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Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 4.6 “Beau’s Jest”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime.

This week, we learn how Beau became a Sweathog.

Episode 4.6 “Beau’s Jest”

(Dir by Norman Abbott, originally aired on October 16th, 1978)

There’s a new student at Buchanan High!  His name is Beau DeLaBarre (Stephen Shortridge).  He’s handsome.  He’s blonde.  He’s charming.  He’s from New Orleans and speaks with a Southern accent.  He’s got a great smile.  He looks like he’s about 26 years old but that’s okay.  Most of his classmates look like they’re in their 30s.

Beau is a transfer student from New Orleans.  He comes to Buchanan after being kicked out of a series of different schools.  He’s a troublemaker!  Why, he might even become a Sweathog!  Unfortunately, he and Epstein take a dislike to each other.  Beau goes out with a girl Epstein likes.  Epstein staples Beau’s underwear and pants to the wall.  Beau walks down the hall wearing just a towel and the audience goes crazy.  (“Oh!” Horshack exclaims.)  Beau sets Epstein up with a dental hygienist and then tells Epstein that she’s married and her husband is looking to kill Epstein.  Why would a married woman be dating a remedial high school student?  It probably helps that Epstein looks like he’s about 40.

Anyway, after a stern talking to from Julie (who is working in the front office and who now has a really unflattering haircut), Beau realizes he was in the wrong.  He tells Epstein the truth.  But the hygienist’s boyfriend (Richard Moll) shows up and demands to see “Juan Epstein.”

“I’m Juan Epstein!” Beau declares.

Beau gets punched but he also wins the friendship of the Sweathogs….

If this all seems strange, it’s because it’s already been established, in the episode where the Sweathogs checked out Vinny’s new apartment, that Beau is a member of the Sweathogs.  That episode also established that both Gabe and Julie know Beau.  Obviously, Beau’s Jest was originally meant to air at the start of the season but the folks at the network decided it would be smarter to start the season with John Travolta instead of Stephen Shortridge.  I don’t blame them.

(Interestingly enough, the version of this episode on Prime includes a prologue where Beau and the Sweathogs are hanging out and Epstein says something like, “Remember when we first met?” and the rest of the episode plays out like a flashback.  When this episode was on Tubi, that prologue was not included.  So, who knows?  Maybe the prologue was something that was included for syndication or maybe when the episode aired in reruns.)

This episode …. ugh.  Barbarino is nowhere to be seen.  Gabe only appears for a few seconds.  There’s way too much of Julie acting like the “That’s Not Funny” meme.  Stephen Shortridge was not a bad actor and he was pleasant on the eyes but his character does not belong on a show about New York juvenile delinquents.  Apparently, the show wanted Barabrino’s replacement to be the opposite of Barbarino, in order to avoid people comparing the new guy to Travolta.  That wasn’t a bad idea but the show went too far in the other direction.

One final note: Welcome Back, Kotter is no longer on Tubi.  It’s available on Prime.  I had to pay two dollars to watch this.  I probably would have cut this episode a little more slack if I had watched it for free.  But for two bucks, I expect to at least feel like I got my money’s worth.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.21 “The Little Prince”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, T and T comes to an end.

Episode 3.21 “The Little Prince”

(Dir by Ken Girotti, originally aired on May 26th, 1990)

The Sultan (Fareed Ahmed) of the tiny island nation of Domain has come to Canada or wherever the Hell this show is supposed to be taking place so that he can announce that he is bringing democracy to his nation.  Yay!  Democracy rules!  However, the Sultan is also bringing along his bratty 12 year-old son, the Prince (Marlow Vella).  Out of everyone that he could have hired, he selected Terri and T.S. Turner to look after the Prince.

Unfortunately, a gangster named Don Giovanni wants to kidnap the Prince.  Fortunately, Don Giovanni has hired recurring crooks Fritz (Dominic Cuzzocrea) and Nobby (Avery Saltzman) to handle the abduction.  Why any reputable gangster would hire Fritz and Nobby, I don’t know.  Fritz and Nobby have appeared in several episodes of this show and they have never came close to pulling off any of their schemes.  As usual, Turner is able to easily defeat Fritz and Nobby and, oddly, there doesn’t seem to be hard feelings.  With all of the times that Turner has captured Fritz and Nobby, you do have to wonder why the two of them are never in jail.

This was the last episode of T and T.  Not only did it end season 3 but it ended the show itself.  The show ends without anyone ever asking what happened to Amy or any of the other supporting characters who came and went over the past three seasons.  The continuity of this show was always a mess.  That’s especially clear in this episode.  Turner has to tell Terri who Fritz and Nobby are, despite the fact that Terri has met them at least twice before.  I’m going to guess this episode was probably meant to air earlier in the season.  Either that or the show’s writers just didn’t care.

For a show that started off as the story of streetwise guy who was unjustly imprisoned for murder, T and T certainly ended on a silly and rather inconsequential note.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  It’s a Canadian detective show that starred Mr. T.  Obviously, T and T was never meant to be taken seriously.  The show didn’t need an epic finale but still, I always feel like the final episode of the show should at least wrap things up.  The final episode is the equivalent of a final chapter.  Its the show’s chance to leave the viewers with one final thought or to at least acknowledge everything that led up to the end.  It’s always a bit sad when any show — even something like T and T — doesn’t get a chance to do that.

Now that it’s over, what can I say about T and T?  There were a few entertaining episodes.  Mr. T didn’t have much range an actor but he was still a big personality and his “don’t be a criminal” speeches were earnest delivered.  The show worked better with Amy than Terri.  The first season was the show’s strongest.  Things went downhill afterwards.  By the third season, Mr. T seemed bored with the whole thing.

Anyway, I’m done with T and T!  To be honest, there were times when I felt like I would never finish this show.  This is probably one of the most obscure pieces of entertainment that I’ve ever reviewed on the Shattered Lens but that’s what I’m here for.  I like reviewing the shows and the movies that have been overlooked or otherwise forgotten.

Next week, I’ll be reviewing a new show in this time slot.  What will that show be?

Uhmm …. I’ll let you know as soon as I figure it out myself!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.23 “Children’s Children”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark find themselves in a Douglas Sirk-style melodrama.

Episode 2.23 “Children’s Children”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on April 30th, 1986)

When I watched this episode, I saw that the script was credited to David Thoreau and I immediately assumed that it had to be a pseudonym for the actual writer.  Fortunately, for once, I actually did some research and I discovered that the writer’s name actually was David Thoreau.  He wrote a few scripts that were produced in the 80s and 90s and, in fact, this was the first of seven scripts that he wrote for Highway to Heaven.  He’s also credited as writing the screenplay for the classic beach volleyball film, Side Out.

As for this episode, it finds Mark and Jonathan working at a home for unwed mothers.  Just the term “home for unwed mothers” brings to mind the 50s melodramas of Douglas Sirk and I found myself thinking about just how old-fashioned Highway to Heaven must have seemed even in the 80s.  I did a google search and I discovered that homes from unwed mothers do still exist, though they’re now called “maternity homes.”

The manager of the home for unwed mothers is Joyce Blair (Bibi Besch), who finds herself being hounded by a reporter named Dan Rivers (Robert Lipton).  Dan is determined to take Joyce down and, to do so, he brings up a past incident in which Joyce was arrested.  Dan twists the facts to make Joyce look like a criminal and soon, Joyce finds that she might not be able to keep the home open.  Why is Dan doing this?  Like most reporters on Highway to Heaven, he’s just plain evil.  But when one of the girls at the home suggests that Dan might be the father of her child, Dan learns what it’s like to be falsely accused.

Meanwhile, evil businessman Jack Brent (James T. Callahan) hopes for a chance to foreclose on the home so that he can bulldoze it and replace it with condominiums.  (Bad guys in the 80s always wanted to build condos.)  But how will he react when he discovers that his teenage son (Scott Coffey) is going to be a father and that the girl he impregnated in currently living at the home?

This episode is the type of episode that most people think of when they dismiss Highway to Heaven as just being an old-fashioned and slightly preachy melodrama.  There’s not a single subtle moment or particularly nuanced moment to be found in this particular episode.  It’s note quite as heavy-handed as that episode where Mark begged the President to talk to the Russians and reduce amount of nuclear missiles but it’s close.

Bonus Horror on TV: The Curse of Degrassi (dir by Stefan Brogren)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

This is a special episode of my favorite TV show of all, Degrassi!  Originally airing on October 28th, 2008, The Curse of Degrassi features Degrassi’s main mean girl, Holy J Sinclair (Charlotte Arnold), getting possessed by the vengeful spirit of deceased school shooter, Rick Murray (Ephraim Ellis).  Chaos follows!  Fortunately, Spinner (Shane Kippel) is around to save the day.  As any true Degrassi fan can tell you, only Spinner has a chance against the forces of the undead.

What I like about this episode is that, in the best tradition of Degrassi, it goes there.  Holly J does get possessed.  Just about the entire cast end up dying horribly.  Spinner has to battle the undead spirit of Rick Murray and he has to do it without the help of Drake.  And, as far as we know, this episode is canon.  So, yes, Rick Murray’s ghost actually does haunt Degrassi Community School and yes, only Spinner can save us all.

Go Spinner!

Enjoy!

Horror On TV: One Step Beyond 3.36 “Eyewitness” (dir by John Newland)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

For this year’s horrorthon’s final episode of One Step Beyond, we have the …. final episode of One Step Beyond!

In this, the series’s very last episode, a Boston newspaper reporter in 1883 somehow manages to write a firsthand account of one of the greatest natural disasters in human history, the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa.  Making his accomplishment all the more amazing is that he not only filed the story the day before it happened but he also says that he has no memory of writing it!  What’s going on?  Take one step beyond and find out!

This episode originally aired on July 4th, 1961.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.16 “Mrs. Murray”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Murray gets married!

Episode 1.16 “Mrs. Murray”

(DIr by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on February 7th, 1999)

It may seem strange to review an episode of Malibu, CA on Halloween but this episode does feature Murray dressed up as Elvis so I guess that’s kind of Halloween-y.

Why is Murray dressed as Elvis?  That’s what he decides to wear to his wedding, which is being held in the restaurant for some reason.  Murray is marrying Amber (Anastasia Horne), who is only interested in Murray because of his money.  (At one point, Amber’s friend refers to Murray as being the “mayor of Freak City.”  No, Murray was mayor of Malibu …. remember?)  Murray will receive a billion-dollar trust fund as soon as he gets married.  Jason and Scott try to warn Murray about Amber so, at his wedding, Murray announces that he will not accept a dime of money from his trust fund.  Amber quickly leaves the restaurant and Murray starts to sing “I feel so lonely I could die.”

Poor Murray!

While it’s tempting to praise Scott and Jason for looking out for Murray, I’ve seen enough episodes to know that Scott and Jason were probably just concerned that Amber would take all of Murray’s money before they could get a chance to cheat him out of it.  Scott and Jason have certainly never had any problem with the idea of taking Murray’s money before.  I’d probably be trusting of their motives if not for the fact that they embezzled money from Murray’s campaign just a few episodes ago.

Meanwhile, Tracy tries her hand at becoming a hairstylist, which leads to Sam and Stads looking like this:

Hey, just in time for Halloween!  Are we sure this isn’t a holiday episode?  It originally aired on February 7th, 1999 so …. nope.  It’s just a coincidence that the episode I’m reviewing on Halloween happened to feature a lot of costumes.

This episode was essentially just a re-do of the Saved by The Bell episode with Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce, with the main difference being that Brandon Brooks is a bit more likable as Murray than Dustin Diamond was as Screech.  On a personal note, I have to say that, as someone who has big boobs and is proud of it, I kind of resent that that every similarly endowed woman on Malibu, CA is portrayed as being either an airhead (Tracy) or a golddigger (Amber).  For a show set on the beach, this show certainly does seem to take issue with those of us who actually look good in a bikini.

(Personally, I think Tracy should marry Murray and start digging into the trust fund….)

Oh well.  I could complain more but it’s time for me to get ready to hand out candy.  Happy Halloween!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.20 “Micro Minds”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

In this episode, a new lifeform is discovered.

Episode 2.20 “Micro Minds”

(Dir by Anthony Santa Croce, originally aired on March 4, 1990)

In a college science lab, astronomy student Paula (Belle Avery) is convinced that her personal computer is  picking up communications being sent to her from an extra-terrestrial civilization.  When Dr. Thomas Becker (Troy Donahue) comes by the lab to find out why Paula hasn’t been coming to class, he is at first dismissive of her theory.  But then he hears the voice of Grok (David Parmenter) coming through the computer and he realizes the truth of what has happened.

Paula has made contact with another lifeform.

But it’s not an lifeform from another planet.  Instead, it’s a microscopic protozoa that has evolved in the laboratory’s cooling tank.  Grok can speak but it doesn’t know much about the world outside of the tank.  When Becker shines a light over the tank, Grok thinks that Becker is God.  Becker, to Paula’s alarm, rather likes the idea of being God.

Soon, Becker is pouring salt and sugar into the cooling tank, all in an attempt to speed up Grok’s evolution.  Paula thinks that Becker is moving too quickly.  Eventually, a giant version of Grok (imagine a slimy version of the killer carpet from The Creeping Terror) materializes in the lab and attacks Paula.  Paula destroys it and Becker, realizing the Paula also means to destroy the rest of Grok, responds by killing her.  Becker, thinking that he has saved Grok, does not realize that Grok is planning on using him to destroy the human race.

I had a bit of a hard time following the plot of this episode, as you may have guessed from the somewhat jumbled synopsis above.  This episode of Monsters is an homage to the B-science fiction films of the 50s and 60s and, as such, there’s a lot of technobabble which doesn’t make much sense but which is there so the viewer can at least pretend like the story is rooted in some sort of reality.  In this case, the incoherence is the point.

The casting of former teen idol Troy Donahue as the professor is another call back to the 50s.  After Donahue’s star faded, he appeared in his share of low-budget horror and sci-fi films.  Donahue gives a good performance here, doing a nice job of portraying Dr. Becker’s growing megalomania.  (That said, whenever anyone referred to him as “Becker,” I was reminded of that terrible Ted Danson show where he played the doctor who was always pissed off whenever he got off the subway.)

As for the episode’s monster, it looked awful and fake but again, one gets the feeling that was deliberate.  To be honest, it didn’t look any worse than some of the monsters that showed up in Roger Corman’s alien invasion films.

This was an okay episode.  Even if I couldn’t always follow the plot, the story held my attention.  It was a well-done homage to cheap sci-fi, even if it never was quite as much fun as Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Horror On TV: One Step Beyond 3.31 “The Sorcerer” (dir by John Newland)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

One tonight’s episode of One Step Beyond, the one and only Christopher Lee plays a German military officer who makes a fatal deal with a sorcerer.

This episode was Christopher Lee’s American television debut.  It originally aired on May 23rd, 1961.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat hosts a special event!

Episode 5.3 “Two Grapes On The Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on October 17th, 1981)

This week, the Love Boat is hosting a wine tasting competition!

Basically, the contestants sit in the ballroom.  They take a sip of wine.  They then write down what type of wine they think they just tasted.  All of the members of the crew and the majority of the passengers watch them.  Seriously, it looks like the most boring thing ever.  I mean, I get why the competitors are into it.  The winner gets a lot of money.  But why would you want to watch people drink?  I mean, if you’re crazy into wine, it seems like you’d want to drink it yourself.  What fun is there in watching other people drink something?  I’ll just say that, if I was on a cruise, I would want to do other things.  I would want lay out by the pool or look at the ocean or maybe solve a murder.  What I would not want to do would be to spend hours watching other people drink and then spit.

Also, I have to wonder about the wisdom of hosting a wine tasting competition on a ship that’s captained by a recovering alcoholic.  Did the show forget this key part of the captain’s character?  Merrill Stubing is a recovering alcoholic and he lives his life with the rigorous discipline of someone who is trying to avoid falling back into old habits.  It would seem like Captain Stubing would at least mention his alcoholic past in this episode, especially after Vicki says that she wishes she could take part in the contest.  Wouldn’t this be a good time for Stubing to explain that an addictive personality can be hereditary?

I know, I know.  I’m overthinking.  It’s just because I found this episode to be remarkably dull.  I mean, I love The Love Boat but this episode was just boring.  The whole wine tasting thing just put me to sleep.

It didn’t help that the three stories weren’t particularly interesting.

Robert Guillaume and Leslie Uggams played the two finalists in the wine tasting competition.  They each lied to the other about why they needed the money.  Then they fell in love and they each threw the competition so the other could win the money.  But since they both got the last wine wrong, no one won and no money was awarded.  Wow, wine tasting is a harsh sport!

Tanya Tucker and Michael Goodwin played a married couple who got divorced every year so that they could get a tax break.  This time, they sailed to Mexico for a quickie divorce.  Tucker’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Walden, was on the cruise and Tucker was tempted to stay divorced.  However, she and Goodwin eventually decided to get married a sixth time and to never get divorced again.  I liked this story solely because it was about screwing over the IRS.

Finally, Betty White wanted to marry Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. but he instead fell for Betty White’s friend, Carol Channing.  No worries though!  Fairbanks gave Betty White a job so that she would no longer have to marry for money.

It was all pretty boring.  As I said, I love this show but this episode tasted as flat as a French wine from 1178.

Here Is The Trailer For Marvel Television, including Daredevil: Born Again

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, Disney+ released a trailer for all of the new Marvel shows that will be coming out later this year and in 2025.  The majority of the trailer highlight Daredevil: Born Again.

Admittedly, we’ve gotten used to Marvel and its movies and its show and, as such, a new Marvel trailer is no longer the big event that it used to be.  (The Marvel trailers that excite us usually involve characters like Deadpool, who comment on and satirize the conventions of the comic book movie.  We love Deadpool’s jaded perspective because we’ve all gotten jaded ourselves.)

That said, the Daredevil: Born Again footage looked cool.  The animated stuff was a bit of a mixed bag.  (Jeff tells me that Marvel Zombies have been around for a while but I still laughed when they showed up in the trailer.)  Ironheart looks insanely boring.  But Daredevil, I’m cautiously optimistic about.

Here’s the trailer.