show never specifically says that it’s taking place in Canada, even though it obviously is. Almost every member of the cast has a Canadian accent. All of the measurements make use of the metric system. And yet the show itself will often toss in random references to places and people in the U.S. For instance, Edna has a sister who lives in Florida. In this episode, Howard makes a reference to Ronald Reagan’s economic policies. One gets the feeling that the show’s producers hoped to fool Americans watching in syndication into thinking that this very Canadian show was actually taking place in the U.S. It reminds me a bit of how Italian actors and directors would often be credited with stereotypically “American” name in order to hide the fact that a film was an Italian production.

As for this week’s episode, Jeff Pustil’s portrayal of Christian’s growing desperation was amusing. Most of the episode’s jokes, however, fell flat. I’ve noticed that this show repeatedly uses the same joke structure. Someone will say something outrageous and then Howard will repeat it in a slightly shrill tone. It gets old after the 10tth times it happens. Admittedly, hhere was some potential to the story. (Check out The Office’s “Golden Ticket” episode for an example of this type of story done effectively.) But having everything resolved via a random case of Dues Ex Machina just felt like laziness on the part of the writers.

I guess the lesson here is that you’ll have to pay your own way to Greece.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 10/29/23 — 11/4/23

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, Horrorthon is over and I’m trying to get caught up on all the shows that I have waiting for me on the DVR and on all the streaming services. It’ll probably take a while for me to watch all of it but that’s okay. I always enjoy a good excuse to just sit on the couch for a few hours.

Here’s a few notes on what I watched this week!

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I can’t wait to get caught up on the latest season of The Amazing Race! I watched the latest episode on Wednesday and I’m glad that the team that got U-turned still managed to survive and make it to the pit stop in time. I’ve never been a fan of the U-turn and I always lose a little respect for teams that choose to use it. Of course, this season, it appears that the teams have not been given the option of opting out.

Big Brother 25 (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

Yay! This season is nearly over. Seriously, this is one of the all-time worst seasons of a show that really has never been that good to begin with. I’ve been writing about Big Brother over at the Reality TV Chat Blog!

Check It Out (Tubi)

I watched the 5th episode of this Canadian sitcom earlier today. Unless I get too tired to write it up, my review should drop in a few more hours.

Dirty Pair Flash (YouTube)

I watched another episode of this anime on Friday night. I couldn’t really follow the plot but everyone had really neat hair and a lot of stuff blew up. It was stylish and fun in its own incoherent way.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

I used several episodes of Dr. Phil as background noise this week. I quickly got used to the sound of him yelling about being trained in forensics.

Friday the 13th (YouTube)

I wrote about Friday the 13th here!

Get Gotti (Netflix)

Get Gotti is a three-episode crime docudrama about the efforts to put mobster John Gotti in jail. It’s a story that I’ve heard before but John Gotti was an intriguing figure and the docuseries did a good job of contrasting Gotti’s flamboyant charisma with the somewhat more low-key people who spent years trying to put him in prison. New York in the 80s will always be a fascinating topic.

Gun (Tubi)

I wrote about Gun here!

Highway to Heaven (Tubi)

I wrote about Highway to Heaven here!

Jennifer Slept Here (YouTube)

Here, I wrote about Jennifer Slept Here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Monsters (Tubi)

I wrote about Monsters here!

Nightmare Café (YouTube)

I wrote about the next-to-final episode of this series here!

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about Survivor here!

T and T (Tubi)

I wrote about T and T here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Yes, Prime Minister (PBS, Monday Morning)

The second season started with Sir Humphrey getting rid of a troublesome cabinet secretary by tricking Jim into thinking the secretary was planning to launch a leadership challenge. What’s funny is that the secretary was viewed as being a threat because of his radical employment policies but, once he had been manipulated it resigning, Jim decided to continue the secretary’s plan and just take credit for it himself. No one won but it was very funny.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back, Kotter 2.18 “Whatever Happened To Arnold? Part One”

Posted on November 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we have the start of a two-part story!

Episode 2.18 “Whatever Happened to Arnold? Part One”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 3rd, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a skin diver. His name was Mike Nelson Kotter. One day, Mike was shocked to see a guy go down 40 feet without equipment. When Mike demanded to know what the guy was doing, the guy replied, “You jerk! I’m drowning!”

At school, Epstein amuses the Sweathogs by doing his Mr. Kotter impersonation.

Gabe walks in on Epstein’s routine but he’s not upset because it actually gives him the perfect excuse to tell the Sweathogs about the school drama festival. He needs some volunteers to appear in one scene from a play, which Gabe will direct.

“Acting is stupid,” Barbarino says, “Pretending to be somebody else.”

Horshack disagrees and shows off his acting skills by falling to his knees and declaring his love for Freddie. Freddie proceeds to do his Harry Belafonte impersonation which leads to Barbarino ripping his t-shirt and shouting, “Stella!” before Gabe then does his Vito Corleone impersonation and compliments Barbarino’s Marlon Brando.

“I was doing John Wayne,” Barbarino replies.

Realizing that Horshack actually is serious about wanting to act, Gabe offers to direct Horshack in a scene from Cyrano de Bergerac. Of course, Horshack’s co-star will be Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), who goes to Mr. Woodman to complain about having to work with a Sweathog, though she should be used to it by now as she ends up having to work with them every time that she appears on the show. Woodman tells Judy to do what he does and imagine that she’s a missionary and the Sweathogs are a bunch of cannibals preparing to eat her.

“Throw me into the pot! THROW ME INTO THE POT!” Woodman starts yelling.

Later, when Woodman sees Horshack in costume and carrying a sword, Woodman shouts that Kotter is “arming the Sweathogs!” before adding, “Call out the national guard!” Poor old Woodman.

Unfortunately, Gabe’s attempts to hold rehearsal are interrupted by Barbarino, Freddie, and Epstein, who all show up and proceed to heckle Horshack and Judy. First Judy storms off. That’s to be expected because that’s what Judy always does. But then Horshack gets angry, yells that he’s trying to do something good for all the Sweathogs, and storms off the stage.

The next day, there has still been no sign of Horshack. Freddie, Epstein, and Barbarino tell Gabe that they broke into Horshack’s house but didn’t see any sign of him or his family. With Horshack missing, that means someone is going to have to put on the fake noise and play Cyrano in his place.

“Stella!” Barbarino shouts.

Anyway, the day of the drama festival comes and Barbarino …. well, he’s not a very good Cyrano. He forgets his lines. He talks back to the audience. He and Judy argue in the middle of the scene. He dances while delivering the few lines that he does remember. He ends the scene by falling to his knees and screaming, “Stella!” But it doesn’t matter because he’s a young John Travolta and he’s absolutely adorable with his fake nose. The audiences loves him but Barbarino says that the moment feels hollow because this should have been Arnold’s moment.

“Where could he be?” Freddie asks.

“I don’t know,” Gabe says, “but I think the problem is something more serious than this play. But what?”

And, on that rather ominous note, this episode ends. Fear not, we’ll learn what happened to Horshack in the next episode. For now, let’s just remember that John Travolta did a very convincing Brando and a very amusing Cyrano. The entire cast of this show did a good job (and I especially enjoy John Sylvester White’s weekly descent into insanity) but episodes like this remind us of why John Travolta is the one who went on to become the biggest star.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th 1.5 “Hellowe’en”

Posted on November 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

Tonight, we have the first Halloween episode of Friday the 13th: The Series!

Episode 1.5 “Hellowe’en”

(Dir by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 26th, 1987)

Somehow, it was not until I watched this episode that I noticed that the Friday the 13th antique shop is names Curious Goods. I guess that’s a good name for a cursed antique shop. (It’s probably more inviting than going with something more honest, like Evil Junk.) Certainly, it appears that it was good enough to keep the place open, even though the owners spent most of their time taking back the antiques from the people who bought them.

This episode takes place during a Halloween party. Is it a good idea to throw a Halloween party in a location that is full of cursed items? That’s the exact question that Micki asks Ryan but Ryan thinks that the store needs to do something to let the neighborhood know that it’s not as scary as it looks. Ryan is actually thinking like a businessman, whereas Micki is thinking like someone who just wants to find all of the cursed antiques so she can get back to planning her wedding. Personally, I think Micki has the right idea.

That said, it’s not a bad party. Ryan dresses up like a renaissance prince. Micki wears a black gown that is to die for. (I assume Micki is costumed as the lead singer of an 80s goth band.) Jack, who really should have been the voice of reason when Ryan first suggested the party, dresses up like a wizard. A lot of people from the neighborhood come to the shop and they watch as Jack performs some simple magic tricks. Unfortunately, the party is ruined when two dummies wander down to the basement and accidentally activated a crystal ball. The lights in the store go out. There are scary noises. Everyone abandons the shop, except for Ryan and Micki.

Where is Jack? He’s taking a mysterious little girl trick-or-treating, just to suddenly discover that the girl is actually a Satanic creature who was sent to distract him while the ghost evil uncle Lewis (R.G. Armstrong) confronted Ryan and Micki in the shop. Lewis, who is wandering around because the damned are apparently allowed to do so only on Halloween night, lies and says that he needs the amulet of Zohar so that he can free his wife from a curse but, after Ryan and Micki stupidly bring him the amulet, Lewis announces that the amulet will actually allow him to transfer his spirt into the body of someone who has recently died, as long as that person died from natural causes. Lewis is going to use the amulet to return permanently to the land of the living.

Lewis and the little demon girl head down to the local morgue. Fortunately, Jack has broken free of the trap that the demon put him in and Ryan and Micki have, for once, managed to figure out what’s happening on their own. Between the efforts of Jack, Ryan, and Micki and Lewis’s own pickiness when it comes to picking a body, Lewis’s time runs out and he is dragged back to Hell.

This was a fun episode. Not only did did it feature Ryan and Micki wearing their very 80s Halloween costumes but it also featured an enjoyably over-the-top performance from R.G. Armstrong as evil Uncle Lewis. All Halloween episodes should be as enjoyable as this one.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.23 “Working It Out” and 1.24 “Now You See It”

Posted on November 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, season one of T and T comes to a close!

Episode 1.23 “Working It Out”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on June 23rd, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “push turns to shove and shove turns to ugly as a battle of sexes rages at Decker’s gym.”

Of all of the supporting characters who have been featured during the first season of T and T, Decker (played by David Nerman) has been the most prominent. That makes sense when you consider that each first season episode features at least a few minutes of T.S. Turner throwing jabs in a boxing ring or hitting the punching bag in Decker’s Gym. Decker is T.S.’s best friend. He may not be smart but he is loyal.

This episode finds Decker in a bit of quandary because Jessie (Allison Mang) wants to join the gym but, when she brings in the membership fee, Decker is shocked to discover that Jessie can also be a girl’s name! Decker’s gym is full of men who like to walk around in towels and say stuff like, “Where do you think you’re going, little girl?” Decker says the gym is men only.

(Myself, I don’t know why anyone would want to join Decker’s shabby little gym, which looks like it reeks of sweat.)

Amy decides to sue for her right to use the gym and she hires Amy Taler. Amy sends T.S. Turner down to Decker’s gym to talk to him about letting Jessie join. Decker explains he has no problem with Jessie joining but gym bully Madigan (Kevin Lund) doesn’t want to any girls to join. How much of a bully is Madigan? His nickname is Mad Dog and he even accuses T.S. of “getting soft!”

Meanwhile, Amy informs Jessie that the gym is a public business and therefore anyone can join. She also points out that there are other gyms in Canada, some of which are co-ed and women only. Jessie says that Decker’s sweaty, shabby gym — which, I would add, has been the scene of several major crimes since this season began — is the closest to her house. Personally, I would happily add a few minutes to my trip so that I could join a gym that doesn’t look like the set of a bad 70s porno but what do I know?

“She’s effeminate, isn’t she?” Sophie asks Amy about Jessie.

“You mean a feminist?” Amy replies.

“Yeah,” Sophie nods.

Amy rolls her eyes without answering Sophie’s question. Personally, I’m wondering how Sophie went from being a computer expert in one episode to not knowing what a feminist is in this episode.

Back at the gym, Decker tries to talk Madigan into accepting Jessie as a member of the gym. Decker tells Madigan that the men of the gym will just have to stop walking around without any clothes on. “We’re working out and sweating!” Madigan replies, “It makes sense to walk around without any clothes on!” And maybe Madigan would have a point if he was living in ancient Sparta but this is Toronto!

Decker goes to the law office, to talk to Amy. Decker is worried that Madigan will kill Jessie. Amy suggests turning his gym into a private club so that he can bar women from joining and offers to draw up the papers for him. Whose side are you on, Amy!?

The next day, when Jessie shows up at the gym, Madigan and every guy in the gym walks out. Only T.S. Turner stays to support Decker and Jessie. When the guys fail to return the next day, Turner says, “Who cares? I’m here. Jessie’s here. Amy’s here.”

Decker points out that everyone who left is going to want a refund on their membership fees and he’s not going to have the money to keep the gym open. Decker will soon lose his business but at least Jessie didn’t have to spend an extra 5 or 10 minutes driving to a gym that doesn’t have a history of people being murdered in the locker rooms.

Later, when Jessie is out jogging, she’s approached by Madigan who explains that Turner has set up a “fitness test” at the gym to prove that Jessie has what it takes to be a member. Jessie hasn’t heard anything about this and — oh no! Is Madigan trying to trick Jessie into returning to the gym so that he and his evil friends can attack her!? No, actually, it turns out that Turner actually did set up the fitness test but no one bothered to tell Jessie, which would seem to defeat the purpose of the whole thing.

(Amy says that Jessie left the gym before giving Turner a chance to explain his plan to her but why couldn’t he just call her and tell her? I mean, I know this show is set in Canada but surely Jessie has a phone. It’s not like they’re in Manitoba.)

Later, Amy takes Jessie to the gym, where Turner is waiting. “Oh, Amy!” Turner says, “That’s a nice dress you have on. You got plans?”

“Dinner date,” Amy says.

“Don’t stay out too late,” Turner growls.

Anyway, the fitness test ends in a tie, which means that Jessie didn’t beat Madigan. This is a problem because, as Madigan points out, Turner specifically said that Jessie would have to win to join the gym. Jessie admits that “Mad Dog” Madigan is right. Decker suggests letting the membership vote. (Why didn’t you just do that to begin with, Decker!?) Madigan says he wants to fight Turner without gloves.

“Now I see why they call you Mad Dog,” Turner replies before removing his jacket in slow motion and then flattening Madigan with one punch.

So, Jessie gets to join the gym, all because one man knocked out another.

“You know, Jessie,” Amy says, “I think you may have started a revolution.”

Anyway, this was a silly episode. Jessie absolutely should have been allowed to join the gym, if she really wanted to spend her time at that ugly, foul-smelling hub of crime. But the episode’s main message appeared to be that you can accomplish anything as long as Mr. T is around to beat up anyone standing in your way.

Episode 1.24 “Now You See It”

(Dir by Patrick Loubert, originally aired on June 20th, 1988)

Amy — and not T.S. — provides the introduction for the finale episode of season one. “In this episode,” she tells us, “a psychic sees through a violent drug rip-off but no one is willing to listen.”

Despite not doing the intro for this episode, T.S. is still present. At the courthouse, after Amy wins an acquittal for a shoplifter named Billy (Simon Reynolds, the stockboy from one of the other Canadian shows that I’m reviewing for Retro Television Reviews, Check It Out.). T.S. tells Billy, “Look here, little brother, if you want to change your life, meet me at Decker’s Gym.” Is he going to try to set Billy up with Jessie? T.S. leaves to buy the Billy a sandwich, which means that Amy is alone when she meets Emma (Gwynneth Walsh), a psychic who wants to sue the the police for firing her because they didn’t like her vision of what happened when a heroin dealer was murdered in a warehouse.

Amy agrees to sue the police — specifically Detective Thompson (A.C. Peterson) — for being rude to the psychic. As she later tells T.S., it may seem like a small thing but it’s important to her. “Sometimes,” T.S. replies, “it’s the small things that matter.”

Thompson agrees to apologize to Emma. After he does so, Amy snaps, “You can stop playing the nice guy! You’re off the hook!” And, of course, Thompson isn’t a nice guy. He’s the one killing the drug dealers! T.S. figures this out when Billy tells him that he doesn’t want to deal drugs anymore because “the streets are dry” and T.S. has a series of black-and-white flashbacks to Thompson talking about the dead drug dealers.

Anyway, Thompson is captured and season one ends with an episode that attempted to cram 60 minutes worth of plot into just 30 minutes. Overstuffed episodes were a frequent issue when it came to T and T‘s first season.

The first season can best be described as being uneven. The show was at its best when it took advantage of Mr. T’s unique screen presence. Though he definitely didn’t have the greatest range as an actor, Mr. T did show some comedic timing. The show struggled whenever it didn’t focus on T.S. Turner and oddly, that happened in more than a few episodes, as if Mr. T wasn’t the main reason why anyone would be watching this show to begin with. As a character, there was nothing particularly consistent about Amy, who was sometimes brilliant and sometimes woefully naïve. The supporting cast was frequently underused, though Catherine Disher had a few funny moments as Sophie. Seen today, the show is a time capsule of Canada in the late 80s and that is perhaps the main reason to watch it.

Next week: season 2 begins!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.5 “Song of the Wild West”

Posted on November 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark go country!

Episode 1.5 “Song of the Wild West”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on October 17th, 1984)

This week’s episode of Highway to Heaven has a country music theme as Mark’s car ends up breaking down outside of a country-western bar.

I have to admit that I had mixed feelings about this theme. Quite frankly, country music is not my type of music. As I’ve explained in the past, my musical tastes run the gamut from EDM to more EDM. Country music has just never really done much for me, though I’ve done a line dance or two.

That said, I grew up all over the Southwest. I live in Texas. I’m a city girl but I knw what it’s like to walk through the high grass on a humid day. I know what it’s like to be woken up at sunrise by the sound of a rooster. I’ve ridden horses. I once milked a cow but I really didn’t enjoy it at all. I know the country and I like the people who live out in the country and, though I’m meant to live in a city, I still feel a bit of nostalgia whenever I see a farmhouse or a muddy pickup truck. This episode did have a legitimate country feel, which I appreciated.

Jonathan actually had a handful of missions in this episode. First off, he had to help Trudy Swenson (Joan Kjar) win the bar back from Nick Claybourne (Clifton James), the blowhard who won the bar in a rigged poker game from Trudy’s husband. Secondly, he had to help gas station owner Tim Higgins (Jerry Hardin) come to terms with the musical ambitions of his teenage daughter, Sara (Michele Greene). And finally, he had to help Sara reunite with her mother, an alcoholic country music star named Pasty Maynard (Ronee Blakely). And he had to do all this while also working as a bartender at the bar. Not only did Jonathan have to solve everyone’s emotional problems but he had to convince the local drunk to drink a cup of coffee as opposed to ordering another shot.

Mark doesn’t do much this week and I assume that’s because Victor French also directed the episode. As a result, everything pretty much falls on Jonathan and it almost feels as if he’s been given too much to do. Throughout the episode, he’s rushing back and forth between Tim, Trudy, and Patsy. Add to that the fact that the action stops for a minutes at a time so that Patsy and Sara can perform and you end up with an episode that feels a bit overstuffed.

This episode didn’t really work for me. I could appreciate the fact that the episode did a good job capturing the country milieu but country music just doesn’t do much for me. And this episode had a lot of country music.

Retro Television Review: Jennifer Slept Here 1.5 “Calendar Girl”

Posted on November 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we are reminded that Joey has the worst father in the world.

Episode 1.5 “Calendar Girl”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on November 18th, 1983)

So far, the episodes of Jennifer Slept Her that I’ve watched have focused on Jennifer’s friendship with Joey, the teenager who is the only person who can see her. Joey’s family has remained largely in the background, occasionally wondering why Joey is talking to himself.

This week’s episode serves to remind the viewer (and I’m going to use the singular for viewer here because I’m probably the only person in the world binging this show in 2023) that Joey’s father, George (played by Fiona Apple’s father, Brandon Maggart), is the worst person in the world.

George was Jennifer’s attorney when she was alive. Apparently, even when Jennifer was living and paying his salary, George didn’t think much of her. Starting with the very first episode, George has frequently described Jennifer as being a “tramp.” In the second episode, George was happy to allow an exploitive biopic of Jennifer to be filmed in his house, which used to be Jennifer’s house. Seriously, the fact that George hated Jennifer but then moved right into her mansion after she died tells us all we need to know about him. The show keeps trying to portray George as just being a typical bumbling sitcom Dad but, just judging from his actions, George is the devil.

This week’s episode finds George in a foul mood because the IRS is demanding that Jennifer’s back taxes be paid off. George decides to auction off a lot of Jennifer’s former possessions, including the stuff in the attic. Jennifer doesn’t have any problem with George selling her movie memorabilia but, as she tells Joey, the stuff in the attic is “personal.” Joey is torn because George has offered to give him a percentage of the auction’s profits if Joey finds stuff that they can sell. Joey really wants to go to Cancun for Spring Break but he needs $600.

Joey does go up to the attic but he promises not to put anything up for auction without Jennifer’s permission. When Joey finds a nude calendar featuring Jennifer amongst her possessions, Jennifer explains that it was something she did when she was a struggling actress and she would prefer the world not know about it. Joey agrees not to give the calendar to his Dad but George stumbles across it anyway and immediately starts yelling about how much money he’s going to make off of it.

Again, George is the worst human being on the planet.

Joey tells his father that “maybe we shouldn’t sell it.” George and Joey’s mother (played by Georgia Engel, who delivered her lines in such a soft voice that I could barely hear them) think that Joey just wants the poster for masturbatory purposes. George explains that the nude picture of Jennifer is the most valuable thing that they have to sell. George can’t wait to sell the calendar to a publisher.

Joey apologizes to Jennifer but says he can’t go against his father. Jennifer thinks about what a wonderful career she had and how now, she’s just going to be remembered for “hanging in every muffler shop in America.” Awwwww! George, you suck!

Luckily, George is also incredibly stupid. He gives Joey the responsibility of holding onto the calendar until the day of the auction. At the auction, Joey substitutes a picture of Jennifer as a baby for the calendar. Fortunately, the picture still sells for $22,000.

In the end, George says that he’s proud of Joey for standing up for what he believes in but we all know that George still sucks.

This is one of those episodes that really only worked because of the energetic performance of Ann Jillian, who was consistently better than the material that was given to her. A lot of the jokes would have fallen very flat if not for Jillian’s delivery and comedic timing. In the end, Jennifer kept her calendar and Joey presumably went to Cancun. And George …. well, let’s hope he found a shred of human decency somewhere in the house.