Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.22 “Surrogate Mother/The Ideal Woman”

Posted on January 13, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!

It’s time for one last trip to Fantasy Island.

Episode 7.22 “Surrogate Mother/The Ideal Woman”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on May 19th, 1984)

All things must come to an end. For the original Fantasy Island, the final episode of the seventh season was also the final episode of the series.

The show didn’t get a grand finale. Instead, it was a typical episode with two fantasies. In one fantasy, Charo — yes, Charo — played a woman who had been hired to be a surrogate mother for a childless couple (John Saxon and Juliet Mills). In the other one, Ben Saunders (Shea Farrell) tried to win back his ex-fiancee (Mary Kate McGeehan) while judging a Fantasy Island beauty pageant. (How many pageants did Fantasy Island host?) Two men (Don Galloway and David Sheiner) demanded that Ben pick their girlfriends as the Ideal Woman. (Both of the girlfriends materialized on the Island, one from a painting and one from a block of stone. It was a weird fantasy.) Ben picked his ex, declaring her to be the “ideal woman.” Neither fantasy was great, though I will say that Charo gave a surprisingly sincere performance and it was nice that frequent Fantasy Island guests stars John Saxon and Juliet Mills appeared on the last episode. It was an okay trip to the Island, particularly when compared to some of the other season 7 episodes. Still, the whole thing felt a bit tired.

I have to admit that it’s hard for me to believe that I just reviewed the final episode of the original Fantasy Island. I started reviewing Fantasy Island on September 6th, 2022. It was one of the original shows that I picked for Retro Television Reviews. Now that I’m finishing the show up in 2026, The Love Boat is the only one of my original picks that I still have episodes left to review. I’ll be reviewing The Love Boat for a while.

(To be honest, I’m stunned that I’ve stuck with these reviews. I don’t think anyone was expecting me to get all the way to end of Hang Time, let alone Fantasy Island.)

My thoughts on Fantasy Island? I loved the first four seasons. The fifth season, with its introduction of Julie and it’s frequent side-lining of Tattoo, was when the show started to go downhill. The biggest mistake that the show made was, needless to say, not agreeing to pay whatever was necessary to get Herve Villechaize to come back for season 7. Season 7, the season without Tattoo, felt odd from the start. Christopher Hewett and Ricardo Montalban never had the right chemistry and the stories themselves were largely recycled from earlier episodes. The perfect ending for Fantasy Island would have been the season 6 clip show.

What’s next? On television, Fantasy Island was revived twice. In the 90s, Malcolm McDowell played a version of Mr. Rourke. And then, more recently, there was an attempt to revive it on Fox but, after an enjoyable first season, that show became a self-parody. I may review both of them in the future. For now, though, I’m still considering several shows to start reviewing next week. I’ll reveal my pick next Tuesday!

For now, let us say goodbye to Fantasy Island. Thanks for the laughs, the tears, and the fantasies!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.21 “Bojangles and the Dancer/Deuces Wild”

Posted on January 6, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time for our second-to-last trip to the Island.

Episode 7.21 “Bojangles And The Dancer/Deuces Wild”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on May 12th, 1984)

Sisters Audrey and Judy Jennings (played, of course, by Audrey and Judy Landers) come to the Island because they’re sick of men only appreciating their bodies as opposed to their other talents. They end up meeting a hotelier named Rex Reinhardt (Stuart Whitman) who, after some poorly-defined drama involving his duplicitous chief of security (John Ericson), ends up opening a resort with the two of them. Fans of the James Bond franchise will be happy to see Walter Gotell, who played the head of the KGB opposite Roger Moore in several films, cast as a writer who romances one of the sisters.

It’s kind of a sad fantasy when you consider that this is the second-to-last episode of the original Fantasy Island and the best they could do for this story were the Landers sisters and Stuart Whitman. Not only were the guest stars not particularly inspiring but the fantasy itself didn’t really make much sense.

As for the other fantasy, it does feature a big-name guest star. Sammy Davis, Jr. plays the legendary dancer, Bojangles! Now, admittedly, Sammy doesn’t look particularly healthy in this particular episode. Reportedly, by the time the 80s rolled around, all of the smoking, drinking, and drug-taking had finally started to catch up with him. But, even while obviously ill, Sammy Davis Jr. still had the undeniable charisma of a natural-born star. The fantasy is nothing special. Joe Wilson (Glynn Turman) goes into the past so that he can dance with Bojangles. However, Sammy Davis Jr. lights up the story. He shares a wonderfully-acted scene with Ricardo Montalban, two old showbiz pros sharing what may have been a final moment together.

So, this trip to the Island was a mixed bag. Neither fantasy was particularly compelling and Tattoo’s absence was very much felt. (Lawrence, I’ve noticed, tends to be rather judgmental of the guests which is something Tattoo never was.) But at least Sammy Davis Jr. was there to add some life to the proceedings.

Only one more episode to go.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988, directed by David Zucker)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

Let’s take a moment to appreciate Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), a true American hero.

Even though Frank is just a Los Angeles cop, he still goes to the Middle East and disrupts a conference of America’s greatest enemies. He beats up Fidel Castro. He knocks out Gadafi and Yasser Arafat. He cleans Gorbachev’s head. (“I knew it!” he says as the birthmark disappears.) He takes out Idi Amin and he sends the Ayatollah Khomeini through a window. Thirty-seven years ago, this scene opened The Naked Gun and, after all that time, it is still funny because Leslie Nielsen plays it all with a straight face, delivering his silly lines without flinching. It’s also interesting that none of the leaders taken down by Frank Drebin are around anymore. Khomeini died just a few months after this film came out. Gorbachev was the last to go, in 2022, by which time he was no longer an enemy. Consider it the Frank Drebin Effect. He’s making the world safe for democracy.

When Drebin returns to Los Angeles, he’s informed by Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) that Police Squad has been put in charge of security for a visit from Queen Elizabeth (Jeanette Charles) and that Officer Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) is in the hospital and suspected of being a dirty cop. The Mayor (Nancy Marchand) doesn’t want Los Angeles to be embarrassed by a police scandal before the Queen arrives so Drebin has 24 hours to exonerate Nordberg. Drebin’s attempt to clear Nordberg’s name leads him to a shipping magnate (Ricardo Montalban) who has come up with a diabolical scheme to assassinate the Queen at a baseball game. It also leads to love between Drebin and Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley).

Though Liam Neeson did a fine job in the recent reboot, there really is only one Frank Drebin and his name is Leslie Nielsen. The original Naked Gun is nearly 40 years old and, even if some of the jokes are dated, it’s still laugh out loud funny. Most of the credit has to go to Leslie Nielsen and ability to deliver even the most bizarre bits of dialogue with natural authority, gravitas and a straight face. Whether he’s mumbling his way through the National Anthem, paying an informer for information, or hamming it up as an umpire, Nielsen is never less than hilarious. By the end of the movie, it’s impossible to look at Nielsen without laughing. Kennedy, Presely, and Montalban also generate their share of laughs. John Houseman has a great cameo as an unflappable driving instructor. (“Now, extend your middle finger.”) As for OJ Simpson, he doesn’t seem to be in on the joke like the rest of the cast but he does frequently get injured and re-injured throughout the movie and there’s definitely some pleasure to be found in that.

(When Simpson died, director David Zucker said, “His acting was a lot like his murdering: He got away with it, but no one believed him.” That sounds about right.)

Liam Neeson made for a fine Frank Drebin, Jr. I hope he has many more adventures. But the greatest Frank Drebin will always be Leslie Nielsen and the original Naked Gun will always be one of my favorite comedies. Sometimes, it’s good just to laugh.

Thank you, David Zuker.

Thank you, Jerry Zucker.

Thank you, Jim Abrahams.

And most of all, thank you, Leslie Nielsen.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.20 “Don Juan’s Last Affair/Final Adieu”

Posted on December 2, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, a tramp and a wimp seek romantic advice.

Episode 7.20 “Don Juan’s Last Affair/Final Adieu”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on April 14th, 1984)

Fashion marketer Whitney Clark (Phyllis Davis) is having an affair with her boss, Daniel Garman (David Hedison). Whitney’s fantasy is to end the affair. Myself, I have to wonder why she would have to come to Fantasy Island to end the affair. Why can’t she just save the money and end the affair in New York or wherever it is that they’re from? Better yet, why can’t she end the affair in New York and then come to Fantasy Island and actually have an enjoyable fantasy?

Daniel is on the Island, putting together a fashion show that he hopes will convince Roarke to commission a line of Fantasy Island fashions. Whitney wants to end the affair but then she meets Daniel’s wife, Elizabeth (Marion Ross). Elizabeth is in a wheelchair and, as she explains it, Daniel only stays with her out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. When she offered Daniel a divorce, he turned it down. Whitney comes to realize that Daniel loves both her and Elizabeth but that Daniel’s heart will always belong to Elizabeth. “If you love me, let me go,” she tells Daniel. She leaves Fantasy Island alone but looking forward to the future. “I’ve come to admire your courage,” Lawrence tells her. I’m not sure what courage he’s referring to. She couldn’t even break up with her married lover without Mr. Roarke’s help.

Meanwhile, nerdy Alan Curtis (Michael Spound) is in love with his best friend, Pat Grayson (Geena Davis, in an early role). Mr. Roarke arranges for Alan to go into the past to Madrid so that the legendary Don Juan (Fernando Rey) can give him advice but, due to a mix-up in the space-time continuum, Don Juan ends up in the present and on Fantasy Land. Pat falls for Don Juan! While Roarke fences with Don Juan, Alan finally tells Pat that he loves her. At first, Pat is like, “But Don Juan….” but then Don Juan mentions that he’s had 14,000 lovers and Pat decides to give Alan a try.

*sigh* The seventh season of Fantasy Island has been really depressing to review. The first few seasons were fun but the seventh season has just been a drag. This episode featured a lively performance from Geena Davis but that was pretty much it. Everyone else seemed bored and unlikable. Whitney and Alan were both wimps.

This was my final trip to the Island for 2025. Retro Television Reviews will be going on break for the Holidays so that I can focus on both the Awards Season and Christmas movies! Fantasy Island will return on January 6th, 2026. There’s only two shows left and then something new will be appearing in this time slot.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.19 “Lost and Found/Dick Turpin’s Last Ride”

Posted on November 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, I really missed Tattoo.

Episode 7.19 “”Lost and Found/Dick Turpin’s Last Ride”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on April 7th,1984)

Stung by the discovery that her husband has cheated on her, Sheila McKenna (Carol Lynley) comes to Fantasy Island, looking for revenge. Her husband, Frank (Adam West), follows her and tries to save his marriage. Sheila is tempted to cheat with Frank’s business partner. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke is there to show Frank the error of his ways and, for some reason, Sheila ends up forgiving him and they leave the Island with their marriage stronger than ever.

This storyline is one that I perhaps would have been more invested in if Sheila McKenna had not been played by Carol Lynley. Lynley was the most frequent guest star on Fantasy Island. She was never particularly memorable but, in this episode, she gives a performance that can only be described as bad. Delivering her lines without a hint of emotion (and forget about having any chemistry with West), Lynley comes across as if she under the influence of serious narcotics. I was genuinely worried about her health. I didn’t really care much about her marriage.

As for the other storyline, singer Tom Jones stars as mild-mannered accountant Jack Palmer. Palmer idolizes the legendary Welsh highwayman, Dick Turpin. Roarke sends him into the past so that he can actually be Dick Turpin. Tom Jones as Turpin sings almost all of his dialogue. Jack’s wife (Dianne Kay) is also sent into the past and is kidnapped by Sid Haig.

The Dick Turpin storyline was the sort of thing that Fantasy Island did well in the past. However, despite some surprisingly strong production values, it just kind of fell flat in this episode. A big problem is that this was the type of story that would have been perfect for Tattoo but, unfortunately, the show replaced Herve Villechaize with Christopher Hewett. I have nothing against Christopher Hewett. From what I’ve read, he was apparently a very devout Catholic who was loved by all. But the switch-over from Villechaize to Hewett was definitely the moment that Fantasy Island stopped being a fantasy to watch.

It’s hard to believe that I’m nearly done with this series. I’ve been reviewing it since 2022! It’s brought me a lot of joy but, as I make my way through the final episodes of season 7, I’m ready to finally move on.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.18 “Mermaid and the Matchmaker/The Obsolete Man”

Posted on November 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, an acquaintance returns to the Island.

Episode 7.18 “Mermaid and the Matchmaker/The Obsolete Man”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on March 24th, 1984)

Nyah (Michelle Phillips) is back!

Okay, maybe you don’t remember Nyah. This is Nyah’s first appearance since the fourth season. In between the last time that Michelle Phillips played Nyah and her resurfacing in this episode, Phillips played five other characters on Fantasy Island.

So, to refresh your memory, Nyah is a mermaid. During seasons three and four, she tried to tempt men to their death in the ocean and she was presented as being a friendly enemy of Mr. Roarke’s. In this episode, however, Nyah is a bit nicer. She’s not malicious as much as she’s just immature. Roarke, for his part, treats her like a wayward teenager. Nyah has a fantasy, of course. She’s tired of being immortal and she wants Roarke to make her a mortal. Roarke says that he can’t do that. “You’re the only man who understands immortality!” Nyah says.

Nyah wants to die but instead, Roarke plays matchmaker and arranges for her to meet Duke McCall (Dennis Cole), a sailor who believes in mermaids. He doesn’t have any issue with Nyah being a mermaid but Nyah, having fallen in love with him, fears that Duke will drown if he tries to pursue her. Fortunately, for everyone involved, Duke turns into a merman. Don’t ask me how these things work. I’m just glad that Roarke didn’t have to kill anyone.

Meanwhile, banker Mitchell Robinson (Bert Convy) fears that he’s going to be replaced by a computer. Charlene Hunt (Gloria Loring) claims that her computer is just as good at checking loan applications as any human. She stages a competition between the computer and Mitchell. Mitchell tries to explain to the computer that it’s important to judge people not just on their credit rating but also their body language. This somehow causes the computer to explode and Mitchell keeps his job.

“Yay!” viewers in 1984 cheered, “computers will never replace us!” HA! Joke’s on you, Mitchell Robinson!

Seriously, you don’t have to tell me about the dangers of a fully automated world. A.I. is fun for making silly images but it’s going to ultimately lead to a lot of people believing a lot of false things. But Mitchell was so smug about beating the computer that I’m kind of glad that he still probably lost his job a few years later. You can’t stop the march of technology, Mitchell!

As for this trip to the Island, the computer storyline didn’t really go anywhere but I did enjoy Michelle Phillip’s return as Nyah. She and Ricardo Montalban had an enjoyable chemistry and it was fun to watch them bicker. This week’s episode was uneven but, thanks to Michelle Phillips, it was still more enjoyable the most of what we’ve seen for the seventh season.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.17 “Awakening of Love/The Imposter”

Posted on November 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s time for a trip to 1984.

Episode 7.17 “Awakening of Love/The Imposter”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on March 17th, 1984)

Wendy Collins (Robin Mattson) is a beautiful model who cannot overcome her trust issues. She fears that she might be frigid and she even resists Roarke’s attempts to make her fantasy of finding true love come true by setting her up with photographer (Rod McCrary). Wendy finally reveals the truth to Roarke. She grew up in a troubled home and, as a result, she has a hard time trusting people. She’s only had one lover and the lover was….

“An older man?” Roarke asks.

“A woman,” Wendy reveals.

The camera zooms in on Roarke looking shocked.

Welcome to 1984! Now, today, it’s pretty obvious what would happen. Wendy would fall in love with the photographer’s assistant, Carla (Renee Lippin), and she would realize that there was nothing wrong with that. But this episode aired in 1984, which means that Wendy has to find the courage to tell the photographer that her previous lover was a woman and that the photographer will then have to be willing to say that it doesn’t matter. Basically, Wendy’s fantasy is to be reassured that she’s straight despite having had one same-sex relationship.

Yes, well, hmmm …. hey, what’s going on in the other fantasy?

Arthur Crane (John Davidson) has a compulsive disorder that leads to him assuming other people’s identities. That’s quite a serious problem and Fantasy Island plays it for laughs. Roarke tells Lawrence to follow Arthur around the Island and to keep Arthur from taking on anyone else’s identity. Lawrence is terrible at his job. (Tattoo could have done it!) Arthur pretends to be a movie producer. Arthur pretends to be Mr. Roarke. (Okay, that did make me laugh.) Arthur pretends to be a doctor so Mr. Roarke zaps Arthur into an alternate universe where he is a doctor and he’s going to have to perform surgery on someone who has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Arthur points out that he doesn’t really have any medical skills or training.. Then he looks at the comatose patient and discovers that it’s ….. HIMSELF!

This storyline had potential but it was done in by some seriously bad acting and the fact that the fantasy was comedic so the viewer knows from the start that Arthur is not going to accidentally kill himself on the operating table.

This was a rather dated trip to the Island. The main theme seemed to be that Lawrence was thoroughly incompetent.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.16 “Baby On Demand/The Last Dogfight”

Posted on October 28, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, on Fantasy Island, it’s more of the same old same old.

Episode 7.16 “Baby on Demand/The Last Dogfight”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on March 10th, 1984)

Former “pop singer” Joanna Jones (Tanya Tucker) comes to Fantasy Island. She is no longer concerned with her musical artistry. (“If you can call that art,” Lawrence says — Lawrence, you bitch, you!) Now, she wants to have a baby but she doesn’t want to get married. Her fantasy is to get pregnant over the weekend and never have to see the guy again.

Okay, then. I mean, does she really have to go to Fantasy Island to have a one night stand? She’s a famous and wealthy woman so it just seems odd that apparently, this is something that only Mr. Roarke can make happen.

Mr. Roarke sets her up with Harley Batten (Dean Butler) but Joanna finds herself falling for Harley so she abandons him and instead hooks up with George, who is played by Mark Venturini. Venturini later played Vic in Friday the 13th Part V. Remember the guy with the axe who gets tired of Joey bothering him while he’s chopping wood? That was Mark Venturini!

By the end of the episode, Joanna has decided to take a chance on love and she leaves the Island with Harley. This fantasy just felt odd, largely because Tanya Tucker was a terrible actress and everyone on the show seemed to be embarrassed for her whenever she had to deliver her lines. I’m pretty sure that I saw both Dean Butler and Mark Venturini looking for an exit whenever Tucker started speaking.

As for the other story, it’s yet another aviation story. World War II flying aces Paul Spencer (Leigh McCloskey) and Hunter Richter (Grant Goodeve) are turned back into young men so that they can fly their airplanes over Fantasy Island and simulate a dogfight. However, Richter is haunted by the death of his wife at Dresden and, after discovering that Spencer’s wife (Leah Ayres) bears a strong resemblance to his late wife, Richter becomes determined to engage in actual combat. In the end, Spencer refuses to fight and Richter’s code of honor prevents him from shooting down a man who will not fire back. Because, of course, World War II-era Germans were famous for their sense of fair play….

The aviation story was, at least, well-acted. But it still felt very familiar. It was obvious that the show’s writers had run out of ideas. All in all, this was another disappointing Season 7 trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

Eh. I didn’t like this episode. Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.

Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright. He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world. His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce). Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind. His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.

Just typing all of that made my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding. She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her. This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened. Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out. Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving. Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her. Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again. Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away. Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.

Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television. First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce. Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again! Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist. But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.

As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place? Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there. So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?

This episode …. ugh.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.14 “Lady of the house/Mrs. Brandell’s Favorites”

Posted on October 14, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Justice for Tattoo!

Episode 7.14 “Lady of the House/Mrs. Brandell’s Favorites”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on February 25th, 1984)

This was one of the Fantasy Island episode that was not on my DVR. However, now that the show is once again streaming in its entirety on Tubi, I was still able to watch it. Lucky me.

This is probably the worst episode of Fantasy Island that I’ve ever seen.

This episode gets off to a bad start with Mr. Roarke informing Lawrence that there will only be one guest with a fantasy this week. That guest is Esther Brandell (Polly Bergen). Whenever there’s only one guest and that guest is played by a middle-aged actress who was big in the 50s and the 60s, you know you’re about to spend an hour watching an hour of awkward melodrama that you’re supposed to excuse by saying, “She was great in Kisses For My President!”

Mrs. Brandell says that she’s a former sorority house mother who wants her three favorite sorority girls to be her bridesmaids at her wedding. Actually, Mrs. Brandell was a former madam and the three “sorority girls” all worked for her. Bebe (Lauren Tewes), Coleen (Randi Oakes), and Lynn (Shelley Smith) have all moved on and want to keep their past a secret. Over the course of the episode, each will admit the truth to their current partner and each will realize that Mrs. Brandell really did protect and care about them.

This episode basically features the same scene over and over again. Each of the girls works up the courage (or the anger) to admit that they were once a prostitute. Their significant other reacts. One guy tries to blackmail Mrs. Brandell. Another reveals that he knew all along because “I’m an investigative reporter.” Bebe’s idiot boyfriend (Dick Gautier) refuses to believe Bebe and insists that she sleep with another man for money so that he’ll be convinced. What? Bebe realizes that’s not her lifestyle anymore and she really does love her idiot boyfriend, the same one who pimped her out to some random guy on the Island.

And, through the whole thing, Polly Bergen delivers her lines in a voice that sounds like she just finished smoking a pack of cigarettes. The truth of the matter is that Bergen is absolutely lousy in the role but the script is probably as much to blame as Bergen herself. Every scene feels like it’s been cribbed from an old Barbra Stanwyck melodrama. At the end of the episode, the vice cop (Robert Brown) who used to bust her shows up at the wedding. “Everybody freeze!” he says. Oh, thank God, everyone’s getting busted for overacting. Oh wait — Mrs. Brandell (a widow) is marrying him!

The episode ends with the wedding, which would be touching if any of these characters were actually interesting. Lawrence gives away the bride because I guess they had do something to justify paying Christopher Hewett’s salary.

This was not a good trip to the Island. Is this season over yet?