Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.22 and 5.23 “Pride of the Pacific/The Viking’s Son/Separate Vacations/The Experiment/Getting to Know You”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, a special two-hour Love Boat sets sail for Alaska and adventure!

Episode 5.22 and 5.23 “Pride of the Pacific/The Viking’s Son/Separate Vacations/The Experiment/Getting to Know You”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, Originally aired on March 6th, 1982)

The Pacific Princess is sailing to Alaska!

The Sea Princess, commanded by the strict and haughty Gunner Nordquist (Ted Knight), is also sailing to Alaska.  Steve Bloom (Sonny Bono) of the Cruise Ship Association has arranged for a series competitions between the crews of the two ships.  At each stop, the rival crews will compete in races, tree-sawing, tug-of-war, and wrestling.  The crew that wins the most competitions will receive a trophy.  All of the passengers are really excited about it, though I’m not sure why.  I would not want to spend my vacation watching a bunch of strangers take part in a competition that has nothing to do with me.

Gunner is determined to win.  Stubing is determined to have fun.  Or, at least, he is until his crew is absolutely humiliated during the second competition.  When he learns that Gunner has brought in a bunch of ringers, Stubing becomes determined to win at all costs.  Only the tears of Vicki can reveal to Stubing that he’s becoming a monster.  Stubing realizes that he’s been pushing too hard and he apologizes to his crew.  At the final stop, Stubing suggests a dog sled race between him and Gunner.  Gunner agrees.  Steve Bloom says it’s okay.  The crowd is excited for some reason.  In the end, Gunner wins the dog sled race and the competition but only because Stubing kindly refuses to take advantage of an accident that occurs during the race.  Gunner announces that the trophy properly belongs to Stubing and his crew.  Gunner also says that it’s okay if his son (Woody Brown) wants to become a cruise director instead of a navigator.  I’m glad that all worked out….

Actually, this whole storyline made no sense to me.  Beyond the fact that the passengers were oddly excited about the whole thing, I really didn’t see the point of making the members of the crew compete in stuff like tug-of-war and wrestling.  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to compete to see who could be the first to reach the next port?  I appreciated that at least some of this episode was shot on location.  The Alaskan scenery was lovely but the whole competition storyline was just weird.

There were other storylines, of course.  A couple played Charles Nelson Reilly and Charlotte Rae spent the entire cruise in their cabin, getting to know each other because they fell in love at first sight and they wanted to make sure they can handle marriage.  (I can think of one big reason why Charlotte Rae marrying Charles Nelson Reilly might not work out but, this being The Love Boat, it never comes up.)  Two Harvard researchers (John James and Mary Crosby) tried to come up with a pill that would make shy Dave (Douglas Barr) irresistible to women.  Both of those stories were pretty boring.  John James was handsome so the show had that going for it.

Slightly more interesting was the story of Harry Meacham (Tom Bosley) and his wife, Dorothy (Michele Lee).  As they’re in the process of divorcing, Harry sails on The Sea Princess while Dorothy board the Pacific Princess.  Of course, Doc makes his move as soon he realizes the Dorothy will soon be single.  While Dorothy has a chaste fling Doc, Harry has a chaste fling with massage therapist Britta (Priscilla Barnes).  Eventually, Harry and Dorothy realize they still love each other.  Awwww!  Yay!  This story was sweet.

Otherwise, this was not the most memorable cruise to Alaska that the Love Boat has ever taken.  Next week, let’s hope for no musicals and no athletic competitions.  Come on, Love Boat, we all know why we’re here!

Scene That I Love: Jack Webb Sets The Hippies Straight


Today’s scene that I love comes from a 1968 episode of the iconic cop show, Dragnet.  A group of hippies want to leave the United States and start their own country.  Joe Friday (Jack Webb) and Bill Gannon (Harry Morgan) set them straight!

It’s always kind of easy to laugh a little at these episodes of Dragnet because it’s obvious that Webb had never actually met or dealt with any real hippies.  But I don’t know.  This episode, entitled The Big Departure, and this speech still feels relevant, even if I doubt it actually changed the mind of anyone planning on starting their own nation.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.11 “The Phoenix”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

A serial arsonist is setting Malibu on fire so, of course, the bike patrol is called in.

Episode 1.11 “The Phoenix”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on May 11th, 1996)

Fires are breaking out all over Malibu.  Whoever the arsonist is, he seems to be targeting a shady businessman named Curtis Bilson (Michael Cavanaugh).  TC and Chris decide to start investigating the arsons themselves, even though neither one of them is in the arson division.  “Bike patrol?” the arson detective asks, when he first meets them.  However, because everyone respects Lt. Palermo, TC and Chris are allowed to investigate.  Chris, being a former jet pilot, is naturally an expert on accelerants.  “Smells like jet fuel.”  Wow, really?

(Basically, this is the equivalent of allowing a school crossing guard to head up the search for a serial killer.)

A surfer named Suicide (Sam Hennings) insists that he saw the fire being set by The Phoenix, a legendary arsonist who the police consider to be dead.  His real name was Willoughby (Tim DeZarn) and the official story is that he got caught in one of his own fires and his body was reduced to ash and that’s why he disappeared without leaving a trace behind.  That seems awfully convenient and really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it but, then again, Malibu has their bike patrol investigating a serial arsonist.  We’re through the looking glass here.

(Myself, I’m concerned by the fact that no one seems to find it weird that their source is nicknamed “Suicide.”  I’m going to guess that’s a surfer thing but still, I cringed every time TC said, “My friend, Suicide….”)

TC and Chris’s investigation leads them to Dr. Anton (Dennis Christopher), an arsonist who is currently in a mental hospital.  They try to do a Lecter/Clarice thing between Anton and Chris.  Dennis Christopher is a good actor and it appears that he was having fun playing a thoroughly demented character.  Jim Davidson and Darlene Vogel were very bad actors and it seems almost unfair to force them to share a scene like Dennis Christopher.  It’s like giving me a chance to play tennis on national television and then telling me, right when the cameras start rolling, that I’m going to be playing against the Williams sisters.  It’s just adding insult to injury.

Anyway, it turns out Willoughby is still alive and he’s targeting the businessman and he also kidnaps Lt. Palermo for some reason.  Chris and TC are able to save Palermo and the crooked guy from the inferno and Willoughby once again vanishes.  Because, of course, he does….

Meanwhile, Cory tries to catch a man who keeps bringing a snake to the boardwalk.  At one point, she accidentally gets doused in a wet t-shirt contest.  She’s win the trophy and then come back to the station without bothering to change shirts, which kind of goes against everything we’ve seen about Cory’s personality up until this point.  For some reason, Palermo also puts Cory in charge of catch a mouse that’s running around the station.  The snake, once captured, eats the mouse but then gets lost in the station.  That made me laugh just because I like it whenever its acknowledged that the bike patrol is totally incompetent.

Next week …. Chris has a new boyfriend!  Dr. Anton, maybe?  We’ll find out!

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.14 “Wheeling”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Things get weird in California.

Episode 3.14 “Wheeling”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

This is one of those weird episodes where Ponch and Jon just keep running into the same people over and over again.

Artie (Paul Gale), Don (Ray Vittie), and Alan (Ron Lombard) are all in wheelchairs but they’re not going to let that stop them from enjoying life and, far more dangerously, playing tag while driving on the highway.  Artie’s van taps Alan’s car.  Alan taps Don’s car.  Don tries to tap Artie’s van.  It’s dangerous and Ponch and Jon, when they see it, promptly pull the three men over.  Ponch is impressed with Artie’s joie d’vivre.  As usual, Baker is less impresses and is like, “You — of all people! — should understand the danger!”  (I swear, poor Larry Wilcox.  While Erik Estrada got to smile through each episode, it always fell on Wilcox to be the killjoy.)

That said, both Jon and Ponch came to admire Artie and his determination to make sure that all of his wheelchair-bound friends get the most out of life.  They even help Artie present a fancy new wheelchair to Brent (David Gilliam), a surfer who has not been able to bring himself to leave the hospital ever since he learned that he will never walk again.

Artie and the gang help out Jon and Ponch as well.  Jon and Ponch are searching for a blue car that was involved in a street race that left one teenager with a broken leg.  The teenager’s father, Harry (Taylor Lacher), has been speeding up and down the freeway, searching for the car.  Harry even made a citizens arrest, though Delgado (Fil Formicola) had an alibi for the time that Harry’s son was injured.  While Delgado makes plans to sue Harry for false arrest. Artie happens to spot the blue car that Jon and Ponch are looking for.  Way to go, Artie!

But then, after all of this, Artie and his friends decide to race on Harry’s street.  Harry goes crazy.  He jumps in his car and takes off after Artie’s van, not realizing that Artie was the one who helped the police catch the guy who hit Harry’s son.  It leads to a huge accident at a construction site.  The van flips over.  Harry’s car flips over.  Harry breaks his leg.  Artie’s breaks both of his arms.  The judge sentences Harry to serve as Artie’s manservant until Artie’s arms heal.  Everyone has a good laugh, including Harry.

What a weird episode!  I mean, its heart was definitely in the right place.  The whole point of the episode was that Artie and his friends were just as capable as anyone who could walk.  That’s a good message.  But, then, out of nowhere, Artie is suddenly involved in a street race and Harry is trying to crash into his van.  And then, at the end of it, everyone finds it all to be terrifically amusing.  And somehow, Ponch and Jon manage to be at the scene of every incident involved Harry, Artie, and Artie’s friends.  Like, seriously, what are the odds?  There are other highway patrolmen in California.

Again, a strange episode.  As always, the scenery was nice.  It’s always fun to see what the world looked like in 1979.  And I appreciated that this episode made a strong case for people not taking it upon themselves to make a citizens arrest because, seriously, people who do that tend to be so obnoxious.

Anyway, I enjoyed it.  It was just weird enough to be fun.  Drive safely out there!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.22 “Viking Bikers From Hell”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, it’s Reb Brown vs Don Johnson!

Episode 3.22 “Viking Bikers From Hell”

(Dir by James Quinn, originally aired on April 3rd, 1987)

Biker Reb Gustafson (Reb Brown) has been released in prison, just in time to seek vengeance for the death of his mentor, The Wire.  The Wire was killed in a drug deal gone bad so Reb decides to just track down every dealer that The Wire did business with during the final two weeks of his life and kill every one of them.  Working with Lascoe (John Matuszak) and Toad (Sonny Landham), Reb cuts a trail of terror through Miami’s underground.  Soon, there’s only one name left on the list …. SONNY BURNETT!

At this point, of course, everyone in Miami should know that Sonny Burnett is actually Sonny Crockett.  I’ve lost track of how many time Crockett and Tubbs have gotten their undercover identities blown.  Usually, the people who figure out that Sonny and Rico are undercover end up dying almost immediately afterwards.  But a few of their enemies have survived and it’s odd that they never seem to bother to tell anyone, “Hey, those guys are actually cops.”

This episode of Miami Vice is violent that it verges on self-parody.  (I guess that’s to be expected as the script was written by the great John Milius,  Milius was credited as “Walter Kurtz.”)  Reb Brown is an amusing actor.  He never showed much emotion but he always looked believable whenever he was relentlessly tracking down someone that he wanted to kill.  Brown is both this episode’s greatest strength and its greatest weakness.  As played Brown, Reb Gustasfson barely flinches when he gets shot.  He’s a relentless killing machine, the terminator on a motorcycle.  That does certainly make him an intimidating figure.  At the same time, this episode also features Reb Brown doing his signature yelling and, for me, it was hard to watch this episode without thinking about all the close-up, high-pitched screaming that he did in Space Mutiny.

Tubbs ends up in the hospital in this one.  An attack by Reb and his biker pals leaves Tubbs with a concussion.  Crockett visits the hospital and there’s a scene where he attempts to have a conversation with a heavily drugged Tubbs.  Tubbs’s comments make about as much sense as the last words of Dutch Schultz but it’s still kind of nice to see that Crockett actually does care about his partner.  The two of them haven’t always seemed particularly happy with having to work together over the course of the third season.

Biker fans will also be happy to note that Kim Coates has a small role in this one.  Crockett and Tubbs beat him up in a biker bar while demanding information about Reb.  The odd thing here is that Crockett and Tubbs go into the biker bar and make no attempt to hide the fact that they’re actually cops.  And all of the bikers in the bar seem to already know that they’re cops.  Seriously, were Crockett and Tubbs the two worst undercover cops in history?

This was an enjoyably over-the-top episode.  It was a bit silly but, when it comes to Reb Brown, would you want it any other way?

A Blast From The Past: Contract For Life (dir by Joseph Pevney)


Our regularly scheduled review of Friday the 13th: The Series will not be posted tonight so that we might bring you this special presentation….

My retro television reviews will return next week.  For tonight, check out 1984’s Contact For Life, an earnest and actually pretty well-acted short film about teenagers and drunk and driving.  Yes, that is William Zabka in the thumbnail below.  I imagine that Zabka is the main reason most people would watch this film today.  He plays a slightly nicer version of Johnny Lawrence in this film.  Be careful about getting too attached to him.

The film also features a hockey practice where everyone apparently practices getting hurt by deliberately falling on the ice and then slamming against a wall.  Ouch!  That game will never make sense to me.  (Sorry, Leonard.)

Without further ado, here is Contract For Life!

A Blast From The Past: Rookie of the Year (dir by Larry Elikann)


TSL’s review of Highway to Heaven will not be posted tonight so that we may bring you this special presentation….

My retro television reviews will return next week but until then, enjoy this blast from the past.  1973’s Rookie of the Year stars 11 year-old Jodie Foster as Sharon Lee, who causes some controversy when she joins her brother’s little league team.  I picked out this program specifically for my sister, Erin, who loves baseball the way that I love movies!

It’s strange to think, while watching this, that Jodie Foster was just three years away from creating even more controversy with her Oscar-nominated role in Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver.

And now, here is Rookie of the Year….

A Blast From The Past: Have You Ever Been Ashamed Of Your Parents (dir by Harry Harris)


Monsters will not be reviewed tonight so that we may bring you this very special presentation of 1983’s Have You Ever Been Ashamed Of Your Parents?

Yes, my retro television reviews will return next week but, until then, enjoy this blast from the past.  In this hour-long presentation, Fran Davies (Kari Michaelson) is upset when her mother (Marion Ross) takes a summer job working as a maid for a rich family.  At first, Fran thinks that Andrea (Jennifer Jason Leigh), the daughter of her mother’s employer, is a stuck-up snob but she soon learns that Andrea is instead painfully shy and that she has parents who are rich but unloving.  Meanwhile, Fran’s parents are …. well, I wouldn’t call them poor.  The film acts as if they’re poor but, from all indications, they appear to be comfortably middle class.  The point is that they’re not rich but they are loving.

This is worth watching for Jennifer Jason Leigh’s performance as Andrea, a character to whom I could relate.  It’s not easy being both shy and beautiful.  Fans of great character actors will also be happy to see James Karen, playing Andrea’s father.

Now, without further ado, here is Have You Ever Been Ashamed Of Your Parents?

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 13: A Long Night of Mourning (originally aired December 3rd, 1966)


Episode 13 of SHANE opens with a beautiful woman walking into Grafton’s General Store while Joey (Christopher Shea) is there looking at the candy jars. Since Joey doesn’t have a penny, she offers him one, which he immediately converts to 8 pieces of peppermint. She asks Joey his name, and when he replies “Joey Starett,” she asks back, “Is your grandpa, Tom Starett?” When Joey answers in the affirmative, this classy lady takes on the look of someone who has found what she’s been looking for. She takes a room at Grafton’s and tells Sam that someone will be joining her soon and that she’ll need a second room for when he arrives.

Back at the ranch that evening, Joey is telling Shane (David Carradine) and his grandpa Tom (Tom Tully) about the woman at Grafton’s. Tom immediately gets a troubled look about him when Joey tells him that her name is Lydia Montgomery (Joanne Linville).  Coincidentally, Shane knows Lydia Montgomery because he had worked for her husband Dave awhile back in Springfield, IL, which is where Tom had lived before moving out west to Wyoming to be with his son Joe & daughter-in-law Marian (Jill Ireland). Shane asks Tom how he knew Dave Montgomery, and Tom surprisingly reveals, “I had him hanged.” It turns out that Tom had been a judge in his prior life. Convinced of her husband’s innocence and blaming “Judge Tom Starett” for his death, Lydia and her hired gun Lee (Bill Fletcher) have come to Cross Roads to kill him on the 5th anniversary of the hanging. Even Shane may not be enough to stop them. 

After mostly playing the kind old grandpa up to this point in the series, Tom Tully takes center stage in episode 13. It’s actually quite surprising because it reveals things about Tom’s past that had not even been hinted at in prior episodes. Not only do we learn that Tom was a judge, but we also learn that he was a terrible drunk who escaped out west to be with his son and daughter-in-law and get away from the guilt associated with decisions he made from the bench. His entire countenance changes from the man we’ve come to know the moment he hears the name Lydia Montgomery, and we watch him go through several stages that are quite predictable for a man living with guilt. First, we see him get extremely defensive and start lashing out at his family as he tries to explain why he sentenced Dave Montgomery to be hanged. This is clearly a man who doesn’t feel good about the decision. Next, we see him go back to the bar to get drunk, something he hasn’t done in many years, in order to numb his pain and help him forget, if even for just a little while. We can see that he almost feels that he deserves whatever he gets from Mrs. Montgomery, and her gunman. And finally, when he’s confronted by Mrs. Montgomery again at the end, he’s arrived at the point where he can plainly state the truth of what happened, admit his own shortcomings in the situation and accept whatever fate comes his way. I won’t reveal the entire circumstances of the case that brought all of this about, but I will say that it definitely points out the shortcomings of the American justice system where justice and the law don’t always coincide. Tully does a good job of presenting a much more complex man underneath the hardworking and kind grandpa character we’ve been presented with thus far. Tom is like the rest of us, we’ve all got our different stories and some of them aren’t so pretty when you scratch beneath the surface. 

Guest star Joanne Linville is very good as Lydia Montgomery, the grieving widow who, in the years after her husband’s death sentence, has elevated him from being a mere mortal to a place of sainthood. Through her relationship with the gunman Lee Maddox, a man who clearly loves her, we learn that she has never come to terms with the reality of his life or death, and she certainly has never accepted that he’s really gone. Her obsession with taking revenge on one man, Tom Starett, has basically stopped her life in its tracks and she needs to deal with her emotions even more than Tom does. The rest of the cast doesn’t have that much to do in the episode, although there are a few good moments for them. Shane is mostly there to provide Tom some physical protection, while also questioning his decision on that fateful day from five years earlier. His interactions with gunman Lee Maddox are pretty good as they had worked together in the past and respect each other. They don’t want to have to go against each other, but they will if it comes down to it. Jill Ireland has a good scene as Marian where she confronts Lydia Montgomery about her plans to kill Tom. It’s a tense scene and the ladies go at it back and forth nicely. They don’t resolve anything, but it’s another effective way to beat home the moral dilemma the episode presents. 

Prior to watching Episode 13, the last thing I was expecting was an installment of the series devoted entirely to Tom Starett, and I probably wouldn’t have really wanted one. With that said, I enjoyed it for what it was and I’m glad to be able to see Tom as a more complex man. This didn’t really leave any time for longing looks between Shane and Marian, but we did get a brief look of love at the very end, and I’ll take it. 

A Blast From The Past: Don’t Call Me Mama Anymore (dir by John Moffitt)


“The Love Boat will not be reviewed tonight so that we might bring you this special presentation….”

My Retro Television Reviews, including my reviews of The Love Boat, will return next week.  For now, let’s enjoy a blast from the past.  First aired in 1973, Don’t Call me Mama Anymore was the second television special to feature Cass Elliott.  Like the first one, it was essentially a pilot for a weekly variety show.  This special was a far better showcase for Cass Elliott and it actually led to her getting a show for the 1974 season.  Unfortunately, Cass passed away in London before filming began.

For now, here is Don’t Call Me Mama Anymore, featuring Cass Elliott, Joel Grey, Michelle Phillips, and Dick Van Dyke.