Perfect Profile (1989, directed by Jim C. Harris)


Brad Johnson (Tom Campitelli) is the millionaire owner of a manufacturing company and also the owner of Dallas’s basketball team.  (Even though this film was shot in Dallas, the team is never specifically referred to as being the Mavericks).  Brad’s company is a success and has just signed a contract with the Pentagon.  However, Brad is more concerned with why his team keeps losing games.  He goes to the “Fourth Floor,” the section of his corporate headquarters where nerdy Doc Alvins (Mike O’Dell) can use his computer, Delphi, to predict the future.  Brad has Mike program Delphi to compute what is wrong with his basketball team.  Delphi reports that the team needs a new point guard and that Brad should sign Terry Williams (Nancy Lieberman).  Terry becomes the first woman to play in the NBA!  She also sleeps with the team owner but she’s probably not the first player to do that.

Perfect Profile is a strange film.  Depending on the source, it was released in either 1989 or 1991 but it has the aesthetics of a film that was shot a few ears earlier, maybe around 1984 or 1985.  The boxy computers and the cheap graphics come straight from the late 70s and early 80s and, with his taped glasses and pocket protector, Dr. Alvins is a dead ringer for Robert Carradine in Revenge of the Nerds.  The film is technically a comedy but a scene in which the computer suggests that the ideal point guard would be a black version of Larry Bird is about as edgy as things get.  With one key exception, the actors often seem to be lost.  I’m going to guess this was a regional production and that the majority of the cast and crew were locals.

Nancy Lieberman, who played Terry, is considered to be one of the greatest players in the history of women’s basketball.  She played for the Dallas Diamonds in 1984, which is how she probably ended up in this movie.  Lieberman is likable as Terry and she brings some authenticity to the basketball scenes.  The film may not have been good but Nancy Lieberman did her best.

 

 

No Safe Haven (1987, directed by Ronnie Rondell Jr.)


A group of drug dealers try to pressure football player Buddy Harris (Tom Campitelli) into throwing the big game.  Buddy fakes an injury to get out of playing so the dealers murder not only Buddy but also his mother and his younger brother.  Big mistake!  Buddy’s older brother, Clete (Wings Hauser), is a CIA agent who is working as a listener in Honduras.  Clete returns home and, with the help of an arms dealer (Robert Tessier, playing a good guy for change), Clete hunts down and kills everyone who killed his family.  Clete not only gets revenge for his family but he also heads down to Bolivia to show the syndicate that, for them, there is no safe haven!

This is one of the ultimate Wings Hauser films, one that he both wrote and starred in.  When Clete seeks revenge, he doesn’t mess around.  One gunman gets set on fire while standing on his balcony.  (He can either burn to death on the balcony or he can jump to a quicker death below.  Either way, Clete’s going to take a lot of pictures)  Wings chases the villains down with speedboats and helicopters and he does it all with a slight smirk that suggests he’s not only getting revenge but he’s also having the time of his life.  This is Wings Hauser at his most demented and he’s playing the hero!  Luckily, the villains are even crazier than Wings.  I have to make a special mention of Branscombe Richmond, laughing and yelling and killing in a way that you would never expect if you only knew him from Renegade.

This is Wings Hauser at his best, in a movie that’s mean, violent, and never less than compelling.  Clete kills a lot of people but it’s okay because, to quote True Lies, they were all bad.  Wings throws himself into the role with his trademark intensity and shows why no one’s safe from Clete Harris.  I’m going to miss Wings Hauser.  Only he could have played Clete Harris.  Only he could have made No Safe Haven the B-action classic of 1987.